Divorce-knowledgeable people: some questions

[PinkTulip]

One of my dearest girlfriends is probably going to file for divorce in 2021. There is no cheating involved or physical abuse, but he is borderline NPD and she is just done. 
 

While she knows it’s the right thing to do, she is worried about how to tell him and their children, and everything she will have to go through to get from here to a year from now. Any books, websites, forums, etc. you could recommend to help her? I have told her to start gathering important documents, account #s, and money, as well as thinking about financial issues like where she can afford to live, etc. Thanks hive! 

[Katy]

NPD is emotional abuse, even if she’s just tired of walking on eggshells around him. I suggest she talk to an attorney or several before telling anyone anything. The attorney needs to understand the situation and will give the best advice about what to do in her area. 

[Carol in Cal.]

The laws about this vary from state to state.

You have given her good advice, particularly about gathering documents.  I would add that they should be stored in an offsite location that only she has access to.

Then she needs to see a couple of lawyers to try to figure out what is ahead and who she is comfortable working with.

[klmama]

Over the years, many here have recommended not moving out of the family home.  She should discuss that with the attorneys, as well.     

[ktgrok]

She needs to get a good therapist, who will help her with that type of thing - how to talk to the kids, how to be there for them, how to protect herself emotionally, etc. And obviously a lawyer for the legal stuff - which can vary by county not just state. 

[PinkTulip]

5 hours ago, Katy said:

NPD is emotional abuse, even if she’s just tired of walking on eggshells around him. 

I agree completely, which is why I tried to specify physical abuse. There is definitely emotional and financial abuse going on. I’m trying my best to support her and be there for her - I appreciate your suggestions! 

[Corraleno]

32 minutes ago, PinkTulip said:

I agree completely, which is why I tried to specify physical abuse. There is definitely emotional and financial abuse going on. I’m trying my best to support her and be there for her - I appreciate your suggestions! 

The bolded is concerning. Does she have access to all their accounts? Does he have accounts in his name only, or does she suspect he has a other accounts or assets she doesn't know about? The first thing she should do is set it up so she is notified of all transactions above a certain amount on all credit cards and joint accounts. Another thing she should start doing, if she can without triggering his suspicions, is setting aside a small amount of money each week in case he suddenly moves all their money out of joint accounts, or locks her out of the house, or some other scenario where she could be stranded without funds. She will also need a way to pay for legal consultation(s) that does not show up anywhere he would see it. So, for example, she could add a prepaid visa card to her cart each time she buys groceries or makes a Target run, or if she needs to take money from an ATM, take a little more than needed, etc., and then keep the cards and cash stashed with a friend. She may want to get a post office box, or use a friend's address for correspondence with lawyers. If he checks her phone, she should get a cheap burner phone and keep it somewhere safe (hidden in a car, or even with a friend if he is likely to search her car). She should not move out of the house — not even for a short time (e.g. going home to mom for a week to think things over). She should not do anything to telegraph the fact that she is thinking of leaving until she has all her ducks in a row. Abusive people, particularly those with NPD, are especially dangerous when they think they are losing control.

Edited January 15, 2021 by Corraleno

[Selkie]

She may have already done this, but if not, she should google how to divorce a narcissist. There is a lot of good information on what behaviors and actions to expect, and how to plan around it in advance.

[PinkTulip]

@Corraleno thank you for your response. She has a part-time job that she started about 6 months ago for “fun” money, but is actually socking cash away for this very reason. I will share your other thoughts with her on a burner phone and also volunteer to be the person to hold onto whatever she needs to keep separate. 
 

Thanks to everyone who responded - I really appreciate it!