Feedback on essay, 7th grade

[Porridge]

I’d appreciate feedback on how to coach DD12. We haven’t done formal essay writing thus far. There are several punctuation / grammar errors about which I have already given her feedback. I’m interested in any suggestions for how to coach her on formulating a thesis and providing good evidence / support for her thesis.  I’d also be interested in any *succinct* resources for teaching essay writing — I have many books but haven’t had (found? Made?) time to read them (shame on me). I think i need to start with something very succinct, then I can expand and direct my reading from there.

Thank you!

I may delete the essay later, for DD’s privacy.

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Edited December 8, 2020 by JHLWTM

[almondbutterandjelly]

I think this is good!  Normally, I don't know that summaries are required in these types of papers, but I don't know what the original assignment was.  She seems to have a clear thesis to me, the last sentence of the first paragraph.

Her topic sentences in the body all refer back to the thesis, so that is good.

I would bulk up the conclusion a tad.  I like three sentences unless they're really really good two sentences.  My rule of thumb for Conclusions is "Say what you said before, and then say something you haven't said before."  I think she hit the "something you haven't said before" but maybe needs a bit of "say what you said before."

I don't think she needs much coaching on this paper.  I always use the hamburger visual for writing, with the top bun being the Intro and bottom bun being the conclusion.  The body is the filling of the burger.  Her burger looks pretty good for a 12 year old!

[almondbutterandjelly]

A couple more thoughts:  At that age, it is a good time to learn about Transition Words, like First, Next, Additionally, Therefore, etc.  She didn't need them in this essay necessarily, but they are a nice tool in a writer's toolbox.

She had good flow (continuity or flow is achieved by repeating a word, phrase, or idea), which is one of the reasons she didn't so much need the transition words.  

I like Seton's Composition book for basic stuff I learned back in Junior High writing eons ago, and I like Jensen's Format Writing for their page on Continuity and their practice on different essays.

[The Governess]

This is a good start! My main feedback would be that:

1) in a literary analysis paper, you generally don’t need to summarize the plot. Assume that the reader is familiar with the work. You can provide summary information if it provides necessary context for the evidence you are presenting. 

The evidence presented for Toad feels a bit off-topic. It is evidence that he is a bad role model... perhaps it also shows his summer representation, but that connection isn’t very clear.

The paragraphs could have stronger warranting.  The warrant is what explains how the evidence presented supports the claim and ultimately the overall thesis. For example, the Toad paragraph could end with this warrant: “Toad’s behavior demonstrates that, while he feels ready to energetically take on the mentoring of a younger friend, he still has some significant personal maturing to do.” (The structure of that sentence isn’t the best, but hopefully you get the idea...) Adding this would strengthen your position and make the link between claim and evidence clear.

[Porridge]

3 hours ago, lovelearnandlive said:

This is a good start! My main feedback would be that:

1) in a literary analysis paper, you generally don’t need to summarize the plot. Assume that the reader is familiar with the work. You can provide summary information if it provides necessary context for the evidence you are presenting. 

The evidence presented for Toad feels a bit off-topic. It is evidence that he is a bad role model... perhaps it also shows his summer representation, but that connection isn’t very clear.

The paragraphs could have stronger warranting.  The warrant is what explains how the evidence presented supports the claim and ultimately the overall thesis. For example, the Toad paragraph could end with this warrant: “Toad’s behavior demonstrates that, while he feels ready to energetically take on the mentoring of a younger friend, he still has some significant personal maturing to do.” (The structure of that sentence isn’t the best, but hopefully you get the idea...) Adding this would strengthen your position and make the link between claim and evidence clear.

Thank you, @lovelearnandlive. Where does the concept of "warranting" come from? Is there a resource you can direct me to read more about it? 

[The Governess]

I believe the idea of warranting comes from the Toulmin method of argumentation. A paragraph that follows the structure of claim-evidence-warrant is sometimes called a CEW paragraph. Warranting is also sometimes called reasoning, in which case you’d be writing a CER paragraph.  If you google CEW or CER paragraphs you will find a lot of resources. 

Here is a short video explaining the concept:

Here is a nice pdf that goes into more depth and provides examples:

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwj0n5vQ_qvtAhVlHzQIHQjNCfMQFjAAegQIBhAC&url=https%3A%2F%2Ftippie.uiowa.edu%2Fsites%2Ftippie.uiowa.edu%2Ffiles%2Fdocuments%2Feffective_claims.pdf&usg=AOvVaw3fmZm2utnwonwtiP1GYk-7

The nice thing about the Toulmin model is that it can be applied to most types of argumentative or thesis-driven essays. So you can follow the same general structure for a research paper, history essay, etc.

My favorite resource for writing specifically about literature is Writing Essays About Literature by Kelley Griffith. The first half of the book covers literary analysis, and the second half teaches you how to write about it. It’s definitely too advanced to hand to a 7th grader, but it would be a fantastic resource for you as you teach your budding writer. 

 

 

 

[Lori D.]

On 11/30/2020 at 9:25 PM, JHLWTM said:

... Where does the concept of "warranting" come from? Is there a resource you can direct me to read more about it? 

It looks like "warranting" (above) is what is we call "commentary" in my writing classes -- the sentence(s) that explain how/why the example supports the reason or point that is being developed in the paragraph -- and "concluding commentary" -- the sentence(s) that end the paragraph and explain how/why the reason or point of the paragraph support the thesis claim.

For my co-op class students, I suggest that right after a specific example to start a new sentence with one of these ideas that tend to naturally lead into a sentence of commentary:
- "This example shows that..." (or, "this reveals that..." or "this illustrates that...")
- "This is important because..."
- "Because of this..."

Also important to note that a complete thesis statement has three parts:
- thesis topic -- the overall subject of the paper
- thesis claim -- your position, thought, contention, opinion, or "big idea" *about* the topic
- thesis direction -- brief overview of the major reasons/points that will be fleshed out in the essay body

The thesis direction is literally the "direction of your argument of support" for your thesis claim -- the reasons why your claim is valid, and which build the argument of support for the claim. Points/reasons of the argument are developed and supported with evidence (examples, facts, statistics, quotations, anecdotes) in the body of the essay.

The thesis statement can be more than 1 sentence long, and the parts can come in any order (as long as it makes sense). It might help to think of the thesis statement as the whole essay in miniature -- the scope of the essay (thesis topic), your position/opinion/"take" on the topic (thesis claim), and the overall direction of your argument of support for your claim (thesis direction). I find that students who are just beginning to write essays often miss including one of the three parts of the thesis -- usually the claim, but sometimes the direction.
____________________________

Typical structure of a literary analysis essay:

I. INTRO PARAGRAPH
- "hook" -- to catch reader attention, or to set up the essay
- "intro info" -- title and author of the work being discussed, plus a very short overview of the work being discussed, in context of the specific topic being covered in the essay
     - if needed: details, background info, or define any special ideas or terms discussed in the essay, etc.
- thesis statement (topic, claim, direction)

II. BODY PARAGRAPH (each)
- transition - often can be combined with the topic sentence
- topic sentence - states what reason/point (from the thesis direction) being covered in the paragraph
     - if needed: additional explanation, details, information
- supporting evidence #1 - example from the work to support the reason/point
     - if needed: additional explanation, details, information
- commentary - connectsthe dots/explaining how/why evidence #1 shows/supports/proves the reason/point of the paragraph ("This shows that...")
- supporting evidence #2
     - if needed: additional explanation, details, information
- commentary for #2 ("This is important because...")
- supporting evidence #3
     - if needed: additional explanation, details, information
- commentary for #3 ("Because of this...")
- concluding commentary - connecting the dots/explaining how/why the reason/point of the paragraph shows/supports/proves the thesis claim

III. CONCLUDING PARAGRAPH
- transition
- sum-up of the overall essay "argument" / restatement of the thesis in light of the body of the essay
- clincher - final thought, often tying back in with the title or hook

Edited December 4, 2020 by Lori D.

[Porridge]

Thank you, @Lori D.. Your summary was incredibly helpful. 

[Porridge]

Thank you, @lovelearnandlive, @perky, and  @Lori D.. I felt better prepared to coach DD. Here's her essay, after we discussed the points you mentioned or directed me to--

I think she's improved. She could work on transitions, her choice of words could be a little less stiff, and the evidence could be stronger / better presented, but for this time I wanted mainly to see her 1. formulate a strong thesis (with at least some aspect of each of Lori D's 3 parts), 2. practice warrants / commentaries, 3. practice a conclusion that is more than just a summary. 

Any suggestions for how to continue coaching DD would be welcome. Mostly, I want to say thanks!

By the way, we don't usually write this many essays (2 in 2 weeks!). I'm not sure how we ended up with so much writing so close together this time.

(I may delete the essay later for DD's privacy)

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Edited December 15, 2020 by JHLWTM