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[Drama Llama]

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Edited May 8, 2021 by BaseballandHockey
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[fraidycat]

Can you keep 13 at home and send 10 to school?

 

[frogger]

You have a lot of info there and you have really thought this through. It actually looks like you have two good options.

 

I'll be honest with you, I've never met a person with an ideal schooling experience all the time. It's a target. Something to look to, but in the end we just try to take the best options available to us at the time.

I will add one more thing since you have thought through their needs so well. Have you factored in what is good for you and the other adults in the house? The less stress or frustration of keeping up with schedules etc, the better for not only you and the other adults but also for your sons as they interact with you all.

Edited May 5, 2021 by frogger
Correcting auto-correct

[Lilaclady]

I will say try out the homeschool for a semester and see how it goes and then if it doesn’t work, they can go to the school. I feel that they are young enough that it should still be manageable. You have a pretty good idea of their needs and you are trying to meet them as best as you can. There is usually never an ideal situation but we do the best with what we have. All the best. 

[Lecka]

My main thought is you are worried about exercise and emotional connection at public school. I look at those as positives for public school.  If those would be inadequate I think that is an important consideration.  
 

I think a lot of that is personality and what kids do seek out at home and independently and how much time they need.  
 

For my kids — those two items go in the “plus” column for public school, because they are not ones who exercise much or have an easy time meeting people outside of school.  They need that “we see each other every day.”  I can work to make things happen but I know it is hard.  
 

For kids who would have an easier time and need a lot of time for exercise and emotional connection, and seek it out, and (to me) *not resist it* I think that is something to consider.  

[JennyD]

In your situation, I'd be inclined to send them to public school in the fall and then reevaluate midyear.  It sounds like if it works out, it would be a great option for your family.  But if it doesn't, you can always homeschool.  And at that point you will be more settled in your new job and have a better sense of both your kids' priorities and what you could realistically accomplish at home.   

[Lecka]

I would say I also know what my kids seek out to do in their free time, so I feel like — if we did homeschool, I think they would pursue their interests and I would have to push them to do some things I think are priorities.  
 

My kids have some good personal interests but it is hard to get them to do some things that other kids either seek out or do not mind, and i have a mental list — anyway, exercise and connection definitely go in the “public school” column for me, with my specific kids, and I think those are major concerns to think might be inadequate.  

[SKL]

I would give it a try at home with the new hours (starting in the spring or summer), so you have a realistic picture of how that's going to go.  As a WAHM, I am constantly re-learning the fact that how we think our time will be used doesn't often line up with what actually happens.

I think going to high school is a good experience in general, even though many aspects of it aren't perfect.  That said, since you have decided to put him in a year lower if he goes to b&m school, how about doing this year at home (if it works out), to shore up weaknesses etc., and then start him at high school in 9th grade?

[kbutton]

How did they do in school before the two years of homeschooling? Does your older child have an IEP or 504 for support? Does he need one?

I think it sounds like you could swing a semester at school and see how it goes.

 

[Drama Llama]

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Edited May 8, 2021 by BaseballandHockey
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[pinball]

Bluntly,

i would be extremely hesitant to have any child start B&M schooling in middle school. 

Middle school is so tough socially, even for kids without any other mitigating factors.

given your situation, and what you wrote, I’d keep them both home. 

I also wouldn’t stress about what happens when you are are work, with regard to another adult from the household teaching them.

You could have those days as review days, catchup days, or work on your own days (reading, watching documentaries or listening to audio books, etc.) Or those days can be days off for school, with evenings or weekends to replace those days, if needed.

[MEmama]

The public school might just have excellent resources for your sons ADHD and emotional needs, and schools  usually provide tutors and/or extra help time from teachers. I would set up an appointment with the counselor and talk through your concerns and how they might be able to accommodate. For your younger son, they are accustomed to kids having asynchronous needs and can fit him into the classes that best reflect where he is.

Team sports through the school provide not only the exercise piece your son needs, but also connection with teammates and a sense of identity. I was very surprised by how important that identity was for my DS (as a varsity runner) when he went to the public high school, it wasn’t something I had considered at all and turned out to play a major role in his high school experience (and now, going off to university). 
 

The transition (back?) to public school might end up a positive marker from the trauma they’ve experienced and the accommodations you’ve been able to make to keep everyone functioning, back into the world they once knew and will have to face. 
 

best of luck as you weigh your options. 

[Katy]

My inclination would also be to put them in school and reevaluate at the end of the first term. Not just for social and athletic reasons, but to create some margin.  You’ve gone without much margin for years and I think you all need it.  Of course if the school relies on heavy homework it may not provide as much margin as I think, but if it’s less than an hour per night it might be great for all of you. 

[Terabith]

I think I'd talk to the other adults involved and see how seriously they feel about being involved for the time they'd need to be involved and how much of a sacrifice it would be if you really did homeschooling.  I think I'd sign them up for the homeschooling outsourced stuff to reserve spots and re-evaluate closer to the time of school starting how realistic homeschooling would be with everyone's work schedules, health, and how they're coping with grief.  If everything is good to go, I'd probably start off trying to homeschool with public school as a backup and think of this next school year as a year to shore up skills and confidence and emotional stability with the intent of applying for private high schools next year for oldest.  

But my opinions are fickle.  I think it has the potential to be really good; I just want to make sure the adults aren't more stressed by homeschooling and juggling jobs and health issues, as well as making sure the kids' needs for stability are met.  I think on balance homeschool might do a better job of meeting those physical and academic needs.  I would want to keep an eye on things to make sure it will meet their emotional needs, since they will still be primarily surrounded by adults who are themselves stressed.  I think it's important to both meet the needs of the kids and also to meet the adults' needs.  It's been a hard few years for all of you guys.

[Jean in Newcastle]

How have your local schools handled Covid?  Will things start up in the fall in a normal fashion?  Or will there be a lot of kids who basically had a year without a lot of learning and so then classes will be a bit chaotic academically as teachers figure out how to deal with that reality? 

[Pamela H in Texas]

Just here to give support and hugs.  I saw your title and wondered.... just that I'm in a similar situation of deciding this same thing for one of my children.  Its so hard when both school and home really aren't particularly GOOD options (never will either be ideal, I don't think; that's me as a homeschool mom of 24+ years now).  Anyway, I wish you peace in whichever decision you make.

[fraidycat]

3 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

The kids are adamant that they want to be together.  I also think that either kid would be lonely home with an adult who is working.

DS10 has done really well with homeschooling.  His teachers at the end of 3rd described him as “on grade level”.  He did he bare minimum so he could get back to playing.  Now, he is multiple years ahead. I think though that he would be fine anywhere.

It really sounds to me like either choice you have is a doable one. There is no such thing as perfect, unfortunately. You could always put them in school in the fall, monitor, then evaluate at Christmas time whether they stay or come home.

To give you an idea of where I'm coming from, my DS and I are the extroverts of our family. My DH and DD are introverts, so I've experienced and witnessed how those two personality types respond to different situations. 
 

When homeschooling, mine and my DS's mental/emotional health suffered a great deal from lack of continuous interaction with large amounts of people. A couple hours a few times a week was not enough. Energy and motivation really took a nosedive. I recognize it, in hindsight, now that DS is back in public school.

On the other hand my DD suffered some pretty serious burnout as a public high school student, because it was a little too much constant interaction.

I understand that your situation is different from mine in that you have a lot of family support nearby (we were military) so your 10 y.o. has more of a social circle than we ever did as homeschoolers. But, I hope that sharing my experience will be of some use to you.

This parenting gig is hard! Trying to make major decisions in a time of grief and upheaval is even harder. Big big hugs. I hope you are able to sort it quickly. Congrats in the new job!

 

[Farrar]

If it was elementary, I'd say send them. If it was high school, I'd say do it. Middle school? Run away.

That's just my gut reaction though knowing what I know about the issues that are prevalent with middle schools in particular. I also think it sounds like your 10 yo in particular would benefit from more time at home academically and probably for his energy - that energy for socializing and moving doesn't always find a positive outlet in school, especially middle school. It also seems like another year at home together might benefit all of you.

But while that's my take... honestly, you've thought it out and I think it will probably work out fine either way so you shouldn't feel an ounce of guilt over it. Do what your gut says.

[mommyoffive]

I am agreeing with the not in Middle School thought.  I think that is such a hard time in normal times.  But after what your kids have been through with the loss of the sibling and then the last 15 months of covid.  I have heard so much from all of my mom friends with their kids having hard times in middle school.  I remember middle school and it was tough.

I would homeschool and join more things than you have been able to the last year for social outlets. 

And I also agree that there isn't a 100% perfect school.  There are always downsides to each one.  

[JFSinIL]

1 hour ago, fraidycat said:

Can you keep 13 at home and send 10 to school?

 

This.  When my four kids were still school age, who home schooled vs who went to public school varied each year, depending on the needs of the kid vs what the local school could offer.  It is not an all or nothing decision.

[Kanin]

I think it's important to consider the emotional/mental/physical needs of the adults in the house, as much as the kids. What would your life feel like with the kids in school all day, or at home all day?

I'm picturing working full or nearly full time, doing housework, running errands, taking care of kids before/after school, etc. That's a lot of work, particularly when your family is still grieving. Adding homeschooling to it, even if you outsource a lot, is a lot to manage. 

I don't have a strong opinion of the benefits of homeschooling vs. the benefits of school. Schools are amazing in many ways. Being at home is, too. So I think I'd just think about what would benefit the adults, too. 

P.S. - Also, as a teacher in public school, I'd like to say that not all of middle school is horrible! There are many wonderful teachers, wonderful kids, and opportunities. Sure there is bad stuff, too, but I think it really depends on a particular school, and a particular group of kids. Sometimes there is just "that class" that's a tough crowd, but just as often, it's good. Middle school can be fun, too 🙂 

[Not_a_Number]

1 hour ago, BaseballandHockey said:

The kids are adamant that they want to be together.  I also think that either kid would be lonely home with an adult who is working.

DS10 has done really well with homeschooling.  His teachers at the end of 3rd described him as “on grade level”.  He did he bare minimum so he could get back to playing.  Now, he is multiple years ahead. I think though that he would be fine anywhere.

My experience is that some teachers have no ability to divine which kids are above grade level. At least, that’s how it worked with DD8 in kindergarten and DH back when he was at school. So I’m not surprised the teacher was off.

About your original question... the thing I always worry about with homeschooling is socializing. Would you be able to cobble together a sufficient social life for them? 

[Terabith]

Everyone says that public school in middle school is terrible, but I will say my youngest kid started public in 7th and had a wonderful experience socially.  Academically, public school was mostly a wash, but her experience was actually way, way better than my oldest, who started in high school.  

[Not_a_Number]

1 minute ago, Terabith said:

Everyone says that public school in middle school is terrible, but I will say my youngest kid started public in 7th and had a wonderful experience socially.  Academically, public school was mostly a wash, but her experience was actually way, way better than my oldest, who started in high school.  

I had a better time in middle school than high school, actually. I know someone locally who sent their youngest to middle school and the kid enjoyed it.

So it all really depends.

[LucyStoner]

1 hour ago, JennyD said:

In your situation, I'd be inclined to send them to public school in the fall and then reevaluate midyear.  It sounds like if it works out, it would be a great option for your family.  But if it doesn't, you can always homeschool.  And at that point you will be more settled in your new job and have a better sense of both your kids' priorities and what you could realistically accomplish at home.   

This would be my advice as well.  Start at school and reevaluate if it’s not working.  It’s easier to make friends at a new school in the fall when other kids are new too vs. starting mid year by necessity.  

[fraidycat]

I want to join the chorus in saying middle school has been good here, too.

[Storygirl]

I have not read all of the responses yet, because I have to head out the door. But I think I would vote for sending them to the public school. It seems like there will be more stability, because the schedule will be predictable for them, instead of having different people home each day. If the 13 year old will likely go to high school in person, it's a good chance to get his feet wet and learn how things go. It's also a good chance for you and the school personnel to evaluate whether he may need some supports for any of the reasons that you list, and have those in place for the beginning of high school.

My kids transferred from a tiny Christian school to a public school. For DS17, it was at the beginning of his 8th grade year. I was really glad that we had that year to work things out before he started high school. His previous school had two students in his class. Just two in all of 7th grade. So it was a big change for him. He has more learning and developmental challenges, and I was really worried, but it worked out well for him, overall.

For those reasons and others that I don't have time to go into at the moment, I suggest giving the public school a chance.

[Carol in Cal.]

DD transitioned to BM school her freshman year in high school.

The year before that, I spent some reflective time thinking about what skills she would need there that she didn’t have already.  And I made some curricular decisions accordingly—no radical shifts, but some tilts.

For instance, I thought that she would benefit from some presentation experience and some team project experience.  Rather than kludging those things into our homeschooling, though, I watched for opportunities to tilt our choices in that direction.  So, for instance, when a junior toastmasters opportunity for homeschoolers popped up, I signed her up, which I normally would not have done.  When a robotics team called for additional team members, I got her involved with that as well, which also gave her some logic of programming exposure that I thought might be helpful.

I’ll bet there are things you could do now to equip your kids better for this transition.  Then you can always make a decision in the moment when you’re closer to the start of the school year, but be in a stronger position for whichever way you choose to go.  Also, I’d plan on continuing the math tutor for your oldest, no matter whether he ends up in school or homeschooling.  

Also, just in general, I think that having just one in school would be the worst.  You would be stuck with the school schedule and lose your homeschooling freedom but still have to do all the work of homeschooling intensively.  

Edited May 5, 2021 by Carol in Cal.

[Miss Tick]

At my local high school there are a couple of classes that can be taken in 8th grade and count for high school credit, the usual math classes, first year of foreign language, health, maybe summer gym before freshman year? It might be worth asking if there is anything like that. If so, it seems like another point in favor of sending them to school in the fall.

[ktgrok]

Can they join middle school clubs and sports if they are homeschooled? Sports in particular. 

What outside classes can they do, and do you have hybrid schools you can afford, etc if they stay home?

This past year, social opportunities for staying home have been terrible. I'm REALLY hoping to be back in field trip groups, etc next year. 

[Catwoman]

1 hour ago, Pamela H in Texas said:

Just here to give support and hugs.  I saw your title and wondered.... just that I'm in a similar situation of deciding this same thing for one of my children.  Its so hard when both school and home really aren't particularly GOOD options (never will either be ideal, I don't think; that's me as a homeschool mom of 24+ years now).  Anyway, I wish you peace in whichever decision you make.

Totally off-topic, but I haven’t seen you here in years, Pamela — welcome back!!!

[Drama Llama]

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Edited May 8, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[RootAnn]

I'm going to join the side that says start them at school & talk to them openly about their option to come home if they want.  I would guard against making it seem like coming home would burden anyone or that the other sibling had to come home if they wanted to. I'd be having weekly conversations or more often with each boy individually on how things are going, too.

I loved my middle school experience with amazing teachers (and a couple of horrible ones) & so much growth opportunity.

I'd do a lot of prep work so the school knew I had one who needs some extra looking after & one who should be challenged.

And, I'd be ready to bring them home at any point if I needed to.

[LucyStoner]

18 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

To be honest, I'm not sure what's best for the adults.  

If we decide to consider homeschooling, we won't make a final decision until right before school starts.  That way we'll have more information.  Since it's our local public school we could decide the day before it starts and they'd have to take them.  

At least for the 13yo you may want to register now so he can pick his electives, foreign language (if applicable) and get the right placements for math etc.  They have to take him at the last minute but at that point, it may be a get what you get situation for classes.  If you decide not to send him, no harm no foul but you would be setting him up for a more successful year.  Obviously this is irrelevant if there are no electives or need for early registration in your district.  In my district, middle schoolers pick their desired electives for the next year in the late winter/early spring. 

Edited May 5, 2021 by LucyStoner

[Storygirl]

I wanted to add one more point. This is the only year that you will have to have both of the boys at the same school, because starting next year, one will be at high school and one in middle school. Because of that, it seems like a good year for the transition to happen, especially because they are adamant that they want to stay together. If you wait another year to try public school, they definitely won't be at the same school, and that seems to make a difference to them.

It was really helpful for my kids to already have a friend group before the first day of high school. I had two who transitioned to public school in 8th grade and one in 7th grade, and our middle school was a positive experience for them socially. Starting high school knowing no one would have been extra intimidating.

Plus, for sporty kids, many team try outs and clinics for the high school teams are held in the spring of 8th grade year. So for those who might play a high school sport, there are advantages to already being connected to the school in 8th grade.

[Storygirl]

4 minutes ago, LucyStoner said:

At least for the 13yo you may want to register now so he can pick his electives, foreign language (if applicable) and get the right placements for math etc.  They have to take him at the last minute but at that point, it may be a get what you get situation for classes.  If you decide not to send him, no harm no foul but you would be setting him up for a more successful year.  Obviously this is irrelevant if there are no electives or need for early registration in your district.  In my district, middle schoolers pick their desired electives for the next year in the last winter/early spring. 

I agree with this. When we entered our public middle school, my kids had to take the electives that still had open spots, which were not necessarily the ones they would have selected otherwise. We registered in June for the fall.

[vonfirmath]

11 minutes ago, LucyStoner said:

At least for the 13yo you may want to register now so he can pick his electives, foreign language (if applicable) and get the right placements for math etc.  They have to take him at the last minute but at that point, it may be a get what you get situation for classes.  If you decide not to send him, no harm no foul but you would be setting him up for a more successful year.  Obviously this is irrelevant if there are no electives or need for early registration in your district.  In my district, middle schoolers pick their desired electives for the next year in the last winter/early spring. 

PLEASE have your middle schooler pick classes. My son was in 8th grade this year and WITH choosing classes ahead of time ended up not being able to take band because his band was the same period as the ONLY English class. I chalked it up to "COVID" And all the uncertainties. But it has definitely complicated going into high school band (next year) as well. So he ended up in Art. Which worked okay. But was not his preference. If he'd had to pick classes at the last moment his choices would have been even more limited. They make up the schedule partly depending on the people in certain classes where there are only one class that does that (so fewer choices)

 

Edited May 5, 2021 by vonfirmath

[Drama Llama]

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Edited May 8, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[Drama Llama]

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Edited May 8, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[LucyStoner]

17 minutes ago, Storygirl said:

I wanted to add one more point. This is the only year that you will have to have both of the boys at the same school, because starting next year, one will be at high school and one in middle school. Because of that, it seems like a good year for the transition to happen, especially because they are adamant that they want to stay together. If you wait another year to try public school, they definitely won't be at the same school, and that seems to make a difference to them.

It was really helpful for my kids to already have a friend group before the first day of high school. I had two who transitioned to public school in 8th grade and one in 7th grade, and our middle school was a positive experience for them socially. Starting high school knowing no one would have been extra intimidating.

Plus, for sporty kids, many team try outs and clinics for the high school teams are held in the spring of 8th grade year. So for those who might play a high school sport, there are advantages to already being connected to the school in 8th grade.

Yes, in hindsight I would have sent my older son to school in 8th grade instead of 9th grade.  A few of my homeschooling friends have done that and it seems to ease the transition to high school quite a lot for long time homeschoolers who are for whatever reason, not planning to homeschool high school (my son had been homeschooled from 2nd-8th grade).  I also would have made one physical activity/non competitive sport a non-negotiable.  

I was really skeptical about middle school for my younger son but it's been going very well.  He started all online but now it's hybrid.  I hope it will be full time in person in the fall.  I would be happy to homeschool him for middle school but his mix of personality and his special needs seem to be best addressed at school.  

Edited May 5, 2021 by LucyStoner

[Drama Llama]

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Edited May 8, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, BaseballandHockey said:

As far as connection, I was thinking of connections to family.  I do worry that the peer group will not be consistent, the way it would at school.

I would give this a TON of thought. If not for the peer group issues, I would absolutely homeschool all the way through high school, because I'm absolutely sure my kids benefit academically. 

But I've found peer groups very challenging to find, and I do think they matter. I probably put in MORE work into finding my kids connections than I do in figuring out their academics. Consistent friends can be hard in the homeschooling context. 

[Drama Llama]

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Edited May 8, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[Drama Llama]

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Edited May 8, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[Not_a_Number]

3 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

I'm pretty sure he wasn't actually above grade level, except perhaps his reading level.  

Their brother went to their school when he was little, and the school had no trouble telling that he was advanced.   

It's not a function of the school. It's a function of the teacher. Also, it's easier with some kids than others -- the kids that are easy are the ones that are really passionate about things and ASK for more work. 

DD8 wasn't like that, either. She just got unengaged and bored. But a teacher who knew what she was doing would have figured out that DD8 was finding the work too easy and experimented a bit. That's what I do with kids who've already mastered material I'm teaching, anyway. 

Anyway, I'd guess your younger DS was finding the work trivial but wasn't begging for more. That doesn't always scan to people as "advanced," but really it is. 

[Drama Llama]

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Edited May 8, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[Drama Llama]

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[Drama Llama]

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[Melissa Louise]

Take the boys out of the equation for a minute - how will it be for you working 4 days a week AND being the primary facilitator of 2 x educations? 

I think that's the most important variable here. 

 

[Drama Llama]

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Edited May 8, 2021 by BaseballandHockey