SAHM worries

[Scarlett]

17 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

I agree with you, Scarlett. There is a very strong message of "If you just try a little harder and make better choices, you can have it all and never, ever have to make any trade offs, ever!"

For the years I worked outside of the home, I didn't find that to be true. Either the job isn't getting 100% or the kids aren't getting 100% or the husband isn't getting 100% or you aren't getting 100%. 

Exactly.   Because there are only so many hours in the day. It is math really.  Lol. 

[Scarlett]

16 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

But there's a difference between quitting the working world entirely and still having a foot in it. At least... I really hope there is. I know I've chosen a less ambitious path than I would have if I hadn't had kids, and it does rankle sometimes, but I do hope my work counts for something. 

But that is not what Quill was describing with her adult nieces.  They were all in. 

[Not_a_Number]

Just now, Scarlett said:

But that is not what Quill was describing with her adult nieces.  They were all in. 

Yeah, I wouldn't do that 🙂 . Personally. I'm a little too invested in the "kid" project, you know? 😉 

[Scarlett]

14 minutes ago, Frances said:

One spouse working full-time and one working part-time or both working some version of part-time while kids are home and then transitioning to full or almost full time is what I was talking about. Not one spouse (usually the husband) working full time and the other not working at all until the kids are gone. My husband and I are living proof it can work, as are many of our friends and coworkers. But then again, we’ve always lived frugally, even now that we have money. 

It sounds like you have found balance and that is wonderful,  I don’t think that is how the majority of the world works though.  

[Frances]

10 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

It sounds like you have found balance and that is wonderful,  I don’t think that is how the majority of the world works though.  

I do think education level and career choice makes a difference. As others have said, some careers are much more able to be done part-time or flexibly while still earning a relatively good income. It also helps if only one or neither spouse is career driven in the sense of always going after the the next promotion. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with that, just that I don’t think it’s possible for both spouses to be that way and not use significant amounts of childcare and/or add significantly to the stress level of the family. My spouse and I have both turned down promotions. My husband is still regularly asked to enter management.

Edited December 19, 2020 by Frances

[prairiewindmomma]

Of all of my in-laws (SILs and BILs) on both sides of the family, we're the only one with a SAH parent (me).  If I expand that to my cousins, there is one more family with a SAHP.  My female cousin works full time and her husband stays home with their children. He works part-time from home and has flexible hours. I really don't think SAHMs are common outside of the conservative church circle. 

I pulled up the BLS report for 2019, the labor force participation rate for married mothers with children under the age of 6 was 66.4%.  For mothers with children 6-17, it was 76.8%. 

[Scarlett]

My biggest regret was spending 16 1/2 years waiting for now xh to allow me to have a child.  In hindsite I wish I had used that time to get a degree instead of working a relatively low paying job but I did love that job and I got to travel and I learned a lot. 
 

 But the years I spent being SAHM to my son? Irreplaceable.  

[Frances]

3 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Of all of my in-laws (SILs and BILs) on both sides of the family, we're the only one with a SAH parent (me).  If I expand that to my cousins, there is one more family with a SAHP.  My female cousin works full time and her husband stays home with their children. He works part-time from home and has flexible hours. I really don't think SAHMs are common outside of the conservative church circle. 

I pulled up the BLS report for 2019, the labor force participation rate for married mothers with children under the age of 6 was 66.4%.  For mothers with children 6-17, it was 76.8%. 

But is that full-time work? Even growing up, I knew lots of moms who worked part time in healthcare in order to get health insurance for the family.

Edited December 19, 2020 by Frances

[prairiewindmomma]

PLEASE DON'T QUOTE, I'LL EDIT OUT LATER: 

Yes, with regards to my in-laws for all but maybe one family.  One SIL is a gig-worker (free lance marketing writer for various companies). There may be times when she drops below full-time. There are definitely times when she's pulling long hours. I'm not sure how that's balancing out.  She works from home most of the time

Of the childcare setups of the in-laws:

family 1--daycare, then daycare after school

family 2-- MIL watched the first child for the first year, then daycare, with daycare after care

family 3--hired a nanny (twins followed by twins!), then preschool with aftercare, then school with aftercare--this covid year the schools have been mostly open for them. I think they are using leave when the schools close or their employer is letting them WFH.

My sister just had her first baby this past year. She did 12 weeks of leave followed by her husband taking leave, and now a family member is her nanny. 

Of my cousins, of which there are many..... All have used daycare starting at 6-24 weeks (depending on how parents stacked parental leave) with a few exceptions.  

---One hired a nanny.

---Another used Primrose School.....which technically is a private preschool with infant rooms and after school care.

---One cousin's wife was briefly unemployed between kid 1 and 2...and the way it overlapped with leave might be considered a SAHM situation by some....but it was primarily because the private school she was working at consolidated with another after a school year and she was made redundant for her particular job. Since her job is school based and nearly all contracts are for school terms, she had a longer stretch of unemployment pushing 9 months. 

---My cousin whose dh is now a SAHD used daycare after their first child. When she had the second, the dh stayed home, and he is part time now (I think).  I think he is planning to go back full-time though once schools open back up, iykwim. It's been a weird covid year. He's been having to supervise school.  

Edited December 19, 2020 by prairiewindmomma

[Shoeless]

50 minutes ago, Quill said:

I think I did some things for the wrong reasons, though, and I do think, with a magic wand and a time machine, I would make some different choices. 

I mean, who among us would not? 🙂 There are many, many things I would do differently if I could turn back the hands of time. Maybe some of them would have worked out better, maybe some would have worked out worse. There's no way to know. 

[Scarlett]

6 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

I mean, who among us would not? 🙂 There are many, many things I would do differently if I could turn back the hands of time. Maybe some of them would have worked out better, maybe some would have worked out worse. There's no way to know. 

Right? See my post above. Some days that includes not marrying first husband.....but then I would not have ds and he is the joy of my life.  

[Sneezyone]

I’m the only one of 15 maternal cousins who’s a SAHM. Two of my male cousins have SAHWs. None of my paternal cousins are SAHMs. Working is the norm in my family (and not just part time but all-consuming career type jobs).  I would’ve done it too but, as you said, my DH is military and our kids need/needed SOMEONE to always be there. I go back and forth about going back to work someday. I’ve had lots of awesome jobs and I miss the daily adult interaction, the adrenaline rush of defeating a foe, but that’s it.

Edited December 19, 2020 by Sneezyone

[Guest]

10 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

I mean, who among us would not? 🙂 There are many, many things I would do differently if I could turn back the hands of time. Maybe some of them would have worked out better, maybe some would have worked out worse. There's no way to know. 

I agree; there is no way to know what was down that untravelled path. My present does inform what I would recommend to my own kids or a younger mom at the early part of this journey, which is why I contributed to this thread in the first place. 

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

I’m the only one of 15 maternal cousins who’s a SAHM. Two of my male cousins have SAHW. None of my paternal cousins are SAHMs. Working is the norm in my family.  I would’ve done it too but, as you said, my DH is military and our kids need/needed SOMEONE to always be there. I go back and forth about going back to work someday. I’ve had lots of awesome jobs and I miss the daily adult interaction, the adrenaline rush of defeating a foe, but that’s it.

That’s what I love about my new job. Learning about people’s cases and what happened and talking to them (even on the phone! Eeek! Lol!); it’s so interesting and engrossing. I think, well dang, no wonder I wasted hours upon hours on Facebook (or here!), debating and compiling data and discussing things with people. I was starving for those mental tasks, lol! 

[Sneezyone]

1 minute ago, Quill said:

That’s what I love about my new job. Learning about people’s cases and what happened and talking to them (even on the phone! Eeek! Lol!); it’s so interesting and engrossing. I think, well dang, no wonder I wasted hours upon hours on Facebook (or here!), debating and compiling data and discussing things with people. I was starving for those mental tasks, lol! 

Yep. I miss being ‘somebody’ and doing big things that make a difference for lots of people. I miss being valued for my thoughts and strategery. DHs retirement and upward progress made the ‘choice’ to be home manageable financially. Homeschooling made it a passable substitute intellectually.

[Not_a_Number]

31 minutes ago, Quill said:

That’s what I love about my new job. Learning about people’s cases and what happened and talking to them (even on the phone! Eeek! Lol!); it’s so interesting and engrossing. I think, well dang, no wonder I wasted hours upon hours on Facebook (or here!), debating and compiling data and discussing things with people. I was starving for those mental tasks, lol! 

Hahaha, you remind me about my "who else hates phones?" thread. I think that was my previous incarnation, though... 

[Lecka]

As someone about ten years older I assume (my oldest is 15) — at this point, I think where we are financially is more to-the-point than my own immediate income potential.

What are our savings?  What are our bills?  
 

We have a very affordable mortgage payment, in large part from choosing to live in a lower-cost area.  
 

It’s a choice we have made that lets money go farther and allows for more opportunity for things like savings and home ownership.

The amount needed for bills and other expenses, and the amount able to be saved, can be just as important as income potential.

Edit:  we have started from having personal reasons to want to have a SAH parent, and made decisions from there, that we hoped would lead to a place of financial security.  We have tried to make choices in this direction.  

 

Edited December 19, 2020 by Lecka

[Lecka]

I personally don’t know how I could feel financially secure living in a high cost of living area and possibly priced out of the housing market.  
 

I am sure there is a path for this — but I don’t know what it is.

One of my sisters left the San Francisco area after she realized she would never be able to buy a house there, and that she would also not be able to keep from having her rent keep going up, or keep having to move farther away or into a smaller room etc.  

 

All her friends either have got houses in San Francisco now (a handful), or have left the area (30+ people she still meets for vacations and things).  
 

So — I don’t know if that is relevant, but I think of it.  It’s something we thought of when we made a choice between two towns recently, and went with the one with the lower cost of living.  

Edited December 19, 2020 by Lecka

[Sneezyone]

9 hours ago, Lecka said:

I personally don’t know how I could feel financially secure living in a high cost of living area and possibly priced out of the housing market.  
 

I am sure there is a path for this — but I don’t know what it is.

One of my sisters left the San Francisco area after she realized she would never be able to buy a house there, and that she would also not be able to keep from having her rent keep going up, or keep having to move farther away or into a smaller room etc.  

 

All her friends either have got houses in San Francisco now (a handful), or have left the area (30+ people she still meets for vacations and things).  
 

So — I don’t know if that is relevant, but I think of it.  It’s something we thought of when we made a choice between two towns recently, and went with the one with the lower cost of living.  

My friends who stayed in LA or moved to the burbs have homes, come to think of it, the one in the burbs is the only one who is a SAH parent. Her DH is an entrepreneur. The others are lawyers so they could afford to buy and did. My cousins in Seattle bought in exurban communities like West Seattle, Bellevue, and Marysville. Another commutes from Tacoma (his wife is at home). They’re not wealthy. One is a bartender, another is a union welder, the others are a GIS programmer and project manager. These folks all grew up in the area tho so they had family capital on which to draw. My family has been there for a long time. You see the same dynamics at play in Hawaii.

Edited December 19, 2020 by Sneezyone

[Arcadia]

42 minutes ago, Lecka said:

I personally don’t know how I could feel financially secure living in a high cost of living area and possibly priced out of the housing market.  
 

My husband and I were born and grew up in HCOL cities worse than SF Bay Area. We just grew up budgeting and negotiating pay/salary based on the HCOL that we are accustomed to. 

[KungFuPanda]

On 12/17/2020 at 5:25 PM, MoyaPechal said:

I've thought of doing one of those programs where you teach English to Chinese children, but I don't have a laptop or WiFi. Plus I can't count on my 4yo to not barge in. I used to write novels but I only have 2 hours of free time at the end of the day and by then I'm exhausted.

Those programs are generally 12 hours off, so you’d be teaching at 4 or 5 in the morning. Surely your husband is home then to prevent any barging in. You’re also a contractor so would have to do your own withholding for taxes and retirement funds 

[KungFuPanda]

On 12/17/2020 at 8:13 PM, Quill said:

Exactly this. I am 49 and, at long last, did re-enter the workforce in November. But, though I am happy at my job (at least, so far), it really did become more of a beggars-can't-be-choosers situation. I have no benefits. My pay is not too impressive for someone with my skills. My hopety-hope is that, in time, bossman will see me as a valuable contributor and will raise my pay, but I still don't have much hope of job benefits so long as I stay in this tiny firm. 

I tend towards optimism and it really never occurred to 20-something me that being taken seriously and seen as a valuable employee would be actually really difficult at the half-century point. I did work part-time (very, very PT) over the past couple decades, operating the business side of dh's companies. I always assumed that reflected well on me - I wasn't sitting around eating bon-bons, right? - but it doesn't look good on a resume and when people learned that I homeschooled for 16+ years, many, it seems to me, wrote me off instantly as a little domestic wifey type. The person who finally hired me actually had a lot of respect for homeschooling, but many did not (I don't think). 

In my darker moments, I question whether the whole homeschooling experiment was worth it. My kids have turned out lovely (so far) and I'm proud of my young adults, but still...was it worth what I did? I really wonder that sometimes. 

I’m right there with you. I think everyone but me benefitted from all those years of me at home. I may have increased their levels of comfort and security without thinking much of my own.  THIS was the year I was ready to wade back in, suck up the ageism, and look until I found a job at least part time. I did not see a pandemic coming and having to shut down my tiny little dance business. I wanted more work, not less and I wanted it with an employer that managed all the business details. I really wanted to get out there while I still felt strong and healthy BEFORE something bad happened. 

[Shoeless]

2 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

I’m right there with you. I think everyone but me benefitted from all those years of me at home. I may have increased their levels of comfort and security without thinking much of my own.  THIS was the year I was ready to wade back in, suck up the ageism, and look until I found a job at least part time. I did not see a pandemic coming and having to shut down my tiny little dance business. I wanted more work, not less and I wanted it with an employer that managed all the business details. I really wanted to get out there while I still felt strong and healthy BEFORE something bad happened. 

Hmm, interesting. I feel like I've benefited just as much from being home as my son and husband have. 

[Lecka]

Well — I think it matters if for a “regular person” who is not a lawyer or something to be able to buy in an area, if it requires family capital — well — are you someone who has that, or are you someone who doesn’t?

Are you someone who will get down payment help, or not?

Is your husband somebody on track to make that level of income?

Are you on track to be able to have the combination of savings and/or job negotiation?

If the answer is “yes” — then that is great!

If the answer is “no” — well, where is the down payment going to come from, you know?  
 

For op — I think — think about what your expenses are, and think about the salary ranges for what you are looking at.

For example — for online tutoring, you would get paid the same no matter what your bills are from living in a more expensive area.  For in-person you would probably get a higher wage based on living in a more expensive area.  For another person, online tutoring could pay more than the going rate locally.  If you live somewhere that it would pay more in-person — that is something to consider.  
 

My husband is someone whose salary would be less than $10,000 different between the lower- or higher-priced places we looked at.  
 

Other people can make much more money living in a  more-expensive area than in a less-expensive area, have much great opportunities, not be able to find work in their fields in less-expensive areas, etc.

I think it is very individual.

 

 

[Lecka]

I think it's worth considering, too -- could you move to a better school district, that might have lower housing prices?  Sometimes that is the case with suburbs?  

It's fine to say you really love the city lifestyle and love to homeschool, and it's what you want to do.

If you are saying "well I'm afraid of the schools here, but feel like I should increase my earnings potential" then it's something to consider?  Would that be worth a commute for your husband, or whatever?

Overall -- I think there are a lot of overall lifestyle questions to look at, I don't think it's just one decision.  

Because -- a lot depends on how much money your husband makes, how much money he is likely to make in the future, what his opportunities are to work in other locations, how you feel about commutes, how you feel about where you would like to live, etc. 

I think all of those come together in various ways.  

 

[KungFuPanda]

9 hours ago, MissLemon said:

Hmm, interesting. I feel like I've benefited just as much from being home as my son and husband have. 

I’ve ‘enjoyed’ my life, but the rest of them have benefitted in that they’ve had a great set-up and will reap future benefits/security because of my labor. My security is attached to other people.  I think my next chapter in life will be about shoring up my own financial security so I won’t burden my daughter or reduce mine and my son’s standard of living should something suddenly happen to Dh. 
 

I’ve had plenty of projects to do at home on pandemic house arrest, but I’ve learned that I’m not cut out to do this forever. This is the first year in almost 20 that I haven’t had anyone to homeschool. I could easily spend 20-40 hours elsewhere.  I’ve never been ‘just’ a housewife and it’s going to get old. I’ve got a good 20-30 years of work energy in me and my home just doesn’t need me full-time. 

[HS Mom in NC]

15 hours ago, MissLemon said:

I agree with you, Scarlett. There is a very strong message of "If you just try a little harder and make better choices, you can have it all and never, ever have to make any trade offs, ever!"

For the years I worked outside of the home, I didn't find that to be true. Either the job isn't getting 100% or the kids aren't getting 100% or the husband isn't getting 100% or you aren't getting 100%. 

We're still in the pendulum swing.  For a long time it was at one extreme, and when people try to correct and extreme, they typically over correct for it by going to the other extreme for a while because very few people passionate enough to address systemic problems (typically idealists by nature) are able to remain calm and objective about pros and cons all along the way. 

You're right, we're still in the stage where the best approach, "Everything has tradeoffs, realistically identify them and then choose what you're willing to give up for whatever it is you want to gain" isn't how most people frame this discussion.  Life is basically the live action role play of an endless game of Would You Rather...No one can have everything. Choices are almost always packaged deals, not la carte menu items. Set your top priorities and plan and behave accordingly.

[TAFKAPastry]

On 12/17/2020 at 4:56 PM, MoyaPechal said:

We do have life insurance, but I'd still need to somehow find a job with zero full-time work experience.

Not necessarily - I didn’t graduate college and have been out of the workforce for years. We pulled enough insurance coverage that the house could be paid off, taxes and utilities and food and childcare all factored in too, for a minimum of six years. Really, if there are any other income streams, that could last a decade.

Those costs and the time it would take me to go back to school and still parent were how we decided what level of coverage to carry 🙂

[MoyaPechal]

On 12/19/2020 at 7:49 AM, Lecka said:

I think it's worth considering, too -- could you move to a better school district, that might have lower housing prices?  Sometimes that is the case with suburbs?  

It's fine to say you really love the city lifestyle and love to homeschool, and it's what you want to do.

If you are saying "well I'm afraid of the schools here, but feel like I should increase my earnings potential" then it's something to consider?  Would that be worth a commute for your husband, or whatever?

Overall -- I think there are a lot of overall lifestyle questions to look at, I don't think it's just one decision.  

Because -- a lot depends on how much money your husband makes, how much money he is likely to make in the future, what his opportunities are to work in other locations, how you feel about commutes, how you feel about where you would like to live, etc. 

I think all of those come together in various ways.  

 

Yeah, that's definitely fair. For things to be "affordable," his commute would be two hours. And the school districts out there aren't any better. And I have a lot of issues with the way things are run even in the good schools here (and those districts are super expensive). No textbooks, Flocabulary videos, not informing parents when very controversial subjects will be brought up, etc. Transit is so ridiculous around here that moving even just a little further out doubles the commute time without decreasing the cost of living enough to be worth it. I really wish we could move further out but I want my husband to actually see our child (and me!) every day more than I want that.

[MoyaPechal]

On 12/18/2020 at 9:48 PM, Lecka said:

I personally don’t know how I could feel financially secure living in a high cost of living area and possibly priced out of the housing market.  
 

I am sure there is a path for this — but I don’t know what it is.

One of my sisters left the San Francisco area after she realized she would never be able to buy a house there, and that she would also not be able to keep from having her rent keep going up, or keep having to move farther away or into a smaller room etc.  

 

All her friends either have got houses in San Francisco now (a handful), or have left the area (30+ people she still meets for vacations and things).  
 

So — I don’t know if that is relevant, but I think of it.  It’s something we thought of when we made a choice between two towns recently, and went with the one with the lower cost of living.  

My husband works in a very specific part of the intelligence community. There aren't any jobs for him anywhere else. And we did try to move for years with no success at finding jobs. It's just not happening. We're definitely priced out of the housing market here unless we move 2 hours from the city or inherit money.

[GoodGrief3]

On 12/17/2020 at 6:28 PM, Frances said:

You could potentially do nursing while homeschooling, as there are often weekend or evening shifts available. The difficulty would be doing nursing school while homeschooling, unless it was primarily an online or evening program with in person clinicals for which you could get a babysitter.

My experience working part time in nursing was that it was the worst of all worlds, though obviously plenty of people do it. Depends a bit on support from your partner, I think.

I worked full time in various hospitals for five years and part time for another four, after I had children. You've got to keep up all the education/licensing requirements. There is a constant push for you to give more than the agreed upon hours. You can't easily call in sick, much less for a sick child, without it hugely impacting other staff (someone else will get called in to cover your absence). You are not really part of the staff family, because you are part time.

I made enough that it bumped us up a tax bracket, but a full third of my pay went to the expensive quality part time child care. My youngest got RSV from exposure at day care that led to ongoing respiratory issues for years.

That was all twenty years ago. When I initially took a break, the thought was that I would go back when the kids were older. Then I was homeschooling and going back never happened.

[Melissa Louise]

44 minutes ago, MoyaPechal said:

My husband works in a very specific part of the intelligence community. There aren't any jobs for him anywhere else. And we did try to move for years with no success at finding jobs. It's just not happening. We're definitely priced out of the housing market here unless we move 2 hours from the city or inherit money.

I know how difficult it is, being tied by employment to a HCOL area but being priced out of the housing market. It's really tough. 

In retrospect, it's a situation that requires two incomes. At least 1.5. But of course, childcare can eat up the .5 until children go to school, and that brings its own issues, especially if you have kids with any kind of extra needs. 

Keep your hand in at something. Study while at home if you wish to retrain. Keep your employment gap as small as you can realistically make it. That would be my advice. 

But also, sometimes a situation is what it is. Do your best, make the best decisions you can, knowing no-one has a crystal ball to see the future, and don't waste the time you have with fretting over choices. There will likely be no perfect decision, and all paths come with pros and cons. 

Best of luck. 

 

 

[Garga]

I’ve felt richly fulfilled staying home with my children and raising them. 

However, there has always been that niggling worry about finances should something happen to DH. 

No one else can tell you exactly what the right thing to do is. I never went to college and never had a real skill to keep up. If I had gone to college or had a real skill, then I would have wanted to keep it up.  

My plan is to get some sort of certification or AA in something and then find a little office job somewhere to bring in some extra cash when I’m done educating DS15.  I expect that I’ll work at some retail place a few hours a week while I work on getting the cert or AA.  By the time I’m done the cert/AA, I’ll have had some (completely unrelated) work experience again.  I’m not looking for a career.  Just some simple office job to bring in some extra money to go toward retirement.

But for now, as I said, I feel richly fulfilled spending my time with the family. Early on, I greatly missed the recognition from other adults at work (I worked my way up in a company to become a corporate trainer, but without a degree, I can’t just jump back in to that.).  But that faded over time. It’ll be nice to have that again, but it’s not enough of a siren call for me to give up these last couple of years with DS15. 

I really do not want to live a scrambled life where I’m dashing from task to task and commitment to commitment. I love my quiet life at home. 

Edited December 20, 2020 by Garga

[Arcadia]

1 hour ago, MoyaPechal said:

My husband works in a very specific part of the intelligence community. There aren't any jobs for him anywhere else. And we did try to move for years with no success at finding jobs. It's just not happening. We're definitely priced out of the housing market here unless we move 2 hours from the city or inherit money.

When my teens were 2 under 2, we bought a $400k condo for $20k down payment in 2006 because that was what we could afford comfortably while staying less than 10miles from work. We paid off that mortgage. 
I grew up in a 818sqft apartment and my husband also grew up in a slightly bigger apartment. So we didn’t mind a smaller home which is nearer to office. 
My husband’s job is also very niche.
 

[Amy Gen]

I also don’t feel like I have missed out on anything staying home with my children. I did teach in PS for 5 years before my oldest was born. I don’t think there is anything wrong with couples who both work and share household and childcare duties. I just knew this wasn’t for me. 
 

I told Dh when we were 19 that if he wanted to marry me, he needed to make enough money for me to stay home with our children. That was a good motivator for him. LOL. I don’t think he would have progressed as far in his career if he hadn’t had the benefit of a stay at home spouse supporting him in all areas other than financial. 
 

I haven’t been lonely or isolated staying home because I have always volunteered and had hobbies. I much prefer those to a real job. About 10 years ago, Dh asked if I planned to go back to work if I became a widow. I told him, I planned to downsize, start with subbing then go back to teaching. Not long ago, he told me that we had reached the point where I would likely not need to work again unless I wanted to. 

My 14 year old is sometimes jealous of her friends who are only children with 2 working parents because they get weekends at Tahoe and new Hummers on their 16th birthdays. I tell her to think about what it would feel like to not have siblings. Also, she is number 4 so if I only had one or two children, she wouldn’t exist. 
 

For myself, I knew what kind of family life I wanted. That is the life we have and I’m very happy that I never settled for less. 
 

 

[cintinative]

I could have written something very similar to @Garga's post .

I worked part time until my kids were about K and 1st and then we decided to homeschool, and since we could not afford babysitting anymore (because my job did not guarantee hours and my parents were not able to help), I decided to make a decision to stop playing the "I can do two things at once" game. It was just not working. I was not able to give the job and my children attention. It just didn't work. And, because the job was very much feast or famine (no work this week, too much work next), it was just too much for me to figure out.

Fast forward to about five years ago. I had always thought that maybe one day I would get a part-time job at Aldi or somewhere like that if we really needed help.  That year I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. Now I get fatigued if I physically overexert myself. Basically, by 7 p.m., I am toast, and the idea of working a physical job plus homeschool has been considered and taken out of consideration multiple times.

At this point, I feel like homeschooling is pretty close to a full-time job for me. I know many people pull off a full-time job plus a part-time job, so maybe this is my fatigue talking, but I honestly don't know how some of you do it!  I figure when they get into later high school I might have to find some sitting job (call center or something) to help pay for things. For now, we are scrimping and living frugally and trying to make the best of it.

Not to open another can of worms, but I was raised in a dual-income family, with a mom who developed health issues when I was young that persisted and worsened in high school. Because she felt she must work to contribute to savings (retirement, college, etc.) she refused to quit. But quite honestly, we all lost out. My mom had no time or energy for me most of the time and I really, really needed her. I grew up thinking her job was way more important than any of us. She gave all her best energies to her job. Or at least that is how it seemed to us, and still seems to us, years later.  

So, respectfully, as much as I agree that it is important to have your financial house in order, and that the mental and social stimulation of work is good, I think there can be other valid considerations. 

 

[MoyaPechal]

51 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

When my teens were 2 under 2, we bought a $400k condo for $20k down payment in 2006 because that was what we could afford comfortably while staying less than 10miles from work. We paid off that mortgage. 
I grew up in a 818sqft apartment and my husband also grew up in a slightly bigger apartment. So we didn’t mind a smaller home which is nearer to office. 
My husband’s job is also very niche.
 

Yeah, we can afford a condo but they all allow smoking and I have severe asthma. I'm not willing to take the risk that we end up next to a smoker.

[MoyaPechal]

45 minutes ago, Amy Gen said:

I also don’t feel like I have missed out on anything staying home with my children. I did teach in PS for 5 years before my oldest was born. I don’t think there is anything wrong with couples who both work and share household and childcare duties. I just knew this wasn’t for me. 
 

I told Dh when we were 19 that if he wanted to marry me, he needed to make enough money for me to stay home with our children. That was a good motivator for him. LOL. I don’t think he would have progressed as far in his career if he hadn’t had the benefit of a stay at home spouse supporting him in all areas other than financial. 
 

I haven’t been lonely or isolated staying home because I have always volunteered and had hobbies. I much prefer those to a real job. About 10 years ago, Dh asked if I planned to go back to work if I became a widow. I told him, I planned to downsize, start with subbing then go back to teaching. Not long ago, he told me that we had reached the point where I would likely not need to work again unless I wanted to. 

My 14 year old is sometimes jealous of her friends who are only children with 2 working parents because they get weekends at Tahoe and new Hummers on their 16th birthdays. I tell her to think about what it would feel like to not have siblings. Also, she is number 4 so if I only had one or two children, she wouldn’t exist. 
 

For myself, I knew what kind of family life I wanted. That is the life we have and I’m very happy that I never settled for less. 
 

 

I'm sure you weren't intending to be hurtful, but that was incredibly insensitive when I expressed in this thread that I have an only child and it says in my signature that both her siblings are dead.

[HS Mom in NC]

1 minute ago, MoyaPechal said:

I'm sure you weren't intending to be hurtful, but that was incredibly insensitive when I expressed in this thread that I have an only child and it says in my signature that both her siblings are dead.

Not everyone has settings that show signatures.  I don't see them on mine, and not everyone reads every single post before responding due to limited time. 

[Arcadia]

7 minutes ago, MoyaPechal said:

Yeah, we can afford a condo but they all allow smoking and I have severe asthma. I'm not willing to take the risk that we end up next to a smoker.

I have asthma too and cigarette smoke is a trigger. My condo complex do not allow smoking even at personal patios so the complex is basically smoke free. 
 

Having smokers for neighbors is tricky because smokers could smoke in townhomes’ patios and single family homes’ patios and backyards too. It’s just part of the risk of being a home owner. 

[Scarlett]

10 minutes ago, MoyaPechal said:

I'm sure you weren't intending to be hurtful, but that was incredibly insensitive when I expressed in this thread that I have an only child and it says in my signature that both her siblings are dead.

Lots of us have only children.  She was just telling her experience like you told about yours. I don’t understand how that is hurtful to you.

[Shoeless]

51 minutes ago, MoyaPechal said:

I'm sure you weren't intending to be hurtful, but that was incredibly insensitive when I expressed in this thread that I have an only child and it says in my signature that both her siblings are dead.

I can't see your signature. I had no idea this was the case until you said something. I am sorry for your painful loss. ❤️

 

[Not_a_Number]

I don’t see siggies on my phone. So it wasn’t personal, OP ❤️

[Lecka]

I don’t know if it is a good idea financially.  I think it is something to look at with your husband.

There’s a big difference between a couple not having vacations, or not having everything as nice as it would be with two incomes...... and not reaching basic goals without two incomes (or 1.5 incomes like a pp said).

A lot of couples can make it work while kids are little, and then the wife goes back to work — and there is a reason for this!  And a lot of times it is not what is the top choice, but it is what will work.

 

 

 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

1 hour ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

Not everyone has settings that show signatures.  I don't see them on mine, and not everyone reads every single post before responding due to limited time. 

Most phones don’t show signatures.  I haven’t seen a signature in years.

[Guest]

For me, it wasn't that I never worked at all, in two decades. I *thought* I was doing the smart thing. I went to college, I served on the board at co-op, and I operated dh's businesses for years, learning QuickBooks entirely on my own. I *thought* what I was doing was the smart way because I *thought* that if/when I needed/wanted to return to FT work, I would not be twenty-years rusty and with no idea what computer programs were used, no idea how to do any of that stuff, no education since the eighties. This is what I *thought* I was doing. I didn't realize that's not how I would be perceived. Very naive of me, I'm sure, but it never occurred to me that people would see dates of "199X" on my resume and instantly deem me out of the loop. 

I think, if asked by a younger mom or if any of my kids asked, I would now say it is better for both parents to stay relevantly connected to their profession throughout raising kids. 

I remember a bunch of years ago, I read in Rick Edelman's book about finances an account of how one should assess whether having one parent stay at home should be evaluated. I remember how I bristled at the very notion! But I realize now in retrospect what good advice that was, if only I had listened to it. 

[Amy Gen]

I apologize. 
 

I can not see signatures on my iPad. I actually didn’t even read all of the previous responses. 
 

I certainly wish that I had phrased my comment in a way that wasn’t hurtful. 

I’m sorry for being insensitive. 

[Garga]

Interesting. Someone on this thread lost her DH only a few weeks ago and she has responded to the OP with some very real insights, and I thought the OP responded in a bit of a dismissive way.  Of course, I figured that the OP had no idea that the woman replying to her just lost her husband in the past few weeks and so she didn’t realize she was being dismissive to the one person who 100% understands her concerns about being financially vulnerable in the event of a husband’s death.

Yes, we can say hurtful things here on the boards, but it’s usually out of ignorance and not malice.  In a different thread, someone was responding rather flippantly to someone about children to a boardie who lost a child traumatically. We quickly filled her in because she was totally out of line, but of course she didn’t realize it. And of course she was mortified and apologized. 

 

[Laura Corin]

On 12/19/2020 at 3:34 PM, KungFuPanda said:

I’ve ‘enjoyed’ my life, but the rest of them have benefitted in that they’ve had a great set-up and will reap future benefits/security because of my labor. My security is attached to other people.  I think my next chapter in life will be about shoring up my own financial security so I won’t burden my daughter or reduce mine and my son’s standard of living should something suddenly happen to Dh. 

Yes. My father died relatively young. Even though there were massive emotional difficulties dealing with my elderly mother's situation, enormous house price increases in her area meant that once the house was sold she became financially very comfortable.  That's not the financial world I am aging into. 

So I went back to work full time and will work until at least age 67, when government retirement benefits start for me. I don't love my job, but I don’t hate it either, and I'm very grateful that it remains stable.

Husband's benefits start in late 2022. He manages our rental property. If he dies now, I  can support myself.  If I  die now, my death in service benefit covers him until government and other pension money starts. Since we downsized this year, we are mortgage free. We have one paid-for car. Youngest child graduates this year.

[Guest]

13 hours ago, cintinative said:

Not to open another can of worms, but I was raised in a dual-income family, with a mom who developed health issues when I was young that persisted and worsened in high school. Because she felt she must work to contribute to savings (retirement, college, etc.) she refused to quit. But quite honestly, we all lost out. My mom had no time or energy for me most of the time and I really, really needed her. I grew up thinking her job was way more important than any of us. She gave all her best energies to her job. Or at least that is how it seemed to us, and still seems to us, years later.  

I’m sorry that was your experience of your mom. My mother almost never WOH, but I still felt she put other things ahead of us. For example, she had boundless energy and input for the church. She used her prodigious creative skills to make costumes for VBS and Christmas plays at church; she spent hours calling people from church who needed an ear. But she didn’t have an ear for me when I was a severely depressed teen. 

I grew up thinking her church was way more important than any of us. So it isn’t necessarily paid work that creates this illusion.