Jump to content

Menu

how would you handle this?


Recommended Posts

13 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

My mom was a teacher for 20 years and says she only had one student she felt needed medication for ADHD but lots and lots were medicated. 

Interesting. Why did she felt that way? 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 400
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Posts

How would I handle it? Most of your kids have executive functioning issues. (Half of mine do too, so I am very much living this also.) Figure out what works for your kid. I have one kid who

I know that this is not what you want to hear, but it's the only thing that I can suggest. You have to provide the executive function that she lacks. I know it stinks. But there it is. So, I

Meant to add: My ds sounds similar to your dd, but we don't have a cat. He drops his clothes in the middle of the floor. I started putting a laundry basket right in that spot and most of the time

30 minutes ago, BusyMom5 said:

I do family cleaning time, too, and I still do ot with teens (I've got 13, 16 and almost 18 at home now).  Family cleaning time is not for bedrooms, though- its for picking up family areas. Everyone here participates if I call Cleaning time.  If someone is working,  lucky them.  Our home still needs picked up so those home do it.  Today we were all home- including DH- and we had a much needed hour of cleaning  (snow stuff up, mud areas cleaned,  laundry, a few younger kids needed extra encouragement in their rooms).  1 hour, lots of dusting and vacuuming, putting away- We are set for a clean start to the week!  If they live here, they will help pick up.  

 

What do you do for bedrooms?

And I’m glad that works with some teens!! I like the arrangement. Obviously we’ll stop if it stops working, but it’s encouraging that it didn’t for you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Huh. To me that’s like saying too many kids needed glasses. Most of them could see enough to not fall off a cliff or walk into a busy street so only the kid in the 20 years she taught who couldn’t see far enough  to avoid cars needed glasses.

Huge quality of life improvement when glasses help you see the words in a book or the leaves on a tree. 

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
18 minutes ago, Thatboyofmine said:

Isn’t your ‘bonus teen’ a sister or cousin or niece?   It will be different.  You come across as very regimented sometimes.  I have to be honest...your kids will cure you of that.  😱😆  Someone said your oldest is around 7-8, I think?    I thought I had it all together at that age, too. 🤣  Little did I know...  😱😱😱

I was the world's most together mom when my eldest was 8. 

Life sure has a sense of humor 😂

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites
25 minutes ago, Thatboyofmine said:

Isn’t your ‘bonus teen’ a sister or cousin or niece?   It will be different.  You come across as very regimented sometimes.  I have to be honest...your kids will cure you of that.  😱😆  Someone said your oldest is around 7-8, I think?    I thought I had it all together at that age, too. 🤣  Little did I know...  😱😱😱

She’s my sister. But she’s 17 years younger and she thinks of us as almost her parents. Her parents had a hideous divorce and are very, very difficult. We did all her college prep with her and she’s visited us for months in summers.

Link to post
Share on other sites
30 minutes ago, Thatboyofmine said:

I thought I had it all together at that age, too. 🤣

I don't feel like I have it all together, for the record. My oldest is 8, and we're trying our best, and that's all I can say about it. 

I do wish someone had taught me more about how to keep a house reasonable, which is why I'm thinking about it. I had to figure out how to deal with all these things myself, and it was hard. But I'm also not interested in power struggles with teens, so I'm sure I'd have to figure out what works and what doesn't when we get there. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

My mom was a teacher for 20 years and says she only had one student she felt needed medication for ADHD but lots and lots were medicated. 

Yes, this is really a thing.  We sometimes (I think especially here in CA) expect inappropriate levels of attentiveness of our young children, and then try to compensate for that by medicating them.  Both are very real phenomena.

  • Like 3
  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

ADD doesn’t just affect academics. It affects social relationships. It affects your ability to manage your life (executive functioning skills). It affects nearly every aspect of your life.

Are unrealistic expectations of students a problem? Yes. But that isn’t and shouldn’t be the driver of whether a kid with ADD-I/ADHD needs stimulant medication to help their brain fire appropriately.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
3 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

ADD doesn’t just affect academics. It affects social relationships. It affects your ability to manage your life (executive functioning skills). It affects nearly every aspect of your life.

Are unrealistic expectations of students a problem? Yes. But that isn’t and shouldn’t be the driver of whether a kid with ADD-I/ADHD needs stimulant medication to help their brain fire appropriately.

I'm all for medicating kids for whom that improves quality of life, but I don't think it's like needing glasses. I don't think we fully understand how any brain medications work or how they fix the issues, and that goes for basically all medications: anti-depressants, ADHD meds, everything.

So, I wouldn't agree that it's "helping their brain fire appropriately." I think it's enough to say it improves quality of life. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

We still mostly do family clean up time with the teens, at least for not daily cleaning. More like once a week. So I wouldn't say this is a strategy that doesn't work. Nothing else has ever worked for us at all.

  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, Farrar said:

We still mostly do family clean up time with the teens, at least for not daily cleaning. More like once a week. So I wouldn't say this is a strategy that doesn't work. Nothing else has ever worked for us at all.

That's what DH was suggesting when I mentioned this thread to him -- that we'd do it once a week when they get older. I like that idea, since it teaches the idea of having consistency and a schedule but leaves the kids more independent. 

Of course, we'll see how everything goes as they get older!! But it's good to hear this method still works for some people. 

Did you use to do daily cleaning with them? 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, Not_a_Number said:

That's what DH was suggesting when I mentioned this thread to him -- that we'd do it once a week when they get older. I like that idea, since it teaches the idea of having consistency and a schedule but leaves the kids more independent. 

Of course, we'll see how everything goes as they get older!! But it's good to hear this method still works for some people. 

Did you use to do daily cleaning with them? 

Yes. When the kids were little, we did daily clean up time. At some point, we stopped and adopted more of a pitch in attitude. We're not super consistent, so there's that. But they're responsible for their spaces and for if they've left things laying about too much and sometimes I have to hassle them a bit. But mostly when it's time to really clean up - sweep, vacuum, wipe things down, really put away piles of things that have accumulated because they were in use but aren't anymore - we all just do it together.

  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, Farrar said:

Yes. When the kids were little, we did daily clean up time. At some point, we stopped and adopted more of a pitch in attitude. We're not super consistent, so there's that. But they're responsible for their spaces and for if they've left things laying about too much and sometimes I have to hassle them a bit. But mostly when it's time to really clean up - sweep, vacuum, wipe things down, really put away piles of things that have accumulated because they were in use but aren't anymore - we all just do it together.

Thanks, Farrar. It's good to hear that this strategy keeps working for some people, because it's definitely the strategy I prefer, and I hope it keeps working for us, too. 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Thatboyofmine said:

What I’m getting out is don’t worry over it.   Don’t have a plan about when they’re older, we’ll do so and so.   It really will come naturally.   You’ll adjust expectations, and they’ll figure out what they’re comfortable with in the own rooms.   Just pick your battles.  Messy rooms for teens are never, ever a battle worth fighting over.  Ever.   (So long as there’s no bugs, droppings)

I'm not worried 🙂. I just like planning ahead. I'm very good at adjusting as needed, but I also like thinking things things out.

Thanks for explaining how it works in your house!! It's really helpful to hear people's experiences. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Darn, quoting is borked again. Seriously, wtf. And I can't copy and paste either.

Scarlett, was your mother's opinion based on having actually seen the same students with and without medication, or was this her gut instinct?

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

My mom was a teacher for 20 years and says she only had one student she felt needed medication for ADHD but lots and lots were medicated. 

Sorry, that really frustrates me.  No teacher at any time mentioned anything about my daughter. She flew under the radar, was very quiet during class, was smart enough to pull off good grades, but the sheer amount of effort it took was destroying her. No one would have known except someone that lived with her and saw how much effort she had to put into daily tasks.  She got a 4.2 in school and took 12 AP's and passed all of them. But she also hit three cars (going five miles an hour), has lost or broken nearly everything she owns, had severe social anxiety for years because she would irritate her peers, and has panic disorder now.  Days that she doesn't take her meds she might forget to eat, miss appointments, lose her keys, leave her car running over night, etc.  No teacher would have known any of these things. 

It's not called an invisible disability for nothing. 

  • Like 6
  • Thanks 2
  • Sad 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

If my teens are having a hard time keeping up with things that I consider important (schoolwork, certain level of cleanliness, chores, etc.), these tasks go on a list. If everything on the list isn’t completed by x time at night, then for the whole next day, no phone/tablet/netflix/whatever it is that is keeping them from getting these things done. We repeat this nightly as long as needed until the a good routine is reestablished. I only use this tactic when things have gotten off track and an “intervention” is needed. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, Melissa Louise said:

It is pretty normal not to have many rules about a teen's room. 

This is not a hill most parents of my acquaintance even think about climbing. 

 

 

Damn skippy! 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, Thatboyofmine said:

Yes, I think too many are medicated.  But if she thought only one needed meds, maybe that’s because others (who did need them) were already on them?  

 

7 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

Darn, quoting is borked again. Seriously, wtf. And I can't copy and paste either.

Scarlett, was your mother's opinion based on having actually seen the same students with and without medication, or was this her gut instinct?

It was a small school.  She usually had 12 students or so. Sometimes for a couple of years straight if grades were combined. So yes she did see the students in the school often before they were medicated.  She filled out many forms requested by doctors for her students.  
 

She did not insert her opinion beyond that and she knows she realizes she is not a doctor.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

 

It was a small school.  She usually had 12 students or so. Sometimes for a couple of years straight if grades were combined. So yes she did see the students in the school often before they were medicated.  She filled out many forms requested by doctors for her students.  
 

She did not insert her opinion beyond that and she knows she realizes she is not a doctor.

 

I think it’s possible to believe that some kids really need the medications and that people are sometimes overmedicating.

  • Thanks 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
12 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

I have 3 teens at home now.

dd19 has always been tidy so it's never been an issue for her.

dd15 can be messy but she likes it tidy. It's just that sometimes she just doesn't care enough to straighten it up. However, her room is TINY, so generally, when she wants to have a guest she cleans it up so they can enjoy themselves in her room. I used to simply tie the two together "Your friend is coming over Friday, I expect your room to be clean by then."

For us, clean room means things off the floor, clean/dirty clothes are put away, bed made. They can dust or not. I don't care if things are cluttery, but I do want the floor vacuumed or swept depending on whether it's carpeted or not.

My ds is 13. He has a really hard time with mess, just no sense of personal organization, but he does like it when things are clean. So I still help him clean, We do it together, just picking up stuff and straightening his dresser and all. We dust his room more frequently, mostly because he has allergies and that goes better if it's dusted regular. I do want a daily quick tidy so that mostly consists of picking up dirty clothes, putting away shoes, hanging up coats, etc. He can do that in less than 5 minutes. I do that mostly because he loses things and can't get out the door if he can't find his shoes or coat or something.

So it's not a free for all here, but I do keep a fairly low standard for their rooms.

Thank you.  This is the most reasonable thing I have seen about teen rooms in a while.

I don't understand how 'teens need their own space' somehow became 'anything goes' (with the exception of no food....seems no one allows food).  

  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Thank you.  This is the most reasonable thing I have seen about teen rooms in a while.

I don't understand how 'teens need their own space' somehow became 'anything goes' (with the exception of no food....seems no one allows food).  

I am also curious about this. I mean, obviously I don’t have a teen, and somehow none of my experiences with my little sister count (even though she thinks of us as her main family and she just visited us for a month during Christmas break and we did all the work to get her into college), but this stance is odd to me. 

ETA: I can see that no one really gets how you can have a pretty parental relationship with a sister. It’s because my family is deeply dysfunctional, and if no one stepped up, she’d have had to raise herself. That’s how.

Edited by Not_a_Number
  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, Not_a_Number said:

I am also curious about this. I mean, obviously I don’t have a teen, and somehow none of my experiences with my little sister count (even though she thinks of us as her main family and she just visited us for a month during Christmas break and we did all the work to get her into college), but this stance is odd to me. 

It is odd to me and I have 3 adult sons.  One of those adults will be 20 in a few weeks and his room is horrible and it causes many many problems for me.  I keep getting advice to just keep his door shut and not worry about it.  I will never agree that anyone should be allowed to live rent free in my home and have their room so horrible.  

For teens that I am still legally responsible for it is a little different....I still consider that a time I am helping them learn how to keep things neat and clean.  

I would never allow a paid boarder who lived that way.  And I am not sure why a young adult living for free gets a pass.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, Scarlett said:

I would never allow a paid boarder who lived that way.  And I am not sure why a young adult living for free gets a pass.

I would guess people are mostly saying this because they find the effort to make it better takes too much of a toll on their relationship. And I absolutely understand not picking this battle for the sake of the relationship.

On the other hand, constant sources of irritation are also not great for relationships. So I don’t know what to say there.

I have definitely had to bite my tongue about things people (like my sister) aren’t receptive to, because I find power struggles unproductive. But sometimes it’s hard to deal with situations you find intolerable but also unsolvable (except by people other than yourself.) 

  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

One other side note about differences in expectations -- living in an apartment vs living in a larger house with more land might contribute to the relative importance of having every space clean vs letting bedrooms get messy.  I know when we lived in a smaller house, I felt like I needed everything organized - otherwise it was visually overwhelming.  Our last house in a semi rural area was HUGE and did not really have an open floor plan.  You could have multiple rooms messy and you couldn't see them.  I never cared what the kids' rooms looked like, and they also barely got cluttered as they were so big.  Now we are in an in between house so we have an in between amount of clutter.  It's all relative. 

  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, SanDiegoMom said:

One other side note about differences in expectations -- living in an apartment vs living in a larger house with more land might contribute to the relative importance of having every space clean vs letting bedrooms get messy.  I know when we lived in a smaller house, I felt like I needed everything organized - otherwise it was visually overwhelming.  Our last house in a semi rural area was HUGE and did not really have an open floor plan.  You could have multiple rooms messy and you couldn't see them.  I never cared what the kids' rooms looked like, and they also barely got cluttered as they were so big.  Now we are in an in between house so we have an in between amount of clutter.  It's all relative. 

Yeah, we live in 1000 square feet. It’s not like that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Not_a_Number said:

Yeah, we live in 1000 square feet. It’s not like that.

We lived in 1100 square foot townhouses for two different duty stations in a row when my husband was active duty military.  They were two stories, so 550 feet on each floor.   They were ALWAYS tidy and organized because otherwise it would immediately become non functional or someone would get hurt tripping over something.  I could feel the anxiety rise in me anytime there was clutter.  

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
On 2/27/2021 at 12:36 PM, Selkie said:

You're not, which is why animal shelters are overflowing and 1.5 million shelter animals are euthanized each year.

Too many people have unrealistic expectations of perfection for their pets, and the animals are the ones who pay the price.

You are putting words in my mouth.  I did not say I would euthanize an animal or drop it at a shelter or that I expect perfection out of an animal.  I am talking about this specific situation which is that the cat is known to pee on clothing left on the floor and the teen is not cooperating on either keeping the clothing picked up or keeping the cat out of her room.  So my solution for that situation is to get rid of the cat.  

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, SanDiegoMom said:

We lived in 1100 square foot townhouses for two different duty stations in a row when my husband was active duty military.  They were two stories, so 550 feet on each floor.   They were ALWAYS tidy and organized because otherwise it would immediately become non functional or someone would get hurt tripping over something.  I could feel the anxiety rise in me anytime there was clutter.  

Yeah, exactly. My anxiety rises when there’s a mess. I don’t want to spend all day cleaning... hence the family cleaning time. Because otherwise, the space isn’t usable.

Thank you for pointing out that the size of the space is a really relevant variable!! I didn’t even think of that.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
9 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

I would guess people are mostly saying this because they find the effort to make it better takes too much of a toll on their relationship. And I absolutely understand not picking this battle for the sake of the relationship.

On the other hand, constant sources of irritation are also not great for relationships. So I don’t know what to say there.

I have definitely had to bite my tongue about things people (like my sister) aren’t receptive to, because I find power struggles unproductive. But sometimes it’s hard to deal with situations you find intolerable but also unsolvable (except by people other than yourself.) 

Yes, I do get this is what they are saying.  And I have thought a lot about it.  Oddly my friend told me a few days ago that I need to have a talk with my son and tell him that I love him and I do not want our relationship ruined, and that it is very upsetting to me to have a horrible room in my house.  

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

You are putting words in my mouth.  I did not say I would euthanize an animal or drop it at a shelter or that I expect perfection out of an animal.  I am talking about this specific situation which is that the cat is known to pee on clothing left on the floor and the teen is not cooperating on either keeping the clothing picked up or keeping the cat out of her room.  So my solution for that situation is to get rid of the cat.  

What would you do with the cat, though? 

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Not_a_Number said:

What would you do with the cat, though? 

I would take it to my friends who live in the country.  They have a barn and lots of mice and they are always up to have another outside cat.  They even let them in the house some every day for petting and attention.  

Link to post
Share on other sites
3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I would take it to my friends who live in the country.  They have a barn and lots of mice and they are always up to have another outside cat.  They even let them in the house some every day for petting and attention.  

I’ll say that this wouldn’t work for all cats. Like, one of our friends has a cat with an anxiety disorder and no life skills 😉 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
5 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

I’ll say that this wouldn’t work for all cats. Like, one of our friends has a cat with an anxiety disorder and no life skills 😉 

Ha.  Well, this particular cat could probably easily be rehomed to a family where they did not leave clothes on the floor.

  • Like 2
  • Haha 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Perhaps general layout of the house makes a difference too. All bedrooms in my home are directly visible from the living areas, and due to air conditioning and heating, keeping doors closed means that the bedrooms are either way hot or cold. This means that there is no way for me to ignore overwhelming messes in bedrooms. 

I also have kids who lose things like crazy. No matter how many time "natural consequences" kick in, (you can't go to x activity if you don't have shoes) they still lose shoes, tae kwon do uniforms, music folders, drama scripts, etc. So, it's less frustrating for our relationship for me to say "Straighten up your room once a week." than it is for me to walk out the door and make them miss their lesson (THAT I'VE PAID FOR!) 

I've learned that griping and nagging is less productive than just having a time when I either make a hard deadline (clean your room before your friend comes over) or when I sit in my son's room while we clean up together.

ETA: I am not saying that this is the ONLY RIGHT WAY to manage teen rooms. But it works for our family, for our household layout, for my particular kids. And it is not unreasonable.

Edited by fairfarmhand
  • Like 4
  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

I've learned that griping and nagging is less productive than just having a time when I either make a hard deadline (clean your room before your friend comes over) or when I sit in my son's room while we clean up together.

Nagging is very unproductive, lol. For just about everything. The only things I've found productive are either 

a) A time where we do it together

or 

b) A small, consistent, unemotional penalty for not doing it, when it's a habit that is easy to build and is within reach of a kid's independent abilities (like putting dishes in the sink or never putting clothes on the floor.) 

I've never tried a penalty with older kids, so I don't know if it works, but I know that it works on my little kids. 

Edited by Not_a_Number
Link to post
Share on other sites
11 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

Perhaps general layout of the house makes a difference too. All bedrooms in my home are directly visible from the living areas, and due to air conditioning and heating, keeping doors closed means that the bedrooms are either way hot or cold. This means that there is no way for me to ignore overwhelming messes in bedrooms. 

I also have kids who lose things like crazy. No matter how many time "natural consequences" kick in, (you can't go to x activity if you don't have shoes) they still lose shoes, tae kwon do uniforms, music folders, drama scripts, etc. So, it's less frustrating for our relationship for me to say "Straighten up your room once a week." than it is for me to walk out the door and make them miss their lesson (THAT I'VE PAID FOR!) 

I've learned that griping and nagging is less productive than just having a time when I either make a hard deadline (clean your room before your friend comes over) or when I sit in my son's room while we clean up together.

ETA: I am not saying that this is the ONLY RIGHT WAY to manage teen rooms. But it works for our family, for our household layout, for my particular kids. And it is not unreasonable.

Yes.  And I think this is the problem with this board sometimes.  People get in to their heads that there is only one way to manage a household or manage our teens and young adults.  

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

With the teen/young adult here, we use a model of "before you do X, you need to go do Y please".  I don't nag.  I mostly shut my kids doors and don't worry about it and we've never allowed food or much technology in rooms.  But this year I have a college student back and forth and we don't have a huge house, so tech has gone in rooms at time.  I actually wish my college student would go hide in his room more lol.  

Because of covid, this tends to be at certain times of day or Sunday afternoons here just because they're consistent.  When we were running around many days and evenings prior to covid, it was less consistent.  But that said, our house didn't get as messy and used either.  

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
5 minutes ago, Thatboyofmine said:

Do y'all's houses not have doors on the bedrooms?     Shut the door.    Problem solved.   
my house is under 1200sqft.   I would never dream of telling my ADULT son that he must pick up his personal space. I'm not a prison warden making rounds at night.  As long as roaches or bugs are not anywhere, what does it matter?  And if the door stays closed, no animal droppings, either.    I could see rules if adult child is leaving a mess in the common areas, but this is their room.   Their space.    

Well, I’m not thinking about adults at the moment. It’s true that once they are adults, everything changes. I wouldn’t tell my roommates to clean up after themselves, so I wouldn’t do it to adult kids. I’d only expect consideration in common areas.

Edited by Not_a_Number
Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, Thatboyofmine said:

I wasn't referring to you.  And yes, (!) I'm glad you used the word 'roommate'.  That's what they become when they're adults.  They are a roommate.   My roommate doesn't pay me, 😆, but that's my decision.  He still gets respect, his own space, etc.  

Yeah, that makes sense to me. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
7 minutes ago, Thatboyofmine said:

I wasn't referring to you.  And yes, (!) I'm glad you used the word 'roommate'.  That's what they become when they're adults.  They are a roommate.   My roommate doesn't pay me, 😆, but that's my decision.  He still gets respect, his own space, etc.  

Well, that respect goes both ways.

And I would never have a room mate that was so messy.  

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Not_a_Number said:

I've never tried a penalty with older kids, so I don't know if it works, but I know that it works on my little kids. 

I have one child for whom no penalty EVER worked. Completely immune to penalties, rewards, praise, bribing, appeals on their better nature. Only when child was themselves convinced of the decision they would cooperate.
I survived by telling myself that at least they would be immune to peer pressure as a teen and yong adult, and it really turned out that way.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
5 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I have one child for whom no penalty EVER worked. Completely immune to penalties, rewards, praise, bribing, appeals on their better nature. Only when child was themselves convinced of the decision they would cooperate.
I survived by telling myself that at least they would be immune to peer pressure as a teen and yong adult, and it really turned out that way.

same. However, this kid wasn't generally unreasonable, so when she was older, I could say things like, " I know you don't mind your room being so messy, but it's really getting to me. What afternoon can you and I do a little work together so it's not so bad? " She'd have totally respected that, especially if we could pair it with fun music and ice cream sundaes at the end. 

This approached worked because I owned the problem, (I was annoyed by her room, not insulting her because she was ok living that way) I was asking her to work on her room as a favor to me. (She knew I did a lot for her and this was something I needed her to do for me) And I was appreciative of her working on her room. 

I really think that with teens if parents can be reasonable, honest, and have a sense of humor about things, the kids generally respond in kind. 

Now if I approached it in an authoritarian way, she would have bowed up. (That's a southern phrase that means bucking what someone wants you to do for no real good reason, other than just being contrary.) 

And yes, being immune to peer pressure for these kinds of kids is a blessing.

Edited by fairfarmhand
  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, Thatboyofmine said:

So if their room is messy, but they're not causing problems in the common areas, you would have a problem?    With a grown man or woman?  
(This is assuming no roaches or animal droppings)

I guess the first thing is unless I have a real financial need I won't have a roommate.  So I am not likely to ever have to deal with that.  And I find that people with messy rooms tend to have a difficult time not letting that spill over to the rest of the house.  Dss does for sure.  And his car is embarrassing too.  He has to be told to take his stuff to his room a lot. And he doesn't put things away in the kitchen when he uses it.

So to answer your question, if I thought a grown man or woman was so messy they needed to be 'told' to clean up....then I just would decline to have that person for a roommate.

It gets a little tricky trying to compare a young adult child to an adult roommate.  Of course I do more FOR my adult child than I would a non child adult. There is a limit to my patience though.

Link to post
Share on other sites
17 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I have one child for whom no penalty EVER worked. Completely immune to penalties, rewards, praise, bribing, appeals on their better nature. Only when child was themselves convinced of the decision they would cooperate.
I survived by telling myself that at least they would be immune to peer pressure as a teen and yong adult, and it really turned out that way.

Yeah, I believe it. My two kids are very different. It's not hard for me to believe that for some kids, no penalties work. 

For my kids, small immediate penalties work. Rewards, praise, bribing and appeals to better nature do not, though. And they only work because it's habit-building. Not because they listened well or something. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

I told my kids that unlucky for them they didn't get a mom that doesn't care  what rooms look like because I do.  I don't expect rooms to be perfect but decent enough. They have come to appreciate it and complain when they visit friends with nasty rooms. I help them as needed. I remind them as much as needed. If they feel overwhelmed I help them declutter and organize. Just like with us if they have less things it is easier to keep track of. We have deadlines too, if you want to do x they room needs to be clean, clothes picked up. It is also much easier for them to keep things clean daily when it is just a little bit then to wait for it to get bad and try to catch up. For my older ones I'd not allow the cat in the room if they can't keep the clothes picked up. 

Edited by Soror
  • Like 3
  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
12 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

Say there is a small house....you can see into the bedrooms when you walk into the front door. Bedrooms are extremely messy but no food, bugs, or pet pee. Children are teens. It really bothers one of the parents (or both) that you can walk in the front door and see the sloppy rooms.

One word solution:

Doors.

Edited by regentrude
  • Like 7
  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
11 minutes ago, regentrude said:

One word solution:

Doors.

Yes.  I used to shut the doors.  Both children are tidier as adults than they were as teenagers.  It's fine.  This is in the non-cat-pee situation. 

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
7 minutes ago, Thatboyofmine said:

why would a messy room, with the door closed, bother any person at all?   
does it stink when you walk by?  If yes, then yeah, the room needs to be cleaned up.  

I dunno, but it just does. I never see any point in wondering WHY things bother people. They just do. Different people are different, you know? 

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
12 minutes ago, Thatboyofmine said:

Seriously.  Why aren't people just closing the doors???    

why would a messy room, with the door closed, bother any person at all?   
does it stink when you walk by?  If yes, then yeah, the room needs to be cleaned up.  
 

But that's not what I've seen on any post in this thread.  Even the OP said the cat pee thing is 4 times out of an entire year (and never on the carpet).   

 

mmmm...did you see the part where I mentioned that my kids lose important things when their rooms get out of control? Did you see the part where they have to keep doors open or deal with too hot/too cold due to the HVAC? Did you see where they can't get out the door on time because theyre looking for coats and shoes?

We don't have conflicts here over room cleaning as a general rule. We work together to keep it at acceptable levels for them and for me. I haven't had room cleaning attitude from any of my 3 teens in probably years. It gets out of hand, I smilingly ask them to work on it, they make it happen. 

Just like when my dd15 is hoping to go to Hobby Lobby, and she smilingly asks me to make it happen. And I do.

It doesn't have to be this big mean controlling angry power struggle. 

Shrug. Our way isn't the only way. It works for the home we have and the kids I have. 

Closing the door is one way.

So is working as a team to make everyone have a comfortable level of tidiness. Their rooms are not as clean as I would prefer and they're not as messy as the kids might prefer. But we have reached a middle ground that we're all happy with.

 

  • Like 3
  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...