Feedback appreciated

[sarahrb]

My 5th grader and I have been working to improve his writing skills this year.  Can anyone else, especially with current or recent 5th graders, chime in on how his essay is?  For reference, he wrote it on his own a paragraph at a time, and then we spent several days editing it.  He did use one source (not cited in the essay), the D'Aulaire's Biography of Benjamin Franklin.to be frank, ben was here..pdf

[Shoes+Ships+SealingWax]

I see that this has been sitting for quite some time - this board isn’t terribly active, unfortunately - but thought I’d respond anyway.

Overall, I think he’s done decently. I might touch on linking one paragraph to the next either by using transition words or by repeating / reflecting the main idea of each body paragraph in the first sentence of the next. He links back to the introduction decently (mischief / invention, hard work, intellect / invention take 2) but not from one paragraph to the next. 

Also, differences in tone for different styles of writing - he did well with this for the most part, but I’d have him avoid using words like “stuff” for academic writing.