What to do with elderly parent who lives alone after major surgery

[Kassia]

MIL (83) just had a colonoscopy and found out she has cancer and needs surgery.  That's all I know right now, but I'm panicking on what we will do for her after she's released from the hospital.  We live nearby and want as little involvement as possible, plus we have an overwhelming amount of stuff on our plate now anyway and this added responsibility/obligation is very bad timing for us.  She was awful to us (me, DH, and kids) forever until she was widowed last year and suddenly she wanted a relationship and expected us (mostly DH) to help her with absolutely everything.  

What are her options after she is released from the hospital?  If she's having the same surgery I had (twice - that she doesn't even know about even though she lives 10 minutes away), it will be a long recovery - especially for an elderly person.  Is a nursing home an option?  I guess she could have in-home care?  

The timing on this is just awful.  I am already an anxious/stressed mess over other things going on in our lives.  😞  

 

Edited May 24, 2021 by Kassia

[Harriet Vane]

I’m so sorry.

When dfil had knee replacement, his doctors said he would be home in three days. We said absolutely not. Dfil went to a rehab center for two weeks and then had nurses and physical therapists working with him daily at his house for another month.

Check with insurance and also tell the doctor. See about a rehab facility.

[Kassia]

15 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

I’m so sorry.

When dfil had knee replacement, his doctors said he would be home in three days. We said absolutely not. Dfil went to a rehab center for two weeks and then had nurses and physical therapists working with him daily at his house for another month.

Check with insurance and also tell the doctor. See about a rehab facility.

Thank you!  This is very helpful.  

[teachermom2834]

My MIL who lives 700 miles away and is very unpleasant had a knee surgery. She called and demanded we come and said the surgeon told her she needed someone to stay with her in her home to care for her for a certain number of days. We couldn’t do it and she did end up going to a rehab center. Then, once she was home, she called some kind of medical service van that delivered her to appointments and took her grocery shopping. There was a certain number of trips that were covered by her insurance and then she had to pay for them. It was hard to get it figured out because there definitely is an assumption that people have loved ones to provide care. 

[Kassia]

1 minute ago, teachermom2834 said:

My MIL who lives 700 miles away and is very unpleasant had a knee surgery. She called and demanded we come and said the surgeon told her she needed someone to stay with her in her home to care for her for a certain number of days. We couldn’t do it and she did end up going to a rehab center. Then, once she was home, she called some kind of medical service van that delivered her to appointments and took her grocery shopping. There was a certain number of trips that were covered by her insurance and then she had to pay for them. It was hard to get it figured out because there definitely is an assumption that people have loved ones to provide care. 

Thank you!  

It's tricky since we live so close - makes it difficult to suggest using other services.  Grocery delivery is an option, though.  

[teachermom2834]

Just now, Kassia said:

Thank you!  

It's tricky since we live so close - makes it difficult to suggest using other services.  Grocery delivery is an option, though.  

Yeah that is different. My MIL refuses to pay for anything ever so that is always an issue. Some of the fixes to these problems are costly but I tend to part with my money easier than my sanity.🙁

[Kassia]

Just now, teachermom2834 said:

Yeah that is different. My MIL refuses to pay for anything ever so that is always an issue. Some of the fixes to these problems are costly but I tend to part with my money easier than my sanity.🙁

Absolutely.  

[Resilient]

Be very direct with the hospital: MIL has no one at her home, and we cannot bring her into our home for recovery.  We are not set up for it in either the physical setting or the ability to do physical care.  They will likely set up a rehab center stay for her and then the in-home care and transport will have to be taken care of...and I don't know by whom and for how long.  It depends on how capable your MIL is in managing appointments and phone calls.  Your (and her) best resource is the social worker at the hospital, who HAS to help make all these arrangements.  Get with that person as soon as possible and be very clear about what needs to happen.  

My husband was told he had to change the bandages on his mother's behind every day.  He said that in that case, he would be bringing her to the Emergency Room every single day because that constituted an emergency.  It's not going to happen.  The hospital found daily wound-care people to take care of this.  DH can be a little ... forthright.  

 

[Kassia]

Just now, Resilient said:

Be very direct with the hospital: MIL has no one at her home, and we cannot bring her into our home for recovery.  We are not set up for it in either the physical setting or the ability to do physical care.  They will likely set up a rehab center stay for her and then the in-home care and transport will have to be taken care of...and I don't know by whom and for how long.  It depends on how capable your MIL is in managing appointments and phone calls.  Your (and her) best resource is the social worker at the hospital, who HAS to help make all these arrangements.  Get with that person as soon as possible and be very clear about what needs to happen.  

My husband was told he had to change the bandages on his mother's behind every day.  He said that in that case, he would be bringing her to the Emergency Room every single day because that constituted an emergency.  It's not going to happen.  The hospital found daily wound-care people to take care of this.  DH can be a little ... forthright.  

 

This is great advice.  Thank you so much.  MIL is not capable at all - part of it is being recently widowed and the other part is she considers EVERYTHING an emergency and panics and demands help.  

[Resilient]

2 hours ago, Kassia said:

...MIL is not capable at all - part of it is being recently widowed and the other part is she considers EVERYTHING an emergency and panics and demands help.  

It sounds like she IS capable of getting on the phone and asking for help.  She will need to know WHO to call.

• If you can't get out of bed or out of your chair, or if you can't get off the floor when you fall, call 911.
• If you need to go to the doctor, call this number to make an appointment and call that number to get transportation.
• If you need to get your medicines delivered, call this number at the pharmacy.
• If you need groceries, make a list and give me your debit card number and I will order for you online and it will be delivered to your house.  

She will need to know her insurance card number so the people know who to bill. You might have to check her billings every month or so.  Medical billings are confusing.

You can add the things you are willing to help with. I am just being generic on my list. 

[City Mouse]

Yes on the nursing home/rehab facility. My mom stayed in one for about 2 weeks after back surgery. She probably should have stayed longer but she refused to stay and other family members gave in to her demands. Medicare paid for it- except for the extra charge to have a single room. 

[Terabith]

I am really surprised they are doing surgery for cancer found after a coloscopy at 83.  I wouldn't have expected them to still be doing colonoscopies at that age either.  

[katilac]

1 hour ago, Terabith said:

I am really surprised they are doing surgery for cancer found after a coloscopy at 83.  I wouldn't have expected them to still be doing colonoscopies at that age either.  

This. How confident are you that you're hearing the actual truth? 

[Spryte]

Rehab.  I think, IME, Medicare usually covers up to three months in rehab.  After that, home health will come out.

Echoing everyone else to be forthright with the hospital.

[Resilient]

2 hours ago, Terabith said:

I am really surprised they are doing surgery for cancer found after a coloscopy at 83.  I wouldn't have expected them to still be doing colonoscopies at that age either.  

You'd be surprised at the surgeries they did--successfully--on my MIL who was 91 at the time. 

[Kassia]

7 hours ago, Terabith said:

I am really surprised they are doing surgery for cancer found after a coloscopy at 83.  I wouldn't have expected them to still be doing colonoscopies at that age either.  

 

6 hours ago, katilac said:

This. How confident are you that you're hearing the actual truth? 

 

5 hours ago, Seasider too said:

I think within the last year or two the specific recommends regarding colonoscopy did change. However it may depend on the reason for the colonoscopy? Like, you wouldn’t have a screening colonoscopy at 80+, but if there are actually symptoms indicating a  problem perhaps it’s still acceptable as a diagnostic tool. 

 

This was a diagnostic colonoscopy.  She was having pain and bloating, so a CT scan was ordered and they saw something there so the colonoscopy was the next step.  DH took her for the colonoscopy and was there when the doctor gave her the news.  

 

ETA - she also has a history of cancer.  She had lymphoma nine years ago.  The weird thing is she was diagnosed with that the year after my SIL dies (breast cancer).  Now she was diagnosed with cancer again a year after FIL died.  

 

 

Edited May 25, 2021 by Kassia

[Kassia]

Oh, good grief, she's yelling at DH now after he spent all day with her and missed a day of work yesterday for her colonoscopy because he didn't respond immediately to the long message she left on his phone last night after he went to bed.  This is the situation we worried about for so many years.  I know many of you have gone through this or are going through it now.  

 

ETA - he was very firm with her on the phone and I think she apologized. He told her if there's an emergency and she can't reach him to call 911.  Otherwise whatever it is can wait until morning.  She thinks everything is an emergency - once she blew up his cell/our landline/his email because the tv in her favorite room to watch tv stopped working. I think she has 6 other televisions in the house.  She did the same thing the other day when her cell phone stopped working even though it was the day of the colonoscopy prep and the next day would be the colonoscopy - she wasn't going anywhere and didn't need the phone since she only uses it when out.

 

Edited May 25, 2021 by Kassia

[Kassia]

Well, it's already starting.  She has an appointment with the surgeon on Friday and asked DH to go with her.  He just took a day off from work on Monday for her colonoscopy.  Plus, the day of the surgery and whatever else she needs after that.  If this had been a normal family relationship prior to this, we would absolutely want to be there.  But to go from very distanced for so many years that everyone was satisfied with to this huge burden/obligation is too much.  😞  

Sorry to vent.  I'm just so upset and anxious about it all.  We have a really busy summer planned and this is going to be very stressful.  If it were happening in the fall it would be a lot easier to handle.  

 

[Storygirl]

I think it's wise to have a family member go with her to appointments, so that you can hear information firsthand. But I'm sorry that it's stressful. I realize that you don't want to take on more, yourself, but would she let you go to this appointment with her, this once, since your husband should work? Does she have other relatives that could help?

[Wheres Toto]

On 5/24/2021 at 2:48 PM, Kassia said:

Thank you!  

It's tricky since we live so close - makes it difficult to suggest using other services.  Grocery delivery is an option, though.  

We live 10 minutes from my mother and when she had knee surgery she went into rehab afterwards because we weren't going to be able to help her enough.   We both work full time, homeschool, etc. and couldn't be with her all the time.  

I think you need to set firm boundaries on when you/dh are available to help and what you are willing to do.   Choose times and activities that won't interfere with what you need to do for your immediate family, your job(s), etc. 

[Kassia]

1 minute ago, Storygirl said:

I think it's wise to have a family member go with her to appointments, so that you can hear information firsthand. But I'm sorry that it's stressful. I realize that you don't want to take on more, yourself, but would she let you go to this appointment with her, this once, since your husband should work? Does she have other relatives that could help?

It would be much easier for me to go, but she doesn't ask for me ever even though I've been helping her with small things regularly since FIL died.  She specifically asks for DH.  And I agree that it is best to have someone with her, but we just never wanted to be that person and hoped to avoid it.  We always planned on moving to avoid this issue but couldn't because of different circumstances and now here we are.  

There are other relatives but they are all an hour or so away.  Still, I feel like there's a week before the appt. and she could ask them instead.  DH is her only living child, though.  

 

[ScoutTN]

Rehab then home health.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Now is the time to decide on and to establish boundaries. 
 

It might be “Dh cannot take off work for the doctor’s appointment but Kassia can go.”  
 

or. “Dh can take two hours off of work to go to the doctor’s appointment but has to return to work right afterwards. And he will be making it clear to the doctor that he is not available for post-op care which will need to be provided by a rehab facility.”

or some variation that works best for your family. 

[Catwoman]

1 hour ago, Kassia said:

It would be much easier for me to go, but she doesn't ask for me ever even though I've been helping her with small things regularly since FIL died.  She specifically asks for DH.  And I agree that it is best to have someone with her, but we just never wanted to be that person and hoped to avoid it.  We always planned on moving to avoid this issue but couldn't because of different circumstances and now here we are.  

There are other relatives but they are all an hour or so away.  Still, I feel like there's a week before the appt. and she could ask them instead.  DH is her only living child, though.  

 

I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. Since your dh is her only living child, the other relatives might think it’s his responsibility to do everything for his mom, but if she is close to any of them, they might be more than willing to help. Sometimes people don’t offer because they don’t want to step on any toes, so it might be worth having your dh give them a call to let them know what’s going on, and see if anyone offers to help. 

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, Seasider too said:

Why does she get a choice about which one of you goes with her? 
 

eta - your (you and dh) availability and her preference do not have to overlap 

I agree and it might come to that.  I guess I just feel like I'd be very uncomfortable going knowing she doesn't want me there.  She has been horrible to me from the time I met her when I was 18 until FIL died last year.  When I met her, she wouldn't speak to me or look at me.  She attended our wedding, but wouldn't watch - she turned her head and looked at the wall.  She has hurt DH and my kids (all grown now) over and over again.  It's just a very tough situation.  Now that she's alone, she's much nicer but it's still always always about her and her needs/feelings.  

 

 

[Catwoman]

1 hour ago, Kassia said:

I agree and it might come to that.  I guess I just feel like I'd be very uncomfortable going knowing she doesn't want me there.  She has been horrible to me from the time I met her when I was 18 until FIL died last year.  When I met her, she wouldn't speak to me or look at me.  She attended our wedding, but wouldn't watch - she turned her head and looked at the wall.  She has hurt DH and my kids (all grown now) over and over again.  It's just a very tough situation.  Now that she's alone, she's much nicer but it's still always always about her and her needs/feelings.  

 

 

 

Considering the way she has treated your family in the past, I don’t think you should feel too badly about making it clear that you and your dh will not be able to care for your MIL after her surgery. Had she always been nice, I would be the first one to say it was your obligation to help take care of her, but it sounds like she’s only being nice to you as a way to use and manipulate you and your dh. 

I would help arrange for the hospital to transfer her directly to a rehab facility. I feel mean saying it, but it’s what I think you should do. Spend your time and energy on your own immediate family, and visit your MIL when it’s convenient for you. 

If you start to feel guilty about it, maybe it would help to look at this from the other side —- If you had ever been the one who needed her help, would she have been there for you? I’m guessing the answer is no.

[Kassia]

8 hours ago, Catwoman said:

 

 

If you start to feel guilty about it, maybe it would help to look at this from the other side —- If you had ever been the one who needed her help, would she have been there for you? I’m guessing the answer is no.

That's exactly it.  We've needed help many times in the past and would just joke to each other, "wouldn't it be nice to have family close by to help out?" since they live ten minutes away, but would never seriously consider asking.  I've had serious medical issues in the past few years which required two major surgeries and constant medical emergencies and MIL/FIL never even knew about it because we had no relationship at all.  And there were many many times over the years it would have been so nice to have a grandparent to help with childcare for something, but we just dealt with everything on our own because we didn't have the kind of relationship where we could ask.  But she has NO problem expecting help all the time now that FIL is gone.  It's really hard when we were sure all of these years we wouldn't help when this time came, but the reality is that she's an old woman who is alone and needs help.  But we will have no guilt sending her to a rehab facility after surgery and getting as much outside help as possible.  

 

[stephanier.1765]

My heart goes out to you! We've had no relationship with dh's side of the family but at least it was none and not bad. I can't even imagine looking the other way as my child was married. I mean, who does that?!

[Kassia]

2 minutes ago, stephanier.1765 said:

My heart goes out to you! We've had no relationship with dh's side of the family but at least it was none and not bad. I can't even imagine looking the other way as my child was married. I mean, who does that?!

Oh, Stephanie, I could go on and on.  She could be really cruel to DH when he was growing up. He didn't realize it until he was a parent since that was all he knew.  Some of his stories just make me want to cry.  

[Resilient]

At some point, you might be able to tell her some of these things.  "I know you don't want me here. I myself don't want to be here, but I am here because of the kind of person I want to be and that my husband needs me to be." 

Taking care of all these things is hard enough when there is a good relationship.  

Maybe the perspective to take is more along the lines of being kind to a stranger in need...being a Good Samaritan, not necessarily a good daughter-in-law. It is obvious that you have a lot to take care of and you can't be expected to do it all.  Neither did the Good Samaritan.  He did first aid, got the man to the inn and cared for by someone else.  He did what he could.

 

[katilac]

21 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

 Dh can take two hours off of work to go to the doctor’s appointment but has to return to work right afterwards. And he will be making it clear to the doctor that he is not available for post-op care which will need to be provided by a rehab facility.”

If you can confidently allocate two hours to travel to the doctor, be there for the visit, and travel back - I am envious, because your doctors are far more timely than mine! 

[Kassia]

9 minutes ago, Resilient said:

the kind of person I want to be and that my husband needs me to be." 

 

This is what I am trying to focus on.  I feel like I need to pitch in to make things easier and less stressful for DH.  So I can reframe what I do and say I'm doing it for him and not for her.  But I'm fighting the memories of the awful things she's done to us over the years and the knowledge that she only wants a relationship now because she needs us and that's hard.

Edited May 29, 2021 by Kassia

[Resilient]

19 minutes ago, Kassia said:

This is what I am trying to focus on.  I feel like I need to pitch in to make things easier and less stressful for DH.  So I can reframe what I do and say I'm doing it for him and not for her.  But I'm fighting the memories of the awful things she's done to us over the years and the knowledge that she only wants a relationship now because she needs us and that's hard.

I didn't know what emoji to use so I thought I'd better use words.  YES on pitching in for DH.  When I read your last sentence, "relationship now because she needs us" -- that tells you what kind of relationship it is going to be. It's not ever going to be what it could have been...and so the thing to do is to decide how much you are willing to be "used" (because she wants to use someone to give her care) and figure out how much "use" you can be and how to get her to pay for the rest.  Maybe you can be of use in setting up services, but not in providing them personally.  I don't know.  The word "relationship" is pretty elastic and it's probably worth thinking through how it is being defined in this case.  

I'm really sorry.  (And I hope it is not offensive to say that reading about what you are going through and your DH has gone through makes me doubly grateful for my own MIL.  That is a good reminder for me.)

[Kassia]

7 minutes ago, Resilient said:

I didn't know what emoji to use so I thought I'd better use words.  YES on pitching in for DH.  When I read your last sentence, "relationship now because she needs us" -- that tells you what kind of relationship it is going to be. It's not ever going to be what it could have been...and so the thing to do is to decide how much you are willing to be "used" (because she wants to use someone to give her care) and figure out how much "use" you can be and how to get her to pay for the rest.  Maybe you can be of use in setting up services, but not in providing them personally.  I don't know.  The word "relationship" is pretty elastic and it's probably worth thinking through how it is being defined in this case.  

I'm really sorry.  (And I hope it is not offensive to say that reading about what you are going through and your DH has gone through makes me doubly grateful for my own MIL.  That is a good reminder for me.)

Thank you.  ❤️

No, not offensive at all.  I wouldn't want anyone to experience what we've had for the past 35+ years and am glad you have a MIL you can be grateful for.  I hope to be that kind of MIL when the time comes.  

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

42 minutes ago, katilac said:

If you can confidently allocate two hours to travel to the doctor, be there for the visit, and travel back - I am envious, because your doctors are far more timely than mine! 

Yes I can easily.