katilac Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 24 minutes ago, hippymamato3 said: Yes, but the registry was never mentioned in a wedding invitation or in that same envelope. Registry info would go out with shower invites or by word of mouth. What is the difference if it goes out in the shower invite versus the wedding invite? The shower invite is more practical, because it gives people more time, but I don't see how it's any more polite. I didn't have a registry for my wedding, ftr, I just don't see the difference. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hippymamato3 Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 4 minutes ago, katilac said: What is the difference if it goes out in the shower invite versus the wedding invite? The shower invite is more practical, because it gives people more time, but I don't see how it's any more polite. I didn't have a registry for my wedding, ftr, I just don't see the difference. I think it's because a wedding invite is from the bridge & groom - so asking for gifts is inappropriate and rude. A shower is thrown by someone else, so they are making gift suggestions but it's less rude. This is just what I was taught. lol 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 (edited) 28 minutes ago, marbel said: Not arguing with you, because you know what you would like and no like, just continuing the conversation.... I'm thinking about this. If I know someone well enough to be invited to their wedding, I would have some idea of their food/drink preferences, right? I couldn't tell you what food and drink preferences of any of the people whose weddings I've attended. I couldn't tell you what food and drink preferences most of my close friends and family (who have never lived in my house) have. Almost every meal situation I've experienced with close friends and family is a potluck of some sort where everyone contributes whatever they want to contribute and everyone picks and chooses from that what to eat. No one is spending a moment's thought on what other people are choosing or bringing. Or it's at a restaurant and people pick and choose from the menus. No one is keeping mental track of what other people are ordering. Edited March 22, 2021 by Homeschool Mom in AZ 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 11 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said: I couldn't tell you what food and drink preferences of any of the people whose weddings I've attended. I couldn't tell you what food and drink preferences most of my close friends and family (who have never lived in my house) have. Almost every meal situation I've experienced with close friends and family is a potluck of some sort where everyone contributes whatever they want to contribute and everyone picks and chooses from that what to eat. No one is spending a moment's thought on what other people are choosing or bringing. Or it's at a restaurant and people pick and choose from the menus. No one is keeping mental track of what other people are ordering. Interesting! I am thinking about people I know (not that any of them are getting married) and I have a general idea of who drinks sweet sherry, who likes craft beer, who likes/doesn't like chocolate... you get the idea. I can't think of anyone in my social circle (which is admittedly fairly small) or family that I could not confidently buy a consumable gift for after having been in their house, had them at my house, etc. (Well except my MIL and FIL but they are legendary in the family for liking nothing!) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kassia Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 52 minutes ago, marbel said: I remember my parents being invited to the weddings of my dad's co-worker's kids -- I've never understood why people do that, but whatever, it was/is done. So anyway in that case, an invited guest would not know the couple's preferences. My mother insisted on doing this at my wedding. It was awkward. And we were just invited to a wedding for the dd of a distant friend of mine - the wedding is in Mexico next January at a fancy all-inclusive resort. You have to stay at that resort in order to attend the wedding. I don't know why we were invited - the daughter wouldn't know me if she bumped right into me. 43 minutes ago, katilac said: . I didn't have a registry for my wedding, ftr, I just don't see the difference. We didn't either, but I wish we did. 38 minutes ago, hippymamato3 said: I think it's because a wedding invite is from the bridge & groom All the weddings we've been invited to and/or attended (including our own) have always been invites from the parents and not the couple. But I don't like the mention of gifts on the wedding invite. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 1 hour ago, historically accurate said: This thread makes me never want to buy a gift again! It especially makes it so I never, ever want to have my DD's get married and have to navigate this. So many "rules", "non-rules", and chances to offend. It doesn't have to be so hard. There aren't that many rules: The happy couple sets a date. They choose a location based on what they can afford. They invite family and friends. If they send written invitations because the wedding will be too big to invite personally, use the sample, traditional wording. They get married, and then they send written thank-yous to anyone who sent gifts. They live happily ever after. The end. If someone you know is getting married and you feel so inclined, buy the happy couple a gift. The happy couple, being polite, will thank you graciously in writing. Buy something you like, or something you think a newly-wed couple could use. It really is the thought that counts. The happy couple can keep the gift or exchange it for something else, including cash. Your job is never to ask about the gift once you have given it. Their job is to thank you for it. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 I agree that it's gotten awkward to decide on gifts for people who have long since set up housekeeping together. When my sister got married, I did buy her some towels from her registry, but my main gift was to pay for her and all of her bridesmaids to have a spa day together the day before the wedding. Massage, facial, manicure, pedicure, hair. I think it was appreciated by all, and it didn't take up any space or come up for purge review every several years. 🙂 4 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 8 minutes ago, marbel said: Interesting! I am thinking about people I know (not that any of them are getting married) and I have a general idea of who drinks sweet sherry, who likes craft beer, who likes/doesn't like chocolate... you get the idea. I can't think of anyone in my social circle (which is admittedly fairly small) or family that I could not confidently buy a consumable gift for after having been in their house, had them at my house, etc. (Well except my MIL and FIL but they are legendary in the family for liking nothing!) But how would you know you're right? They're not going to tell you that yes, they like sherry, but not the particular brand you selected to gift them. Or that they don't like chocolate, but that would leave a huge range of other foods you wouldn't necessarily know about, many of which they will like and plenty they won't like. And craft beer drinkers are usually highly selective with specific preferences and disklikes. I'm married to one and I only buy what's on his list and the list is specific to both the brand and type of brew. A few people in my circles could probably tell you like tea, but odds are very slim they would know I hate earl grey and black teas, dislike fruity flavored teas, and I only drink greenteas and herbal teas. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 (edited) 33 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said: But how would you know you're right? They're not going to tell you that yes, they like sherry, but not the particular brand you selected to gift them. Or that they don't like chocolate, but that would leave a huge range of other foods you wouldn't necessarily know about, many of which they will like and plenty they won't like. And craft beer drinkers are usually highly selective with specific preferences and disklikes. I'm married to one and I only buy what's on his list and the list is specific to both the brand and type of brew. A few people in my circles could probably tell you like tea, but odds are very slim they would know I hate earl grey and black teas, dislike fruity flavored teas, and I only drink greenteas and herbal teas. Well, all I can say to that is... if I know someone likes Malbec, and I give a bottle of something they may or may not have previously had, they will accept it graciously, will probably try it at some point, and either like it or not like it. So I may have given them something they will drink one glass of and toss out, or introduce them to a new wine they love. If when I give it to them they already know it's something they dislike, they will still accept it graciously, and give it away when they need a bottle to take to someone's house. I mean, that's how it works when I receive a gift like that. People (in general) try new things now and then, right? So much the better if they can experiment with something someone else bought. I don't know, in my world consumable gifts do not have to be so perfectly specific. But obviously we can disagree about that. ETA: taking the thought further, there is no way ever to know that a gift is welcome/will be enjoyed, unless people exchange very specific lists. An example I'm thinking of: I have a friend who likes to sew using fat quarters of fabric. I know her general taste in colors, types of patterns, etc. So if I give her a gift of fat quarters I am reasonably certain she will like it. But, I can't be absolutely, positively sure without a doubt she will like what I've picked, unless I have a specific list of fabrics that she wants. Edited March 22, 2021 by marbel 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 15 hours ago, Annie G said: Help me out here. Dh’s longtime friend (childhood) is getting married in May and the wedding invite clearly says no gifts. Not debating whether that’s tacky or not, but it says that. They’re both 60ish and have been married before. I assumed we were expected to respect the invite, but are you saying that we’re really supposed to bring a gift? Oh, yes, absolutely, but a small one that is meaningful rather than substantial. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 (edited) In response to the whole thread: I guess I was giving experiences before it was trendy. When my sister got married, they were not planning on a honeymoon, so I asked her whether she would like us to buy them one. She was pretty happy about that, and I researched B and B’s and got them a couple of nights at a nice one in driving range. That was PERSONAL though. Whereas if they had planned an expensive trip that they couldn’t afford, to me it would have been impersonal to contribute a check toward it. Regarding what you register for if you already have two kitchens set up, that’s why DH and I registered for good china. We already had everyday stuff, two sets of it actually. Then my mom more or less leaned on us to register for silver as well, which I thought was pretentious but which we have actually really enjoyed so there you go. We happened to pick an older pattern that had had a lot of unusual pieces in production over the years, and it was kind of fun to run across, say, salt spoons in our pattern at an antique show or whatever. Also, we registered for kitchen stuff that we didn’t already have at Williams Sonoma, and that was awesome. Things like a Belgian waffle maker, or crystal cruets for oil and vinegar, or nice tablecloths, or a clay cooker, or even pots and pans. There were a few things that turned out to be clunkers, like the asparagus plates, but most of what we registered for there turned out to be really welcome. It’s important to have a variety on the registry, and also a variety of price points so that people are not boxed into spending too much—that’s SO not the point. We did get 3-4 rice cookers, which were all the rage then and which we returned, and an electric wok, which I ended up not using as I liked my old carbon steel one better, but by and large the gifts on our registry were varied and welcome. Regarding the ‘no presents’ thing, I agree that it is rude to put an reference to presents in the invitation, but I do like the fact that wedding websites are a thing now. It makes it easier to know the personal stories that might not be in general circulation, and to know what to expect at the wedding, and also links to the registries are there. I would not personally fail to have a present either brought or sent for any wedding or birthday party or baby shower/celebration/baptism that I attended. YMMV but that’s just how I roll, and I think it’s the pretty typical stance. Anniversary parties are perhaps an exception, but even then, something small but meaningful/personal is nice to bring to gift even if the invitation says, Your presence is the only gift we desire. Edited March 22, 2021 by Carol in Cal. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 (edited) If I was getting married nowadays and knew I wanted cash, but also knew that people would want to send me gifts, I’d schedule time to return gifts for cash. When it’s time for the wedding shower, I wouldn’t say anything in writing about gifts. When people ask (text), “Are they registered somewhere...?” then I’d say, “They’re not registered anywhere. They’re really hoping to go on a trip to Italy and I know they’d love a donation toward that.” I’d include that information on a wedding website (if I had one.) And then, if people give them money, yay. And if they don’t...return the item and get the cash. Edited March 22, 2021 by Garga 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 16 hours ago, Annie G said: Help me out here. Dh’s longtime friend (childhood) is getting married in May and the wedding invite clearly says no gifts. Not debating whether that’s tacky or not, but it says that. They’re both 60ish and have been married before. I assumed we were expected to respect the invite, but are you saying that we’re really supposed to bring a gift? This is a case where I would figure out a really personal gift for them, not necessarily big (in fact, probably not big) but meaningful. Ideas might be—a lovely picture frame for their new wedding picture. Handwoven dishtowels (because I weave). Knitted coordinating scarves (because I knit) that are my own design. Or a woven or knitted lap blanket for two. A little scrapbook with some handwritten memories in the first few pages and ‘Add your own special memories’ heading up the blank ones in the rest of the book. Flowers every month for a year. That way you’ve done something special to mark both your special friendship and this special milestone for them, but not cluttered them up with a bunch of unneeded stuff or an impersonal gift of money. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 2 hours ago, marbel said: Not arguing with you, because you know what you would like and not like, just continuing the conversation.... I'm thinking about this. If I know someone well enough to be invited to their wedding, I would have some idea of their food/drink preferences, right? I'm thinking specifically of people getting married in mid-life, not a young couple. I remember my parents being invited to the weddings of my dad's co-worker's kids -- I've never understood why people do that, but whatever, it was/is done. So anyway in that case, an invited guest would not know the couple's preferences. But an older couple getting married, they are going to invite friends and family, right, not people they don't even know. So it seems reasonable to think I'd know if they'd like a bottle of red wine, or of bourbon, or a nice gift box of coffee or tea. And in any case, food gifts can also be given away, or saved for entertaining. If it were me, I'd not want gifts. But I'd certainly be delighted to receive, say, a bottle of wine or some nice coffee or tea. And I can't imagine anyone I'd invite to my wedding not knowing what sorts of things I'd enjoy. You would think guests would know, right? But this guy....drives me crazy. He ignored ds’s attempts at contact for years, but when he does initiate contact he’s like oh you’re my BEST FRIEND EVER. So we haven’t seen him in 2 years. Haven’t heard from him at all. Not once. So we’ve never met her and have had two meals w him in 35 years. No idea if they drink, what they eat, or anything. Dh and I don’t drink so even choosing wine isn’t our norm. They’re financially secure so money feels weird. So a card and handwritten note it is. I was actually hoping dh would forget to rsvp but the guy actually called on his way to work today and in a rush asked if we’re coming or not. We got the invitation a few days ago and the wedding is in May. So yeah, no hi how are you, just a ‘I didn;t invite many people but you made the cut and are you coming’. Exact words. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
easypeasy Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 You're probably right and this is the way of the future, but mannnn, it makes me sad. I love choosing wedding presents. I love the idea of setting a couple up for their new beginning. There's just something so satisfying about it. I still have gifts from our wedding ages ago and every time I light candles in the candlesticks my now-deceased uncle bought for us, I smile. When I use the goofy cake stand my FIL bought us, I grin. When we toast with the champagne glasses that weren't tagged so I never sent a thank you note, I feel a little guilty. lol! I LOVE having those kinds of memories attached to certain things. I have no idea who gave us cash - though I'm sure we appreciated it more than the cake stands and the candle sticks and used it to pay bills in those early days! 😄 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 2 minutes ago, Annie G said: You would think guests would know, right? But this guy....drives me crazy. He ignored ds’s attempts at contact for years, but when he does initiate contact he’s like oh you’re my BEST FRIEND EVER. So we haven’t seen him in 2 years. Haven’t heard from him at all. Not once. So we’ve never met her and have had two meals w him in 35 years. No idea if they drink, what they eat, or anything. Dh and I don’t drink so even choosing wine isn’t our norm. They’re financially secure so money feels weird. So a card and handwritten note it is. I was actually hoping dh would forget to rsvp but the guy actually called on his way to work today and in a rush asked if we’re coming or not. We got the invitation a few days ago and the wedding is in May. So yeah, no hi how are you, just a ‘I didn;t invite many people but you made the cut and are you coming’. Exact words. My husband grew up in a tight knit neighborhood, 2000 miles away from where we live. He has friends like that, that always lived in his block growing up, and when we got married he invited all of them. Most of them did not reply, but this does not mean that they are not close, even though they *never* talk. One actually showed up at the wedding, unexpectedly, with his wife. And he did not take their failure to respond as a slap, but rather as pretty normal, and regarded the end result as “Well, this works like an announcement, and they know I still remember and value them.” Whenever they do run across each other, which is quite rare, they take up right where they left off, with utter confidence that they are loved and valued and understood based on shared roots. I find this incomprehensible, but have come to accept it, LOL. GUYS! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 8 minutes ago, Annie G said: You would think guests would know, right? But this guy....drives me crazy. He ignored ds’s attempts at contact for years, but when he does initiate contact he’s like oh you’re my BEST FRIEND EVER. So we haven’t seen him in 2 years. Haven’t heard from him at all. Not once. So we’ve never met her and have had two meals w him in 35 years. No idea if they drink, what they eat, or anything. Dh and I don’t drink so even choosing wine isn’t our norm. They’re financially secure so money feels weird. So a card and handwritten note it is. I was actually hoping dh would forget to rsvp but the guy actually called on his way to work today and in a rush asked if we’re coming or not. We got the invitation a few days ago and the wedding is in May. So yeah, no hi how are you, just a ‘I didn;t invite many people but you made the cut and are you coming’. Exact words. OK so in that case, a nice card would do it for me! Bizarre. Maybe he's feeling nostalgic? Or doesn't have enough people on his "side" and wants to pad the list? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 4 minutes ago, marbel said: OK so in that case, a nice card would do it for me! Bizarre. Maybe he's feeling nostalgic? Or doesn't have enough people on his "side" and wants to pad the list? I can’t figure it out. The wedding is at their church but reception is back at their condo. Not in a community building, in their condo. He said they’ve only invited a few people. It’s just weird. They each have 500+ Facebook friends though...how did we make the cut???? We didn’t even know his first wife was sick or had passed away until long after the fact. He and dh do in fact have a weird relationship. Guys, indeed!!😏 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 42 minutes ago, Garga said: And if they don’t...return the item and get the cash. We got a few things to return-and we couldn't get for cash for some of them. Some places do exchanges only, no cash. So we were stuck with stuff that just got donated almost immediately. What a waste of money for the giver. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 2 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said: We got a few things to return-and we couldn't get for cash for some of them. Some places do exchanges only, no cash. So we were stuck with stuff that just got donated almost immediately. What a waste of money for the giver. Oh, bummer. I didn’t think of that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 13 hours ago, Annie G said: Quill, does your Dd plan to do something in place of a shower? I enjoyed showers because it was a chance to talk to the bride and wish them well. The wedding day is such a blur that it’s sometimes hard for the bride to remember who she talked to. Yes, she wants something like an engagement party, though using that term seems a little odd because it will probably be in August, nearly a year since they got engaged and a month before the wedding, lol. She wants to get past COVID restrictions as much as possible. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 1 hour ago, SKL said: I agree that it's gotten awkward to decide on gifts for people who have long since set up housekeeping together. When my sister got married, I did buy her some towels from her registry, but my main gift was to pay for her and all of her bridesmaids to have a spa day together the day before the wedding. Massage, facial, manicure, pedicure, hair. I think it was appreciated by all, and it didn't take up any space or come up for purge review every several years. 🙂 I do think that is a fabulous gift! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 It used to irk me, but only because I had bought into the idea that cash requests were taboo. I mean, I still have a hang up on phrasing, but the concept itself makes so much sense. And I never had great luck with registries. When there is one, I buy off of it and my gift still winds up duplicated because someone bought it elsewhere or didn’t get it checked off. When I’ve had registries, I’ve received duplicates along with a whole bunch of random non-registered stuff that didn’t suit my needs, space, or style. With no gift receipt. And then I have to figure out how to rehome it, and I find it hard to be grateful for the effort I have to put into someone’s thought and the waste of their money. I’ve been doing cash for years now. It seems silly to pretend that isn’t the most impactful gift these days. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bootsie Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 My mom got married in an era in which the local jewelry store was the one place where there was a registry--for fine china, crystal, and silver. In fact, it was common for a young woman to pick out her silver pattern at a young age and the local jewelry shop to keep a record of that so that pieces could be bought for high school graduation gifts, etc My mom tells the story of her wedding shower in which she was opening crystal, silver, linensand all kinds of fancy items and then there was the gift from her mother-in-law-to-be; it was a bag of RAGS. The hostess exclaimed how it was the most practical gift. She was being given monogrammed linen tea towels, but the item that she would really need on a daily basis, and that no one starts out with, is rags. Who would want to clean with all of those expensive, dainty linens? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 27 minutes ago, Quill said: Yes, she wants something like an engagement party, though using that term seems a little odd because it will probably be in August, nearly a year since they got engaged and a month before the wedding, lol. She wants to get past COVID restrictions as much as possible. Traditionally an engagement party was where the family would introduce their prospective new member to their friends. So that fits, maybe. It’s not always so presents-focussed—in fact, usually not. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 12 hours ago, Bootsie said: Yes, registeries have been typical for a long time. But, a registery would not, IMO, be listed on a wedding invitation. It is a way for the couple to provide preferences and desires if someone wants to get them a gift from the registry. It is not advertised or promoted by the couple. It would not be presented by the couple as "if you want to give us a gift, shop here and get us X." Ah, okay. But if a registry or list of specific ideas exist somewhere, then it seems like it's just a matter of how you let people know. In my mother's day, it didn't need to be in the invitation because everyone knew that it would be at the one big department store in town. Now, it might be at multiple department stores, or maybe not any due to the change in times, or toward a trip since many couples already have household items or just aren't into the same kinds of material things. Then, I think it's actually helpful to list the links in wedding announcements. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 3 hours ago, hippymamato3 said: Yes, but the registry was never mentioned in a wedding invitation or in that same envelope. Registry info would go out with shower invites or by word of mouth. I think I answered this in another response, but in case you don't see it. I do get this, really. But it used to be that if a registry existed, people knew where to look: maybe the one main department store in town. (My mother's situation, and even my own.) Nowadays, there are multiple stores, or maybe something else altogether. For a guest who wants to get what the bride or groom want to start their home, it has become more complicated to figure it out. I think a list in the invite is helpful, or else a link to a wedding site online that then links gift links. How else would a guest know what they need? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 14 hours ago, teachermom2834 said: Okay- totally off topic but now I am wondering if this is an Italian thing? My older Italian relatives would be insulted if I gave them money. Chinese do give money in red packets 🧧 to elderly relatives during Chinese New Year and for weddings we do give money regardless of age of bride or groom. The red packet with money just symbolizes well wishes. A neighbor who isn’t very close to the bridal couple might give $2 in a red packet and that is perfectly fine. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 39 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said: We got a few things to return-and we couldn't get for cash for some of them. Some places do exchanges only, no cash. So we were stuck with stuff that just got donated almost immediately. What a waste of money for the giver. Exactly. I don't understand the advice that couples should never admit that they prefer cash, because they can always just return unwanted gifts for cash. Unless the giver included a gift receipt, how would someone even know where to return it? When I got married people sent gifts from all over the country, I had no idea where any of it was purchased, so there was no way to return things even for store credit, let alone cash. It was just a total waste of money for stuff that ended up at Goodwill. The idea that people want to give a physical gift so the couple will (in theory) always remember and be thankful that the item came from them, to me makes the gift all about the giver and not the recipient. For every person who still treasures the silver serving tray they got 30 years ago from Aunty June, there are probably 1000 other couples who would have given the tray away years ago, or might still have it in the attic but with no recollection of who gave it to them. I think in situations where gifts are customary, people should be able to ask for what they actually want and need without being shamed for it. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bootsie Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 3 minutes ago, J-rap said: I think I answered this in another response, but in case you don't see it. I do get this, really. But it used to be that if a registry existed, people knew where to look: maybe the one main department store in town. (My mother's situation, and even my own.) Nowadays, there are multiple stores, or maybe something else altogether. For a guest who wants to get what the bride or groom want to start their home, it has become more complicated to figure it out. I think a list in the invite is helpful, or else a link to a wedding site online that then links gift links. How else would a guest know what they need? Personally, I have never found it difficult to find a couple's registry. There are a few common places to register and if I know the bride or groom's name I can find it. If I know the couple well enough to be invited to the wedding, I probably see them, or parents or some other family member to ask where they are registered or for some ideas for gifts. I am also likely to be invited to a shower if I am invited to a wedding--and can learn from the shower hostess. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teachermom2834 Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 (edited) I have been married 25 years and I have just a couple wedding gifts I still use. One was a set of five nesting stainless steel bowls. The other is a large plastic cutting board. Oh and I think some Corning ware. I have no idea who gave me those things so while I do still appreciate them and at this point think they were awesome gifts because they lasted and are still used but I have to admit I have zero idea who gave them to us. Edited March 22, 2021 by teachermom2834 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 (edited) 3 minutes ago, Bootsie said: Personally, I have never found it difficult to find a couple's registry. There are a few common places to register and if I know the bride or groom's name I can find it. If I know the couple well enough to be invited to the wedding, I probably see them, or parents or some other family member to ask where they are registered or for some ideas for gifts. I am also likely to be invited to a shower if I am invited to a wedding--and can learn from the shower hostess. Yeah, I guess I just don't understanding the difference between knowing something but not talking about it to make it feel more polite even though the intent and the outcome is the same, or just being honest and talking about it to make it easier for some people. ETA: Also, I believe most people who go to the wedding aren't invited to the shower as well? At least, that's been my experience. Edited March 22, 2021 by J-rap 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 I would have loved cash. We were just starting out and no money (I was a teacher and he was starting grad school and both moved to a new state) so we actually took back all our Christmas china to pay for the first month's rent. Someone gave us a beautiful comforter that we did not register for, that paid our grocery bill. I took back some of our crystal, too. I did buy more crystal later at a thrift store. My kids both live off campus and have so much house hold stuff that I can't imagine how much more they would need. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bootsie Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 3 minutes ago, J-rap said: Yeah, I guess I just don't understanding the difference between knowing something but not talking about it to make it feel more polite even though the intent and the outcome is the same, or just being honest and talking about it to make it easier for some people. ETA: Also, I believe most people who go to the wedding aren't invited to the shower as well? At least, that's been my experience. I guess we differ in that I don't think the intent and the outcome are the same. I see a registry as a way for a couple to show what they like; if I make handmade placemats that I give as wedding gifts, it is helpful to see that the couple has chosen dinner plates that have dainty pink and yellow flowers rather than orange Fiestaware. It provides a range of gifts. A giftgiver who loves to cook may choose a cooking related item; a giftgiver who loves to entertain might choose a hostess tray; a giftgiver who loves to share time over a cup of coffee may choose the set the sugar bowl and creamer. To me, the intent of a wedding invitation is to invite someone to share in the celebration of this event. The intent is not to tell someone what gifts will be the most appreciated gifts. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2scouts Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 18 hours ago, Annie G said: Help me out here. Dh’s longtime friend (childhood) is getting married in May and the wedding invite clearly says no gifts. Not debating whether that’s tacky or not, but it says that. They’re both 60ish and have been married before. I assumed we were expected to respect the invite, but are you saying that we’re really supposed to bring a gift? If they're both 60ish, it's quite possible that they really don't want any more things, are doing fine financially, and just want a celebration with friends. In this case, I'd send a beautiful card with a handwritten note of well wishes. DH could write memories he thinks the new spouse might appreciate or just his hopes for new couple. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 8 minutes ago, Bootsie said: I guess we differ in that I don't think the intent and the outcome are the same. I see a registry as a way for a couple to show what they like; if I make handmade placemats that I give as wedding gifts, it is helpful to see that the couple has chosen dinner plates that have dainty pink and yellow flowers rather than orange Fiestaware. It provides a range of gifts. A giftgiver who loves to cook may choose a cooking related item; a giftgiver who loves to entertain might choose a hostess tray; a giftgiver who loves to share time over a cup of coffee may choose the set the sugar bowl and creamer. To me, the intent of a wedding invitation is to invite someone to share in the celebration of this event. The intent is not to tell someone what gifts will be the most appreciated gifts. Like I say, I do understand your perspective. I guess over the years I've come to the conclusion that the gift part is minor as far as etiquette goes. I'm being invited to celebrate their union, but also to support them. And as far as the gift... I can do that by hand-making placemats (which, by the way, I'd absolutely love!), or if I'd rather contribute to their household needs or whatever to start their new home and lives together, I can support them in that way too. I've never thought that a list of items means that only those items will be appreciated? I've often given gifts that are not listed in registries as well. But sometimes I appreciate specific ideas. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1234 Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 I don’t want to give someone a gift they really don’t want so I welcome their input and instructions. I don’t find it rude at all. Dh and I haven’t kept a single gift we were given for our wedding 25 years ago. We’ve moved at least a dozen times through five different states so hanging on to things we truly don’t need just isn’t feasible. I’m going through and getting rid of things yet again as we’re looking to sell our current home next year and move again. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cjzimmer1 Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 5 hours ago, marbel said: Interesting! I am thinking about people I know (not that any of them are getting married) and I have a general idea of who drinks sweet sherry, who likes craft beer, who likes/doesn't like chocolate... you get the idea. I can't think of anyone in my social circle (which is admittedly fairly small) or family that I could not confidently buy a consumable gift for after having been in their house, had them at my house, etc. (Well except my MIL and FIL but they are legendary in the family for liking nothing!) I can't even keep straight which of my kids (who all still live in my house), likes which meals for supper. The only thing we've learned during quarantine is that there is only 1 meal my children all like and I (the cook) don't like that one. Otherwise pretty much everything I make at least 1 person in the house will be less than thrilled but I won't be able to tell you who till after the fact. No way could I begin to guess/remember what people who I'm not feeding every single day would like. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 17 hours ago, J-rap said: Side note and maybe a different thread idea: Are they already living together? (You certainly don't need to answer if it's too private. 🙂) I'm just trying to understand this new trend. I know several Christian couples that have moved in together before getting married and yet I know they're completely devoted to each other and are practically already considering themselves married. Since they are Christian couples, it has surprised me. But maybe this is just acceptable now. I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just trying to understand this since it's so different than it was for Christian couples in the 80's! Yes, they are already living together. I don’t think it’s *that* new of a trend. While they were both raised in Christian homes and afaik, still identify as Christian themselves, they are liberally-minded about many things. I am also okay with this and it appears to me that the future ILs accept it too. Also, they are technically married; my financially savvy son-in-law figured out the tax advantages of getting married before the year ended, so they got married in December. Not that I’m making excuses; they *did* live together before they were married. Just for technical definitions, they are married. I think a lot of people having weddings in 2021 are already actually married because of COVID. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 8 hours ago, historically accurate said: This thread makes me never want to buy a gift again! It especially makes it so I never, ever want to have my DD's get married and have to navigate this. So many "rules", "non-rules", and chances to offend. I think we usually hope that most of our wedding guests will be people of good temperament, who can roll with something even if it’s different than they imagined. But I also think there’s always going to be that Great Aunt Mavis who thinks it's ghastly that blah, blah, blah whatever complaint goes here. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 4 hours ago, Carrie12345 said: It used to irk me, but only because I had bought into the idea that cash requests were taboo. I mean, I still have a hang up on phrasing, but the concept itself makes so much sense. And I never had great luck with registries. When there is one, I buy off of it and my gift still winds up duplicated because someone bought it elsewhere or didn’t get it checked off. When I’ve had registries, I’ve received duplicates along with a whole bunch of random non-registered stuff that didn’t suit my needs, space, or style. With no gift receipt. And then I have to figure out how to rehome it, and I find it hard to be grateful for the effort I have to put into someone’s thought and the waste of their money. I’ve been doing cash for years now. It seems silly to pretend that isn’t the most impactful gift these days. Ugh! Here’s my bad-gift experience from way back when I got married. A friend of mine gave us a gift certificate (no gift cards back then) to a store that sold framed art for the walls. In one way, it was a thoughtful gift because she included a note saying something like, “For all those walls in your new house!” BUT! I feel so badly even saying this... It was a gift certificate to a specific store. And the store was certainly convenient to her, but it was very far from me and not in an area where I ever shopped. Additionally, it was for an amount of money that would never be sufficient for a framed print (say, $30), so anything I would have bought, I would basically just be getting a discount on it, but would have to pay quite a bit of my money to match it up. I sat on the thing for a few years. I never drove over there, and then i would have to find something affordable, and then I would still have to spend my own money...it expired. I never used it. I felt ashamed of that for ages. I can still even feel the guilt about throwing that thing in the trash. It just was not a good gift idea, at least, as it played out it wasn’t. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 45 minutes ago, Quill said: Ugh! Here’s my bad-gift experience from way back when I got married. A friend of mine gave us a gift certificate (no gift cards back then) to a store that sold framed art for the walls. In one way, it was a thoughtful gift because she included a note saying something like, “For all those walls in your new house!” BUT! I feel so badly even saying this... It was a gift certificate to a specific store. And the store was certainly convenient to her, but it was very far from me and not in an area where I ever shopped. Additionally, it was for an amount of money that would never be sufficient for a framed print (say, $30), so anything I would have bought, I would basically just be getting a discount on it, but would have to pay quite a bit of my money to match it up. I sat on the thing for a few years. I never drove over there, and then i would have to find something affordable, and then I would still have to spend my own money...it expired. I never used it. I felt ashamed of that for ages. I can still even feel the guilt about throwing that thing in the trash. It just was not a good gift idea, at least, as it played out it wasn’t. See, and to me, that was a bad, thoughtless gift. She HAD TO KNOW that it came with strings of requiring further spending attached, and that makes it a bad gift. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junie Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 2 hours ago, cjzimmer1 said: I can't even keep straight which of my kids (who all still live in my house), likes which meals for supper. The only thing we've learned during quarantine is that there is only 1 meal my children all like and I (the cook) don't like that one. Otherwise pretty much everything I make at least 1 person in the house will be less than thrilled but I won't be able to tell you who till after the fact. No way could I begin to guess/remember what people who I'm not feeding every single day would like. This post is my life. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spy Car Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 (edited) Not sure it "counts," but when I got married my Aunt and Uncle gave us a very generous gift-card for Williams Sonoma. Being along in years and loving to cook, I already had a almost every kitchen item I required--with one exception: I'd long lusted for a set of heavy French Bourgeat copper cookware. And this was the opportunity. I use my copper cookware daily and love it. And I'm grateful for the gift that made it possible. Both my Aunt and Uncle (who passed a year ago at 103) are now deceased. I do think of them when I use set, even though they didn't explicitly pick how I'd use the gift card. I hope this stuff is passed down though future generations. Makes me happy. Bill Edited March 23, 2021 by Spy Car 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted March 22, 2021 Share Posted March 22, 2021 2 hours ago, Quill said: Ugh! Here’s my bad-gift experience from way back when I got married. A friend of mine gave us a gift certificate (no gift cards back then) to a store that sold framed art for the walls. In one way, it was a thoughtful gift because she included a note saying something like, “For all those walls in your new house!” BUT! I feel so badly even saying this... It was a gift certificate to a specific store. And the store was certainly convenient to her, but it was very far from me and not in an area where I ever shopped. Additionally, it was for an amount of money that would never be sufficient for a framed print (say, $30), so anything I would have bought, I would basically just be getting a discount on it, but would have to pay quite a bit of my money to match it up. I sat on the thing for a few years. I never drove over there, and then i would have to find something affordable, and then I would still have to spend my own money...it expired. I never used it. I felt ashamed of that for ages. I can still even feel the guilt about throwing that thing in the trash. It just was not a good gift idea, at least, as it played out it wasn’t. No, you should not feel badly. Gift cards can be great but must cover a reasonable purchase at the place. I've received restaurant cards that didn't even come close to a meal for one, forget about the two people the gift was actually for. Frustrating. But we were able to give them to people who were able and happy to pony up the difference, so it worked out for someone. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spy Car Posted March 23, 2021 Share Posted March 23, 2021 1 hour ago, Spy Car said: Not sure it "counts," but when I got married my Aunt and Uncle gave us a very generous gift-card for Williams Sonoma. Being along in years and loving to cook, I already had a almost every kitchen item I required--with one exception: I'd long lusted for a set of heavy French Bourgeat copper cookware. And this was the opportunity. I use by copper cookware daily and love it. And I'm grateful for the gift that made it possible. Both my Aunt and Uncle (who passed a year ago at 103) are now deceased. I do think of them when I use set, even though they didn't explicitly pick how I'd use the gift card. I hope this stuff is passed down though future generations. Makes me happy. Bill Opps. This was supposed to be in the spin-off thread. Oh well. Anyway, I'm in favor of the new modern way. Help people out by helping them get what they want/need. If that's cash or the like, so be it. Bill 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted March 23, 2021 Share Posted March 23, 2021 4 hours ago, Quill said: Yes, they are already living together. I don’t think it’s *that* new of a trend. While they were both raised in Christian homes and afaik, still identify as Christian themselves, they are liberally-minded about many things. I am also okay with this and it appears to me that the future ILs accept it too. Also, they are technically married; my financially savvy son-in-law figured out the tax advantages of getting married before the year ended, so they got married in December. Not that I’m making excuses; they *did* live together before they were married. Just for technical definitions, they are married. I think a lot of people having weddings in 2021 are already actually married because of COVID. Thanks for explaining, and I think you have a great attitude toward it. My dd is on that same path. Perhaps it's not a new trend for Christians (?), but it's a new experience for me. And I'm very supportive of my dd and love her partner. They're a great match, and I know they're both wise and very thoughtful people. And, I don't want to get caught up in legalism. Still, inside, it feels slightly confusing to me! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted March 23, 2021 Share Posted March 23, 2021 12 hours ago, hippymamato3 said: I think it's because a wedding invite is from the bridge & groom - so asking for gifts is inappropriate and rude. A shower is thrown by someone else, so they are making gift suggestions but it's less rude. This is just what I was taught. lol The wedding invite is from whoever is throwing the wedding, which traditionally would have been the bride's parents in the states, so that reason wouldn't have worked back in the day. Although now that you mention it, once it's included in the shower invite, it doesn't really need to be included in the wedding invite (unless there is no shower). A funny aside: because my in-laws went with tradition rather than the bigger picture of what was needed and being planned, the result was a rehearsal dinner that was comically more fancy and expensive than the actual reception, lol. It was very sweet and generous of them, but pretty funny to go from the formal, sit-down dinner one day to my uncles serving drinks in the local fire house the next 😄 🚒 11 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said: Oh, yes, absolutely, but a small one that is meaningful rather than substantial. No, I would take them at their word if they say no gifts. Why not believe them? 8 hours ago, J-rap said: Yeah, I guess I just don't understanding the difference between knowing something but not talking about it to make it feel more polite even though the intent and the outcome is the same, or just being honest and talking about it to make it easier for some people. ETA: Also, I believe most people who go to the wedding aren't invited to the shower as well? At least, that's been my experience. Agreed to the first part. Second part has never been my experience. What's the reasoning behind inviting someone to the shower but not the wedding? I've seen work colleagues throw a shower knowing they weren't invited to the wedding, but that's about it. 6 hours ago, cjzimmer1 said: The only thing we've learned during quarantine is that there is only 1 meal my children all like and I (the cook) don't like that one. You have 6 kids, so you have to let us know what meall they all like. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cjzimmer1 Posted March 23, 2021 Share Posted March 23, 2021 15 minutes ago, katilac said: You have 6 kids, so you have to let us know what meall they all like. It's homemade pizza made with bbq sauce instead of pizza sauce and with a cheese stuffed crust . It needs an extra thick crust so there is enough dough to encase the cheese. However, I can't eat much bread/dough products or I feel sick so this meal doesn't work for me. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted March 23, 2021 Share Posted March 23, 2021 10 minutes ago, cjzimmer1 said: It's homemade pizza made with bbq sauce instead of pizza sauce and with a cheese stuffed crust . It needs an extra thick crust so there is enough dough to encase the cheese. However, I can't eat much bread/dough products or I feel sick so this meal doesn't work for me. Homemade pizza with 6 kids? I hope you get some help! Or a medal, lol. That sounds amazing. I love BBQ chicken pizza and currently have the sads bc we did pickup pizza tonight, but from a place that doesn't do the BBQ sauce. I mean, I still ate pizza, don't get me wrong, I was just a little melancholy about it. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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