How do you cope with a snoring spouse?

[mommyoffive]

If your spouse snores, how do you cope with it?

[Spy Car]

Have the spouse checked by a sleep doctor for potential (not unlikely) sleep apnea.

A partner with sleep apnea who uses a CPAP machine (or variants) will no longer snore and everyone will get more sleep.

Something to rule out IMO.

Bill

 

 

[teachermom2834]

Has there been a sleep study? Is sleep apnea the issue? It was a severe problem in my house and the answer was a cpap machine. This seems to be the experience of many of my friends as well. 
 

Now, it took years to get dh to admit it was a problem and get the sleep study. It was awful. Sleep deprivation is a serious thing.

[mommyoffive]

1 minute ago, teachermom2834 said:

Has there been a sleep study? Is sleep apnea the issue? It was a severe problem in my house and the answer was a cpap machine. This seems to be the experience of many of my friends as well. 
 

Now, it took years to get dh to admit it was a problem and get the sleep study. It was awful. Sleep deprivation is a serious thing.

No sleep study done.  Not sure how successful I would be in convincing that to be done. 

[teachermom2834]

1 minute ago, mommyoffive said:

No sleep study done.  Not sure how successful I would be in convincing that to be done. 

I’m sorry. It took years here. Every night dh would be convinced he wouldn’t snore because he had propped up his pillows or taken sinus medicine or something. Once he finally had the sleep study he was so embarrassed and remorseful he didn’t just do it sooner and save us so much misery. And it had become misery. 
 

Dh was able to do his sleep study at home. Would that be more acceptable? He picked up a machine and slept hooked up to it and dropped it back off the next day. 
 

There really seems to be an issue with snorers not understanding what a big deal it is. I was probably going to have to go to counseling or seek antidepressants or something if I hadn’t been able to start sleeping. It’s a big deal.

A spare room is also a solution I have heard. That really wasn’t workable or desirable here. Plus, if the sleep apnea is severe, which it likely is, he really should seek treatment for his own well being.

[Spy Car]

3 minutes ago, mommyoffive said:

No sleep study done.  Not sure how successful I would be in convincing that to be done. 

In every relationship there needs to be give and take and mutual respect for others feelings. And then there is a small subset of non-negotiable items.

When it comes to both partners not getting proper sleep due to a potentially easily fixable problem, might be time to play the nuclear card.

Sleep deprivation will take a toll on both partners. No isn't really an option in my opinion.

Bill

[DawnM]

If no sleep study (I wear a CPAP),  I would suggest a wedge pillow or a split bed that can raise and lower.   

Do you have another bedroom you can go to?

[mommyoffive]

6 minutes ago, DawnM said:

If no sleep study (I wear a CPAP),  I would suggest a wedge pillow or a split bed that can raise and lower.   

Do you have another bedroom you can go to?

Sadly no.  The inn is full.

[klmama]

A friend's dad insisted he didn't have a problem and wouldn't get checked for sleep apnea... until they finally recorded him snoring and played it for him at breakfast.  After hearing how awful it was, he got checked out and used a CPAP.   Just a thought....  

 

[ktgrok]

Nagged until he got a sleep study done (was done at home, just had an appointment to pick up the equipment and then another to go over results). He now uses a CPAP and no longer snores (as long as he uses it....sometimes I have to wake him up to put it on as he fell asleep before putting it on, or took it off in his sleep). 

Before that, I slept on the couch, or a trundle bed in the kids' room, etc. 

[ktgrok]

24 minutes ago, mommyoffive said:

No sleep study done.  Not sure how successful I would be in convincing that to be done. 

Sleep apnea is tied to heart attacks, etc. It's really important he get checked. 

Otherwise, start kicking him to the couch, if he refuses? Maybe that will convince him? 

I was sleeping on a pull out couch or a mattress slid under the kids' bed when not in use. 

[DawnM]

7 minutes ago, mommyoffive said:

Sadly no.  The inn is full.

My husband is prob like yours, doesn't go to doctors, etc....the one thing that will get him to go get checked out is when I say, "You have 4 children who need you here on this earth and your dad died young, please go get tested."   He will usually go at that point.

[Spy Car]

Just now, ktgrok said:

Nagged until he got a sleep study done (was done at home, just had an appointment to pick up the equipment and then another to go over results). He now uses a CPAP and no longer snores (as long as he uses it....sometimes I have to wake him up to put it on as he fell asleep before putting it on, or took it off in his sleep). 

Before that, I slept on the couch, or a trundle bed in the kids' room, etc. 

While reading the thread, I was wondering how things had progressed with you husband. Good news.

Bill

[Spy Car]

1 minute ago, ktgrok said:

Sleep apnea is tied to heart attacks, etc. It's really important he get checked. 

Otherwise, start kicking him to the couch, if he refuses? Maybe that will convince him? 

I was sleeping on a pull out couch or a mattress slid under the kids' bed when not in use. 

Yep. One of many potential serious health consequences. Not to mention the toll on a spouse's health from lack of sleep.

Has to be dealt with.

Bill

 

[ktgrok]

1 minute ago, Spy Car said:

While reading the thread, I was wondering how things had progressed with you husband. Good news.

Bill

Yup, if he would just keep the dang thing on, we'd be golden, lol. I joked that he needed to see if there was cross over between the BDSM and the Sleep Apnea manufacturers, lol. He needs one with a padlock. Most nights it is fine though. 

Only other issue is if he is really stuffy from allergies (not too common, thankfully) he will open his mouth - and then air just sort of escapes out of him like a leaking balloon and that noise will drive me nuts. So when that happens and a quick nudge doesn't get him to adjust, I'll sleep on the couch. But it was only a few times. 

[regentrude]

If he doesn't stop when I poke him, I go sleep in a different room.

[CTVKath]

This was a big problem until my husband got a sleep study done and got a CPAP machine. I used layers of tactics. Earplugs, sound machine (brown noise not white or pink!!!!!) with subwoofer to get the rumble, side sleeping with pillow over my earplugged ear, moving to spare bedroom, moving to den sofa or recliner once spare bedroom was occupied by kids. FYI - I kept a baby monitor on my bedside table when the kids were little and never had a problem hearing them even with earplugs, brown noise and pillow.

Good luck. Sleep deprivation because of snoring is miserable.

[Spy Car]

7 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

Yup, if he would just keep the dang thing on, we'd be golden, lol. I joked that he needed to see if there was cross over between the BDSM and the Sleep Apnea manufacturers, lol. He needs one with a padlock. Most nights it is fine though. 

Only other issue is if he is really stuffy from allergies (not too common, thankfully) he will open his mouth - and then air just sort of escapes out of him like a leaking balloon and that noise will drive me nuts. So when that happens and a quick nudge doesn't get him to adjust, I'll sleep on the couch. But it was only a few times. 

Getting the right mask/headgear for one's taste is probably the biggest factor in CPAP success.

Counterintuitively, the most minimal mask/headgear option for non-mouth-breathers (the ResMed P10) can have advantages for many people as it is "barely there" compared with many bulky masks. People tend to want to knock off bulky masks, which is understandable. Going minimalistic is another option.

The ResMed P10 connoisseurs  choice (lol) IMO.

But mask preferences vary.

Bill

[Garga]

My dh snored for years. He did finally get a sleep study and he had sleep apnea (duh.)

I think all those years of poor sleep messed with his heart. He had to have a stent put in his heart a few years ago. Apparently, he was 90% blocked in the “widow maker” vein. (or artery...can’t remember...)

Snoring isn’t just a cute little thing that people do. It’s LOUD and dangerous to the snorer and the person next to them.

My dh’s memory had gotten so bad from lack of sleep that I seriously thought he was having early-onset dementia in his 40s. I simply stopped talking to him. He would forget what I’d said within 3 minutes of me saying it. Any communication with him was a waste of time.

I had tried recording the snoring, but somehow he took it as me belittling him or mocking him. And, honestly, I did NOT play it for him in a joking way. I was very serious about it, so he wouldn’t feel mocked, but he still felt that way.

He only went for the sleep study when he finally realized that he wasn’t remembering things at work and found himself falling asleep at red lights. 

 

After living through the memory issues with the affect they had on communication in our marriage, after finding out he was sleeping at red lights, and after the heart issues...if I had known that back then, I would have made getting tested a hill to die on.

Oh, and the resentment...no...the Capital R Resentment I felt toward him messing with my sleep also wasn’t good for the marriage. I should have insisted much, much earlier (years earlier) than I did. 

The day he got the CPAP, the snoring stopped except for when he would forget to put it on. 

Edited May 11, 2021 by Garga

[mommyoffive]

Do you just contact a regular doctor for  a sleep study?  Or is there certain doctor for this?

[MercyA]

We have separate bedrooms and it.is.awesome. No guilt, 10/10 would recommend!!! 

ETA: Ah, sorry, posted too soon. I see no additional bedrooms are available. Buy a comfy pull-out couch, maybe? A futon? Ear plugs and white noise did not cut it here.

Edited May 11, 2021 by MercyA

[ktgrok]

31 minutes ago, Spy Car said:

Getting the right mask/headgear for one's taste is probably the biggest factor in CPAP success.

Counterintuitively, the most minimal mask/headgear option for non-mouth-breathers (the ResMed P10) can have advantages for many people as it is "barely there" compared with many bulky masks. People tend to want to knock off bulky masks, which is understandable. Going minimalistic is another option.

The ResMed P10 connoisseurs  choice (lol) IMO.

But mask preferences vary.

Bill

Pretty sure that is what he has. What happens is he wakes up sort of in the wee hours, thinks it is time to get up, takes it off, decides he will get up in "just a minute" then falls back asleep. Generally if he starts snoring I'll hear and tell him to put it back on. 

14 minutes ago, mommyoffive said:

Do you just contact a regular doctor for  a sleep study?  Or is there certain doctor for this?

DH told his regular doctor, who gave him a referral to a sleep study place, who talked to his insurance and arranged for home sleep study. 

13 minutes ago, Seasider too said:

I had to decide that I deserved and needed a good night of sleep. We have an extra bedroom available so that is where I sleep. I had to advocate for my own health. It has made a big difference for me to get the restorative sleep my aging body requires! DH would probably decline a sleep study unless he felt really unrested, and he’s not the sort to ever admit that, he’s quite fit overall, but the snoring. 

We have another issue, though. We have different body clocks, his runs 530am-930pm, mine prefers 8am-midnight. I have to get up earlier due to school and work, but still cannot settle in as early as dh. I kind of lose access to the master suite after 930pm. And we do not like the same mattress, and I can’t take his body heat at night, he likes to sleep in the middle, no matter what size the bed. I think if we were to sleep in the same room I’d actually need Rob & Laura beds, and truth be told, maybe sleep studies for both of us!
 

[ETA all that to say, I wish there weren’t some sort of feeling of marriage fail attached to sleeping separate, but i feel like people judge the strength of a union based on whether or not a couple sleeps - those unconscious hours - in the same bed every night. I lost a lotta quality sleep before deciding I didn’t care if anyone knew I took a separate bedroom.]

OP, I hope your dh will agree to a sleep study.

 

I really really sleep better by myself....but DH takes it so personally. But he likes to cuddle and touch me during the night and that wakes me up and I hate it. My idea of "cuddling" is to be back to back, with a few inches of back or butt touching, or I'm on my back and my arm is barely touching his back or arm. That's it. The way a dog might lay down next to you, touching you, but not ON you or wrapped around you or petting you. His idea is more wound together, stroking and snuggling. I'm like, that's fine for "adult time" but this is sleepy time - stop touching me!

I would love to have a house with those old his and hers adjoining  bedrooms!

[Spy Car]

16 minutes ago, mommyoffive said:

Do you just contact a regular doctor for  a sleep study?  Or is there certain doctor for this?

GP can do a referral. Most sleep clinics/sleep doctors have diagnostic units one can use at home as @teachermom2834 mentioned above, so no need to spend a night in a "sleep lab" (other than for unusual cases).

Bill

 

[EKS]

CPAP machine.  That is the only thing that helped.  Prior to that, I tried running a fan, wearing earplugs, and poking him when it got really bad, all with limited success.

If that isn't going to happen, separate sleeping quarters.  I know that it always seems to be the non-snoring partner who moves out of the bedroom, but I vote for evicting the snorer, especially if he is resistant to doing what he can medically to alleviate the problem.

[fraidycat]

I'm a very deep sleeper, so once I fall asleep it is fine. Until then, I nudge until he rolls over.

That said, he is very sleep deprived so he is currently awaiting his appointment call back to go for a sleep study. I am almost certain that he stops breathing.

[Spy Car]

19 minutes ago, MercyA said:

We have separate bedrooms and it.is.awesome. No guilt, 10/10 would recommend!!! 

ETA: Ah, sorry, posted too soon. I see no additional bedrooms are available. Buy a comfy pull-out couch, maybe? A futon? Ear plugs and white noise did not cut it here.

My dear friend, ignoring what might be a serious health issue by decamping to separate rooms isn't a positive .

If that sounds like I'm trying to induce "guilt," then you've read me correctly 

Bill

[Selkie]

Losing weight can help a lot. My dh was only a little overweight (10-15 lbs.) but as soon as he lost it, his snoring decreased dramatically.

[HS Mom in NC]

My husband snores so loudly we wakes himself up, so he wears earplugs.  He's a light sleeper and I get all my exercise in while I sleep. He's an early riser, I am not. We've slept separately for more than a couple of decades now and neither of us feel guilt because neither of us is doing anything wrong.   Middle daughter and her husband sleep separately (married 3 years) and they're both very happy with that situation. I have the master bedroom and husband has his own bedroom.  No, it does not decrease TeAtime.  If that happens, sleeping in separate locations isn't the problem-hire a licensed counselor to get to the bottom of that. Sometimes we go back to his place, sometimes we go back to mine. Our frequency averages have always been well above the national averages according to studies.

If you haven't got an extra room buy a Murphy bed, a couch that folds out, a comfy couch that's long enough to sleep on, a recliner that works for sleeping, a firm air mattress that can be put in the living room, etc.

[matrips]

I go to bed before him and I wear ear plugs.  

[saraha]

Dh did the sleep study, got the cpap  and tried every mask thing available. The machine recorded him sleeping LESS with the cpap because he just couldn’t get comfortable. It also gave him terrible gas because somehow he was swallowing a lot of air? The cpap was a fail for us. He really did give it a try and was so sleep deprived with the machine. We are out of options and I feel so bad for him.

Edited May 11, 2021 by saraha

[Spy Car]

2 minutes ago, saraha said:

Dh did the sleep study, got the cpap  and tried every mask thing available. The machine recorded him sleeping LESS with the clap because he just couldn’t get comfortable. It also gave him terrible gas because somehow he was swallowing a lot of air? The cpap was a fail for us. He really did give it a try and was so sleep deprived with the machine. We are out of options and I feel so bad for him.

 Did you have anyone help your husband dial-in the settings? Too many sleep clinics/sleep doctors prescribe "automatic" CPAP  machines (which is good) but then set them up to "fully auto" mode 4/20 (not good).

My advice? Send him over the "Apnea Board" user forum. User-experts can help refine the settings to get rid of the  aerophagia ("air swallowing"). It's all free and the folks there are amazing. With the right range of settings he should be able to get comfortable and effective treatment. Most people don't get customized settings, hence the high failure rates.

Bill

[saraha]

8 minutes ago, Spy Car said:

 Did you have anyone help your husband dial-in the settings? Too many sleep clinics/sleep doctors prescribe "automatic" CPAP  machines (which is good) but then set them up to "fully auto" mode 4/20 (not good).

My advice? Send him over the "Apnea Board" user forum. User-experts can help refine the settings to get rid of the  aerophagia ("air swallowing"). It's all free and the folks there are amazing. With the right range of settings he should be able to get comfortable and effective treatment. Most people don't get customized settings, hence the high failure rates.

Bill

I have no idea. I know he went back and forth to the sleep place, but he didn’t sleep there. I’ll tell him about the apnea board. Does it have a specific name? We don’t have the machine anymore, we had just rented it and he returned it.

Edited May 11, 2021 by saraha

[Spy Car]

1 minute ago, saraha said:

I have no idea. I know he went back and forth to the sleep place, but he didn’t sleep there

What I'm saying is that sleep clinics/sleep doctors are overwhelmed. Very few take the time to personalize the settings, so they throw the machines into "full auto" mode.

"Full auto mode" works for some subset of users (but is never optimal), while for others it is a "fail." Experiencing aerophagia ("air swallowing") is a "fail." Unfortunately getting a clinic/doctor to customize the settings is a very rare thing.

If your husband would like to give it a last shot, the user-exerts at "Apnea Board" are very willing to help people optimize their devices. I can't speak more highly of this resource. They are providing the care we should get from the medical profession (but don't).

Generally, issues like aerophagia can be eliminated via proper titration of the device.

"Apnea Board" is like having the sort of "boutique" care one would get if one were a master-of-the-universe.

The gurus there know their stuff. Worth exploring IMO. He would need to post machine data, which the group can explain.

Bill 

 

 

[Jaybee]

For general info: After you get a cpap machine, it does usually take some adjustment time. First is getting the settings right; then is finding the best mask style for you. My cousin told me about taking time, and advised me to just push through it even though it was hard and frustrating. I did, and my sleep is soooo much better. I had gotten to where my anxiety ramped up the closer it came to nighttime, because I dreaded the waking up numerous times per night. Now I also fall asleep much more quickly, don't have to get up as often for bathroom trips, and have much better/deeper sleep. And that's my cpap testimony! lol

[alisoncooks]

CPAP was a big help. For one, he wasn't getting good sleep with me nudging him to roll over all night. Two, sleep apnea doesn't allow one to fully be rested. If your DH needs daytime naps, that's probably a good sign he's got it. 

I'd totally be down with separate rooms. Even with CPAP, we have such different sleep schedules (and bladder schedules). 

[EKS]

1 hour ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

My husband snores so loudly we wakes himself up, so he wears earplugs.

I am astounded that wearing earplugs does anything for this.  I find that internal noises are magnified when I wear them. 

[Bambam]

I slept with it for years. But then I managed to convince him to get a sleep study done, and now he has a CPAP machine, and he is a silent sleeper. It took me a while to get used to no snoring.  I am thankful for our bed that doesn't move when the other turns over/gets up. We stayed in a motel recently where this was not the case. I never realized how much a bigger better mattress helps with that! 

[mommyoffive]

I would LOVE separate bedrooms.  It is hard sharing a room with snoring and different sleep schedules.   I am so much better when I can get a whole night of sleep.  But honestly we have no space in our house for that.  Dogs are downstairs which is open floor plan.  And they are just as annoying to sleep around too.  If only we had 7 bedrooms in our house.  Sigh.

[Hilltopmom]

4 hours ago, mommyoffive said:

I would LOVE separate bedrooms.  It is hard sharing a room with snoring and different sleep schedules.   I am so much better when I can get a whole night of sleep.  But honestly we have no space in our house for that.  Dogs are downstairs which is open floor plan.  And they are just as annoying to sleep around too.  If only we had 7 bedrooms in our house.  Sigh.

None of your kids can share a room so that you can get some sleep? 
or you put an extra mattress in a kids room and sleep in there?

re home dogs so you can have first floor sleeping quarters?

[Farrar]

I poke him.

This is probably not the best solution.

[Junie]

Dh stopped snoring when he lost some weight.  However, I usually know when he is getting sick.

What works when he snores:  gentle kicking, asking him to roll over, and (surprisingly) just asking him to stop.  

[mommyoffive]

46 minutes ago, Hilltopmom said:

None of your kids can share a room so that you can get some sleep? 
or you put an extra mattress in a kids room and sleep in there?

re home dogs so you can have first floor sleeping quarters?

Some already share rooms. And sleeping with the kids isn't really restful either.  Sleep talkers and other stuff.

Yeah we wouldn't rehome our dogs.  Our old one deserves to live out the rest of her life with us.  And downstairs would just be a problem anyhow since it is an open floor plan.  We were thinking of moving just to gain some more bedrooms.  We might some day put in one in our basement.  But it is unfinished now. 

[math teacher]

I want Dh to get tested for sleep apnea-but right now we have separate bedrooms. It's what works here.

[klmama]

5 hours ago, Bambam said:

I am thankful for our bed that doesn't move when the other turns over/gets up.

Please, tell us more about this magic bed.  Brand? Style? Size?  Thanks!

[Bambam]

40 minutes ago, klmama said:

Please, tell us more about this magic bed.  Brand? Style? Size?  Thanks!

Really I think it is just the mattress. It is really thick (maybe 16"?) memory foam type - California King size. You really cannot feel anyone moving in that bed. I have no idea what/where it came from. The bed frame is just a standard metal frame.  The bed is a little high to get in/out of, but it is worth it not to feel anything. 

[Lady Marmalade]

No sleep apnea for my DH.  His snoring is not quite as bad as it was at its peak, as he lost about 40 pounds and has about 50 more to go.  I suspect if he were to get back to his habits at getting healthy the snoring would improve further.

In the meantime,  I move to the couch in the middle of the night, every night.  It's certainly not ideal, but we have different sleep schedules anyway.     

[lulalu]

My dh needed a nose job. He doesn't snore now thankfully. 

But before that I would go to sleep first by about 2 hours so I was deep asleep before he was. Then he used a wedge pillow. And he slept on the couch. But he could be heard anywhere in the house it was that loud. 

[El...]

Theres snoring, and then theres a cycling chain saw.

I threw a fit until DH told his Dr. I recorded him and made him listen to it. I also told him we were getting less, uh, "time together" because of I couldn't go to bed when he did.

The sleep study has changed our lives. Dh was offered a CPAP, but asked for a less drastic option (the CPAP felt too final to him). He was fitted with a TAP dental mouthpiece that he wears most nights. He sleeps silently! And, more importantly, he's finally getting some rest. His sense of humor returned! Before, he was so depressed he was talking to our pastor about it, but two weeks after he started sleeping well, his perspective on life was drastically improved. 

I can't recommend getting snoring addressed more strongly.  He got that mouthpiece in early 2020, right before covid. Can you imagine living through 2020 without getting sleep? This timing was a gracious gift from God. 

[Janeway]

I make him roll on to his side. I also sent him to the doctor as it can be a sign of sleep apnea which will slowly kill a person by damaging the heart and such.

[KungFuPanda]

Wait!  They do sleep studies at home? Why didn't I understand this???