Would you send your son to public school or keep him home in this situation?

[Michelle My Bell]

So I am trying very hard to make the right decision for my son for 9th grade next year. He is my last kid as all my other's are now graduated from school. We moved two years ago to a small town and the school is a very nice, newer built country high school for the surrounding communities. Because we haven't lived here that long, my son doesn't have a single friend in the community. During the week, he spends a lot of time in his room gaming, talking to his cousins and friends from our old hometown on his headset. He will also go for bike rides, or go visit his sister and brother-in-law who live a few blocks away. 

My son also has Crohn's disease and is pretty small for his age. He only weighs 100lbs and 5'6" (he has been growing lately). A lot of foods upset his stomach and he needs to use the bathroom for long periods of time a couple times a week. I have to force him to eat and he is pretty picky. 

When we first moved here, I sent him to the jr. high for 1/2 the year. He barely ate, was always super tired, and his grades suffered. He told me he was bullied so I brought him home. He has been a lot happier here at home for the last year and a half. 

I am newly single and will be working 2-3 days a week as an RN during the school year next year. I don't really have time or inclination to teach him at this point in life. I am also very concerned that he will miss out on all the fun stuff and friendships he could develop during high school. His sister, who just graduated, is always hanging out with friends, went to prom, played varsity basketball, and had a wonderful senior year. I am worried he will be a hermit and miss out on all these types of things. I also want to make sure he gets a good education and I know that I will not be working with him daily to teach him or interact with him on his schoolwork. He would be mostly independent.

He does have his cousins (who are all older by a couple years), and his sisters who all hang out as a group with him about twice a week. He will often go stay the night at their house or they will come here. I know it will slow down in the fall, but for now he has a lot of activity with them. The cousins live about 30 min. away so it isn't easy to just go for the day. 

He has expressed multiple times that he does not wish to go to school. He is happy with his life as it is. I am just concerned about the issues I mentioned above. I know I need to make this decision because he can only see it from his perspective. I even asked him if he wanted to try it and if it didn't work out I could bring him home. He wasn't very keen on that idea. 

So what would you do? Would you send him or keep him home?

[mathmarm]

This is a small town, will the people who bullied him in Jr. High be at the same Highschool?
(About) how many kids will be in the 9th grade at this school?

From the outside looking in, I'm not sure that this has to be an Either-Or situation.

Can he stay with a relative during the school year and attend a different/better school?

 

[Michelle My Bell]

1 minute ago, mathmarm said:

This is a small town, will the people who bullied him in Jr. High be at the same Highschool?
(About) how many kids will be in the 9th grade at this school?

From the outside looking in, I'm not sure that this has to be an Either-Or situation.

Can he stay with a relative during the school year and attend a different/better school?

 

Yes, most like the same kids. He was a lot smaller a year and a half ago. I feel that maybe he didn't make the most of his first experience there and could have a better experience. It is about 100-125 kids per grade at this school. I would not have him live with anyone else. He wouldn't want to either. We are very close. 

[mathmarm]

Is he self-disciplined enough to be trusted to do his work if you allow him to stay home?

Given the social and health issues, I am inclined to let him start out at home with the caveat that we're going to be reassessing every 4.5 weeks and that if he won't take his education seriously at home, then he can blow it off at the Public School.

I would plan the academics to be realistic for the student in the particular situation and I guess just explore some non-traditional scheduling ideas--doing school in the evenings/weekends, doing work the 3-4 days that you're off and having lighter assignments or 10-20 math practice problems on the days that you're working.

[mmasc]

I see where you’re coming from, and it does seem like a tough situation. My gut would be leaning to letting him be home since 1) it is his (seemingly) strong desire 2) he’s happy 3) health issues 

Now, for this is to successful in your absence, I think he’d need to be a very good independent learner. And most likely one who could do a good deal of outsourced/online schooling. I’m not coming from this angle with experience though, as my dc are NOT that disciplined! 
 

Best wishes as you navigate this decision!

[Ellie]

1 hour ago, Michelle My Bell said:

When we first moved here, I sent him to the jr. high for 1/2 the year. He barely ate, was always super tired, and his grades suffered. He told me he was bullied so I brought him home. He has been a lot happier here at home for the last year and a half.
This is why you keep him home.

I am also very concerned that he will miss out on all the fun stuff and friendships he could develop during high school. His sister, who just graduated, is always hanging out with friends, went to prom, played varsity basketball, and had a wonderful senior year. I am worried he will be a hermit and miss out on all these types of things.
But you said he was bullied and terribly unhappy in school, and that he's been much happier at home. Why do you think that things would change at school? Is he the same person as his sister? That she's a social butterfly does not mean he is, and it isn't fair to compare them like that. I'm sure you know that the majority of the kids in your dd's school didn't go to prom, or play varsity basketball, and had a meh senior year. The majority of them will not continue being besties with their high school friends, either. They'll make friends in their adult lives. 

I also want to make sure he gets a good education and I know that I will not be working with him daily to teach him or interact with him on his schoolwork. He would be mostly independent.
There is a boatload of distance-learning schools that you could enroll him in that would provide interaction and direction and all that.

He does have his cousins (who are all older by a couple years), and his sisters who all hang out as a group with him about twice a week. He will often go stay the night at their house or they will come here. I know it will slow down in the fall, but for now he has a lot of activity with them. The cousins live about 30 min. away so it isn't easy to just go for the day. 
Well, there you go.

He has expressed multiple times that he does not wish to go to school. He is happy with his life as it is. I am just concerned about the issues I mentioned above. I know I need to make this decision because he can only see it from his perspective.
Of course.

I even asked him if he wanted to try it and if it didn't work out I could bring him home. He wasn't very keen on that idea.
Again, this is why you keep him home.

 

[Meadowlark]

How about sending him knowing that if the bullying continues you could bring him home? I would never subject my kid to bullying and that would be the final straw if it was happening. But given the circumstances with you working (and him spending a lot of time in his room gaming), I think I would definitely give it a go and see if it works out. You can always change your mind at semester and bring him home without always wondering if it would've worked out.

[Shoeless]

I would keep him home and look for other opportunities for him to socialize with peers. Homeschool co-op, church youth group, local library activities, online stuff, gaming days at a local comic and game shop, etc.  

You say you are worried he will "miss out" on things like prom, sports, and fun senior year stuff. Those things may not mean very much to him.  Prom generally seems to matter far more to girls and moms than it does to boys.  And if he hasn't expressed a desire to play sports by now, I would again say it probably isn't very important to him to start.  

With his health issues and the previous bullying, it sounds like he'd have to go through a lot of negative stuff to get to the prize of "fun senior year".  Since he wants to stay home, I would keep him home and work his academics around your work schedule. 

[HeartString]

7 hours ago, Michelle My Bell said:

The cousins live about 30 min. away so it isn't easy to just go for the day. 

I don’t understand this part.  I frequently drive 30 minutes to do things for a few hours and drive home.  That’s a pretty quick trip to hang out with cousins. 

[regentrude]

Reasons to keep him home:

He is happier at home.
He was bullied.
He has health problems. If he needs to spend extended time in the bathroom, that's pretty incompatible with the rigid school routine and a prime target for more bullying. 

Make a deal with him:  he can stay home if he is putting in the time for his schoolwork. He is old enough to work independently. You're working only 2-3 days and can supervise his schooling on the other days.

He will have more time to socialize if he does NOT go to school. Homeschooled highschoolers can have friends and activities.
I don't understand how the cousins being 30 minutes away is a problem - we routinely drove much further for activities, playdates, etc. 

Edited June 18, 2021 by regentrude

[Michelle My Bell]

18 minutes ago, HeartString said:

I don’t understand this part.  I frequently drive 30 minutes to do things for a few hours and drive home.  That’s a pretty quick trip to hang out with cousins. 

No because it is 30 min there and 30 min back. If he goes just for the day that is 2 hours driving time. 

 

[SKL]

I don't think it's an easy question.

I would say that his being bullied before does not mean he will be bullied again.  Kids do mature.

His size is not that unusual for a 9th grade boy.

You should be able to get him a blanket excuse to use the restroom when and for as long as he needs it, based on his documented health issue.

I feel like the amount of alone/independent time will be more than is healthy for most 9th grade boys.

Is there anything you can put him in over the summer to get to know some other kids?

Is there any possibility for him to go to public school part time?

Edited June 18, 2021 by SKL

[Shoeless]

3 minutes ago, Michelle My Bell said:

No because it is 30 min there and 30 min back. If he goes just for the day that is 2 hours driving time. 

 

Unfortunately, country living means driving if you want to do anything other than stare at the cows, lol. 

If you can't do 2 hours of driving a day, then have him stay overnight and split the drive with the other family.  Return the favor sometimes and have the cousins stay overnight with you. Drop your son off for the weekend, and pick him up on Sunday.  He has older siblings? Can one of them drive him? 

I understand some of your dilemma. I live in the country and have an only child, a 13yo boy, who does not want to attend school. Is it hard? Yep. My life would be easier if he wanted to attend school, but his life would be harder.  

[regentrude]

26 minutes ago, Michelle My Bell said:

No because it is 30 min there and 30 min back. If he goes just for the day that is 2 hours driving time. 

Trade off driving with the aunt/uncle. You drive one tour, they drive him back. Or do overnights. Or find a friend who's going in the same direction and carpool. And soon he'll have a license and can drive himself.

My DS did judo in a city 2 hours (100 miles) away, 2-3 nights a week. We made that work.

Edited June 18, 2021 by regentrude

[katilac]

You are forgetting the middle ground: stay home and outsource some of the subjects. You can do an all-in-one thing, or you can pick and choose. 

He isn't keen on the idea of trying because he knows there's a very high chance he will be bullied or, at a minimum, left hanging on the fringes. If you were somewhere else, maybe, but a small town where he has already been bullied out of school and has not made a single friend in two years? No way. 

Bullying is almost always worse than what kids will tell you about, because who wants to talk about the truly humiliating things? So, whatever he told you, it was worse. High school is going to be a bunch of the same kids, and he is going to strongly stand out. 5'6" isn't that short, but that height and 100 pounds? That is tiny. My dd is 4'11" and 100 pounds, and she is noticeably slender. If he doesn't have some of the typical signs of puberty (the ones they may not discuss with mom), that's another avenue of difference that can be very tough. 

Being excused to the bathroom for hours each week is yet another. That will 100% be noticed. I don't have a lot of faith that it will be noticed in a sympathetic way, either. He might also be worried about some potential symptoms, even if he hasn't had them in the past. 

I give a lot of consideration to what kids want at this age. That doesn't mean I think you should put your own inclinations aside and be his teacher, but I think you should explore every avenue possible to keep him home and learning. Actually, that's an assignment he can take on himself! What are some potential outsourcing options and their cost? What will you work on independently, and how will you stay on track? There are tons of resources out there, tell him to show you the best ones within the budget. 

You could even do something like the American School of Correspondence for accountability and to cover the basics, if that really worries you, and supplement with things based on his strengths/interests (again, he can lead the way on this). I value education very highly, but I'd be willing to do something very basic in this situation. 

 

19 minutes ago, Michelle My Bell said:

No because it is 30 min there and 30 min back. If he goes just for the day that is 2 hours driving time. 

 I'd consider this a really important thing, though, that is worth some time and aggravation. It's actually not uncommon to spend 2 hours in a day driving kids around. Sometimes it's for more than one kid or activity, sometimes not. People who live where there's traffic really don't consider that a long time, lol. I used to spend at least an hour and a half driving to a 45-minute activity, and having it turn into two hours wasn't unusual. Think of it as an extra-curricular and plan on at least once a week. 

Plus, why not drop him off one day, pick him up the next? Have him spend a few days there sometimes, have the cousins come to you for a few days sometimes? You can do pizza and snacks for them, make it a whole thing. 

I'm not trying to minimize that this will be harder for you than putting him in school. It will be hard, but I think it's very doable. Even without outright bullying, some kids just really dislike the institutionalized school experience. He is not his sister and he is not going to have those same experiences just because he goes to high school. Being stuck in school every day with Chron's disease sounds pretty miserable to me all on its own. 

If your son has thoughts or questions about how he can do this independently, have him start a thread! Or just post on his behalf. I know lots of us would be glad to make fresh suggestions if we get more info. 

 

 

[Emily ZL]

The only red flag I see here at all is the potential for video games. Video games press a ton of incredibly unhealthy buttons for kids who have real life problems and want an extended escape. I would put away (or even lock away, like alcohol for a kid with a history of having problems) the video games for the whole week and allow them only on the weekend. That at least gives you a fair chance at a real education -- otherwise, it's like asking "do you want to eat meat and vegetables, or ice cream?" and no kid has that kind of control.

Otherwise, it's his last year. It's his last chance to work independently and in a self-directed way, period. Much better now to work out those growing pains, than in college. If he can't work without you holding his hand, that is your #1 goal for this year. You can't do it for him forever and time's up.

Lol ETA- I just realized I read that wrong!! It's not his last year, it's 9th grade. My mistake! Still, I aim for independence starting in late elementary school. By 9th, having your involvement be only buying appropriate plans, handing him a sheet of daily or weekly assignments, and being available 2-3 days per week, should be plenty. Especially for a kid who wants to stay home.

Edited June 18, 2021 by Emily ZL

[Ellie]

6 hours ago, Michelle My Bell said:

No because it is 30 min there and 30 min back. If he goes just for the day that is 2 hours driving time.

Do they never come over to see him? Can he spend the night sometimes? Does he *have* to see them twice a week, every single week?

[Garga]

Do you have cyberschools in your state? If so, sign him up. 

My sons finished out/are finishing out their education in cyberschool and it was/is a positive experience for them.

I was bullied as a kid. DO NOT send him back to the bullies. It took me decades to get over it. Another poster wrote that whatever he told you, it was worse. Yup-I agree with that statement. It’s very hard to tell someone who loves you (like your mom) what a loser everyone else thinks you are.

Make a rule that gaming doesn’t start until X:00 and ends at Y:00. 

Find a way to hang out with the cousins more. Sleepovers sound good. 

 

[kristin0713]

I'm grappling with the social thing as well for my teens, particularly my 15yo.  Since our living situation is in flux, I'm not inclined to enroll them in school until we are settled in a permanent location.  I decided to outsource *everything* with a combination of live and self-paced online classes.  I'm hoping the live online classes will help a little with the need for interaction with peers during the school day. My 13yo has activities that he enjoys such as Taekwon-Do and horseback riding so I'm not as worried about his social needs.  I'm working on some activities for my 15yo to get her out of the house and interacting with other kids at least a couple of times a week for now.  I do agree with a pp that the gaming would be a concern of mine on a day you are working and can't monitor it. Can he be trusted to keep up with work and only play video games for whatever amount of time you decide? In your situation, if you keep him home, I would definitely put him in at least a few online classes, if not all online classes.  This would help with accountability and interaction on days that he is alone. 

[regentrude]

9 hours ago, kristin0713 said:

Can he be trusted to keep up with work and only play video games for whatever amount of time you decide? In your situation, if you keep him home, I would definitely put him in at least a few online classes, if not all online classes.  This would help with accountability and interaction on days that he is alone. 

For a kid who may have a video game habit of concern, I would absolutely not recommend any online classes! Having to be on the internet for schooling opens the huge temptation to game in another window while "doing" school ( hey, I can still listen to what the teacher says. I can multi task)

On the contrary, I would make school completely computer free with the exception of typing up papers. It's much easier to stay focused when you're not on the device used for entertainment. 

[kiwik]

It doesn't sound like he has a gaming problem.  It sounds like he plays online with friends as a social activity.  But OP if you are only working 2 or 3 shifts a week and he legally allowed to stay home alone or has somewhere to go it is not that big a deal. I work 30 hours a week as do many other single home schooling parents.  And heaps of people who go to schoo miss the so called fun things.

Edited June 22, 2021 by kiwik

[Wheres Toto]

On 6/18/2021 at 7:07 PM, Emily ZL said:

The only red flag I see here at all is the potential for video games. Video games press a ton of incredibly unhealthy buttons for kids who have real life problems and want an extended escape. I would put away (or even lock away, like alcohol for a kid with a history of having problems) the video games for the whole week and allow them only on the weekend. That at least gives you a fair chance at a real education -- otherwise, it's like asking "do you want to eat meat and vegetables, or ice cream?" and no kid has that kind of control.

Otherwise, it's his last year. It's his last chance to work independently and in a self-directed way, period. Much better now to work out those growing pains, than in college. If he can't work without you holding his hand, that is your #1 goal for this year. You can't do it for him forever and time's up.

Lol ETA- I just realized I read that wrong!! It's not his last year, it's 9th grade. My mistake! Still, I aim for independence starting in late elementary school. By 9th, having your involvement be only buying appropriate plans, handing him a sheet of daily or weekly assignments, and being available 2-3 days per week, should be plenty. Especially for a kid who wants to stay home.

 

55 minutes ago, kiwik said:

It doesn't sound like he has a gaming problem.  It sounds like he plays online with friends as a social activity.  But OP if you are only working 2 or 3 shifts a week and he legally allowed to stay home alone or has somewhere to go it is not that big a deal. I work 30 hours a week as do many other single home schooling parents.  And heaps of people who go to school kids the so called fun things.

It sounds like he's socializing with real life friends while gaming so I would definitely not restrict that overly much.  I do agree with trying to have most of his school be not online so it doesn't become excessive.   Find programs that offer explanation to the student and if he's motivated (which it sounds like he is) and has a way to ask questions when he does have a problem, he should do fine.   We've used things like Math U See, Vocabulary from Classical Roots, Jacob's Geometry, Essentials in Literature, Oak Meadow Health, History Odyssey, Great Courses Plus.  I essentially work full time but my kids come with me once or twice a week, and I have some control over my hours.  My business that takes me away from home during the day is teaching Science classes so that's covered there but having him read and doing labs when you are home to supervise shouldn't be too disruptive or difficult.  

I also agree that 30 minutes isn't a long time to drive and I'm in a place where I can be at 10 different stores in 10 minutes.   Is there any errands you could run where the cousins live that might make it more worthwhile to make the trip once a week?  Maybe shopping, meeting someone for lunch, a movie?  I used to get something to eat at Panera and take in a movie or find a park to sit and read when my daughter had dance for 5 hours a day and I didn't want to drive back and forth.  

[Clemsondana]

Some kids can shrug of bullying to some extent, but even then it's not good, and for many kids it's truly awful and can have long-term consequences.  If a kid is happy and can get a good education, I'd stick with what works if that what they want to do.  My older doesn't care much about online stuff, but I have to monitor my younger.  I make distinctions between solo online activities and social activities that are basically taking the place of talking on the phone or getting together.  I still have limits on both, but texting with friends isn't exactly the same thing as watching an hour of cat videos..  Online classes could be a bad idea if your student can't self-regulate.  Or, they could be great - either providing online social interaction in a synchronous class or the class being asynchronous and the student doing the 'on the computer' part of the work when you are home to monitor, with the reading or writing or doing math problems parts being done when you are not home.  Or you can just turn your kid loose and say that you're giving it a semester and if they don't hold up their end of the bargain they can't continue because you can't let them not get an education.  I am at home with my kids and my high schooler has just a couple of online classes that I don't get involved in other than checking their grades and asking questions occasionally to see how it's going.  We do some subjects largely together with discussion, and there are others that they manage semi-independently with me just helping to set the scheule, make assignments, help as needed, and check the work.  The age at which kids can manage different levels of independence varies a lot.  

As for the social aspects...and hour of travel in a day for extracurriculars is a short day here.  People have really different standards for what is a normal amount of travel based on what they get used to.  When my kids were young, having a few nearby activities felt busy but as they have gotten older it has come to feel normal to drive 30 minutes to activities daily, sometimes multiple times a day (either round-tripping again for pick-up or running errands or reading a book...I snapped 9 quarts of green beans the other day while waiting on a kid!).  It was a change in perspective, and some families that I know don't do things that require that much time while others travel farther.  

I understand concern about kids missing out on things that are normal for high school, but I think only some adults look back fondly on good times that they enjoyed in high school.  Plenty of others are just relieved to get done and move on.  What parts of the high school experience do you expect your son to enjoy?  If he had a girlfriend at the high school, he would probably be able to go to prom (I know that some don't let outsiders go, and others do if they are high-school age).  If he's unlikely to want to do that, what would make him more likely to go as a student?  This is just an example, but your son isn't likely to replicate your daughter's experiences.  My younger sibling's path through school looked nothing like mine - for that matter, my dad is one of 5 kids and while they all did fine grade-wise their high school experiences 50 years ago were very different even though the times were more conformist.  A couple were athletes, one was the student body president, one drove a school bus to make $, a couple married high school sweethearts, another dated with abandon, one just wanted to get done...

Good luck as you figure out what will work for your family.  

[City Mouse]

I’ve gone through something similar. When my DS was 8 we moved from “the big city” to a very small town. I had hoped that the small town would be good for DS but it didn’t workout that way. Now, I will say that my kid has always had issues at school so that was not new, but he had been very out going, had lots of friends at school and in our own neighborhood, loved scouts and TKD. At 8yrs old he knew way more people in our neighborhood that I did. 

The move was a disaster for him in many ways. He liked his 4th grade teacher even though there was some bullying going on. In 5th grade, the only 5th grade teacher was a problem for most all of the parents, but there was one class per grade level.  The bullying got worse and was ignored by the school due for several reasons. My child was not even the primary target, but he was a secondary target, and he really hated watching the things that happened to the kid who was the primary target. His only friend were other “new” kids who moved in and out of town. My DS developed horrible anxiety. At the end of that year, I pulled him out of school to enroll in an online charter school.

 I fully intended to homeschool had the charter not been approved in time. It took several years to undo the damage that was done those two years, but to this day my DS who is 19 now does not have any close friends his own age that were in that school when he was. The last 2 yrs of high school, he was able to drive himself to a charter school over an hour from home so that he could attend in person. While he didn’t like the “school” part of that school any better than any other school, he did make good friend there.

He had so much anxiety from the kids that I had to bribe him to stay in Boy Scouts until he started to enjoy it, even though the bully was not in scouts. The other kids that had been at that school were in the troop. We had to put a lot of time and effort and money into giving him scouting experiences away from his troop so that he could see other possibilities. 

Edited to add: I forgot to mention that I worked full time the entire time he was doing online school. From 6th grade through 10th grade, I worked until 4pm and did school work with him each evening and most weekends. Yes, it was a big commitment on my part, but he was worth it.

He is 19 now, has a job, is taking EMT classes working toward better jobs, and has real friends. It took a long time, but he will be fine now. I do know that he will leave this town as soon as he has the job skills to be able to support himself, and I will be happy for him when that time comes. The only thing I really regret is making him suffer at that school as long as I did because I though things had to get better.

So to summarize that novel, since he has legitimate reasons for not wanting to attend that school, I would not make him.  It did take a lot of monitoring on my part to deal with the whole online-computer-YouTube-gaming-distraction thing, but no more work than it took for me to force him to do all the work he didn’t complete in class at his old school, or the time I spent dragging (not literally) to in-person school each day. 

Edited June 20, 2021 by City Mouse