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When your gut feeling is Wrong


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42 minutes ago, Quill said:

I have a similar thing, and I think it is because I have no artifice whatsoever. I don’t try to mislead people for some benefit to me. So then, I have not always seen it when others do do that because I trust people’s word as a default setting. 

I am this way, too. I take everyone at their word and then I'm so surprised when they've misled me or behaved in a way that is contrary to how they usually present themselves. 

The last year has shown me that I had/have many relationships where I feel like my idea of the person and the reality of the person do not match up. I've been thinking on whether that is primarily a me problem or a them problem.  Am I projecting biases, beliefs, hopes on to them? Or am I ignoring/not seeing some red flags that, had I noticed, would have told me right away that these friendships were not a good match? 

Maybe I'm just being super critical and taking it too personally when people are inconsistent.  

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1 hour ago, kbutton said:

 

I thought my DH was supremely annoying the first time I met him. He still has a particular mood he gets in where he is supremely annoying, lol! We can generally joke about it. 

I forgot about this - I didn't like my DH at all when I met him.  He did something to get my attention that backfired and I wanted nothing to do with him.  After that, he kind of tricked me into going on a date with him and then I was hooked.  ❤️  Thank goodness he tricked me because I would have refused otherwise.  

 

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16 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

The last year has shown me that I had/have many relationships where I feel like my idea of the person and the reality of the person do not match up. I've been thinking on whether that is primarily a me problem or a them problem.  Am I projecting biases, beliefs, hopes on to them? Or am I ignoring/not seeing some red flags that, had I noticed, would have told me right away that these friendships were not a good match? 

A lot of people I know have behaved in ways that are contradictory, and I think they just don't see it. I think if their current self could go back in time a few years, their old self would be shocked and demand a seriously good explanation for why they changed. 

There are things that I can trace to show more of a "risk" for being that way, but no solid predictor. 

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One thing I appreciate that I got from my grandmother (covert narcissist) - I can "see" the manipulation.  Actually, it's a blessing and a curse..  At times I wish I could just see the best  in everyone - except some people are downright dangerous and should be seen for who they are just for self-protection.  I recall a time when I'd spent time with genuine people, that I had "forgotten" the manipulation/ulterior motives-in-every-action I grew up with.  Then - I was reminded.  I did appreciate being able to see there are people who are downright genuine.  But, I also felt it was a good thing to be able to see the other.  Sadly.  Pandora's box.

I also have noted there is a difference between contradictory due to quirks of personality/human-nature, and contradictory due to someone who is deliberately manipulative.  the former might make me exasperated - but the later have the hair on the back of my neck standing up in warning and demanding I pay attention.

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1 hour ago, Kassia said:

I forgot about this - I didn't like my DH at all when I met him.  He did something to get my attention that backfired and I wanted nothing to do with him.  After that, he kind of tricked me into going on a date with him and then I was hooked.  ❤️  Thank goodness he tricked me because I would have refused otherwise.  

 

That sounds like a really cute “how we met” story! 😊

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There were a few people I was responsible for hiring that seemed great and ended up being awful.  Two ended up being fired and the other (mercifully) transferred out the department.

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10 hours ago, EKS said:

There were a few people I was responsible for hiring that seemed great and ended up being awful.  Two ended up being fired and the other (mercifully) transferred out the department.

1dd hired a guy she had worked with when she started in tech (he was very experienced) - they were good friends at that workplace and stayed in contact after they both went other places.    She became the IT director for a local company, and desperately needed someone for a position, so she hired him.  She then had to fire him because he just wasn't doing his job, and she'd end up doing the things she assigned him (that she'd hired him to do) - in addition to her own responsibilities just so they'd get done.   It was painful - but she learned from it.  (her next two hires were great.) 

 

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My ex whom I dated for 6 years (so he knew me) used to say I was Forrest Gump because I was so straightforward and generally expected others to be.

But I still have a gut that doesn't lie to me.

I agree that nearly everyone has the capability to be good and/or bad, sometimes both at the same time.  Like when my ex-bosses lied about me in order to get a better review / save their asses.  I didn't love it, but I understood it.  I still like those people, and they probably don't realize that I know what they did.

My gut tends to kick in when someone introduces me to a person or idea that is supposedly gonna be so promising.  There have been a few who were just not right.  Nope nopey nope.  And after some research was done or some time went by, it turned out I was right.  Like the person has a prison record for violent crimes, or he puts his hands all over females at work, or the abandoned building was full of danger / hidden impossibilities, ....

I can also feel when someone is going through something painful.

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I have more of a  what I call a creep meter that has been right on multiple occasions.  Even when some people got mad with me for ignoring and staying away from certain people.  

I don't have a great gut intuition.  I have been known to be to judgy and over react.  Especially when it comes to my kids.

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On 2/7/2021 at 11:09 PM, Farrar said:

I find that guts are especially bad when we have innate biases. And most of us have innate biases. For example, one thing I've seen very often is people telling me that they had a bad gut feeling (or something similar) about a person who turns out to be neuroatypical. Like, the person's gut is telling them that something is "off" and they interpret that to mean the person is a possible abuser or serial killer or something when the actually the person is on the autism spectrum or something. 

A lot of people in authority use their gut feeling to decide whether a person should be there or should be questioned, whether a person is up to no good and needs to be assessed as a threat, etc. Except, we know those gut feelings lead to more violent outcomes when law enforcement, security guards, neighborhood watch, school officials, etc. etc. deal with people of color.

Well said. I've had ugly people have a "gut feeling" about my child with autism. On more than one occasion, he's been excluded by ADULTS who just thought something was "up" and they needed to keep their snowflakes away from him. This was when he was a teen... All kinds of hurt goes through this mama's heart when these things happen. Poor guy still gets odd looks in stores such. 

Shame on people who think bad things about people because they aren't "neurotypical."

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21 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

One thing I appreciate that I got from my grandmother (covert narcissist) - I can "see" the manipulation.  Actually, it's a blessing and a curse..  At times I wish I could just see the best  in everyone - except some people are downright dangerous and should be seen for who they are just for self-protection.  I recall a time when I'd spent time with genuine people, that I had "forgotten" the manipulation/ulterior motives-in-every-action I grew up with.  Then - I was reminded.  I did appreciate being able to see there are people who are downright genuine.  But, I also felt it was a good thing to be able to see the other.  Sadly.  Pandora's box.

I also have noted there is a difference between contradictory due to quirks of personality/human-nature, and contradictory due to someone who is deliberately manipulative.  the former might make me exasperated - but the later have the hair on the back of my neck standing up in warning and demanding I pay attention.

I always knew when I didn't like someone, and it was easy enough to prove myself right for those people. (Referring back to the confirmatory bias).

But I generally trusted people too easily before I learned the truth about my ex. Now, I do not trust ANYBODY. And if someone has been in my life and generally supportive, I am much quicker to call them out or cut them off if they let me down. A lot of it has to do with not having time to play games. If I'm not important enough for you to remember that we were meeting up for lunch, then buh-bye! 

But a lot more of of it has to do with "Oh so THIS is who you really are." I just don't give people a second chance. I am sure I am missing out on a lot of good people this way but I feel like my ex's betrayal is still relatively fresh, and with the pandemic it's not like I've been expanding my social circle. I guess you could say I'm at a point in my life where I'm more willing to miss out on good people than to risk trusting a bad person. I hope that reverses a bit in time.  

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