Do you visit graves of family members? What happens when you do?

[Drama Llama]

Sorry for the morbid question.  I'd love to hear more details than just what the poll covers.

 

[BlsdMama]

It is my family tradition which I hate....

We visit our daughter’s grave every few years because we have family that is horrified we don’t go regularly. I think of it this way - she’s not there. It’s no comfort as it is a mere shell. And, personally, I’d prefer not to be buried because I don’t want to impose the tradition that I don’t like on others. 
 

In a very contrary way, I did appreciate visiting my grandmother’s grave once. We were in the PNW when she died. I didn’t come back for the funeral. It was cathartic to visit it and think about her a bit, but I have not been back in 5 years since the initial time. I think it provided some sort of closure. 
 

I am eager to read everyone’s thoughts and responses. 

[HS Mom in NC]

No.  My version of Christianity emphasizes immediate departure from the body at death, so we have no traditions of visiting burial sites after the day the person is buried. There is also no emphasis on type of remains disposal, so cremation is just as likely with ashes sprinkled or burried in a meaningful place, no necessarily a marked grave. 

My in-laws are the same version of Christianity, but they visit graves irregularly out of family custom. They typically leave flowers at the grave site.

[fairfarmhand]

My mother is buried in the same cemetary as my grandparents, so if I go there with my dad to visit mom's grave (which has happened maybe 3 times since she died 10 years ago) we stop by and "see" my grandparents.

My dh's grandparents are there too, so we visit them too.

It's not a regular thing. I don't take flowers or anything. 

Basically while I'm there I think about my mom and thank God that I was given 31 years to share with her. And (okayy this sounds weird, but you asked) I send messages to God in heaven to give to my mom. "Tell mama I'm thinking about her today and I still miss her. Tell her how wonderful her grandkids are and how glad I am that she taught me to be a good mom." If the weather is nice, I'll sit on the grass and just enjoy the day.

If she was buried nearby, I'd go every few months. I know my loved ones aren't there, but it is a nice place to sit and think about them and remember them. 

We have a cemetary on our property and I go and walk around there sometimes. It's a small family cemetary with some of the graves dating back over 100 years. From the dates, I think there were likely some deaths due to the Great Influenza. We will probably be buried there. I don't want to be embalmed, nor do I want a big tombstone. Something tiny, but more than that I'd love someone to plant a beautiful tree there. I like the idea of my body nourishing a tree that my great grandkids can climb. (My dh says that tree roots don't go 6 feet down, so that's actually just a flight of fancy that I have. :)) 

Edited December 1, 2020 by fairfarmhand

[mlktwins]

I've only lost my mom, but I'm the only one of my family that goes to her grave to visit.  My dad and sister do not.

I used to go regularly on special occasions (3 or 4 times a year), but I have not gone as often over the last 2 years.  My boys usually come with me and we bring flowers and/or balloons.  We always leave rocks on top of her headstone.  She is in a military burial ground.  My dad will be placed in the same grave when he passes.

ETA:  My in-laws will also be at the same burial ground when they pass.

I'm so sorry you are having to even ask these questions.

Edited December 1, 2020 by mlktwins

[gardenmom5]

I visited a great-grandmother's grave for genealogy documentation.  It's in her family plot, so her parents, her siblings, some of her nieces and nephews..  I admit, I did start cleaning the markers as they were very overgrown, and slimy with algae/moss. 

 

 

[Lecka]

I grew up making a 90-minute drive on Memorial Day.  There would be someone on the side of the road selling flowers.

My Dad’s brother died in college, I think that is the main reason we always did it.

That’s the only grave I have visited.  
 

Edit:  my Dad also made a charitable contribution to Boys Town USA in his brother’s memory every year.  

Edit:  we got flower arrangements for other relatives at the same cemetery, but it was mainly something my Dad did for his brother.  

 

Edited December 1, 2020 by Lecka

[YaelAldrich]

We visit my sister's grave at her birthday and anniversary of her death. My dad says a few words.  I leave a rock in remembrance (a Jewish tradition).  May none of us ever have to bury anyone again!

[Pawz4me]

Other - No.

I couldn't vote "no, it's not my family's tradition" because it is very much a part of our extended family's tradition. But it's not something DH or I do. I personally have never felt any inclination whatsoever to visit a deceased relative's grave. It doesn't do a thing for me. It doesn't make me feel closer to the deceased person or make me feel like I'm honoring them. I prefer to make a point of thinking of deceased loved ones during everyday life moments, and I do that often.

[Bootsie]

Growing up, I visited the cemetery often.  My parents grew up in the same small town and moved about 30 miles away when they married.  During my early childhood years a number of family members on both my mother's and father's side died and were buried in the same cemetery.  Also, a number of friends that had been close to both of my parents' families died.  I saw my cousins more frequently at the funeral home and the cemetery than any other place.  I often went with my grandmother to put artificial flower arrangements on my grandfather's grave and I had one aunt who routinely placed artificial flower arrangements on all of the family's graves.  I moved away as an adult, so I have not gone back to the cemetery often in recent years.  DH really didn't understand the stories I told of playing with my cousins at the funeral home until we visited the cemetery last year and I was explaining to my kids--here is great grandfather's grave (died January 1966), here is uncle's grave (died March 1966), here is cousin's grave (died April 1966)...  as we went past grave after grave after grave.

[Lori D.]

No. But I have not lost a child or spouse (only extended family), which might feel very different. However at this stage, I tend toward Homeschool Mom in AZ's answer, in that as a Christian, I know they are experiencing eternal life with the Heavenly Father, and that the grave is where the shell of their spirit is buried. So their memory lives on with me.

Instead, I have a variation on a memory garden, with pots of different colored miniature roses (that can be replaced from Trader Joe's, if I lose one), and each rose is special for a certain person -- several of whom still living, but who are far across the country. I like to think of them and pray for them when I water those plants. The rose for our deceased dear-as-a-brother longtime friend is yellow -- yellow roses are the traditional symbol for friendship. His birthday was in October, and every October his rose puts out yellow friendship blooms, which always feels like a special visit from him. The potted roses by my front door are more meaningful to me than visiting a grave site would be.

However, I will say that several times on trips, DH and I have walked through cemeteries, and that is always peaceful and historically interesting, and also a way of honoring those who came before us. Our walk through the cemetery at Gettysburg was very somber and weighty, remembering that tragic time in our country's history.

ETA
Also very sad for you and your family, and the circumstances prompting your question. 😢

Edited December 1, 2020 by Lori D.

[PrincessMommy]

I visit my family member's graves every so often.  Most of them are a short drive away.   I'd like to make it more of a habit, but its not part of my family's tradition so I didn't grow up doing it.  It is very much part of my religious tradition.

I recently found my great grandmother's grave in a completely different cemetary.  She died young as a result of a gunshot wound and never saw all her 5 kids grow up.  The family were immigrants and had no money so her grave is probably in the cheapest spot and very simple.  I felt a very special connection to her.

I usually say a prayer at the grave when I go.

 

[Kassia]

We used to go regularly (just me and DH), but not as much.  The cemetery we go to has many family members and friends there, so we kind of make the rounds and visit everyone at once.  It makes me very sad because so many died way too soon.  

[Junie]

I voted other.  It is my family's tradition to visit graves, but not mine.  I have never really felt a special connection in a cemetery or felt a need to visit the graves.  My dad died last year.  He was buried near some of his relatives, so I looked at their graves while I was there.  It's not really something that I do, though.

The way we remember some of our relatives is by eating their favorite dessert on their birthday.  This week marks the birthday of one of my deceased relatives.  We will remember her and I will tell my kids stories about her as we eat root beer floats.  We ate ice cream on my dad's birthday.  Circus peanuts for my grandpa's birthday.  

[RootAnn]

I grew up with that tradition. We'd visit one set of graves on one holiday & another set on another holiday. My dad would clean up the flat headstones, sometimes lifting them up or doing maintenance on them. 

When I am in the area,  I like to stop & visit my dad, my uncle, & my brother's graves -- all in the same cemetary. My aunt is in a different cemetary & I haven't gone back to see her grave yet.

I don't bring anything. My mom puts silk flowers in the flower pots by their graves. My brother's daughters bring Reese' s PB cups for his grave & take a picture of themselves there. 

I pray for their souls or ask for their intervention to God for my family depending on which one it is. 

[HS Mom in NC]

11 minutes ago, Lori D. said:

 

Instead, I have a variation on a memory garden, with pots of different colored miniature roses (that can be replaced from Trader Joe's, if I lose one), and each rose is special for a certain person -- several of whom still living, but who are far across the country. I like to think of them and pray for them when I water those plants. The rose for our deceased dear-as-a-brother longtime friend is yellow -- yellow roses are the traditional symbol for friendship. His birthday was in October, and every October his rose puts out yellow friendship blooms, which always feels like a special visit from him. The potted roses by my front door are more meaningful to me than visiting a grave site would be.

 

I have memorials to my grandmother at my home too.  I planted her favorite roses (yellow climbers) and trees (pink Dogwoods) and I refer to them as the HerFirstName HerLastName memorial roses/trees. I often gave her yellow roses on her birthday and these bloom then. She grew up in Owensboro, KY and said Dogwood trees were what she missed most about the place.  Now I live in NC and Dogwoods do well here.

My brother kept her recipe card for her lime jello salad that I marked on as a toddler (she remembered that mark fondly for some reason.)  It's framed and mounted on the wall in her honor.  It's always served in her memory at each major holiday family gathering. When he and I cleaned out her house before it went on the market we spent a solid hour looking for it, card by card in her recipe boxes.  She hadn't used the recipe in many decades because she memorized it by making it so frequently. Did either of us keep the silver?  No.  Who cares about silver. We wanted to keep that recipe card.

[Bambam]

When we were growing up, my dad liked to visit the graves of his parents a couple of times a year. He couldn't always do that as we weren't always in the same country, but when we were, he made a point to take us all with him. At least one of those times he left an artificial flower arrangement (there was a vase beside the headstone - or as part of it). Sometimes my mom wanted to go visit her dad's grave but not often. 

I've never been big on visiting graves, but I know it seems to bring comfort to others.  I do try to attend visitations and funerals, and I try to send a card to the family. For widows, I do try to send a card on their spouses birthday reminding them that others remember them as well. I've also been known to send a card sharing a memory if I see/hear/smell something that reminds me of them. 

ETA: Answering your question about what happens when you do - For my parents, their parents had been gone for quite a while - so it may be different based on how much time has passed. My dad would sometimes tell stories about his parents. I don't remember my mom ever talking about her dad though. Her mom was still living until well after I left home, so I've accompanied her to her mom's grave - which I assume is right next to her dad's since I'm pretty sure it was a double headstone. 

Edited December 1, 2020 by Bambam

[East Coast Sue]

I vote “no because I live far away from their grave site, but I’d visit if I lived closer.”

According to my faith in Christ, I don’t really believe there’s a reason to visit BUT when my mom died she was cremated. That’s what she wanted. I’m okay with it but my dad & sister privately scattered her ashes far away from where I live (which was close by where she lived & died) so I quite unexpectedly found myself unable to visit or participate in any closure to her death. I’m still torn up about this and there’s nothing I can do to have that closure so I find myself wishing there was a gravesite I could visit.  Like I said, it hit me hard and I never saw it coming. I think visiting a grave site might be an important part of the grief process for some people, like me, but maybe not everyone needs it. 

Edited December 1, 2020 by East Coast Sue

[happi duck]

I wish I had grown up with this tradition.  It would've helped to already have some sort of tradition when my mom died when I was in my 20s.

I visit graves now and find it helpful with grieving.  I visit the graves of my parents and sister in one cemetery and my other sister and her husband in another cemetery.

I did not know my grandparents.  I plan to find their graves one day.

I don't visit because I think they're "there".  It's a very specific spot to remember, a memorial.  Like any sort of public memorial the person or event is always remembered but a memorial gives a specific place.

I leave things that are from nature.

[Ailaena]

I visit irregularly, leave some flowers or a rock.  I know a few people buried in the cemetery so I visit everyone since I’m there (not that they would know otherwise).

Anything that happens to a body after death is intended to help the living come to terms with it.   Some people don’t need to visit a grave, some people need to visit as often as possible, some people plant a garden, some people have jewelry made out of ashes, some people sleep with an urn.   It’s all very personal and widely varies.  Nobody should ever be made to feel guilty for their own way of handling a death.   

[Farrar]

I visit when I'm in town and can, but I'm rarely in the places where my relatives' graves are so it's not a common thing. But I have nice memories of doing so when I've passed through sometimes. My father's grave is in a cemetery where he was the head of the cemetery board for quite awhile, so it feels like a special place for him. My grandparents' graves are in a town that meant a lot to them in a pretty old cemetery in a pretty spot.

My husband had never visited many of his relatives' graves so one year a long time ago when we were up for Thanksgiving and it was a year after his grandfather had died, he asked if we could visit the grave and possibly some of the others. It was an EXPERIENCE. We visited the grandfather's grave. That was nice and normal. But then the maternal grandparents were in the same cemetery with lots of other ancestors so we wandered over and found them. And then, at the little family plot we and my sil and bil were all musing like, oh, that person had a lovely name, that person was supposed to have been such and such way, etc. etc. And of dh's maternal great-grandmother, we were like, oh, she died quite young, we wonder what was up with that. Wonder wonder. Okay, well, people died young back in the day. Ready to move on. Pause pause as everyone thinks about various other relatives. And then mil says out of nowhere, "Well, she did kill herself you know." NO. NO, MIL, WE DID NOT KNOW THAT. You could have dropped a pin. No one said a word. And then we all left. And in the car, mil and fil and grandma-in-law were all in one car and we were in another with bil and sil and all of us were like, WHAT THE HECK!?!

[forty-two]

My family has a tradition of retelling family history whenever we go to the cemetery, finding all the family graves and tracing family connections and telling family stories, and the two main reasons for going to the cemetery has generally been to tend the graves (water flowers, pull weeds, etc) or for a funeral.  Since we (immediate family) don't live nearby to the "family cemeteries", we've also gone specifically *to* see the graves and retell family history while we are in the area.  As kids, we always really liked going to the cemetery with Grandma, to tend the graves and find the oldest ones we could; it was kind of an family in-thing, to find cemeteries interesting places to be.  When Grandma died, after the burial my mom took the grandkids to all the family graves and told the family history, just like Grandma had, and it was really meaningful - felt really appropriate.

[Ellie]

It isn't in my family's tradition, although some of the family cemeteries are taken care of by folks who live nearby, because of the historical value.

The Catholic tradition is to visit the graves, which I thought would be weird but once I went to a Catholic cemetery I discovered it wasn't weird at all; it was sort of comforting. If I lived near any family graves (they're all in Virginia and NC, and there are LOTS of them), I might begin visiting. I think I might take flowers.

[elegantlion]

I visit cemeteries. I usually go 2-3 times a year to cemetery where my dad and many of my ancestors are buried. Part of it is to recall their memory. My mom generally takes live flowers. Part of it is that it's cathartic. It's a rural cemetery in the middle of nowhere, you have to drive 45 minutes out of town to get there and the setting is just beautiful, rolling hillside with farms and more recently, wind farms in the background. My boyfriends puts rocks on the grave when we visit. I can literally go back about 5-6 generations in that one cemetery, and back about 3 more in a cemetery just down the road - which I visit about once a year. It's a place of peace for me and my mom. 

My mom doesn't feel sad when she visits, it's more of that peace. 

 

[maize]

I have fond memories of taking flowers to nearby cemeteries where relatives were buried on memorial day when I was small. We don't live particularly close to any cemeteries with family burials so don't go on memorial day but dh likes to drive down to the cemetery where his mother is buried on mother's day and/or her birthday so we do that and usually take cut flowers. There are other relatives in that cemetery so we will walk around and look at the headstones and tell the kids about them. Otherwise we have mostly been at cemeteries when there was a family burial, and we usually do take time to walk around and look at any relatives' graves in the same cemetery. My maternal grandparents are buried in a lovely little cemetery up on a hill on a tiny town in the countryside and I love to walk around there and find various ancestral grave markers.

Edited December 1, 2020 by maize

[Arcadia]

For traditional Chinese people, we have a Qing Ming festival which is like clean up ancestral graves day. 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Qingming_Festival

We typically bring flowers, fruits and food. The flowers are left behind when we leave.
 

[fairfarmhand]

2 hours ago, happi duck said:

I wish I had grown up with this tradition.  It would've helped to already have some sort of tradition when my mom died when I was in my 20s.

I visit graves now and find it helpful with grieving.  I visit the graves of my parents and sister in one cemetery and my other sister and her husband in another cemetery.

I did not know my grandparents.  I plan to find their graves one day.

I don't visit because I think they're "there".  It's a very specific spot to remember, a memorial.  Like any sort of public memorial the person or event is always remembered but a memorial gives a specific place.

I leave things that are from nature.

Theres's a website called Find A Grave that can help you with this depending on whether they have your relative's grave cataloged. 

[Tanaqui]

No. The only person I have to visit is my father - no interest in visiting the graves of my deceased grandparents and we've never been close to any of the rest of the extended family - and he's not there. I mean, yes, what remains of his body is there, one presumes, but he's gone. He didn't believe in an afterlife, I don't believe in one, so I can mourn him as easily here as anywhere else.

If I need some sort of visual or physical aid, a picture or an old possession would work better for me. If I want to show I remember him, a donation to a charity he'd approve of would work better for me. The deceased can't use flowers or anything else.

[MercyA]

I love cemeteries; always have. My grandma lives by our small town's only cemetery and so my cousins and I spent many summer holidays walking and playing there. I find cemeteries very peaceful and beautiful. I like how the stones feel warm in the sun and everything is orderly and quiet. I like looking at the old stones shaped like trees or carved with sheep and the new ones that many families make so personal, with photos and mementos. 

I don't go regularly or on special days, just when I have a chance and feel like going. I do try to find my grandparents' graves when I'm there, and, if I have time, the graves of other people I know. I don't leave anything, but I do say, "Hi, Grandma, I miss you" or words to that effect. I believe that we are surrounded by a "great cloud of witnesses" and that it's possible she can hear me. 

, BaseballandHockey.

[Tanaqui]

Sorry, it occurs to me that this sounded a bit brusque. I understand that you are grieving right now. If you feel better visiting, or think you might, then you should certainly do that.

[Lady Florida.]

I lost both of my parents and the three grandparents who I knew (the other died before I was born).

My father died when I was 14. We had already moved to Florida and my mother remarried. My dad still lived in NJ and was buried there. Unless someone took me not only up to Jersey but also to the cemetery, I couldn't visit his grave. I think if we still lived nearby I would have visited regularly but since we didn't, I came up with my own ways of remembering and honoring him. When my grandfather and later grandmother died (they had moved close to us in FL) I was an adult but by that time not in the habit of visiting a grave. My mother used to go regularly and always reminded me to go, but it just wasn't my way of remembering them. My mom died in 2008 and I know she would have wanted me to visit her grave regularly. Try as I might, it isn't something that I think of doing. Again, there are more ways to remember her than staring at a stone on the ground with her name engraved on it. I do try to go seasonally and change the flowers - always silk. 

When I go to my mom's grave I also bring flowers for my grandparents' graves (her parents). She's buried near them. I feel nothing when I visit a grave, and since I don't believe in an afterlife I don't expect to anyway. 

When I die, I want to be cremated. I don't expect anyone to "visit" me or to keep my ashes on a shelf. I want to be remembered in their everyday life, the way I remember my loved ones who've died.

[Guest]

I go to my daughter’s grave and leave flowers, sometimes live, sometimes fake. I nearly always go on her birthday, and I like to leave pink roses, though I have left other types of flowers. I remember one time, I went to the floral department in a grocery store and asked for pink roses and baby’s breath and, as it was May, the chipper sales clerk said, “Are these for prom?” And I said, “No. They are for my daughter’s grave.” I knew I was being a jerk, to shut him up like that. I couldn’t help it, though; the contrast between what I was actually doing and what he imagined I was doing was so sharp. 

Hers is the only grave I ever visit, though. 

[kbutton]

2 hours ago, Dreamergal said:

We chose to cremate and bury some of her here and take the rest of her to bury with my grandparents because I could not abide the idea of my baby girl lying alone without her family.

I have a very strong sense of connection to the place I grew up. We don't live there now. At some point when our kids are grown, we might choose to be buried where we live if they think they are going to be established here, but otherwise, I want to be buried with my ancestors. I am a Christian, so the only reason is that sense of place and a sense that my family has lived there a very, very long time. Cemeteries where I am from tend to be beautiful, and people tend to go there for relaxation, exercise, and to remember. 

I also love the continuity of the various cemeteries--they have been in use for a long time, and it's interesting to see old family plots mounded up with cart paths in between where horse-drawn carts would bring a casket for burial. 

It makes the past more alive to me, and it makes me feel connected to a sense of universal human history and experience to see and experience those details.  

A lot of people who grew up where I did and left ask to be buried in the area, so I think I am not the only one that feels that sense of place. 

3 hours ago, forty-two said:

My family has a tradition of retelling family history whenever we go to the cemetery, finding all the family graves and tracing family connections and telling family stories, and the two main reasons for going to the cemetery has generally been to tend the graves (water flowers, pull weeds, etc) or for a funeral.  Since we (immediate family) don't live nearby to the "family cemeteries", we've also gone specifically *to* see the graves and retell family history while we are in the area.  As kids, we always really liked going to the cemetery with Grandma, to tend the graves and find the oldest ones we could; it was kind of an family in-thing, to find cemeteries interesting places to be.  When Grandma died, after the burial my mom took the grandkids to all the family graves and told the family history, just like Grandma had, and it was really meaningful - felt really appropriate.

I grew up with kind of random interval visits to specific cemeteries (but walked in one local cemetery nearly daily), but when we would get to go, there were always stories. In fact, some family history I remember better because I can picture where I was, what the weather was like, what we were doing, and who we bumped into while there (often a distant relative!). 

[Guest]

 

Quote

We chose to cremate and bury some of her here and take the rest of her to bury with my grandparents because I could not abide the idea of my baby girl lying alone without her family. 

I understand this and made a similar decision about where my baby girl’s grave is, because I wanted her near family. In retrospect, that is not my favorite cemetery and I don’t like some of their rules, but it met a need for me at the time. 

[JennyD]

We no longer live near our families graves, but when we did we regularly visited my husband's grandparents' graves and sometimes visited my grandparents' graves.  We leave rocks, as Yael mentioned is the Jewish tradition.

All of these people are buried in enormous, ethnic-specific cemeteries outside NYC so the other part of the tradition is getting lost and arguing about where the graves are.  "They're behind the Rosensteins!  I remember from last time!"  "No, it's the RosenZWEIGs, not the RosenSTEINS!  Turn left at the Cohens and then they're behind the Rosenzweigs." "Are you sure?  That doesn't seem right ..."

 

[Drama Llama]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

 

I understand this and made a similar decision about where my baby girl’s grave is, because I wanted her near family. In retrospect, that is not my favorite cemetery and I don’t like some of their rules, but it met a need for me at the time. 

Yeah burying my child with family somehow seemed really important both to him (he picked) and to me.

He is buried with his great grandmother.  Her husband visits every week.  So whatever I decide he won’t be neglected.  Not that I believe he’s actually there but it is still somehow comforting. 

[fairfarmhand]

3 hours ago, MercyA said:

I love cemeteries; always have. My grandma lives by our small town's only cemetery and so my cousins and I spent many summer holidays walking and playing there. I find cemeteries very peaceful and beautiful. I like how the stones feel warm in the sun and everything is orderly and quiet. I like looking at the old stones shaped like trees or carved with sheep and the new ones that many families make so personal, with photos and mementos. 

I don't go regularly or on special days, just when I have a chance and feel like going. I do try to find my grandparents' graves when I'm there, and, if I have time, the graves of other people I know. I don't leave anything, but I do say, "Hi, Grandma, I miss you" or words to that effect. I believe that we are surrounded by a "great cloud of witnesses" and that it's possible she can hear me. 

, BaseballandHockey.

I love cemeteries too! I don't like as much the large commercial ones with identical flat to the ground headstones, but I really like the ones with upright tombstones, monuments, and statues. Especially love tiny family cemeteries with very old graves. I find them fascinating. 

[fairfarmhand]

34 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

Yeah burying my child with family somehow seemed really important both to him (he picked) and to me.

He is buried with his great grandmother.  Her husband visits every week.  So whatever I decide he won’t be neglected.  Not that I believe he’s actually there but it is still somehow comforting. 

I am so sorry you have this hurt.

I feel like our lives are so small...and somehow, giving someone I loved a tiny forever bit of ground with their name just marks the fact that they did indeed live and touch the lives of others. 

[Drama Llama]

14 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

I love cemeteries too! I don't like as much the large commercial ones with identical flat to the ground headstones, but I really like the ones with upright tombstones, monuments, and statues. Especially love tiny family cemeteries with very old graves. I find them fascinating. 

My church growing up had a columbarium that was right next to the playground.    Sometimes after Sunday school we'd play follow the leader on the walls that held the niches.  Several kids in my youth group had their first kisses there.  My Dad is interred in a similar set up at a different church, and I like to think of the children playing near him.  

In other circumstances, that's what I'd want.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I didn't grow up with the tradition of visiting graves regularly, but very few of my parents relatives were buried close by.  But, a few times, when we visited our great-grandparents out of state, we visited a cemetery and looked for the graves of family members.  It was kind of a family history lesson.

My husband's grandparents were immigrants from Slovenia and they attended a Slovenian Catholic church and are buried in that church's cemetery in a big family plot.  My husband's grandfather contracted tuberculosis when he had 2 small children and had to enter the sanitarium.  While he was there, he said the rosary several times a day and prayed for healing.  After 2 years, he was healed and went back to his family.  In thanksgiving, he helped build a grotto honoring Mary, who he credited for intercession on his behalf.  So, it was a family tradition to maintain this grotto, planting flowers every spring.  While they were there, they visited the graves of all the family members buried there.  

My husband's mom died when he was in college.  His family continued the tradition of visiting her grave for Mothers' Day and her birthday.  So, when we got married, he continued that, bringing the kids.  After my dad died, we made yearly visits to his grave on Fathers' Day.  My mother is buried there, so we visited there after she died.  For us, it was for honoring their memory.  Sometimes, I pass by the cemetery where my parents are buried and I stop in to have a "chat."  I know that my parents aren't "there", but it is a place of memory.  Sometimes, it seemed like that was the only place where I could grieve.  I was expected to be normal in all the other spaces of my life, but it was OK to be sad when I was at their graves.  

We don't go as often, but we still try to visit our parents' graves once a year, partially to clean the marker.  If we attend a funeral at a cemetery where a loved one is buried, we visit their grave then.  

[Shoeless]

Visiting the grave of deceased relatives is an inconsistent part of my family tradition. My grandmother used to visit her parents graves and make sure there were wreaths placed every year at Christmas (maybe also other times of the year? I am not certain). After my grandparents died, my uncle kept up the tradition.  Other branches of my family do not visit the graves of relatives. 

My half-siblings mother died several years ago, but they live far away from where she is buried, and it is a source of guilt for at least one of them. One half-sibling has said that she wants to be cremated, because she doesn't want her children to feel guilt about not visiting her grave.  Like, she doesn't really want to visit her mother's grave, but feels like she should visit, so any time she's in that part of the country, she feels a duty to go, which sort of colors the entire trip in a sad way. 

If I lived closer to where my relatives are buried, I'd probably visit once a year.  I don't think there is any right or wrong answer for this. If it brings someone comfort to visit, then they should do so. ❤️ 

 

Edited December 2, 2020 by MissLemon

[DawnM]

No, I do not visit graves.    We have people buried all over the place, so no real family grave area.    My mother is buried in Iowa.   We know NO ONE there.....I will visit her grave when my dad dies and that will be the last time I go there.   I told them that when they told me they were gifted plots there.   I think it is ridiculous to be buried there, but it is their choice.

My mom's family is a little more gathered in one place, so when someone in the family dies, we do see graves of some of our relatives, but I don't linger there or talk to headstones or anything. 

We don't visit DH's dad's grave when we go visit.   

Ironically, I enjoy walking through cemeteries though.   

Edited December 2, 2020 by DawnM

[QueenCat]

The only ones I visit are my parents. It is about half-way between me and my sister. I go because my sister is meeting me and we'll get lunch/see each other. I don't find anything cathartic about going. My sister's brings a new flag each time. This happens maybe twice a year.

[BusyMom5]

DHs family does, and I make arrangements for the graves every year- his Dad and both grandparents.  I make pretty custom arrangements from silk and they stay out all year long.  We also occasionally stop by where his Dad is buried to just walk and think, not as much now, but more when he first passed.

Growing up we never visited a grave- ever.  My moms Dad and brother both died when she was young, but we never visited their graves.  My grandma always kept the poem out.  We do not leave her 💐.  

Bring Me Flowers

 

Bring me flowers when I am living
Don't bring me them when I am dead,
Let me enjoy them in the giving
My mother always had said.
Let me hold them in my hands
And smell their fragrant scent,
Then I will reminisce of different lands
Before; I am heaven sent.
I will reflect back when I was young
Or, I might think back not long ago,
When I walked underneath the sun
Or, when I felt the wind as it blowed.

Bring me flowers when I am here
Please don't wait until I am gone,
So, I might reflect to a different year
And my memories will last on.
I might reflect to a different time
With every breadth and scent I breath,
And knowing the flowers are mine
Shows how much that you love me.
Let me enjoy the flowers again
Let me feel them on my fingers,
Because I just don't know when;
And how long my memory will linger.

Bring me flowers with a smile
Please don't bring them with any sorrow,
And I will hold them just like a child
As I held you, and held on until tomorrow.
I want to see them once again
As I place them on my table,
And then they will be my friend
And I will greet them while I am able.
They will be a part of me
My mother always had said
So, bring them now to me please
And don't wait until I am dead.


Randy L. McClave

by Randy McClave

[Drama Llama]

17 hours ago, Arcadia said:

For traditional Chinese people, we have a Qing Ming festival which is like clean up ancestral graves day. 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Qingming_Festival

We typically bring flowers, fruits and food. The flowers are left behind when we leave.
 

What happens to the food?

My youngest hasn't wanted to visit in person, but every time he hears someone is going to visit his brother he wants to bake a treat and send it along.  I think it's sweet, and I know that many cultures bring food to graves, but I'm still trying to figure out how it looks in person.  Do I leave a brownie in the grass? Will that attract insects?  Do we eat it and imagine he's eating the same thing with us in Heaven?  

The grave is shared, and my GFIL makes sure that there are always flowers live or silk for his wife, so I wouldn't want to leave food on the headstone, since that would encourage squirrels who might disturb the flowers.

[Scarlett]

I want to preface this by saying I don't believe dead people are conscious and so therefore I am not there to talk to them or anything.  But I am from the south and in general cemeteries are kept up by families or volunteers.  I know that is probably changing a lot now because of the way everyone is migrating away from their FOO and so many people are being cremated now.  I have always loved cemeteries.  I often visited the grave of my high school friend who was murdered.  He is buried waaaaay out in the country and it is a very secluded small cemetery.  Very peaceful.  He died 35 years ago though.  I have been maybe once in 10 years.

My first FIL is buried in a small town lovely cemetery in the country.  He died when XH and I were 22 and 23 and every single year prior to Decoration Day we would go down and mow and trim and plant extra flowers.  Then MIL would buy an expensive flower arrangement to lay on his grave for Decoration Day.  The first few years we would go and attend Decoration Day which back then was a covered dish and lots of visiting etc.  XH still goes to clean it up once a year before Decoration Day, but I don't think he attends.  Neither does MIL because she is 90 and lives 4 hours a way.  She buys flowers still and has a friend place them on the grave.  She has buried another husband since and I am not sure what she does for his grave if anything.  

I do wonder what XH will do once his mom dies.  I imagine he will still see to it being cleaned up every year but I don't know that he will have flowers put on the grave.  

My mom and step dad want to be cremated because they don't want anyone to have to do that.  At first it upset me, because I like the tradition of going to a cemetery.  But I have made peace with it.  Things are just changing. 

[Arcadia]

1 hour ago, BaseballandHockey said:

What happens to the food?

My youngest hasn't wanted to visit in person, but every time he hears someone is going to visit his brother he wants to bake a treat and send it along.  I think it's sweet, and I know that many cultures bring food to graves, but I'm still trying to figure out how it looks in person. 

There are “ceremonial” food for the departed. Those get taken home and discarded. Then there is food for the people visiting, kind of family gathering pot luck style. Those get eaten and leftovers get taken home by anyone who wants them. 

If your youngest want to bake a treat to send, in my culture it would be offered to the departed and then one of the adults would eat when leaving the cemetery. My ancestors are Taoist and believe in spirits. 

Edited December 2, 2020 by Arcadia

[Annie G]

Dh lost both his parents within the last few years and they’re buried in a beautiful veteran’s cemetery. Dh likes to visit, bring flowers, and ‘chat’ w his folks a bit. As time passes he’s visiting less often and we’re down to just birthdays now.  But it helped him grieve especially when his sister was being particularly awful (for instance, when the docs needed them to make a decision about end of life his sister walked out and refused to participate, telling him to make the decisions, but later said their dad would still be alive if Dh hadn’t given up on him). 
We bring live flowers because that’s all that’s allowed. And it comforts Dh that I buy yellow flowers because his mom loved yellow, and I find red, white, and blue bouquets for his dad, who was so proud that he was a Korea and Vietnam vet. 
I’m guessing that when life returns to normal and some more time passes that we might end up going once a year. 

[Drama Llama]

1 hour ago, Arcadia said:

There are “ceremonial” food for the departed. Those get taken home and discarded. Then there is food for the people visiting, kind of family gathering pot luck style. Those get eaten and leftovers get taken home by anyone who wants them. 

If your youngest want to bake a treat to send, in my culture it would be offered to the departed and then one of the adults would eat when leaving the cemetery. My ancestors are Taoist and believe in spirits. 

Can you clarify what this looks like?  I'm sorry if I'm being nosy.

[Arcadia]

12 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

Can you clarify what this looks like?  I'm sorry if I'm being nosy.

https://www.asiaone.com/malaysia/picnic-departed-loved-ones-they-observe-qing-ming

ETA:

I’ll delete quoted photo later just in case of copyright issues 

Edited December 2, 2020 by Arcadia