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There is no way I'd go spend several days to a week at his parents'. It's just plain awkward, and that is not a healthy place for you anyway, from what you have described in earlier posts. Enjoy the break from the stress, tension, and responsibilities, and prepare for the move as much as you can. I am so glad you are making boundaries and standing up for yourself. You are sounding more healthy almost from one post to the next. (Don't look now, but I think your confidence is growing! 🙂 ) From afar, you sound like you are growing back into yourself again, with the added maturity that experience brings. Just an impression, since I don't know you personally. It could be that some of your difficulty in keeping up with housework, organization, etc., was related to depression or hopelessness related to your situation. (Musing here.)

It sounds like your dh wants his cake and to eat it too. If you go, then he can push off the responsibility of the kids onto you, and just do whatever he wants without anything interfering with it. If you don't, he is the one responsible for making things work, or maybe his parents will. I agree that his thinking does seem to be spectrum thinking, though I don't know tons about it. It will be interesting to see how he handles the responsibilities in the future, and how his thinking might change after you move.

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1 hour ago, hjffkj said:

That makes sense from what you've said about him in the past. He seems to have a hard time changing his way of thinking, even when it really makes no sense anymore.

Doing things as a family together makes sense if the parents are able to have a healthy relationship. But travelling to the other person's parents' house doesn't. That isn't the type of family time that makes sense in my opinion.

Yes. To be fair, I usually made the most of it. I’d visit with my mom and dad some, I’d do some shopping (they live closer to Target, Kohl’s), I’d take the kids out sometimes. I don’t know if it was spring break but one visit I took ds to the Hard Rock casino’s ice cream shop. But the obligation to go to his parents has hung in the air all these years. When I lived on the coast and we shared a car he had a standing Friday visit with his mom. If I wasn’t at work (I worked part time at a retail big box store) I had to go or stay home without a car. I’d ask him to compromise with a short visit but he’d go all day and stay for dinner. 

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Posted (edited)

Some visits I slept at my parents’ house. Some visits I slept at his. Either way it was an awkward family trip. My parents used to have enough space for us but then our family grew and my aunt moved into my parents’ house. Plus, dh likes a cooler house and couldn’t stand the a/c temp at my parents’. So before my aunt moved in he already refused to sleep there anymore. My in laws often kept their house like an igloo but I’d pack extra warm pjs and add blankets to the bed. Lol 

when dd was very young and breastfeeding I would sleep at my parents’ with her. My in laws smoke in their house (deny it but they smoke in one room and it travels). Ds has asthma. And after every visit I’d have to rewash the smoky luggage. Also I refuse to leave the cat for the week. I may have before but I don’t agree with it now. 

Edited by heartlikealion
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Side note - since spectrum came up. I inquired about ds possibly being on the spectrum but was shot down by ds and dh about pursuing testing. It took me years to get ds tested for APD and he has it. That verdict resulted in ds remaining disgruntled at me and now he does Hear Builder daily. I’ve fought with the schools for an IEP for dd since she turned 3 and she just got it this Friday!!!! She starts speech services next week (virtually from the school computer lab). 

It’s an uphill battle with my family but I’m still walking. Now if ds isn’t on the spectrum why won’t dh let him walk home from the bus stop alone. He’s 12. 

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5 hours ago, PeterPan said:

Fwiw, he sounds like he's on the spectrum. It's no wonder he bugs the tar out of you. It almost sounds like he's in denial about what you're doing, didn't want it, and doesn't have the social skills to sort it out. 

 

Sounds to me like the parents and his attachment to them is maybe at a level that’s not quite healthy. Like he is still either enjoying being infantalized (strong word for lack of better one - maybe doted upon?) by them, or stuck in seeking their approval. 
 

I’ve not followed all the details in this story but I agree that you certainly don’t have to do as he asks just because “it’s always been like so.” Hopefully that will set you up for taking just the kids along on a fun, different vacation you plan for you and them (while xh...maybe goes and visits his parents again?). 

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After the initial conversation I found out he has a dental appointment there (he has dental anxiety and finally found someone he likes. So impractical to go that far IMO) and he really wants to take kids to the beach. I guess to walk and play in the sand. Virtually no local person goes in the Biloxi water. Between it looking dirty, the BP spill, occasionally flesh-eating bacteria and depending on if there’s been a recent hurricane, people pretty much avoid it. The cousins have spring break in April. And I’m not sure with Covid if they will get together after school hours. 
 

They can go. I just want him to put something in writing. That will probably not happen. Oh well. 

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I wouldn’t try to get anything in writing now, but it would be perfectly reasonable, when working out the parenting schedule with your lawyers, to specify that the kids alternate parents for Spring break and since they were with their father in 2021 they are with you in 2022. 

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3 minutes ago, Danae said:

I wouldn’t try to get anything in writing now, but it would be perfectly reasonable, when working out the parenting schedule with your lawyers, to specify that the kids alternate parents for Spring break and since they were with their father in 2021 they are with you in 2022. 

I was trying to get it in writing to make it easier for next year. That way I’d get even years. He’s very stubborn and may not let this year “count.” 

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Just now, Danae said:

I wouldn’t try to get anything in writing now, but it would be perfectly reasonable, when working out the parenting schedule with your lawyers, to specify that the kids alternate parents for Spring break and since they were with their father in 2021 they are with you in 2022. 

This.

We had a 50/50 plan (I don’t know what you are going for), and our parenting plan was extraordinarily detailed wrt alternating holidays - major and minor - and things like Mother’s/Father’s Day, alternating kid birthdays (if there are siblings, would you include both kids on each bday, so they stay together to celebrate?  Would make sense.).  We had specific times and on and on.  Every detail imaginable because we were in a high conflict situation, and things had to be spelled out.

 

 

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2 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I was trying to get it in writing to make it easier for next year. That way I’d get even years. He’s very stubborn and may not let this year “count.” 

Well, “count” or not, I’d just start with thinking about who has the kids for winter break that academic year, and make sure the other parent has spring break that year.  I think that’s pretty standard.  So you’d have the kids Thanksgiving and spring break one year, he’d have them winter break that year, and alternate.

We included things like President’s Day, Memorial Day, etc, too.  Any school holidays.  Might as well iron out the inevitable trouble they will cause now, rather than later.

We ran into issues with needing to change pick up drop off times on 4th of July, due to fireworks, and wrote that in, too.  It was necessary for us, maybe not for you, but we had to have it all spelled out very clearly.

 

 

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9 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I was trying to get it in writing to make it easier for next year. That way I’d get even years. He’s very stubborn and may not let this year “count.” 

He might find out he has less control over that than he thinks.  Once you get the courts involved, which he has done, they are less amenable to manipulation than a wife who is trying to make the marriage work. You don’t have to go along with what he wants, no matter how stubborn he is.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Just now, heartlikealion said:

The hearing was today. It didn’t go like I expected but I still have faith there’s light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t know what I can say here. It’s very complicated. 

Pm me dear

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I'm sorry, Heart. I'm praying that God will sustain you and give you strength and wisdom. And that the light at the end of the tunnel will be a relief to you and a step forward into hope and better health after all you have been through. 

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