Why must people be so incivil? Venty-vent-vent.

[kbutton]

Just now, Not_a_Number said:

Yesssss. Yessssss. That's exactly it. They were not friendly or inviting. However, they were extremely polite. They were so polite that my Ukraine-bred, Toronto-raised, California-educated self couldn't possibly match it. But they also thought I was a ridiculously overfriendly weirdo. 

And hah, I know just what you mean about friendliness being interpreted as "being hit on." That was totally how DH's friendliness was interpreted our whole time in Minneapolis. He never got used to it. 

I have been here 20 years, and I am still not used to it. I go home and people wonder what’s wrong with me too. Humor is different as well. I am not quite myself in either place anymore except with a few select people. 

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, kbutton said:

I have been here 20 years, and I am still not used to it. I go home and people wonder what’s wrong with me too. Humor is different as well. I am not quite myself in either place anymore except with a few select people. 

DH has a high school friend who moved to Minneapolis because his wife was from there, and he also reports never fully getting used to it 😕 . 

How is the humor different? 

[kbutton]

1 minute ago, Not_a_Number said:

It was also apparently OK to talk at library meetups in Minneapolis. I had a (to me) bizarre experience of being ignored by two women with babies at a coffee shop, who then were perfectly lovely and friendly when we all came over to the same baby storytime. 

Ha! I can see that. And see them still being standoffish at the library if they were already friends. It can be cliquey here too.

[Not_a_Number]

2 minutes ago, kbutton said:

Ha! I can see that. And see them still being standoffish at the library if they were already friends. It can be cliquey here too.

I think they were already friends. And they weren't, like, super friendly. They were just no longer ignoring my tentative smiles, lol. 

Oh! That was another thing that was weird to me. I'm really used to people with babies just randomly smiling to each other when they pass each other on the street. I was obviously not supposed to do that in Minneapolis. People gave me really odd looks for smiles or waves. Or questions about baby's age if we were in the same place for any length of time (like memorably a shoe store.)

Edited February 6, 2021 by Not_a_Number

[cintinative]

3 hours ago, kbutton said:

You live in the same general region as me--do the people in line think it's odd when you chat them up? They do here. My parents come to visit, and they chat everyone up, which cracks me up. When I go home, I love it when people chat me up, but I am definitely not used to it anymore! 

It depends on the day. People are less friendly since COVID started.  It might be an introvert/extrovert thing? I try to encourage moms. 

I remember being on a ferry once and my friend from Dayton walked from car to car introducing herself and making small talk. That was tad too extroverted for me.  😃 She still talks to strangers all the time when we go out together (which hasn't happened since last winter. boo!) It's fun to be with her and interact with people. 

As for the cart thing, I get confused, especially now that stores have lane directional markers. If I park in the lane that is the direction in which I am facing, I block the other people who want to go that direction.  

[Guest]

Just a funny: my son and his gf were over tonight and I told them the story of the Walmart lady, and then ds had a funny story about “Meathead Gym Guy” who gave him hell about taking weights off a machine that he was “using,” though he was nowhere in sight when ds began. 

Then, moments later, when I was about to take the pizza out of the five hundred degree oven, I said to gf, whose back was near the oven door, “Watch yourself, hon!” And then I laughed because I realized this is just what I say. It’s what I say when someone is within a couple inches of potentially being hit by a shopping cart or oven door. 

🤷🏻‍♀️Oh well. 

[kbutton]

1 minute ago, Not_a_Number said:

DH has a high school friend who moved to Minneapolis because his wife was from there, and he also reports never fully getting used to it 😕 . 

How is the humor different? 

Sarcasm is not seen as a public service here. People are also kind of overly earnest sometimes, but in a way that is hard to describe. I was always seen back home as being overly earnest, but it’s a different variety.

 

[Not_a_Number]

27 minutes ago, kbutton said:

Sarcasm is not seen as a public service here. People are also kind of overly earnest sometimes, but in a way that is hard to describe. I was always seen back home as being overly earnest, but it’s a different variety.

Aw, man. Sarcasm is the best. 

(No, I'm not being sarcastic. I'm realizing this could be confusing 😛. ) 

[Kassia]

10 hours ago, kbutton said:

I think people in Ohio are generally pretty closed about public conversation. \

Sadly, I feel like Ohio is socializing friendly right out of me. 

\

I live in NE Ohio and haven't experienced this.  I would say most people I come across are very chatty.  I was just at Walmart the other day and came home and told DH that the lady in front of me in line was telling me all about her family and it was TMI for me.  I feel like I'm social and friendly, but sometimes it feels like others are too friendly/open when I'm out.  

Maybe it's a regional thing?  Because I find people overly friendly in our area.  It doesn't bother me at all, but my experience seems totally different than yours! 

Edited February 6, 2021 by Kassia

[Eos]

On 2/5/2021 at 7:10 PM, Quill said:

“Watch yourself, hon!” And then I laughed because I realized this is just what I say.

 

Edited February 6, 2023 by Eos

[Guest]

33 minutes ago, Harpymom said:

If you're ever in Maine and someone calls you "dear," be aware you've really just been mildly insulted.  If someone runs into me around the corner in a store I would say "sorry, dear" which basically means "fool, you just ran into me."  The protocol tends to be that older people can call younger people dear, but not the other way around, and if someone's being truly stupid, you just say "yes, dear."  Men can "dear" women as a subtle domination, and women use it on tourists.  It might be the Maine version of the Southern "bless your heart."

Good to know. I haven’t been to Maine in quite a few years but I do love the natural beauty. 

Maryland (particularly Baltimore and the Eastern Shore) is famous for calling people “hon.” I don’t use it much with strangers - some people use it very frequently for everyone - but I do say it sometimes with friends or family. It is usually not hostile, though. 

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, Harpymom said:

 It might be the Maine version of the Southern "bless your heart."

I didn't know about the Southern "bless your heart" until a few years ago.  My MIL (we're in OH) says it all the time, but she only says it when someone does something nice.  I had no idea about "dear" in Maine either.  I guess I would just go by tone of voice in those situations.  

Full disclosure - I am a mess in the grocery store as far as paying attention to where my cart and I are.  I don't think I back up without checking, but I am really bad about leaving my cart wherever I am to go look at something.  And I had absolutely no idea that I was supposed to follow traffic rules in the aisles until maybe ten years ago when a man was really rude to me about it.  

And I am the typical Midwestern who will apologize as if it were my fault if someone bumps or even slams into me.  This drives DH crazy, but it's always my first reaction.  And I always use "excuse me" if someone is in my way or about to back up into me.  I wouldn't think to use "watch out" or "watch yourself."  If someone said "watch yourself" to me, I would be polite, but I would take it as kind of aggressive and stew about it internally and probably complain about the person at home.  

 

[cintinative]

I have been thinking of what I say when someone is backing up. I think I would stop, and then if they kept backing up I would say "behind you!" and smile if they turned around.  And, who am I kidding, probably throw in an "I'm sorry. Didn't want you to get hurt" for good measure.

[SKL]

12 hours ago, kbutton said:

I think people in Ohio are generally pretty closed about public conversation. Even in places meant for socializing and connecting (small and large conferences for networking, church groups, gifted enrichment classes with parent networking) people are kind of closed. I am from PA, and DH is from CA. The talking to people in public thing is fine in PA and CA. I hear KY is better—just an hour south across the river.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to explain to people in the Midwest that they are not particularly inviting and friendly (but are polite), they don’t get it. Finally, a friend experienced a friendly drive by comment while on vacation. He was apparently flummoxed by the encounter (which he thought was some kind of weird person hitting on him weirdly) until he thought, “This is what button has told me about.” That’s really about the only time someone born and bred in Ohio has understood this concept when I’ve talked about it, lol. Meanwhile in PA, people are chatty but not terribly concerned about being polite. 

Sadly, I feel like Ohio is socializing friendly right out of me. 

Here, it’s outright suspicion with a dose of minor hostility.

I will say that I didn’t feel this way at work though in any of my jobs while living here. Apparently it’s okay to talk at work. My best job ever was with curious and interesting people who could always find something to talk about, and it was a mix of locals and transplants.

I'm born, bred, and lived my whole life in Ohio, and I don't really agree with this.

I'm in the "it's a dance" camp.  I am very introverted, but when the mood strikes me, I've struck up many many impromptu conversations with strangers.  It is rare to be rebuffed, and when that happens, I get the vibe that the person rebuffing me has some kind of mental health issue.

One part of the dance, though, is the smile.  It's a way of checking in whether or not the moment is right and the vibe is right.  For almost the past year, visible smiles have been banned in the kinds of situations we're talking about.  So that is probably skewing the sample for people who haven't always lived here.

[Scarlett]

14 minutes ago, SKL said:

I'm born, bred, and lived my whole life in Ohio, and I don't really agree with this.

I'm in the "it's a dance" camp.  I am very introverted, but when the mood strikes me, I've struck up many many impromptu conversations with strangers.  It is rare to be rebuffed, and when that happens, I get the vibe that the person rebuffing me has some kind of mental health issue.

One part of the dance, though, is the smile.  It's a way of checking in whether or not the moment is right and the vibe is right.  For almost the past year, visible smiles have been banned in the kinds of situations we're talking about.  So that is probably skewing the sample for people who haven't always lived here.

I was in the grocery store and a lady and I were both waiting for someone to move along....I turned and smiled at her......and then I turned back around and said to her, ‘ I am smiling at you’.  She laughed.  🙂

[Scarlett]

Personally I think it is all about tone.  I have used the phrase ‘Bless your/her heart’ my entire life.   Sometimes it is a mild insult and sometimes it is sincere sympathy.  
 

‘Watch Yourself’ standing on its own sounds aggressive to me but if it was from a stranger that I almost backed iinto in the grocery store and if it was said neutral or cheerily I doubt I would give it much thought.  
 

 

[Kassia]

33 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I was in the grocery store and a lady and I were both waiting for someone to move along....I turned and smiled at her......and then I turned back around and said to her, ‘ I am smiling at you’.  She laughed.  🙂

 

I just did a customer survey and one of the questions was asking if an employee smiled at me.  How would I know?  There was no way to skip the question either.  I thought that was funny.

 

[cbollin]

2 hours ago, Kassia said:

I didn't know about the Southern "bless your heart" until a few years ago.  My MIL (we're in OH) says it all the time, but she only says it when someone does something nice.

 

 

For those who dont' know.... Bless your heart has multiple meanings in the southern culture.  It's all contextual as Scarlett's post says.  I think this short video will help with the translation.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w4nRIw_ATJA

[happi duck]

"bless your heart " and "dear" when used as insults bugs me so much.  If you're going to be insulting then own it and don't hide behind some nice sounding secret code.

(I don't think people should be insulting but they especially shouldn't be insulting but cloaking it!)

[SKL]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

I was in the grocery store and a lady and I were both waiting for someone to move along....I turned and smiled at her......and then I turned back around and said to her, ‘ I am smiling at you’.  She laughed.  🙂

I often say "I'm smiling" in masked interactions.  Just trying to keep things human until we can see smiles again.

[SKL]

3 hours ago, Kassia said:

I didn't know about the Southern "bless your heart" until a few years ago.  My MIL (we're in OH) says it all the time, but she only says it when someone does something nice.  I had no idea about "dear" in Maine either.  I guess I would just go by tone of voice in those situations.  

My grandma (who lived in Ohio since immigrating at age 4) often said "bless your/his/her heart," referring to a small child or special needs person in an affectionate way.  I didn't learn the snarky meaning until well into adulthood.

[SKL]

Speaking of grocery cart etiquette -

When I used to shop with a cart, I would normally leave the cart at the top or bottom of the aisle while walking up and down to grab what I needed.  It's a lot faster that way - you can weave in and out of the other people and their carts.  Also, you never have to worry what to do when your own cart is the problem.  Of course, you have to be pretty quick, or your cart at the end of the aisle will tick someone off eventually.

[Kassia]

59 minutes ago, SKL said:

My grandma (who lived in Ohio since immigrating at age 4) often said "bless your/his/her heart," referring to a small child or special needs person in an affectionate way.  I didn't learn the snarky meaning until well into adulthood.

 

My MIL does that too!  She's plenty snarky, but always uses that phrase in a positive way.  

[LaughingCat]

What about people with only 2 or 3 items that ASK to go in front of you?  That is so rude IMO 

Although I usually let them go anyway LOL -- except one time it happened to me, I had a cart just to strap the then toddler in, but also only had 2 items so that time I was able to say "No" without feeling rude about it (gave her a 'look' even because obviously she hadn't even bothered to  look at my cart to see how much I had)

[cbollin]

2 hours ago, Seasider too said:

Bless your heart can go either way, snarky or sincere. It’s all in the delivery and who says it to whom under what circumstances. I think it’s one of those phrases that got used in a movie in a sassy way at some point, then picked up   by popular culture as an always snarky thing. I remember several of my aunts and dear grandmother saying this with love and concern. 
 

eta thank you @cbollin, I posted before seeing your reply above. 

It's all good.

besides, I wanted the excuse to post the other "bless your heart" video. LOL.   It's such a southern life comedy channel. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FQOorA2EeS0

have to pause it and read the screen a few times. LOL.

 

[kbutton]

3 hours ago, SKL said:

I'm born, bred, and lived my whole life in Ohio, and I don't really agree with this.

I'm in the "it's a dance" camp.  I am very introverted, but when the mood strikes me, I've struck up many many impromptu conversations with strangers.  It is rare to be rebuffed, and when that happens, I get the vibe that the person rebuffing me has some kind of mental health issue.

One part of the dance, though, is the smile.  It's a way of checking in whether or not the moment is right and the vibe is right.  For almost the past year, visible smiles have been banned in the kinds of situations we're talking about.  So that is probably skewing the sample for people who haven't always lived here.

Not being rebuffed does not equal being engaged in conversation or a chat. It does feel mysterious/cold to people not from here. There are exceptions also.

I'm not judging by masking--I've been here for more than 20 years. I have a much harder time gauging social responsiveness when people wear sunglasses than I do when they wear masks, though I haven't been out much since SW Ohio's covid numbers blew up this fall.

I do suspect there are parts of Ohio that are a bit different. A friend of mine is from a different part of Ohio, and she's more open to strangers (and an introvert), but she also lives and dies by networking due to her occupation.

[Scarlett]

4 hours ago, happi duck said:

"bless your heart " and "dear" when used as insults bugs me so much.  If you're going to be insulting then own it and don't hide behind some nice sounding secret code.

(I don't think people should be insulting but they especially shouldn't be insulting but cloaking it!)

Oh I am nit cloaking it.  If I say Bless your heart as an insult it is obvious.  Not that I say that to people.  But I might say it about someone in a conversation with someone else. 

[hippymamato3]

1 hour ago, kbutton said:

 

I'm not judging by masking--I've been here for more than 20 years. I have a much harder time gauging social responsiveness when people wear sunglasses than I do when they wear masks, though I haven't been out much since SW Ohio's covid numbers blew up this fall.

 

I don't know if this is a quirk or what, but I cannot tell who a person is if they have sunglasses on. And if I am introduced to someone wearing sunglasses, I will not know who they are if I later see them without them. Maybe everyone is like that?

[prairiewindmomma]

28 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Oh I am nit cloaking it.  If I say Bless your heart as an insult it is obvious.  Not that I say that to people.  But I might say it about someone in a conversation with someone else. 

Oh, when I lived in TX it was all about the dual entendre “bless your heart”. Those bleach haired blondes with diamond stud earrings sharpened their tongues and faux fingernails into knives. Vicious.

[fairfarmhand]

18 hours ago, Not_a_Number said:

I think they were already friends. And they weren't, like, super friendly. They were just no longer ignoring my tentative smiles, lol. 

Oh! That was another thing that was weird to me. I'm really used to people with babies just randomly smiling to each other when they pass each other on the street. I was obviously not supposed to do that in Minneapolis. People gave me really odd looks for smiles or waves. Or questions about baby's age if we were in the same place for any length of time (like memorably a shoe store.)

(I'm from the South, middle TN to be more specific)

It's very common for people to entertain other folks' toddlers and babies in check out lines here. Not touching the baby, but saying hi and playing peekaboo or that kind of thing. I don't know what I'd do if someone looked askance at me talking to their little kids while they were paying for their groceries. I loved it when my kids were small because by the time we hit the checkout my kids patience for shopping was wearing thin.

[Kassia]

9 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

 

It's very common for people to entertain other folks' toddlers and babies in check out lines here. Not touching the baby, but saying hi and playing peekaboo or that kind of thing. I don't know what I'd do if someone looked askance at me talking to their little kids while they were paying for their groceries. I loved it when my kids were small because by the time we hit the checkout my kids patience for shopping was wearing thin.

I'll do that, too (grew up in FL) and my dad always did that (from NY),but he absolutely loved little kids.  

We have a large Amish community in our area.  Even though people are usually very friendly here, I haven't experienced that with the Amish - not that they are rude in any way, but they definitely seem to want to keep to themselves.  

 

[catz]

I live in the Minneapolis area.  I'd say people can be hot/cold and it depends on neighborhood/city, setting, time of day, SEASON, etc.  Like morning shopping with a young kid at a local chain was always a super friendly zen  chatty laid back affair.  Shopping after 6 pm?  Keep your cart pointed straight and your nose in your own business.  Urban park random families congregating?  Welcome newcomers!  Suburban moms group park meeting with outsider mom showing up?  Don't bother.  Out for a walk in the spring?  Better plan for an extra 30 minutes to chat with neighbors.  Walking dead of winter?  Just stay out of people's way.  We chose the neighborhood we live in by feel. I always recommend people rent before buying here if they are moving in from another state to get the feel of different areas. Well, that and commuting is usually worse than people think it will be here.   I love living urban-ish here.  I've lived in a few different suburbs, haven't really been a fan of any of those.  But honestly, are people uniformly welcoming and friendly 24-7-365 anywhere?  I've travelled to most states and internationally and if that place exists, I haven't been there.  

[Scarlett]

41 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Oh, when I lived in TX it was all about the dual entendre “bless your heart”. Those bleach haired blondes with diamond stud earrings sharpened their tongues and faux fingernails into knives. Vicious.

Well that in no way describes what I am talking about. I know there are really mean people out there. But that is out the kind of mild negative I am talking about. 

[Tanaqui]

3 hours ago, LaughingCat said:

What about people with only 2 or 3 items that ASK to go in front of you?  That is so rude IMO 

Although I usually let them go anyway LOL -- except one time it happened to me, I had a cart just to strap the then toddler in, but also only had 2 items so that time I was able to say "No" without feeling rude about it (gave her a 'look' even because obviously she hadn't even bothered to  look at my cart to see how much I had)

There's nothing rude about asking for help.

There's also nothing rude about saying no.

If somebody asks, and you don't want to - say no!

[mom2scouts]

19 hours ago, kbutton said:

I think people in Ohio are generally pretty closed about public conversation. Even in places meant for socializing and connecting (small and large conferences for networking, church groups, gifted enrichment classes with parent networking) people are kind of closed. I am from PA, and DH is from CA. The talking to people in public thing is fine in PA and CA. I hear KY is better—just an hour south across the river.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to explain to people in the Midwest that they are not particularly inviting and friendly (but are polite), they don’t get it. Finally, a friend experienced a friendly drive by comment while on vacation. He was apparently flummoxed by the encounter (which he thought was some kind of weird person hitting on him weirdly) until he thought, “This is what button has told me about.” That’s really about the only time someone born and bred in Ohio has understood this concept when I’ve talked about it, lol. Meanwhile in PA, people are chatty but not terribly concerned about being polite. 

Sadly, I feel like Ohio is socializing friendly right out of me. 

Here, it’s outright suspicion with a dose of minor hostility.

I will say that I didn’t feel this way at work though in any of my jobs while living here. Apparently it’s okay to talk at work. My best job ever was with curious and interesting people who could always find something to talk about, and it was a mix of locals and transplants.

I don't know where you live in Ohio, but I don't see this at all in my part of the state. I've lived in Ohio my entire life and I think it's very common for people to chat with strangers. My dh is an extrovert and he took over the grocery shopping because he can go and talk to all the people he meets in the aisles and check out lines! A new park opened in our area in the fall and dh and I went for a hike and had at least seven chatty encounters on our 1.5 mile walk. I think people are less friendly and chatty than they were years ago, but I'm still surprised if I go out and don't have a chat with a stranger.

[kiwik]

On 2/5/2021 at 12:02 PM, Quill said:

I swung by the Walmart tonight to pick something up for my son for a school project. As I was pushing my cart straight (so, I had the “right of way”, if there is such a thing for grocery carts), a woman was backing away from an aisle display and was about to run into my cart. I said in a cheerful voice, “Oop! Watch yourself!” She turns and glares at me and says, “Watch myself?! How ‘bout, ‘Excuse me!’” 

Like...wtf, lady? 

As I was moving away from her, she kept harping on that to her companions, “Watch myself? People are so rude!” And so on. I wanted to yell, “You’re the rude one, jerk!” 

Believe it or not, a few aisles later, I could still hear her bitching the next aisle over and, lo and behold, she turned the corner into my aisle and was impeded from moving forward by the support beam. Lol! So, I was passing her on the right and she couldn’t move forward because of architecture! Heh. I stared at her as I walked ever so slowly past. I was tempted to just park my cart and lazily pick out dill pickles, feigning oblivion. 

Stuff like this just really gets me. I mean, I am friendly and nice to people all the time. What is her freakin problem? 🤷🏻‍♀️

So much is area specific.  I would not have reacted as she did but I would have thought you rude.  There is no right of way in supermarkets and it is up to those who see a potential problem to take evasive action.

[kiwik]

On 2/5/2021 at 12:49 PM, regentrude said:

The bitching was rude, but "watch yourself" does not exactly have polite connotations. "Watch out" would have been better. I would probably actually have said "excuse me", even if I didn't need an excuse

I would only use watch out if she was about to crash into me or something and I couldn't prevent it myself.  Like yelling 'watch out" to someone about to step in front of a car.  Otherwise it implies blame in a way.  But I think the lady was also have a bad day.

[kbutton]

3 hours ago, hippymamato3 said:

I don't know if this is a quirk or what, but I cannot tell who a person is if they have sunglasses on. And if I am introduced to someone wearing sunglasses, I will not know who they are if I later see them without them. Maybe everyone is like that?

I haven't heard other people say they have a problem with sunglasses, but it could be. I have mostly had this conversation during covid because I was tired of people saying they couldn't recognize anyone with a mask on. I don't have that issue usually, but if you have sunglasses on, you might as well have a bag over your head, lol! It's a little different if I can place the voice, or if I've seen three dozen vacation pics on FB first where the person has their sunglasses on. 

1 hour ago, mom2scouts said:

I don't know where you live in Ohio, but I don't see this at all in my part of the state. I've lived in Ohio my entire life and I think it's very common for people to chat with strangers. My dh is an extrovert and he took over the grocery shopping because he can go and talk to all the people he meets in the aisles and check out lines! A new park opened in our area in the fall and dh and I went for a hike and had at least seven chatty encounters on our 1.5 mile walk. I think people are less friendly and chatty than they were years ago, but I'm still surprised if I go out and don't have a chat with a stranger.

That is remarkable. It could be my area--SW Ohio. I do know one of the local towns is kind of known to be a bubble, but I've noticed reticence to be friendly in lots of places where mingling is strongly encouraged. 

[hippymamato3]

11 minutes ago, kbutton said:

I haven't heard other people say they have a problem with sunglasses, but it could be. I have mostly had this conversation during covid because I was tired of people saying they couldn't recognize anyone with a mask on. I don't have that issue usually, but if you have sunglasses on, you might as well have a bag over your head, lol! It's a little different if I can place the voice, or if I've seen three dozen vacation pics on FB first where the person has their sunglasses on. 

 

I don't have any issues with masks, but if I can't see your eyes, you are a stranger. So weird. 

[SKL]

Re sunglasses - I don't see them much around here.  I never wear them, nor do my kids.  I am not sure whether or not I recognize people in sunglasses.  😛  Lord knows I have enough trouble remembering faces without any coverings.

But I would agree that sunglasses would also make it hard to tell whether a stranger is open to chatting or not.

[LaughingCat]

2 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

There's nothing rude about asking for help.

There's also nothing rude about saying no.

If somebody asks, and you don't want to - say no!

Interestingly, your point reminded me that it has not bothered me when the person asked in a manner that was asking for help, like "I'm sorry but I'm in a big rush and I only have 2 items, can I jump in front of you?"     

Unfortunately that has been the rare case.  Most times it has been "I only have 2 items, can I jump in front of you?"  said in a manner that said "It's my right to jump in front of you because I only have 2 items"    The one time I described above where I myself only had 2 items in my cart, the person even started to step in front of me as she asked ( before I said "No")    Maybe I just look like an easy mark to shorten their wait LOL  but I have MANY times stood behind people with very full carts with my 2 items and would never think to ask to jump in front of them since their time is just as valuable as my time. 

[Not_a_Number]

3 hours ago, FuzzyCatz said:

I live in the Minneapolis area.  I'd say people can be hot/cold and it depends on neighborhood/city, setting, time of day, SEASON, etc.  Like morning shopping with a young kid at a local chain was always a super friendly zen  chatty laid back affair.  Shopping after 6 pm?  Keep your cart pointed straight and your nose in your own business.  Urban park random families congregating?  Welcome newcomers!  Suburban moms group park meeting with outsider mom showing up?  Don't bother.  Out for a walk in the spring?  Better plan for an extra 30 minutes to chat with neighbors.  Walking dead of winter?  Just stay out of people's way. 

It's possible I simply couldn't read the signals due to lack of practice, but I found people pretty uniformly uninterested in talking to me in public. Except for the time I went to the library storytime. But basically all interactions at playgrounds or play spaces or while walking or in stores felt pretty off-limits. Or if they weren't off-limits, they were supposed to stay within very narrow constraints. Like, clerks at checkouts would make very specifically prescribed small talk, but they'd be nonplussed if you strayed from the usual subjects. 

 

3 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

(I'm from the South, middle TN to be more specific)

It's very common for people to entertain other folks' toddlers and babies in check out lines here. Not touching the baby, but saying hi and playing peekaboo or that kind of thing. I don't know what I'd do if someone looked askance at me talking to their little kids while they were paying for their groceries. I loved it when my kids were small because by the time we hit the checkout my kids patience for shopping was wearing thin.

Yeah, I'm not from anywhere quite that friendly, but that scans as normal to me, too. And I also tend to think of other moms with kids as people I'd naturally chat up... but I really have no idea how many times I asked the question "How old is he/she?" in Minneapolis and got an answer back but no question about my child, effectively shutting down the conversation. 

I'm not even that sociable, lol. I'm definitely an introvert. But I'm used to people chatting at kid-centric stuff and generically being friendly about little kids! 

[SKL]

About letting people with a few items go first at the checkout line:  I don't recall ever being asked, but I have taken the initiative to invite people to go ahead of me many times.  (And I have also been invited sometimes.)

Unless I was in an extreme hurry, I would much rather wait for someone else's few items than make them wait for my many to be rung up.

Edited February 7, 2021 by SKL

[mom2scouts]

1 hour ago, SKL said:

Re sunglasses - I don't see them much around here.  I never wear them, nor do my kids.  I am not sure whether or not I recognize people in sunglasses.  😛  Lord knows I have enough trouble remembering faces without any coverings.

But I would agree that sunglasses would also make it hard to tell whether a stranger is open to chatting or not.

I would probably have more trouble recognizing new people who had any part of their face covered (masks, sunglasses). Like SKL, we don't see sunglasses much around here. It's not like we see the sun often enough to need them.😄

[teachermom2834]

2 minutes ago, SKL said:

About letting people with a few items go first at the checkout line:  I don't recall ever being asked, but I have taken the initiative to invite people to go ahead of me many times.  (And I have also been invited sometimes.)

Unless I was in an extreme hurry, I would much rather wait for someone else's few items than make them wait for my many to be rung up.

In the years I was shopping for a household of six I would get to the checkout and always let people with a couple items go ahead of me. I was never in that big of a hurry. But then I started shopping at Aldi and they don't have an express line. So I'd be standing there with an overflowing cart and people with a loaf of bread and a carton of eggs behind me. I got to where I would let two people go and then tell the next person "I'm sorry but I do have to checkout sometime." I hated that. People would get annoyed when they would see my big cart but I would be there all day letting people go ahead. And the checkout at Aldi always moved so fast it shouldn't have been a big deal. But I hated that whole interaction everytime and now I only do curbside. People with big families do eventually have to check out! LOL

[Scarlett]

58 minutes ago, LaughingCat said:

Interestingly, your point reminded me that it has not bothered me when the person asked in a manner that was asking for help, like "I'm sorry but I'm in a big rush and I only have 2 items, can I jump in front of you?"     

Unfortunately that has been the rare case.  Most times it has been "I only have 2 items, can I jump in front of you?"  said in a manner that said "It's my right to jump in front of you because I only have 2 items"    The one time I described above where I myself only had 2 items in my cart, the person even started to step in front of me as she asked ( before I said "No")    Maybe I just look like an easy mark to shorten their wait LOL  but I have MANY times stood behind people with very full carts with my 2 items and would never think to ask to jump in front of them since their time is just as valuable as my time. 

I sometimes offer.  I would never dream to ask to ask to go ahead.  And who asks that of a mom of a toddler?  That is just clueless IMO.  

[catz]

35 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

It's possible I simply couldn't read the signals due to lack of practice, but I found people pretty uniformly uninterested in talking to me in public. Except for the time I went to the library storytime. But basically all interactions at playgrounds or play spaces or while walking or in stores felt pretty off-limits. Or if they weren't off-limits, they were supposed to stay within very narrow constraints. Like, clerks at checkouts would make very specifically prescribed small talk, but they'd be nonplussed if you strayed from the usual subjects. 

Interesting.  I had people oggle at my babies in super markets all the time.  I used to engage anyone who looked at us when my kids were little.  LOL. Now with teens, I'm usually 10 minutes late to everything, am trying to track 20 things and I don't chat so much.  Different season - I'm looking forward to a hopefully more relaxed post teen lifestyle.  I was raised with a midwestern dad that you had to add 30 minutes on every outing, he would chat with anyone and everyone whether he knew themor not.  My brother is very similar.  I made lasting mom friendships through various baby/toddler groups, we have a busy homeschool community with lots of outings.  I do think you have to be willing to be proactive.  But there are extroverts and introverts here like most other places I've visited.  🤷‍♀️

[Kassia]

27 minutes ago, mom2scouts said:

I would probably have more trouble recognizing new people who had any part of their face covered (masks, sunglasses). Like SKL, we don't see sunglasses much around here. It's not like we see the sun often enough to need them.😄

My dentist once told me that people don't recognize her when she's out because she's not wearing her mask and goggles (this was before covid).  She said kids were especially funny about not knowing who she was until she covered up the bottom part of her face and they recognized her by her eyes. 
 

@mom2scoutswe live near each other and this seems like it's been the gloomiest winter with the lack of sunshine!  It gets to me sometimes.  

[Not_a_Number]

46 minutes ago, FuzzyCatz said:

Interesting.  I had people oggle at my babies in super markets all the time.  I used to engage anyone who looked at us when my kids were little.  LOL. Now with teens, I'm usually 10 minutes late to everything, am trying to track 20 things and I don't chat so much.  Different season - I'm looking forward to a hopefully more relaxed post teen lifestyle.  I was raised with a midwestern dad that you had to add 30 minutes on every outing, he would chat with anyone and everyone whether he knew themor not.  My brother is very similar.  I made lasting mom friendships through various baby/toddler groups, we have a busy homeschool community with lots of outings.  I do think you have to be willing to be proactive.  But there are extroverts and introverts here like most other places I've visited.  🤷‍♀️

I have no clue. Really. But it happened often enough that it definitely wasn't a coincidence. 

I was obviously scanning as "off" in some way, but I have no idea in what way. 

[Guest]

2 hours ago, kiwik said:

I would only use watch out if she was about to crash into me or something and I couldn't prevent it myself.  Like yelling 'watch out" to someone about to step in front of a car.  Otherwise it implies blame in a way.  But I think the lady was also have a bad day.

Well, but she was about to crash into me. Had she stepped back one more step, her butt would have connected with the front corner of my cart. The only way I could have  eliminated the possibility would be if I had also backed up.