Nm - found out they are in process of adoption

[TravelingChris]

Nm

Edited February 6, 2021 by TravelingChris

[MercyA]

I've not heard of it being done before, but obviously it was important to someone to have it in there. Not sure what it has to do with their level of education. It does seem any miscarried children would be included in the "preceded in death" section rather than in the listing of still alive great-grandchildren, though.

Not something I would choose to do, but, really, what does it matter, unless closer relatives objected?

[Laurie]

I've seen an unborn child included in the list of great-grandchildren...it was something like "soon to be born Jane Doe"  .   FWIW, the parents of this baby both have graduate degrees and are Catholic.   

[Junie]

Yes, I have also seen unborn babies listed in obituaries for parents, grandparents, great-grandparents.

[MooCow]

Yes

[Dmmetler]

My son has been listed as preceded in death for several relatives. I haven’t asked, but definitely appreciate it.

 

[Selkie]

I see not-yet-born babies listed in obituaries quite often, as well as babies who were lost during pregnancy. I don't think it has anything to do with education. Rather, it shows that although the babies are unborn, they are still an important part of the family.

[Katy]

As far as I know it’s only been among right wing extremely religious people in the past few decades. I’ve seen it among women who started testing 10 days after a positive ovulation test, got one faint positive (possibly evaporation) line on a cheapie Chinese pregnancy test strip, never had another positive, her period wasn’t even late, and then cried about  her miscarriage for a couple years until a pregnancy stuck.

IME the obituary is more of a political declaration about life beginning before implantation than it is a real loss. Which isn’t to say that infertility isn’t terribly painful, all the more so when you’re in a fundamentalist quiver full type of denomination, especially those who are taught that following certain doctrines guarantees God’s blessing. 

[prairiewindmomma]

I have seen stillborn children listed by name. These children have burial plots.

I have seen references to “angels born to heaven” in reference to a woman’s own obituary and her own miscarriages.

[sbgrace]

I have seen miscarried babies listed in obituaries under the preceeded in death. In one of those cases there were no living children. In another, it  was a still birth situation. 

[BusyMom5]

I have scene still born, but not usually miscarriages listed in obituaries.  We have several family members that lost a baby at almost full-term or right after birth.  I cannot imagine equating a miscarriage with their loss.    

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

My grandparents all had a stillborn at 22 week grandchild listed as predeceased by.  One of my sisters was pregnant when my grandfather died and that grandchild was listed as unborn grandchild in the list.

 

[MercyA]

26 minutes ago, BusyMom5 said:

I have seen still born, but not usually miscarriages listed in obituaries.  We have several family members that lost a baby at almost full-term or right after birth.  I cannot imagine equating a miscarriage with their loss.    

It might not have anything to do with comparing one thing to another. 

[MercyA]

1 hour ago, Katy said:

As far as I know it’s only been among right wing extremely religious people in the past few decades. I’ve seen it among women who started testing 10 days after a positive ovulation test, got one faint positive (possibly evaporation) line on a cheapie Chinese pregnancy test strip, never had another positive, her period wasn’t even late, and then cried about  her miscarriage for a couple years until a pregnancy stuck.

IME the obituary is more of a political declaration about life beginning before implantation than it is a real loss. Which isn’t to say that infertility isn’t terribly painful, all the more so when you’re in a fundamentalist quiver full type of denomination, especially those who are taught that following certain doctrines guarantees God’s blessing. 

So. I have one child. I had one very early miscarriage. I felt sure I was pregnant before I took the test, having been pregnant before. I'd been tracking my temps as well and they, too, were indicative of pregnancy. I only ever had one faint positive. My period was not very late, if at all. But for someone who struggled with infertility for years, had only been able to have one child, and who was told after the miscarriage that we wouldn't be trying anymore, ever again, it was a very real loss, I assure you. 

I'd cry too if I got my hopes up, lost a tiny human being, and then went several more years before conceiving again. It's not for you to judge the emotions she felt over that.

For many pro-life people, their convictions have absolutely nothing to do with politics and everything to do with valuing life.

[TravelingChris]

1 hour ago, prairiewindmomma said:

I have seen stillborn children listed by name. These children have burial plots.

I have seen references to “angels born to heaven” in reference to a woman’s own obituary and her own miscarriages.

I have seen things like this with stillborn children.  But these fetuses were not even 2nd term and I am sure they weren't buried because these were miscarriages and maybe even not miscarriages.  

 

1 hour ago, Katy said:

As far as I know it’s only been among right wing extremely religious people in the past few decades. I’ve seen it among women who started testing 10 days after a positive ovulation test, got one faint positive (possibly evaporation) line on a cheapie Chinese pregnancy test strip, never had another positive, her period wasn’t even late, and then cried about  her miscarriage for a couple years until a pregnancy stuck.

IME the obituary is more of a political declaration about life beginning before implantation than it is a real loss. Which isn’t to say that infertility isn’t terribly painful, all the more so when you’re in a fundamentalist quiver full type of denomination, especially those who are taught that following certain doctrines guarantees God’s blessing. 

Yes, these were very, very early pregnancies if at all.  She never even went to the ob-gyn-  I had late periods a lot cause they weren't regular-- I wasn't testing myself all the time whether I was pregnant so did I miscarry at a few days?  I don't think so but even if I had, that is not a time I would consider naming anyone--- I think you are right here about what is going on.  Yes, they are super-right wing (racist too).  SIL has told my dd that his cousin told him even before he married her (there is a very big age difference) that he is infertile- and I can't remember why but it may be STD or something.  Anyway-  she has also decided without any medical diagnosis or tests that she has PCOS too.  But they don't believe in most medical things too-like going to normal doctors even though his mother had to have a liver transplant ( due to a hereditary liver condition that the gm married to the gf who just died decided to keep secret so that her daughter wouldn't know to get checked regularly with her liver and if she had known, she probably would not have needed a liver transplant).  

And of course, infertility is awful but probably even harder for an uneducated woman who was taught that the only thing she should do with her life is take care of her husband and children.

[TravelingChris]

1 hour ago, sbgrace said:

I have seen miscarried babies listed in obituaries under the preceeded in death. In one of those cases there were no living children. In another, it  was a still birth situation. 

See if they are listed as predeceased, I understand.  But if miscarriages are listed as living, I don't.  And I really do not understand anyone who has had what they think is repeated miscarriages, listing fetuses as living survivors before 2nd term- and not because I am not pro-life.  I am.  But all the woman friends and acquaintances that I have known or know who have suffered multiple miscarriages tend to want to be private about new pregnancies until the riskiest time for miscarriages is done and that would be 2nd semester.  

It just reinforces my opinion of the girl, who was one of my dd\s bridesmaids as a not very smart but very drama oriented girl/woman (I think she was 18-and she got married too later  that year)/

[TravelingChris]

IN good news, dd made it through the 3 hours of visitation== where none of the woman would talk to her- including MIL (who she overheard Wed night urging DSIL to divorce DD and move back to MS, neither of which he wants to do).  But her FIL, one cousin (not the one I mentioned above) and one of dsil's uncles did talk to her and him and included her in the conversation.  

Of course, ,most everyone was staring at them like freaks with their masks since they were the only ones under 55 wearing them and at their attempts at social isolation.  DSIL less than a month ago had his gallbladder removed, had his boss die of COVID, and is high risk due to type 2 diabetes and obesity.  And of course, dd doesn't want to get it either.  

And this COVID is a hoax attitude is why they haven\t visited before this since COVID started.  As it is, we will not see them for 14 days after they come back.

[Dmmetler]

In my infant loss support group, one of the women who had the hardest time was one who had experienced several first trimester miscarriages. She felt guilty for grieving and her depression, because even more than those of us who had lost babies at or after birth, she got less support. We at least usually had a photo, footprints, a tiny lock of hair. Many of us had been able to have funerals. We had a grave to visit. We had the validation that our child was a person. She was denied that. 
 

I know how meaningful it was to me to have my son listed in his grandmother’s obituary. How much more would it be for someone where that was the only recognition they had gotten that their miscarriages were losses of children, not just a medical condition? 
 

By the way, as someone who has had personal experience with how risky pregnancy can be, I am reluctantly pro-choice. That doesn’t mean that I don’t recognize that a loss of a wanted child pre-birth is a major loss and is one you don’t just get over. 

[Dmmetler]

Oh, and the reason people are private about miscarriages and even later losses is that the reactions of others are what we’re seeing in this thread. They’re no big deal, so get over it, you can have other children, or adopt, or get a cat. I only found out about a lot of losses in my circle after I had experienced one myself.

[hippymamato3]

1 hour ago, BusyMom5 said:

I have scene still born, but not usually miscarriages listed in obituaries.  We have several family members that lost a baby at almost full-term or right after birth.  I cannot imagine equating a miscarriage with their loss.    

I've had neither a miscarriage nor a baby born still, but I am so tired of people trying to compare losses and determining that one person's is less. 

[TAFKAPastry]

I think grief is minimized enough that someone using an obit space to acknowledge a life and loss of another member of the family than just the deceased adult is far from the worst thing to normalize.

[Katy]

10 hours ago, MercyA said:

So. I have one child. I had one very early miscarriage. I felt sure I was pregnant before I took the test, having been pregnant before. I'd been tracking my temps as well and they, too, were indicative of pregnancy. I only ever had one faint positive. My period was not very late, if at all. But for someone who struggled with infertility for years, had only been able to have one child, and who was told after the miscarriage that we wouldn't be trying anymore, ever again, it was a very real loss, I assure you. 

I'd cry too if I got my hopes up, lost a tiny human being, and then went several more years before conceiving again. It's not for you to judge the emotions she felt over that.

For many pro-life people, their convictions have absolutely nothing to do with politics and everything to do with valuing life.

I’m sorry that happened to you. I definitely understand how painful that is. Three to six years ago I had many repeated first trimester losses, a lot of testing to figure out why, and the reason was never found. But a loss at 3 1/2- 4 weeks is not the same as a loss at 6 or 10 weeks.  

And I’m sure it’s nothing like a 3rd trimester or newborn loss. One of my close friends had a stillbirth and of course she named the baby and buried him and does something in his memory on his birthday every year. 

I worked in nursing on a gynecology floor at a hospital for several years. I had a doctor explain they diagnose chemical pregnancies as infertility because they can’t diagnose someone as pregnant until the baby has implanted.

While infertility is very painful, relying on questionable tests where the positive can’t be replicated with the same sample of urine... it’s not even a chemical pregnancy. It’s an evaporation line.  You can replicate that sort of “positive” by holding the strip in a man’s urine for too many seconds.  The test floods, the dye spreads further than it should, and then when it dries the dye can be seen in the positive portion of the test. It doesn’t mean they were pregnant. Even those tests won’t show as positive if you read them in the proper 3-5 minute window. The strips have to be completely dry for that to show up at all. 

[Amy Gen]

I’ve had 6 miscarriages. Some were earlier and some were later, but all were after seeing a heart beat, so clearly, not a chemical pregnancy, or an incorrectly read test. 
 

I’ve found that reacted differently and have grieved differently depending on the circumstances. Some broke me, and some I was able to get over more quickly. 
 

A kind of funny side note-When I was in the hospital, my nurse read my chart before introducing herself to me at the beginning of the shift. When she read that I’d had 6 miscarriages, she got so sad that she couldn’t read more at the moment. She was just so sad that I had never been able to have children, but I had apparently just kept trying. 
 

She laughed and laughed when one kid after another poured in to visit me. Then other kids who aren’t mine, but whom I try to mother started visiting. My nurse asked one of them where she fell in the birth order. She replied,”I’m the 6th child that she never wanted, but can’t seem to get rid of.” Anyone who knows me, knows I really did want that 6th child.