Hoping for some guidance for 9 y/o first essay attempt

[JessBurs]

My dd wrote her first essay for a literature and intro to writing class through her co-op (9 y/o). I'm copying and pasting it below (she typed out the final version so it is exactly as she wrote it). the class did discuss the ideas covered in the essay (Ma and Ba's influence on Minli's journey in Where the Mountain Meets the Moon). I'm hoping to get some feedback regarding how to help her further make the transition into more essay-type writing for next year and any other suggestions or feedback you can offer.

_______

In the Valley of the Fruitless Mountain, there was a small, poor village. Everyone who lived there had to harvest rice if they wanted to survive. The muddy fields would stain their simple clothes, and so the village was the color of mud and gray. The only person who didn’t go mud-colored was a young girl named Minli. She and her family weren’t any richer than the other villagers, but instead her father, Ba, was telling her stories. These stories were the reason that she didn’t turn gray. Ba and Minli’s mother, Ma, both made Minli decide to go on a journey --- to go and find the Old Man of the Moon, a wise person who was in one of Ba’s stories. Also, Ma and Ba had a large impact on why Minli went away. In this essay, I will discuss in the following paragraphs about how Ma and Ba made Minli decide to go and search for better fortune.

    Let’s start with Ma. She always worried about Minli and Ba, and always kept sighing and saying that they had a bad fortune. When Minli brought the goldfish home, Ma complained about how Minli had spent half their money on it, and made a big deal about how they then had another mouth to feed. She therefore, with all her complaints, made Minli decide to set the goldfish free. The goldfish told Minli about how to get to the Old Man of the Moon. Ma, therefore, made Minli decide to go forth and try to find him.

    Ba, on the other hand, told Minli those many stories, and thus introduced Minli to the Old Man of the Moon. If Ma had been the only parent to raise her, Minli would have also sighed a lot. Ba made it so that she’d instead think about the future. His stories were, as I said before, the reason that Minli did not turn gray like the rest of her village. It also gave her the inspiration to go on this trip in the first place [other than Ma saying that they had a bad fortune]. Ba’s stories were the things that kept Minli going --- until she found what she was looking for: The Old Man of the Moon. 

    The two parents of Minli, although did different things, received the same result, which was Minli setting off alone, to find the Old Man of the Moon.

[PeterPan]

Did they give her a rubric? Personally, I would say nothing unless it's positive. She did a very nice job, and the few small things you notice you can easily hit in your grammar lessons at other times. She is to be congratulated on a very nice job!

[Lori D.]

Agreeing with @PeterPan.

Narrative summary is appropriate for this age, and your DD has done a great job of a lengthy and detailed summary -- much longer than the more normal 1 paragraph summary. So celebrate! 

Just a side note: NO need to work on "more essay-type of writing" for the next few years, if you mean "literary analysis" types of essays, as that is NOT developmentally appropriate for 3rd/4th grade. Those types of essays that are a thesis statement with a supported argument require analysis, logic, and argumentative skills -- and the portions of the brain that process those skills typically don't start maturing until along about age 12-14. So transitioning into essay-writing is appropriate for the middle school years, not in the elementary grades. 😉 

So you can relax and help  keep writing fun and interesting to DD by keeping it developmentally appropriate. Enjoy helping your DD explore a variety of types of writing:
- descriptive writing -- make a travel brochure, book or movie poster, or other fun project
- journal writing from fun prompts
- newspaper article
- book report or book review
- science fair project display board information
- informational reports on topics of interest in History, Science, Geography, etc.
- short biography (several paragraphs) on an interesting famous person
- creative writing: poetry, short stories, script for a short movie, make a comic strip, etc.
- make blog entries
- short speeches or presentations (maybe with a slideshow)


ETA -- PS
What you might find helpful for building as solid foundation for future essay writing is Teaching Writing Through Guided Analysis (aka Treasured Conversations). It is for grades 3-5, and through integrated grammar & writing, it builds from complete paragraphs into multi-paragraph assignments.

BEST of luck in your writing adventures. Warmly, Lori D.

Edited June 1, 2021 by Lori D.

[Momto6inIN]

I think she did great! My DD is also 9 and if she wrote this I would be very proud 🙂

[Jackie]

I agree that this is really quite good for a 9 year old’s first attempt.

My daughter wanted to learn to write basic essays when 8-9 years old because she was running into a few situations where it would be useful to her. We did use and enjoy Michael Clay Thompson’s Paragraph Town and Essay Voyage, with assignments adapted to be more interesting to her. Also, near the beginning, I would talk through her ideas with her, and jot down what she was saying into a basic outline format for her. We would look at the outline and together we would identify places she might want to give more information. As she had more practice, she took over more of the organization and was able to flesh out her own ideas more.

[Not_a_Number]

My question would be whether this essay had a specific goal, or whether it was a vague "write about the book" kind of thing. If it was vague, then it's a great essay. If there was a specific assignment, then I'd have to know what it is to evaluate how she did.