Help me settle my mind, please - Update in post 20.4.22

[Laura Corin]

Update in post 20.4.22

 

I have a complex relationship with my mother.  There's no terrible neglect or abuse in our history - she's just a bit manipulative and selfish.  She thinks I'm a hard career woman.  I've had therapy and I think I don't need more at present - I honestly rarely think about her or our relationship.

For the past year, due to Covid, I have rarely been able to visit her in her care home.  She is now fully vaccinated, I'm partially vaccinated, and with testing each time I am allowed to visit once a week (masked).   I have two brothers who live far away and come to see her once or twice a year; I took on being her main care-contact willingly.

So.  Now I'm going to be visiting her again.  She's very fit for her 96 years and I can see her living well past her century.  Honestly, I would rather not go, but I'm definitely not going to stop - my self-image requires me to do this duty.  ETA: conversation is usually okay - so it's not the content of the visit but instead having to visit at all where I need help.  I just need to find a way to frame it so that I do it willingly and (if possible) joyfully.  So far, my thoughts are:

- visit her in the evenings after work so that my weekend remains free

- if it has to be at weekends, combine the visit with something fun: walking or running somewhere different, for example

- other ideas (not religious, please)?

I know that this doesn't put me in the best light, so please be gentle if you've go through all this.

Edited April 20, 2022 by Laura Corin

[PeterPan]

Is she at all interesting so that you have anything to talk about? I mean, seems to me the only real motivation to see someone is you have something you want to talk about or do. All the rest is rewards, putting up with. If you were a different person and didn't have this past and water under the bridge, how would you interact with her or see her?

If you did not visit her, would she be happy? Does she enjoy where she is and find it socially fulfilling? When you visit her, does it cheer her up?

Does she have any pursuits like playing cards or doing puzzles so you'd have something to do together?

[Ausmumof3]

7 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

I know that this doesn't put me in the best light, so please be gentle if you've go through all this.

I don’t think that’s true.  Choosing to make that effort even when it’s not easy or pleasurable is a big thing. 
 
I don’t have any experience but I like both the ideas you have.  Does she like reading?  Maybe you could read something together so there’s less time for conversation if that’s likely to create tension.

[PeterPan]

9 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

She thinks I'm a hard career woman.

I'm just curious. Are you or is that kind of hardening of the arteries on her part?? LOL I mean, you homeschooled, lol. Where is that coming from?

[PeterPan]

Fwiw, when I visit my dad in assisted living, I usually end up cleaning his apartment for two hours and then problem solving. We don't seem to get actual social visits. But I've gotten puzzles and if it weren't so imperative to work when we're there, that's what we'd do, sit and do a puzzle together. They make 300 large piece puzzles that he can do with assistance. He likes to play cards. He likes to talk the news. I take him plants, which he can water with ice cubes from the dispenser. He likes to look at pictures together. Sometimes I bring him a cake.

In the US we have a tablet app called Claris Companion that modifies an android tablet to make it senior friendly. https://www.clariscompanion.com  With that he can receive pictures, video chat, etc. 

Edited April 9, 2021 by PeterPan

[marbel]

First off, I agree with Ausmum. I don't think there's anything wrong in your thinking. Visiting elderly family members can be difficult for a lot of reasons. I have known people who just stopped visiting altogether.  (One woman I knew told her mother she was moving away, even though she wasn't, and could never visit again, and that was that.)

I was wondering if it is important to go once per week?  Would every 2 weeks do? Obviously if your mother is lonely and looks forward to/needs your visits, then that's that. But if I recall correctly from past posts, your mother is very shy/introverted, am I right? Maybe she does not require or even want weekly visits? 

Can she and does she like to go out? A short walk, or a drive in the country, or a visit to a tearoom might make the visit more pleasant?  Or, as you suggested, maybe having something nice to do on your own on the way to or from would make it easier. For me, that would be a stop at a coffee shop to have something to drink/eat and read. Or a walk would be good. 

When my kids were teens and we did the obligatory visits to my in-laws, we would always plan something fun to do on the way home, after the visit was over. Something to look forward to after we had done our duty.

Hugs to you. I know it's hard and I can't imagine anyone thinking less of you for expressing it.

 

Edited April 9, 2021 by marbel

[Serenade]

28 minutes ago, Ausmumof3 said:

I don’t think that’s true.  Choosing to make that effort even when it’s not easy or pleasurable is a big thing. 
 

Yes.  I love my mom, and I would say we have a good relationship, but sometimes it is difficult to visit or even to talk.  So much of the talk is about health -- her health, her neighbor's health, and then other things that are problems. Every once in a while we have a really nice conversation that I enjoy, and that is what I look forward to.  The rest of the time I try to do my duty without resentment.  I am in a phase of life right now where it is difficult to give up an hour or two, but I am hoping that next year I can do this more freely. 

[Katy]

I seriously doubt anyone who has ever been in a similar situation would think negatively of you. 

I guess I would just try and focus on her.  What does she like that’s interesting to you? Is there something you could talk about that would make her happy?  Could you look at pictures together and ask her about them? Could she write out a (short) autobiography so her grandchildren could get to know her better?  My DH’s grandmother did that & it was amazing. 

I wonder if she thinks you don’t approve of her either. 

[PeterPan]

5 minutes ago, marbel said:

For me, that would be a stop at a coffee shop to have something to drink/eat and read.

Also routine could help. So you stop at the shop and pick up a treat that you take her. Even if she only eats half, it gives you something to talk about. Or you stop at a book store and pick her up a paperback or a magazine. My grandma read avidly until the dementia kicked in too much. But at least it's a pretext, why you're there, what you're planning to do. 

43 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

visit her in the evenings after work so that my weekend remains free

Fwiw this is what my mother did for her mother, and I think it's fine. I don't think the visits have to be *long* to be worth something. Does she get tired in the evening? Too late might not be good. But it's fine to show up, visit 15 minutes. It's unfortunate, but people who get regular visits from family sometimes get better care because they know the family will notice. You can even consider it just a safety check if you don't really view it as social.

[bibiche]

Could you read a book aloud together? Do a puzzle? Ask her questions about her life (I’ve seen some commercial sets with questions for grandchildren to ask grandparents. These are formulaic, but maybe that would make it easier and you’d learn things you wouldn’t learn if you asked your own questions. It might also make it less awkward to have someone else’s list of questions)? Does she knit or crochet or paint or write? If so, could you work on a project together? 

[KeriJ]

No advice here, just understanding.

[Bambam]

I would make a list of things I enjoy doing that take 1-2 hours - be it hiking, going to a museum, going to an art gallery, just driving along a favorite road, stopping to get a small treat that I usually don't, or sitting at an outdoor cafe and sipping tea/watching people, whatever. 
I would make a list of conversational topics (what was school like when you were a kid? Who were your close friends when you were a child? What did you think of Churchill? things like this that aren't really personal to you)

On the frequency I decided to visit (and I would visit the same time/same day - as much as practical anyway), I would select a couple of those conversational topics and one activity to do afterward.  Switch up next time. 

If I had flowers in my yard, I might take a couple to her each time I could leave something with her. Or take her a muffin that I made for my own mid-morning snack.  Of course, all this assume no allergies and it fits with any diet restrictions. 

If I had a box of old photos, I might take some along on a semi-regular basis to ask questions about those - assuming this would not be distressing to either of you. 

Edited April 9, 2021 by Bambam

[mommyoffive]

I don't think negatively about you in this situation at all.  I understand. 

 

I like having other people with me when I have to do visits with difficult family.  Buffers. 

Or can you do group things at her care center?  Come and go to a party or class with her.  

Oh and then treat yourself after the visit. 

 

Gentle hugs.  

[MercyA]

Your post only makes me think well of you. 

[Junie]

Visiting my father was always difficult for various reasons.  I always made sure that I had an appointment of some sort so that I had an excuse to leave after about an hour.  And sometimes the appointment was made up, like going home to clean a bathroom or whatever.  I wouldn't tell him that, of course; I would just tell him that there was something I needed to do at 4:00.  It wasn't a lie and it really helped me to enjoy the visit more, knowing that I had an escape plan.

[City Mouse]

I too have a “difficult” parent who may be getting her own thread here soon.

I think your plans sound fine. I am going to have to come up with something soon. Going in the evening gives a solid end time for the visit which I think is helpful.  
when my sisters (live close to mom) go by, they have specific tasks to accomplish. Often they do not stay any longer than needed to complete those tasks. I live 12 hrs away, so when I go, I have to stay for several days in a row which is proving difficult even when I only go 2 times a year. I have learned that I have to break up my days with things that have nothing to do with my mom to make it through a visit and keep myself sane.

Edited April 9, 2021 by City Mouse

[Loesje22000]

I would limit my visits to every other week or less.

If jig saw or crossword/cryptogram puzzle together is no option, I would combine the visits to my mom with visits to a beautiful garden or nice garden centre / plant breeder. Just to balance out the visit.

I like the idea of visiting on a workday.

[Laura Corin]

1 hour ago, PeterPan said:

Is she at all interesting so that you have anything to talk about? I mean, seems to me the only real motivation to see someone is you have something you want to talk about or do. All the rest is rewards, putting up with. If you were a different person and didn't have this past and water under the bridge, how would you interact with her or see her?

If you did not visit her, would she be happy? Does she enjoy where she is and find it socially fulfilling? When you visit her, does it cheer her up?

Does she have any pursuits like playing cards or doing puzzles so you'd have something to do together?

She is interested in current affairs and gardening.  She used to read fiction but can't concentrate on that any longer.  She likes to watch history shows on the television.  She's not interested in puzzles or cards, and was not keen on looking at old photos either.  In pre-Covid times I was actually able to keep the conversation going fine - she's not usually unpleasant to me.  I just didn't want to spend that time.  Currently things are hard because she is quite deaf, even with expensive hearing aids, so I can only converse Love Actually style, with a pad of paper and a marker pen ETA because of wearing a mask and having to stay 2 metres away.  She doesn't like the people she lives with (she looks down on them) so she looks forward to talking to someone 'intelligent'.

1 hour ago, PeterPan said:

I'm just curious. Are you or is that kind of hardening of the arteries on her part?? LOL I mean, you homeschooled, lol. Where is that coming from?

When my husband lost his job in his fifties and couldn't get another one, I went to work full time.  Some time after she moved in with us I changed job to earn more money - the job change was temporarily stressful, mostly because she was there too.  When I reached the end of my tether and asked her to move out, she decided that it was because I valued my career more than her.  I think that's a more comfortable narrative for her.

1 hour ago, marbel said:

I was wondering if it is important to go once per week?  Would every 2 weeks do? Obviously if your mother is lonely and looks forward to/needs your visits, then that's that. But if I recall correctly from past posts, your mother is very shy/introverted, am I right? Maybe she does not require or even want weekly visits? 

Can she and does she like to go out? A short walk, or a drive in the country, or a visit to a tearoom might make the visit more pleasant?  Or, as you suggested, maybe having something nice to do on your own on the way to or from would make it easier. For me, that would be a stop at a coffee shop to have something to drink/eat and read. Or a walk would be good.

 

Currently I think she needs to see me weekly because she has been so lonely for so long.  I think I can probably stretch it to every ten days after a while.  We are currently not allowed to take people out on outings.  My husband also can't take the visiting duty at present because only one named person is allowed.  I expect to bring her home for lunch once a month when regulations change - she hasn't seen my new house

 

56 minutes ago, Bambam said:

I would make a list of things I enjoy doing that take 1-2 hours - be it hiking, going to a museum, going to an art gallery, just driving along a favorite road, stopping to get a small treat that I usually don't, or sitting at an outdoor cafe and sipping tea/watching people, whatever. 
I would make a list of conversational topics (what was school like when you were a kid? Who were your close friends when you were a child? What did you think of Churchill? things like this that aren't really personal to you)

On the frequency I decided to visit (and I would visit the same time/same day - as much as practical anyway), I would select a couple of those conversational topics and one activity to do afterward.  Switch up next time. 

If I had flowers in my yard, I might take a couple to her each time I could leave something with her. Or take her a muffin that I made for my own mid-morning snack.  Of course, all this assume no allergies and it fits with any diet restrictions. 

If I had a box of old photos, I might take some along on a semi-regular basis to ask questions about those - assuming this would not be distressing to either of you. 

All good ideas.  The conversation bit will actually be fine once I no longer have to wear a mask.  I just need to reframe the whole experience in my head somehow.

Edited April 9, 2021 by Laura Corin

[Scarlett]

I was going to suggest a bit of genealogy.  She possesses a lot of info that will be lost when she is gone if it is not recorded in some way.  Maybe work on building a family tree....the old fashioned paper kind, not electronically maybe. 

[chiguirre]

14 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

She is interested in current affairs and gardening.  She used to read fiction but can't concentrate on that any longer.  She likes to watch history shows on the television.  She's not interested in puzzles or cards, and was not keen on looking at old photos either.  In pre-Covid times I was actually able to keep the conversation going fine - she's not usually unpleasant to me.  I just didn't want to spend that time.  Currently things are hard because she is quite deaf, even with expensive hearing aids, so I can only converse Love Actually style, with a pad of paper and a marker pen.  She doesn't like the people she lives with (she looks down on them) so she looks forward to talking to someone 'intelligent'.

 

I'd be tempted to have an epistolary relationship since conversation is so awkward. Maybe you could drop off a treat and a pack of letters and just limit your physical visit to a brief wellness check. The letters could be from anyone so you don't have to write them all. They could even be articles that you'd like her opinion on (even if you don't really, but it will get her interacting).

My aunt had the opposite problem, she was mostly blind so she depended on audio books for entertainment and daily phone calls. She wasn't fond of physical visits and that suited everyone just fine. Find what works for your situation and go with that.

[Harriet Vane]

I have had a few difficult visiting scenarios. My aunt (more like my sister) suffered with dementia from a brain tumor, and my grandmother and my darling in-laws had/have severe dementia. My relationships with my aunt and my grandmother had been complicated by dysfunctional family dynamics, but I felt strongly that I needed to visit them regularly.

I really do understand about reframing. It helped me to know that my visits eased their suffering. It also helped me to remind myself that the bad moods or, in the case of one of them with advanced dementia, attempts to hit or cause hurt, were/are due to the ravages of the disease on the brain. In other words, the real person inside would never try to hit me--it's the disease that has rendered this person so anxious and panicked as to strike out. 

You mentioned she likes fiction but is having a hard time following it. I wonder if a story in 100 words will fit? Reader's Digest started this as a feature, and now there are books and other media that collect and produce these. Here's a link, though if you google you will find more:

Your True Stories, in 100 Words

 

I found that routine helps enormously. We take a walk. I bring something for "show-and-tell." Perhaps a photo of my kids or I might ask for advice about an item I am thinking of purchasing. Often I bring a list of Stuff To Talk About--updates on the kids or even something as mundane as my recent trip to the grocery store. Finally, I leave a treat. Sometimes it might be just one small piece of candy or some flowers. My aunt loved it when I wrote her a little note and left it on her pillow to read later. 

The other thing that helps enormously is something to do with your hands. Do you crochet or do you like cross-stitch? Honestly, my ability to sit peacefully either while the person is complaining or simply to be comfortable with silence changes drastically when I have something to keep my hands occupied.

Finally, make sure you have something nice to do afterward. Be intentional in planning for this. I cannot live with the heaviness that comes from immersion with difficult people--it has to be swept briskly away with a healing activity. With my aunt, I was too upset to do anything with people or anything fun. I listened to music in the long car ride home and then I played mindlessly on the internet or watched shows for a little while. I was stronger with the others, so often my "recovery" after a visit was brisker--meet up with a friend or watch a show or take a lovely walk. The point is to reward yourself when you're done with something that will help blow away the lingering mood from the heavy visit.

[Spy Car]

I also think the world of you Laura.

Embrace your sense of duty, it is being true to your nature.

Is there an outing that might be fun for you both?

Take photos. Life is fleeting (even at the century mark).

Bill

 

 

[Kassia]

3 hours ago, MercyA said:

Your post only makes me think well of you. 

That's what I was thinking! 

[bibiche]

@Laura Corin If she likes gardening, can you take in a heap of gardening catalogues and plans of the outside of your new house and ask her to help you plan your garden? She’ll look forward to visiting, particularly if you’ve implemented some of her ideas.

[prairiewindmomma]

Can you bring a treat (food or flowers) weekly after work and then have the excuse to go home and make dinner? Like, I might set aside Tuesdays to do that. If it becomes a routine for her, then there will be less fussing about when you will come next.

[PeterPan]

Scrabble?

Its hard when they’re grouchy/bitter. 

I agree you could write letters to space visits. My dad loves letters, so old school.

[katilac]

18 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Can you bring a treat (food or flowers) weekly after work and then have the excuse to go home and make dinner? Like, I might set aside Tuesdays to do that. If it becomes a routine for her, then there will be less fussing about when you will come next.

I hate to say this, but I'd be careful about having too regular of a routine for visiting. You don't want the home and carers to always know when you are coming. If you do a certain day for visits, I'd also do varied spot checks where you're just checking in. 

[Laura Corin]

15 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

 

I agree you could write letters to space visits. My dad loves letters, so old school.

I may end up doing that. It wouldn't be a kindness to her, however, as she doesn't write back, and she really wants the opportunity to talk.

9 minutes ago, katilac said:

I hate to say this, but I'd be careful about having too regular of a routine for visiting. You don't want the home and carers to always know when you are coming. If you do a certain day for visits, I'd also do varied spot checks where you're just checking in. 

I always used to go in randomly. Currently  because of Covid protocols, I need to book in advance. We also are not allowed to bring home baked goods or flowers. Packaged goods etc. need to be quarantined, which is outdated advice but not mine to change. 

[Denise in IN]

1 hour ago, bibiche said:

@Laura Corin If she likes gardening, can you take in a heap of gardening catalogues and plans of the outside of your new house and ask her to help you plan your garden? She’ll look forward to visiting, particularly if you’ve implemented some of her ideas.

I am thinking about the gardening interest as well - does she have any opportunity for gardening in any way where she is at?  Containers inside even?  Especially since it's spring, could you bring her things she could "garden" with and help her with keeping them up if needed?  

I think you're a very gracious daughter and you are wise to be honest with your feelings and try to work through them/reframe rather than letting them negatively impact below the surface.  Anyone who has elderly parents knows that the relationships can be complicated and difficult to navigate.  💙

[Melissa in Australia]

Hugs

[Laura Corin]

24 minutes ago, Denise in IN said:

I am thinking about the gardening interest as well - does she have any opportunity for gardening in any way where she is at?  Containers inside even?  Especially since it's spring, could you bring her things she could "garden" with and help her with keeping them up if needed?  

I think you're a very gracious daughter and you are wise to be honest with your feelings and try to work through them/reframe rather than letting them negatively impact below the surface.  Anyone who has elderly parents knows that the relationships can be complicated and difficult to navigate.  💙

Thanks. I think she became overwhelmed by looking after her own garden and doesn’t want to be responsible for plants, even if I do the work.  The home tried to interest her in gardening there and I tried with plants in her room but she's not interested. I'm happy following the conversation anywhere she wants it to go.

[MamaSprout]

I have a similar family dynamic. I would often set my visits up on a lunch hour or at another time with a hard end time. We would go through photos, play dominoes or scrabble, and /or talk about their childhood. My parents are still in their home. I also visit them with a specific end time, but usually end up doing small tasks for them, so less of a burden to make conversation.

[Caraway]

6 hours ago, Laura Corin said:

She is interested in current affairs and gardening.  She used to read fiction but can't concentrate on that any longer.  She likes to watch history shows on the television.  She's not interested in puzzles or cards, and was not keen on looking at old photos either.  In pre-Covid times I was actually able to keep the conversation going fine - she's not usually unpleasant to me.  I just didn't want to spend that time.  Currently things are hard because she is quite deaf, even with expensive hearing aids, so I can only converse Love Actually style, with a pad of paper and a marker pen ETA because of wearing a mask and having to stay 2 metres away.  She doesn't like the people she lives with (she looks down on them) so she looks forward to talking to someone 'intelligent'.

When my husband lost his job in his fifties and couldn't get another one, I went to work full time.  Some time after she moved in with us I changed job to earn more money - the job change was temporarily stressful, mostly because she was there too.  When I reached the end of my tether and asked her to move out, she decided that it was because I valued my career more than her.  I think that's a more comfortable narrative for her.

Currently I think she needs to see me weekly because she has been so lonely for so long.  I think I can probably stretch it to every ten days after a while.  We are currently not allowed to take people out on outings.  My husband also can't take the visiting duty at present because only one named person is allowed.  I expect to bring her home for lunch once a month when regulations change - she hasn't seen my new house

 

All good ideas.  The conversation bit will actually be fine once I no longer have to wear a mask.  I just need to reframe the whole experience in my head somehow.

I have a weekly phone call with my mother and I'm about to cut her off because my whole week is tanked by that hour.  I dread it for two days, and then I have at least two days after the call where I am mad about the call.  So, no judgement from me.

When my kids were little I struggled with being patient.  When I was being impatient it helped me to think "right now I'm practicing being patient."  It took away the sense that my time was being wasted, because it wasn't being wasted - I was practicing a skill.  Perhaps you could use a similar trick with your visits.  I should probably try thinking "I'm practicing being non-reactive" for my phone calls. 😬

[Jenny in Florida]

Laura, you  have many times been unbelievably kind and generous to and supportive of me, and I want very badly to return the favor. It's been a busy day at work for me, and I'll need some time to ponder and see if I can come up with anything helpful beyond what has already been suggested. In the meantime, though, I wanted you to know that I think the fact you continue to go and to actively look for ways to reframe this experience, rather than simply looking for excuses to get out of it, speaks volumes about your goodness.

Edited April 9, 2021 by Jenny in Florida

[Laura Corin]

Ladies and gent., I'm really touched. I've been feeling like a heel that I haven't been able to develop charitable thoughts about this very minor task, particularly when I am so lucky in so many ways. You are all helping so much.

[Starr]

We've tried activities with my mom and that didn't work out. I really like the scheduling of the visit to work around your schedule with a treat after. It's a hard go.

[Moonhawk]

11 hours ago, Laura Corin said:

I just need to find a way to frame it so that I do it willingly and (if possible) joyfully.  So far, my thoughts are:

- visit her in the evenings after work so that my weekend remains free

- if it has to be at weekends, combine the visit with something fun: walking or running somewhere different, for example

- other ideas (not religious, please)?

I agree with everyone else's assessment on your handling of this with grace.

Addressing your request on framing, would having the visit to make her living situation better even while you aren't there make it easier? Small tasks where you sort through her clothes for things that don't fit, or iron things, or dust the high shelves, or clean the windows, or polish her picture frames? Shine shoes? Things that can keep your hands busy and yes, you can talk to her while stuff is getting done, but gives you a clear goal that makes you feel accomplished by the end of the visit, and that your visits are making a tangible difference to her quality of living?

 

[fairfarmhand]

Laura, the fact that you feel bad about your dread of this task means that you are a wonderful person. 

Was your mother always a challenging person or has she gotten that way as she's gotten older?

(Only asking because I live in dread of becoming a cranky old lady whose kids can't stand her.)

[J-rap]

Since she likes history documentaries, can you find a good historical drama series that she'd enjoy?  You could watch an episode together one night each week.  You could maybe pick up some food at a restaurant on your way over there that she'd like, and eat while watching the episode together.  (That way you wouldn't need to struggle with conversation while eating.)  You can chat about the episode over coffee once it's over.

[Carol in Cal.]

I would bring one question about the past and one piece of news about the present to talk about, and a food treat of some sort, and a knitting or other handwork project that doesn't need a lot of attention but that can help with the boredom aspect.  I'd vary the times as suggested upthread, and usually go right after work.  I'd set a goal of visiting weekly and try to check that box early each week, personally.  

[bookbard]

I always bring something as a topic of conversation when we visit my MIL who has a rocky r'ship with my partner. Local newsletter, so she can read through it and gossip about various people she knew. Magazine (gardening? Royals?) to flick through and comment on. Photograph album. Basically, looking at one another can be uncomfortable - having something else to focus on can help!

[Laura Corin]

4 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

 

Was your mother always a challenging person or has she gotten that way as she's gotten older?

(Only asking because I live in dread of becoming a cranky old lady whose kids can't stand her.)

She had a rough childhood in a particularly colonial British way - absent parents overseas, boarding school from age 7, etc. - that left her very anxious but also prone to using all possible emotional tools for self protection.  My father leaving her for a younger woman when I  was 11 didn't help. Given this, she was a perfectly decent mother when I was a child.

As soon as she didn't feel the duties of a mother, once we were adult, she settled into selfishness. She was 56 when I turned 18, so younger than I am now. I'm the youngest child.

[Anne]

Could you get some of the masks that are designed for use with hearing impaired people - they’re clear so that most of the face can be seen.  

You are handling a difficult situation with grace and creativity!

Anne

[Laura Corin]

5 minutes ago, Anne said:

Could you get some of the masks that are designed for use with hearing impaired people - they’re clear so that most of the face can be seen.  

You are handling a difficult situation with grace and creativity!

Anne

Thanks. Only certified medical masks are allowed. I'll check if I can find some. I think she partially lipreads. 

Edited April 10, 2021 by Laura Corin

[Pam in CT]

On 4/9/2021 at 8:13 AM, Laura Corin said:

..So.  Now I'm going to be visiting her again.  She's very fit for her 96 years and I can see her living well past her century.  Honestly, I would rather not go, but I'm definitely not going to stop - my self-image requires me to do this duty...

...I know that this doesn't put me in the best light, so please be gentle if you've go through all this.

Nope.  Duty, it's a thing.  Obligation towards others is what holds the world together.  I *admire and respect* people with a sturdy sense of duty; I think less of people who figure it's only about The Individual.  No man is an island and all that.

23 hours ago, MercyA said:

Your post only makes me think well of you. 

Someday we too will be old and lonely.

 

 

So.  Onward to Reframing...

23 hours ago, Laura Corin said:

She is interested in current affairs and gardening.  She used to read fiction but can't concentrate on that any longer.  She likes to watch history shows on the television.  She's not interested in puzzles or cards, and was not keen on looking at old photos either... Currently things are hard because she is quite deaf, even with expensive hearing aids..  She doesn't like the people she lives with (she looks down on them) so she looks forward to talking to someone 'intelligent'...

...Currently I think she needs to see me weekly because she has been so lonely for so long.  I think I can probably stretch it to every ten days after a while.  We are currently not allowed to take people out on outings.  My husband also can't take the visiting duty at present because only one named person is allowed.  I expect to bring her home for lunch once a month when regulations change - she hasn't seen my new house...

I would fit the visits in around your work schedule, after work.  Because that will work for YOU.

I would seek to take advantage of the glorious late Scottish nights you have to work with over the next few months.  And her general physical fitness.  She is currently not allowed to go on outings, but can you take her for brief walks, even if just around the parking lot or whatever?  (Given how important it is for seniors to keep moving, I'd pitch this pretty hard with her caretakers).  If the environs and her physical capacity allow, you might develop a short "loop" and over the weeks watch the phases of spring evolve.  And as COVID restrictions lift, broaden this basic idea outward -- once she is allowed into your car, drive her to a park or large garden and walk around that, once she's allowed into restaurants/ once nightfall starts at 3p or whatever crazy it is up there in your latitude, you can morph the outing to include a cafe or pub etc.

If she's interested in current events, but deaf, I might make a practice of printing out one article from a source she's unlikely to have access to, on a subject you think might interest her.  Maybe she'll look at it while you're there; or maybe after you've left.  I expect she'll appreciate even if she doesn't so articulate.  And poetry, also short -- very personal, not everyone does it, but my own mother receives poems like a priceless gift. Honestly, other than stuff from my garden (she no longer has one) there is no "thing" I can bring her, that she cherishes more.  And it's something she does after I leave, so from her POV it's a sort of extension of the visit.  (My favorite Scottish poem, definitely not for now, but after the light wanes.)

If she's not so into geneology or going over old photos... might she respond to telling her own story?  I recently learned from my FIL that one of my nephews started, at the beginning of COVID, to write him emails with questions about his boyhood, his early career, his loves before he met my MIL, his considerable civic work over the decades... and that for over a year now the two of them have gone back and forth with ever-greater depth. It is not the grandchild FIL might have expected this from; you can imagine how much it means to him.  And nephew is collating an extraordinary archive -- dunno what if anything he plans to do with it, but he'll have it.

Games are FANTASTIC and definitely serve a therapeutic role in keeping older minds (including 50-something minds!!) nimble -- if you don't have a family habit/ culture of playing them it can feel a bit artificial to start, but maybe stow a few and try them out on rainy days.  Good candidates for hard of hearing (requiring little/no oral interaction): Banagrams - verbal, Rummikub - numeral, Othello - visual, Set - visual processing speed.  And our most-beloved family game is Quiddler, short words.  (Banagrams, Set and Quiddler all fit into a handbag.)

This is excellent counsel:

22 hours ago, Harriet Vane said:

....I found that routine helps enormously. We take a walk. I bring something for "show-and-tell." Perhaps a photo of my kids or I might ask for advice about an item I am thinking of purchasing. Often I bring a list of Stuff To Talk About--updates on the kids or even something as mundane as my recent trip to the grocery store. Finally, I leave a treat. Sometimes it might be just one small piece of candy or some flowers. My aunt loved it when I wrote her a little note and left it on her pillow to read later....

Finally, make sure you have something nice to do afterward. Be intentional in planning for this. I cannot live with the heaviness that comes from immersion with difficult people--it has to be swept briskly away with a healing activity. With my aunt, I was too upset to do anything with people or anything fun. I listened to music in the long car ride home and then I played mindlessly on the internet or watched shows for a little while. I was stronger with the others, so often my "recovery" after a visit was brisker--meet up with a friend or watch a show or take a lovely walk. The point is to reward yourself when you're done with something that will help blow away the lingering mood from the heavy visit.

 

Finally, despite your prelude plea re secular, I offer you a framing label, mitzvah, which does happen to have a religious etymology but which packs in a lot of what you seem to be looking for.  It's commonly translated as good deed, but within the texts it's really closer to obligation, and within the teachings of the tradition it's also fused to a sense of striving toward our better selves.  The idea is when we repeatedly do the same good-enough thing, even if driven by only so-so motivation, we lay down grooves of habit, and it becomes easier and more automatic and less fraught, and ultimately "sanctifies" us, which (non-literalist agnostic that I am I) I take to mean, buttresses our striving toward our better selves.

Holding you and your stalwart cranky mom in the light.

[J-rap]

Thinking of games...  Would she be able to play/enjoy a game of Scrabble?  

Another thing...  My mother was once given a book where you answer one specific question/day (or however often you want to do it) about your childhood.  My mother was a really sharp lady and I think she thought things like that were kind of dumb, but I happened to come across the book not too long ago.  She only filled out about 10 questions, but they were so fun to read!  I really wish she had filled out all of it.  I wonder if your mother would enjoy doing that with you.  Or maybe not, if her childhood was not always happy...

[wintermom]

On 4/9/2021 at 9:50 AM, Laura Corin said:

The conversation bit will actually be fine once I no longer have to wear a mask.  I just need to reframe the whole experience in my head somehow.

I don't think you're actually going to convince yourself that this is going to be a fun thing, because it just isn't. I'd focus on trying to set up a system where this will be the least painful for yourself simply so you can keep doing it over the long-term.

Maybe plan to do the visits when you are not tired, so after work might not be ideal if work is tiring. I like the idea of having a fixed end point for the visits, either with an appointment that's actually happening or not. Also, reward yourself after every visit so that your brain remembers the reward. Do something fun (walk, run), have a food treat, or something else that is super positive. 

You are doing a wonderful thing, but even knowing that is not always super helpful. Big hugs. 

[J-rap]

I wanted to add that I don't think doing something out of duty is a bad thing at all!  I think it's very admirable.  Anyone can do something nice when it feels easy or enjoyable.  When it feels awkward or uncomfortable or just not enjoyable and you do it anyway...  Well, that kind of puts you at a whole other level in my eyes!

[sassenach]

On 4/9/2021 at 5:13 AM, Laura Corin said:

 

I know that this doesn't put me in the best light, so please be gentle if you've go through all this.

It doesn't put you in a bad light at all. This is the real stuff of taking care of aging parents. We're in the thick of it with my FIL right now. It's a duty. I think you're right about going on a work day and leaving your weekends untouched. Is there a treat that you really like nearby? I reward myself with a Starbucks sometimes when I go take care of FIL. 

Things I give myself permission to do: Keep a visit short, skip a week, put boundaries on conversations

[Laura Corin]

6 hours ago, Pam in CT said:

Nope.  Duty, it's a thing.  Obligation towards others is what holds the world together.  I *admire and respect* people with a sturdy sense of duty; I think less of people who figure it's only about The Individual.  No man is an island and all that.

Someday we too will be old and lonely.

 

 

So.  Onward to Reframing...

I would fit the visits in around your work schedule, after work.  Because that will work for YOU.

I would seek to take advantage of the glorious late Scottish nights you have to work with over the next few months.  And her general physical fitness.  She is currently not allowed to go on outings, but can you take her for brief walks, even if just around the parking lot or whatever?  (Given how important it is for seniors to keep moving, I'd pitch this pretty hard with her caretakers).  If the environs and her physical capacity allow, you might develop a short "loop" and over the weeks watch the phases of spring evolve.  And as COVID restrictions lift, broaden this basic idea outward -- once she is allowed into your car, drive her to a park or large garden and walk around that, once she's allowed into restaurants/ once nightfall starts at 3p or whatever crazy it is up there in your latitude, you can morph the outing to include a cafe or pub etc.

......

Finally, despite your prelude plea re secular, I offer you a framing label, mitzvah, which does happen to have a religious etymology but which packs in a lot of what you seem to be looking for.  It's commonly translated as good deed, but within the texts it's really closer to obligation, and within the teachings of the tradition it's also fused to a sense of striving toward our better selves.  The idea is when we repeatedly do the same good-enough thing, even if driven by only so-so motivation, we lay down grooves of habit, and it becomes easier and more automatic and less fraught, and ultimately "sanctifies" us, which (non-literalist agnostic that I am I) I take to mean, buttresses our striving toward our better selves.

Holding you and your stalwart cranky mom in the light.

Thank you. I will think about mitzvah.

Walking might be good. For now I'm not allowed to leave the room with her, in order to localise any infection risk in the home, nor have her hold my arm, but walking around the garden would be good when we are allowed.