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My beautiful new daughter in law has a very nice name


lynn
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However she wants to change to a completely different first name unique phonetically since she's changing her last name.   Trying to understand this??  Is this a 20something thing to do?

Edited by lynn
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It may be something she’s wanted to do for a long time and she’s taking advantage of the fact that changing your name when you get married is relatively easy. It will be good for your relationship if you unhesitatingly use the name she prefers and try not to make this into a “kids these days” thing in your head.
 

 

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My name is pretty common for my age group. There are a variety of acceptable spellings. So, I get the desire to be unique because it is no fun to be known as first name last initial in groups where there are several others with the same first name. 

So, her name will still be pronounced the same way? I'd write down the new spelling so it was easily accessible so I'd get it right every time. Things like spelling the name correctly mean a lot.  

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I’m never a fan of spellings that are unusual just for the sake of being “difrant”. That said, I agree with the other posters; it’s better not to make this a sigh-worthy issue. Your dil will presumably be The Keeper of the Keys for grandchildren. That’s an a$$ worth kissing in my calculus, lol. 

In the future, she may see it as a mistake and change it back. 

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My sister changed the spelling of her first name, and she just did not like the spelling ever.  

Maybe not quite the same thing..... my understanding is that her original birth certificate name was Cynthia but my mom spelled her name (that she always, always used) as Cindy.  My sister changed her name to Cyndi.  

We have had a surprising amount of low drama because my Dad is a Junior, who has always gone by a nickname that is not in anyway related to any name of his birth certificate.

He has used his nickname on a variety of documents and then his official documents have a different name.

Even as a man in his 60s he has had times that people think he might be trying to use his father's name (because he is a Junior who usually uses a different name -- it can come across like he is JUST trying to do stuff using his father's name).

I am all in favor of making a name official if that is the actual name and spelling you want, and I think that is what happened with my sister -- she has seen it be a hassle for my Dad.

I think for a younger person this wouldn't happen the same way -- you would just HAVE to use your birth certificate name and not be allowed to open, say, a bank account with a nickname or have a credit card with a nickname.  But my Dad doesn't want to use a name that he has never been called in his life!  

For my sister -- she does just hate the spelling of Cindy with that spelling.  She loves Cyndi.  I think that the spelling she loves is the one that is not common and probably the strange phonetic spelling.  But she has a very strong preference.  

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For my sister -- I can't imagine why anyone would care.  

Her husband (my BIL) used to be called a nickname based on his middle name -- his middle name is Randall and he used to be called Randy.  He decided sometime after they got married (maybe 2-3 years) that he wanted to be called William (his first name).  

It took a little time to get used to -- but it's his name.  He should be called what he wants to be called.  William does suit him!  

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My daughter is currently using her full first name and is old enough I don't think she is going to use a nickname again.

But when she was younger I let her pick the spelling of her nickname that she wanted.  She chose Elly because she liked how it looked in cursive.  It's not what I would have chosen -- but hey, whatever.  

My MIL mentioned several times she should spell it Ellie.  

Well -- I would also choose Ellie!  I prefer it.

But I think it's my daughter's choice and she should be the one to decide how she wants her name to be spelled.  

It's a non-issue now since she is using her full first name and is happy with the spelling.  (Edit:  I agree with others -- I always thought maybe she would want a different spelling when she got older -- or go by her full name when she got older.)  

But I could not defend my MIL seeming to care so much about it.  It's just very nosy and judgmental and doesn't do anything to make me want to get along with my MIL.  

I do agree in principle with always using the most common spelling of names, and it is what I would do for myself.  

But it's just not a big deal.  

Edited by Lecka
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41 minutes ago, Bambam said:

My name is pretty common for my age group. There are a variety of acceptable spellings. So, I get the desire to be unique because it is no fun to be known as first name last initial in groups where there are several others with the same first name. 

So, her name will still be pronounced the same way? I'd write down the new spelling so it was easily accessible so I'd get it right every time. Things like spelling the name correctly mean a lot.  

I wasn't clear in my post.  she wants not to use her given name at all and use a new name that us unique.

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23 minutes ago, Lecka said:

My daughter is currently using her full first name and is old enough I don't think she is going to use a nickname again.

But when she was younger I let her pick the spelling of her nickname that she wanted.  She chose Elly because she liked how it looked in cursive.  It's not what I would have chosen -- but hey, whatever.  

My MIL mentioned several times she should spell it Ellie.  

Well -- I would also choose Ellie!  I prefer it.

But I think it's my daughter's choice and she should be the one to decide how she wants her name to be spelled.  

It's a non-issue now since she is using her full first name and is happy with the spelling.  (Edit:  I agree with others -- I always thought maybe she would want a different spelling when she got older -- or go by her full name when she got older.)  

But I could not defend my MIL seeming to care so much about it.  It's just very nosy and judgmental and doesn't do anything to make me want to get along with my MIL.  

I do agree in principle with always using the most common spelling of names, and it is what I would do for myself.  

But it's just not a big deal. 

She wants to so away with her given name to thus new unique name, not just change the spelling

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3 minutes ago, lynn said:

I wasn't clear in my post.  she wants not to use her given name at all and use a new name that us unique.

Maybe she has always disliked her name? I know there were a few names I ****NEVER**** ***EVER*** would have considered naming my kids because I met some nasty unpleasant people with those names. I'd be okay with it if one of my kids married someone with a name that has that sort of past history for me, but it would take some time to get used to it. 

May her name change not cause her too many headaches as she gets it all straightened out. 

 

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35 minutes ago, Quill said:

I’m never a fan of spellings that are unusual just for the sake of being “difrant”. That said, I agree with the other posters; it’s better not to make this a sigh-worthy issue. Your dil will presumably be The Keeper of the Keys for grandchildren. That’s an a$$ worth kissing in my calculus, lol. 

In the future, she may see it as a mistake and change it back. 

She wants to have a completely different first name, not just change the spelling of her given name.  We are good with trying to remember to call her by her name.   Lets just say her name was Morgan she now wants to got by Xephried.  That kind of different.   

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1 minute ago, Bambam said:

Maybe she has always disliked her name? I know there were a few names I ****NEVER**** ***EVER*** would have considered naming my kids because I met some nasty unpleasant people with those names. I'd be okay with it if one of my kids married someone with a name that has that sort of past history for me, but it would take some time to get used to it. 

May her name change not cause her too many headaches as she gets it all straightened out. 

 

It won't.  Just caught is off guard.  It was changed on her IM and we thought maybe it was cultural or her birth name.  Its all good , just a slight learning curve from what we've known for 2 years.

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2 minutes ago, lynn said:

It won't.  Just caught is off guard.  It was changed on her IM and we thought maybe it was cultural or her birth name.  Its all good , just a slight learning curve from what we've known for 2 years.

Good luck remembering to use the new name! I'm pretty sure I would struggle. 

 

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31 minutes ago, lynn said:

It won't.  Just caught is off guard.  It was changed on her IM and we thought maybe it was cultural or her birth name.  Its all good , just a slight learning curve from what we've known for 2 years.

So she’s already been known by other names in her lifetime as well? I am glad she is claiming a name she enjoys. If she has been adopted, especially cross-culturally, it sounds like she is working on her identity. Marriage is a huge shift, and it makes sense that if you are already having to change your documentation to do it all at once.

 

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It doesn’t really matter if it’s “a 20something thing to do” in general, what matters is that it’s what your 20something DIL is doing. 😊 

Try not to judge or spend too much time deciphering her motives because her name change isn’t your decision and ultimately doesn’t affect you. If you’re having trouble calling her what she wishes to be called, I have two suggestions:

1) think of her “new” name as a term of endearment and use it that way until it becomes natural or

2) think of it as a role she is playing until it becomes more natural for you to say. For example, when you watch a movie with a famous actress you know it’s, say, Cate Blanchett playing the role of Galadriel, but you don’t spend the whole moving telling yourself it’s really Cate Blanchett - you relate to the character she is playing. 
(I’m certainly not saying your DIL is playing a role, I’m merely suggesting this as a way to make it easier for you to accept/remember to say her name.)

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I wish I had known I could have changed my first name when I got married and took my husbands last name.

I have always disliked my given name and instead have used a nickname my entire adult life. It’s a *constant* headache for me, but changing it now is just too daunting. Good for her for doing while she’s young and has less to sort out.

It's definitely not a “20something” thing to do. 😂 

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1 hour ago, Thatboyofmine said:

As long as it's not "Princess Consuela Banana Hammock" I wouldn't worry too much about it.    

I would actually enjoy saying that!! Off to suggest that DC look for partners with this name. 🤔 I wonder if there is a place in Tinder where one can search names... 

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I think this is the place to come to vent or say “really?” — which I totally understand.  Bc it’s probably very personal in some way — I think don’t take any chances on your DIL hearing you have some skepticism.

She may be worried about that anyway and then you may have to go out of your way to not come across like you think it’s an odd choice.

 

 

Edited by Lecka
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3 hours ago, kand said:

It’s actually quite common in my world recently. I know four families whose teens have changed names in the past year, and one of my dd’s has a lot of online friends who have changed their names. I think it’s a bit contagious in certain circles online, but that sounds different than for OP’s dil. As said though, you go with it and do your best to catch and correct yourself if/when you get it wrong. Hopefully she’s gracious about that. 

Sorry, I meant the desire isn’t *unique* to that age group. I’m 48 and wish I had done it when I had the opportunity. Lol. 
 

I do think many things are easier for this age group though. There’s more language to give certain needs/ truths validity that we simply didn’t have. So I’m not surprised name changes are more prevalent now. (Though I am surprised women are still taking their husbands last name. That’s not something I would have done had I fully understood I had a choice and is definitely not something I would expect for modern women. But that’s an entirely different topic I’m sure!)

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My mother changed her name when she got married the second time. She had to file a name change anyway so she decided to change it to the name she was most known by and had been for most of her life. If you go by one name in some contexts and it's not your legal name, it can cause all kinds of headaches. She used the occasion of the marriage to take care of it for good. The name she uses is definitely a bit more unusual than her very common traditional given name.

With the added information that she was apparently adopted and there may have been a cross cultural adoption, this makes a ton of sense to me so if you're trying to understand, it sounds like you may have your answer.

In any case, I'm with others that it doesn't matter what you think. Basic respect is that you call a person by the name they choose, especially if you want to have a relationship with them.

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"Sally, or rather Sarah (for what young woman of common gentility will reach the age of sixteen without altering her name as far as she can?), must from situation at this time be the intimate friend and confidante of her sister." Northanger Abbey, Jane Austen

I am always glad for the chance to post this quote, which shows young ladies changing their names is a very long tradition. Sally changed it to Sarah and not Xephried, true, but it was, after all, 1798 or so. 

 

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30 minutes ago, katilac said:

"Sally, or rather Sarah (for what young woman of common gentility will reach the age of sixteen without altering her name as far as she can?), must from situation at this time be the intimate friend and confidante of her sister." Northanger Abbey, Jane Austen

I am always glad for the chance to post this quote, which shows young ladies changing their names is a very long tradition. Sally changed it to Sarah and not Xephried, true, but it was, after all, 1798 or so. 

 

Sally is a diminutive of Sarah, though.

To the OP - I would find it a bit odd, but I'd keep that to myself and call her by the name she's chosen.

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1 hour ago, purpleowl said:

Sally is a diminutive of Sarah, though.

Which never made sense to me, but, more importantly: when a literary quote from 1789 is cleverly applied to a 2021 social media thread, one should just appreciate the beauty of it. 

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29 minutes ago, katilac said:

Which never made sense to me, but, more importantly: when a literary quote from 1789 is cleverly applied to a 2021 social media thread, one should just appreciate the beauty of it. 

I loved it. It put my mind at ease. And here I was, suspecting the daughter-in-law may be some sort of Bunburyist...

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We have a young adult friend that changed her first name in college. It is hard to get used to.

11 hours ago, lynn said:

It won't.  Just caught is off guard.  It was changed on her IM and we thought maybe it was cultural or her birth name.  Its all good , just a slight learning curve from what we've known for 2 years.

 

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15 hours ago, lynn said:

However she wants to change to a completely different first name unique phonetically since she's changing her last name.  Trying to understand this??  Is this a 20something thing to do?

What is there to understand?

Unlike you, she doesn't think her first name is "very nice", or anyway, she doesn't think it's nice for her.

Whatever the reason, if you suggest to her that you think she's doing it because it's a trend or because she's immature - which is absolutely the way she'd understand "is this a 20something thing to do?" - then you will be unnecessarily putting a wedge between her and you over something that really has nothing to do with you at all.

I'd advise her parents to smile and say nothing at her name change, and that goes double for everybody who isn't her parent.

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