forgiveness

[gardenmom5]

I've worked many years to forgive my grandmother.  I had a conversation this weekend, and I realized, I have (finally) fully forgiven her.  There were a few years where I wasn't 'quite there', and wondered if I ever would be.  Nevertheless, there are still bits of damage to clean up.  The taste of forgiveness is very sweet.   

I have thought how anger and hurt take space that could be filled by The Savior's Love.  Forgiveness has made more room, and has increased my ability to love.

Very timely as this weekend we celebrate The Atonement and Resurrection of The Savior.  He who heals the wounded soul.

[Ditto]

Do you know what finally got you there?   I am glad that you have been able to forgive her.  Forgiveness is sometimes hard and I think time is the best healer.  But sometimes that just isn't enough. 

[cintinative]

@Indigo Blue You have experienced a lot of hurt, and that hurt is real.  I can relate so much to what you are saying. 

I think it helps to make a distinction between forgiving someone and forgetting what happened. To me, forgiveness is just releasing your desire for justice to God. It means that the memories no longer cause tremendous pain. It does NOT mean that I forget what happened (that is impossible).  It does NOT mean that I forget that this person is toxic, or that I don't need to tread carefully with that person/have appropriate boundaries/back off from the relationship.  Forgiveness on your part does not mean restoration, especially in the case of a toxic/abusive person. Restoration requires repentance and true change on the part of the person who has done the harm. Without that repentance from your mom, your relationship can never be what it should be. It's super hard to sit in that space and grieve that.  I know for years I found I just kept hoping that my mom would be someone other than who she is, and then I kept getting myself hurt again.  I also have had to back off. She has noticed, and has made comments, but it is what it is.  I know what I must do to be healthy. I will listen to her and I will show her kindness, but I am not obligated to share the deep heart things if I don't feel safe doing so. Grieving that my relationship with my mom has not been and will never be "normal" is part of the journey I am on toward forgiveness.  

Prayers for you. You are not alone.  

 

 

 

 

 

[mlktwins]

I think that is so wonderful for you!!!

Is this a forgiveness that your grandmother is aware of (and she takes responsibility for what she did) or is this something you did for you without her acknowledgement?

I'm not able to forgive someone for something they did that was so hurtful and destroyed not only our friendship, but my boys' friendship with her son. I know they don't think they did anything wrong and would never acknowledge it if they did.  I'm having trouble forgiving in these circumstances, but I know I need to for me.

[I talk to the trees]

3 hours ago, cintinative said:

@Indigo Blue You have experienced a lot of hurt, and that hurt is real.  I can relate so much to what you are saying. 

I think it helps to make a distinction between forgiving someone and forgetting what happened. To me, forgiveness is just releasing your desire for justice to God. It means that the memories no longer cause tremendous pain. It does NOT mean that I forget what happened (that is impossible).  It does NOT mean that I forget that this person is toxic, or that I don't need to tread carefully with that person/have appropriate boundaries/back off from the relationship.  Forgiveness on your part does not mean restoration, especially in the case of a toxic/abusive person. Restoration requires repentance and true change on the part of the person who has done the harm. Without that repentance from your mom, your relationship can never be what it should be. It's super hard to sit in that space and grieve that.  I know for years I found I just kept hoping that my mom would be someone other than who she is, and then I kept getting myself hurt again.  I also have had to back off. She has noticed, and has made comments, but it is what it is.  I know what I must do to be healthy. I will listen to her and I will show her kindness, but I am not obligated to share the deep heart things if I don't feel safe doing so. Grieving that my relationship with my mom has not been and will never be "normal" is part of the journey I am on toward forgiveness.  

Prayers for you. You are not alone.  

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, my! The bolded is a perfect description of where I am right now, and it is so very, very difficult. My parents are aging, and I realized after a particularly nasty episode a few weeks ago that it is never going to get better, and will probably only get worse as they get older and more childish. Boy, do I wish I had a sibling I could talk to right now. 
 

Gardenmom, I am glad to hear that you have been able to lift your burden through forgiveness!

Indigo and Cincinative- hugs and empathy! I hope we all find the peace we long for!

[cintinative]

45 minutes ago, I talk to the trees said:

Oh, my! The bolded is a perfect description of where I am right now, and it is so very, very difficult. My parents are aging, and I realized after a particularly nasty episode a few weeks ago that it is never going to get better, and will probably only get worse as they get older and more childish. Boy, do I wish I had a sibling I could talk to right now. 

Indigo and Cincinative- hugs and empathy! I hope we all find the peace we long for!

Hugs and prayers for you both as well. I am fortunate that I do have a sibling, and he mostly gets it.  He's not quite to the point of accepting that she is who she is and won't change yet.  But at least we can walk together on the journey.

[Kassia]

4 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

I do really hesitate to say this, and I don’t know how to say it with grace. I feel that when people have to deal with the passing of someone with whom they’ve been at the receiving end of a toxic relationship, it can complicate the grieving process and add layers there that wouldn’t otherwise have to be dealt with or processed. I haven’t even been through that myself, but I can imagine what that might be like and how hard it would be. There’s just so much more there than just grieving a healthy relationship. I don’t mean to minimize the grief of anyone who has lost someone. I hope you can understand what I am saying. For example, there might be guilt to deal with. Even though you did nothing wrong, it isn’t normal to have negative feelings toward your own mom or grand mom. Those feelings are there because of having been hurt. So, one would have to deal with that. Maybe being in a place of forgiveness could help. However, this may not apply to everyone with a difficult relationship. I mean, forgiveness isn’t always necessary and may not help in certain instances. Ok, this is way too deep. I hope I didn’t make a mess of what I’m trying to say.

I understand what you're saying but that didn't happen in my case.  My mother and I had a difficult relationship and had been estranged when she died (she's a narcissist).  It was a relief for me when she died.  I didn't wish anything bad for her, but she was a constant threat to me and that was lifted when she died and I knew she couldn't try to hurt me and my family anymore.  But I can definitely see where this could happen to other people when someone dies and there are many unresolved issues.  

 

 

Edited April 5, 2021 by Kassia

[Ditto]

4 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

I do really hesitate to say this, and I don’t know how to say it with grace. I feel that when people have to deal with the passing of someone with whom they’ve been at the receiving end of a toxic relationship, it can complicate the grieving process and add layers there that wouldn’t otherwise have to be dealt with or processed. I haven’t even been through that myself, but I can imagine what that might be like and how hard it would be. There’s just so much more there than just grieving a healthy relationship. I don’t mean to minimize the grief of anyone who has lost someone. I hope you can understand what I am saying. For example, there might be guilt to deal with. Even though you did nothing wrong, it isn’t normal to have negative feelings toward your own mom or grand mom. Those feelings are there because of having been hurt. So, one would have to deal with that. Maybe being in a place of forgiveness could help. However, this may not apply to everyone with a difficult relationship. I mean, forgiveness isn’t always necessary and may not help in certain instances. Ok, this is way too deep. I hope I didn’t make a mess of what I’m trying to say.

I fully agree with you.  You did a good job stating it too.