11 Year Old Girls

[Amy Gen]

My 11 year old is a happy kid. Adults are always telling me how much they love seeing her because she is always smiling and enthusiastic about whatever we are doing. 
 

At home, she loves doing school, she still plays with American Girls and Barbies. She plays SIMs with her 26 year old sister and she plays competitive Teken with her 24 year old brother. 
 

On the swim team, she is always the first to befriend new kids on the team. She makes sure they get to their races on time and waits to cheer for them. She shares her snacks and introduces them to everyone 

But a pattern has emerged. She befriends the new kid and when they make other friends, they dump her. I’m happy for them to make new friends that might be a better fit. I just think that when they walk past her, they should still say Hi in passing, but they don’t. 
 

And then there are the friends that she used to be close to with birthday parties and sleepovers, but now they are only interested in tik tok and makeup while my kid still likes monkey bars and pretend play. I tell her that people have a right to grow up. People have a right to move on. People have a right to have different preferences. But I know it is still a loss. 
 

She has 2 friends right now who she enjoys and she feels like she could trust with anything. I tell her that is more than many people have. 
 

She isn’t unhappy. I’m just worried because she is supposed to move groups with the older girls and she would be leaving her 2 close friends in her old group. She wants to move up badly, but every time the coaches test her, half of me hopes she will fail so that she will stay with the nicer girls. 
 

Is this a big time of change for girls? 
 

I just find it weird that my 14 year old is very discriminating about who she will even talk to and she is treated with 10 times the respect that my 11 year old is. 
 

it is so weird to me, and this is my 4th 11 year old girl. 
 

Can anyone relate?  

[Excelsior! Academy]

57 minutes ago, Amy Gen said:

My 11 year old is a happy kid. Adults are always telling me how much they love seeing her because she is always smiling and enthusiastic about whatever we are doing. 
 

At home, she loves doing school, she still plays with American Girls and Barbies. She plays SIMs with her 26 year old sister and she plays competitive Teken with her 24 year old brother. 
 

On the swim team, she is always the first to befriend new kids on the team. She makes sure they get to their races on time and waits to cheer for them. She shares her snacks and introduces them to everyone 

But a pattern has emerged. She befriends the new kid and when they make other friends, they dump her. I’m happy for them to make new friends that might be a better fit. I just think that when they walk past her, they should still say Hi in passing, but they don’t. 
 

And then there are the friends that she used to be close to with birthday parties and sleepovers, but now they are only interested in tik tok and makeup while my kid still likes monkey bars and pretend play. I tell her that people have a right to grow up. People have a right to move on. People have a right to have different preferences. But I know it is still a loss. 
 

She has 2 friends right now who she enjoys and she feels like she could trust with anything. I tell her that is more than many people have. 
 

She isn’t unhappy. I’m just worried because she is supposed to move groups with the older girls and she would be leaving her 2 close friends in her old group. She wants to move up badly, but every time the coaches test her, half of me hopes she will fail so that she will stay with the nicer girls. 
 

Is this a big time of change for girls? 
 

I just find it weird that my 14 year old is very discriminating about who she will even talk to and she is treated with 10 times the respect that my 11 year old is. 
 

it is so weird to me, and this is my 4th 11 year old girl. 
 

Can anyone relate?  

No advice, but I could've written your post almost word for word with the exception being my youngest is 10 and her sister with all of the friends and respect is 12 1/2.  

[mom2scouts]

I can relate! I have a bunch of boys and a girl. I totally don't understand girl relationship behavior and it often seems very toxic. My dd's coaches, teachers, and youth leaders all rave about how they've never seen her being unkind to anyone. She'll talk and be friendly to everyone, but she really only has one friend right now. 

[Amy Gen]

18 minutes ago, Excelsior! Academy said:

No advice, but I could've written your post almost word for word with the exception being my youngest is 10 and her sister with all of the friends and respect is 12 1/2.  

I wonder if it is like the joke, “I’d never want to be a member of any club that would accept me.”

They don’t get social status from being warm and inviting. Dh said she has nothing to worry about because she has traditional good looks. He means that she is thin, blond, tan and has blue eyes. 
 

I told Dh that sometimes that makes girls even more mean to you. 

[HS Mom in NC]

11 was 6th grade public school for me.  No one I knew that age was playing with dolls, pretend, or on monkey bars.  We were into boys and the usual teen interests. Same with my 3 girls, but our homeschooling communities have been more tolerant of variations in people.

Super friendliness wouldn't have earned respect because the teen years in public school were fairly toxic. Being different kinds of tougher/savvy/cool were respected. It really sucks for nice people. 

[Ausmumof3]

I think homeschool girls sometimes move into the more grown up teen mode a little slower.  I actually think that’s a good and often positive thing - they mature in a sounder deeper kind of way that’s not just boys and make up, but it can make the dynamics weird for a while.  I remember at that age being in such a hurry to grow up and sit around and chat and honestly we would have all been healthier if we’d spent more time on the monkey bars or actually doing stuff.  But that’s just how it was.

Edited March 19, 2021 by Ausmumof3

[Kanin]

8 hours ago, seemesew said:

I also wanted to add I was that 11 year-old who tried to be friendly, always accepted others, befriended new people, and still played with various dolls and toys till I was 13 or 14. I had a hard time about 12 none of my friends wanted to those things anymore, and they were all interested in boys and I just wasn't there yet. I remember being really depressed.

This was me, too, except I wasn't depressed about it 🙂 I had a couple close friends in my neighborhood. Two were boys and the other two were girls a couple years younger than me. 

I think about my childhood fondly, and I'm so glad I didn't have anything to do with cliques or mean girls. If they existed, I didn't know about them - or I just can't remember, so it probably wasn't too bad. Maybe girls weren't as mean when I was 11 in the early 90s!

If your DD is happy, I wouldn't worry. 🙂  Some girls may just be mean-girl-proof!

[Wheres Toto]

Thinking about what it was like when I was that age, my oldest daughter (now 27) and my younger daughter (now 13), I don't think it's all that unusual for friendships to be rough at that age.   It seems that girls, more than boys, mature at very different rates around those ages and are very intolerant of differences.     Things seem to settle down/open up more around 14-16 years old.  

Middle school girls are the absolute worse.  I agree with opening up to the idea of friendships with younger girls, or even older girls who may share one or two common interests (like the SIMS) and be past carrying about only boys and makeup.   Avoiding the age segregation (ESPECIALLY in middle school) is one of the biggest advantages of homeschooling, IMO.

[OH_Homeschooler]

Yes, 11 is absolutely a huge time of change for girls. I hated being that age and I hated my older DDs being that age and I hate that my youngest DD still has to face it. Best friends become worst enemies. Any friends who were boys become enemies. 

But I suppose it's all about finding an identity, and new friends who will accept that identity. 

[hippymamato3]

One pattern that has emerged for DD (11, turning 12 next month) is that she has the ability to have beautiful close friendships, and then her friends decide they like her romantically. This doesn't bother DD at all, but when the interest isn't returned, the friendships seem to fade, though they remain in contact - it's just not the same. This has happened with both boys and girls. We have moved to a new neighborhood and she has met some lovely kids whom she's having a lot of outside fun with. I hope this continues with no drama. She is so, so happy. She also has a best friend she's had since they were 2. No drama there either. 

Edited March 19, 2021 by hippymamato3

[Amy Gen]

11 hours ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

Super friendliness wouldn't have earned respect because the teen years in public school were fairly toxic. Being different kinds of tougher/savvy/cool were respected. It really sucks for nice people. 

This would be my 14 year old. She is so confident and very cool. I worry about the possibility of her being a mean girl, because she for sure does not like some people and everyone in her friend group follows her. Here is what is a little different to me. Even though she has a lot of social status, who she chooses to be around isn’t based on their social status. In fact, it is often the underdog girl who doesn’t have the same brands of clothes that the in kids have, and always the goofy, boys. But when a girl shows that she is going to talk behind the other girls’ backs or tell the grown ups when they teasingly call each other stupid, then she will simply not include them. That seems mean, like I said, it works for her much better than being nice has worked for my youngest. 

[Amy Gen]

56 minutes ago, hippymamato3 said:

One pattern that has emerged for DD is that she has the ability to have beautiful close friendships, and then her friends decide they like her romantically.

This is what happens to my poor 22 year old. My sister was the same way. They go along thinking a friendship is going great and everyone enjoys doing things together and them, Boom! The friend makes the big announcement that they are romantically interested. Then it is really hard to get back to being close friends without a bunch of awkwardness. 
 

It doesn’t help that my kid says she has never really had romantic feelings for anyone except fictional characters. 
 

 

[regentrude]

16 hours ago, Amy Gen said:

Is this a big time of change for girls? 

I just find it weird that my 14 year old is very discriminating about who she will even talk to and she is treated with 10 times the respect that my 11 year old is.

Huge time for change in girls.
And it can be a very lonely place for girls who don't have the "typical" interests that match those of the pack; girls that age can turn into vicious animals when they are in groups.
Being friendly and open doesn't buy status. Being selective and only hanging with certain people moves you up higher on the status ladder; no wonder your 14 y/o gets respect. Nice isn't rewarded.

The social dynamics in girl groups of this age are one of the main reason we pulled DD out to homeschool. Only to be rudely awakened to see that bullying gets even worse when the homeschool mothers become involved and start bullying one another. Uggh.

[hippymamato3]

1 minute ago, regentrude said:

 

The social dynamics in girl groups of this age are one of the main reason we pulled DD out to homeschool. Only to be rudely awakened to see that bullying gets even worse when the homeschool mothers become involved and start bullying one another. Uggh.

This was a huge factor in why we homeschooled also. We found that homeschooled kids aren't actually any better. 

[regentrude]

1 minute ago, hippymamato3 said:

This was a huge factor in why we homeschooled also. We found that homeschooled kids aren't actually any better. 

I was naive and had thought that the environment school would be a main cause - but the worst bullying I have ever witnessed was among homeschooled girls.

[Amy Gen]

4 hours ago, Kanin said:

If your DD is happy, I wouldn't worry. 🙂  Some girls may just be mean-girl-proof!

One of DDs close friends has a very powerful personality. I don’t know how to explain it. She isn’t loud or anything, she is just powerful. When she was about 6, she was very threatened by my youngest. We were at a meet where the coach was giving out prizes for best times, and my Dd was on fire, getting one for every race. 
 

Her friend asked to read the words on one on Dds prizes and then “accidentally” dropped it in the warm up pool which was closed, so they couldn’t get it back out. 
 

I told Dd to pretend that she had forgotten all about it, and act all “That old thing?” When the other girls brought it up. It worked in winning the respect of the friend and now they are besties even though the friend just turned 8.  My daughter said, “I feel like I could tell K. anything in the world. She just needed time to grow up a little bit.”

 

Being trustworthy seems to be a big factor at this age. The middle school and high school seem really awful in the neighboring town. My daughter finds many of the girls there pretentious. They are all fake and backstabbing each other all of the time. Even though I worry about my 14 year old being mean, the parents of her friends rave about her and how much their kids love having someone they can trust. 
 

So here is what I think is bugging my. I think real maturity may be something different from what the girls and some of their parents. For example, a bunch of girls are running in the grass and building things with sticks and rocks. Another girl the same age comes over, looks down her nose at them, tries to lure the high status girl off to do something else, fails at that, then walks away. Her mother says, “She is just more mature than that group.”  I feel like it isn’t maturity to be too insecure to let loose and have fun.  I feel like the ones having to put people down and act superior are less mature. But I guess that isn’t how most people see it. 
 

In any case, if Dd does move up this month, I’m going to make an extra effort to have her meet up with her close friends from the other group every week. 

[prairiewindmomma]

I can relate. (Edited out details)

Edited March 19, 2021 by prairiewindmomma

[matrips]

It is. My 16yo still played dolls (and likely would again) at that age.  Many at her homeschool coop were into boys and music and stuff she wasn’t.  So she ate lunch with a girl in a wheelchair because they could just talk, and that’s what dd enjoyed.  She had another close friend who also still liked to play. I felt sad for her, but she seemed content. It continued into high school as well; she was friends with everyone, and yet no one. She just works harder at finding girls she had more in common with.  She still isn’t into boys (she’s a triplet with two brothers, so I think they have de-mystified and ruined any teenage boy allure for her!). She has just a couple ‘true’ friends and many friendly acquaintances. And she probably gets along better with adults.

[Wheres Toto]

1 hour ago, regentrude said:

I was naive and had thought that the environment school would be a main cause - but the worst bullying I have ever witnessed was among homeschooled girls.

The main benefit of homeschooling to me was that they didn't have to continue seeing their bullies on a daily basis with no supervision and lots of witnesses to their humiliation.