S/O Inclusivity

[Amy Gen]

I’m trying to understand when it is okay to just want to have a friend or two over and when that is excluding. I asked my kids what a clique is and they said, “A way to try to make you feel guilty for having friends.” So I looked up the definition and it is a group that is reluctant to let others in. 
 

So what if you have a group in a neighborhood where some of the kids get together because they enjoy each other and their families have similar values and behavioral expectations. It is easy on the moms to host because the kids get along and they don’t have to be constantly corrected. 
 

Now maybe their are families in the neighborhood who are not invited over as often. When they are, there are always conflicts and the moms have to police the play dates in a way that isn’t usually necessary. But when a new family moves in who share the values and parenting style of the group, they are instantly welcomed in and treated as family. Is that a clique? 
 

In my imaginary scenario, no one is getting bullied or picking on anyone. They just have preferences for who they enjoy spending time with. Also, the families who are not as included have other friends from school and activities so I’m not thinking of lonely kids that have no friends at all. 
 

I’m trying to teach my young adults that they don’t have to keep giving and giving to people who just want to take and that they don’t have to be responsible for everyone else’s problems. At the same time, I feel like my younger children get so much pressure that they have to like everyone the same and it is somehow wrong to have preferences. 
 

Here is one example. We know some of us feel happy with just a couple of close friends while others what a big circle with lots of activities and socializing. When someone has a big birthday party at a water park or something similar, my kids just dread going. For their birthdays, they want to have 2-4 friends over. Some years, they just want to bring one friend along to a fancy dinner. Pretty soon, it becomes apparent that they really don’t have much in common with the kid having their birthday at the water park because they enjoy such different things. 
 

I know there are people here who always invite everyone no matter what. I’m not trying to argue or justify anything. I’m just trying to wrap my head around what that would be like. 
 

 

[fairfarmhand]

I have little experience with neighborhood dynamics, but I would think that outdoors in public areas like the front yard or street or parks the nice thing to do would be to include all who wants to play. But in private areas (backyard/indoors), it would be ok to play with one or two friends. Adults should always be warm and friendly, despite common ground or not. 

it’s always good to have occasional get togethers where all are invited. I tell my kids that we can have some friends who are closer than others but it won’t kill you to play a board game with someone who isn’t your bestie for 2 hours a month.

for me, the more challenging kids get invited with parents along. And, one helpful thing for challenging people is to have concrete end times for things “we’re having a game time from 2-4 on Thursday.” Open ended stuff is a nightmare.

ive found that if we can keep doors open, and things on friendly terms, everyone can accept the fact that some groups are closer than others. 

[Amy Gen]

That makes complete sense to me. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

For me, it's the social aspect of shunning others that makes it a clique.  Having close friends doesn't mean that you can't be nice and kind to others.  It does mean though that you don't talk about the small birthday party in front of someone who wasn't invited.  And you don't have the birthday party in the front yard where other kids are going to see it and not feel included.  That's just good manners. 

But the flip side of this is that people need to understand that people are not obligated to like you or to include you on a more personal level.  They should be friendly and kind but you are not entitled to friendship.  Not everyone clicks with each other the same way.  And if "everyone" around you seems to avoid you, perhaps the problem is with the (generic) "you" and not everyone else. 

[fairfarmhand]

Younger kids also need to be specifically taught how to be kind and welcoming, particularly with kids they don’t have much in common with. Chit chat is annoying for many of us, but it also has a function of saying “hey, I see you. We don’t have tons in common, but I notice that you’re there and I don’t hate you!” It’s just a way of being warm and friendly. 
 

I also remind my kids continually, yes, you can have preferences but don’t forget that you may come across in ways that you don’t realize if your not making an effort to reach out. Smiling, making eye contact, saying hi, merry Christmas, etc are small ways of making sure that you’re being friendly without saying “please be my best friend”

[Amy Gen]

4 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

Smiling, making eye contact, saying hi, merry Christmas, etc are small ways of making sure that you’re being friendly without saying “please be my best friend”

This is a good reminder for me to practice. 

[SKL]

My kids plan get-togethers based on which of their friends get along well.  So there is one girl who isn't invited when certain others come over.  (We plan other outings that do include that girl, without the other kids.)  This is for the comfort of all parties.  It is not out of meanness.  But nowadays, this is one of the things people like to call "bullying."  I am glad to see this topic up for discussion.

(My kids do know not to talk about friend get-togethers around those who were not invited.  One hopes their friends have that much sense also.)

Edited December 9, 2020 by SKL

[Amy Gen]

17 minutes ago, SKL said:

My kids do know not to talk about friend get-togethers around those who were not invited.  One hopes their friends have that much sense also

That is a given as far as I’m concerned. 

[Lecka]

My daughter was excluded by a neighbor and it was nothing like what you are saying.

It’s a long story, but it ended up that the neighbor child wanted to be friends with my daughter and then the neighbor parent was interested.

Well — by then my daughter wasn’t interested!

It was too bad because we were neighbors and they could have been friends, sigh.

But I think the other mom made some snap judgments about me, and my parenting, and — just thought her kids were so much better behaved.  Her younger daughter ended up being — totally fine to me, but not as well-behaved as the older daughter in the family.

The other mom thought my son was poorly behaved, that was the whole issue.  Well — I got him help for his behavior issues over time, and my daughter and her daughter just missed out on what they could have had.

I think there was a big helping of — somebody who only has daughters, involved. And someone who never thought one of her own kids would ever not be perfect.

 

[HS Mom in NC]

We have to be realistic all round.  Yes, it's important for each of us to take it on ourselves to welcome and include new neighbors/neighbor kids into the neighborhood/neighbor kids activities with a genuinely warm attitude assuming the best of everyone involved. 

That doesn't mean natural consequences magically disappear.  If, when included, we do socially unacceptable things we have to expect we could be less welcome.  Things like: 

1. Speaking disrespectfully to those in the group.
2. Speaking disrespectfully of others not present.
3. Not taking turns.
4. Not respecting personal space or physical space.
5. Over-stepping emotional or physical boundaries.
6. Endangering/harming people or their property.
7. Monopolizing conversations or activities.
8. Not being a good listener when others speak.
9. Not engaging in fair play.
10.  Not responding appropriately to what's being said or done.
11. Not reading social cues that send subtler messages that our words or actions aren't welcome.
12. Over-reacting to reasonable words or actions.
13. Not reciprocating when appropriate.
14. Not contributing our fair share.
15. Not being reasonably flexible.
16. Making sweeping generalizations about individuals or groups.
17. Not adjusting behavior to the environment/circumstance.
18. Personality differences.
19. Worldview differences.
20. Moral/values differences.
21. General attitude and demeanor differences.
22. Making incorrect negative assumptions about people.

And the like are examples of reasons people will shy away after initial contact.

I'm going to detail some examples in two different contexts so people can better understand where I'm coming from.

 That's why what I call "stealth" homeschool groups exist. (And other types of groups.)  Those are invitation only groups that people don't usually talk about or talk about as "closed", implying they're full.  After a member of a stealth group has been around a person in an open group that they think would mix well with the stealth group, they'll privately invite them to join. 

If someone is upset that the idea of this, they probably haven't homeschooled very long.  The stealth group I was in was "closed" art class.  If we talked about outside the group it was about the art class for the kids that was full, not as both an art class AND a close social group for the moms.

If you think everyone should've been invited, ask yourself if every homeschooler you know of would fit in this group of women who openly nurse toddlers and preschoolers, including twins at the same time, to the age of 4ish in front of others, including other member's kids,  No, they didn't use nursing blankets to cover up. They all talked co-sleeping and attachment parenting. They were all vaccine choice advocates, making different decisions from each other about it and fully supporting the others in their choices for their own kids.  And they were all more rigorous classical education types, so they talked primarily about those kinds of resources in detail, including Latin.  And most had 4-5 kids who are not quite free range, but given more freedom to be unsupervised on a farm where we met with a trampoline for hours before and after class.  Their politics and religion ran all over the spectrum from far left liberal to far right conservative and their ongoing, regular  discussions about such were very pleasant and respectful in spite of starkly different convictions.  The hostess also hosted an annual elaborate Harry Potter Party, so books and movies were frequent discussion for the kids.

Now count how many homeschoolers you personally know who would fit very comfortably in that environment and thrive.

Do they ONLY spend time with the people in that stealth group?  Not.at.all. The people in that group were invited in by members from our other social circles (me from a homeschool PE Class) that didn't have most of those characteristics.  And the members of that group didn't give a rat's rear who members socialized with inside or outside the group.   There was no approval process with other members of the group about members inviting a new person in-the understanding was that it had to be someone who was going to enjoy the nature of the group and not be upset about the characteristics of the topics covered in the group, the behavioral norms of the group, the general interests of the group, and the extremely tolerant tone of the widely diverse group. So, no.  It's wasn't a clique, it was invitation only.

Yes, we had invited a few people in who turned out to be a bad fit or their kids were.  They typically got upset in political or religious discussions, not being as tolerant (I don't mean approving, I mean tolerant) or are bothered by/unable to handle  the lower levels of supervision for outdoor play.  They choose not to come back, and no one followed up with them to invite them back.  The person I misjudged, thinking she'd be a good fit, is still a close friend of mine years after inviting her to that group and listening to her political rant in response to conversation.  Not every group is for every person.

The same thing can happen in neighborhood adult dynamics and neighborhood kid play. In our neighborhood we have a handful of kids who do very well with each other, and a few that struggle with group dynamics.  Kids aren't equipped to solve those problems. When it turns to regular conflict, kids do what their parents usually advise them to do: stay away from kids who repeatedly cause trouble and gravitate to kids who usually handle basic kid dynamics reasonably well.

They also tend to divide up according to developmental stages: littles, bigs, tweens, teens. Their abilities and interests typically change based on developmental stage.  As long as they're willing to give other kids in roughly the stage a fair chance of participating, then it's fine.  If they decide not to allow a troublesome child to continue, there's no reason to label it as cliquish.

[Bambam]

I've seen this several ways. Moms who get their feelings hurt because their child(ren) were not invited to every possible peer's birthday party, but yet they don't invite every possible peer to their kid's bday party. 

I arranged events for every teen in our homeschool group.  All were welcome to come, but I did ask no younger children come, but if moms had to bring them, please keep them separate from the teen group. That seemed to work. 

But in my home, we invited the kids that my kids wanted invited. In the beginning, we included some kids who were fringe kids (not very active but around sometimes), and a couple of those really clicked. But it's my home, and I'm not inviting every possible teen. First - my house isn't big enough. Second - I can't afford to keep feeding all these kids. Third - some of them are just unpleasant and my kids don't want to be around them. I don't feel like we had a clique (although I'm equally sure others did), we had a friend group. All the teens were considerate (well mannered) enough to not mention their friend get-togethers in public. However, I probably did the terrible thing, and sometimes posted photos of the events on FB. I know that quite possibly some might have gotten hurt feelings because they weren't invited, but relatives (of my kids, of other kids) enjoyed seeing what their grandchildren were up to. They enjoyed being able to put a face to a name that their grandchildren talked about. 

I also had some teens who kept trying to convince me to let them bring random other people, and I sometimes agreed (all headed to another activity together later, needed to ride together, or friend from out of town over for a visit, that sort of thing). The one were they just wanted to bring along random co-workers? Nope.  That doesn't work for me. And I feel no guilt. 

Call me hard-hearted, but I cannot worry about what others might think all the time. My kids were always willing to talk to any other kids at all public events - unless other child was unpleasant, vulgar, gossipy, etc - and then they would remove themselves from said person. I mean, isn't that what adults do too? 

There will always be some friends that you are closer to. There will always be some people that are acquaintances but not really friends. I think a clique is when the people in the clique actively won't have anything to do with anyone outside of said clique. 

[catz]

To me, social events shouldn't be planned or talked about or preferably done in eyesight of others.  Obnoxious party posting on social media is gross to me too.  Though if you're using your yard, I get that can be touchy for neighbors.  People really should be able to use their yard how they want.  That said, I'm a lot less touchy about this over the years.  In the other thread, I can imagine a scenario where a couple moms talked about doing Santa, it came together last minute, it was very word of mouth and the new family got forgotten.  And then slightly socially inept moms might just avoid instead of saying "oh gosh, sorry we didn't ask if you might be interested in X, it came together really late".   Or I could see getting a package for 4 families or whatever and not wanting it to get bigger or crazier than that.  I would not hold that against them.  Especially during a covid year.  Honestly, I wouldn't be excited about getting in range of all those people right now at all even outside and I wouldn't want to go door to door to ask around who was interested either.   If there were ongoing shunning over a decent length of time.   People have their comfort zones and default there.  And they may not be BFF types, but they may be fine for front yard chatting and kids playing.  And over time, who knows maybe you'll gel with some.  We had a lot of that here, I have MANY neighborhood acquaintances but haven't really talked to anyone other than saying hi to immediate neighbors.   

That said over the years I've heard other moms making plans with each other in my living room or yard while I am literally hosting an event.  HELLO!? Rude.  There was a girl at our homeschool co-op for a few years who every week would tell my daughter about what she was doing in terms of playdates, birthday parties, etc and never invited my kid.  I mean into the teen years.  Drove  me nuts actually but I know there is Autism in her family and both her and her mom seemed to have issues with social norms so I tried to help keep that in perspective for my kid.  Oh and there was the time the neighbor kid across the street came over to play with my son saying her mom was "really busy".  Her mom called her home a couple hours later.  For her own birthday party with 20 kids.  That my kid wasn't invited to.  And yes, my kid did invite her to his birthday parties.   Honestly, that mom is really "off" with her manners and social norms too and hindsight I suspect more was going on there.  That said, I avoid that family to this day even though they are across the street.

I have seen and heard about a number of things I didn't get invited to over the years or my kids.  Some of them stung a little bit.  But I also appreciated some smaller connections and groupings I've had over the years where I didn't feel like I had to work so hard at being inclusive in conversation, etc.  So I really try to keep it in perspective.  As someone who was raised to keep the peace and prioritize other people's comfort, I have tried to instill in my own kids how to be polite in larger groups.  But I've also really let them know that do not need to be friends with everyone and we do not need to be inclusive every time.  

[Lecka]

This didn’t bother my son and so it didn’t bother me — but I thought it was odd — but a parent in my oldest son’s pre-school really sought out a friendship with another parent, and for her son to be friends with that son.  My son was also friends with both boys.  All the boys were nice kids.

The mom really wanted to go shopping and buy matching outfits that the two boys would then wear to pre-school.

I thought “oh, I hope my son doesn’t notice and have hurt feelings.”  He didn’t — so it was fine.

But I thought it was a little over-the-top ——— because I knew it was from the one mom, it wasn’t from the kids.  I wouldn’t think the same about kids wanting to do it.

The other mom quit because her son didn’t want to do it, after probably two times.

Well — I think that is also very different from what OP is describing. 

[Lecka]

I have also had lessened relationships because of thinking my sons needed more supervision.  
 

With my sons I just could not do things where moms chatted while kids played in another part of the house. 
 

To me that kind of thing is very natural.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

1 minute ago, Lecka said:

This didn’t bother my son and so it didn’t bother me — but I thought it was odd — but a parent in my oldest son’s pre-school really sought out a friendship with another parent, and for her son to be friends with that son.  My son was also friends with both boys.  All the boys were nice kids.

The mom really wanted to go shopping and buy matching outfits that the two boys would then wear to pre-school.

I thought “oh, I hope my son doesn’t notice and have hurt feelings.”  He didn’t — so it was fine.

But I thought it was a little over-the-top ——— because I knew it was from the one mom, it wasn’t from the kids.  I wouldn’t think the same about kids wanting to do it.

The other mom quit because her son didn’t want to do it, after probably two times.

Well — I think that is also very different from what OP is describing. 

That's weirdly boundary pushing in my mind.  Like you are "creating twins"? 

[Jean in Newcastle]

1 minute ago, Lecka said:

I have also had lessened relationships because of thinking my sons needed more supervision.  
 

With my sons I just could not do things where moms chatted while kids played in another part of the house. 
 

To me that kind of thing is very natural.  

We choose relationships that mesh in all sorts of ways.  I would think that supervision is one of those ways.

I had a mom who I felt badly for because her son (with RAD and other disorders) had very few friends.  We were friends over the years.  But . . .   it got to be a burden when my 9 year old was literally having to keep the other boy from throwing himself impulsively headfirst off of the jungle gym.  The mom was understandably tired of having to supervise her son heavily but the alternative just wasn't workable - or healthy. 

[Spryte]

1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:

I have little experience with neighborhood dynamics, but I would think that outdoors in public areas like the front yard or street or parks the nice thing to do would be to include all who wants to play. But in private areas (backyard/indoors), it would be ok to play with one or two friends. Adults should always be warm and friendly, despite common ground or not. 

it’s always good to have occasional get togethers where all are invited. I tell my kids that we can have some friends who are closer than others but it won’t kill you to play a board game with someone who isn’t your bestie for 2 hours a month.

for me, the more challenging kids get invited with parents along. And, one helpful thing for challenging people is to have concrete end times for things “we’re having a game time from 2-4 on Thursday.” Open ended stuff is a nightmare.

ive found that if we can keep doors open, and things on friendly terms, everyone can accept the fact that some groups are closer than others. 

That’s how it’s worked out here.  In pre-pandemic times, anyway.  We live at the end of a cul de sac where dozens of kids gather.  The cul de sac is public, all are obviously welcome.  Our front yard is available for play for most everyone, but they have to be introduced to me.  We have some enforced behavior expectations, and it includes being welcoming to most kids (there are a few that I simply don’t allow to play here). Generally, we give out water and popsicles at times, sometimes I’ll make treats or lemonade, if they are hanging in the porch couches.  I used to walk home with any new kids to pass on my cell number/address so parents know where there kids are and we can discuss any issues that arose, if they are open to that. Any younger kids are immediately told that they may not go near the pond on our property.  Older kids are fine.  Younger kids that I catch at the water’s edge ... I tell their parents, and send them home for the day. We usually had 11-20 kids in the cul de sac and/or front yard.

The backyard area is more for closer friends.  Invitation only.  There is a pond, trampoline, pavilion, kid-built fort area. It’s generally a place where the older kids hang out and talk.  Or special friends are invited to work on the fort or fairy garden.  No crowds. The trampoline required my permission, the kids’ parents’ permission, and anyone who didn’t follow our rules didn’t get to use it again.  

Inside is invitation only, reserved for  the best friends (my kid’s BFF is next door and goes in and out of our house like it’s his own.  Or did, pre-pandemic).

Our first few parties here were huge, and we did invite everyone, because I didn’t want kids obviously walking to a party and making anyone feel left out.  Parents were also invited.  After that, we narrowed things down a bit. 

We made an effort to get to know any parents who were open to it.  Lots of hanging out with neighbors on porches in the afternoons, early evening.  Firepits at night.

On the last day of school we have a fire and s’mores, and invite everyone.  Parents, too.  Ditto Halloween - firepit in front with chili, butter beer, visiting area to chat. 

If my kids had someone specific over to play, we opened the door and said, “not today, we have guests.”  Or if we were having a family day, we’d say so.  

With Covid, that’s all changed.  Kids play in household groups only, and spend a lot of time texting and talking that way or doing occasional social distance walks.  I miss the old days, despite the occasional drama.

I have two sets of parents here that we consider good friends, and socialize even without kids. Most of the others are neighbors, we wave and chat.  Sometimes visit, but not often.

[Carol in Cal.]

Depends on the occasion.

For birthday parties or other events like that I was kind of all or nothing.  Either we don’t invite anyone from a group or we invite everyone from that group.  

For play dates, not so much.  

Our neighborhood was not all that kid-intensive, so the neighborhood exclusion issue did not really come up.  

[mom2scouts]

2 hours ago, SKL said:

My kids plan get-togethers based on which of their friends get along well.  So there is one girl who isn't invited when certain others come over.  (We plan other outings that do include that girl, without the other kids.)  This is for the comfort of all parties.  It is not out of meanness.  But nowadays, this is one of the things people like to call "bullying."  I am glad to see this topic up for discussion.

(My kids do know not to talk about friend get-togethers around those who were not invited.  One hopes their friends have that much sense also.)

If only the parents knew this. So many of the parents like to post tons of party and fun social events all over social media so the kids who weren't invited to the big party are sure to find out.  Like the recent "Look at us with 15 kids over for X's big party!" with pictures showing all the kids who were invited.

I should add that I think it's fine to have different groups of friends at different times and people aren't able to invite everyone to everything. It would be nice to see people be a little more respectful of other children's feelings though.

Edited December 9, 2020 by mom2scouts

[Amy Gen]

For my friend group, we often have a big event with everyone, but then have what I call “the after party”. It might just be stopping for dinner or boba together on the way home, or it might be a catered get together at someone’s house. 
 

We allow the kids to take pictures for themselves, but remind them that they can’t put any of them on social media because not everyone was invited. 
 

There is one family who has been invited a couple of times, but their kids want to dictate what restaurant we go to and pout and don’t go if they don’t get their way. So now they don’t get invited any longer. One of DD’s friends said, “Sometimes people just exclude themselves.”

That is an interesting point of view. 
 

The first time we were invited to an after party, I told my husband that it was like Greatest Showman. I didn’t care how tired he was, we had to go and be social so our kid could get accepted into the group. My daughter has food allergies, and sometimes we met at restaurants where all she could have is water. She was still excited to go and visit with her friends while they ate. 
 

The other mother admitted that her kids only want to go if everything is exactly they way they want it, but they still want to be invited every single time. I told her that is what we all want, but that just isn’t how the world works. You can’t put in zero effort and zero comprise and expect to get something back. 
 

Another friend has kids that I didn’t really love how they behaved when they were younger. I realized that I’m super sensory sensitive. Everything bugs me. She wasn’t correcting her kids because their behavior wasn’t bothering her. I came to see that as a gift. She is great with all kinds of kids that get negative attention from others because she is so easy going and not prickly like I am. I’m really glad that I didn’t write her off and make assumptions about her parenting just because she allowed behaviors I wouldn’t have. Our kids are not compatible at all, but that doesn’t stop us from being friends and socializing without them. 

[Shoeless]

We live in the country, so we don't have the "neighborhood kid" dynamic happening. 

We had a lot of issues pop up in the local homeschool group.  It was non-stop drama, bad enough that I started researching every private school within an hour of me, because I was so burned out on dealing with mom-generated drama that trickled down to the kids.

And yes, we too have dealt with the family that would only attend if every detail of the event was exactly how mom and kids wanted it. If it wasn't, they griped and groaned about it and tried to hijack the event. When I stopped inviting them, they griped that they felt excluded and I was being a "mean girl" and cliquish.  😠  

[Ausmumof3]

I reckon one reason many of us have massive negative associations around the whole exclusion thing is because of school.  In school most likely if half the class are doing something and the other half aren’t it is because the kids are being exclusive, cliquey and most likely its part of a bigger picture.  Some of us have kind of carried those hang ups into adulthood and either get offended by not being included or get paranoid about not including everyone etc.  I know I’ve upset people once with a specific party scenario but it wasn’t meant to be like that.  It was meant to be a smallish party, due to circumstances two extra families ended up included at the last minute leaving a couple of other families feeling like they were the only ones that weren’t part of it.  I did agonise over not adding them but I find hosting pretty hard and was already stressing over the addition of another 10 people without making it another 20.

 

On the other hand our kids and ourselves can learn to be kind and inclusive in public spaces.  Not being invited to every event ever or being best friends with everyone is not harmful in normal day to day life, but the kind of intensity of a school environment can make these kind of situations more harmful than they would normally be.

[Tap]

My general rule.

If an event or playdate is in view of everyone (ie sitting at a neighborhood pool, out front of houses, cul-de-sac chat) then everyone is invited. If it is behind a fence, door or offsite area, then we only invite who we want to invite.

[HS Mom in NC]

Family dynamics can play a conditioning role too.  If you come from a family that doesn't have an "everyone, every time" policy, you get very comfortable with not being invited everything, knowing everyone gets invited to somethings in different combinations.  I was riased with a biological brother 11 months older than me, 2 step-brothers 8 and 9 years older than me, and a step-sister  2 years older than me briefly for a year on alternate weekends, then she was gone until adulthood. As adults we have always had different combinations of invitees. 

My biological brother and I always hike and camp together, we occasionally invite his wife, and one step-brother's and his wife and their families along on easy hikes.  All of those people are genuinely into that sort thing and usually accept. 

Brother and I "audition" people for every challenging hikes by inviting them on a series of increasing difficult ones.  Those who do well physically and psychologically get invited on the next most challenging hike.  We will not invite anyone unfit-including his spouse who like to hike on the hard ones because she isn't fit for them.

Brother and step-brothers do things together that none of the rest of us (sister and spouses) are invited to do.

Everyone is invited to Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Fourth of July, and fall/spring BBQs and are allowed to invite anyone else.

The women go to movies (not just chick flicks) and meals together and none of the guys are invited.

Sometimes my mom and step-dad invite just one or two of the adult kids and their families to dinner out and other times it's the one or two two of the others. Sometimes it's everyone, known collectively as "The Hoard."

No one is upset about it.  We were all raised to understand that not everyone gets an invitation to everything, but that doesn't equal "exclusion." It all evens out in the end because we don't hyper focus on one individual event, we look at the big picture.

ETA: We can speak openly of doing our activities with family members that weren't invited, because they know there will be an invitation for them to do something in the near future or they had been invited to do something in the recent past.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I do notice anecdotally that people (I'm not speaking about my family now) who host are usually less fussy about being included or invited to events others host, and people are known for never hosting are usually the ones lodging complaints about guest lists. There's probably psychology behind that. I liken it to homeschoolers who are very quick to sign up for group events other homeschoolers coordinate, plan, and execute, but never coordinate, plan, or execute group events that invite other homeschoolers to. So there's that to be considered when discussing inclusion and exclusion too.

Edited December 10, 2020 by Homeschool Mom in AZ