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Try not to react emotionally.


“When you spit you —————“ (fill the blank in with whatever loss of priceless or currency he values). Maybe going to his room.  Maybe losing favorite toy for an hour.

I haven’t had spitting, but I dud have an 8 year old staying with us for a while who would pee her pants in public on purpose. I think just to see what the consequences would be. I didn’t carry a diaper bag or extra clothes for her, so the consequences were always going home instead of continuing whatever fun thing we were doing. She never did this at home, it was always at an outdoor concert, or the children’s museum. She did it maybe four times, and when she realized I’d just shrug and take her home she finally stopped. 

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Posted (edited)

Thank you. 

I do remain calm

 He doesn't have a currancy. I am not allowed to send him to his room. That unfortunately is considered abusive discipline. Plus how would I get him to his room. If I held his arm and assist him that would be considered a form of physical restraint. I think this would escalate the situation. 

 

 

Edited by Melissa in Australia
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One applicant for jr high principle was asked this.  She gave the kid a cup, and told them to fill it with spit.  The kid was no longer interested in spitting. 

They also need to learn what they could do when angry.

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My daughter is much older, but when she started spitting on the floor when angry I would make her clean it up with an antibacterial wipe or cleanser.  I told her not only is it disgusting but it's unsanitary.   And she also lost desserts/junk food...you spit in my house, you still get your regular, nutritious meals but no potato chips, cookies, etc.  

Spitting in my face?!   I think I'd put on a face shield when the angry outburst begins and if any spit gets on it the person will be cleaning my shield at some point...and definitely the no dessert part would apply here, too!

Around here, the police have had to use spit hoods on some people while making arrests.   Yes, I know this would be considered abusive with a child, but maybe this is a good thing for the child to know for future reference.   

Edited by Laurie
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Sending lots of hugs.

When you say he is not atyipcal, do you mean he is not a typical child. An atypical child would be one who is unusual, or has a condition that puts him outside the majority, so something like ASD, or ADHD, or ID, etc . . . ?  So, a not atypical child would be a typical child, one who is average.  

Back to the question at hand, I would look carefully at the function of the behavior.  Is he doing it because it makes you move away, or it gains him attention, or a demand is removed?  Once you figure out what he's getting from the behavior, you can disrupt that connection. 

Edited by BaseballandHockey
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Posted (edited)
26 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

Do you mean he is not a typical child. An atypical child would be one who is unusual, or has a condition that puts him outside the majority, so something like ASD, or ADHD, or ID, etc . . . ?  So, a not atypical child would be a typical child, one who is average.  

I would look carefully at the function of the behavior.  Is he doing it because it makes you move away, or it gains him attention, or a demand is removed?  

You are right. 

 I should have said not a typical child. Normal parenting won't work

I think he is doing it for the same reason that he hits me, calls me names, yells at me  and  generally  is bullying others around him. He dislikes being requested to do any thing. The demand never gets removed. I mostly stay calm. I don't move out of the way.  

So me saying you need sit down while we do school work  will  most often result in him responding negatively. Most often him yellingand hopping into his chair in such a way that he will kick and elbow me.

Just before his brother said "hay you skipped a page in explode the code" , resulting in him spitting at his brother but I am sitting between them. (he was trying to skip a page to get to an easier page)  so I was spat on at the same time

 I can ignore the elbowing and kicking. I can stay calm and detached through endless yelling but really don't like being  spat at. I find it challenging to remain calm. 

Spitting is a fairly new behaviour, about 3 weeks. Actually around the time of firelighting.  He luckily  doesn't know how to get a mouthful of spit  first yet. 

Edited to add that he does have the ability to control the behaviour occasionally. Like if he really wants to play on the wii he can control it for up to 8 hours, but cannot seem to for successive days.  

Edited by Melissa in Australia
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Posted (edited)
30 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

Sending lots of hugs.

When you say he is not atyipcal, do you mean he is not a typical child. An atypical child would be one who is unusual, or has a condition that puts him outside the majority, so something like ASD, or ADHD, or ID, etc . . . ?  So, a not atypical child would be a typical child, one who is average.  

Back to the question at hand, I would look carefully at the function of the behavior.  Is he doing it because it makes you move away, or it gains him attention, or a demand is removed?  Once you figure out what he's getting from the behavior, you can disrupt that connection. 

Wish I knew what his motivation was. 

I really don't know, I get stuck thinking of negative things like control, defiance, anger. 😟

His speech pathologist suggested I should look into theory of mind. I haven't  done that yet. 

It wears me down. 

Edited by Melissa in Australia
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6 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

Wish I knew what his motivation was. 

I really don't know I can only think of negative things like control, defiance, anger 

His speech pathologist suggested I should look into theory of mind. I haven't  done that yet. 

It wears me down. 

Just being honest here, but I think it would be better to focus on you right now.    No wonder you're feeling worn down!  

Here's a thought:   Since you mentioned that his spitting is a new behavior, maybe your family should be giving you some extra attention!  Has your husband ever said something like this to the child:   "Don't you ever spit on my wife again!"  (I wouldn't say "your mother" because that just keeps the focus on the child and makes everything revolve around him.)   I think the child needs to see the other family members giving you some special attention...you deserve to be respected and cared for!  

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I don’t have advice but I do have a friend who has been dealing with it with her kid - will let you know if she has any suggestions.  Maybe it helps to know you’re not alone.  For her it’s also a defiance thing when kid is asked to do something or not permitted to do something.

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