I hate the teen years

[gardenmom5]

If it "just the teen years" (vs. ASD/PDA)  That is all.

GRRRRRRR.

[MercyA]

[Guest]

I’m sorry for whatever the rough spots are. Can you reframe the issue in a different light? Like if my son is asking me 900 times when I can drop off his computer to repair the USB port, I say to myself, “I’m glad he’s so tenacious in solving a problem.” 

[Ditto]

Hugs.

[gardenmom5]

4 hours ago, Quill said:

I’m sorry for whatever the rough spots are. Can you reframe the issue in a different light? Like if my son is asking me 900 times when I can drop off his computer to repair the USB port, I say to myself, “I’m glad he’s so tenacious in solving a problem.” 

 

this is my fifth teen. he meets the criteria (not recognized in the US.) for PDA.  pathological demand avoidance. (subtype of ASD.)  

so, how would you "reframe" a teenager refusing to answer the phone? (he admitted he heard it.)  and being gleeful about it when you later ask him why he didn't?  I rushed home and skipped errands ahead of a forecasted snowstorm (which can be paralyzing here due to hills, and ice), to make sure he was up for his one online class (he was - because of my phone calls,) - because he wouldn't answer the phone.

 

[SKL]

Don't get me started.  Just the sass alone, ugh!  Yesterday:  "you're just mad because you know I'm right."

In the specific situation mentioned above, I'd inform teen what the consequences would be if s/he missed a class, and they would be pretty severe.  No excuses.

If your teen hates talking on the phone, can you text instead?  (I hate answering phones too!  I can relate!)

[prairiewindmomma]

Answering a phone? Would totally chalk that up to PDA... Reframing that: I see the PDA in his behavior and my emotional response should be to acknowledge that his behavior reflects that he has PDA. 

I am not saying you have an easy road, because you don’t....and I am not saying you shouldn’t be annoyed...but it’s not helpful to be upset by things you should expect.

I would have let it go. Either he got into class or he didn’t...but that’s reflective of him, not you. (Or at least that’s what I told myself when I was in the same boat on Wednesday with an online class checkin. We are here to support, not control.)

 

 

[fairfarmhand]

1 hour ago, gardenmom5 said:

 

this is my fifth teen. he meets the criteria (not recognized in the US.) for PDA.  pathological demand avoidance. (subtype of ASD.)  

so, how would you "reframe" a teenager refusing to answer the phone? (he admitted he heard it.)  and being gleeful about it when you later ask him why he didn't?  I rushed home and skipped errands ahead of a forecasted snowstorm (which can be paralyzing here due to hills, and ice), to make sure he was up for his one online class (he was - because of my phone calls,) - because he wouldn't answer the phone.

 

Yeah, the gleeful part would definitely put me over the edge. And i LIKE teens.

[HS Mom in NC]

I didn't like teenagers when I was a teenager. I'm in my late 40s now and feeling done with teenagery behavior and attitudes. Feel free to complain. I'll sympathize. 

[Garga]

I’m ok with teens. What I really hate are mental health issues and learning issues. Oh, it’s so hard on all of us, trying to support a teen through mental health and learning issues. 

We did find some good meds for the mental health issues, but the learning issues are still a big struggle for my 18 yo freshman in college.

I did find somewhere that people with my son’s issues often lag behind their peers by 30% for executive function issues. So, while he’s 18, he only has the executive function of a 12-year-old. Most 12-year-olds are not good at juggling assignments and reading syllabi, etc, so he still relies on my to help him stay on track.  At the beginning of the semester, I help him create a big calendar of when big assignments are due, and every Sunday afternoon, I help him create a chart of what he should work on every day for the week.

But when I leave him alone to do his work (because he’s 18 and in college and haaaates it if I hover), he will spin his wheels and waste his time.  He’s taking only 2 classes a semester and spends 7 hours a day in his room “working” on them, and yet falls a little bit behind every day in what he’s supposed to be doing.  

Oh, I just hate this stuff so much.

Edited February 12, 2021 by Garga

[Scarlett]

17 minutes ago, Thatboyofmine said:

I'm done with the young adult years.   Damn, it's hard to navigate.  

QFT

 

[mommyoffive]

1 hour ago, Seasider too said:

Now see, for me it’s the angsty awkward preteen years I had trouble with. By the time they hit about 14, I found it easier to empathize and support. They were becoming young adults but their wings were still clipped, which was frustrating all around but easier for me to understand. 
 

Sorry that you had a bad morning gardenmom. 

So far this has been my experience.   Of course that could change.  I only have one teen right now and we are not that far down the road.  But my tweenagers cause me more trouble than my teenager.  

[Melissa Louise]

1 hour ago, Thatboyofmine said:

I'm done with the young adult years.   Damn, it's hard to navigate.  

QFT

[gardenmom5]

4 hours ago, SKL said:

Don't get me started.  Just the sass alone, ugh!  Yesterday:  "you're just mad because you know I'm right."

In the specific situation mentioned above, I'd inform teen what the consequences would be if s/he missed a class, and they would be pretty severe.  No excuses.

If your teen hates talking on the phone, can you text instead?  (I hate answering phones too!  I can relate!)

I wanted to make sure he was up and awake.  Texting would only work if he was awake, and had his phone with him.  even then- he wouldn't have responded.  so, I still wouldn't have known if he got it or not.

2 hours ago, Garga said:

I’m ok with teens. What I really hate are mental health issues and learning issues. Oh, it’s so hard on all of us, trying to support a teen through mental health and learning issues. 

We did find some good meds for the mental health issues, but the learning issues are still a big struggle for my 18 yo freshman in college.

I did find somewhere that people with my son’s issues often lag behind their peers by 30% for executive function issues. So, while he’s 18, he only has the executive function of a 12-year-old. Most 12-year-olds are not good at juggling assignments and reading syllabi, etc, so he still relies on my to help him stay on track.  At the beginning of the semester, I help him create a big calendar of when big assignments are due, and every Sunday afternoon, I help him create a chart of what he should work on every day for the week.

But when I leave him alone to do his work (because he’s 18 and in college and haaaates it if I hover), he will spin his wheels and waste his time.  He’s taking only 2 classes a semester and spends 7 hours a day in his room “working” on them, and yet falls a little bit behind every day in what he’s supposed to be doing.  

Oh, I just hate this stuff so much.

yep.  definitely emotional/maturity lag.  the exec function is also part of ASD.  Poly-vagal theory holds some of the stereotypical ASD stuff ** is low-vagal tone, and if you can get that up, some things will be resolved because physiology is working better.  So - i'm trying.  

I honestly think he's been in fight flight so long (since birth - I won't go into why), that to not be in it freaks him out.  (we did something a couple years ago where he would come out more relaxed, but then he'd start fighting me about going. - that's where that theory comes from.)  but as long as he's in fight/flight things will not work.  (that is nature, focuses everything on fight/flight, and doesn't have leftovers for 'non-essentials').

we tried anti-depressants, and he became suicidal (made specific threats).  I refuse to try another one.  Vagus stimulation is also supposed to help with anxiety (and low vagal tone), so some days he will, and other days he fights me.  thunk.

He also has CAPD - corpus collosum not facilitating communication between the left and right hemispheres of the brain they way it's supposed to. (his GUI and his HD don't like to talk to each other. One provider thinks it will resolve with age.  In the meantime, it has made school excruciatingly difficult for him.)

**I'm in agreement with the researchers who think ASD is a catchall diagnosis for a group of similar disorders.  It would explain some of the differences. e.g. something working for one person - and doing nothing (or worse) for someone else.

[Ausmumof3]

4 hours ago, Seasider too said:

Now see, for me it’s the angsty awkward preteen years I had trouble with. By the time they hit about 14, I found it easier to empathize and support. They were becoming young adults but their wings were still clipped, which was frustrating all around but easier for me to understand. 
 

Sorry that you had a bad morning gardenmom. 

Same for my oldest so far.  It’s the 11-12 age that’s been impossible.  Although I have been warned that boys sometimes hit a second impossible phase as older teens so I’m not congratulating myself too much.  My current 14 year old is quite sweet.

[Soror]

10 minutes ago, Ausmumof3 said:

Same for my oldest so far.  It’s the 11-12 age that’s been impossible.  Although I have been warned that boys sometimes hit a second impossible phase as older teens so I’m not congratulating myself too much.  My current 14 year old is quite sweet.

Um yeah, there now. It could be worse but it has sure not been fun and so much worse than tween years and early teen years. I thought we were going to get lucky, nope, just delayed. 

My son is ADHD too, hasn't wanted my help since going in school and has mostly managed until the year went to sh*t.

And my teen daughter has had a rough year too, again way worse than tweens. Tweens was the warm up. 

Bigger kids, bigger problems, makes me so /sarcasm *excited* /sarcasm for the young adult years.

 

Edited February 12, 2021 by Soror

[Ausmumof3]

Saw this and thought you all might relate.

[Guest]

5 hours ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Answering a phone? Would totally chalk that up to PDA... Reframing that: I see the PDA in his behavior and my emotional response should be to acknowledge that his behavior reflects that he has PDA. 

I am not saying you have an easy road, because you don’t....and I am not saying you shouldn’t be annoyed...but it’s not helpful to be upset by things you should expect.

I would have let it go. Either he got into class or he didn’t...but that’s reflective of him, not you. (Or at least that’s what I told myself when I was in the same boat on Wednesday with an online class checkin. We are here to support, not control.)

 

 

I did not know there was such a thing as pathological demand avoidance but now that I know that, I definitely would put answering the phone in that category. 

I also think this is what my dh has...😏

[Soror]

13 hours ago, Ausmumof3 said:

Saw this and thought you all might relate.

Ya. It would probably be shit. Too many books written by people with no experience or people who think there is some magic answer. 

I remember having kids being such a humbling experience, now this year has been the same thing, the teenage edition. 

We all have different challenges and some kids/teens are easier than others. Doing the best we can, one day at a time.

[Ottakee]

I hear you.  I have my 3 plus son in law....all with intellectual disabilities, 3 of the 4 with mental illness/mental health concerns, 3 of the 4 with medical issues.

They range but 24-33 and can do so much, but still need SO much support.  I am tired.  2 live with me, and 2 just 2 miles down the road.

[HS Mom in NC]

I have a young adult with mental health issues that require so much support in various ways.  It's a lot. It's not going away.

[Tanaqui]

On 2/12/2021 at 11:03 AM, gardenmom5 said:

 

this is my fifth teen. he meets the criteria (not recognized in the US.) for PDA.  pathological demand avoidance. (subtype of ASD.)  

so, how would you "reframe" a teenager refusing to answer the phone? (he admitted he heard it.)  and being gleeful about it when you later ask him why he didn't?  I rushed home and skipped errands ahead of a forecasted snowstorm (which can be paralyzing here due to hills, and ice), to make sure he was up for his one online class (he was - because of my phone calls,) - because he wouldn't answer the phone.

 

For one thing, I'd stop imputing emotions onto other people. He didn't answer the phone, check. That's a fact. "He was gleeful" is your interpretation of his behavior. It's not a fact. There's no need to think that, and it's not helpful.

I say this as an autistic person who *constantly* as a teen (and even into adulthood) had people accusing me of some inappropriate emotion they thought they had, which always said a lot more about their mental state than anything I actually felt.

[Melissa Louise]

5 hours ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

I have a young adult with mental health issues that require so much support in various ways.  It's a lot. It's not going away.

Same. 

I have consistently down played the impact on me, my career, my mental health, and my enjoyment of parenting. I can narrate the worst things without much emotion. 

It really took therapy - having another person make observations to me about the extent and nature of the ongoing impact - for me to even begin to understand that the effect has been huge, and a contributor to my own suicidality. 

Teens or young adults with chronic mental health issues which impact on their function in important, non-trivial ways....it's an extremely challenging parenting situation.*

There is no way to really communicate the potential costs of parenting to self when in the hormonally-mediated love bubble of conception, gestation, infancy, early childhood. And no point, I guess, past conception. We may as well assume all will be well in future parenting stages. Often it is.

*I didn't mention cost to the person with the illness/lack of function, BC this is a thread about parents feelings, not because I devalue the person's suffering. 

[HS Mom in NC]

1 hour ago, Tanaqui said:

I say this as an autistic person who *constantly* as a teen (and even into adulthood) had people accusing me of some inappropriate emotion they thought they had, which always said a lot more about their mental state than anything I actually felt.

As a woman with an INTJ personality type that's much less common in general and even more rare among women, I've experienced something similar but milder and less frequent:  very emotively wired people attributing to me emotions (byproducts of thoughts), thought processes, and motivations that are wildly inaccurate. Usually when I articulate my thoughts on something it's deeper, wider, complex, and  nuanced, taking into consideration angles the accuser hadn't even considered. That's why it's not at all unusual for people to ask me for an "out of the box" perspective on things or a more complete analysis to make them aware of issues they hadn't considered.

[HS Mom in NC]

1 hour ago, Melissa Louise said:

Same. 

I have consistently down played the impact on me, my career, my mental health, and my enjoyment of parenting. I can narrate the worst things without much emotion. 

It really took therapy - having another person make observations to me about the extent and nature of the ongoing impact - for me to even begin to understand that the effect has been huge, and a contributor to my own suicidality. 

Teens or young adults with chronic mental health issues which impact on their function in important, non-trivial ways....it's an extremely challenging parenting situation.*

There is no way to really communicate the potential costs of parenting to self when in the hormonally-mediated love bubble of conception, gestation, infancy, early childhood. And no point, I guess, past conception. We may as well assume all will be well in future parenting stages. Often it is.

*I didn't mention cost to the person with the illness/lack of function, BC this is a thread about parents feelings, not because I devalue the person's suffering. 

I'm so sorry it's affecting you this way.  I'm glad you've found therapy to be helpful and supportive.

[Melissa Louise]

1 hour ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

I'm so sorry it's affecting you this way.  I'm glad you've found therapy to be helpful and supportive.

Thanks. 

Many parents are, of course, given temperament and history vary, less affected, but it an ongoing change to life for most of us, and something we don't always anticipate when our kids are small. 

[*****]

On 2/12/2021 at 8:03 AM, gardenmom5 said:

he meets the criteria (not recognized in the US.) for PDA.  pathological demand avoidance. (subtype of ASD.)  

I have a degree in special education and I continually learn so much on this forum of all the subtypes, etc. of conditions.  I had never heard of PANDAS until I was on this forum...Given I got my degree many, years ago, and stayed home to homeschool my children, but when kids are assessed in school, there is never any mention of subtypes, as you mentioned PDA.  At least that I am aware of.  What sites/resources can you refer me to so I can learn more about subtypes, like you mentioned PDA... 

[SKL]

2 hours ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

As a woman with an INTJ personality type that's much less common in general and even more rare among women, I've experienced something similar but milder and less frequent:  very emotively wired people attributing to me emotions (byproducts of thoughts), thought processes, and motivations that are wildly inaccurate. Usually when I articulate my thoughts on something it's deeper, wider, complex, and  nuanced, taking into consideration angles the accuser hadn't even considered. That's why it's not at all unusual for people to ask me for an "out of the box" perspective on things or a more complete analysis to make them aware of issues they hadn't considered.

INTJ here too.  I get so annoyed hearing others "paraphrase" my opinions / feelings.  Just don't.  🙂

[SKL]

I am sorry to say it is somewhat of a relief to hear some of the comments about parenting a child with mental health issues.

I think I try as hard as most parents to raise decent children who will become functional adults.  But to most people, it may not look like I bother.  I receive a lot of judgment over things I can't control.  It is exhausting.

I read somewhere that the harder you have to work to help someone, the deeper your love for that person.  That feels true.  But I'm the only person who sees any of that here.

As for effects on my mental health ... apart from a higher amount of stress than I thought I signed up for ... the compulsions get to me sometimes.  Hearing the repetitive banging or tapping, or having to wait for the various rituals to be performed before we can move on with our day.  The apparent inability of the person to remove food garbage from her bedroom / the amount of nagging needed to get it done.  And on and on.  I have a recent white streak in my hair, for real.  Related?  Who knows?

And I think what we have here is relatively mild compared to some others' challenges.  I feel for you all.

Edited February 14, 2021 by SKL

[ScoutTN]

10 minutes ago, SKL said:

I am sorry to say it is somewhat of a relief to hear some of the comments about parenting a child with mental health issues.

I think I try as hard as most parents to raise decent children who will become functional adults.  But to most people, it may not look like I bother.  I receive a lot of judgment over things I can't control.  It is exhausting.

I read somewhere that the harder you have to work to help someone, the deeper your love for that person.  That feels true.  But I'm the only person who sees any of that here.

As for effects on my mental health ... apart from a higher amount of stress than I thought I signed up for ... the compulsions get to me sometimes.  Hearing the repetitive banging or tapping, or having to wait for the various rituals to be performed before we can move on with our day.  The apparent inability of the person to remove food garbage from her bedroom / the amount of nagging needed to get it done.  And on and on.  I have a recent white streak in my hair, for real.  Related?  Who knows?

And I think what we have here is relatively mild compared to some others' challenges.  I feel for you all.

Amen. 

[gardenmom5]

4 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

For one thing, I'd stop imputing emotions onto other people. He didn't answer the phone, check. That's a fact. "He was gleeful" is your interpretation of his behavior. It's not a fact. There's no need to think that, and it's not helpful.

I say this as an autistic person who *constantly* as a teen (and even into adulthood) had people accusing me of some inappropriate emotion they thought they had, which always said a lot more about their mental state than anything I actually felt.

He had a huge smile on his face. He was *vocally* quite clear, about how pleased with himself he was that he wasn't going to answer the phone. period.   I wasn't imputing anything.

I'm autistic. (and like him, I also have CAPD, and ADD.  And definitely had my own experiences with PDA/defense mode to the point of freezing.)  I can agree, it's really tiresome to have people lecture me about how I need to have patience for/treat people with disabilities.  Especially when I've been triggered because I have a disability.   

 

 

1 hour ago, ***** said:

I have a degree in special education and I continually learn so much on this forum of all the subtypes, etc. of conditions.  I had never heard of PANDAS until I was on this forum...Given I got my degree many, years ago, and stayed home to homeschool my children, but when kids are assessed in school, there is never any mention of subtypes, as you mentioned PDA.  At least that I am aware of.  What sites/resources can you refer me to so I can learn more about subtypes, like you mentioned PDA... 

Not directly related, but growing up with a covert narcissist, I've been listening to Dr. Ramani and Dr. Les Carter a lot.  They've both mentioned how little narcissism is covered in school. I've definitely met therapists who don't know much about it.

I appreciate your willingness to learn - I've met a few too many special ed teachers in the schools who think they know everything.  I can think of a SLP, and a school psych I would have been happy to punch - and to think they got mad because he walked out on them.  Look in the mirror idiots. I saw how they were attempting to intimidate him so they could control him.   He refused to put up with it. (when he was six.)

I prefer Aspergers Experts take on this. (descriptions remind me of each other.)  They call it deep in defense mode, and attribute it to severe anxiety, ,and  being so deep into fight/flight (defense mode) it has become "Freeze".  They posit it is a (vagus) nervous system response - and it can be helped.  Not necessarily easy - but it's possible.  (based on Poly Vagal theory.  Name currently escapes me - psychiatrist with an impressive resume.)

[gardenmom5]

2 hours ago, ***** said:

I have a degree in special education and I continually learn so much on this forum of all the subtypes, etc. of conditions.  I had never heard of PANDAS until I was on this forum...Given I got my degree many, years ago, and stayed home to homeschool my children, but when kids are assessed in school, there is never any mention of subtypes, as you mentioned PDA.  At least that I am aware of.  What sites/resources can you refer me to so I can learn more about subtypes, like you mentioned PDA... 

Here's a graphic of what I was trying to describe.

Things which will stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system (and the vagus nerve) will help - might not be everything, but they will help.

[*****]

37 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

Not directly related, but growing up with a covert narcissist, I've been listening to Dr. Ramani and Dr. Les Carter a lot.  They've both mentioned how little narcissism is covered in school. I've definitely met therapists who don't know much about it.

I am followers as well, as I have a person in mind I have wondered whether or not covert. If so, it is on the far left, let's say traits of...yet after learning so much about Asperger's, and childhood trauma, etc., I sometimes I wonder if there is a fine border to narcissism and these other things.  Have  you ever heard of anything to this idea? Thank you for the above chart, I will have to take time to look it over.

[gardenmom5]

8 minutes ago, ***** said:

I am followers as well, as I have a person in mind I have wondered whether or not covert. If so, it is on the far left, let's say traits of...yet after learning so much about Asperger's, and childhood trauma, etc., I sometimes I wonder if there is a fine border to narcissism and these other things.  Have  you ever heard of anything to this idea? Thank you for the above chart, I will have to take time to look it over.

I think sometimes inexperienced people mistake an autistic for a narcissist, as very superficially some autistic traits can look like a narcissist to the casual observer.  (looking like something isn't the same as being like something. the underlying reason is different.  the response when it is pointed out is also different.  an autistic might become rigid - but rigidity is an autistic trait, and it presents differently than a narcissists refusal to acknowledge culpability.)

My narcissist was definitely not ASD.  

 

Edited February 14, 2021 by gardenmom5

[Tanaqui]

When I have "a huge smile on my face" it does not mean that I am happy. That's just something my face does when I am upset or stressed - even in very unfortunate contexts like watching Holocaust documentaries or when being lectured on my behavior by my mother, to pull two examples from high school. When I am happy, I do not smile.

I'm not telling you to be more careful with your assessments of his mental state for his sake, I'm telling you that you should be more careful for your own sake. That path does not end well.

[gardenmom5]

9 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

When I have "a huge smile on my face" it does not mean that I am happy. That's just something my face does when I am upset or stressed - even in very unfortunate contexts like watching Holocaust documentaries or when being lectured on my behavior by my mother, to pull two examples from high school. When I am happy, I do not smile.

I'm not telling you to be more careful with your assessments of his mental state for his sake, I'm telling you that you should be more careful for your own sake. That path does not end well.

I'm not talking about you, I'm talking about my son.

I'm sorry you don't know your own children well enough to be able to tell the difference that you assume I can't tell the difference with my own children.  He's my fifth.  I can tell when he's uncomfortable, and when he's pleased with himself, and when his anxiety is presenting as thinking something is funny vs when he thinks something is funny.

Edited February 14, 2021 by gardenmom5

[theelfqueen]

Teenagers are exhausting 

[Janeway]

It feels to me like the teen years are even harder with no ASD. The drama ...... OK so that is not a complete sentence but when I think of a teen without ASD I just think of all the teen drama that everyone else goes through. Reason a teen with ASD is hard enough but raising a teen without is just well beyond hard.

[fairfarmhand]

20 hours ago, Melissa Louise said:

Same. 

I have consistently down played the impact on me, my career, my mental health, and my enjoyment of parenting. I can narrate the worst things without much emotion. 

It really took therapy - having another person make observations to me about the extent and nature of the ongoing impact - for me to even begin to understand that the effect has been huge, and a contributor to my own suicidality. 

Teens or young adults with chronic mental health issues which impact on their function in important, non-trivial ways....it's an extremely challenging parenting situation.*

There is no way to really communicate the potential costs of parenting to self when in the hormonally-mediated love bubble of conception, gestation, infancy, early childhood. And no point, I guess, past conception. We may as well assume all will be well in future parenting stages. Often it is.

*I didn't mention cost to the person with the illness/lack of function, BC this is a thread about parents feelings, not because I devalue the person's suffering. 

My dd19 has seen the impact that one of her sister's mental struggles have had on my dh and me, Because of this, that dd is hesitant to say that she ever wants to have children. And I guess she's going to have to decide what to do with that for herself. 

[Amy Gen]

21 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

I say this as an autistic person who *constantly* as a teen (and even into adulthood) had people accusing me of some inappropriate emotion they thought they had, which always said a lot more about their mental state than anything I actually felt.

I just want to say that my autistic kid would laugh when she got in trouble. It really was just a nervous release, but it would really get under my husband’s skin. It felt so disrespectful to him. 
 

She only made it through kindergarten and 1/2 of first grade in school settings, but I told her teachers that when she acted that way, they should pretend she was crying because she was feeling similar to a kid who might cry in uncomfortable situations, but she was just expressing it differently. 
 

 

[Amy in NH]

On 2/12/2021 at 11:03 AM, gardenmom5 said:

 

this is my fifth teen. he meets the criteria (not recognized in the US.) for PDA.  pathological demand avoidance. (subtype of ASD.)  

so, how would you "reframe" a teenager refusing to answer the phone? (he admitted he heard it.)  and being gleeful about it when you later ask him why he didn't?  I rushed home and skipped errands ahead of a forecasted snowstorm (which can be paralyzing here due to hills, and ice), to make sure he was up for his one online class (he was - because of my phone calls,) - because he wouldn't answer the phone.

 

If your son is old enough to be taking college courses, is he not also old enough to either get himself out of bed in time or take the consequences of not doing so?  Natural and logical consequences work for those on the spectrum. 

If you know he will not answer the phone because of his disorders, why would you get upset when he does not answer the phone? 

If you feel the need to control his life to such a degree, perhaps you need to find better ways of checking in on him when he is not able to respond - perhaps a nanny-cam would make it so that you can see he is up without having to rush home?

I suppose these are rhetorical questions.  Of course you don't need to answer.

Edited February 15, 2021 by Amy in NH

[gardenmom5]

On 2/14/2021 at 8:08 PM, Amy in NH said:

If your son is old enough to be taking college courses, is he not also old enough to either get himself out of bed in time or take the consequences of not doing so?  Natural and logical consequences work for those on the spectrum. 

If you know he will not answer the phone because of his disorders, why would you get upset when he does not answer the phone? 

If you feel the need to control his life to such a degree, perhaps you need to find better ways of checking in on him when he is not able to respond - perhaps a nanny-cam would make it so that you can see he is up without having to rush home?

I suppose these are rhetorical questions.  Of course you don't need to answer.

after giving explicit information, I'm deleting it for my son's privacy.

I trust there will be no more uninformed suppositions.

 

Edited February 16, 2021 by gardenmom5

[theelfqueen]

There are Amazon Alexa devices in both of my teens rooms - they use them as alarms, speakers, etc. I use them as an intercom (I make announcements about meals being ready or drop in to chat about pressing things to make sure they are getting ready, etc. I can connect to them via my phone even when I'm out of the house - or set off an alarm or start music or other things to get their attention) Maybe that could be useful. My oldest son uses the Amazon Echo Show to drop in and see his dogs when he's away from the house. It's not always on, it's like a video call. 

[gardenmom5]

13 hours ago, Janeway said:

It feels to me like the teen years are even harder with no ASD. The drama ...... OK so that is not a complete sentence but when I think of a teen without ASD I just think of all the teen drama that everyone else goes through. Reason a teen with ASD is hard enough but raising a teen without is just well beyond hard.

No - ASD teen drama has been (and was - I have another with ASD) far harder.  My teen without ASD or ADD - piece. of. cake.!

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, theelfqueen said:

There are Amazon Alexa devices in both of my teens rooms - they use them as alarms, speakers, etc. I use them as an intercom (I make announcements about meals being ready or drop in to chat about pressing things to make sure they are getting ready, etc. I can connect to them via my phone even when I'm out of the house - or set off an alarm or start music or other things to get their attention) Maybe that could be useful. My oldest son uses the Amazon Echo Show to drop in and see his dogs when he's away from the house. It's not always on, it's like a video call. 

Interesting.  Something to explore.