The future of wedding gifts

[Ginevra]

It was already long obvious that things like china and crystal aren’t much of a thing anymore. None of my nieces or nephews who have married in the past ten years have registered for fancy dishes. (Sometimes every-day type dishes do make it on to the registry.) One of my nieces had almost nothing on there except a monetary donation option; she explained that, as they planned to be sailing full-time for a few years, material goods would not be of much use. This was fine with me, as I felt like I was contributing to something meaningful to them instead of buying a hunk of junk they could not use. However, I am certain some old school thinkers were taken aback by not buying a gift that is a “thing.” 

My dd does not want to have a registry and she does not want a traditional “shower.” She plans to say on her wedding website something to the effect of, “Your presence at our wedding is all the gift we want. If you wish to contribute to our going-to-Italy fund, you can donate here.” 

I didn’t like this idea much at first but as she explains some things to me, it is making more and more sense. They live in a tiny apartment. Within a couple of years, they expect to move but have no idea what the different living environment will be, nor where on the planet it will be. She tells me that among her generation, the donate-button-only option is not seen as weird or demanding; it is seen as normal. I am not certain how true that is - as I said, lots of nieces and nephews married, but only two had something in this vein. As I mull it over, I think not only is her plan acceptable; I also think this is the direction wedding gifts is likely to go in the near future. What does the Hive think? 

[Melissa in Australia]

Weddings use to be when 2 people were going to move in together, often leaving home to do so. So the presents were to help set up house

 Mostly nowadays people are already living together and have already set up house 

[Guest]

5 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

Weddings use to be when 2 people were going to move in together, often leaving home to do so. So the presents were to help set up house

 Mostly nowadays people are already living together and have already set up house 

Yes, that’s part of what she said. 

 

[LAS in LA]

Experiences instead of things also seems to be a trend in general gift-giving. Wonder if this might show up in wedding gifting, too. Money gifts would be consistent with that.

[marbel]

I think you are going to see some people doing this, and some people sticking to more traditional things -- whether that is because the mothers of the bride/groom insist on it, or if the couple actually want it; probably some of both.  

No matter what she does, some people will complain, and some will be happy. 

I  happily donated to my niece's honeymoon fund as her gift. The only thing that bothered me was that I never received any sort of acknowledgment, so for all I know it was credited incorrectly and helped send someone else off on a trip!

The only thing I might object to in your daughter's plan is adding "your presence at  our wedding is all the gift we want." I've seen that so many times it's almost a cliche - sorry, just being blunt - and it's meaningless really because most people (in the US anyway) feel that a gift is expected for a wedding.  If it was my kid, I'd suggest leaving that bit off and just say "if you wish to.... " and point to the donate button. 

[Corraleno]

I think it's practical and sensible and definitely the way things are headed. Besides the fact that many couples are already living together before they get married, people are generally getting married later, so even if they aren't already living with their future spouse, they are often living on their own and already have everything they need — in fact, they may have two of everything they need if they're combining households. And with the increasing disparity between wages and house prices, young couples may be renting for a lot longer than in previous generations, and won't have attics/basements/garages to store a bunch of china and crystal and stuff they don't really need. I think contributing towards a lovely honeymoon, the memories of which will last forever, is far more valuable than yet another toaster or pasta machine or whatever.

[Katy]

As long as it isn’t included in the invitation, but comes from a parent or wedding website I don’t see how this is any different from a registry. 

[fairfarmhand]

I generally give a card with a Benjamin Franklin in it for wedding gifts. I appreciated our wedding gifts. But even as someone who was getting married immediately after leaving my parents home, we really needed cash. So a registry is fine if the couple has particular needs that they want to share, but I love gifting cash so they can get things that they need or even pay rent..

[hjffkj]

I'm all for money as the gift and I do think with the way more people launch before marriage I see the traditional gifts as obsolete. But giving gifts even when money is preferred should be acceptable as well.

[Lecka]

I went to a wedding for the first time in years, and the couple had a way to contribute to a honeymoon trip.  
 

I thought it was fine.  
 

I did think “well I guess they don’t need anything” and we put money in a card.  

[Bootsie]

I am old-fashioned.  It isn't the idea that a monetary contribution toward something the couple wants is bothersome.  A monetary gift could go toward a honeymoon, a coach, moving expenses, whatever the couple wants.  I personally do not like the idea of anything put out by the bride and groom, whether it be an invitation to a wedding or a wedding website, mentioning gifts--whether it is cash or particular items in a registry.  

[teachermom2834]

It would not bother me because I just am determined not to be bothered by such things. As my kids approach marriage age I just don’t really care about these things or what anyone else thinks or does. To each their own.

However, I’m not sure she has to say anything. People that want to give a physical gift still will. People that don’t know what to do will give cash and that can go in the Italy fund. I don’t think she has to designate it an Italy fund. 

However, I come from simple folk. If there was such a wedding in my world there is a good chance a lot of the middle age gift givers would never have dreamed of being able to take such a trip so that it is possible there might be an eye roll for a “donate here” for an Italy trip fund. 
 

So I definitely think it is fine. I also think it is fine to not say anything and use the cash for the trip and then write a nice thank you note saying you used it on the trip or it is going toward the trip savings.  I wouldn’t be upset by a “donate now” button but I don’t know how necessary it is either.

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

I am old-fashioned.  It isn't the idea that a monetary contribution toward something the couple wants is bothersome.  A monetary gift could go toward a honeymoon, a coach, moving expenses, whatever the couple wants.  I personally do not like the idea of anything put out by the bride and groom, whether it be an invitation to a wedding or a wedding website, mentioning gifts--whether it is cash or particular items in a registry.  

I understand that hesitancy. I am also trying to see things through a modern lens, though, and this seems to be very much in keeping with what young people now do. They have a wedding website and, somewhere on there, you find a tab for “registry” or whatever. 

I’m kind of the opposite, because I think it’s really helpful to have some direction on gift-giving and would rather have somewhere to find that info than just wonder what they are hoping people will do. I don’t really understand “let’s all pretend nobody is giving gifts.” I mean, seriously. I have never heard of a guest going to a wedding and giving no gift of any kind whatsoever. 

[Pawz4me]

We generally always give money for wedding gifts, whether that be actual cash or a check. The couple is free to spend it as they wish, and it's none of our business what that is.

I don't understand why anyone should be expected to stick with traditions that no longer make sense.

[fairfarmhand]

1 minute ago, Quill said:

I understand that hesitancy. I am also trying to see things through a modern lens, though, and this seems to be very much in keeping with what young people now do. They have a wedding website and, somewhere on there, you find a tab for “registry” or whatever. 

I’m kind of the opposite, because I think it’s really helpful to have some direction on gift-giving and would rather have somewhere to find that info than just wonder what they are hoping people will do. I don’t really understand “let’s all pretend nobody is giving gifts.” I mean, seriously. I have never heard of a guest going to a wedding and giving no gift of any kind whatsoever. 

My brother is getting married next month (YAY! First marriage, first love at age 39! It's so exiting!) They're moving overseas in the fall, she's in her thirties and has been living on her own for over a decade now. They have a gift registry on their website that features things that would be easy to pack overseas like towels, sheets, and luggage. Otherwise, there's a button that says "Contribute funds to assist with expenses for living overseas."

I bet people who might be offended or judgmental about an expensive trip would find a phrase "Contribute to Honeymoon expenses" a bit easier to take. 

I will say that coming from a poorer class background, I find many young couple's starting out expenses/expectations a bit startling. But most of that has to do with the fact that I came from a poor class and we're now upper middle class and many of our friends are upper middle class. Honeymoons are Hawaii or Europe, not a trip to the mountains or the beach. Registries feature sheet sets that are $200 and dishtowels that are $10 a piece.  So coming from the back ground that I have where we bought gifts at Walmart, those price points take me by surprise some times. I don't judge people or think "kids these days..." but it does surprise me at times. I really think that the mindset that you grow up with sticks with you for a long time. I just can't shake it for some reason. 

Which is why when my dd was filling out her registry, I encouraged her to include gifts from a wide range of price points since we have family and friends from many different financial backgrounds. 

[Annie G]

20 minutes ago, Quill said:

 I mean, seriously. I have never heard of a guest going to a wedding and giving no gift of any kind whatsoever. 

Help me out here. Dh’s longtime friend (childhood) is getting married in May and the wedding invite clearly says no gifts. Not debating whether that’s tacky or not, but it says that. They’re both 60ish and have been married before. I assumed we were expected to respect the invite, but are you saying that we’re really supposed to bring a gift? 

[Kassia]

37 minutes ago, Annie G said:

Help me out here. Dh’s longtime friend (childhood) is getting married in May and the wedding invite clearly says no gifts. Not debating whether that’s tacky or not, but it says that. They’re both 60ish and have been married before. I assumed we were expected to respect the invite, but are you saying that we’re really supposed to bring a gift? 

I have no idea - that seems really awkward!  I'd feel uncomfortable not bringing something but if you do then you are going against the couple's wishes.  

Edited March 22, 2021 by Kassia

[marbel]

46 minutes ago, Annie G said:

Help me out here. Dh’s longtime friend (childhood) is getting married in May and the wedding invite clearly says no gifts. Not debating whether that’s tacky or not, but it says that. They’re both 60ish and have been married before. I assumed we were expected to respect the invite, but are you saying that we’re really supposed to bring a gift? 

So I have never actually taken a gift to a wedding - I always have it sent to the registry address, or if there's no registry, the bride or groom or parent of one or the other.  So in this case I wouldn't feel like it'd be awkward not to take one because where I have lived, most people don't actually bring the gift anyway. I might send a bottle of wine or other consumable at some point though, depending on the relationship.

[Annie G]

Quill, I do think this is the direction that wedding gifts are going, but right now is the in between phase. Some people find it no big deal to just click a button and donate, but some are  still from the ‘wedding gifts are physical things, wrapped, with a bow and nice card” era. Not saying that old people are clinging to the tradition and need to get with the new ways, just that yeah, some are not there yet when it comes to adapting to money as a wedding gift. Maybe because they cherish some wedding gift they received years ago and want the bridal couple to have the same kind of fond memories. 
But yes, it probably is the future. And it might be the future of baby gifts and birthday gifts, too. It already is for most graduation gifts. 

[Annie G]

3 minutes ago, marbel said:

So I have never actually taken a gift to a wedding - I always have it sent to the registry address, or if there's no registry, the bride or groom or parent of one or the other.  So in this case I wouldn't feel like it'd be awkward not to take one because where I have lived, most people don't actually bring the gift anyway. I might send a bottle of wine or other consumable at some point though, depending on the relationship.

We’ve never taken one to the actual wedding either, but they live in another state.  I figured we didn’t need to send a gift since the invite said no gifts,  but if one is really expected, I’ll bring it.  Even if it’s poor etiquette. Mailing stuff is iffy enough, so bringing it at least assures they receive it. 
But for real, when they say no gifts they don’t really mean it??? Ugh. People need to say what they mean. I’m introverted enough so attending a wedding where I know nobody (have spent fewer than 8 hours w the groom my whole life) is difficult enough without worrying that I’ll be the only one who shows up with a gift (or the only one who doesn’t).   Sorry...I know this isn’t about me. I just thought ‘no gifts’ meant no gifts. 

[Pawz4me]

56 minutes ago, Annie G said:

Help me out here. Dh’s longtime friend (childhood) is getting married in May and the wedding invite clearly says no gifts. Not debating whether that’s tacky or not, but it says that. They’re both 60ish and have been married before. I assumed we were expected to respect the invite, but are you saying that we’re really supposed to bring a gift? 

I'm a firm believer in respecting the couple's expressed wishes. And I learned that from personal experience. When DH and I got married I was 27 and he was 29. We'd both been homeowners for several years already. We had two houses full of stuff we needed to pare down and combine. And so we asked for no gifts, wanted no showers. And yet people insisted on giving us things, almost none of which was useful or needed. They were normal, regular type wedding gifts, it's just that we didn't need any of it. We had all the towels and small appliances, pots and pans and sheets and everything else we needed, twice over. It really added a lot of unnecessary stress. We would have much preferred for people to have honored our wish for no gifts.

[Corraleno]

1 hour ago, Annie G said:

Help me out here. Dh’s longtime friend (childhood) is getting married in May and the wedding invite clearly says no gifts. Not debating whether that’s tacky or not, but it says that. They’re both 60ish and have been married before. I assumed we were expected to respect the invite, but are you saying that we’re really supposed to bring a gift? 

I don't think Quill meant that people should ignore an explicit request for no gifts, I think she was referring to the idea that it's inappropriate for a couple to suggest donations towards a honeymoon in lieu of gifts, because that implies that a gift is expected, and it's tacky to suggest that a gift is expected — even though everyone knows that wedding gifts are a cultural norm, even if not strictly required. If a couple explicitly said "no gifts," I would totally respect that.

[HS Mom in NC]

I've had 2 daughters and 2 nieces get married in the last 3 years. Mine were planning to move across the country within a couple of months when they got married or already were across the country knowing they would be living at that location temporarily. Both were receptions only and one was a reception of less than 10. One niece was pregnant, flew across the country for the civil ceremony with parents only and restaurant reception for those in attendance only, flying back for several months to have the baby,  then moving into military housing across the country knowing they would be stationed in yet another state in less than a year.  One was a tiny COVID wedding and reception.  3 of the 4  couples were co-habitating and had everything they needed. 

So yes, it makes perfect sense to have a no gifts policy or to request cash only.   I've seen wedding invitations that asked for no gifts and requested donations to a charity for those who really wanted to give something. I've seen no gifts on invitations too.

If it says no gifts it's rude to bring a gift. No one puts no gifts on an invitation who wants their guests to bring gifts.  Just don't bring a gift.  It's really not a big deal to come giftless when it was announced in print or said out loud that they don't want gifts. I've been to several and didn't feel weird about it because it was clearly stated on the invitation. If it isn't stated explicitly I bring a cash gift because most couples could always use cash, even if it's to put in their emergency fund.

I'm from a very large, multicultural, cosmopolitan city out west.  It's a place where innovation, individualism, and customization reign supreme, so people are generally far less steeped in traditionalism. Almost all of the Greatest and Baby Boomer generations out there picked up and left their family's place of origin and started over so it's much more a cultural norm to make your own traditions for each generation.  Every wedding is different.  Most people out there have attended weddings of different religions and/or ethnic traditions, so they're used to shifting gears for each one and going with whatever is on the invitation and/or at the website.

It's normal where I come from to include gift registry info or monetary donation suggestions (honeymoon, house down payment contributions, or charity)  with the invitation and/or at the wedding website. I'm 47 and never in my life have I seen a wedding invitation envelope not include that kind of information.  It might be a separate card that says where the couple is registered, but most people I know think it's rude not to give that information at the same time and in the same envelope as the invitation. Now that wedding websites are the norm, the wedding website is printed on the snail mail invitations sent to elderly non-computer user invitees or with the wedding evite for everyone else.  Usually someone close to the elderly person is asked to provide the elderly person's info at the website's RSVP.

[Arcadia]

For Chinese,

cash in a red packet - everyone 

gold jewelry - close  relatives (optional)

household goods - parents and siblings (optional)

For us cash is king and gold is welcomed.

If and when my kids get married, they would get cash by international bank transfer from relatives in other countries instead. If I follow tradition, I would have to gift my future daughter-in-laws gold jewelry (but gold bar would be more practical and more valuable)

[SKL]

I prefer to give money gifts anyway.

I asked myself, what is being lost if nobody gives tangible wedding gifts any more?  I think what's lost is that people won't have those mementos in their homes to remind them that so-and-so participated and wished them well on their wedding day.  I also think that when one is hard up for money, that can be the best time to give something very nice that the couple couldn't otherwise afford.  If I give my niece $100, she's probably going to use it for something that won't last or have sentimental value.  But if I give her something special that cost $100, then she will have that one "nice thing" in her otherwise hand-to-mouth life.  Is that better?  Maybe, and perhaps that's why it's traditional to give/receive household items.

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Annie G said:

Help me out here. Dh’s longtime friend (childhood) is getting married in May and the wedding invite clearly says no gifts. Not debating whether that’s tacky or not, but it says that. They’re both 60ish and have been married before. I assumed we were expected to respect the invite, but are you saying that we’re really supposed to bring a gift? 

I would definitely give them money.  But what I mean is, I think it’s strange when people act coy as though they think all the guests will come and nobody will give a gift (or money or anything). I have been to a few older couple’s weddings and, sure, they weren’t asking for kitchenware, but I would give them money no matter what. 

PS. I did tell my dd to please do not say, “no gifts.” A lot of people really despise that; I know from trying to do it for kid’s birthdays. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Annie G said:

We’ve never taken one to the actual wedding either, but they live in another state.  I figured we didn’t need to send a gift since the invite said no gifts,  but if one is really expected, I’ll bring it.  Even if it’s poor etiquette. Mailing stuff is iffy enough, so bringing it at least assures they receive it. 
But for real, when they say no gifts they don’t really mean it??? Ugh. People need to say what they mean. I’m introverted enough so attending a wedding where I know nobody (have spent fewer than 8 hours w the groom my whole life) is difficult enough without worrying that I’ll be the only one who shows up with a gift (or the only one who doesn’t).   Sorry...I know this isn’t about me. I just thought ‘no gifts’ meant no gifts. 

I think this means, “Please, please, please do not send us stuff!” I’m betting you a dollar they won’t be mad if you send them a card and money. But I feel very confident that they do not want towels, clocks, blenders, crystal goblets or a singing Elvis statue. *That* is why they are saying no gifts. 

[teachermom2834]

I think some older folks on second or third weddings might really feel awkward about gifts and probably some really mean “no gifts”. 
 

And while they might not get mad or return money, they might prefer you not give it. My dad is in his early seventies and I can guarantee that if he had married in the last ten years after my mom died he would have felt mortified taking cash presents from people who primarily would be younger than him. Like he really would not have wanted it and it would have made him uncomfortable. 
 

Gosh people are complicated. I think all gifting occasions should come with a healthy dose of grace from the giver and the receiver. 

[Corraleno]

3 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

I think some older folks on second or third weddings might really feel awkward about gifts and probably some really mean “no gifts”. 

And while they might not get mad or return money, they might prefer you not give it. My dad is in his early seventies and I can guarantee that if he had married in the last ten years after my mom died he would have felt mortified taking cash presents from people who primarily would be younger than him. Like he really would not have wanted it and it would have made him uncomfortable. 

Totally agree with this. I would send a lovely card saying how happy I was for the couple, and I'd respect their wishes for no gifts. Personally, I would be uncomfortable and rather annoyed if I remarried in my 60s and explicitly said "no gifts" and people gave cash. I think that's kind of tacky, implying that either I didn't really mean what I said, or that maybe they thought I needed the money. If someone really felt compelled to give something, I would rather they donated to a worthy cause in my name.

[BlsdMama]

33 minutes ago, Quill said:

I would definitely give them money.  But what I mean is, I think it’s strange when people act coy as though they think all the guests will come and nobody will give a gift (or money or anything). 

Count me in with the no gift means no gift crowd. And assuming they are “acting coy” verses honestly just not wanting gifts is a foreign thought to me. There comes a point in which you truly don’t want anything from friends and family except their presence, especially when there is just nothing you need. 
 

I just ordered grad invites and added no gift requested. We are inviting more than than just close friends and family and we’re inviting people we WANT there but I don’t want them feeling an imperative to being a gift. Actually, the thought bothers me a lot. I have no issue with her accepting gifts from close friends and family, but we invite a lot of folks AND we have a bajillion kids. I want too my aunts (her great aunt) but I don’t want them bringing cards and cash x11. 
 

I have no problem giving cash. I prefer a gift. It feels more personal? But if there was no registry? I’d never ever buy a gift. Things for your house are just too personal. 

[teachermom2834]

I guess this is cultural but I am thinking I would not give cash to someone older than me. I’ve never really considered it but now that I am I cannot imagine giving a cash gift to anyone older than me (and maybe not even my age?) unless I knew they really needed it. I feel like cash is for the younger generation. If I was attending a wedding for anyone my age or older I think it would be alcohol or a gift card for a nice dinner or a specialty food item if there was no “no gifts” request. 

Okay- totally off topic but now I am wondering if this is an Italian thing? My older Italian relatives would be insulted if I gave them money. 
 

Sorry to go off topic, Quill. I would happily contribute to the Italy fund and be content to be giving them what they actually wanted. 

[HS Mom in NC]

45 minutes ago, SKL said:

 If I give my niece $100, she's probably going to use it for something that won't last or have sentimental value.  But if I give her something special that cost $100, then she will have that one "nice thing" in her otherwise hand-to-mouth life.  Is that better?  Maybe, and perhaps that's why it's traditional to give/receive household items.

Memories of shared experiences last, so contributing to a honeymoon accomplishes the same thing.  Houses last, so contributing to a down payment accomplishes the same thing. That's what mine did with their gifts a year after they moved. Housing prices are becoming insane. Most couples would be far better off having a small, inexpensive wedding, saving the difference, requesting cash gifts, and saving for a down payment or paying off student loan debt to boost their credit scores to get home loans.

Some people aren't wired for sentimental attachment to inanimate objects, even from loved ones,  or viewing inanimate objects as special.  Most inanimate objects break, wear out, become obsolete, and are taste specific. Many couples get duplicates and can only exchange them for other things they already own. Many people have every negative reactions to clutter/stuff because everything in modern America is vying for attention or making demands,  which is why more zen like minimalist homes are becoming more common. 

[HS Mom in NC]

46 minutes ago, Quill said:

I think this means, “Please, please, please do not send us stuff!” I’m betting you a dollar they won’t be mad if you send them a card and money. But I feel very confident that they do not want towels, clocks, blenders, crystal goblets or a singing Elvis statue. *That* is why they are saying no gifts. 

No, it means no gifts of any kind, including money.   It means they don't want anything physical or monetary. They would probably take the gift of money because rejecting a gift given is considered rude, but I guarantee you there will be eye-rolling and heavy sighs and "What do we have to do to make it clear we don't want any gifts?" complaining in private. I've listened to people who have said no gifts on invitations complain at length that people disregard, second guess, and flat out ignore their clearly stated desire of no gifts. If they say no gifts and you send money, you're being rude.

[Murphy101]

3 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

I generally give a card with a Benjamin Franklin in it for wedding gifts. I appreciated our wedding gifts. But even as someone who was getting married immediately after leaving my parents home, we really needed cash. So a registry is fine if the couple has particular needs that they want to share, but I love gifting cash so they can get things that they need or even pay rent..

Ugh. So both Dh and I went straight from our parents homes to an apartment. And my mil was so ticked off that in the 2.5 years we were engaged - we slowly bought stuff or asked for items for birthdays and Christmas. Like towels and dishes.  We got the most useless stuff for our wedding. Like four crockpots. We were two full time employed 19 yr olds. It would be another 3 years before we are a crockpot worth of food for dinner. LOL my mil was like don’t buy anything until after the wedding! And both Dh and I were like, “what?  So like for how long are we supposed to wait to buy all the stuff?! Like all at once the day after the wedding? Who can afford that?! And we didn’t have a big wedding so it’s not like we were getting hundreds of gifts regardless. 
 

I’m with you. We needed practical gifts. Like cash. Or gift cards. My mil bought us our first icee of furniture. A hider rocking chair that we used for over 20 years.  That was genuinely appreciated and needed bc we didn’t have any furniture we when married. LOL

Edited March 22, 2021 by Murphy101

[TravelingChris]

4 hours ago, Quill said:

It was already long obvious that things like china and crystal aren’t much of a thing anymore. None of my nieces or nephews who have married in the past ten years have registered for fancy dishes. (Sometimes every-day type dishes do make it on to the registry.) One of my nieces had almost nothing on there except a monetary donation option; she explained that, as they planned to be sailing full-time for a few years, material goods would not be of much use. This was fine with me, as I felt like I was contributing to something meaningful to them instead of buying a hunk of junk they could not use. However, I am certain some old school thinkers were taken aback by not buying a gift that is a “thing.” 

My dd does not want to have a registry and she does not want a traditional “shower.” She plans to say on her wedding website something to the effect of, “Your presence at our wedding is all the gift we want. If you wish to contribute to our going-to-Italy fund, you can donate here.” 

I didn’t like this idea much at first but as she explains some things to me, it is making more and more sense. They live in a tiny apartment. Within a couple of years, they expect to move but have no idea what the different living environment will be, nor where on the planet it will be. She tells me that among her generation, the donate-button-only option is not seen as weird or demanding; it is seen as normal. I am not certain how true that is - as I said, lots of nieces and nephews married, but only two had something in this vein. As I mull it over, I think not only is her plan acceptable; I also think this is the direction wedding gifts is likely to go in the near future. What does the Hive think? 

My one child that is married, 6 years, did have a part traditional/ part non traditional (camping equipment, etc) wedding list.  She did get things like dishes, kitchen appliances, etc.  They needed such things.  We gave her a Kitchen Aid Mixer for one wedding shower, something similar for second, and bought their airplane tickets for  their honeymoon ( to Minneapolis since they wed in late January and her husband wanted a snow vacation.)

I think dd2 and her boyfriend want a very small wedding and probably no wedding showers.  She didn't like the fuss of her sister's wedding ( which wasn't dd1's idea for as large a wedding and as fancy as she had ((much, much less fancy than most she has been to)) but rather dsil  and his family's expectations.  She did have a non alcoholic reception at church but well catered. Etc.

If ds marries his current gf or someone else, I know he will desire small wedding too probably outdoors which dd2 also wants.

[Annie G]

Quill, does your Dd plan to do something in place of a shower? I enjoyed showers because it was a chance to talk to the bride and wish them well. The wedding day is such a blur that it’s sometimes hard for the bride to remember who she talked to. 

[J-rap]

4 hours ago, Bootsie said:

I am old-fashioned.  It isn't the idea that a monetary contribution toward something the couple wants is bothersome.  A monetary gift could go toward a honeymoon, a coach, moving expenses, whatever the couple wants.  I personally do not like the idea of anything put out by the bride and groom, whether it be an invitation to a wedding or a wedding website, mentioning gifts--whether it is cash or particular items in a registry.  

But isn't the old-fashioned way to have a registry?  At least, when my mother was married around 1950, she had a registry so that people could contribute specific dishes and other household items that they'd need to start out.  I'm pretty sure that was typical back then.

[J-rap]

4 hours ago, Annie G said:

Help me out here. Dh’s longtime friend (childhood) is getting married in May and the wedding invite clearly says no gifts. Not debating whether that’s tacky or not, but it says that. They’re both 60ish and have been married before. I assumed we were expected to respect the invite, but are you saying that we’re really supposed to bring a gift? 

No gift means no gift.  I'm sure they feel they have more than enough.  Please don't get them anything.  A thoughtful card with a handwritten note will make their day.

[Corraleno]

When I got married, we had been living together and had the basics, but we were also really poor and were in the process of moving from the US to the UK, so (1) we really didn't want more stuff to pack and move and (2) we really could have used some cash. But my MIL insisted I register for dishes, crystal, and silverware, because that's how it was done in her family and she'd bought china for about a dozen cousins' kids and wanted them to "pay it back" by buying those things for us (whether we wanted them or not). We did use the dishes and silverware, but we literally never touched the crystal, and we got lots of totally impractical things that people obviously thought would be sentimental heirloom type things that we had absolutely no use for, like silver serving trays and silver napkin rings and a lace tablecloth and a really ornate silver picture frame. Those just got carted around in their original boxes until I finally donated them. I think giving people things they really don't want and have no use for is not really a "gift," it's just a waste of money. Which is extra sad when the recipients really could have used the money that was spent on something that just ends up at Goodwill.

[J-rap]

Speaking of registries:  My dh and I were married in the 80's when gift registries were a big thing, and we didn't like them.  But in order to satisfy my mother 🙂 we set up a small one, mostly with the china we finally chose (simple white) for fancy occasions, glasses, and our every day stainless steel flatware.  And actually, I'm really glad we did that!  Those are things we would have never invested in otherwise (my dh went to school for 7 years after we were married and we lived on a fairly low income), and we use all of those items still, over 35 years later!  

It bugged me when weddings in the early 2000's had giant registries with items that were often $200/$300.  It made people who could only afford $25 feel cheap.  And the items seemed so decadent, like breakfast trays and fancy sleeping bags.  I've eased up on that somewhat, because times just are what they are.  Whatever.  I think the more expensive gifts are sometimes meant for close relatives that do spend a lot, or maybe several friends who go in on a gift together.  I don't mind giving money toward a trip because my dh and I lived for several years abroad after being married and it was so good and healthy for the start of our marriage to have an adventure like that.  I feel more comfortable just supporting the couple for what they're asking.  I can still do it in the price-range I'm comfortable with.

[J-rap]

5 hours ago, Quill said:

They live in a tiny apartment. Within a couple of years, they expect to move but have no idea what the different living environment will be, nor where on the planet it will be. She tells me that among her generation, the donate-button-only option is not seen as weird or demanding; it is seen as normal. I am not certain how true that is - as I said, lots of nieces and nephews married, but only two had something in this vein. As I mull it over, I think not only is her plan acceptable; I also think this is the direction wedding gifts is likely to go in the near future. What does the Hive think? 

Side note and maybe a different thread idea:  Are they already living together?  (You certainly don't need to answer if it's too private.  🙂)  I'm just trying to understand this new trend.  I know several Christian couples that have moved in together before getting married and yet I know they're completely devoted to each other and are practically already considering themselves married.  Since they are Christian couples, it has surprised me.  But maybe this is just acceptable now.  I'm not saying it's wrong.  I'm just trying to understand this since it's so different than it was for Christian couples in the 80's!  

[J-rap]

18 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

When I got married, we had been living together and had the basics, but we were also really poor and were in the process of moving from the US to the UK, so (1) we really didn't want more stuff to pack and move and (2) we really could have used some cash. But my MIL insisted I register for dishes, crystal, and silverware, because that's how it was done in her family and she'd bought china for about a dozen cousins' kids and wanted them to "pay it back" by buying those things for us (whether we wanted them or not). We did use the dishes and silverware, but we literally never touched the crystal, and we got lots of totally impractical things that people obviously thought would be sentimental heirloom type things that we had absolutely no use for, like silver serving trays and silver napkin rings and a lace tablecloth and a really ornate silver picture frame. Those just got carted around in their original boxes until I finally donated them. I think giving people things they really don't want and have no use for is not really a "gift," it's just a waste of money. Which is extra sad when the recipients really could have used the money that was spent on something that just ends up at Goodwill.

I agree with the crystal and heirloom items like silver trays!  I received many items like that and have never used them.  It's funny how times change!

[vonfirmath]

2 hours ago, SKL said:

I prefer to give money gifts anyway.

I asked myself, what is being lost if nobody gives tangible wedding gifts any more?  I think what's lost is that people won't have those mementos in their homes to remind them that so-and-so participated and wished them well on their wedding day.  I also think that when one is hard up for money, that can be the best time to give something very nice that the couple couldn't otherwise afford.  If I give my niece $100, she's probably going to use it for something that won't last or have sentimental value.  But if I give her something special that cost $100, then she will have that one "nice thing" in her otherwise hand-to-mouth life.  Is that better?  Maybe, and perhaps that's why it's traditional to give/receive household items.

Yes,

I have things we use to this day (Having celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary this weekend) that we got for our wedding. And I love thinking about the person who got them everytime we reach for a knife, use the Dutch Oven, etc. OTOH -- the silver candlesticks don't really get used. We remember getting them for our wedding everytime we move dishes around them in our cupboard. But they don't get used. And we are finally getting rid of the aprons we got for our wedding and never used.  And since we got very little of the china we registered for, we took it all back and got nice luggage -- but that finally failed us. But I do think about how our current luggage was a follow up to that.

[Bootsie]

43 minutes ago, J-rap said:

But isn't the old-fashioned way to have a registry?  At least, when my mother was married around 1950, she had a registry so that people could contribute specific dishes and other household items that they'd need to start out.  I'm pretty sure that was typical back then.

Yes, registeries have been typical for a long time.  But, a registery would not, IMO, be listed on a wedding invitation.  It is a way for the couple to provide preferences and desires if someone wants to get them a gift from the registry. It is not advertised or promoted by the couple.  It would not be presented by the couple as "if you want to give us a gift, shop here and get us X."  

[Ellie]

7 hours ago, Quill said:

It was already long obvious that things like china and crystal aren’t much of a thing anymore. None of my nieces or nephews who have married in the past ten years have registered for fancy dishes. (Sometimes every-day type dishes do make it on to the registry.) One of my nieces had almost nothing on there except a monetary donation option; she explained that, as they planned to be sailing full-time for a few years, material goods would not be of much use. This was fine with me, as I felt like I was contributing to something meaningful to them instead of buying a hunk of junk they could not use. However, I am certain some old school thinkers were taken aback by not buying a gift that is a “thing.” 

My dd does not want to have a registry and she does not want a traditional “shower.” She plans to say on her wedding website something to the effect of, “Your presence at our wedding is all the gift we want. If you wish to contribute to our going-to-Italy fund, you can donate here.” 

I didn’t like this idea much at first but as she explains some things to me, it is making more and more sense. They live in a tiny apartment. Within a couple of years, they expect to move but have no idea what the different living environment will be, nor where on the planet it will be. She tells me that among her generation, the donate-button-only option is not seen as weird or demanding; it is seen as normal. I am not certain how true that is - as I said, lots of nieces and nephews married, but only two had something in this vein. As I mull it over, I think not only is her plan acceptable; I also think this is the direction wedding gifts is likely to go in the near future. What does the Hive think? 

I'm going to stay the path as long as possible: Not asking for money, in any way, shape or form. "Her generation" doesn't know any better because *our* generation hasn't taught them properly.

There's no need to tell people not to give her gifts. Either they will or they won't.  It's not polite to put that on invitations or anything else.

She doesn't have to have a registry. She doesn't have to have a shower. Her friends and family members who love her might donate to her trip, but just because they love her and happen to know that's what she's going to do. If her friends and family members buy gifts, then she can thank them graciously and return them if she doesn't want them. Then she can use the money any way she wants to, such as to help pay for her trip to Italy.

[historically accurate]

This thread makes me never want to buy a gift again! It especially makes it so I never, ever want to have my DD's get married and have to navigate this. So many "rules", "non-rules", and chances to offend. 

 

[marbel]

Gah, I am in my 60s and imagining what it would be like to be getting married at my age. I would not want tangible gifts - I don't know anyone my age who isn't trying to get rid of stuff - but I surely would not want money either. I would never give money as a gift to an established middle-aged (+) couple unless I was certain they were in poor financial shape and really would welcome a gift of money.  I would not be offended by any gift, because it would be ridiculous to be offended by such a thing, but I would surely feel terrible if someone gave me money (again, unless I really needed it). 

[73349]

10 hours ago, teachermom2834 said:

If I was attending a wedding for anyone my age or older I think it would be alcohol or a gift card for a nice dinner or a specialty food item if there was no “no gifts” request.

Oh, dear, we wouldn't want that either. Food/drink is so personal.

Cash was great when we got married, but if we were getting married in midlife, I would love just a letter of well-wishes and maybe a photo of us all together.

[hippymamato3]

9 hours ago, J-rap said:

But isn't the old-fashioned way to have a registry?  At least, when my mother was married around 1950, she had a registry so that people could contribute specific dishes and other household items that they'd need to start out.  I'm pretty sure that was typical back then.

Yes, but the registry was never mentioned in a wedding invitation or in that same envelope. Registry info would go out with shower invites or by word of mouth.

[marbel]

1 hour ago, Carolina Wren said:

Oh, dear, we wouldn't want that either. Food/drink is so personal.

Cash was great when we got married, but if we were getting married in midlife, I would love just a letter of well-wishes and maybe a photo of us all together.

Not arguing with you, because you know what you would like and not like, just continuing the conversation.... I'm thinking about this.  If I know someone well enough to be invited to their wedding, I would have some idea of their food/drink preferences, right?  I'm thinking specifically of people getting married in mid-life, not a young couple.

I remember my parents being invited to the weddings of my dad's co-worker's kids -- I've never understood why people do that, but whatever, it was/is done. So anyway in that case, an invited guest would not know the couple's preferences.

But an older couple getting married, they are going to invite friends and family, right, not people they don't even know. So it seems reasonable to think I'd know if they'd like a bottle of red wine, or of bourbon, or a nice gift box of coffee or tea.  And in any case, food gifts can also be given away, or saved for entertaining.

If it were me, I'd not want gifts. But I'd certainly be delighted to receive, say, a bottle of wine or some nice coffee or tea. And I can't imagine anyone I'd invite to my wedding not knowing what sorts of things I'd enjoy.

Edited March 22, 2021 by marbel