People Inviting Themselves

[Slache]

My entire adult life has been marked by people inviting themselves into my life and I still hate saying no.

When I got married MIL invited herself on every vacation we took and demanded we change our move across the country date so she could "help". None of this ever happened but she complains about that fact every time we see her. After we moved to Oregon MIL constantly sent me itineraries for when she was flying out and we had to tell her she could no longer stay with us because it was getting insane.

My SIL told my son to make sure he told her before our first trip to Disney because she was going to join us. When we were going to New Orleans SIL asked for the dates so she could go and MIL demanded we change them so she could. My friend also invited herself along. The trip never happened because plague.

My dad just told me he plans to come visit the entire month of December, possibly through March, using our place as a base of operations for visiting all of his friends in the south. So he wants to stay in my living room completely inconveniencing my family for up to 3 months. No!

On the rare occasion that I have allowed these things to happen no one has paid their portion, I pay for all or most of it. And of course MIL has the audacity to tell people she pays for us.

Am I insane? Is this not completely rude? Is this socially acceptable? We have been talking about this for a few hours and we can't help but think we might be wrong because so many people do this. Please tell me I'm not crazy.

We no longer tell people when we're doing things. Except for you guys. I tell you guys everything.

[Melissa Louise]

The only people allowed to invite themselves to my home are my adult children and my sibling. That's it. Nobody else. 

Three months is outrageous. People are trying to take advantage of you. You must tighten your boundaries and hold them firm. "No, Dad, that won't work for me."

[alisoncooks]

Well. 

You must be a very welcoming presence, for everyone to want to join you on your adventures!

(It is rather rude to invite oneself. I've fussed at my kids for inviting themselves over to play at friends' houses.)

[klmama]

You are not insane.  Keep your boundaries intact!

[catz]

Wow!  Glad you found a way to set up boundaries.  That is a bunch of assumptions.   

[Ausmumof3]

Inviting yourself sometimes happens with family here but three months is a bit next level!  That would make me nuts.  Especially if they aren’t paying or contributing (ok that but wouldn’t bother me if we had plenty to go around but when things are tight it would - not taking food out of my kids mouths to pay for someone else’s holiday).

[bolt.]

It sounds like some families just have a 'family way of doing things' -- and your in-laws way is not your way. That's an uncomfortable mismatch, but try not to think of them as just-plain-wrong. They just seem to have an 'always collaborating' view on travel, so they don't do the part of the process where they ask if you *want* to collaborate these plans or not. It's not horrible, it's just a different starting place.

I guess you get to be the bad guy (since you are not automatically making space for everybody in your plans) but remember that -- regardless of how they feel -- nothing can happen to your vacations unless you let it. All they are doing is talking. You (and your spouse) are the one(s) actually deciding.

[PinkTulip]

Wow - not wrong at all! Completely rude, completely not acceptable. Especially the part where they’re expecting you to pay for them. 

[Harriet Vane]

There is someone in my life who feels she can dictate when she will visit and for how long, not just to me but to others. In many senses our doors are always open to her. We love her. Yet when she told another person in our group that she would come stay for an entire month, that person was quite overwhelmed! Because as beloved as the dictator is, it is still an intrusion to take over part of someone's house and to be ever-present for several weeks, especially without checking if that's even a convenient time. And quite frankly, once this person is in place, everything (everything!) revolves around her. It's exhausting.

It's good to set boundaries, though honestly it can be so tough! I would be even more upset if someone outside my own dear little family inserted themself into a planned family vacation. It changes the dynamic and the focus. 

[Slache]

1 minute ago, Harriet Vane said:

There is someone in my life who feels she can dictate when she will visit and for how long, not just to me but to others. In many senses our doors are always open to her. We love her. Yet when she told another person in our group that she would come stay for an entire month, that person was quite overwhelmed! Because as beloved as the dictator is, it is still an intrusion to take over part of someone's house and to be ever-present for several weeks, especially without checking if that's even a convenient time. And quite frankly, once this person is in place, everything (everything!) revolves around her. It's exhausting.

It's good to set boundaries, though honestly it can be so tough! I would be even more upset if someone outside my own dear little family inserted themself into a planned family vacation. It changes the dynamic and the focus. 

My MIL has this matriarch mentality where she gets to be in charge of everything until she dies and then I, married to the oldest, get to be the matriarch. I find this is common.

[Ottakee]

Wow.....and I felt bad about asking my friend if I could crash at her cottage in a night it wasn't rented (and before cleaning lady had come).  She welcomed me...and I brought my own clean sheets.....and then I took her out for a nice dinner.

I can't imagine inviting myself along on a trip....and then expecting others to pay my way. 

[Harriet Vane]

1 minute ago, Slache said:

My MIL has this matriarch mentality where she gets to be in charge of everything until she dies and then I, married to the oldest, get to be the matriarch. I find this is common.

I did run into this with my MIL to some extent, but she was so dear and sweet and lovely and tried so hard to respect each of us that it worked out okay. She and FIL never asked or expected to be in on vacations. We did, in fact, spend a long weekend together with all the in-laws every year, but it was joyfully and openly pre-arranged among all of us. It was only awkward when MIL expected to continue hosting big holiday celebrations when she was clearly overwhelmed with doing so. In that case, SIL and I simply helped more and more and more (bringing food, showing up early to help) until dementia made it obvious things had to change. We didn't announce a big change--it just changed. 

There are some people who simply misjudge what is acceptable or appropriate. My door may be open, but there is still an expectation of asking (not dictating or assuming) and of contributing and of showing sensitivity to a family's regular rhythms. 

[sassenach]

I was just advising my bonus oldest about this. She took a vacation with her inlaws and I was like, ok that's fine, but make sure you mix in solo vacations, otherwise it will become an expectation. 

My MIL used to try to book obscenely long trips. We solved it by always having dh book her flights for her. 

[Lecka]

You’re not wrong, but some people will get away with anything they can.

Other people don’t think things through.

Its awkward but not your fault.  

[SKL]

Better not get me started about people inviting themselves to live here and use us as chauffers and tour guides.

It used to bug me so much.  Finally I just resigned myself to it.

My own family doesn't do this.  They will announce that they're coming for a quick visit, but they don't expect a room to be ready.  😛

[Slache]

1 minute ago, SKL said:

Better not get me started about people inviting themselves to live here and use us as chauffers and tour guides.

It used to bug me so much.  Finally I just resigned myself to it.

My own family doesn't do this.  They will announce that they're coming for a quick visit, but they don't expect a room to be ready.  😛

I am not resigning myself to this. Ever. 

[mommyoffive]

Yeah that is crazy rude.  Like totally nuts.  People don't do that to us.  I couldn't deal with people in my house for a long time or even a little bit at this point.  But yeah we had to put up some lines early in our marriage with family and it was really hard on our relationships and marriage.  

[Melissa in Australia]

Sounds sort of  normal to me. Family always stay with family. Family would be deeply offended if someone was in their location and didn't stay. 

When my inlaws visited from Canada they stayed for a month. They never came at the same time, but seperate. They visited for a month each year for about 10 years. 

If I went to Melbourne I would always stay with  relitives. It is only after we got the twins we stopped staying at relitives places and that was because it was a DHHS thing.

 

Edited June 20, 2021 by Melissa in Australia

[Rosie_0801]

My brother can come and stay as long as he likes, seeing how it is his house! He drops in whenever he wants, knowing he'll be welcome, and if he's not interested in whatever is going on, he'll have a snooze. I think, if someone is going to show up unannounced, they need to be ready to join in rather than expecting plans to halt and the world to revolve around them. 

I do have one friend whose place I'll show up to unannounced but they like me to visit, don't like to invite me, and will tell me if they are too busy to entertain and I'll go away, no hard feelings.

[Ausmumof3]

34 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

My brother can come and stay as long as he likes, seeing how it is his house! He drops in whenever he wants, knowing he'll be welcome, and if he's not interested in whatever is going on, he'll have a snooze. I think, if someone is going to show up unannounced, they need to be ready to join in rather than expecting plans to halt and the world to revolve around them. 

I do have one friend whose place I'll show up to unannounced but they like me to visit, don't like to invite me, and will tell me if they are too busy to entertain and I'll go away, no hard feelings.

Lol this is me!  I don’t always love when people drop in but sometimes it’s really nice . If I invited people I spend way too much time cleaning and stressing about food and the right way to invite them.  Sometimes it’s nice when people just drop round.

[hjffkj]

I have NEVER had anyone invite themselves on one of my family trips, that is insane. I do have my brother tell me when he is visiting and just gives us the dates, but my parents live with me and when I decided to let them move in with me I did it accepting that wherever they live is home base for him so he is always welcome here. All my siblings are. Staying for months would be an issue though unless it was an emergency

[TravelingChris]

I have never had family think they should go on my vacations. Nor has anyone come to our house unexpectedly.   Nor has anyone tried to stay here for such a long time.  We only have my brother who comes to visit and it is always less than a week and other than Christmas, when we know he will be coming and we don't go anywhere, if he comes any other time, he asks when would be a good time.  When we did visit my inlaws a few times early on, we asked too and never stayed more than a few days.

[katilac]

Inviting yourself on trips is insane and boundary-crossing in some families, and par for the course in other families. It's perfectly acceptable in some families, and that's fine. It's also fine to decide that's not your thing, even if you're surrounded by people who have no problem with it. 

You don't have to tell anyone and everyone about your vacation and general life plans in advance. Keeping that in mind will help a lot. Most people need advance notice to take time off and to find reasonable flights and hotel rooms, so simply not giving them that advance notice does half the job for you. 

It's more complicated when there are certain people you want to vacation with and certain people you do not, but I'm personally fine with discussing plans with some people and not others. You don't owe anyone explanations, but you can have responses in mind if they're pushy and it makes your life easier. You can book vacation plans far in advance, but it's still truthful to say you just 'finalized' those plans/decisions recently (when you passed the date for refunds). It's truthful for me to say, "you never know where we will wind up" because, well, I might know, but you indeed do not, lol. Why aren't you joining the family plans to go to XYZ? It's hard for me to commit that far in advance, so just make your own plans and I'll see later - again, true, because I may plan far in advance, but my personal vacation bookings generally allow me a generous amount of time to change my mind, whereas someone making plans based on me being along is much more of a commitment. 

It's perfectly fine to just tell them this vacation is just for your family, also, but these tips can work if you don't want to have that conversation. Again and again. 

For the other stuff, there is really no other way than to say no and stay firm. 

[LucyStoner]

My dad shows up here randomly but he’s experiencing dementia and we don’t mind. For instance he showed up here a few weeks after Easter because he thought it was Easter weekend again and said he’d come to celebrate Easter with us. He sometimes stays here for a few days but again, it’s fine.  He lives close enough that we can drive him home when it’s time for him to leave.  
 

Months long trips by healthy people who just want a free place to stay while they visit others though?  No way.  Hijacking my family vacations?  Also, no freaking way.  Other than the family camping trip we like to do, the only trips where people assume they are coming are specifically family events- for instance, my cousin’s wedding is in December and my brother and I coordinated our travel plans and booked a large AirBNB to save on lodging costs.  We also booked the same flights.  
 

When these people plan trips do they invite you or assume you will be coming?  

Edited June 21, 2021 by LucyStoner

[SKL]

I agree with not telling people your plans.

We pretty much never tell anyone about our planned travels, except for employees and other "need to know" people related to our business.  We leave info for them to inform our families should our plane crash or whatever.

There are multiple reasons for this.  The biggest one is that telling people our travel plans creates stress / negativity that helps nobody.  Some family members have major anxiety and they are sure that something horrible is going to happen.  It's so much better to tell them after the fact, when it's clear that we survived.  😛  For those who don't have such anxiety, we'll tell them the day we're leaving or maybe one day before.  There's just no benefit to doing it earlier.

I could see someone getting miffed if they live in the area you're visiting and you don't tell them.  It would depend on how close you are.  I had a cousin-once-removed comment that I should have told him when I visited his area.  I have only ever been in the same room with this individual like 4 times, and never in his state.  I wouldn't think of imposing myself on him that way.  But when he was in my state, he invited himself over for dinner, so I guess he sees things differently.

[Carol in Cal.]

That sounds OTT to me, but I guess it depends on how  far they are coming.  If it's lengthy international travel, it's more understandable.

[Shoeless]

This is why I do not have a guest room. 

It doesn't matter if everyone else in the world does this. You don't like it, and that is enough reason to say "No". A perk of being an adult homeowner is that you get to set the standards and rules for your home! Anyone who doesn't like those standards and rules is free to go back to their own home. 

Personally, I think it's rude and weird to tell someone "I am staying on your sofa for 3 months", rather than ask "Could I stay at your place while I visit your part of the country?" 

[MEmama]

MIL expects us to stop our entire lives when she visits. For years and years, they would stay with us and DH would go to work while they were here, upending my homeschool schedule and leaving me to entertain them all day long. FIL got up as soon as I came downstairs to make coffee, so I had to be “on” every waking minute of my day. Neither like to actually do anything, they prefer to just “set” on the couch, and expect me and DS to do the same. All holy hell was raised if I had an errand to run (usually MIL would go with me, so no break) and when I had to cook or clean up she would just sit and stare at me. I felt like a trapped animal in a zoo. Looking back, I can’t believe I put up with it. I know I tried to enforce boundaries but DH just expected me to do all the work since I was home all day, anyway.

Several years ago I insisted we get rid of our guest room. DH tries to book their flights in an effort to keep their visits to a minimum and we’ve always put our foot down when they want us to travel with them. What’s the point of traveling if they will just insist we all just “set and visit” instead of actually getting to do anything? 
 

Sorry I went off on a personal tangent. It sounds like you are doing a terrific job setting boundaries. I wish DH was able to do that with his parents—his younger brother always has and it works, but MIL will take advantage of any situation and make it all about her whenever possible. 
 

Family expectations are weird. Good for you for staying strong!

[Guest]

10 hours ago, mommyoffive said:

Yeah that is crazy rude.  Like totally nuts.  People don't do that to us.  I couldn't deal with people in my house for a long time or even a little bit at this point.  But yeah we had to put up some lines early in our marriage with family and it was really hard on our relationships and marriage.  

People don’t do this to us, either, but I think I laid down certain groundwork in a few cases, because I could see there were some people who did want this. One of my son’s friend’s families tried to have my son come along to their extraordinary vacations. If we could provide his airfare and some spending money, they would cover the rest. I said no. It was pretty uncomfortable but I wanted to nip that in the bud because a) I don’t want my son to be the entertainment committee and b) I definitely do not want to ever reciprocate it. If I go on a fabulous family vacation, I’m not bringing someone else’s kids along.

As it is, I have found I like vacations with fewer people over more. More people means more ideas of what the trip should look like or include. One person wants to lay on the beach for ten hours, but I want to see the historical sites. One person wants to eat at restaurants all the time and I want to cook my own food. 

[Slache]

6 hours ago, LucyStoner said:

When these people plan trips do they invite you or assume you will be coming? 

His family, yes. My dad, no. There's complete enmeshment with his family and they feel completely entitled to all of our time and money. I mostly made this post because I've had friends and other family do the same these past few years and I feel like it's weird.

3 hours ago, MissLemon said:

This is why I do not have a guest room. 

My husband has always wanted a guest room and I've always been opposed. His point is that we would have somewhere to put them, my point is that I don't want them here.

43 minutes ago, MEmama said:

MIL expects us to stop our entire lives when she visits. For years and years, they would stay with us and DH would go to work while they were here, upending my homeschool schedule and leaving me to entertain them all day long. FIL got up as soon as I came downstairs to make coffee, so I had to be “on” every waking minute of my day. Neither like to actually do anything, they prefer to just “set” on the couch, and expect me and DS to do the same. All holy hell was raised if I had an errand to run (usually MIL would go with me, so no break) and when I had to cook or clean up she would just sit and stare at me. I felt like a trapped animal in a zoo. Looking back, I can’t believe I put up with it. I know I tried to enforce boundaries but DH just expected me to do all the work since I was home all day, anyway.

Several years ago I insisted we get rid of our guest room. DH tries to book their flights in an effort to keep their visits to a minimum and we’ve always put our foot down when they want us to travel with them. What’s the point of traveling if they will just insist we all just “set and visit” instead of actually getting to do anything? 
 

Sorry I went off on a personal tangent. It sounds like you are doing a terrific job setting boundaries. I wish DH was able to do that with his parents—his younger brother always has and it works, but MIL will take advantage of any situation and make it all about her whenever possible. 
 

Family expectations are weird. Good for you for staying strong!

Yep! Yes. Yeah. Uh huh.

Yes.

[freesia]

Slache, one thing I do with my dh when his mother, who is a talker, comes is say, “You’ll be taking off that week, right?” Or, “ I’m happy for her to come as long as you take time off work.”  I also make it clear if visits happen during planned school time that we will be schooling so bring a book.  

On your original question—families are all different.  I don’t think there is a right answer.  Respecting boundaries is the key. I know MIL wanted to come more when the kids were small but I found it overwhelming. I felt badly but I don’t know what else I could do.  It is fine for you to have different ideas about vacations and to do things differently than them. I don’t think they are wrong or weird just different. The only odd thing to me is all the assuming and not asking.  When we lived out of the country and would come for up to three weeks and stay between families, we would always ask if dates and length of stay worked for each household.

[Shoeless]

59 minutes ago, MEmama said:

MIL expects us to stop our entire lives when she visits. For years and years, they would stay with us and DH would go to work while they were here, upending my homeschool schedule and leaving me to entertain them all day long. FIL got up as soon as I came downstairs to make coffee, so I had to be “on” every waking minute of my day. Neither like to actually do anything, they prefer to just “set” on the couch, and expect me and DS to do the same. All holy hell was raised if I had an errand to run (usually MIL would go with me, so no break) and when I had to cook or clean up she would just sit and stare at me. I felt like a trapped animal in a zoo. Looking back, I can’t believe I put up with it. I know I tried to enforce boundaries but DH just expected me to do all the work since I was home all day, anyway.

Several years ago I insisted we get rid of our guest room. DH tries to book their flights in an effort to keep their visits to a minimum and we’ve always put our foot down when they want us to travel with them. What’s the point of traveling if they will just insist we all just “set and visit” instead of actually getting to do anything? 
 

Sorry I went off on a personal tangent. It sounds like you are doing a terrific job setting boundaries. I wish DH was able to do that with his parents—his younger brother always has and it works, but MIL will take advantage of any situation and make it all about her whenever possible. 
 

Family expectations are weird. Good for you for staying strong!

My mother and stepfather do the "set and visit" thing.  When kiddo was 4, they came for 4 days and did nothing but sit on the sofa the entire time. They didn't want to go anywhere or see anything, which meant I was cooped up in our tiny apartment allllllllll day with them, their dog (my mother wont travel without her stupid dog), and the 4 year old.  Then they had the nerve to complain that kiddo wouldn't just sit and color quietly all day, and compared kiddo unfavorably to their dog.  That was the end of visits with mean grandma (don't feel badly for her; she doesn't like kids and doesn't miss us). 

[Soror]

I have a friend whose family is like this and loves it. She thrives on chaos. She'll have relatives over for weeks at a time and do the same herself and even have other random people stay at their place. It blows my mind and she can't imagine why others don't do the same.

I like the idea of being hospitable but realized that I don't like people staying over at my house(visits are fine). I don't feel at home with others here. I hope I don't mind it so much when my kids are grown and have their own spouses. We can hardly get our parents to come over for the afternoon so no worries about overly long stays. 

We lived back and forth with our parents after the house burned but got a house to rent ASAP as we couldnt' stand not having our own place. WE did one vaca with my family before kids. I think I wouldn't mind to do that again if we got a big house to rent but no way it would work with his family. His family doesn't like us all that much anyway, so no worries there. I'd surely not want it to be every vaca as we'd not be able to do the things we like to do as easily.

I'd be putting my foot way down. It would drive me absolutely bonkers. 

 

[Slache]

6 minutes ago, Soror said:

I have a friend whose family is like this and loves it. She thrives on chaos. She'll have relatives over for weeks at a time and do the same herself and even have other random people stay at their place. It blows my mind and she can't imagine why others don't do the same.

I like the idea of being hospitable but realized that I don't like people staying over at my house(visits are fine). I don't feel at home with others here. I hope I don't mind it so much when my kids are grown and have their own spouses. We can hardly get our parents to come over for the afternoon so no worries about overly long stays. 

We lived back and forth with our parents after the house burned but got a house to rent ASAP as we couldnt' stand not having our own place. WE did one vaca with my family before kids. I think I wouldn't mind to do that again if we got a big house to rent but no way it would work with his family. His family doesn't like us all that much anyway, so no worries there. I'd surely not want it to be every vaca as we'd not be able to do the things we like to do as easily.

I'd be putting my foot way down. It would drive me absolutely bonkers. 

 

I feel much different about my kids. If it were healthy I wouldn't mind them living with me forever, so as long as they don't marry awful people I'm not worried about visits. Plus, I think half my problem is that I have little people and I'm exhausted all the time.

[Soror]

43 minutes ago, Slache said:

I feel much different about my kids. If it were healthy I wouldn't mind them living with me forever, so as long as they don't marry awful people I'm not worried about visits. Plus, I think half my problem is that I have little people and I'm exhausted all the time.

I like my kids being around too. We've encouraged them to stay as long as long as they need/want so they can be better established before going off on their own. But I wonder how it will be when they have moved out and I'm not used to them being here and they have their own spouses. I guess we'll see!

Edited June 20, 2021 by Soror

[SKL]

I don't know if it would be fun to travel with my family or not, because I can't imagine any of my family wanting to travel with us, LOL.  It has never happened, except for a couple Kalahari trips and a few very special trips with just me and my mom.

We've been trying to do something together with another family we like, but it never works out.  We've traveled a bit with family members of my housemates.  It's fun.

I've brought my kids' friends along on some short trips, and we are hoping to do at least one international trip with at least one friend when they are a little older.  I figure that it is helpful for the kids to have their own distractions.

I've long since given up having my own way on trips.  My housemates & I have had it out a few times, and finally agreed to split the time among all the things people like to do.  I love hiking more than everyone else.  I just tolerate various other things.  So we do a bit of everyone's favorite.  We try to include some surprise for the kids toward the end of the trip.

Edited June 20, 2021 by SKL

[MercyA]

16 hours ago, Slache said:

Am I insane? Is this not completely rude? Is this socially acceptable?

No. YES. Not to me. 

Say no and try not to let it bother you. People are crazy. 

[J-rap]

I've never had family including in-laws or friends who have been pushy about visiting for long periods and were unpleasant guests.  When they visit, they're always kind and helpful and I guess are intuitive about boundaries...  So it's fine, and even fun.  When we lived overseas, my parents would often come and stay with us for two weeks at a time, but they were so sweet and came to help even though they were quite old!  They didn't expect to be entertained and were very independent.

I love having people come and stay.  I love the extra company and conversation and activities.  But, they add a positive energy to our home, not a negative or stressful energy.  I think it's odd that so many people don't seem to have an internal instinct about boundaries and expectations, or know how to be nice guests.

You are not crazy!  Keep saying no or at least set up specific requirements.  (Like time limits, etc.)  Would probably help if dh stepped in since they are his family.

[katilac]

As far as having people visit, the threads are usually really similar to the 'having a parent live with you' ones: it's much easier to contemplate if you have a big house! 

57 minutes ago, SKL said:

 I've long since given up having my own way on trips.  My housemates & I have had it out a few times, and finally agreed to split the time among all the things people like to do.  I love hiking more than everyone else.  I just tolerate various other things.  So we do a bit of everyone's favorite.   

We are definitely "do what you want" people on joint vacations, with each person/family free to spend their time how they wish. There's always some things everyone plans on doing, or we wouldn't all be on the vacation, lol, but I'm definitely not willing to spend my time or money on things I'm not interested in. Some of it just vacationing style - on active vacations where things get crowded, we are up and out of the door early. We won't do early some days and late others, we'll just meet up with you at some point during the day. We are very upfront about this before going on vacation with anyone. 

I definitely learned how to draw that line the hard way, lol, but my shared vacations are now much improved. It was always our goal, but young me was talked into things more easily. 

[BusyMom5]

I was thinking inviting themselves over for an afternoon or a meal- which is fine with me.  I cannot imagine having extra people on my family vacation!  We do sometimes do weekend trips with grandparents and cousins, but they are planned that way. 

[Ellie]

13 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

Sounds sort of  normal to me. Family always stay with family. Family would be deeply offended if someone was in their location and didn't stay. 

When my inlaws visited from Canada they stayed for a month. They never came at the same time, but seperate. They visited for a month each year for about 10 years. 

If I went to Melbourne I would always stay with  relitives. It is only after we got the twins we stopped staying at relitives places and that was because it was a DHHS thing.

Kind of the same for my family, although no one has ever stayed for three months (like Slache's mil). o_0 But also, none of us would invite ourselves on someone else's Disney trip. That's just too much.

When I go back to Virginia to visit, I stay with my cousin for the length of my stay. I always check with her first to make sure she has room (sometimes her mother stays with her, and there's only one guest room)., and that she won't be working so that we can go goof off at cool places. 🙂

[freesia]

The thing that confuses me a bit is the folks who are saying that of course their adult kids could--but aren't we the adult kids of somebody?  I mean the OP's dh is the adult kid of the MIL.  Slache is the adult kid of her dad.  It's like we make exceptions for ourselves.  Maybe that's what the family is thinking--it's my kids!  Anyway, of course, like I said above, they don't need to do what the family wants/expects.  But I don't find it off particularly bc we think that our own kids of course would want to continue hanging our and vacationing with us.

[Jean in Newcastle]

You have talked many times about how your MIL is narcissistic. That puts a whole different spin on shared vacations. 
 

I have operated a “bed and breakfast “ at times for family members. But it was clear up front that it met everyone’s needs for me to only provide the bed and the breakfast. Our guests made their own arrangements during the day including meals. We specifically planned a couple of days to spend the day together and/or for me to cook dinner but there were no surprises. Like you, I have autoimmune issues and I don’t have the stamina for surprises. 

[ksr5377]

I don't think it's weird to stay with family on visits, but the inviting yourself on vacations is not OK.  However, no one has ever stayed with us, or us with them, for more than about a week.  3 months is a long time.  We have traveled several times with in-laws, my parents and even my parents and all siblings/spouses/nieces/nephews.  Those are always planned trips together.  MIL or my mom or sibling will say, "What do you think about going here with everyone?"  Then we plan it together and go.  I can't imagine hearing of my in-laws trip planned for Niagara Falls and then telling them that it sounds fun and we're coming along.  

[rebcoola]

Not normal even the people who have an open invite to our house.  They say we have some free time in June would that work for a visit?

[HomeAgain]

People in my world don't do this.  The closest we come is asking if it would be a good time to visit.

 

Have you told them in specific terms that it's not okay?  "what you're doing isn't a socially acceptable way to behave.  If you want to visit or join us, you need to ask, not assume or demand to be invited."

That's something I'd be repeating every time they tried it.

[City Mouse]

My mother is one who always wants to “sit and visit” mostly while watching something on TV that no one else is interested in watching. Her mobility is limited now which makes some things harder, but she can’t travel to my house any more which makes me happy. While she only joined in once on our vacation plans, I did grudgingly agree to travel with her a couple of times, and that was 2 times too many. 

[katilac]

41 minutes ago, HomeAgain said:

Have you told them in specific terms that it's not okay?  "what you're doing isn't a socially acceptable way to behave.  If you want to visit or join us, you need to ask, not assume or demand to be invited."

That's something I'd be repeating every time they tried it.

I would restate it as something that is not acceptable to me, as an individual. 

It is completely acceptable in many cultures and social circles.

[Slache]

48 minutes ago, HomeAgain said:

Have you told them in specific terms that it's not okay?  "what you're doing isn't a socially acceptable way to behave.  If you want to visit or join us, you need to ask, not assume or demand to be invited."

That's something I'd be repeating every time they tried it.

My in laws yes, and for several reasons we no longer speak to them, but telling them no always resulted in tantrums. Then they'd forget and do it again.

This is the first time my dad has done this. I've been thinking about what I need. He can't stay in our home for more than a week. I think I'll just opt to pay for a hotel. And I need notice. He wanted to surprise us for the entire month of December at least, but we have a trip planned in December. What if we never told him about the trip?

[katilac]

Just now, Slache said:

And I need notice. He wanted to surprise us for the entire month of December at least, but we have a trip planned in December. What if we never told him about the trip?

It probably would have been the best thing to happen!