Update 6/26 How would you handle this? Or am I the crazy one?

[Scarlett]

My bio dad died feb 14.  He had only one other child, my younger sister. She and I are quite close no thanks to him....he tried to keep us apart and denied me up until the last few years of his life.  I believe and my sister agrees he did not want to admit he knew he was my father because he did not want to pay child support.  Not that my mother ever asked for a dime but I know he feared that.  
 

His home in the Houston area....it is on the water, but I honestly have no idea how much it is worth.  But he left it to my sister, allowing for his wife of 35 years to live there until her death.  My sister, 2 or 3 times has gone on and on about this.....how she believes our step mother can’t afford to keep living there and if she wants to sell it and move she will tell our step mother ‘sure it is your house’.  And my sister says to me repeatedly how honestly it should have been left to our step mother.  
 

It is really starting to bug me.  It is as she is not even acknowledging that I am the child that he never cared for in any way.  I can’t even believe she is acting so clueless about this.  She has always been so determined that I am her sister, our fathers daughter etc. she made sure I was in the obituary. After he died she found lots of pictures and he kept the ones of me from when he first met me when I was a teen.  
 

I am feeling......resentful.  And I want words to say to her if it presents itself.  

Edited June 26, 2021 by Scarlett

[bolt.]

What do you resent about the situation? Can you wrap some words around that feeling specifically?

Edited April 13, 2021 by bolt.

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, bolt. said:

What do you resent about the situation? Can you wrap some words around that feeling specifically?

That she isn’t even thinking that maybe, no definitely, I  should have been included in a will.  

[bolt.]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

That she isn’t even thinking that maybe, no definitely, I  should have been included in a will.  

Okay, I can see that. But I can also see why she can't see that.

A will is a will.

He could have left it all to his dog, and everyone would still have to respect his wishes and live with the outcome. I imagine, if she had any thoughts about what he 'should have' done with his money -- that that ship sailed when it was legally determined what he *did* do with his money.

I don't think respecting the done-deal of an old man's last wishes should reflect on her, or impact your relationship with her. Maybe just mention to her that the house is a 'sore point' for you, and you'd rather she didn't talk about it with you, so you can put it behind you.

[Kassia]

I'm sorry about the whole situation.  I don't think I would say anything at all but I do like @bolt. 's idea about mentioning the house is a sore point for you and you'd prefer not to talk about it.  I'd be okay about the will part since as bolt. said, it's his wishes but I wouldn't want to hear about it frequently either.  

 

Big hugs to you - you've had a lot of emotional stuff going on.  

 

[Tanaqui]

This death is still a bit new to both of you, and people get weird about deaths.

I'd just say, honestly, "Sis, I can't talk about the house with you any more. It's just too upsetting." If she pushes, then you could say "It reminds me that he didn't leave me anything. I don't mind that you and your mom got everything, but I don't want to talk about it with you anymore."

And then change the subject every time it comes up.

[math teacher]

((Scarlett)), this would bother me as well. I can see why you would resent that. I hope that you and your sister continue to have a close relationship.

[Noreen Claire]

It sounds to me like she's trying to talk about it in a way that makes it sound like she doesn't want/need the house from him. Like she *knows* that this is probably a sore spot for you, but she might not know how to deal with it with you, so if she shows you that she is willing to just give it away, that you won't be mad at her for it? (I'm spitballing here.)

[Tap]

It sounds like she feels the wife deserves the house. A wife of 35 years (so very, not a newlywed ). Why is that so offensive?

I'm kinda stunned that he didn't leave the house to the wife in the first place. The denial of the wife's inheritance is offensive to me.  Sounds like a common theme with him. 

Sorry to hear of your loss. 

[Katy]

Doesn’t the state they’re in have laws about this?  Why wasn’t it half the wife’s to begin with?

ETA:  You have every right to be frustrated.
 

Personally I didn’t do anything about forcing my stepmother to execute my dad’s will. I didn’t feel it was the right thing to do. And at least in some states if they’ve been married that long it would no longer be up to him. He would only be able to will half the house to anyone.  

Edited April 13, 2021 by Katy
Autocorrect

[Scarlett]

8 minutes ago, Tap said:

It sounds like she feels the wife deserves the house. A wife of 35 years (so very, not a newlywed ). Why is that so offensive?

I'm kinda stunned that he didn't leave the house to the wife in the first place. The denial of the wife's inheritance is offensive to me.  Sounds like a common theme with him. 

Sorry to hear of your loss. 

I agree.  I have no problem the house being left to her.  But he did not do that.  He left it to one of his daughters.  And not to the one he never provided one dime of support to.  

[Scarlett]

7 minutes ago, Katy said:

Doesn’t the state they’re in have laws about this?  Why wasn’t it half the wife’s to begin with?

ETA:  You have every right to be frustrated.
 

Personally I didn’t do anything about forcing my stepmother to execute my dad’s will. I didn’t feel it was the right thing to do. And at least in some states if they’ve been married that long it would no longer be up to him. He would only be able to will half the house to anyone.  

I don’t know what you are saying here. He had the house before  marriage to our step other. I assume that is how he was able to exclude her.  

[Scarlett]

22 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

This death is still a bit new to both of you, and people get weird about deaths.

I'd just say, honestly, "Sis, I can't talk about the house with you any more. It's just too upsetting." If she pushes, then you could say "It reminds me that he didn't leave me anything. I don't mind that you and your mom got everything, but I don't want to talk about it with you anymore."

And then change the subject every time it comes up.

I think this is a good idea....but ftr, the wife is the step mom to both of us.  My sisters mom and our dad divorced when my sister was a baby.  And he had custody of her.  

[ktgrok]

18 minutes ago, Noreen Claire said:

It sounds to me like she's trying to talk about it in a way that makes it sound like she doesn't want/need the house from him. Like she *knows* that this is probably a sore spot for you, but she might not know how to deal with it with you, so if she shows you that she is willing to just give it away, that you won't be mad at her for it? (I'm spitballing here.)

I think this as well. Like, she feels awkward that it was left to her, so her answer to that is to say it should have been left to step mother. If it had been, that would alleviate any favoritism between you and her. 

[Garga]

24 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

This death is still a bit new to both of you, and people get weird about deaths.

I'd just say, honestly, "Sis, I can't talk about the house with you any more. It's just too upsetting." If she pushes, then you could say "It reminds me that he didn't leave me anything. I don't mind that you and your mom got everything, but I don't want to talk about it with you anymore."

And then change the subject every time it comes up.

I think this is the way to handle it as well.  But switch out the “your mom” wording since it wasn’t her mom. 

It’s ok to quietly say, “It hurts that he didn’t leave me anything.” I think your sister would understand that wording and will probably realize she was being a bit tone deaf by talking about it with you.

[Garga]

1 minute ago, ktgrok said:

I think this as well. Like, she feels awkward that it was left to her, so her answer to that is to say it should have been left to step mother. If it had been, that would alleviate any favoritism between you and her. 

Yes, that could be the case. 

So, Scarlett, I’d just quietly let it be known that it’s not her fault that he left the house to her, but that it’s a painful reminder whenever it comes up in conversation that he never cared for you properly.

[Tap]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

I agree.  I have no problem the house being left to her.  But he did not do that.  He left it to one of his daughters.  And not to the one he never provided one dime of support to.  

I don't know why you would expect that to change now? He didn't treat you like a daughter when he was alive. I wouldn't expect him to change immediately before he died....and to have the thought to change his will in the process.

My relationship with my mom is very distant. She told me that she purposefully raised me to be more independent than my siblings. It worked. LOL. I don't expect that to change on her death bed. (She has been sent home with a referral to hospice which she declined). She told me recently, that she left the house and the contents to my 4 siblings. Not in a snide way. Just a matter of fact proclamation. Some as payment for caring for her, and the other part to some siblings that need the money. It doesn't surprise me or disappoint me. I didn't care for her over the years when she needed help. Nor have I been in her life like my siblings have. I haven't shared hopes, dreams or even meals with her since I moved out of the house at 18. 

It sounds like you are hurt by his actions, and I am sorry for you to feel that way. But really, it sounds like he just stayed true to who he was. 

[Moonhawk]

I think this would bother me not because of the house, but because he didn't acknowledge her in the will at all. No mention on the last chance for him to do so. I wouldn't care that this particular house doesn't go to me, or that it goes to my sister, but that *nothing* was mentioned or left to me.

So I wouldn't make it about not talking about the house. You could just say that talking about the will and his final wishes is difficult because you weren't included. I'm sure she'll understand. 

She's probably trying to make it "I don't want it either" so that you are being treated equally. But she isn't the one who was doing the unequal treatment in the first place, so while well-intentioned it doesn't really carry through well.

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, Tap said:

I don't know why you would expect that to change now? He didn't treat you like a daughter when he was alive. I wouldn't expect him to change immediately before he died....and to have the thought to change his will in the process.

My relationship with my mom is very distant. She told me that she purposefully raised me to be more independent than my siblings. It worked. LOL. I don't expect that to change on her death bed. (She has been sent home with a referral to hospice which she declined). She told me recently, that she left the house and the contents to my 4 siblings. Not in a snide way. Just a matter of fact proclamation. Some as payment for caring for her, and the other part to some siblings that need the money. It doesn't surprise me or disappoint me. I didn't care for her over the years when she needed help. Nor have I been in her life like my siblings have. I haven't shared hopes, dreams or even meals with her since I moved out of the house at 18. 

It sounds like you are hurt by his actions, and I am sorry for you to feel that way. But really, it sounds like he just stayed true to who he was. 

I did not expect it.  And yet it still hurts to be excluded all the way up to his death.  More than that it hurts me that my sister can’t ‘see’ that.  

[marbel]

I get it Scarlett. It's just the hurt all over again. No advice, just hugs to you.

[ktgrok]

Just now, Scarlett said:

I did not expect it.  And yet it still hurts to be excluded all the way up to his death.  More than that it hurts me that my sister can’t ‘see’ that.  

I really think it sounds like she does see that, and is just being awkward in how she handles it. Sounds like she is trying to push to you the idea that she won't profit off of it anyway, likely, because step mom may sell it and use the profits to move elsewhere. In her head that makes it better and more fair, since she wont' profit from it either. That doesn't make you feel better, but I bet money that is her intent. 

[lauraw4321]

1 minute ago, ktgrok said:

I really think it sounds like she does see that, and is just being awkward in how she handles it. Sounds like she is trying to push to you the idea that she won't profit off of it anyway, likely, because step mom may sell it and use the profits to move elsewhere. In her head that makes it better and more fair, since she wont' profit from it either. That doesn't make you feel better, but I bet money that is her intent. 

I agree with KT here. I think this is what she’s trying to do. 

[Annie G]

I think it hurts because not including you in the will feels like it means he didn’t love you. And that rejection hurts at any age, and especially now when you can;t have a conversation with him to resolve how it makes you feel. That’s a reasonable thing to share with your sister. It’s not like you’re mad at her for inheriting it or doing what she wants with it, just that you don’t really want to talk about it because it reminds you that you’ve been excluded.

Firsthand experience here, so I think I might understand how you feel...it’s complicated!

[Scarlett]

So I just looked at it on realtor.com.  Roughly $350k. 

[Tap]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

So I just looked at it on realtor.com.  Roughly $350k. 

I'm sure this isn't what you are intending. Posting this, makes it look like you are just after the money.

 

[ktgrok]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

So I just looked at it on realtor.com.  Roughly $350k. 

So your sister should what, kick your step mom to the curb and sell it and give you half the profits while a widow is left to fend for herself?

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Tap said:

I'm sure this isn't what you are intending. Posting this, makes it look like you are just after the money.

 

Lol, whatever.  I posted earlier I had no idea what it is worth.  That made me curious, so I looked.  

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, ktgrok said:

So your sister should what, kick your step mom to the curb and sell it and give you half the profits while a widow is left to fend for herself?

Really? Is that what you got from that? 

[Tap]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

Lol, whatever.  I posted earlier I had no idea what it is worth.  That made me curious, so I looked.  

and posted it. Which puts a price tag on your hurt feelings.

[Scarlett]

Your reactions are why I posted here......I don’t want to express my resentment to my sister and have her think I am just concerned about money.  

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Tap said:

and posted it. Which puts a price tag on your hurt feelings.

I thought it gave it context, but ok, if you want to call it a price tag we can do that.  

[ktgrok]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Really? Is that what you got from that? 

Sort of. Which was confusing, lol. 

I mean, I am not sure what you want from your sister. If it was something left just to her, without a stipulation on it, she could split it with you. But with the step mom living there, it's out of her hands, and so she likely has no idea what to do or say. 

If you know what you want from her, tell her. Even if that means, "I need to know you get how left out I feel". Or if you don't know what you want, then you can't expect her to know either. It does suck, but it is your father I think who deserves the anger, not your sister. She's muddling through. 

[Scarlett]

Another thing she was going on and on about,,,,,she was saying if our stepmom wants to sell it that she would not want her to give the money to her daughter ( our step sister) when she died.  

[Katy]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Your reactions are why I posted here......I don’t want to express my resentment to my sister and have her think I am just concerned about money.  

It’s perfectly fine to say, “Can we please stop talking about the house? Every time I think about it twists a knife that he didn’t treat me right.”

[Tap]

Just now, Scarlett said:

Another thing she was going on and on about,,,,,she was saying if our stepmom wants to sell it that she would not want her to give the money to her daughter ( our step sister) when she died.  

Sounds like your sister needs an estate attorney to handle the legal options in regards to the house. 

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, ktgrok said:

Sort of. Which was confusing, lol. 

I mean, I am not sure what you want from your sister. If it was something left just to her, without a stipulation on it, she could split it with you. But with the step mom living there, it's out of her hands, and so she likely has no idea what to do or say. 

If you know what you want from her, tell her. Even if that means, "I need to know you get how left out I feel". Or if you don't know what you want, then you can't expect her to know either. It does suck, but it is your father I think who deserves the anger, not your sister. She's muddling through. 

Oh I agree he is the one who deserves the anger.  But I don’t feel much anger.  Just sad.  Resentful maybe.  And she did stand up to him about me at significant emotional,risk to herself.  

[Scarlett]

Just now, Tap said:

Sounds like your sister needs an estate attorney to handle the legal options in regards to the house. 

I doubt it. There is a will.  My sister has to decide if she abides by the will or just turns it all over to our step mom.  She knows if she turns it over to our step mom she likely will get nothing when our step mom dies.  

[Katy]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

Another thing she was going on and on about,,,,,she was saying if our stepmom wants to sell it that she would not want her to give the money to her daughter ( our step sister) when she died.  

If they didn’t have a prenup, in at least 2 of the states I’ve lived in the wife would have every right to contest that will and 50 or 100% of the house would go to her. I think in Florida it would be put in a trust for her until she died and then 50% of the money would go to her kid(s) and 50% to his.  Or at least that’s the way it was explained to me when my dad died. 

You have a right to contest the will.  I’m just not sure it’s worth it to do so. 

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Katy said:

If they didn’t have a prenup, in at least 2 of the states I’ve lived in the wife would have every right to contest that will and 50 or 100% of the house would go to her. I think in Florida it would be put in a trust for her until she died and then 50% of the money would go to her kid(s) and 50% to his.  Or at least that’s the way it was explained to me when my dad died. 

You have a right to contest the will.  I’m just not sure it’s worth it to do so. 

Lol....weirdly just hearing someone say ‘you have a right’’ made me feel better.  Of course it isn’t ‘worth it’.  I love my sister.  

[SKL]

I would agree with saying (the next time the house comes up in conversation):  "I would rather not talk about the house.  It reminds me that our father didn't even mention me in his will."  Then she knows.  If she was previously completely clueless, now she has a clue.  If she was previously awkwardly trying to smooth things over, now she knows that isn't what you need.  It also does not blame anyone except the guilty party, nor does it look like any kind of greed.

[Selkie]

15 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I doubt it. There is a will.  My sister has to decide if she abides by the will or just turns it all over to our step mom.  She knows if she turns it over to our step mom she likely will get nothing when our step mom dies.  

So has your sister actually accepted the house? Or she hasn’t accepted it and is thinking of refusing it? If she refuses it, she doesn’t have any say in who it goes to. I believe that depends on state laws and the other beneficiaries that are named in the will.

[Scarlett]

Just now, Selkie said:

So has your sister actually accepted the house? Or she hasn’t accepted it and is thinking of refusing it? If she refuses it, she doesn’t have any say in who it goes to. I believe that depends on state laws and the other beneficiaries that are named in the will.

The will says our step mom gets to stay in the house. Until she dies or moves then the house becomes my sisters.  

[Annie G]

22 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

The will says our step mom gets to stay in the house. Until she dies or moves then the house becomes my sisters.  

That could get sticky. Your sister has to pay the taxes, insurance, and upkeep, presumably. I mean, it’s her house. But that could cost her thousands a year, and maybe she doesn’t have the extra cash to do that.  Kind of a tricky gift, unless he also left a cash fund to cover some of those expenses.   

[Shoeless]

1 hour ago, Tap said:

I don't know why you would expect that to change now? He didn't treat you like a daughter when he was alive. I wouldn't expect him to change immediately before he died....and to have the thought to change his will in the process.

It's not that one expects it to change; it's that one hopes it will change. 

Scarlett, I understand a bit of what you are feeling. My stepmother did not want me to receive any inheritance from my dad, because she felt they'd "done their duty" by paying child support and they really didn't owe me anything. My dad wanted to split it evenly between me and my 2 half-siblings. The compromise was that my 2 half-siblings would receive 5/6 of the estate and my son and I would receive 1/6.  Even after my stepmother died, dad still wanted to hold to this arrangement out of loyalty to stepmother. My half-sisters approached him about splitting everything evenly, and he said "I have to think about that". 

That stung. Like, you have to think about treating your 3 children equally? What kind of crap is that?  

I'm sorry you are in this situation, Scarlett. It's a crummy one. 

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

It's not that one expects it to change; it's that one hopes it will change. 

Scarlett, I understand a bit of what you are feeling. My stepmother did not want me to receive any inheritance from my dad, because she felt they'd "done their duty" by paying child support and they really didn't owe me anything. My dad wanted to split it evenly between me and my 2 half-siblings. The compromise was that my 2 half-siblings would receive 5/6 of the estate and my son and I would receive 1/6.  Even after my stepmother died, dad still wanted to hold to this arrangement out of loyalty to stepmother. My half-sisters approached him about splitting everything evenly, and he said "I have to think about that". 

That stung. Like, you have to think about treating your 3 children equally? What kind of crap is that?  

I'm sorry you are in this situation, Scarlett. It's a crummy one. 

I am just....gobsmacked.  She didn’t think you deserved equal share because they paid cs.  Did they not also,’support’ your two half sisters?   Yes it is a crummy situation.....yours was too.  I am sorry.  

[Scarlett]

23 minutes ago, Annie G said:

That could get sticky. Your sister has to pay the taxes, insurance, and upkeep, presumably. I mean, it’s her house. But that could cost her thousands a year, and maybe she doesn’t have the extra cash to do that.  Kind of a tricky gift, unless he also left a cash fund to cover some of those expenses.   

She mentioned she did not think our stepmother could afford to stay in the house.  I assumed from that step mom has to pay the taxes while she lives there.  Oh and there is no insurance on it.  If that tells you anything.  

[Shoeless]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I am just....gobsmacked.  She didn’t think you deserved equal share because they paid cs.  Did they not also,’support’ your two half sisters?   Yes it is a crummy situation.....yours was too.  I am sorry.  

It was different in her mind, because those were their children. I'm the child of the first marriage, not her child. In her mind, this made it perfectly fair. She'd known me since I was 3, btw.   

She was a mean old cow to me, and left a snotty letter after her death saying that while I am a person that deserves love, certainly now that I was a mother, I could understand why she didn't love me as much as my half-siblings.  Who does that?!  One of the last things you do before you die is to let someone know how you loved other people more than them?! That's where you put your last bit of energy?!  I feel fairly certain that my final thoughts and actions are *not* going to be centered on people I dislike, lol.  But I guess that's not how she rolled. 🙄   

I can laugh about it now, because it's just so absurd. She was so awful, lol.  

[KungFuPanda]

This is a subject I'd drop with the sister.  If she goes on and on about it, I'd tell her it was a sore spot and to please stop.  This man was a disappointment to you in life and death.  He pretty much left the house to his wife, but micromanaged who SHE was allowed to leave it to upon her death.  There is no fantasy scenario where the sister will say "We should split the house equally since we're both his daughters."  It's never going to happen.  You have to let go of this man entirely.  The only thing he's going to leave you is a sister.  Accept HER for the gift she is and let go of all of the material stuff.

[Scarlett]

13 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

It was different in her mind, because those were their children. I'm the child of the first marriage, not her child. In her mind, this made it perfectly fair. She'd known me since I was 3, btw.   

She was a mean old cow to me, and left a snotty letter after her death saying that while I am a person that deserves love, certainly now that I was a mother, I could understand why she didn't love me as much as my half-siblings.  Who does that?!  One of the last things you do before you die is to let someone know how you loved other people more than them?! That's where you put your last bit of energy?!  I feel fairly certain that my final thoughts and actions are *not* going to be centered on people I dislike, lol.  But I guess that's not how she rolled. 🙄   

I can laugh about it now, because it's just so absurd. She was so awful, lol.  

Really that is all you can do with someone that mean......laugh. 

[Scarlett]

7 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

This is a subject I'd drop with the sister.  If she goes on and on about it, I'd tell her it was a sore spot and to please stop.  This man was a disappointment to you in life and death.  He pretty much left the house to his wife, but micromanaged who SHE was allowed to leave it to upon her death.  There is no fantasy scenario where the sister will say "We should split the house equally since we're both his daughters."  It's never going to happen.  You have to let go of this man entirely.  The only thing he's going to leave you is a sister.  Accept HER for the gift she is and let go of all of the material stuff.

To be clear I haven’t brought it up one time.  Ever.