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Posted

Hi there, I stumbled upon these forums the other day and I hope this is the appropriate place to be asking.  I'm currently just looking for some advice, insight, curious of others who have been in a similar situation. 🙂

My youngest daughter is 9 and in the 4th grade. Our school district has been back in school full time since early November, before that she went every other day.  She has dyslexia and she is hi-cap in math. Due to covid, they are in "cohorts" where they stick with the same teachers and kids and can't really stray from the people they are with. Socially, she is with all of her friends, and for her, that is much needed and well. Academically, she is in the highest reading and she is really struggling. She also has a teacher who is trying to ease some of her anxiety but she also has a personality that is a little, hmm, rough around the edges, so my daughter doesn't always see it as caring, even though I do think the teacher means well...

Anyway, my daughter has been in tears over school off on and since they've gone back full time. The anxiety has really grown since after break and shes to the point where she cries, almost daily, over reading/school. Drop-offs have become so hard and there have been a few nights she has kept herself away with all of the "what-ifs".  She's began having to check all of her schoolwork a few times each morning to be sure she has everything done and that is all in her backpack because she is so afraid of getting in trouble.  Her teacher even said that she will check multiple times a day to see if her name is on the board (kids missing work) and the teacher can see the relief when she tells her she is all caught up. 

I'm at the point of not knowing what to do. She is seeing a counselor at school and we have an appointment with a clinical therapist in about a week. I'm considering homeschooling her for reading and then taking her to school for the rest of the day. I don't want to just give in to the anxiety but I know alot of this is stemming from the difficulty in it and she also isn't getting any accommodations. The teacher said she doesn't' feel that she needs it, but her behavior lately is saying otherwise. I'm hoping the counselor will have more insight. The therapist at school just says we need to practice "tough love". I think they just see the rough drops because my daugther doesn't like for people to see her upset so she pushes through for the day and then has a meltdown once she is home. If it was only drop offs that were the problem, "tough love" would be a heck of a lot easier. 

Gosh, I'm sorry, I feel like I rambled through this. It's so hard to even get my thoughts straight right now, because, I too, have anxiety and I feel like 75% of my thoughts are focused on how to help my kiddo through this. 🙂 If you've made it this far, thank you... I truly appreciate it. 

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Posted

I get that you're thinking it's the reading, but what you're describing sounds really serious. It's the kind of feedback I'm hearing quite a bit about kids' stress levels in schools right now, and it's the covid and masking.

4 hours ago, greeniegirl81 said:

The therapist at school just says we need to practice "tough love".

Wow, that's really questionable advice every day of the week. And given right now that kids are SUICIDAL over covid and highly stressed, I cannot fathom it being logical. Where are you at? Are they masking?

You want my advice? Take her to Disney for a week. See if the anxiety goes away. Then sort out the reading stuff when she feels better and can tell you what was eating at her. 

4 hours ago, greeniegirl81 said:

I know alot of this is stemming from the difficulty in it and she also isn't getting any accommodations.

So my ds has an IEP. If you suspect her disability is affecting her ability access her education, you have the legal right to make the written request yourself for evals. It doesn't have to be fancy. "To whom it may concern, I suspect dyslexia is affecting my dd's ability to access her education and request the school convene a team to evaluate and consider whether she needs an IEP or 504. Thank you." Date, sign, photocopy for your records, and give to the secretary. It's that simple.

The teacher can make that recommendation to the team, but you do not have to wait for that. If the problem is the anxiety and the dyslexia, then convene the team, compel them to eval, get something in place. But it could be covid + the academics. And frankly, her stress level sounds horribly high. There is nothing good accomplished when a kid is that stressed because STRESS SHUTS DOWN LEARNING.

So your number one job is to get down her stress. Disney, IEP team, make a plan.

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Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, greeniegirl81 said:

I too, have anxiety

A couple freebies for you. :smile:

https://www.kelly-mahler.com/body-check-chart-landing-page/  Kelly Mahler does a lot of work on interoception and self awareness. Her body check chart (and free upcoming workshop) would be strategies you could use with your dd to help her scan herself. Mindfulness (scanning your body, attending to yourself, paying attention to how you feel for a few minutes) can bump executive function (which is often an issue in dyslexia) and improve anxiety. 

https://www.mindful.org/mindfulness-meditation-guided-practices/  a free track Kelly suggests to adults who want to learn to do it for themselves. You can do it without, but it's a start. 

The more you do this, the more you start to notice what *makes you feel good*. So one of the antidotes for anxiety/stress is doing things that make you feel good preventatively, like Disney. :biggrin: No seriously, the school should be taking her anxiety seriously and building in things BEFORE she gets stressed. And that's how you get there, by finding things that make her feel calm and good and doing more of them.

https://www.kelly-mahler.com/resources/blog/5-keys-to-supporting-behavior-regulation/  Here is a talk Kelly is going to do online. 

My ds takes meds for his anxiety. It's an option and frankly covid amped stress for a lot of people, so that a lot of people are on meds who were getting by before. But it would be nice if they could back things up, see what else they could bring in place. 

https://www.therapro.com/Webinar-01-12-2021-Promoting-Self-Regulation-for-Everyday-Life-A-Practical-Re.html  I just watched this webinar (also free) and she had SO many great, practical things we can teach our kids as strategies to try when they're stressed. But they need to practice them when they're NOT, so they know what makes them feel good and what they want to do when they are. 

This is stuff your school could be doing in addition to the academic supports. But I wouldn't assume it's all academics. If they're masking, stress is already high. Stress shuts down learning and the advice to forge ahead is just so counter to what we know about how learning works. As soon as those cortisol levels go up, it's over. So what she's learning is people don't listen. What she's learning is to stuff it. 

4 hours ago, greeniegirl81 said:

I'm considering homeschooling her for reading and then taking her to school for the rest of the day. I don't want to just give in to the anxiety

So don't give in to it. Acknowledge it and treat it. Medication, mindfulness, strategies for prevention (staying feeling better). If the problem is covid, then homeschooling the reading won't be enough. Have you talked with your dd about this? You're going to get farther with collaborative problem solving. 

 

Edited by PeterPan
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Posted

@PeterPan

Thank you!! I wish I knew how to reply to separate comments as you did.

We are in Central WA and are masking. We actually did just take the kids to Disney in November, would love to go back! 😂 No anxiety!

 

Our daughter does have a 504 and I talked with our school’s SPED coordinator last night, who is also a school psychologist, and she’s going to look onto my daughters records and call me after. I feel like this is a great starting point and I’m looking forward to speaking with her today. We are also familiar with IEP’s as our other daughter has one. Going to navigate that avenue again.
 

I have talked to my daughter, many, many times. Her and her siblings had to get covid tested last week and so she’s been pretty relaxed having the end of th school week off plus the long weekend so I used that time to chat more about it. No anxiety unless we were taking about school, reading in particular. Every time, she mentioned reading and writing. The correcting of work in front of the class, testing, the teacher, etc... She said if she could just go to school once reading was over, it would be better. 
 

I’m encouraged that I have today’s meeting set up and am looking forward to her counseling appt next week to see where we go from here. Thank you again for your thoughtful reply!

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Posted
1 hour ago, greeniegirl81 said:

Thank you!! I wish I knew how to reply to separate comments as you did.

Drag your cursor to highlight text and a little "quote selection" box should appear. 

1 hour ago, greeniegirl81 said:

Our daughter does have a 504 and I talked with our school’s SPED coordinator last night, who is also a school psychologist, and she’s going to look onto my daughters records and call me after. I feel like this is a great starting point

Perfect!!

1 hour ago, greeniegirl81 said:

She said if she could just go to school once reading was over, it would be better. 

You could see if @Storygirl has something to add on this. Your challenge is that reading is present across subjects, not only in the reading time. Sounds like you're on it with the school, stepping up to make things happen. How is writing going for her? That's another area to watch.

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Posted (edited)
7 minutes ago, greeniegirl81 said:

@PeterPanwriting is also a struggle. 

https://mindwingconcepts.com/pages/methodology  this program was developed by an SLP working in a dyslexia school. It addresses narrative language, which affects both narrative and expository writing. The school (or your private) SLP can do narrative language testing and get her qualified for intervention.

You might get farther if you do private evals with an SLP who specializes in literacy and then use that to advocate with the school.

https://www.smartspeechtherapy.com/?s=dyslexia+testing  A blog post to let you see the types of things an SLP specializing in literacy could do for you.

Edited by PeterPan
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Posted

So, not exactly analogous, but both of my kids have had serious anxiety issues at different points in their lives, and at every step, all the experts have always advised us to do "tough love" and make them push through.  And it's never worked.  It's always made things far, far worse, and they've always improved when we've removed them from the situations that were causing anxiety.  

I don't know if the school will allow you to pull your child from reading class, but I would urge you to figure out a way to remove them from the environment.  That sounds like far more than a little anxiety.  PTSD is real and can develop from stuff you wouldn't normally expect or that seem kind of minor.  

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Posted
On 1/19/2021 at 1:52 PM, Terabith said:

So, not exactly analogous, but both of my kids have had serious anxiety issues at different points in their lives, and at every step, all the experts have always advised us to do "tough love" and make them push through.  And it's never worked.  It's always made things far, far worse, and they've always improved when we've removed them from the situations that were causing anxiety.  

I don't know if the school will allow you to pull your child from reading class, but I would urge you to figure out a way to remove them from the environment.  That sounds like far more than a little anxiety.  PTSD is real and can develop from stuff you wouldn't normally expect or that seem kind of minor.  

Our public schools have not recommended tough love. They have recommended IEPs with a lot of supports. They have also worked to match with really good teachers who have been awesome with communicating with me. Do comprehensive testing. Make sure you know all of the issues. Go from there.

We totally have had the decompensating meltdowns at home post-school. Hugs.

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Posted
16 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Our public schools have not recommended tough love. They have recommended IEPs with a lot of supports. They have also worked to match with really good teachers who have been awesome with communicating with me. Do comprehensive testing. Make sure you know all of the issues. Go from there.

We totally have had the decompensating meltdowns at home post-school. Hugs.

It wasn't just our public schools who recommended tough love.  It was also the psychiatrists.  Actually, the public schools were super confused by my oldest.  "Why are they having anxiety?  They have straight A's and perfect test scores."

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Posted
On 1/18/2021 at 7:39 PM, greeniegirl81 said:

She has dyslexia and she is hi-cap in math.
 

Academically, she is in the highest reading and she is really struggling. She also has a teacher who is trying to ease some of her anxiety but she also has a personality that is a little, hmm, rough around the edges, so my daughter doesn't always see it as caring, even though I do think the teacher means well...

So, does hi cap math mean she’s in the highest math group as well as the highest reading group? That is great, but that’s a lot of pressure for a child with a known disability with no supports who is supposed to get support. Is she 2e (generally gifted and has a learning related diagnosis).

It can be particularly difficult to get schools to realize that gifted students also need support if they have a disability.

On 1/18/2021 at 7:39 PM, greeniegirl81 said:

She's began having to check all of her schoolwork a few times each morning to be sure she has everything done and that is all in her backpack because she is so afraid of getting in trouble.  Her teacher even said that she will check multiple times a day to see if her name is on the board (kids missing work) and the teacher can see the relief when she tells her she is all caught up. 

I think your daughter is really functioning at a level that belies her difficulties at great personal cost. In addition to this list, you mentioned something about being corrected in class. This teacher sounds like a very poor fit and like she’s exacerbating everything. I would be every bit as paranoid of being caught unprepared in your daughter’s shoes. Wow! 

On 1/18/2021 at 7:39 PM, greeniegirl81 said:

I don't want to just give in to the anxiety but I know alot of this is stemming from the difficulty in it and she also isn't getting any accommodations. The teacher said she doesn't' feel that she needs it,

Horse pucky. She needs support. If she has supports in a 504, the teacher is violating the law. She needs her name on the board for her own unfinished worn of not supporting your daughter while having her in the highest level of math and reading. Not cool. She needs to be put on the defensive as she has put your daughter on the defensive.

 

On 1/19/2021 at 8:05 AM, greeniegirl81 said:

Our daughter does have a 504

It needs to be followed.

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Posted

This teacher is simultaneously asking your daughter to hit a high bar, withholding the means for your daughter to use her legally protected accommodations to meet that high bar, and then correcting kids publicly and writing their names on the board when they miss an assignment. If a boss did this, you could bring a lawsuit. Section 504 is a legal document every bit as much as an IEP. I am seriously disgusted. 

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Posted
1 hour ago, Terabith said:

It wasn't just our public schools who recommended tough love.  It was also the psychiatrists.  Actually, the public schools were super confused by my oldest.  "Why are they having anxiety?  They have straight A's and perfect test scores."

Gifted perfectionism is such a thing...even/especially if you are 2E.

Huh. Our district’s TAG coordinator brought in a psychologist this week to talk to parents in a Zoom seminar specifically on procrastination, perfectionism, and anxiety. We have had a ton of support here both in the district and with providers in the community...for which I am grateful.

Transitioning back after covid is a hard thing...my kids have been home for 10 months. In kid years, that’s forever. Time moves differently for them. I am not saying she shouldn’t be bring more resources on board (she should) but this is a normal trigger for a kid who is struggles with anxiety. New things here take 6-8 weeks to become normal.

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Posted
On 1/19/2021 at 9:47 AM, PeterPan said:

Drag your cursor to highlight text and a little "quote selection" box should appear. 

Perfect!!

You could see if @Storygirl has something to add on this. Your challenge is that reading is present across subjects, not only in the reading time. Sounds like you're on it with the school, stepping up to make things happen. How is writing going for her? That's another area to watch.

I've been reading along and do have some thoughts. I'll return to this thread in a day or two; we have a big IEP meeting this week that has been sucking up my attention.

(PeterPan tagged me, because my daughter with dyslexia had afterschool screaming/crying fits in fourth grade, and the teacher didn't understand, because DD was holding it together and seemed fine at school. )

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Posted

Thank you everyone, I really do appreciate all of the feedback here!

Since writing this the other day, I’ve been in contact with our school’s SPED coordinator. She wants to re-evaluate her and plans on doing so over the next few weeks.  She also said a few of the same things you guys did... it doesn’t matter what the teacher things, 504 is a legal document and her right, etc... she is awesome and I know we are on the right track. 
My daughter also her first appointment with a counselor tomorrow and I’m praying that’s a good fit.

@Story girl yes! I totally get the holding it together, fits at home.  I’m glad the ball is rolling and I should have put it in motion sooner.
 

Thankfully, my daughter has been a little better the past couple days and I’m praying that continues. Overall, I’m feeling much better with the people working on this and I’ve been in constant contact with her teacher when she is upset. I think we are on the right track. 😅

 

Truly, thank you all! 🤍
 

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