Am I wrong?

[QueenZ]

My husband and I used to live in an apartment and recently we bought a house with 3 bedrooms.

His brother was renting in a bad neighborhood apartment with other people,  we went there for his birthday and we saw his situation and it was just sad and so bad. 

So we decided to talk to him to move with us and pay less of what he's paying and live comfortably meaning (less spending, shower comfortably coz they did not have heater in their bathroom, no monthly gym fee coz we have basement with equipments,  I cook everyday,  I deep clean the house every week).

Before he moved I gave him only one rule which is cleanliness (coz I did not expect that he will do something that will disrespect our house) . My husband also gave him a rule, that he can have people comeover but can't stay the night like they live in our house (a rule that he did not discuss to me his wife)

The problem arose when he keeps bringing his ex-girlfriend and stay the night. And now he has a new girlfriend that he brings and stood 2 nights after she sleptover the week before. It happened when we were away.

So I talked to my husband about it and I told him how I feel about it. 

I told him I want a conversation with him that:

- this is not a motel, apartment, or a college dorm

- it is our home 

- it's sacred

- this is we're we are going to raise our kids

- this is our safe haven 

 

but he said:

- he is not a child anymore (he is 28)

- he is giving me some money as a rent

- he needs his own privacy

- he can have his girlfriend stay over every two weeks if he wants

- he said I am being unfair to him

- he said I'm stressing about it and that I am stressing him as well

- he said I have a different culture

- he said they weren't raised the way my parents raised me

 

Am I wrong to ask my husband to have a conversation with his brother how I feel about sleepovers and how my husband gave him a rule that he did not discuss to me and not considering what would be my thought about sleepovers?

I'm only 27 and got married when I was 25 so I don't know what else to tell my husband, he seemed to be not caring at all about this issue and that I am wrong.

I need some advise 

 

 

[regentrude]

Is this supposed to be a temporary situation for the homeless brother until he gets his own place soon, or is this supposed to be the brother's home?

If the former, a rule like you want is appropriate.  If the latter and the brother's supposed to live there in the long term, I find it inappropriate dictate to an adult what guests he can and cannot have .

I consider it normal for an adult to have overnight guests in the place where he lives. If this doesn't work for you,  you need to make it clear that you don't consider he really *living* with you,  but expect him to behave like a short term visitor.

[Tiberia]

Hi,

Welcome to TWTM community!

I agree with regentrude. I would encourage open and honest communication with your husband and then with your BIL about time frame. You both have valid points, but I think you need to find something you can all be comfortable with if this turns into a long-term situation. Set a move-out date for him if you all aren't comfortable with the arrangements. 

[Junie]

I think you need to be more clear with your BIL about what is expected:

Your husband said "guests can't stay the night like they live in our house".  Your BIL is probably thinking that staying a few nights a month is not the same as living in the house. 

I think that the three of you need to discuss exactly what is acceptable to all of you.  And if BIL is not willing to agree with you and your husband then he needs to move out.

[Ausmumof3]

Welcome to the forum.  I have to admit even from the first half of your post I could see where this was going to be honest.  I don’t think your brother in law is going to be happy long term to stay where he can’t have his girlfriends come over and you aren’t going to be happy long term with people coming or going.  Is the advantages of the situation enough to overcome that?   How much do you need the rent money?  How desperate is the brother for a better place to live?  

[gardenmom5]

your BIL is an adult - he's capable of making his own choices.  He's also capable to living with the consequences of refusing to follow rules.  (break the rules, get evicted.)

He knows he's breaking the agreement he made with you when you moved in.  He waited until you were gone to start having his gf spend the night.

Your dh sounds like he's afraid to say "no", and he's using the excuse of not the best upbringing.  What else will he use it for an excuse?   I'd strongly urge him to read "boundaries, when to say yes, how to say no".  He needs to develop some boundaries with his brother, and not feel like having them is being "mean".  Boundaries are healthy.

I almost never advise this - but I would seriously use good birth control each and every time until this is resolved satisfactorily - you don't want to bring kids into this.

 

eta: by "this" - I mean when you and your dh can't agree on such basic rules you will have in your house, and with your families.  Husband's and wives need to be united, especially with family.   You have to be able to communicate what you each want, and why, and come to an agreement both can support.  Or it will have a negative impact on your relationship.  When kids are in the picture - those relationships can be even more demanding.  So best to get on the same page now.

Edited April 3, 2021 by gardenmom5

[JustEm]

I think it is unreasonable to not allow a long term renter to have people stay the night occasionally.  That is not the same as people staying over like they live there and is clearly how you dh and his brother took it so to your bil he didn't break the rule your dh gave him.

I think, if that isn't the living situation you want for your family you need to first sit with your dh and figure out what a reasonable timeframe for bil moving out is and then sit down with bil to discuss that timeframe and how you guys can make that happen where he doesn't end back up in a bad living situation.

[bolt.]

It seems really important that you and your husband take some time to discuss your different perspectives about how you expect your new roommate to behave. The brother is not at fault because he was specifically told that he would be allowed to have overnight guests -- any trouble with that is a surprise to him. If the rules are going to be changed, he deserves fair warning.

Living with family is always complex, but the foundation of this arrangement is that he is renting a room -- and that means the room is his. He has paid for the space and he is right: control over occasional guests is not usually a landlord's business. It's intrusive and patronizing. He didn't sign up for living with a new set of parents. Or at least, he didn't realize that was what you were expecting.

If you want a 'sacred' home you need to have a private home where you don't rent parts of it to people who don't share your perspective. If you can talk your husband into setting new rules for his brother, the brother may agree and stay for a while: but it probably won't last. He will probably either move out or sneak around.

It was nice of you to try to help, but I think you need your house back.