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My best friend's mom ...


theelfqueen
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My bestie's mom has alzheimers. A year and a half ago,  she and her family sold their home and moved in with her mom to support and care for her. For the last two days her mother hasn't known who she is. Mama hasn't known her other children for a while (which seemed likely as they dont see her as often) but now seems disconnected further. 

My heart is breaking for them all

Any suggestions on how to support her? 

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It is so so hard.  I hope she has some support. My FIL just died October 1 after a long struggle with Alzheimers.  What was heartbreaking is he would not know anyone and you just start to accept that and then he suddenly opens his eyes and is completely himself and knows everyone. It is like death over and over.  
 

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Giving her a break when you can would be a blessing to her.  Take her out to lunch or dinner if her dh can stay with her mom.  Offer to stay with her mom so she and her family can go out for a while.  Even just going by and visiting with her would be good.  Of course I’m assuming these can be done safely with COVID precautions.  You could also order dinner to be delivered so she doesn’t have to cook occasionally.  

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I’m so sorry.

We are also on this path.  We moved my mother in with us after a traumatic event, which exacerbated her dementia and memory issues.  She can’t possibly live alone again safely.  Most days, she knows all of us, who live here with her, but not all days.  Sometimes she doesn’t know the kids or DH, a few days she didn’t know me.  

How old are your friend’s kids?  It’s harder on them than one knows, and I suggest asking after them and if they have someone to talk to.  This experience has been very difficult for my 16 year old.  He’s always been close with my mom, and seeing her slip away is hard. As a kid, my grandmother had Alzheimer’s all through my childhood, but she didn’t live with us, and I never really knew her before that, so it didn’t have a huge effect on me.  But my kids are seeing a different side, and it’s hard.  What’s hard on 9 year old is just having less of me, to spread around.

The kind of care and support that might help your friend could be difficult in a pandemic.  I know that I am physically exhausted by my mom’s care needs, often.  So things like meals, cleaning help, babysitting, and the thing I would love most ... grandmother-sitting so I can go somewhere with my family.  Pre-pandemic, we were unable to leave my mom alone, so I’d send DH and kids to do fun things or go to extended family events.  I really, deeply, would like to leave this house to do something with my kids, you know?

I’m sorry that your friend is going through this. 

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4 hours ago, Spryte said:

I’m so sorry.

We are also on this path.  We moved my mother in with us after a traumatic event, which exacerbated her dementia and memory issues.  She can’t possibly live alone again safely.  Most days, she knows all of us, who live here with her, but not all days.  Sometimes she doesn’t know the kids or DH, a few days she didn’t know me.  

How old are your friend’s kids?  It’s harder on them than one knows, and I suggest asking after them and if they have someone to talk to.  This experience has been very difficult for my 16 year old.  He’s always been close with my mom, and seeing her slip away is hard. As a kid, my grandmother had Alzheimer’s all through my childhood, but she didn’t live with us, and I never really knew her before that, so it didn’t have a huge effect on me.  But my kids are seeing a different side, and it’s hard.  What’s hard on 9 year old is just having less of me, to spread around.

The kind of care and support that might help your friend could be difficult in a pandemic.  I know that I am physically exhausted by my mom’s care needs, often.  So things like meals, cleaning help, babysitting, and the thing I would love most ... grandmother-sitting so I can go somewhere with my family.  Pre-pandemic, we were unable to leave my mom alone, so I’d send DH and kids to do fun things or go to extended family events.  I really, deeply, would like to leave this house to do something with my kids, you know?

I’m sorry that your friend is going through this. 

Yet another way you and I seem to be living life in parallel. 😉

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It is a very hard road.  We walked it with my grandfather and a doctor recently recommended I be tested for dementia.  That was hard to hear at my relatively young age, and I declined.  I have paid attention to therapies, and recently saw a video about the Montessori method of dealing with dementia problems.  It is yielding much better results than conventional approaches.  It seems it would be easier on caregivers as well. 

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2 hours ago, SpecialClassical said:

It is a very hard road.  We walked it with my grandfather and a doctor recently recommended I be tested for dementia.  That was hard to hear at my relatively young age, and I declined.  I have paid attention to therapies, and recently saw a video about the Montessori method of dealing with dementia problems.  It is yielding much better results than conventional approaches.  It seems it would be easier on caregivers as well. 

That sounds interesting. Do you have a link?  

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58 minutes ago, klmama said:

That sounds interesting. Do you have a link?  

One of the things that your post made me think of was name tags.  Instead of worrying about people forgetting names, they just started using name tags.  That would accomplish two things:  the loved one remembers names longer and continues to use names after she has forgotten. 

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2 hours ago, SpecialClassical said:

One of the things that your post made me think of was name tags.  Instead of worrying about people forgetting names, they just started using name tags.  That would accomplish two things:  the loved one remembers names longer and continues to use names after she has forgotten. 

Good idea!  Hmmm... I have a package of name tags left over from an event that I don't expect to use.  I'll see if they want it. Thanks!

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