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My mother won't wish me a Happy Mother's Day


math teacher
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I always call her and get her a gift. She just says thank you. She has mentioned to me that she said it to her Pastor's wife. My sister and I questioned her about it once and she said, "Because I'm Momma." 

A little back story-she was never a good mother. Didn't help me on my wedding day, didn't tell me I looked nice or anything. 

Anyone want to figure her out?

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Well, it would never occur to me to wish someone a happy Mother’s Day if that person wasn’t, you know, my mom. I find it terribly awkward when other people say it to me, like wtf? I don’t wish you happy birthday on my birthday? 
 

Maybe she’s coming from a similar perspective.

 

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10 minutes ago, MEmama said:

Well, it would never occur to me to wish someone a happy Mother’s Day if that person wasn’t, you know, my mom. I find it terribly awkward when other people say it to me, like wtf? I don’t wish you happy birthday on my birthday? 

This.
I don't say "happy mother's day" to anybody but my mother.
 

Edited by regentrude
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In and of itself, it doesn't strike me as so weird for the reasons above - some people don't wish happy mothers' day to anyone but their own mother. And I've certainly known many moms who like days where they can take their due, so to speak, so some of them play it up a bit. Like, I'm the mom, I'd better get some proper appreciation.

It sounds like there's a lot of history and context to this though that goes way beyond. So that sounds like the actual issue.

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My mom didn’t acknowledge me on this day until my oldest was about five. My mom complained when we were leaving a Mother’s Day lunch and said, “But it’s Mother’s Day“. I replied it was indeed, that I was also a mother, and I was now going to spend the remainder of it with my kids. She looked surprised and apologized later. When I tell her happy Mother’s Day now she always reciprocates.

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I don't like Mother's Day, but I wish my friends a Happy Mother's Day and also my MIL (even though she's a terrible mother and grandmother).  I think my friends are fantastic moms and I like to say something if it's a day they enjoy celebrating.  

I'm sorry for those of you who want their moms to acknowledge that it's your Mother's Day, but they won't.  I'd make a big deal over the mom of my grandkids!  ❤️

 

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I’m curious when ya’all were little, what was the tradition with grandmas. DH would like to skip seeing grandmas (repeating his family tradition of focusing on mom) whereas I can’t skip seeing grandmas (my growing up tradition.) I just wonder, given the lack of recognition of it’s a repetitive pattern?

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3 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

I’m curious when ya’all were little, what was the tradition with grandmas. DH would like to skip seeing grandmas (repeating his family tradition of focusing on mom) whereas I can’t skip seeing grandmas (my growing up tradition.) I just wonder, given the lack of recognition of it’s a repetitive pattern?

I grew up celebrating all the moms in our family on Mother's Day.  We would have a brunch and it was a day for celebrating mom, grandma, aunts, and great aunts.  

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OP, I suspect what you are truly reacting to is feeling a lack of love and support from your mother. That isn't really about whether or not she tells you Happy mother's day or not; it's about thousands of interactions over the years. It's those thousands of interactions that probably make lack of personal acknowledgment on mother's day feel like a significant thing.

I am sorry you have experienced this in your relationship.

Whether or not your mother wishes you a happy mother's day is entirely irrelevant; relationships don't hinge on the way holidays are acknowledged. I don't expect my mother to acknowledge me on mother's day, or my birthday, or any particular day. She isn't the kind of person who pays much attention to such days.

I know my mom loves and supports me because I have had thousands of other interactions where she has demonstrated such love and support.

I am sorry it sounds like you have not experienced that from your mom. You're not going to be able to fix that since you can't control her; I think all you can do is be a loving and supportive mother to your own children.

(((Hugs)))

And Happy Mother's Day!

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You said it yourself - she's not a very good mother. She's not very supportive in the ways you needed support as a child or now as an adult.

And that's sad, but that's how it is. You can't get tacos from a pizza shop. You can't get the sort of loving relationship you want with your mom from somebody who doesn't have it in her to be that way.

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3 hours ago, MEmama said:

Well, it would never occur to me to wish someone a happy Mother’s Day if that person wasn’t, you know, my mom. I find it terribly awkward when other people say it to me, like wtf? I don’t wish you happy birthday on my birthday? 
 

Maybe she’s coming from a similar perspective.

 

Interesting. I had several people say it to me today besides my son and it didn’t seem strange to me at all.

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2 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

I’m curious when ya’all were little, what was the tradition with grandmas. DH would like to skip seeing grandmas (repeating his family tradition of focusing on mom) whereas I can’t skip seeing grandmas (my growing up tradition.) I just wonder, given the lack of recognition of it’s a repetitive pattern?

I truly do not remember how it was celebrated with my grandmothers. One passed away when I was 11 and I don't remember how the other one was treated. 

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2 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

I’m curious when ya’all were little, what was the tradition with grandmas. DH would like to skip seeing grandmas (repeating his family tradition of focusing on mom) whereas I can’t skip seeing grandmas (my growing up tradition.) I just wonder, given the lack of recognition of it’s a repetitive pattern?

I just wish all of the mother's a Happy Mother's Day.  My mother and grandmother both got phone calls every year.  My grandmother died at 95 and this is only the second Mother's Day without her.  It's sad not to make that call.  I've had several friends exchange a Mother's Day greeting with me today.  I think I've just purged my life of anyone who would take offense at me being overly generous with the Mother's Day love.  My mother always wishes me a Happy Mother's Day in return. 

I just tried to initiate a three way facetime with my mother and sister and my mom was in a store and my sister was getting out of the shower.  They BOTH answered WITH their cameras on.  😄 At least my sister's camera was mostly ceiling, but still.  I told them we'd try again later.  When the call resumes, Mother's Day greetings will be exchanged all around and my sister and I don't even have the same mother!

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1 minute ago, pinball said:

I’d want to know how your mom was treated by her mom.

people don’t learn these types of belief systems in a vacuum.

Happy Mother’s Day!

i come from a culture where we celebrate all maternal type women in our lives.

My maternal grandmother had mental issues and did not treat my mother well at all. In fact, my mother suffers from epilepsy that was a result of a blow to the head by her mother. Very sad

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1 minute ago, math teacher said:

My maternal grandmother had mental issues and did not treat my mother well at all. In fact, my mother suffers from epilepsy that was a result of a blow to the head by her mother. Very sad

I’m so sorry. that is awful

 

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I only wish my mother a happy Mother's Day. When my maternal grandmother was still alive I gave her a gift and wished her a Happy Mother's Day because she helped raise us when my mom was single. 

While I appreciate people trying to be nice, I think it's really weird for someone to wish anyone other than their mother or mother figure/substitute a happy Mother's Day. Once again, everyone is different and two different people can have completely opposite reactions to the same well-intentioned statement/action.

OP, it sounds like your mother was a person with serious issues and you bore the brunt of it.  That must be awful.  I don't think focusing on a lack of her wishing you a happy Mother's Day is where you need to spend your emotional energy.  You should spend that precious energy on healing from from being treated and undervalued for no good reason. 

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8 minutes ago, math teacher said:

I would just like to add that all my life I have gone to church on Mother's Day where it is common for both men and women to wish all the mothers a happy mother's day. My mother has as long as I can remember. 

Quoting myself to say that she has also gone to church where this is the thing to do.

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I’m sorry you’ve been hurt, math teacher, and that hurtful actions continue.  My mom also won’t wish me a happy Mother’s Day and until a couple of years ago expected to be doted on all day even though I have my own children.  Me drawing boundaries has been hurtful to her.  Interestingly, my DH’s sibling passed away unexpectedly a few years ago and she will text my MIL a sweet sympathy text but has never said anything to me or DH, even if we are in person with her on the day of. 

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35 minutes ago, math teacher said:

Quoting myself to say that she has also gone to church where this is the thing to do.

I've always gone to churches that do this and have friends and a few extended family members that do this. I still think it's really weird.  Mother's Day isn't a communal experience for me. I don't want it to be communal. It's an individual experience between me and my mother and my maternal grandmother. It's between me and my kids.  I didn't invite anyone else into it and I don't like others inserting themselves where they weren't invited.

Do I smile and say "thank you" when people do it? Yes, but sometimes people just don't know better and they get caught up in what's normative without questioning things or considering that others don't see it the same way they do.

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40 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

I still think it's really weird.  Mother's Day isn't a communal experience for me. I don't want it to be communal. It's an individual experience between me and my mother and my maternal grandmother. It's between me and my kids.  I didn't invite anyone else into it and I don't like others inserting themselves where they weren't invited.

Do I smile and say "thank you" when people do it? Yes, but sometimes people just don't know better and they get caught up in what's normative without questioning things or considering that others don't see it the same way they do.

Until this thread, I had no idea people felt this way.  As I wrote earlier, I don't like Mother's Day, but I'm happy for those who do and I do wish them a Happy Mother's Day because I know so many women who are really wonderful and caring moms and I use this *holiday* to acknowledge that.  And I'm happy for them that they have a day where they feel special about their role in their family.  I don't see it as any different than wishing someone a Merry Christmas or Happy Thanksgiving or whatever even if I don't celebrate with them.

 

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I'm sorry you don't get the love and support you need from your mom.

Around here we all wish all the mothers a Happy Mother's Day. So I've wished and received MD greetings to/from my Mom, siblings, aunts, friends, nieces, nephews, DH and the kids. That is the norm for our area, but it appears other families have different ideas about who should wish & receive to/from whom.

ETA: I forgot to say Happy Mother's Day!

Edited by fraidycat
Because I'm a doofus sometimes.
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1 minute ago, Kassia said:

Until this thread, I had no idea people felt this way.  As I wrote earlier, I don't like Mother's Day, but I'm happy for those who do and I do wish them a Happy Mother's Day because I know so many women who are really wonderful and caring moms and I use this *holiday* to acknowledge that.  And I'm happy for them that they have a day where they feel special about their role in their family.  I don't see it as any different than wishing someone a Merry Christmas or Happy Thanksgiving or whatever even if I don't celebrate with them.

 

Because Thanksgiving and Christmas aren't about a specific one on one personal relationships between parents and their child(ren.)

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13 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

Because Thanksgiving and Christmas aren't about a specific one on one personal relationships between parents and their child(ren.)

Based on your comment, I had to look on Wikipedia to see if Mother's Day is truly about specific relationships and it appears it's not:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mother's_Day

 

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2 hours ago, math teacher said:

My maternal grandmother had mental issues and did not treat my mother well at all. In fact, my mother suffers from epilepsy that was a result of a blow to the head by her mother. Very sad

Fwiw, trauma (which your mother clearly had) results in dissociation. Might be a comprehensible, if unsatisfying explanation. And it can be reversed with trauma therapy. I'm sort of a nonresponder anyway, but I was dramatically disassociated due to childhood trauma. My dd went in for counseling (with complaints possibly like yours) and the counselor was like hello, trauma. He had me start doing Trauma Release Exercises and it was a radical change.

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26 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

Because Thanksgiving and Christmas aren't about a specific one on one personal relationships between parents and their child(ren.)

IMO, neither is Mother's Day. 🤷🏻‍♀️To me,  it is a day to acknowledge all mother figures.

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1 hour ago, fraidycat said:

IMO, neither is Mother's Day. 🤷🏻‍♀️To me,  it is a day to acknowledge all mother figures.

Yes, that's how I've always felt about it.  I do appreciate it when my son's girlfriends wish me a HMD.  It's not necessary and I'd understand if they didn't (they are both close with their mothers) but it does make me feel good.

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OP, so sorry your mom isn’t supportive and kind. That stinks.

Among the people who have wished me a happy Mother’s Day today: a hotel staff person who was in the elevator with us, a worker at a restaurant, my niece (who has always been more like a buddy to me since we’re only 11 years apart), the husband of a dear friend, and two longtime friends. And three of our kids. 
 

Other than my kids, I kind of find the others unusual. I’m missing my own mom, who passed away a decade ago and my wonderful wither in law, who passed away three years ago. Also, our relationship with our middle daughter has been strained for years and we haven’t spoken in more than a year. (She cashes the birthday and Christmas checks but doesn’t respond to calls or texts. Five months ago her siblings contacted her on our behalf to make sure she was ok, and she was). So Mother’s Day isn’t especially sad, it’s just...not a big deal to me. But I don’t say HMD to strangers because I don’t know if the day is a happy or sad one and I don’t want to make anyone feel bad. Which of course means I don’t take a risk and make anyone feel good today, either. 

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