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It would be a deal breaker, but I would not be super fast to end things. I would give it some time to sink in and see if his position softens, while making it clear to the DC that they had my unwavering support. 

And while waiting, I would get my ducks in a row, just in case. 

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Posted (edited)

Deal breaker. And definite deal breaker on the religion. Gracious. My first responsibility is always to the health and happiness of my children. Screw religion, and screw anyone, particularly a homophobe, who would choose it over his child. 
 

ETA and forgive me for not adding earlier that I’m very sorry you are dealing with this (husband’s reaction). Big hugs. 

Edited by bibiche
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I grew up in the San Francisco area.

A family member worked in the city proper. I remember mild jokes against gay people, snide comments, that kind of thing.

And then. . . he/she started going to funerals of people he/she worked with who'd died of HIV/AIDS.

And everything changed. No more jokes or comments.

This person changed. Because people he/she knew and respected were dying.

So -- not knowing your Dh -- it's possible he'll adjust overtime. He might just need space to chill and come around to this new picture of his family.

All that said, I'd go totally mama-grizzly on the dude too. ♥♥♥

Sending hugs.

 

 

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I'm so sorry you're in this position, Pink Tulip.

Has your DH considered that your DC no longer belongs to your religion? Why, then, does he expect DC to be bound by its teachings? Would he have the same reaction if DC would begin living with someone of the opposite sex outside of marriage? If not, why? These are things I would discuss with him.

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, but I am not you. Praying it all works out.

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(( hugs ))

 

Over the long haul... I expect deal breaker.

But I also would try very hard not to catastrophize and project his initial out-the-gate reflex as what he will get to over time. Rather often my own out-the-gate response is less good than what I get to, once I've really had a chance to process fully.

He is likely experiencing a type of grief, that the (at this point hypothetical) extended family won't be what he until very recently projected. He is likely feeling a bit fearful about navigating a greater degree of complexity than he imagined. Perhaps he is fearful about tensions within the faith community that he did not expect to have to sort through.

He has not yet met the (at this point still hypothetical) partner he now is sure he won't welcome with enthusiasm and come to adore.

But I agree with @Alicia64 : he may.  Over the long haul, he may surprise you, your child, himself. It happens.

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It would likely be a deal breaker. I would support my child and ask to go to therapy and prepare for an eventual divorce. If husband didn’t come around, I would go. 

It would be a deal breaker on the religion too. I won’t be part of a religion that doesn’t have a place for my kids. As a former Mormon—while the electroshock conversion therapy has stopped (1970s and 80s BYU), and the “better to have died” talks from conference have stopped, it is still grounds for apostasy and excommunication and it’s still very much considered sin. I watch families try to reconcile what is taught versus the kids in front of them and the healthiest families are the ones that leave as a result. The internalized homophobia in the kid tends to resolve within a few months of leaving. 

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Posted (edited)

I'm sorry. 

A situation like this could for sure be a deal breaker for me. I agree with PP that I would take a wait and see approach because it is new news, could take some time to process, and actions speak louder than words. He may come around, but in the meantime I'd expect him to keep his mouth shut to DD.

 

 

Edited by fraidycat
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We went through something similar with our youngest son when he came out as bisexual around age 14. He's now 24.

It ultimately turned out to not be a dealbreaker and dh and son became very close over the years as they found ways to bond and my husband grew to change his mind. I changed my mind about certain concerns as well. It was not an easy time but we are all very close now and our son is thriving.

Additionally, ds, who was always agnostic and at times didn't believe in God, now is considering going back to church again. This is his choice and he came to that decision on his own after reading some books.

I am not trying to tell you what to do; I just want to say that is my experience in a similar situation. If you want me to delete any parts of my response, I will.

 

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How is he communicating this to the child?  Is he communicating this just to you?  If he were being vicious towards them that would be a problem for me.  If he was struggling but trying to show love, I would wait and see.  

If the marriage was otherwise not strained, I would probably bank on him changing/evolving over time.  I can’t tell you the number of parents I know who told their gay kids they could never bring anyone home who later on accepted their spouses and children unconditionally.  I think it’s something that many parents evolve on.  


In a strained marriage though, I could see how that would be a deal breaker.  

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I don't think this would be a deal breaker for me, but I would definitely go to counseling and encourage other family members to also go.

I think that your dh and ds need to have a heart-to-heart talk about what support feels like.  It was said on the other thread that a parent might show love but the child doesn't feel loved.  I think all of that needs to be communicated now.

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I would have to know a lot more about what is meant by "not supportive" before I would say that it would be a deal breaker.  If it means that he did not wear a Pride t-shirt, does not participate in a Pride, and expressed concern or disapproval to me as his spouse, it would not be a deal breaker; I would not expect him to embrace and be supportive of activities that he is not in agreement with.  I would expect him to be supportive of child as a person; I would expect him to be kind and respectful toward the child and I would expect him to be hospitable to a potential partner of the child.  And, I would give him time and space to wrestle with the issue and his feelings about it.

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I would accept that he needed processing time, but it would be necessary for me to *see* that processing happening.

I would probably start with the concept of fear. To see what he was afraid of, since it must be something. I would present a series of thought experiments, such as "What would your life be like without this child in your life? Would you be happier? Would you feel safer? Manlier? Would you sit in your chair in a nursing home feeling relieved that they were never coming to visit? If they weren't coming to visit, who would be coming instead? What if you taught all the kids not to like you and nobody came?" 

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I wouldn't be asking that question yet.  Give him time.  If this is a brand new idea to him and until now was probably considered the worst sin of all (well, as most sexual sins are), of course his immediate reaction would be to be totally against it.  It takes awhile to let shocking news settle in, to process it.  And emotions need to settle.  I would try and tackle it together, instead of immediately putting yourself on one side and him on another.  I would try and understand things from his perspective, and be gentle on him, while encouraging him with every ounce of energy you have to not give up on love.  And challenge him to re-think Jesus's message.  Maybe the traditional church has gotten it wrong in some areas... and Jesus's actual message might be completely different.  The church has certainly gotten it wrong before.  There might be a third way of looking at this that he's not thinking about at all.  (I think that's often how Jesus answered "trick" questions, not with Option A or Option B, but with a third option that somehow addresses and answers both.)  There are some great books and messages out there if he'd be willing to read or listen.

But of course I would continue an unconditional loving relationship with your ds.  And if that scares your dh away, then it's out of your hands.

And of course I don't know all the details of your marriage.  I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time!

 

 

 

 

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I would give it time for dh to come to grips with it, so long as he can keep his mouth shut while he struggles with it. 

Fortunately, we have already covered that subject in our “what would we do” conversations. Incidentally, we were just talking about a relative who has alienated his nephew and their parents, because neph was wearing rainbow accessories and had a “different” haircolor. This relative said something confrontational to the nephew and now he is barred from associating with them. 

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If they were openly being a mean and hurtful jackass. If he tried to disown or kick out the child. Deal breaker.

I would let him know he couldn't treat the child like that in my presence and if it continued I wouldn't stay.

I would give them some time but still expect that they not be a jack ass. I would accept that they might not be all happy about it. I would accept we might not have the same views. Thoughts kept to oneself and actions to another are another thing.

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Not knowing any details about your husband, marriage or faith I hesitate to say how I would handle it, but I wanted to offer you my deepest sympathy that you are confronted with this. My heart truly breaks for all of you. ((Hugs))

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Just want to add that if this is a dealbreaker for you, carefully consider how changes will affect your financial situation and time. Will you be able to take care of yourself? Still have the time you need to spend with your son? It’s easy to talk the talk, but separation will bring a new set of problems. Maybe you are already prepared. I don't know. But it is definitely something to think about and prepare for as best as you can beforehand.

I just want to add that for your son, knowing how to stay healthy sexually is also very important. HIV, gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphillis, HPV and meningitis B are some of the more common infections. Our son got the Gardasil 9 and Bexsero meningitis B vaccines. We also found a young gay MD who is able to advise ds very well. Our biggest concern by far was ds’s health.

PFLAG might be worth a try if just to discuss concerns, get advice and hear from others going through a similar situation. Just having a friend to talk with could be very helpful for you.

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1 hour ago, BeachGal said:

Just want to add that if this is a dealbreaker for you, carefully consider how changes will affect your financial situation and time. Will you be able to take care of yourself? Still have the time you need to spend with your son? It’s easy to talk the talk, but separation will bring a new set of problems. Maybe you are already prepared. I don't know. But it is definitely something to think about and prepare for as best as you can beforehand.

I just want to add that for your son, knowing how to stay healthy sexually is also very important. HIV, gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphillis, HPV and meningitis B are some of the more common infections. Our son got the Gardasil 9 and Bexsero meningitis B vaccines. We also found a young gay MD who is able to advise ds very well. Our biggest concern by far was ds’s health.

PFLAG might be worth a try if just to discuss concerns, get advice and hear from others going through a similar situation. Just having a friend to talk with could be very helpful for you.

Along these lines, I was appalled to discover that DS learned *nothing* about HIV in health class and that still no one talks about it. I’ve armed him with info about PrEP and staying safe; it’s terrifying kids still aren’t given proper sex ed. 

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Posted (edited)
14 minutes ago, MEmama said:

Along these lines, I was appalled to discover that DS learned *nothing* about HIV in health class and that still no one talks about it. I’ve armed him with info about PrEP and staying safe; it’s terrifying kids still aren’t given proper sex ed. 

I agree. My son did have about six months of very detailed sex ed in high school that thoroughly covered gay sex but he didn't heed the advice during college. He ended up battling drug-resistant gonorrhea, which often is coupled with another STI like Chlamydia, for about two years. It led to all kinds of health problems that took about another two years to improve.

Edited by BeachGal
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I read this before it was deleted...

I wouldn’t jump to any rash decisions.

hypothetically, a bisexual person could end in a permanent relationship with  a person of the opposite sex, right? 

It seems like every bisexual person on this board (who has said they were bisexual, I’m sure there are tonnes more who haven’t said so) is a woman married to a man and has had children with that man. 

So if that is the case in your situation (marrying the opposite sex), the issue of acceptance might not even come up, right?

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2 hours ago, MEmama said:

Along these lines, I was appalled to discover that DS learned *nothing* about HIV in health class and that still no one talks about it. I’ve armed him with info about PrEP and staying safe; it’s terrifying kids still aren’t given proper sex ed. 

ITA. DDs sex Ed class was WOEFULLY inadequate. I attempted to get some backup from the pediatrician but the clinic operates as an arm of a conservative religious-affiliated hospital and was no help. Thus, we looked things up together.

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Pinball, you're correct, bisexuals are not any less likely to be monogamous than the rest of us, and therefore most of them end up with one or the other for the long term. Of course, not everybody is or chooses to be monogamous, and even people who are do break up out of long term relationships (or divorce out of marriages) sometimes.

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9 hours ago, BeachGal said:

Just want to add that if this is a dealbreaker for you, carefully consider how changes will affect your financial situation and time. Will you be able to take care of yourself? Still have the time you need to spend with your son? It’s easy to talk the talk, but separation will bring a new set of problems. Maybe you are already prepared. I don't know. But it is definitely something to think about and prepare for as best as you can beforehand.

I’m glad you pointed this out. What I see, working in law, is that if there are deal-breaker conflicts in the marriage this gets not any better if divorced. Because then there’s joint custody and mom can no longer mitigate what dad says about it when the kids are with dad. 

Not to mention other hardships like financial. 

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3 hours ago, Quill said:

I’m glad you pointed this out. What I see, working in law, is that if there are deal-breaker conflicts in the marriage this gets not any better if divorced. Because then there’s joint custody and mom can no longer mitigate what dad says about it when the kids are with dad. 

Not to mention other hardships like financial. 

But this is a near-adult child. Depending on the ages of her kids, particularly if the youngest is over 12, parenting time may be left in the discretion of the children especially if the mental health aspect of a queer child living with a bigoted parent is brought up. 
 

Young kids—total crapshoot, I would agree. But I have been around judges that absolutely care about issues like this.

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13 hours ago, BeachGal said:

Just want to add that if this is a dealbreaker for you, carefully consider how changes will affect your financial situation and time. Will you be able to take care of yourself? Still have the time you need to spend with your son? It’s easy to talk the talk, but separation will bring a new set of problems. Maybe you are already prepared. I don't know. But it is definitely something to think about and prepare for as best as you can beforehand.

I just want to add that for your son, knowing how to stay healthy sexually is also very important. HIV, gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphillis, HPV and meningitis B are some of the more common infections. Our son got the Gardasil 9 and Bexsero meningitis B vaccines. We also found a young gay MD who is able to advise ds very well. Our biggest concern by far was ds’s health.

PFLAG might be worth a try if just to discuss concerns, get advice and hear from others going through a similar situation. Just having a friend to talk with could be very helpful for you.

This is absolutely important for heterosexual people too. STDs are at extremely high rates post-pandemic.

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I read your original post when it was up and it struck me in many ways that I have thought on since I read it. I found the almost unanimous "rah rah, yes it's a deal breaker!" with such limited information to be quite disconcerting to an extreme. Even moreso, particularly in light of what marriage vows mean, and who comes first in a marriage: spouse or offspring? 

I will preface this by saying I have been a long term member of this board. My identity was messed up in all of the recent changes and non-active account deletions, so I had to begin again, but is of small matter as I was not a frequent poster and more a reader at any rate.  I use that as a preface due to my post count, in case some one wants to quiz my bona fides, as I say the following. 

If your marriage was already on the rocks, then I believe you would be ill-served to use your child's latest announcement as "the straw." That is putting an extremely unfair burden onto your child, whom you very much seem to be attempting to protect. If you are at a point of "deal breaking," you owe it to all involved to use the culmination as the reason and not this singular event. Definitely not this very recent and precarious decision of your adult, or soon to be adult, child.

That is unfair to your child. And it is unfair to your husband. Eventually you would realize it was unfair to you as well. You will be laying a burden at the feet of your child. Whether they feel it is justified at this point or not, that they will have to reflect upon for the rest of their life that your marriage break-up was incited by their declaration is a heavy realization.

I honestly believe it would be quite selfish of you to declare a declaration by a young adult, as justification to end what was a life long vow. That is an extremely serious move, and although you may be quite justified in it for reasons we do not know, the reason cannot solely be this. This alone would not end a healthy marriage, no matter the disagreement. 

For the sake of your child, and honesty in general, you owe it to your family to be transparent that this might be a straw, however it is not the only element in the culmination of the destruction of a marriage. You have since deleted your OP, but I believe in there was statement regarding that your marriage was already not on the best of terms, which is why I am posting this. 

That in and of itself is the important element here. Not your child's sudden declaration of bisexuality. Your marriage is struggling and that is between you and your husband and not some random declaration, no matter how serious, by another adult, or almost adult as the case may be. Even if they are your child. 

If you purse divorce, there is a high likelihood that in ten years things will not be viewed as "My Mum was so devoted to my lifestyle choice that she chose to divorce my Dad over his lack of support, for which I will forever be grateful." Although that may be the side you hear. That is possible. However, it is quite possible this event will more likely be fodder of "Did I cause the divorce of my parents?" on a therapists sofa. You may never know that, but do you want that possibility of that haunting your child for the rest of their life? 

In all of the difficulty and stress you are enduring, I would emphasize that no matter how difficult, you be blunt in the evaluation of your marriage and what role this actually plays in it in comparison to the whole and whether it is the sole catalyst, or merely "the straw," which could also be viewed as "the excuse" for something you have been long contemplating. 

The truth is, you do not get to write the autopsy of your own marriage. Those around you will, and blame will be assigned and you do not get to assign that blame. That is worth consideration before any pronouncements are made. 

I wish you and your dh the best, and that you may find peace and healing in your relationship. But whatever you do, do not assign the burden of a failed marriage to your child's life decision. That is unfair to all involved. 

Signed, 

A random internet reader of this most very public forum

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