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We have four boys-9, 11, 12, 14 and the hardest thing for me as a parent is deciding what is best for our family-it always seems like what is best for one is worse for another. 
 

Anyway, we have lived in our current location in the Midwest for almost two years. Dh and I do not like it here. Dh doesn’t like his job here. However, I just got a job here that is great for someone who has been a SAHM for so long. And the kids went to school for the first time and I am super happy with the schools. My oldest is the starting catcher on his freshman baseball team. My 12yr old has tons of friends. We love our house (such a blessing those months we didn’t leave it!)
 

Dh is thinking of applying to other jobs and moving again. The jobs would pay more and he would enjoy them more. Dh is 40, so still has lots of working years to go. I doubt he will be happy doing this job for 20 more years. If we are going to move again, I feel like we should do it before the kids get any older.

This decision is taking up all my brain power and giving me stress dreams. How do you make decisions like this? Is moving in high school something that really affects someone for their life? Are we stuck here for the next 10 years while we have someone in high school?

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Personally I really don't like to uproot myself or my kids, and I would try to find a different solution.

Are there no reasonable jobs for your husband within reasonable driving distance of your current home?  If that is the case, then I guess it's better to move now than wait until everyone is in high school.  Otherwise, I would at least try to wait until all the kids are through school.

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7 minutes ago, lovinmyboys said:

We have four boys-9, 11, 12, 14 and the hardest thing for me as a parent is deciding what is best for our family-it always seems like what is best for one is worse for another. 
 

Anyway, we have lived in our current location in the Midwest for almost two years. Dh and I do not like it here. Dh doesn’t like his job here. However, I just got a job here that is great for someone who has been a SAHM for so long. And the kids went to school for the first time and I am super happy with the schools. My oldest is the starting catcher on his freshman baseball team. My 12yr old has tons of friends. We love our house (such a blessing those months we didn’t leave it!)
 

Dh is thinking of applying to other jobs and moving again. The jobs would pay more and he would enjoy them more. Dh is 40, so still has lots of working years to go. I doubt he will be happy doing this job for 20 more years. If we are going to move again, I feel like we should do it before the kids get any older.

This decision is taking up all my brain power and giving me stress dreams. How do you make decisions like this? Is moving in high school something that really affects someone for their life? Are we stuck here for the next 10 years while we have someone in high school?

Yes if you are going to move, do it sooner rather than later.

No it does not damage someone for life to move in high school but it definitely makes things more difficult.

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I don't know if this will be helpful or not, but we moved three time while I was in high school. I went to three different high schools in three different states. I really don't feel it negatively impacted me. The only downsides I remember were the first day of school and how I had to study Romeo and Juliet three years in a row, haha.  I remember commiserating with an army brat once, but honestly, I don't really remember those years as particularly hard. I will say though that as a family culture, we didn't have the "high school years are the best years of your life" mentality.

We live on the same road dh grew up on and he has 0 contact with anyone he went to school with, and he went all 12 years with the same people in a small rural school. I mean they acknowledge each other if they run into each other some where, but by the time he got out of college and moved back everyone who had stayed behind had started their own lives if you know what I mean. He has put more energy in maintaining relationships with college buddies.

ETA: all that moving had 0 impact on my ability to attend the college I wanted to attend

Edited by saraha
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Just echoing that moving in high school won’t scar anyone for life.  I moved in high school, and it’s had no impact on the rest of my life. Really no big deal.
 

I would start working on applying now, and do the move as soon as you can, but wouldn’t worry too much about it.  
 

Life is too short to stay in a place where you are not happy, and if you wait till all your kids are out of high school ... well, that’s a long wait!

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My kids moved a lot-and it didn't affect them negatively at all.  

But I agree with some of the other posters, better moving sooner than later.  And no, your husband should not have to have a job he dislikes and live in an area both of you dislike.

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1 hour ago, lovinmyboys said:

We have four boys-9, 11, 12, 14 and the hardest thing for me as a parent is deciding what is best for our family-it always seems like what is best for one is worse for another. 
 

Anyway, we have lived in our current location in the Midwest for almost two years. Dh and I do not like it here. Dh doesn’t like his job here. However, I just got a job here that is great for someone who has been a SAHM for so long. And the kids went to school for the first time and I am super happy with the schools. My oldest is the starting catcher on his freshman baseball team. My 12yr old has tons of friends. We love our house (such a blessing those months we didn’t leave it!)
 

Dh is thinking of applying to other jobs and moving again. The jobs would pay more and he would enjoy them more. Dh is 40, so still has lots of working years to go. I doubt he will be happy doing this job for 20 more years. If we are going to move again, I feel like we should do it before the kids get any older.

This decision is taking up all my brain power and giving me stress dreams. How do you make decisions like this? Is moving in high school something that really affects someone for their life? Are we stuck here for the next 10 years while we have someone in high school?

(((((lovinmyboys))))

ITA with sooner than later, but you know, children whose parents are in the military move all the time. I went to three junior highs and four high schools in three states, and I lived to tell about it. 🙂 Of course, children whose parents are in the military grow up knowing that they will be moving frequently, but still, it's not going to hurt your dc to move. Just do it sooner rather than later.

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We moved right before my oldest kids’ senior and sophomore years.

It was rough and in hindsight, even as die hard homeschoolers, I would have put the sophomore in school. The senior wasn't particularly happy and it was a long year but it was only a year and it would have been hard to work out getting all his credits in order to graduate. We could have worked it out for the sophomore. As homeschoolers, it was just too hard to find friends with anyone in common. We tried, but the group was just too limiting. He is a social kid and would have made friends in public school. It was just too hard not having the school as a hub of activity. 

So, moving in high school was rough. That said, both those kiddos are off and graduated from college and living out of state. It didn't disrupt them for the rest of their lives. They learned some lessons through it too. The younger kids were 2nd and 7th grade and they did fine with the move.

The job here is so much better for dh and our family financially. We were better able to help with college and transitioning to adulthood because we were in a better place financially. So that benefited them.

Most moves are a mixed bag, I think. Ours is a net gain for our family but definitely has had some rough times. I would do it again, but I would be more attentive to what might help my high schoolers. For the oldest I kept thinking "it is just a year" and not really worrying about him. But that year was LONG. For the second I would have put him in school. 

But we got through it and they are well adjusted and doing great and they learned alot about handling setbacks and disruptions in life. 

ETA: Ours was a forced move, Dh was suddenly unemployed and this was the job he got. So, we didn't have the stress of having to make the decision. The decision was out of our hands in that dh needed a job asap. We probably never would have taken the plunge to move if not under duress. But in the end it was good that we had the little shove because it really is better in the long run.

 

 

Edited by teachermom2834
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I will agree with sooner rather than later. And I'll point out that this year is like no other, at least here in Oregon and perhaps all of the west coast. Kids just haven't been in school for a year. I would think it would be an easy (or easier) time to move and start fresh some place new. Everyone is starting something new in the fall. Our freshmen where I teach have never been in the building. So everyone will be making new connections in the fall and stepping back into life. I do realize that's not the case everywhere, but it's such a unique year. And huge decisions like that are always stressful, but I would go ahead and encourage your dh to see what's out there.

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To add to what others have said.....sometimes it can be worse when parents move after high school...because then when they come 'home' to visit, they have no history there at all and it doesn't even feel like home.  

If your kids currently have good friends where they are, technologies makes it possible to keep in touch quite easily.  It isn't like when I left WA state for AR when I was 10 and never spoke to or saw my best friend again.

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If you are looking to move back into the workforce and the job you have now is a good stepping stone to that then I would stay put for a few years.  You already have one child in high school, so anytime you move in the next 9 years you’ll be moving someone in high school.  Stick it out for a few more years to have a solid job on your resume when you do move.

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38 minutes ago, Danae said:

If you are looking to move back into the workforce and the job you have now is a good stepping stone to that then I would stay put for a few years.  You already have one child in high school, so anytime you move in the next 9 years you’ll be moving someone in high school.  Stick it out for a few more years to have a solid job on your resume when you do move.

That’s a very good point.

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You've mentioned two "do not likes" and a few "do likes".

1 - do not like it "here", except you like the house, the schools, and your job, and the kids have friends. So not sure what about "here" you don't like and how that weighs in a quality of life scale vs. the do likes.
 

2- your DH does not like his job. Are there not other jobs within the area he could apply to? Is the job the reason he doesn't like "here", or is there more to the area that makes it undesirable as mentioned above.

My own DH tends to have a 'grass is greener' mentality. So, I've gotten very good at trying to dissect every little complaint over the past 20 years before moving forward on making any decisions. Maybe my experience will be of some value to you.

My advice: get it out of your head and on paper. Make a good old fashioned pros and cons list.

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Kid's sensitivity levels on moving during tween/teen years will vary.  I know kids that rolled along and adapted easily.  And kids that struggled for a couple years and had a lot of bitterness.  I guess I wouldn't move without very carefully measuring a new area for amenities, schools, etc  and really weighing the disposition of my own children.  

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We have chosen not to.  We did discuss it when we were at your point, but dh was not quite ready.  We are half way between the 10 year wait.  Sometimes I wish we had moved.  Friendship groups did shift in high school, and  what I thought was a great situation ended up toxic for some of my kids.  But at that point the others were settled and had opportunities it would be hard to recreate.  I'm not sure there is a right or wrong you can depend on.

I also think it depends on if you are moving somewhere with a thriving homeschool community.  We live in an area with few homeschoolers so sometimes it's squeezing blood from a stone to find opportunities and much of what comes is within friend groups long established.  If we had the opportunity to move to an area with a lot of co-ops and homeschool robotic teams and sports teams, maybe.

I sometimes wish we'd never moved when the kids were young. I"m so glad to be nearer family, but the adults in our family were a lot happier where we used to live.  But I never ever would have guessed that all those years ago.

(The above sounds really depressing I think.  Honestly, we are doing okay.  The kids are thriving and we adults aren't mired in depression or anything.  It's just not the best place for us (mostly dh hasn't made good friends and we don't have couple friends like we've had other places).  But we will have to relocate at some point (our house comes with the job and the COL is too high for us to stay here) so we have hope that we will end up somewhere better.)

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Thanks everyone for your ideas! 

I agree that liking the house, schools, and my job are all pretty high on the list for quality of life. I just don’t like this area at all. We have been here almost two years and other than those three things I will miss nothing if we leave. I really do not want to live here 9 more years or longer. 

Dh really feels like if he stays here he will just be stuck-have no career advancement and he thinks he is too young for that.

This is the fifth place we have lived in the last 11 years, so we have moved quite a bit. I really don’t want to keep moving my kids around, but I also don’t want to stay here. 

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Oh I missed it that you don't like the area either.  What don't you like about it?  That might help you figure out where you really want to be.  Is there a place that you have lived that you liked?  Would you want to move back there?  Or do you have somewhere else you already know you want to move to? 

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1 hour ago, lovinmyboys said:

 

This is the fifth place we have lived in the last 11 years, so we have moved quite a bit. I really don’t want to keep moving my kids around, but I also don’t want to stay here. 

Were the other moves for specific reasons or do you tend to get tired of a place after a couple of years? 

It’s ok to want to climb the ladder to a higher job, but it’s also ok to decide to stick with something and just be the best at it. (a assuming a lot of things, such as salary is enough to support you guys, the job isn’t going to vanish, etc.)

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1 minute ago, Annie G said:

Were the other moves for specific reasons or do you tend to get tired of a place after a couple of years? 

It’s ok to want to climb the ladder to a higher job, but it’s also ok to decide to stick with something and just be the best at it. (a assuming a lot of things, such as salary is enough to support you guys, the job isn’t going to vanish, etc.)

Every time we have moved is because DH got promoted. I think when he came here he thought he might be happy stopping his career progression, but now he thinks he won’t be happy staying at this level for 20 more years. 
 

We lived on his salary alone for 15 years, so he makes enough money for us to survive.
 

Thinking about it more, it pretty much comes down to whether it is worth it for DH to stop “climbing the ladder” so that our kids can put down roots. 

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20 minutes ago, lovinmyboys said:

Every time we have moved is because DH got promoted. I think when he came here he thought he might be happy stopping his career progression, but now he thinks he won’t be happy staying at this level for 20 more years. 
 

We lived on his salary alone for 15 years, so he makes enough money for us to survive.
 

Thinking about it more, it pretty much comes down to whether it is worth it for DH to stop “climbing the ladder” so that our kids can put down roots. 

Moving for promotions makes sense. But yeah, it’s so hard to decide whose happiness should be front of the line. 20 more years is a long time to hate your job, but a kid only gets one childhood. Tough call!!!

We lived in 3 places in 5 years due to jobs, and dh finally said he was done climbing the ladder so the kids could set down roots. (Our oldest really had a lot of trouble with our moves and leaving friends). now they’re all grown and we’ve ALL moved away from that state. So staying put and letting the kids set down roots didn’t matter beyond high school. You just never know...

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3 minutes ago, Annie G said:

 

We lived in 3 places in 5 years due to jobs, and dh finally said he was done climbing the ladder so the kids could set down roots. (Our oldest really had a lot of trouble with our moves and leaving friends). now they’re all grown and we’ve ALL moved away from that state. So staying put and letting the kids set down roots didn’t matter beyond high school. You just never know...

This is a good point about the roots not mattering. You just never know. I grew up in the same town with extended family. We moved away when we got married. My parents followed a few years later and now I haven’t even been back to visit in 15 years 🙁people don’t stay put nowadays and it is sad. 
 

I have seen so many cases of people moving to be near family and then that family moves or people staying in a neighborhood to be near friends and then those friends move. It’s tough. 

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