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I’ve posted about my struggles with severe depression/anxiety since having Covid in November.  I have an amazing therapist and am on meds now, but day to day life still seems so daunting. I am still really struggling with su$cidal ideation regularly.  We know it’s post Covid syndrome, along with my sense of smell and taste being destroyed(everything smells and tastes like burnt meat), also due to post Covid syndrome. So I am depressed, everything smells awful and I can only eat things that I can use a straw for, like milkshakes or protein shakes.  I’m also diabetic so that’s a challenge. 
I’ve never been in a depression like this.

So because of that, I enrolled my two youngest in school.  I loved homeschooling, but I honestly need to reduce stress and have some time to take care of me.  School is in person here since October and there’s been no Covid cases linked to the school, so I am comfortable with that.  
But I still feel like a failure. 

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7 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

I enrolled my two youngest in school.

Do you feel the set up is good for them?

I think you made an AWESOME choice and the LOGICAL choice. You have to take care of yourself, and a depressed mom is fatiguing to the kids. They're probably going to have a GREAT TIME and they're going into the BEST time of year in the ps! Parties, Valentines, end of year activities. It will be great. And if it's not, that's fine too. You still did the right thing. No flames here.

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NOT a failure!

You are amazing.  I’ve been awed by how you keep going through everything that you’ve been hit with in the last few years. If you need some time to rest and re-group, take it.  You deserve it, and you are worth it. 

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Shifting priorities in the face of new information is not failing, it is adapting. It is making a conscious choice based on the current data. It's okay to change your priorities based on new information and new circumstances. In fact, it's only logical to do so. Homeschooling was what you thought was best for your family. Now, it is not what is best for your family. Continuing to do it, despite knowing it isn't the best choice, would be dumb. You are not dumb. Therefore, you are doing the right thing. 

Your kids need a healthy mom for the next many decades more than they need to homeschool for the next few months. Do whatever it takes to make that happen. 

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13 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

struggling with su$cidal ideation regularly.

Sorry for quoting this, but I was going through our genetics and found the gene correlated to this. Are you on an antidepressant? If you are and are having this, you REALLY need to be talking with your provider PRONTO. 

The gene is HTR2A  and the SN# is RS582385. There are some others they look at as well, like RS594242.

Edited by PeterPan
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You are amazing, successful, and you’re making the best possible choices for you and your family. You’re a fighter. You’re going to get through this and come out stronger for it. And most of all, you’re going to learn to trust yourself more. 

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12 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

Do you feel the set up is good for them?

I think you made an AWESOME choice and the LOGICAL choice. You have to take care of yourself, and a depressed mom is fatiguing to the kids. They're probably going to have a GREAT TIME and they're going into the BEST time of year in the ps! Parties, Valentines, end of year activities. It will be great. And if it's not, that's fine too. You still did the right thing. No flames here.

It’s a small school to start with, and they managed to get classroom sizes down to 10 kids.  I have not been overly Covid cautious, but I had a five year old patient die a few weeks ago from Covid with no underlying conditions. I am concerned about the new strains and kids, but the school has done a fantastic job podding the kids into groups of 10.  Plus masking is required and my kids don’t mind masks.

Also my youngest has developmental delays, probably mosaic Down Syndrome based on initial genetics, plus he was a preemie.  He needs more academic intervention than I can give, even with finishing my master’s in special education, and the school offered two hours a day plus his other services. If I was homeschooling and accepted their offers, he’d be there three-four hours every day anyway. He needs the intervention but at that point we might as well enroll him.

I did keep the kids up to date with schoolwork. They’re not behind, despite my personal issues since Covid.  And they want to go to school. Mom isn’t much fun these days.  I really do love homeschooling them, but they get home by 2:30 from school. My husband has convinced me that if I have the few hours to myself and take care of myself, I’ll have 2:30-bedtime to focus completely on the kids and play games and do crafts and read books.  Right now I’m stressing doing those things while doing my own master’s degree and trying to manage my mental health. 

Edited by Mrs Tiggywinkle
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You are not a failure.  You are a wonderful person.  My goodness, is everyone who enrolls their child in school a failure?  Of course not!  Be kind to yourself.  You are doing what needs to be done.  

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7 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

Sorry for quoting this, but I was going through our genetics and found the gene correlated to this. Are you on an antidepressant? If you are and are having this, you REALLY need to be talking with your provider PRONTO. 

The gene is HTR2A  and the SN# is RS582385. There are some others they look at as well, like RS594242.

It’s okay to quote. I’m open about it in my personal life, and have had several people privately tell me they’ve also struggled since having Covid. I think it’s important to talk about.

I am on Prozac now.  I had genetics done because we had genetic consult for my youngest, and I will call today and see what I can find out.

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2 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

It’s a small school to start with, and they managed to get classroom sizes down to 10 kids.  I have not been overly Covid cautious, but I had a five year old patient die a few weeks ago from Covid with no underlying conditions. I am concerned about the new strains and kids, but the school has done a fantastic job podding the kids into groups of 10.  Plus masking is required and my kids don’t mind masks.

Also my youngest has developmental delays, probably mosaic Down Syndrome based on initial genetics, plus he was a preemie.  He needs more academic intervention than I can give, even with finishing my master’s in special education, and the school offered two hours a day plus his other services. If I was homeschooling and accepted their offers, he’d be there three-four hours every day anyway. He needs the intervention but at that point we might as well enroll him.

I did keep the kids up to date with schoolwork. They’re not behind, despite my personal issues since Covid.  And they want to go to school. Mom isn’t much fun these days.

What a WONDERFUL set up!!! You must feel so good to have a safe place to send your kids when you need help.

We always have school on the table with ds, because of the complexity of his situation, and the way the professional put it to me was *school is there for when you need it*. So that's what it's there for and you have a wonderful, safe, caring place that is giving service. I don't see how you could ask for more. Haha, ask for massage every day for yourself, lol. 

But no, you pulled the trigger and it was the right thing do it. It's only hard when you realize homeschooling becomes sort of identity. Do you think this change is permanent or temporary? It sounds like for your younger it's permanent, which is FINE. So for your other, maybe it goes in and out as y'all see the landscape. What do you want to do for yourself now to fill the mental void, to reframe yourself? 

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24 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

I’ve posted about my struggles with severe depression/anxiety since having Covid in November.  I have an amazing therapist and am on meds now, but day to day life still seems so daunting. I am still really struggling with su$cidal ideation regularly.  We know it’s post Covid syndrome, along with my sense of smell and taste being destroyed(everything smells and tastes like burnt meat), also due to post Covid syndrome. So I am depressed, everything smells awful and I can only eat things that I can use a straw for, like milkshakes or protein shakes.  I’m also diabetic so that’s a challenge. 
I’ve never been in a depression like this.

So because of that, I enrolled my two youngest in school.  I loved homeschooling, but I honestly need to reduce stress and have some time to take care of me.  School is in person here since October and there’s been no Covid cases linked to the school, so I am comfortable with that.  
But I still feel like a failure. 

Remember your scale of success before this really depended on homeschooling most likely... so to NOT homeschool feels like a failure in a HUGE area.  Does that make it true? Oh mama, NO!  You have a very real medical issue you're struggling with.  If I had posted this, with my medical cr@p, would you have EVER thought, "Ugh, poor Kelly, she really screwed up here.  Probably ruined her kids with this..." You wouldn't.  I reverse the scenario to prove my illustration.  Please, please, please give yourself the grace that you would extend to others. ❤️ They've proven that Covid has long term effects for some people - including neurological struggles and depression.  Heal mama.  Just heal - rest, take care of yourself.  You do not need to be a plate spinner right now.

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3 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

I had genetics done because we had genetic consult for my youngest, and I will call today and see what I can find out.

You could see if you can download the raw data. I trust no one anymore. There is this complete disconnect in the psychiatry community between what is known and what is done. They diagnose based on symptoms (fine), decide meds based on symptoms (fine), but don't connect that to genetics at all. And then when you find these companies (Genomind, Genesight, etc.) doing testing, their feedback is really generic. I've learned more just pouring over the raw data run through promothease myself.

Wasn't there a study someone posted about niacin in high doses to counter the effects of the long covid? Niacin is so interesting with it's part in serotonin. And there's research on rebalancing after coming off an SSRI. 

But no, if this has gotten worse, I'd be wondering about that interaction with the med. That's really scary. A pdoc we consulted with wanted to put ds on prozac, and my warning bells kept going off. Found that gene. I'm pro any med you want. Nuts, if she had offered me an atypical antipsychotic for him I would have taken it in a flash. But the prozac, I don't know I was just really concerned. 

So be really careful I guess I'm saying. 

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10 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

And they want to go to school.

Ok, I'm just curious, what is is they're most wanting school for? 

I've apparently failed to make school look appealing enough. I mentioned to him yesterday that the autism school we were at (for multi hour testing) would love to have him enrolled. He's like OH NO, hahaha. They do pods also and are very loving and attentive. And the therapist was like hey let me take you on a tour of our new building... LOL 

Anyways, I think that's really good to listen to your kids. Not like necessarily doing everything they say but taking it into account. With ds we're always about the idea that if you say something and bother to self advocate, people will CARE. So that's interesting if they're expressing needs and why they'd like to be there. 

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4 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

Ok, I'm just curious, what is is they're most wanting school for? 

I've apparently failed to make school look appealing enough. I mentioned to him yesterday that the autism school we were at (for multi hour testing) would love to have him enrolled. He's like OH NO, hahaha. They do pods also and are very loving and attentive. And the therapist was like hey let me take you on a tour of our new building... LOL 

Anyways, I think that's really good to listen to your kids. Not like necessarily doing everything they say but taking it into account. With ds we're always about the idea that if you say something and bother to self advocate, people will CARE. So that's interesting if they're expressing needs and why they'd like to be there. 

They’ve been in school. My youngest was in developmental preschool from age 3 because he needed so much early intervention.  My daughter is third grade and thrives in the school environment.  She’s very much missed it.

My oldest would burn down buildings to be homeschooled. But he has autism and his own mental health difficulties, though he’s doing amazing on Abilify.  He’s thriving in his autism school and 6:1:1 classroom, but he complains about it constantly lol.  He would love to be homeschooled but I cannot reproduce the school structure he needs. Plus I am neuroatypical myself, and I think he needs more exposure to neurotypical people lol.

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10 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

Remember your scale of success before this really depended on homeschooling most likely... so to NOT homeschool feels like a failure in a HUGE area.  Does that make it true? Oh mama, NO!  You have a very real medical issue you're struggling with.  If I had posted this, with my medical cr@p, would you have EVER thought, "Ugh, poor Kelly, she really screwed up here.  Probably ruined her kids with this..." You wouldn't.  I reverse the scenario to prove my illustration.  Please, please, please give yourself the grace that you would extend to others. ❤️ They've proven that Covid has long term effects for some people - including neurological struggles and depression.  Heal mama.  Just heal - rest, take care of yourself.  You do not need to be a plate spinner right now.

The neurological struggles are real. I have an appointment with a neurologist in March(soonest I could get in). I’ve developed a random hand tremor and I’m suddenly falling a lot.  The consensus continues to be I have post-Covid syndrome that’s affected my brain in several ways. 

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1 minute ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

He’s thriving in his autism school and 6:1:1 classroom, but he complains about it constantly lol.

What a window into the soul, lol. Yes, I think that's what would happen to us, even if he had the best placement in the world. 

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14 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

What a WONDERFUL set up!!! You must feel so good to have a safe place to send your kids when you need help.

We always have school on the table with ds, because of the complexity of his situation, and the way the professional put it to me was *school is there for when you need it*. So that's what it's there for and you have a wonderful, safe, caring place that is giving service. I don't see how you could ask for more. Haha, ask for massage every day for yourself, lol. 

But no, you pulled the trigger and it was the right thing do it. It's only hard when you realize homeschooling becomes sort of identity. Do you think this change is permanent or temporary? It sounds like for your younger it's permanent, which is FINE. So for your other, maybe it goes in and out as y'all see the landscape. What do you want to do for yourself now to fill the mental void, to reframe yourself? 

I could return to work full time, but my husband is pretty against that as is my therapist(and my parents).  Work is a huge depressive trigger for me.  I could look for another job, or volunteer at the library, or deep clean my house and do crafts.  I am at the end stretch of my master’s too. 

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Just now, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

deep clean my house

Oh THERE'S something everyone should do when they're depressed and falling randomly, lol.

How about buy a new chair, put it by a sunny window, and take up a small low stress hobby? Like reading cookbooks. You can request them online and have someone pick them up from the library. Then in 6 months you'll be this amazing chef. Or crochet dishrags. I guess that's crafts, lol. You could watch every episode of Julia Child on a tablet while sitting in that sunny location.

I think your dh is right on the not going back to work right now, mercy. It's ok to be good to yourself. If you don't know what you'd like, maybe you'd like to start learning about Interoception. :biggrin:

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46 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

I can only eat things that I can use a straw for, like milkshakes or protein shakes.

Hold it, how did I miss this? That's, well my ds would think it's great but that's awful. Oh my. 

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I am so sorry you are struggling.  I am sending you so many hugs and good thoughts.  

Are you still seeing your therapist? 

You are not a failure at all.  Your school situation sounds perfect.  Super small classes and a school that doing all they can to keep the kids safe.   Then you can be the fun mom and do the neat things with the kids.   This is the right thing for you and your kids.  Sometimes you need to put your mask on first before you can help the kids.  You did the right thing.  

 

 

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54 minutes ago, SusanC said:

You are a strong, practical woman whom i wish I knew in person. You are not a failure.

Exactly. Not a failure. I think you are rather amazing. You have weathered more than a fair share of hard things these past few years, you have to be exhausted. Giving yourself time to heal now is a gift to your future relationships. 

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Hat off to you for seeing what needed to be done for your kids and DOING IT, despite your personal struggle right now, and despite the emotional cost you knew it would take on you.  That is real mothering.  

Take care of yourself.  You are on the right path to recovery.  No one can predict its length, but it does have a destination you will reach!!!   

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Suicidal ideation on prozac is a very real side effect, and it shouldn't be ignored. I'd definitely check with your prescriber about changing to something different or adding a different type of med to help with those thoughts. You're not a failure - you are a warrior. 

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2 minutes ago, hippymamato3 said:

Suicidal ideation on prozac is a very real side effect, and it shouldn't be ignored. I'd definitely check with your prescriber about changing to something different or adding a different type of med to help with those thoughts. You're not a failure - you are a warrior. 

The suicidal ideation is actually less than it was before meds, but I know it’s something they watch for. I actually started on lexapro first, but I was sleeping too much.  I am starting to feel better on the Prozac, but I know any SSRI takes a while. 
I have never had suicidal thoughts before, and that’s what prompted me to finally get help in December.  It was....very frightening.

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30 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

The neurological struggles are real. I have an appointment with a neurologist in March(soonest I could get in). I’ve developed a random hand tremor and I’m suddenly falling a lot.  The consensus continues to be I have post-Covid syndrome that’s affected my brain in several ways. 

Something I am curious about, is post covid syndrome possibly related to higher viral loads from repeated exposure? I’m just wondering if it’s something our medical workers might be disproportionately affected by. Seriously Mrs T, you ran into the fire again and again, not only being put in positions to become infected, but in experiencing the tragic effects in your patients. I think it would be a good thing for someone to do a study on, in order to support our front line workers in all the ways they need to heal. 
 

Again, you are not a failure. You are just on a break between tours of duty. Use this time however you need to restore and prepare for the next stage in your life journey. 

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3 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

The suicidal ideation is actually less than it was before meds, but I know it’s something they watch for. I actually started on lexapro first, but I was sleeping too much.  I am starting to feel better on the Prozac, but I know any SSRI takes a while. 
I have never had suicidal thoughts before, and that’s what prompted me to finally get help in December.  It was....very frightening.

Okay, that's good info. You may need a supplemental med. And yes, they do take a while. I've never experienced suicidal thoughts, but my son has, and they are terrifying. I'm so sorry you are going through this. 

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32 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

Oh THERE'S something everyone should do when they're depressed and falling randomly, lol.

How about buy a new chair, put it by a sunny window, and take up a small low stress hobby? Like reading cookbooks. You can request them online and have someone pick them up from the library. Then in 6 months you'll be this amazing chef. Or crochet dishrags. I guess that's crafts, lol. You could watch every episode of Julia Child on a tablet while sitting in that sunny location.

I think your dh is right on the not going back to work right now, mercy. It's ok to be good to yourself. If you don't know what you'd like, maybe you'd like to start learning about Interoception. :biggrin:

TBH I think that deep cleaning and decluttering  - as long as Mrs T feels physically up to it - is an excellent activity. It’s kind of like cutting the grass, you see immediate results for your efforts (so opposite of parenting!). It’s something one actually has control over, when life otherwise seems dominated by uncertainty. And it’s liberating to be rid of things that just weigh one down because it has to be maintained. 
 

Or, maybe read some fluffy novels. Whatever you feel up to, Mrs T! Just from what I understand of your personality, you are a woman of action. I predict you will finish your master’s work in top form. And maybe get some dusting in, too. 

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43 minutes ago, Thatboyofmine said:

You are just about the very last person in the world that I'd consider a failure in anything.    There are a few of you posters here who continuously blow my mind at all that you handle, accomplish, and take care care of.   You, mrstiddly, are a champion, whether you feel like it right now or not.    Many, many hugs, mama.      

This exactly. 🙂 

Hugs, Mrs. Tiggywinkle.

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DEFINITELY not a failure. You are an amazing woman who is able to recognize, even when dealing with suuuuuuuu-per sucky physical and mental symptoms, what is best for her and her family. Keep on going, Mrs.Tiggywinkle, and take some time to rest as well. You are an awesome person!

FWIW, my DD, who deals with suicidal ideation and POTS (which can be similar to post-Covid syndrome in some ways), has found it helpful to have a green/yellow/red list of symptoms and remedies. When the urges are in the green zone, she finds X,Y, and Z helpful; when in the yellow zone, she finds A,B, and C helpful; etc. She also has a similar list for when POTS waylays her and a list for when she's feeling well physically. It removes some of the decision-making which can be very challenging for her in the moment when she is experiencing mental health or physical health challenges. I don't know if such a system may help you, but I thought I would throw it out there. 

Hugs to you! I am impressed with your resiliance and strength. 

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1 hour ago, Seasider too said:

TBH I think that deep cleaning and decluttering  - as long as Mrs T feels physically up to it - is an excellent activity.

Sure! For me, the ability to do that seems to be linked to some of the chemicals in the brain. Choosing between things, deciding where things go is very stressful. In my experience with myself, my ability to clean is directly connected to my health and brain chemistry. If the reason to try to do it is because it's what women do, it's what you should do because you're at home, or other guilt junk, let that go. But hey, if it makes her feel good and is working, have at it. 

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1 hour ago, PeterPan said:

Oh THERE'S something everyone should do when they're depressed and falling randomly, lol.

How about buy a new chair, put it by a sunny window, and take up a small low stress hobby? Like reading cookbooks. You can request them online and have someone pick them up from the library. Then in 6 months you'll be this amazing chef. Or crochet dishrags. I guess that's crafts, lol. You could watch every episode of Julia Child on a tablet while sitting in that sunny location.

I think your dh is right on the not going back to work right now, mercy. It's ok to be good to yourself. If you don't know what you'd like, maybe you'd like to start learning about Interoception. :biggrin:

This. So this. You don’t need a “to do” list so you can force yourself better. That’sa misguided notion of society has. You need to rest, heal, and take care of self for a little while. 

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You are not a failure. Having a healthy mom is much more important than being homeschooled. Making the best choice for you and your family is never a failure. I’m sorry to hear the struggles you’ve been dealing with and hope you start feeling better soon! 

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Sounds like you're making really good, solid decisions. Getting help, finding proper meds, meeting your kids's needs in what sounds like a great way. I never homeschooled my special needs dd because the school could do more for her. They had the staffing, PT, OT, and vision specialists, and the time to focus on her. Nothing wrong with that! I remember about 10 years ago I wanted a t-shirt that said "I'm doing the best I can." I could not do everything, but I did do the best I could with what I had, and that's what you're doing. If I had any graphic design talent I would have designed that shirt and sent you one too. Keep on hanging in there.

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14 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

This. So this. You don’t need a “to do” list so you can force yourself better. That’sa misguided notion of society has. You need to rest, heal, and take care of self for a little while. 

Cleaning and organizing actually make me feel better. Decluttering is my favorite.

I acknowledge my weirdness. 🙂

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1 hour ago, Seasider too said:

TBH I think that deep cleaning and decluttering  - as long as Mrs T feels physically up to it - is an excellent activity. It’s kind of like cutting the grass, you see immediate results for your efforts (so opposite of parenting!). It’s something one actually has control over, when life otherwise seems dominated by uncertainty. And it’s liberating to be rid of things that just weigh one down because it has to be maintained. 
 

Or, maybe read some fluffy novels. Whatever you feel up to, Mrs T! Just from what I understand of your personality, you are a woman of action. I predict you will finish your master’s work in top form. And maybe get some dusting in, too. 

I was going to say the same thing.....cleaning and organizing make me feel so good.  So between cleaning and finishing your Masters @Mrs Tiggywinkle sounds like you have productive things to fill your time. Hopefully you will take some time for just relaxing too.

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2 hours ago, PeterPan said:

Sorry for quoting this, but I was going through our genetics and found the gene correlated to this. Are you on an antidepressant? If you are and are having this, you REALLY need to be talking with your provider PRONTO. 

The gene is HTR2A  and the SN# is RS582385. There are some others they look at as well, like RS594242.

Super double yes.  My ds suffered from very serious depression and none of the drugs they tried worked.  He just stopped taking anything and overall has learned how to live it.  The. Dd2 had the same issue but hers was even erode, tge first one they tried on her made her feel homicidal and suicidal.  We stopped it immediately.  Other ones didn't give as bad a reaction but either slightly worsened depression or didn't help at all 

All of the family has SAD too.  DD2 went in her junior year to NZ from July to very late November.  It was late Spring there.  I was already worried tremendously about her depression and the addition of probable severe SAD, so I got her genetically tested for which psychotropic drugs would work.  It turned out that all the normally used now anti-depressants would either make it worse or not work.  Shrbus now on nortyptilline and ds will be trying it soon too.

Specifically w psychotropic drugs but also other drugs too, the whole lets give them random drugs and take a chance they work results in severe consequences.

 

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25 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

Cleaning and organizing actually make me feel better. Decluttering is my favorite.

I acknowledge my weirdness. 🙂

You are cordially invited to visit me and make yourself VERY HAPPY in my house. :biggrin:

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2 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

The neurological struggles are real. I have an appointment with a neurologist in March(soonest I could get in). I’ve developed a random hand tremor and I’m suddenly falling a lot.  The consensus continues to be I have post-Covid syndrome that’s affected my brain in several ways. 

Ugh. My kid has PANDAS so I've done way more research into autoimmune and disease mediated neuropsychiatric stuff. It sucks. Maybe look into a neuropsychiatrist as well - I HIGHLY advise it - and get an appointment ASAP. I'd call as soon as, given how long it can take to get appointments. A neuropsych did WAY more of an indepth neuro evaluation than the regular neurologist did, but more importantly are familiar with the specific part of the brain that can be effected this way. They are the ones most up on how disease and brain inflammation can cause psychiatric symptoms and how best to treat it. Otherwise you get stuck with a separate psych or GP doing the psych part and the neuro doing the neuro part. If at all possible you want one doctor who is trained to see both in an integrated way. They will be far more likely to have experience treating similar things, albeit not a ton with Covid since it is new. Treatments can range from steroids to immune therapy to yes, antidepressants, but I know those are sometimes less helpful when it is a brain inflammation issue than other forms of depression. My son's treatment includes antibiotics (for the calming effect they have on parts of the brain), ibuprofen, and certain supplements but there are a lot of options. 

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PPS. Have you thought about library work? Either volunteer or paid. Volunteer could do. Won't do if you're falling down, but I'm thinking just organizing books could be in the same vein, very peaceful, not fast paced, somewhat social without being too social.

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13 minutes ago, TravelingChris said:

overall has learned how to live it. 

Ever looked into 5HTP? There's a gene for it, TPH2, so you can know whether it's indicated. There are studies cranking up the doses *really high* for certain situations like schizophrenia where they're ok with the dopamine lowering side effect. It's pretty stunning for my ds.

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I am so sorry you are feeling so awful.

As far as failure is concerned, I'd say it's just the opposite.  You have made a choice that is best for everyone involved.  Failure would be failing to take such a step.

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Gosh I hate you are feeling rotten and struggling so much.  But you are NOT a failure!  That is a concern you can take off your plate.  You are making the right and loving decision for your family under extraordinary difficult circumstances.   I am thinking of you and your family and hope you feel better soon.  Sending you a lot of virtual hugs and love.

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