Lie of omission or truth?

[BlsdMama]

I will generally clear my schedule completely if someone asks - as long as only my family is affected. So, for example, if someone says, “What are you doing Tuesday?” And I have adjustable plans? I clear them. 
 

We have had plans for weeks - plus DD17 choosing a college complete with visits, organizing plant sale plans (planting, growing, comm service project hours) and doing gardening and spring landscaping.   We’re at the end of the school year exhaustion. We are planning a big (100+ people) grad party here on May 15. DD19’s wedding is 6/6 and that has been a scramble to plan. Our bathrooms (two) are getting demo’d the week of May 20th and the remodel begins in earnest. 
 

We are celebrating Easter with my in laws this weekend and that leaves ONE day for DH to finish the floor in the mud room, finish the drywall in the basement bathroom (it has to be finished before we demo the other two) and we’re in the process of putting up a short, decorative, wind-blocking fence. I have 22 yards of mulch on my driveway and about 250-300 plants to repot. We are earnestly busy. A friend texted to see if we’re free this weekend. I love her. I love her husband. I would love to see them. We are feeling so crazy tight on time and projects that have a May 15 deadline. And DH is working 10 hour days as they need more help at work but everything needs done, which leaves him drained at night. 
 

It’s honest to say I’m so sorry, but we are swamped this weekend with commitments, right? I have never in my life not just said, “We’re free. Stop by.” It feels really uncomfortable but I also know DH is right - we just have to get some of this done this weekend and the family thing is immovable. 

[Amethyst]

Wow. That’s a lot! You are swamped. You have deadlines. It’s ok to not say yes this time.

[Sdel]

Any chance they’d want to come help with the work?

[gardenmom5]

11 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

  I love her. I love her husband. I would love to see them. 

It’s honest to say I’m so sorry, but we are swamped this weekend with commitments, right? I have never in my life not just said, “We’re free. Stop by.” It feels really uncomfortable but I also know DH is right - we just have to get some of this done this weekend and the family thing is immovable. 

Tell her you love her, you'd love to see her but you're swamped.  do not feel guilty.  You could also add she's welcome to come help you repot 250 plants.  And if she comes - she'd better plan on working!   (we have friends with whom we could say that.)

 

you'd have to know if she's the type that would actually help, or the type who'd say she would help - but wouldn't.

Edited April 17, 2021 by gardenmom5

[JustEm]

I would actually go so far as to say it is dishonest to say "we're free, stop by."  

[fairfarmhand]

But...

you’re not free.

So tell her the truth. 

Edited April 17, 2021 by fairfarmhand

[PeterPan]

Is there some imperativeness to the visit and why it can't wait till after 5/15?

[BlsdMama]

5 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

Is there some imperativeness to the visit and why it can't wait till after 5/15?

No, not at all.  It's a high school friend that I'd kept in vague touch with over the years.  However, when I got diagnosed, she has gone out of her way to stop in, say hi, visit more.  It's incredibly sweet and thoughtful - thus I know she's going out of her way to be sweet, so I feel extra ogre-ish to not MAKE the time/space.  Sigh.  But truly, I have no idea how to get the things done that need done in the next month and not have it be crazy.  We need to use the next few weekends.

[PeterPan]

2 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

However, when I got diagnosed, she has gone out of her way to stop in, say hi, visit more. 

Then I'd be honest. You've got one hour before 5/15 or an afternoon if she waits. You might need a little break. Maybe it's a sign. :) You just don't have all day, lol. Maybe a phone chat now for an hour some evening? Is it relaxing and reframing to talk with her? Even people in the middle of projects need breaks.

[Garga]

It’s not a lie of omission. I have plenty of friends that will say, “Oh, this weekend won’t work. We simply HAVE to clean out the X.” And I’m 100% ok with that. Everyone knows that sometimes work around the house just has to be done. 

I doubt she’ll even bat an eye. 

It feels weird to you because you haven’t done this before, but to most people, it’s normal to say you’re busy with projects that must be done and will have to socialize later.

[Arctic Bunny]

It’s okay to say you’re busy. I’d hate for you to tell me you’re free, then find out/feel like I’m keeping you from important things! And if she says, “Anything I can help with?” then let her know to bring her work clothes and gloves. Because I would absolutely pitch in if I had the time.

[HS Mom in NC]

You're swamped.  Saying you're swamped is true.  Tell her you're swamped.

Later (like after daughter is married later) when you have time you should consider why it is you're so uncomfortable with this and address it.

[Carrie12345]

7 hours ago, Garga said:

 

It feels weird to you because you haven’t done this before, but to most people, it’s normal to say you’re busy with projects that must be done and will have to socialize later.

This.  There is absolutely no reason to feel guilty for having things to do that take priority over hanging out with a nice old friend. It’s a very, very normal thing to happen. There’s nothing bad about taking care of the commitments on your plate, so there’s no reason to lie about it. A person isn’t going to be offended that your life doesn’t revolve around them. They might be offended if they find out they were lied to.

[ktgrok]

8 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

But...

you’re not free.

So tell her the truth. 

In fact, saying you are free would be dishonest. 

8 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

No, not at all.  It's a high school friend that I'd kept in vague touch with over the years.  However, when I got diagnosed, she has gone out of her way to stop in, say hi, visit more.  It's incredibly sweet and thoughtful - thus I know she's going out of her way to be sweet, so I feel extra ogre-ish to not MAKE the time/space.  Sigh.  But truly, I have no idea how to get the things done that need done in the next month and not have it be crazy.  We need to use the next few weekends.

Ok, if she is that sweet, think how badly she'd feel if you dropped things so she could visit, and then she found out she made your life MORE stressful because now you were even more swamped/rushed! If she's trying to be nice, surely she would not want you to make your life and your husband's life more difficult. 

[LuvToRead]

I am confused about what the lie is.  Plan are plans.  It doesn't matter what they are.  If I have plans to lay around the house all day and read and someone calls and asks if I'm busy, it's not a lie to say "I already have plans".  It's absolutely true. 

[regentrude]

Agreeing with everyone: you have plans. That is neither an omission nor a lie. You're under no obligation to overthrow what you had planned on doing. Even if your plans had just been watching a movie.

But if she's a great friend and you really want to see her,  why not ask her to come and hang out while you're working on the plants together? That would fun. ( I often work with my friend in her gardens and that's always wonderful)

Edited April 17, 2021 by regentrude

[marbel]

Just agreeing with everyone else. You are busy with commitments.  The fact that there is not a specific events, like a graduation or wedding or college visit on the specific day/time of the proposed visit does not mean you are not committed in how you can use that time.  The end. 

And while I like the idea of seeing if she'd like to come help, or hang out while you work, be careful.  I have had that backfire on me, when the person's expectations did not match the reality of what I was doing, and it really hindered me in getting stuff done.  

[cintinative]

Maybe this is wrong, but if your friend really wants to just see you, I would not feel strange (given your health situation and that life will only get more complicated) in inviting her to work with you. "Hey, I would love to see you, but we have some really big home projects we absolutely must tackle. Would you like to come work alongside me and we can chat then? We just can't step away from this right now."

I guess you need to know the person, if she is the type of person who wouldn't mind rolling up her sleeves and working or if she would just rather not. If she is the latter, I would just tell her that you can't step away from your current projects.

 

 

[Janeway]

12 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

I will generally clear my schedule completely if someone asks - as long as only my family is affected. So, for example, if someone says, “What are you doing Tuesday?” And I have adjustable plans? I clear them. 
 

We have had plans for weeks - plus DD17 choosing a college complete with visits, organizing plant sale plans (planting, growing, comm service project hours) and doing gardening and spring landscaping.   We’re at the end of the school year exhaustion. We are planning a big (100+ people) grad party here on May 15. DD19’s wedding is 6/6 and that has been a scramble to plan. Our bathrooms (two) are getting demo’d the week of May 20th and the remodel begins in earnest. 
 

We are celebrating Easter with my in laws this weekend and that leaves ONE day for DH to finish the floor in the mud room, finish the drywall in the basement bathroom (it has to be finished before we demo the other two) and we’re in the process of putting up a short, decorative, wind-blocking fence. I have 22 yards of mulch on my driveway and about 250-300 plants to repot. We are earnestly busy. A friend texted to see if we’re free this weekend. I love her. I love her husband. I would love to see them. We are feeling so crazy tight on time and projects that have a May 15 deadline. And DH is working 10 hour days as they need more help at work but everything needs done, which leaves him drained at night. 
 

It’s honest to say I’m so sorry, but we are swamped this weekend with commitments, right? I have never in my life not just said, “We’re free. Stop by.” It feels really uncomfortable but I also know DH is right - we just have to get some of this done this weekend and the family thing is immovable. 

if you can see her at another time, then I would tell her not this weekend but you would love to see them soon, on a different weekend. IF they are from long ways away and this is the only chance to see them in a while, then I would clear my schedule and deal with the mudroom on a different day.

[catz]

I've told people I'm not available for much less LOL.  Feel ZERO guilt.  

[KungFuPanda]

  "We'd love to see you, but we are booked solid until X date.  I'm sorry to miss you but hope we can meet next time."

 

Even if you aren't doing ANYTHING, you can say you have plans if your plan is to be home alone with your family.  It's healthy to have boundaries with your time and energy.  Nobody you want to spend time with would get mad that you can't drop everything on a whim for them. 

[ktgrok]

Also remember, we are to treat others as we would have them treat us. Not BETTER than we would have them treat us 🙂

I mean, if she were the one slammed, would you want her to cause her and her family more stress to accomodate you visiting her? I bet not.