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I quit the library


heartlikealion
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Wasn't really sure what reaction matched so I went with a "Heart", because 1) your name and 2) I'm glad you're figuring out what you need to do to make ends meet. All the hugs as you're figuring this out, I think of you often and am keeping you in my prayers. {{{{}}}}}

On a happier tone, super excited that the magazine job seems to be working out well! The library was a great experience, and now hopefully your time will be easier with less jobs to juggle!

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When you say, “someone in town brought it up,” how did that come off? Did he ask you in a demanding manner, saying so-and-so told him? 

Does this mean you will make more money? 

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Good to see you Heart!  I think of you often and hope you are doing well.  

I am glad you are doing what is best for you and that the magazine job was able to turn into full time.  I hope it is easier now that you have one job.  That is all online right? 

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Thinking of you often.  I would imagine it is less likely someone here is telling your business and more likely that you are in a small town where everyone knows everything.  Not sure that it matters at this point.  In fact, it just makes you more 'stable' to a court.  

 

(((Hugs))))

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Oh I never meant to insinuate someone here said something. I told a few patrons I was leaving for another job but I never directly told anyone dh works with. My patrons can’t even get on his campus with Covid. So it’s just strange he claims someone from work came up to him at work and said I hear your wife is quitting the library and going FT with magazine. He could have bluffed, I do not know. The library job listing was online but I didn’t say anything on Facebook about the magazine. Another librarian knew but didn’t talk to him. Small towns, who knows. 

The library was 28 hours a week. Now I’m full time with the magazine and it’s more money than the previous PT gigs combined. The library didn’t want to lose me but even if they opened one more weekday I knew mathematically I couldn’t increase my wages anywhere near where I needed to work there alone (basically needed to double my salary). The magazine gives some wiggle room on where I live since I won’t go in the office daily. I will start going in a sometimes but our roads are icy now and we can’t go anywhere. The kids are home for bad weather til Wednesday. 

On the plus side, I don’t have to rub disinfectant wipes on surfaces all day or use hand sanitizer all day now. 

The home I’m supposed to move in is under construction and the landlord hasn’t been real solid on move-in-ready date. I told him I may have to look for another place because I need something before the hearing lined up. Dh said you are not coming back here after the hearing. Legally, I don’t think it’s his say. But practically, he’s right. We wouldn’t want that. 

I got on my own cell plan. New phone with the promotion. 

bought a laptop for my work. 

I’m trying to deal with something I don’t want to post on the public forum. 

Thanks for your positive thoughts. 

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4 hours ago, Quill said:

When you say, “someone in town brought it up,” how did that come off? Did he ask you in a demanding manner, saying so-and-so told him? 

Does this mean you will make more money? 

He started with a weird question like do you think two close people should share something big with each other like if one is moving far? Especially with kids involved. Then he said someone told him. He wondered when I’d tell him and was upset I didn’t tell him first. I said Who says I’m moving far? And why should I tell you anything first? Did you tell me when you took the kids to see a lawyer? 

he’s impossible. Rules don’t apply to him. Lots of double standards. Our relationship is toxic. There’s no repair for the levels of gaslighting and hypocrisy involved. I know leaving is the sane thing. 

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2 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

He started with a weird question like do you think two close people should share something big with each other like if one is moving far? Especially with kids involved. Then he said someone told him. He wondered when I’d tell him and was upset I didn’t tell him first. I said Who says I’m moving far? And why should I tell you anything first? Did you tell me when you took the kids to see a lawyer? 

he’s impossible. Rules don’t apply to him. Lots of double standards. Our relationship is toxic. There’s no repair for the levels of gaslighting and hypocrisy involved. I know leaving is the sane thing. 

That's weird. Y'all are divorcing. You're not close. 

Basically, you've moved on mentally already, despite the fact that you're still sharing the same space. Don't let him tell you that he would share that kind of thing. He may or he may not, but you don't owe details of your employment situation to him if it doesn't affect the kids. 

But don't let it blow up into a fight either. He can be upset about it. That doesn't mean that you have to get upset about it too though,

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You have come a long, way, baby!!!

Change is hard, so I'm sure that leaving the library job was not easy, but what great news about being full time at the magazine!!

The road ahead is going to be bumpy, but you are making progress now -- a steady, full-time job that lets you work from home sometimes and stay local....this is the kind of employment to celebrate, for sure!!! It ticks all of the boxes that you have been hoping for, and I am thrilled for you.

Hugs as you deal with the rest of it. I have hope that good things and good years are ahead of you.

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29 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Oh I never meant to insinuate someone here said something. I told a few patrons I was leaving for another job but I never directly told anyone dh works with. My patrons can’t even get on his campus with Covid. So it’s just strange he claims someone from work came up to him at work and said I hear your wife is quitting the library and going FT with magazine. He could have bluffed, I do not know. The library job listing was online but I didn’t say anything on Facebook about the magazine. Another librarian knew but didn’t talk to him. Small towns, who knows. 

The library was 28 hours a week. Now I’m full time with the magazine and it’s more money than the previous PT gigs combined. The library didn’t want to lose me but even if they opened one more weekday I knew mathematically I couldn’t increase my wages anywhere near where I needed to work there alone (basically needed to double my salary). The magazine gives some wiggle room on where I live since I won’t go in the office daily. I will start going in a sometimes but our roads are icy now and we can’t go anywhere. The kids are home for bad weather til Wednesday. 

On the plus side, I don’t have to rub disinfectant wipes on surfaces all day or use hand sanitizer all day now. 

The home I’m supposed to move in is under construction and the landlord hasn’t been real solid on move-in-ready date. I told him I may have to look for another place because I need something before the hearing lined up. Dh said you are not coming back here after the hearing. Legally, I don’t think it’s his say. But practically, he’s right. We wouldn’t want that. 

I got on my own cell plan. New phone with the promotion. 

bought a laptop for my work. 

I’m trying to deal with something I don’t want to post on the public forum. 

Thanks for your positive thoughts. 

You are incredibly impressive.

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28 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

He started with a weird question like do you think two close people should share something big with each other like if one is moving far? Especially with kids involved. Then he said someone told him. He wondered when I’d tell him and was upset I didn’t tell him first. I said Who says I’m moving far? And why should I tell you anything first? Did you tell me when you took the kids to see a lawyer? 

he’s impossible. Rules don’t apply to him. Lots of double standards. Our relationship is toxic. There’s no repair for the levels of gaslighting and hypocrisy involved. I know leaving is the sane thing. 

Sounds to me like he is upset that you got a full time more stable job instead of 2 part time.  Because now he can't use that against you in front of a judge.  Hold the course.  Hold your temper.  

Sounds like you have definitely determined he is not your friend.  

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so good to hear from you, Lion!  Your new job sounds like good potential.  Sending good vibes, hugs and prayers that everything will turn out as it should for you.  Leave fish in an unplugged appliance when you leave...(my mom did that, I still laugh when I think of it) 

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thanks for checking in. Praying for you. I know you have had such a stressful past few years. I hope that your future is able to relieve some of that stress and help you feel healthy and normal again. You have made a lot of progress in spite of the circumstances.

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I got a new phone and new laptop recently. Both have given me problems but at least the phone seems to mainly be a storage transfer thing. I have been to my new phone provider 3x and Apple recently. I have bought extra cloud and google photo storage. I finally got all my contacts moved over and photos finally moved to cloud but ironically didn’t all stay on google photos — says still loading after the store reset it. I didn’t know resetting the phone would affect my app. 
 

I have dealt with Lenovo and Office Depot about the laptop. I’m working from home and my keyboard just stopped responding. Everything is wacko and I don’t know if any normalcy is around the corner.  At least the OD people agreed to honor my return if it’s outside their normal window because of the issues. 

The home will have more time to get done but I don’t know when I’ll be moving now. I will not go without a court ordered parent plan in place. 

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1 hour ago, heartlikealion said:

The home will have more time to get done but I don’t know when I’ll be moving now. I will not go without a court ordered parent plan in place. 

That is very wise.

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7 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

Gosh maybe we should have spent this money on a different therapist. Ugh what a waste. It will likely be delayed months and that messes up any move in date. 

Is there any possibility you can get your dh to sign off on a parenting plan so that you are able to move?

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Just now, Scarlett said:

Is there any possibility you can get your dh to sign off on a parenting plan so that you are able to move?

I was offered a settlement recently in place of hearing with temp plan (basically week on/week off) and no money so I refused. I can’t really afford to move without some alimony and/or child support. It’s kinda complicated. And the longer I thought about it the less I liked kids hopping back and forth that often. 

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3 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

I was offered a settlement recently in place of hearing with temp plan (basically week on/week off) and no money so I refused. I can’t really afford to move without some alimony and/or child support. It’s kinda complicated. And the longer I thought about it the less I liked kids hopping back and forth that often. 

I certainly would not agree to no money.  

But what do you not like about week on/week off?  That is actually less often than many parenting plans when custody is 50/50.

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Because short term that might be doable but it’s hard on the kids and I’m not commiting to living here indefinitely and there’s no signs he would move anytime soon. He has reasons to stay here. If I ever move to the city, closer to my office (I’ll need to go to the office sometimes) I’ll be further. 

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I doubt a judge will force a 50/50 parenting plan with a week on and a week off in Heart's state.  Unless something drastically changed since the first time I looked it up, chances are a judge will give her custody and him visitation.  I'm not saying it's fair, I'm saying that's what happens in her state.

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Heart, it’s nice to keep hearing from you.  I feel like your posts are already coming from a place where you feel more like you have some control over your life and situations.  I hope that’s how you’re feeling.

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41 minutes ago, Katy said:

I doubt a judge will force a 50/50 parenting plan with a week on and a week off in Heart's state.  Unless something drastically changed since the first time I looked it up, chances are a judge will give her custody and him visitation.  I'm not saying it's fair, I'm saying that's what happens in her state.

I was wondering about that. Because more and more I am seeing that fathers who ask for it get half time.  So this will be interesting to see how it plays out.  Especially with the age of her son.

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3 minutes ago, Ausmumof3 said:

Heart, it’s nice to keep hearing from you.  I feel like your posts are already coming from a place where you feel more like you have some control over your life and situations.  I hope that’s how you’re feeling.

I agree

 

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Mainly due to the time-sensitive nature of my situation (don’t want to lose my house!) I ended up hiring another lawyer and requesting a new hearing date. It will be this month after all. I don’t want to go into all the details. Let’s just say I already feel more prepared. My home should be ready in a week and then I’ll ship some furniture. 
 

Dh and I are fighting over spring break with the kids 🙄 I’m trying to get him to make an agreement in writing about how we will handle it. I said sure take them to your parents but agree that I get them next year for spring break. He’s trying to get me to go with him (just like Thanksgiving!). For the record I stayed here for Thanksgiving and prepared a meal (turkey was prebaked from Kroger but I made homemade rolls and some sides) my for sister, dad, and aunt. My mother passed earlier that month. Dh *had* to go to his parents but came here for Black Friday and we ate leftovers together. I’m not *really* fighting about it. I’m setting boundaries. 
 

Ain’t nobody got time for this. I will not be bullied into carpooling 3.5 hours to see his parents. I don’t have a spring break and I have things to do locally. 

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Good job setting boundaries. How odd that he wants you to come with for Spring Break. Isn't he the one who asked for the divorce and what no. What does he have to gain from you going? Odd.

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Just now, MissLemon said:

It's so weird he wants you to go with him to see his parents over spring break. I wonder what he hopes to gain if you go?

My dad lives near his parents so he thinks we can just visit everyone. And I think the main motivation is if I go it doesn’t look like he ran off with the kids. I don’t know. He says he still wants the kids to have time as a family. And I do believe once the dust settles that may be possible occasionally but I am not sure when I’ll be ready. I have explained my stance multiple times on similar situations and he either doesn’t get it or refuses. If he has vacation time he always goes to see his parents. We stay here for Easter because his spring break doesn’t overlap. Not because he actually values us having time as a nuclear family. 

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7 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

Good job setting boundaries. How odd that he wants you to come with for Spring Break. Isn't he the one who asked for the divorce and what no. What does he have to gain from you going? Odd.

He believes if we’ve done something for years, no matter if I complained ever, it’s what is the norm for our family and he will continue to do it. So, he said “we always go to my mon’s for thanksgiving. Of course I’m going.” And “I always take the kids there for spring break. My lawyer approved it and the kids want to go.” 

The kids would be fine either way. We actually have many places we could go without driving so far. They will see their cousins but I don’t think the cousins even share the same break! 

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6 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

He believes if we’ve done something for years

Fwiw, he sounds like he's on the spectrum. It's no wonder he bugs the tar out of you. It almost sounds like he's in denial about what you're doing, didn't want it, and doesn't have the social skills to sort it out. 

 

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7 hours ago, heartlikealion said:

He believes if we’ve done something for years, no matter if I complained ever, it’s what is the norm for our family and he will continue to do it. So, he said “we always go to my mon’s for thanksgiving. Of course I’m going.” And “I always take the kids there for spring break. My lawyer approved it and the kids want to go.” 

The kids would be fine either way. We actually have many places we could go without driving so far. They will see their cousins but I don’t think the cousins even share the same break! 

That makes sense from what you've said about him in the past. He seems to have a hard time changing his way of thinking, even when it really makes no sense anymore.

Doing things as a family together makes sense if the parents are able to have a healthy relationship. But travelling to the other person's parents' house doesn't. That isn't the type of family time that makes sense in my opinion.

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