update on the homeless relative

[DawnM]

thank you all for your cautionary wise advice to help at a distance.   I knew there was much more to the story but I didn't know much.   I just like to help and I knew I couldn't take her in.   for one thing, I have a foster child and can't take in people without them being vetted by dss, but for another, my home is a place I want to come home to in peace and rest.

I helped her find another relative to stay with, but that only lasted a few weeks before that relative asked her to leave.   she is now with some on again off again boyfriend who has been in and out of prison.   he is a pharmaceutical salesman.......aka; meth dealer.   I have learned all of this within the last few weeks.   she has never once mentioned this person to me and is even staying with his mom right now but just refers to her as a friend, not one mention of the boyfriend.

she can only stay there until feb. 1st.   

when she was sleeping in her car and upset, I got daily texts from her, now that she is with the boyfriend I don't even get responses to my texts asking if she is ok.

I am sure feb. 1st I will start getting texts again.   I may need to nicely confront her on the lying to me and to herself.   that may make her mad and push away, but I can't help if there are lies involved.

[DawnM]

ps; I am happy to help her get a meal or a better sleeping bag.  I have even offered to buy her an electric blanket that plugs into a lighter.

 

pps; i also found out that her sister would gladly take her in if she would ditch the boyfriend but she won't

[Carrie12345]

I’m sorry that the situation is worse than you knew, but also glad that you’ve resisted entangling yourself even more.

Personally, I don’t find confronting this type of personality to be helpful. Even when it’s seemed like it would be cathartic for myself, it just dug deeper. Of course everyone’s experience may vary.

[Ausmumof3]

Sorry it’s messy but so glad you didn’t get dragged into that further at the moment.

[Katy]

If her boyfriend is a meth dealer she’s probably on meth too. Maybe look up homeless shelters nearby to refer her to when she texts again. She likely won’t go because they demand sobriety, but it is a much better option than your house. Or just say, “Call your sister.”

[scholastica]

“I’m sorry you are going through that. That’s a hard situation. What are you going to do about it?” is a valid response when the texts start coming again. 

[mommyoffive]

Oh wow, a very messy situation.  Yes, I would think if her boyfriend is a meth dealer she might be using too. 

[DawnM]

2 hours ago, Katy said:

If her boyfriend is a meth dealer she’s probably on meth too. Maybe look up homeless shelters nearby to refer her to when she texts again. She likely won’t go because they demand sobriety, but it is a much better option than your house. Or just say, “Call your sister.”

She has been referred.   The problem is, in her area, all the shelters that are open are taking families with kids as a priority and are full, or they are fully closed for Covid.

[DawnM]

2 hours ago, scholastica said:

“I’m sorry you are going through that. That’s a hard situation. What are you going to do about it?” is a valid response when the texts start coming again. 

 

No, she will just start going on and on about how there is no option, she has looked into all of it, she is tired, blah, blah, blah.   I am not asking.

[MercyA]

@DawnM, you are an amazing human being. 

[catz]

Meh - it sounds like she has an option in her sister.  Sometimes tough love is the best love for a situation and you've already opened your heart and home to your little one.  

[DawnM]

27 minutes ago, MercyA said:

@DawnM, you are an amazing human being. 

 

I have to start remembering that some people don't want help, I want to fix things......

[DawnM]

16 minutes ago, FuzzyCatz said:

Meh - it sounds like she has an option in her sister.  Sometimes tough love is the best love for a situation and you've already opened your heart and home to your little one.  

 

Yes, and he is my priority right now, as well as my own kids.    So hard to watch people self-destruct.

[Scarlett]

4 hours ago, DawnM said:

ps; I am happy to help her get a meal or a better sleeping bag.  I have even offered to buy her an electric blanket that plugs into a lighter.

 

pps; i also found out that her sister would gladly take her in if she would ditch the boyfriend but she won't

These are very generous and wise ways to help while protecting your own family.  I am glad you had the valid reason of the foster child being there....it might have been near impossible to resist bringing her there to your home otherwise.

I do kind of wonder if she would have even come though if she has a boyfriend where she is now.  

[DawnM]

50 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

These are very generous and wise ways to help while protecting your own family.  I am glad you had the valid reason of the foster child being there....it might have been near impossible to resist bringing her there to your home otherwise.

I do kind of wonder if she would have even come though if she has a boyfriend where she is now.  

 

She lives 6 hours away, which helps.   But she did ask at one time if she could come here.   That was when (I have now learned) the boyfriend was in prison.

Edited January 14, 2021 by DawnM

[DawnM]

5 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

I’m sorry that the situation is worse than you knew, but also glad that you’ve resisted entangling yourself even more.

Personally, I don’t find confronting this type of personality to be helpful. Even when it’s seemed like it would be cathartic for myself, it just dug deeper. Of course everyone’s experience may vary.

 

I think you are right.   This has been true with our foster child's parent.   Nothing is ever her fault, and I think she actually believes the lies she tells.   And if she feels cornered, she will lash out.

[sassenach]

6 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

I’m sorry that the situation is worse than you knew, but also glad that you’ve resisted entangling yourself even more.

Personally, I don’t find confronting this type of personality to be helpful. Even when it’s seemed like it would be cathartic for myself, it just dug deeper. Of course everyone’s experience may vary.

For sure, I wouldn't bother confronting her. It won't change anything and will only serve to engage you further into her narrative.