How do you see your old age?

[Scarlett]

I am 56 this year.   My only child is 21. I have 2 step sons....one is pretty much my kid, one is not...but even so he has his own mother to worry about. I have no real retirement.  I will have a paid for home and very little monthly income.  No other debt.  How do you  envision your life in old age?   
 

The other day, my sweet son was talking to me about his worry about Dh and me.  I told him I take comfort in knowing my son won’t let me starve....but that he did not need to overly worry about it.  
 

I admit that I do worry about it.  
 

How about y’all? And for the record....I was never wreckless....but I am not sure that matters....I am still a human that will need care in my old age.

Edited March 24, 2021 by Scarlett

[Bootsie]

I have been thinking about this because the mother of one of my childhood friends recently had health issues and cannot stay in her home alone.  She was in rehab for about a month and begged everyday to go home.  She wants to be independent and is very stubborn about it.

My mom on the other hand wants to be some place for people to take care of her--even for things she does not need help with.  It is very important to her to feel that someone is taking care of her.  

I don't necessarily have a strong desire to stay in my own home, and hope I can graciously receive help when I need it.  At the same time, I can't see wanting help and to be taken care of while I am still capable of doing things for myself.  I hope I can maintain a balance.

DH is 13 years older than I am and has had some health issues.  I am more concerned about what will happen if there comes a day where he really needs more help than I am able to provide; I am not sure how well I would adjust to having someone in my home to care for him a good deal if I am still able to care for myself.  

[Guest]

I am setting things up so that we have good investments and income streams. We have rental properties and I expect that to continue providing us income until...whenever. Maybe forever, if one of our kids takes over managing the rentals, or if we sell them outright and invest the proceeds (after taxes). 

That’s how I see the financial aspect. I don’t know what health issues might affect how that plays out. 

[KungFuPanda]

OMG I hope I'm working.  If this year has taught me nothing it's that I need regular, productive tasks to do (with outside accountability) or I get both sluggish and antsy.  I THOUGHT I was cut out to stay at home because I've BEEN home for 25 years, but this year I wasn't teaching evening classes, or co-op classes, or raising children or running a school out of my living room.  If this was a glimpse at retirement I really don't want non-stop leisure activities.  It turns out I'm a border collie and I get a little out of sorts without a series of tasks lined up.  I enjoy leisure activities as much as the next person, but I need to mix it up.  I think I need some outside challenges to avoid living in a rut.  I've tried to relax and make the most of it.  I've enjoyed reading tons of books, but it's really enough already.

[Spy Car]

How do you see your old age?

By looking in the mirror. LOL.

Bill

[Tap]

I dread it. I see my life as only a conduit to help dd14 survive living in society. I gave up my own life the day I took her in (she came to me at 5mo).

It has been a bad day, so don't read on unless you want to hear some serious whining. 

I figure I will die young. The amount of stress and frustration I live under will either give me a heart attack, stroke or cancer. My divorce will be final any day. I have zero plans on dating again so I figure I will die alone. I just refinanced the house as part of the divorse so I will have a payment until I am 80. (no money to pay it off sooner). I have a small pension. I have a fair bit in a 401k, but living alone will be much more expensive that being married. I live in a high cost of living area, so I will have to relocate and leave everyone I know, or live here and be poor.  I have a permanent back injury so I already live everyday in pain. My stress level is at a 8 out of 10 on regular day, and it doesn't change (due to raising dd14). I changed jobs 2 years ago and advancement is seniority based. I am the lowest out of 8 people but also one of the oldest. I will not advance before I retire (unless there is a mass exodus and that would never happen). My boss continues to tell me I am the hardest working of all 8 of us, but it doesn't matter and it never will. There are no merit raises or perks. I will also always be the lowest paid due to this system. DD14 will never live independently. She will graduate with probably less than a 5th grade education. She can not handle any frustration, or she gets violent so she will never be able to work. She will have to live with me for the rest of my life. She is extremely, extremely draining. Most days, I hate to come home from work.....I can't even fathom being home full time. <><><Shudder<><><>

Edited March 26, 2021 by Tap

[bookbard]

My MIL ended up with nowhere really to live (she's in a nursing home now, covered by the govt till she passes). She had no real community, kept moving and renting and having no one to help her (except me!) So for me it's important to have a place to live and a community. Our property has 3 diff buildings on it, so if our kids need a place to live they could have one each or we could use them for rental, whatever is more urgent. We live in a very close-knit community with people who check on one another and provide hampers for the elderly, so we will continue to support that for ourselves and others. Having a place to live, having community around - those are the essentials. 

[Melissa Louise]

I fret about it. Single, low-income, renter...if I get to a point of not being able to work, I'll be in strife. Best case scenario for me would be to die while still in the workforce.

It's quite depressing, really, so I try.not to think about it. My hope, after watching a family member only 12 yrs older than me die horribly, is that I just drop down dead at some point. Like my grandma. She just died in her bedroom one day. Felt faint, drank a small glass of sherry, then...gone. 

Failing that, I hope euthanasia laws will have passed where I live in the next decade. I have zero interest in lingering for a period of extreme ill-health or dementia. I would not impose myself on my kids, and I wouldn't send a dog to live in aged care, let alone myself. 

[MercyA]

@Melissa Louise, if my mom needed to live with me, I wouldn't view it as an imposition. Just saying. ❤️

[Spy Car]

10 minutes ago, MercyA said:

@Melissa Louise, if my mom needed to live with me, I wouldn't view it as an imposition. Just saying. ❤️

I was overjoyed to have my very independent-minded mother spend the final year of her life living with us in our home. We had a lot of fun. I will always cherish that time. I know she did too.

Bill

 

[bookbard]

1 hour ago, Melissa Louise said:

I wouldn't send a dog to live in aged care, let alone myself. 

It isn't all bad. If it happens, the key is not-for-profit, small scale community-based organisations. The one my MIL is in has been there for nearly 200 years! Quite small and it's there for locals. I know some of the workers too, they're locals who enjoy the work. It's been great for my MIL as she was pretty lonely and now she's always got others to talk with. I'd avoid the huge for-profit centres, certainly. 

[Ausmumof3]

It probably sounds stupid but my mum died in her fifties and her mum died in her fifties and I wonder if that might be me as well.  

[MercyA]

7 minutes ago, bookbard said:

It isn't all bad. If it happens, the key is not-for-profit, small scale community-based organisations. The one my MIL is in has been there for nearly 200 years! Quite small and it's there for locals. I know some of the workers too, they're locals who enjoy the work. It's been great for my MIL as she was pretty lonely and now she's always got others to talk with. I'd avoid the huge for-profit centres, certainly. 

Yes, this. An elderly woman in my church gave her husband her word that she would move to a place like this when he was gone, and she did. She really liked it. Lots of people to talk to, things to do, no worries if she needed help. 

[MercyA]

8 minutes ago, Ausmumof3 said:

It probably sounds stupid but my mum died in her fifties and her mum died in her fifties and I wonder if that might be me as well.  

It doesn't sound stupid.  Praying this will not be the case for you! 

[MercyA]

Our west coast and Australian people are here this time of night, I see! It's 3 AM where I am. Off to bed. 🙂 

[Ausmumof3]

3 minutes ago, MercyA said:

Our west coast and Australian people are here this time of night, I see! It's 3 AM where I am. Off to bed. 🙂 

Ahh hope you get some sleep 😴

[Melissa Louise]

27 minutes ago, bookbard said:

It isn't all bad. If it happens, the key is not-for-profit, small scale community-based organisations. The one my MIL is in has been there for nearly 200 years! Quite small and it's there for locals. I know some of the workers too, they're locals who enjoy the work. It's been great for my MIL as she was pretty lonely and now she's always got others to talk with. I'd avoid the huge for-profit centres, certainly. 

I don't think you get much choice if you're not paying privately. It's go where there's a funded bed. My great grandma was in a nice place till she got dementia; then she was in a not so nice hospital till she died. I worked in a psycho-geriatric home at one stage - all I can say is please, God, let me die before I'm strapped into a chair because staff ratios are so low it's the only way to stop patients wandering.

I dunno. I used to have a rosy view of hospice too. Turns out for my Aunty she died in a place that wasn't the peaceful place of my fantasies. Her second last day she was in a noisy open room off a corridor, under sedation that wasn't heavy enough to let her be peaceful, so that she kept waking, confused...and someone had dressed her in crumpled clothes and left her poor feet bare, and she was sort of sideways on the bed. After months of uncontrollable pain, that's all this (worked at a professional job her entire life woman) could access in her last days. Small, Catholic run, and a literal hell. She had to throw herself out of bed to get doctors to give her palliative sedation.

There is no guarantee of dignity and care for the fragile elderly, the disabled elderly, the mentally ill elderly or the elderly without resources. Or even the non-elderly with resources!

I was 100% against euthanasia till three months ago. 

 

[bookbard]

So sorry. There are some terrible stories - hence the royal commission right now. 

[Laura Corin]

If current social structures hold:

- our house is paid off and we have the UK State pension plus some US SS; together they are small but adequate (so I may not be able to run a car, but I can afford heat and food and to take buses)

- the house we moved into last summer is in a walkable village, and can be easily divided into two flats (existing separate entrance), so that we can rent out some of it, or alternatively give accommodation to a carer.  It is an easy bus trip to supermarkets, doctors, dentists, etc.

- we have some other savings that are set aside for elderly care

- I intend to work until at least age 67, which is when I will receive my State pension.  Recent research suggests that the happiest people work one day a week, so if I can carry on doing that, that might be good.  My employer has a 'casual contract' list to cover absences, so joining that after official retirement and doing blocks of time when I fancy might be easier.  My mother was probably capable of working well into her seventies and is relatively healthy at 96, so I need to think long term.

- the NHS is free at the point of need

- I have two children who will feel responsible for me, but I'd like to make their lives as simple as possible.  I'm thinking of a family conference, after the worst of the pandemic is past, to discuss expectations, etc.

- ETA: I eat well, exercise and have started to study at my local university (just for pleasure/stimulation) so I'm trying to age as well as I can

- ETA: I'm trying to think hard about attitude

Edited March 24, 2021 by Laura Corin

[Guest]

7 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

OMG I hope I'm working.  If this year has taught me nothing it's that I need regular, productive tasks to do (with outside accountability) or I get both sluggish and antsy.  I THOUGHT I was cut out to stay at home because I've BEEN home for 25 years, but this year I wasn't teaching evening classes, or co-op classes, or raising children or running a school out of my living room.  If this was a glimpse at retirement I really don't want non-stop leisure activities.  It turns out I'm a border collie and I get a little out of sorts without a series of tasks lined up.  I enjoy leisure activities as much as the next person, but I need to mix it up.  I think I need some outside challenges to avoid living in a rut.  I've tried to relax and make the most of it.  I've enjoyed reading tons of books, but it's really enough already.

This is exactly what I have discovered since working for the law firm. I don’t think I realized that without tasks to put my brain on (tasks someone pays me for) I make up tasks to do (like put up twenty thousand posts on a message board...) 

I am now in a couple FIRE groups on Reddit (Financially Independent Retiring Early), but for me, I am focused on the FI- part of that equation because, having been home for 20 years, I know that’s not what I want for a while. 

[Guest]

34 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

the house we moved into last summer is in a walkable village, and can be easily divided into two flats (existing separate entrance), so that we can rent out some of it, or alternatively give accommodation to a carer.  It is an easy bus trip to supermarkets, doctors, dentists, etc.

This is one piece that I hope to execute in six years, if not sooner. If everything moves forward at the expected pace, ds16 will be graduating from university by then and if we are still living in our big house is an extremely unwalkable, unbikeable location, I want to move. Ideally, I would like to be somewhere I can safely walk to: grocery store, post office, bank, park, church and library.

Actually, one of our rental houses fits those requirements; it’s just not that great a house otherwise. I have thought before that if something happened to dh in an untimely manner, I would not mind living in that little house. But as it is currently, it has no garage and I don’t think dh would ever agree to living somewhere with no garage, lol. 

[Pawz4me]

Financially I will likely be fine. But as far as health I don't see good things. I will say that after coming to terms with DH's metastatic cancer diagnosis a few years ago (it took a year or so to do that; after his diagnosis I lived fearing he was going to die in the next few months) I really did learn to live in the moment and not look (too far) to the future. It's not as impossible to do as I once thought it was, but see my first sentence. That's a big factor in making it not an impossible thing to do, at least for me.

[Soror]

I'd like us to have time puttering around the house doing this and that projects. Spending ample time with children and grandchildren. And jetting off now and again to travel the country and internationally. 

I'd like dh to retire early and looking at the numbers we are on track but dh is convinced he will be working until late 60s. I'd rather him retire in his 50s. I'm trying to get him to take better care of himself as I fear I'll be alone for too much of it. It is hard with his full+ time job plus college, he has so little time and mental/physical energy to spare. I've considered going back to school after my kids are no longer at home and dh has finished his college (another 3-4 yrs) but we'll see how it plays out. I've also thought about getting a job. Right now it is hard to think of things I'd enjoy doing because I want to be home more than any job out there.

 

[DawnM]

We will be ok financially.   We have saved for retirement all along.   I need to work on my health a bit.   

[Carrie12345]

We still have a lot of work to do on our financial goals, but the plan is decent.

This year has been discouraging as far as working on physical health, but the weather change might help me turn a corner. There’s a good bit of work to do there. I *like exercising and I *like eating well... just not as much as I’ve been enjoying being a slug and eating comfort food. But half the battle is wanting and enjoying it, right? Right???

All of my grandparents (minus one who died of cancer young) were active and/or independent well into their 70s. My other grandfather died of cancer at 79. And then my grandmothers both hit mental declines around 80. So that’s the part I worry about.

What I hope for from my kids, just based on odds, is that at least a few of them keep tabs on the quality of my care if my mental status leaves me vulnerable. There were no serious complaints about my grandmother’s care. She had family keeping tabs and fixing any small problems quickly. We were there to celebrate her 90th birthday just months before COVID swept through, and is likely what took her quickly.

I don’t particularly want to make it to 90, but that’s what I plan for.

[Scarlett]

6 hours ago, Melissa Louise said:

I fret about it. Single, low-income, renter...if I get to a point of not being able to work, I'll be in strife. Best case scenario for me would be to die while still in the workforce.

It's quite depressing, really, so I try.not to think about it. My hope, after watching a family member only 12 yrs older than me die horribly, is that I just drop down dead at some point. Like my grandma. She just died in her bedroom one day. Felt faint, drank a small glass of sherry, then...gone. 

Failing that, I hope euthanasia laws will have passed where I live in the next decade. I have zero interest in lingering for a period of extreme ill-health or dementia. I would not impose myself on my kids, and I wouldn't send a dog to live in aged care, let alone myself. 

 

5 hours ago, MercyA said:

@Melissa Louise, if my mom needed to live with me, I wouldn't view it as an imposition. Just saying. ❤️

Exactly. It is a privilege to care for those we love. 

[historically accurate]

I'm not sure. My family is not a long-lived bunch - I don't think anyone besides my super-health food nut/trick roping grandfather lived to 80. So, although financially, I am trying to have enough money to live into my 90s, I very seriously doubt I'll live that long. DH's family, on the other hand, all live into their 80s and 90s. So, he might end up alone for a while. We'll see.

My plan is to return to the workforce at around age 50, when youngest graduates. I'll work, hopefully, until about age 65-70. Then, I don't know. 

Financially, we will neither have a paid off house nor a lot of travel money. We may be able to wrangle enough for a camper to travel if our health holds to allow. We should have enough $ to live, but extras may be hard to swing. Kids will probably be scattered as one DD loves heat and beaches and one DD is completely heat intolerant, so we might have to travel from Florida to Alaska to visit LOL!

[Laura Corin]

17 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Exactly. It is a privilege to care for those we love. 

But sometimes, through no fault of their own, it is beyond the capabilities of an individual who is trying to care.  We cannot always know decades in advance who will be able to do the caring, for all kinds of reasons. 

[mlktwins]

Deleted as I'm just very emotional right now.

I would say DH and I want to make decisions that will let us age in place as gracefully as possible and place the least amount of burden on our boys!  Especially if they have families with kids 18 and under.  

 

Edited March 24, 2021 by mlktwins

[Annie G]

1 minute ago, Laura Corin said:

But sometimes, through no fault of their own, it is beyond the capabilities of an individual who is trying to care.  We cannot always know decades in advance who will be able to do the caring, for all kinds of reasons. 

And even if you fully intend to do the caring, it may well be beyond you ability. We found that out with MIL, who had some pretty awful dementia that  included hallucinations that she was being molested. she needed more help than we could give.

[Laura Corin]

@mlktwins I've been there and it's really hard. 

[chiguirre]

7 hours ago, Tap said:

I dread it.

I was where you are with GW 7 years ago. It got better. I honestly didn't think it would, I fantasized about abandoning him at the mental health emergency room on his 18th birthday because it helped me get through the day. He would stalk me and I constantly had to watch my back (literally). 

His behavior changed even though his meds didn't as he finished puberty. I also added L. Reuteri and that helped his language develop a bit more which reduced his frustration. (Warning: L. Reuteri made my other son more aware of his social deficits and increased his anxiety and depression.)

Now I feel he can live with us longer term, but we'll still need to find him a group home and sheltered workshop and those are monumental tasks. There's so little available and most of it isn't really suited to his needs. Plus, we need to find ds2 a job (with help from his young adult program) and eventually a group home or supervised apartment that meets his needs.

I will be doing the mom thing packing lunches and chauffeuring my sons until I'm 65. If we do find them good living situations, I'd like to find a volunteer gig.

Financially, we'll be fine. But even having financial resources doesn't solve my other issues. 

[chiguirre]

7 hours ago, Melissa Louise said:

Failing that, I hope euthanasia laws will have passed where I live in the next decade.

Our gun laws are our euthanasia laws. 

(This is my plan if I ever get a bad diagnosis. I'm not suicidal but I'd rather it be quick than the horror my MIL went through.)

[BlsdMama]

 "Who of you, by worrying, can add a single hour to his life?” (Matthew 6:27).

I understand this in a whole different way now.  We fret and fuss as though we have control over our lives.  Given the crazy of the past couple of years, I think it is foolish to believe we have an incredible amount of control.

Plan well.  Execute to the best of your ability, but will be, will be.  Who would have guessed we'd end up with a retirement withdrawal so we could make a house ADA accessible? Who knew it was likely my life insurance would refund his retirement? 

Ya'all, we attempt to work ourselves into the comfort of a mirage of control.  I am enjoying the mirage being broken.  It makes me feel vulnerable, but I appreciate the honesty of it.

[mlktwins]

17 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

@mlktwins I've been there and it's really hard. 

I'm sorry you've been there too, but Thank You!  Lots of tears and frustration and worry.  And...so hard!  No one prepares you for this -- at all!

[BlsdMama]

4 minutes ago, chiguirre said:

Our gun laws are our euthanasia laws. 

(This is my plan if I ever get a bad diagnosis. I'm not suicidal but I'd rather it be quick than the horror my MIL went through.)

This nearly made me vomit.  But I'm trying not to take it to personal...  I've heard my Dad say the same thing and he didn't mean it to hurt, but I pray he didn't mean it at all.  

We cannot pretend there is no value in suffering.  There is value in both care giving and being in cared for.  Humanness cannot be minimized to only doing things that make us happy.  There is an incredible amount of suffering in life and it is then that we learn valuable things, as do those around us.  

Be wary of saying this around your children.  It is a dangerous thing to present them with a solution to a hard life.  My dad said this my whole life.  I'll be honest in saying, it was one of the first things I thought of -a quick and easy trip out to Oregon.  Too bad I could only see about an inch in front of my face.  I would have missed out on some really good years after the diagnosis to help my kids through the diagnosis and begin to prepare them.

[hippymamato3]

11 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I am 56 this year.   My only child is 21. I have 2 step sons....one is pretty much my kid, one is not...but even so he has his own mother to worry about. I have no real retirement.  I will have a paid for home and very little monthly income.  No other debt.  How do you  envision your life in old age?   
 

The other day, my sweet son was talking to me about his worry about Dh and me.  I told him I take comfort in knowing my son won’t let me starve....but that he did not need to overly worry about it.  
 

I admit that I do worry about it.  
 

How about y’all? And for the record....I was never wreckless....but I am not sure that matters....I am still a human that will need care in my old age.

I'm so glad you are back in contact with your son!! ❤️ 

[MercyA]

5 hours ago, Melissa Louise said:

There is no guarantee of dignity and care for the fragile elderly, the disabled elderly, the mentally ill elderly or the elderly without resources. Or even the non-elderly with resources!

This is a horror that needs to be remedied, somehow. It should be one of the highest priorities for all countries.

I was listening to a story on NPR once about a European country (I'm sorry I don't remember which one! ) and the man being interviewed said that yes, he paid almost half his income in taxes, but he never ever has to worry about himself or his family or friends not being taken care of if they are aged or ill. He said this made people very happy with life.

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, Laura Corin said:

But sometimes, through no fault of their own, it is beyond the capabilities of an individual who is trying to care.  We cannot always know decades in advance who will be able to do the caring, for all kinds of reasons. 

Correct.  My comment was not a judgment on someone being unable to care for a loved one.  It was in response to the idea that she would be an imposition to her children. 

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, BlsdMama said:

 "Who of you, by worrying, can add a single hour to his life?” (Matthew 6:27).

I understand this in a whole different way now.  We fret and fuss as though we have control over our lives.  Given the crazy of the past couple of years, I think it is foolish to believe we have an incredible amount of control.

Plan well.  Execute to the best of your ability, but will be, will be.  Who would have guessed we'd end up with a retirement withdrawal so we could make a house ADA accessible? Who knew it was likely my life insurance would refund his retirement? 

Ya'all, we attempt to work ourselves into the comfort of a mirage of control.  I am enjoying the mirage being broken.  It makes me feel vulnerable, but I appreciate the honesty of it.

I was in a mood last night, thus my post.  Generally though I do try to not worry about things.  I have done my best.  I made choices others might not have made but I wanted to be home with my son and I did accomplish that.

[SKL]

Honestly, I refuse to worry about it.  Most likely the amount of control we have over it is minimal, and most likely our family / community isn't going to let us starve.

What I do / plan to do:

• Try to build a life that will be as low-maintenance as I can make it.  Try to be debt free, keep the house maintained / low-maintenance, make healthy choices, and keep my personal business in order.
• Live in a community that provides access to important amenities for older people, such as a bus to the rec center and health appointments.
• Try to have at least some good relationships with people who would hopefully care (and could do something) if I was alone and in need.
• Have some lasting things that can hopefully sustain a decent quality of life, such as books, music, and musical instruments.
• To the extent my health allows, I plan to try to go places often after I retire, such as the rec center, church, library programs, park paths, museums, personal care places, etc.  I believe that such activities will extend the health of my body and mind (and also contribute to others' health / happiness).

[mlktwins]

3 minutes ago, SKL said:

• Try to build a life that will be as low-maintenance as I can make it.  Try to be debt free, keep the house maintained / low-maintenance, make healthy choices, and keep my personal business in order.
• Live in a community that provides access to important amenities for older people, such as a bus to the rec center and health appointments.
• Try to have at least some good relationships with people who would hopefully care (and could do something) if I was alone and in need.
• Have some lasting things that can hopefully sustain a decent quality of life, such as books, music, and musical instruments.
• To the extent my health allows, I plan to try to go places often after I retire, such as the rec center, church, library programs, park paths, museums, personal care places, etc.  I believe that such activities will extend the health of my body and mind (and also contribute to others' health / happiness).

YES to all of this!  

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, SKL said:

Honestly, I refuse to worry about it.  Most likely the amount of control we have over it is minimal, and most likely our family / community isn't going to let us starve.

What I do / plan to do:

• Try to build a life that will be as low-maintenance as I can make it.  Try to be debt free, keep the house maintained / low-maintenance, make healthy choices, and keep my personal business in order.
• Live in a community that provides access to important amenities for older people, such as a bus to the rec center and health appointments.
• Try to have at least some good relationships with people who would hopefully care (and could do something) if I was alone and in need.
• Have some lasting things that can hopefully sustain a decent quality of life, such as books, music, and musical instruments.
• To the extent my health allows, I plan to try to go places often after I retire, such as the rec center, church, library programs, park paths, museums, personal care places, etc.  I believe that such activities will extend the health of my body and mind (and also contribute to others' health / happiness).

Those are all really good goals.  Actually they are all my goals too, although I had not articulated them as well as you.

[Scarlett]

5 minutes ago, SKL said:

Honestly, I refuse to worry about it.  Most likely the amount of control we have over it is minimal, and most likely our family / community isn't going to let us starve.

What I do / plan to do:

• Try to build a life that will be as low-maintenance as I can make it.  Try to be debt free, keep the house maintained / low-maintenance, make healthy choices, and keep my personal business in order.
• Live in a community that provides access to important amenities for older people, such as a bus to the rec center and health appointments.
• Try to have at least some good relationships with people who would hopefully care (and could do something) if I was alone and in need.
• Have some lasting things that can hopefully sustain a decent quality of life, such as books, music, and musical instruments.
• To the extent my health allows, I plan to try to go places often after I retire, such as the rec center, church, library programs, park paths, museums, personal care places, etc.  I believe that such activities will extend the health of my body and mind (and also contribute to others' health / happiness).

The bolded is the one I am not able to fully wrap my head around since we have always lived where a car is an absolute necessity.  My sister is moving closer to their kids.  The first place they thought they were getting was walkable to everything she would need.  That deal fell through though and now they will be about a mile from town....not sure that would be walkable. But they will be near their kids.

[Annie G]

Dh retired at age 60, nearly 2 years ago. His job was stressful, he was further stressed by his parents’ illnesses, and his health made us wary to delay retirement. He has 8 stents in his heart and has had a bypass, and his right side is 100% blocked.  So we are doing what we can now...staying super busy and doing things that we might not be able to do in 10 years. 

‘Routine is very important. Having a list of things to accomplish is a big help.  Doing things for the community are as rewarding as a paid job.

The only real issue is that due to his health he’s not as able to do what I can do so I mostly go at his pace. We’re working on fixing that because If I don’t push myself my health will suffer. For instance, he is pushing it to walk a mile at a slow pace.  I need to do 2-3 miles at a much faster pace.  I want to cycle as I always have but he struggles to ride slowly and for a mile or two.  So working on him feeling left behind and me feeling selfish for wanting to leave him behind. But we’ll work it out. We have talked and are getting there...

Financially we’re fine. We live a pretty simple life. If something catastrophic happens like a depression, we’ll be in the same boat as everyone...sinking. I mean, you can never be totally sure you’re financially set. Though if I had a billion dollars like Kylie Jenner, yeah, I’d feel 100% secure. g
Two of our 4 kids are nearby and willing to help us, and in fact already do when needed. However, we’ve had talks with them about not feeling obligated to care for us if it’s overwhelming. They’ve seen what caring for our parents has done to us. We absolutely wanted to do it for our parents but that doesn’t mean there hasn’t been an enormous price to pay. It was HARD to care for his folks, and my dad is the only one left and he’s beyond difficult. It’s tough on a relationship.  (The other two who aren’t planning to help us? I’m totally cool with that. It’s not for everyone, and no hard feelings.)
 

[Pawz4me]

4 minutes ago, Annie G said:

If I don’t push myself my health will suffer. For instance, he is pushing it to walk a mile at a slow pace.  I need to do 2-3 miles at a much faster pace.  I want to cycle as I always have but he struggles to ride slowly and for a mile or two.  So working on him feeling left behind and me feeling selfish for wanting to leave him behind.

This is a big thing I struggle with, too.

[chiguirre]

1 hour ago, BlsdMama said:

This nearly made me vomit.  But I'm trying not to take it to personal...  I've heard my Dad say the same thing and he didn't mean it to hurt, but I pray he didn't mean it at all.  

We cannot pretend there is no value in suffering.  There is value in both care giving and being in cared for.  Humanness cannot be minimized to only doing things that make us happy.  There is an incredible amount of suffering in life and it is then that we learn valuable things, as do those around us.  

Be wary of saying this around your children.  It is a dangerous thing to present them with a solution to a hard life.  My dad said this my whole life.  I'll be honest in saying, it was one of the first things I thought of -a quick and easy trip out to Oregon.  Too bad I could only see about an inch in front of my face.  I would have missed out on some really good years after the diagnosis to help my kids through the diagnosis and begin to prepare them.

Why on earth would my preferences be a personal affront to you? 

I think you're forgetting that my children are well acquainted with suffering and making the best of a bad situation.

If you think suffering is a valuable experience, I'm truly glad that gives meaning to your life. I'm more of a stoic. Make the best of your life and know that you can end it if it becomes unbearable. That's a source of comfort to me. 

[ScoutTN]

Financially, not good. Not destitute, but not comfortably middle class either. No retirement until we cannot work. No traveling. 

Relationally, not great. Not looking forward to another 20-30 yrs with my Dh. Sad, but true. I expect he feels similarly about me. 

Some extremely difficult things this year have made me realize that I need to take better care of myself. Working on that! 
 

I do cherish community and am happy to have great friends, a church, meaningful paid work and volunteer work, and some time to invest in hobbies that have connectivity inherent in them. I hope these things will continue to be true in my life.

I hope to live to see my kids launched. 

 

 

[Scarlett]

One thing is that I can't see myself living in this town until I die.  If I had not moved my parents here 4 years ago we would have left here 2 years ago when some things in our life completely went off the rails.  I barely stomach it here most days.  I just have the sense that I want to go 'home' but that place doesn't exist anymore--in more ways than one.  I do like my  job.  I could support myself with this job and I am valued and it is flexible.  But I would much prefer to move closer to dh's job....which will not happen as long as both my parents are living.  

Our house is nice and in a very nice neighborhood.  And I have a pool on 1/2 acre.  I ponder if I would stay in this house.  We have an apartment that could be rented out for extra income so that is an option. Or if things were tight enough and I was widowed I could rent out the house and live in the apartment.  

Who knows though. Things can change in an instant.

[mlktwins]

23 hours ago, Annie G said:

They’ve seen what caring for our parents has done to us. We absolutely wanted to do it for our parents but that doesn’t mean there hasn’t been an enormous price to pay. It was HARD to care for his folks, and my dad is the only one left and he’s beyond difficult. It’s tough on a relationship.  
 

YES!!!!  I'm literally a shell of the person I was 2 years ago since caring for my dad - he is my difficult one.  Huge, huge toll!  Hope to find myself again one day :-). 

    

Edited March 25, 2021 by mlktwins
Removed some stuff...