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Do you have date night with your spouse? (Pre/post-covid, I suppose)


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32 minutes ago, katilac said:

As far as moving forward, I do think it really might help to put the onus on him for planning date night. Not in a negative way, just not adding something to YOUR plate and mental energy. Set a budget if that's stressful for you, and then let him have at it. 

Yep. This.

Generally, moms don't need one more thing to plan and carry out. But...you probably want to give him some guidelines. Some weeeks I'm not up for anything that I would have to dress up for. Or I might not want to do anything that requires energy, so bowling would be out. So, giving him some help on what you would enjoy or not enjoy, might help this project to be successful.

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I am able to have a date morning every single morning at the moment.

 We have borrowed a Bull for our housecow. IT is a huge mature Jersey bull with horns. I am scared of bulls, even small ones and this one is HUGE. did I mention it has horns!!! and is BIG!!! 

Early every morning I go into our paddock, let the cow into the very small milking shed and hand milk it, then let it out. to do this you have to walk into the paddock. the milking shed has a gate that just rests across the opening. it doesn't have a latch.

 the first morning of me milking with the bull there (did I mention it has horns and is BIG) the bull came right up to the stall, ran its horns over the walls and was giving a constant growly bellowwy noise. I had to ring DH to come rescue me.  I was so scared I was crying

Now DH is coming over every morning with me. We get to walk beside each other early in the morning -- completely kid free

 He tries to keep the bull away from the milking stall by using Lucerne hay in little handfuls spaced apart while I milk, and then We get to walk back home together afterwards. He isn't keen on the bull either.

 Can I count it as a date ???? we are alone together...... though DH did mention that the bull sort of spoils the peacefulness

 

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5 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

I am able to have a date morning every single morning at the moment.

 We have borrowed a Bull for our housecow. IT is a huge mature Jersey bull with horns. I am scared of bulls, even small ones and this one is HUGE. did I mention it has horns!!! and is BIG!!! 

Early every morning I go into our paddock, let the cow into the very small milking shed and hand milk it, then let it out. to do this you have to walk into the paddock. the milking shed has a gate that just rests across the opening. it doesn't have a latch.

 the first morning of me milking with the bull there (did I mention it has horns and is BIG) the bull came right up to the stall, ran its horns over the walls and was giving a constant growly bellowwy noise. I had to ring DH to come rescue me.  I was so scared I was crying

Now DH is coming over every morning with me. We get to walk beside each other early in the morning -- completely kid free

 He tries to keep the bull away from the milking stall by using Lucerne hay in little handfuls spaced apart while I milk, and then We get to walk back home together afterwards. He isn't keen on the bull either.

 Can I count it as a date ???? we are alone together...... though DH did mention that the bull sort of spoils the peacefulness

 

100% real date! And so gallant of DH! 😉

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10 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

I am able to have a date morning every single morning at the moment.

 We have borrowed a Bull for our housecow. IT is a huge mature Jersey bull with horns. I am scared of bulls, even small ones and this one is HUGE. did I mention it has horns!!! and is BIG!!! 

Early every morning I go into our paddock, let the cow into the very small milking shed and hand milk it, then let it out. to do this you have to walk into the paddock. the milking shed has a gate that just rests across the opening. it doesn't have a latch.

 the first morning of me milking with the bull there (did I mention it has horns and is BIG) the bull came right up to the stall, ran its horns over the walls and was giving a constant growly bellowwy noise. I had to ring DH to come rescue me.  I was so scared I was crying

Now DH is coming over every morning with me. We get to walk beside each other early in the morning -- completely kid free

 He tries to keep the bull away from the milking stall by using Lucerne hay in little handfuls spaced apart while I milk, and then We get to walk back home together afterwards. He isn't keen on the bull either.

 Can I count it as a date ???? we are alone together...... though DH did mention that the bull sort of spoils the peacefulness

 

Definitely a date. And Jersey bulls are SCARY! WE currently have two Angus bulls that I move, handle, and deal with fairly regularly. They are pretty chill dudes, as long as nobody is in heat (cows I mean.. 🙂 ) There is NO WAY that I would mess with a Jersey bull. I've never had a bull behave in the way that you describe, and we've had plenty out here on the farm. But from what I've read, Jersey bulls are like that. they are CRAZY! Kudos for your dh to keep him busy for you. 

 

How much longer does he have to stay? (the bull, not your dh. LOL)

Edited by fairfarmhand
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Dh and I are big, big fans of date night. I have no problems leaving my kids home while we go out. For dh and I, this is one way we nurture our relationship. Of course, there are many ways to accomplish this, but for us, dedicated time together as a couple is a cornerstone. Having older teens and young adult children, I can also say with all confidence that those kids leave and don't look back. They build their own lives, separate from yours (as they should), and what you are left with is your marriage. So, date night or not, IMO you have to find some space for the marriage to flourish in the absence of the children.

Logistics-wise? Indeed, right now it's pretty scarce. We do a lot of coffee runs. Just driving in a car together, grabbing coffee, and going back home gives us a chance to connect. When dining was open we did a few outdoor dinners. One time we thought the kids were both going to be out for the evening so we ordered our favorite restaurant and picked up a bottle of wine for home, but then one kid came home early 😂. I think we've pretty much given up on trying to pull that one off. In non-covid times my favorite thing to do is a long dinner, followed by sitting at the bar for another drink. Something about unhurried drinks is so good for letting our conversations get deep and meander into topics that we don't usually get to in day-to-day living.

 

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On 1/7/2021 at 2:46 PM, alisoncooks said:

Thanks for all the great ideas/thoughts. 

 

I can see why you feel the way you do. My suggestion would be to 1) be willing to spend a little money, 2) be willing to not bring the kids, 3) be willing to eat out. *What* you can do is actually endless. I do think it would be good to invite him to be the planner while you try to be the enthusiastic passenger. I think your main job right now is to embrace the idea and not put obstacles up. 

 

ETA: I want to clarify the be willing to eat out. It's not that food has to be involved but it is that it's a pretty convenient obstacle if you eliminate it from the options. I think you should challenge yourself to not put up obstacles.

Edited by sassenach
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On 1/7/2021 at 8:23 AM, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

Beware of Western culture's delusion that you have to prioritize one relationship (spouse) over another (kids.) Instead, remember there's no valid reason not to see them as equally important while at the same time seeing that they're different and often separate.   It's like being a Christian-there's no valid reason to put our relationship with God the Father over God the Son or God the Holy Spirit.  They're all equally important and deserve equal attention and relationship even though they are each different from each other.  Hierarchical  thinking is appropriate at times, but not in this context. Your children will only be with you a short time is a reason to prioritize them equally with your spouse because they'll be gone so soon and then that window will close, and you should prioritize your spouse equally because that's who you're with your entire marriage, even after the kids are launched.

I think western culture's emphasis (especially mom culture) is to prioritize the kids over the husband. The general drift always seems to be in that direction. Dh and I work with a lot of couples and families and I truly cannot recall a single time that I've witnessed an unhealthy prioritizing of the marriage over the children. However, I have seen countless couples faltering under the prioritization of the children over the marriage. Countless. 

So, I think when people say "prioritize the marriage" what they're saying is "don't neglect the marriage." 

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51 minutes ago, sassenach said:

I think western culture's emphasis (especially mom culture) is to prioritize the kids over the husband. The general drift always seems to be in that direction. Dh and I work with a lot of couples and families and I truly cannot recall a single time that I've witnessed an unhealthy prioritizing of the marriage over the children. However, I have seen countless couples faltering under the prioritization of the children over the marriage. Countless. 

So, I think when people say "prioritize the marriage" what they're saying is "don't neglect the marriage." 

No, you're wrong. The people I hear saying it (all the freaking time) are clearly advising putting the marriage first, children second.  I think that's a failure of typical marriage counseling in the church and out. It should be prioritize your family, neglecting no one in it and meeting whatever needs come up.

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7 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

Definitely a date. And Jersey bulls are SCARY! WE currently have two Angus bulls that I move, handle, and deal with fairly regularly. They are pretty chill dudes, as long as nobody is in heat (cows I mean.. 🙂 ) There is NO WAY that I would mess with a Jersey bull. I've never had a bull behave in the way that you describe, and we've had plenty out here on the farm. But from what I've read, Jersey bulls are like that. they are CRAZY! Kudos for your dh to keep him busy for you. 

 

How much longer does he have to stay? (the bull, not your dh. LOL)

Dates are now over. The bull sort of charged dh this morni g. He had to jump a fence to get away from it. He sratight away loaded it onto the trailer and we just got back from returning it. 

DH has suggested maybe finding someone who does AI...... 

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27 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

The cow was due to go into heat in a few days.  Ah well

If you can find a tech in the next few days, go for it! We do both, AI and bull breeding. AI can work OK. Alternately, if you find someone with a gentle beef bull that throws low birthweight calves, that's an option too. I bred my Jerseys with Angus bulls for a few years and they did fine as mature cows. Any time I tried to AI to get a pure Jersey heifer, I'd end up with a Jersey bull calf. GRRR. 

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18 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

I am able to have a date morning every single morning at the moment.

 We have borrowed a Bull for our housecow. IT is a huge mature Jersey bull with horns. I am scared of bulls, even small ones and this one is HUGE. did I mention it has horns!!! and is BIG!!! 

Early every morning I go into our paddock, let the cow into the very small milking shed and hand milk it, then let it out. to do this you have to walk into the paddock. the milking shed has a gate that just rests across the opening. it doesn't have a latch.

 the first morning of me milking with the bull there (did I mention it has horns and is BIG) the bull came right up to the stall, ran its horns over the walls and was giving a constant growly bellowwy noise. I had to ring DH to come rescue me.  I was so scared I was crying

Now DH is coming over every morning with me. We get to walk beside each other early in the morning -- completely kid free

 He tries to keep the bull away from the milking stall by using Lucerne hay in little handfuls spaced apart while I milk, and then We get to walk back home together afterwards. He isn't keen on the bull either.

 Can I count it as a date ???? we are alone together...... though DH did mention that the bull sort of spoils the peacefulness

 

Date!

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Not here. It’s never been practical for child care reasons earlier and then my husband’s business travel. When he’s in town, he wants to be home. We have been married for 23 years. Everyone does things differently, of course, but I wish people wouldn’t put make this a routine expectation on other couples. It sets people up for perceived failure. Every marriage is different. 

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16 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

Dates are now over. The bull sort of charged dh this morni g. He had to jump a fence to get away from it. He sratight away loaded it onto the trailer and we just got back from returning it. 

DH has suggested maybe finding someone who does AI...... 

Whoa.

Um, maybe change it over to a nice, safe morning stroll and call it good.  An AI date doesn't sound enticing but it does sound safer. 😉 

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4 minutes ago, annandatje said:

We did not have specified date nights pre or post covid.  Not interested in having one more obligation. 

So, I'm curious, if you don't carve out the date and make the time, do you find it still happens? We tend to have greater success getting time to ourselves when we're intentional about it.  Although I'll be the first to admit that for years I didn't see the point to having time to ourselves and we just did family time.  That said, I don't think I recognized or gave space to different love languages.  He wanted a little undivided attention and I felt it was sufficient.  I failed to recognize and give his feelings an equal footing with my own.  I think I should have respected that better.

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1 minute ago, BlsdMama said:

Whoa.

Um, maybe change it over to a nice, safe morning stroll and call it good.  An AI date doesn't sound enticing but it does sound safer. 😉 

Well, if you're gonna go there, we have dates all the time!

Castration dates, AI dates, cutting out calves from the herd dates....but I hesitate to call them dates because they generally consist of lots of running around yelling at each other, swearing at animals, and manure....lots and lots of manure.

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I would like to, at least once a month, but it isn't a desire/priority for my DH.  He also struggles with doing things without the kids, only our oldest is an early teen and the other two mid-elementary.  I don't want to wait to connect/spend time with my DH once the kids are grown and out of the house.  We both have our own hobbies, and there are things we do enjoy doing together, but the kids enjoy those things too.  I find when the kids are along, DH and I are split trying to give the kids attention so while we are together, we rarely get to actually talk or be by one another which is why I push to have "date night."  I would like a date night because I want quality time to actually be able to focus on DH and our relationship.  Sometimes it is more conversational and other times it's more fun/adventuring, but we have always enjoyed ourselves and are glad we did it.

Here are a few ideas:

Hike, bike ride, or walk - sometimes we seek out a new place, other times resort to the tried and true

Get food from the grocery store prepared section and have a picnic

Let the kids watch a movie on our 2nd TV while we watch on the big one.  For this we will sit together rather than be doing our own hobby.

Taken a class.

Go to open houses.  Just to see what others do with their homes and give us ideas for ours

Go to a play, concert, etc.  We usually did smaller productions like a local theater troupe or the community college student productions.

Kayaking

Fly a kite

Game store - in our area there is a store that sells and hosts various board & card games.  They have so many you can try out and a big room to play it in.  

Bowling

Minature golf

Take a class - like cooking, a foreign language

Attend a cultural presentation/lecture/exhibit at our community college

Museums - Art, science, history

 

 

 

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On 1/13/2021 at 10:21 AM, BlsdMama said:

So, I'm curious, if you don't carve out the date and make the time, do you find it still happens?

Yes, it still happens but not on any regular schedule.  My husband's work schedule is rather unpredictable, and during my busy season at work, I cannot handle obligations other than work and family emergencies.  It helps that husband and I are homebodies and introverts, so we may not need quite as much date time as some other couples.

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On 1/13/2021 at 10:21 AM, fairfarmhand said:

Well, if you're gonna go there, we have dates all the time!

Castration dates, AI dates, cutting out calves from the herd dates....but I hesitate to call them dates because they generally consist of lots of running around yelling at each other, swearing at animals, and manure....lots and lots of manure.

At least you’re honest and upfront about it. I grew up on a working farm and if you’d have painted all that a rosy picture... Although there is something cute about tossing baby pig testicles to the dog that still makes me a little nostalgic. 
 

Saw a shirt the other day that said, “I’m sorry about what I said when we were moving pigs.” They had a cow alternative - in case you’re looking on Etsy.

To the OP, you might consider livestock. Nothing has made me like my DH more than when I spent $60 on hatching eggs and he barely winced. And when only half hatched and all but a couple were roosters and he didn’t remind me those were the most expensive hens ever.  Or when he removed the garage doors from a detached 1.5 car garage and made me genuine swinging barn doors. Now THAT was sacrificial and romantic AND included a date/trip to Lowe’s. In all seriousness, the doors might have been the best present I ever got. (Consequently, the next year, I gave him back his garage as a workshop rather than a chicken and goat shed and that might have been his best ever present.) 😂 

Yep, dates to farm stores and home store are legit.

Edited by BlsdMama
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