They don’t believe Grandpa died

[Janeway]

They have not seen Grandpa in 10 months due to the lockdown. He was fine before that. They did not get to visit him when he was dying. And now, we are being told that the casket needs to be closed casket and the funeral needs to be very small because of Covid. so my 5 and 9 yr old have come up with theories. Five year old is the one more in denial. Any suggestions?

[vonfirmath]

Can funeral be zoomed so they can be part of it?

 

[Melissa Louise]

Time. 

Someone close to me died in December. I was there. I watched it happen. I still don't believe it happened!  A five year old may not fully understand death yet in any case, and Covid etc complicates things further. 

There are some nice children's books out there dealing with the topic, which can help children understand death.

It may be too much/distant to process all at once for them. The wild stories might be part of that ( You could just respond with a variation on 'Its nice to imagine that Grandpa is still alive. It's really sad that he died.)

But the reality of what Grandpa's death means - his permanent absence - will settle in over time. 

Sorry for your loss. 

 

 

 

[prairiewindmomma]

1 hour ago, Janeway said:

They have not seen Grandpa in 10 months due to the lockdown. He was fine before that. They did not get to visit him when he was dying. And now, we are being told that the casket needs to be closed casket and the funeral needs to be very small because of Covid. so my 5 and 9 yr old have come up with theories. Five year old is the one more in denial. Any suggestions?

Death isn’t a permanent or real thing to kids that age. They will likely continue to ask for some time. 
 

I would ask the funeral home if they will zoom call and show the kids the funeral home, a casket, and his body. 
 

Another option would be to ask if a viewing could be arranged at the funeral home itself...just you and yours. The funeral may have to be closed casket, but you may be able to make a visit...not sure about your state’s laws currently.

[Tanaqui]

I'd suggest that your five year old is not in denial so much as that children that age simply don't understand. I'm sorry, I know that dealing with this on top of your grief must be hard 😞

[Elizabeth86]

No, but my brother died 7 years ago and it was a closed casket and I can't 100% feel he is really gone. I know he is dead, I don't doubt it, but it's hard to think of him not here. I find myself thinking of him still alive. Mu grandma died around the same time, I saw her, grieved her and think and speak about her as if she is gone, but a big part of the time I can't accept my brother is gone. I just can't properly grieve. 

[hippymamato3]

My brother died by suicide across the country on January 1st. I had to arrange for his cremation, etc from 3000 miles away, and then his ashes were shipped to me. I never saw his body. I still have moments where I wonder if it was really him. It's so hard. 

[Katy]

I’m sorry for your loss. They’ll believe it over time. It’s something kids have a hard time grasping. 

[Janeway]

13 hours ago, hippymamato3 said:

My brother died by suicide across the country on January 1st. I had to arrange for his cremation, etc from 3000 miles away, and then his ashes were shipped to me. I never saw his body. I still have moments where I wonder if it was really him. It's so hard. 

I am so sorry about the loss of your sibling!!! (((Hugs))))

[Janeway]

14 hours ago, Elizabeth86 said:

No, but my brother died 7 years ago and it was a closed casket and I can't 100% feel he is really gone. I know he is dead, I don't doubt it, but it's hard to think of him not here. I find myself thinking of him still alive. Mu grandma died around the same time, I saw her, grieved her and think and speak about her as if she is gone, but a big part of the time I can't accept my brother is gone. I just can't properly grieve. 

When they die before their time, it just feels so unacceptable. A couple days ago my uncle died. But he was 95 years old. At that point it feels more like it’s a celebration that he had 95 wonderful years. but when your sibling dies or a parent dies too young it just does not feel that way. Of course if I were much older and my dad were in his 90s I’m sure I’d still be devastated that he died but I just think it’s much harder to except the death of somebody from your own generation then it is a grandparent. I am very sorry about your losses. 

[Janeway]

21 hours ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Death isn’t a permanent or real thing to kids that age. They will likely continue to ask for some time. 
 

I would ask the funeral home if they will zoom call and show the kids the funeral home, a casket, and his body. 
 

Another option would be to ask if a viewing could be arranged at the funeral home itself...just you and yours. The funeral may have to be closed casket, but you may be able to make a visit...not sure about your state’s laws currently.

My understanding is, they are not allowing a viewing because it was a Covid death. And my older sister feels that his body is going to be in such bad shape anyway because they spent so much time working on him. I’m not sure why but he had bruising on his forehead when I saw him when he was dying. My sister claims that it had something to do with the blood pooling. But I’m worried it happened at the assisted living. We have already established beyond a doubt that he was being neglected there.

[TechWife]

On 1/30/2021 at 12:15 AM, Janeway said:

They have not seen Grandpa in 10 months due to the lockdown. He was fine before that. They did not get to visit him when he was dying. And now, we are being told that the casket needs to be closed casket and the funeral needs to be very small because of Covid. so my 5 and 9 yr old have come up with theories. Five year old is the one more in denial. Any suggestions?

Do you know any Child Life Specialists? They are good at explaining things like this to children. You could call a children’s hospital and ask one for ideas on how to approach the conversations. 
 

One thing you may want to ask the funeral home to do for you is a handprint for each of your children so they have something tangible. In the hospital we call it memory making.
 

When my father died the nurse brought in a new id bracelet for him, had me verify the identifying informant ion, then she put it on his wrist, removed the one he had been wearing and gave it to me. Sometimes I still stare at it in a kind of wonder.

ETA: The CCLP’s at work frequently pull out this book:

https://smile.amazon.com/dp/0870293214/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_t1_TZDXXY2BX9ZJV0AWDXPT

Edited January 31, 2021 by TechWife

[Carrie12345]

My kids are older, but they’ve suffered multiple losses in the past couple of years, both during and before COVID, but primarily with people they hadn’t seen in quite some time. All without traditional goodbyes (unless you count our cat yesterday.). They’ve struggled with it.

Sometimes it doesn’t seem real to me, either, even though I know that I know. And I include traditional goodbyes from years ago in that.

My 10 and 13yos especially get really upset when they’re thinking about someone and suddenly “remember” their loss. Sometimes it happens on its own, but sometimes I’m the one prompting it by shifting to past tense. It’s always hard to watch, but they know that it’s completely acceptable for them to “forget” and to be sad when they “remember”.  Grief is complicated, and that’s okay.

Thinking back to when I was about 5 and lost my first grandparent... I may have appeared in denial except for one breakdown away from my parents. I vividly remember not wanting to make people more sad.  My youngest is similar in that way.

[Laura Corin]

I don't know if this might help, but when we moved across the world,  we were advised to put together a physical photo album full of photos of China.  It allowed us to have a focus for mourning, and to fix those things in the past.

[Elizabeth86]

10 hours ago, Janeway said:

When they die before their time, it just feels so unacceptable. A couple days ago my uncle died. But he was 95 years old. At that point it feels more like it’s a celebration that he had 95 wonderful years. but when your sibling dies or a parent dies too young it just does not feel that way. Of course if I were much older and my dad were in his 90s I’m sure I’d still be devastated that he died but I just think it’s much harder to except the death of somebody from your own generation then it is a grandparent. I am very sorry about your losses. 

For sure. He was 20 years older than me, but still too young. His death was so horrible, it's easier to not think about it. He died driving a tanker truck. It was heartbreaking to think of him possibly suffering. It was horrible to see the accident on the news.

 

[Scarlett]

On 1/30/2021 at 8:24 AM, hippymamato3 said:

My brother died by suicide across the country on January 1st. I had to arrange for his cremation, etc from 3000 miles away, and then his ashes were shipped to me. I never saw his body. I still have moments where I wonder if it was really him. It's so hard. 

I am so sorry. Did this happen 1-1-2021?   I missed this. That is just so so hard. 
My Sister in law lost her mom to Covid a few weeks ago.  The funeral was via Zoom and no in person gathering. She told me it just doesn’t have the closure we all need.  

[Farrar]

If this persists, another vote to see if you can find a child life specialist. They're amazing people who do amazing work. However, my guess is that they primarily need some time.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything, Scarlett.

 

[hippymamato3]

3 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I am so sorry. Did this happen 1-1-2021?   I missed this. That is just so so hard. 
My Sister in law lost her mom to Covid a few weeks ago.  The funeral was via Zoom and no in person gathering. She told me it just doesn’t have the closure we all need.  

Yes. We haven't even done a funeral yet. It's just too much.