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11 yo boys - do they all hate hugs and "I love you's"?


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Or is it just mine? He liked such affection when he was little, but these days, you'd think he was being tortured. He stands stiff as a board to grudgingly accept a hug. He turns his face away if kissed. If I tell him I love him, he replies "yep".

 

Sigh. I tell him that one day he will treasure hearing the words "I love you". In the meantime, thank goodness my cats don't mind hugs.

Michelle T

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Yes and no.

My son acted like he did, but at almost 18 he occasionally hugs me now and I love it. I think he secretly liked it all those years. My nephew is the same age and never stopped liking it. He was always cuddly and I was actually at times jealous of my sister for having a cuddly son. Treasure him and embarrass him with hugs in front of his friends sometimes. I think it is good for them.

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The book says that you really need to keep the affection going. They really do need it, even if they find it hard to accept and never seek it out.

 

Calvin is still very snuggly, but he only just turned eleven.

 

Laura

 

None of my boys are snuggly but I do believe they need that hands on affection. So I tackle them every night with a hug. They pretend to resist, but I know they'd be bummed if I didn't hug them at least once a day.

 

And, they DO grow out of that "prickly" 10-14" stage. Slowly, but they come out of it.

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I think my nearly 12 yob really needs the physical affection. He will not shy away if I hug him, or if I tell him I love him, but he does turn it into something funny, or a game. He'll hug me as a big dramatic act, pretending to be crying (big, obviously overacting fake, for laughs), rushing into my arms and saying "Oh, it's okay birdie*" I figure that's how he handles needing to hug me, but not necessarily wanting to admit it. I am very happy to play along.

 

* About the "birdie" part ... my kids pretend to be parakeets. Constantly. So they call each other birdie. And they call me birdie. Again, I play along. We're weird, but happy.

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Or is it just mine? He liked such affection when he was little, but these days, you'd think he was being tortured. He stands stiff as a board to grudgingly accept a hug. He turns his face away if kissed. If I tell him I love him, he replies "yep".

 

Sigh. I tell him that one day he will treasure hearing the words "I love you". In the meantime, thank goodness my cats don't mind hugs.

Michelle T

 

 

My son tolerated hugs and kisses and "I loves you" pretty well at that age and I always kept up a certain level of physical contact. But I wouldn't try to convince him he's going to like it some day. No matter how much he hates hugging, he probably hates "let me tell you how you are going to feel some day" even more! lol

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Our son initiates hugs and kisses all through the day. He is very snuggly and still likes to jump into my arms and have me carry him round. In front of other people (especially boys his own age) he is much more reticent. Do you think perhaps your son has been influenced by other boys or even men in your family? I know the snuggliness is something that DH has found different to the way he was brought up. I have come to think that most of this is cultural because the older boys in Denmark seem more snuggly with their parents (mum and dad).

I would avoid or have words with anyone in your life preventing your son being happy to have a hug. Everyone needs affection, hugs and kisses and words. It can be a lonely thing being a child.

 

Wishing you more hugs (warning biased comment coming up: cats are the best aren't they?)

 

Lorna

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My son (12) doesn't mind hugs (still asks for them occasionally as well). He'll hold my hand in stores sometimes.

 

But if I try to be huggy at church or in front of friends, he gets embarrassed. Thankfullyy he's articulate enough to tell me that nicely. :)

 

I think if he were more prickly, it'd be important to keep showing the affection. Boys need it, even if they don't know it. :)

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Everyone needs affection, hugs and kisses and words. It can be a lonely thing being a child.

 

I agree. Last year my son, then 11, pulled away and didn't want ANY hugs or kisses, not even at bedtime... but I felt that I shouldn't completely give up. So, I'd occasionally hug him from behind or the side (side by side, give him a good brief squeeze with my arm around his shoulders), blow him a kiss, pretend to chase him down for a hug but not really, simply rub his back for a sec as I walked by, that kind of thing.

 

I felt that I was telling him I was willing to be affectionate with physical touch, silly or otherwise, and that it was important for him to know that. I think I had too little physical affection as a teenager, and that didn't work out too well for me. I still really need to keep that "tank" filled for my own wellbeing.

 

Wonder of wonders, right around the time of his 12th birthday at Christmastime he started making sure he hugged his dad and me (from behind) at bedtime, whereas before he'd just say goodnight from afar and go to bed!

 

Even more, in the last couple of weeks he's started giving/getting goodnight hugs from his dad & me, and even a little kiss on the cheek from me! Whaddaya know.

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