Talk me through the differentiation of my late-adolescent daughter

[Tree Frog]

On 12/28/2020 at 12:18 PM, kbutton said:

I have boys and haven’t gotten to this stage yet, but I can remember my parents twisting things I’d said or not being aware of things they said that were contradictory, etc. I have amazing parents, but they can be inconsistent at the weirdest times and very touchy at the slightest hint that there is disharmony (personality feeds into this majorly). Sometimes they did a lot of “managing” my expectations up front and it was great; other times they managed things by giving a reason for their “no” that was really secondary or tertiary because they perceived (often wrongly) that the real reason would go over like a lead balloon. Fast forward a few years, and those memories got fuzzy to them, but I remembered ironclad resistance/expectations that the parents don’t remember setting. 🤦🏻

This is interesting to me because my two dd's have both felt and expressed it recently. I think it may be a matter of perceptions. I can remember thinking they must not want _____ very much because they didn't push for it. They remember that our "no" felt ironclad, so they didn't push for it, though they very much wanted it. It was a good reminder for all of us that what appears to be unchanging might be something that needs to be pushed for in terms of jobs, careers, and relationships.

[Halftime Hope]

20 hours ago, LMD said:

I really disagree with apologising for the hikes thing. I may be mother but I'm also a person and it feels like encouraging them to shift responsibility for their own emotions onto perceived injustices and a convenient scapegoat.

Sure, I'd listen to their feelings. Instead of apologising though, I'd ask them questions. Does she remember these other times you supported her? Why does she think you made the decision you did? What is she envisioning as the correct amount of support from you, and is that a realistic or fair expectation (remember, mother is a person too, not a validation machine)?

I just think it's so unhealthy to be constantly self-flagellating about normal, mostly fine, imperfect but loving childhoods. Not going on 2 hikes is hardly a trauma to apologise for. More likely I'd say "I get that you feel it was unfair. I hope you'd give your own parents the benefit of the doubt, that we had our reasons for making that decision. Isn't it great that you're an adult and can now do those things any time you choose."

Yes to this.  Thank you for wrapping words.  All of us can choose gratitude and chose our point of view.  

[Tanaqui]

5 hours ago, Halftime Hope said:

Yes to this.  Thank you for wrapping words.  All of us can choose gratitude and chose our point of view.  

It's easy enough to say that each of us can choose our point of view when you're advocating that you don't acknowledge your child's point of view enough to apologize for whatever harm - however small or unintentional! - your actions may have caused.

As for choosing gratitude - maybe we always can, but I find it pretty toxic to suggest that we always should.

[LMD]

Well, I personally think encouraging a young adult to nurse their grievances and expect some kind of penance for very uncontroversial and lovingly made parenting decisions is more harmful than a teen occasionally hearing no. I can acknowledge their point of view without being held emotionally hostage to today's vexatious memory.

We aren't talking about abuse or trauma here. We're talking about 2 hikes! OP did great to say anything more understanding than grow up...