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How do people live this way?


Scarlett
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I do not think of myself as either super neat or super clean. But I don’t leave clothes on the bed/dresser/floor that need to be washed or folded or put away.  I don’t have trash cans in any room overflowing.  My dss19 is a train wreck in this area.  I can not stand it.  He did some work for my parents last week and I offered to wash his clothes. I did about 3 loads.....when I took the folded clothes to his room, every drawer I opened was full of stuffed, unfolded clothes. I eventually found one semi empty drawer and I put his socks and underwear in it. Every surface was covered in stuff.  It is horrible.   A few days later he asked me where his socks and underwear were.  His room is like an animal lives there.  I can’t take it.  
 

I talked to Dh tonight and he seems to be on board with me.  I told him I feel like I am important enough, that that is a good enough reason....Scarlett is going put of her mind because your room is a disaster.

Edited by Scarlett
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  • Scarlett changed the title to How do people live this way?

Seriously?  This is the same guy whose mother took his room away.  He's probably never been taught to take care of anything, he's depressed, he's got a type-b personality, he likes to get distracted by the awful parts of his life with a quick bolt of dopamine from something online, from sugar, etc.  Not spend hours putting away stuff he doesn't know what to do with.  Help him learn to declutter and fold or try to ignore it.

ETA: I'm sorry, that reads like I have an angry/sarcastic tone and I don't.  I just get it.  For someone who hasn't had a ton of emotional support in his life I think he's doing an amazing job.  He might need a bit of help (if he even wants it), or he might just be fine with it and be a bit of a slob by nature.  But I bet he doesn't know what to do about it and is a bit embarrassed that he doesn't know how to manage it either.

Edited by Katy
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We are know how this is gonna go.  OP knows how this thread is going to go.  

Is it really worth it to say something?  Vast majority say no if he's a great kid.  OP will disagree that it is.  

Perhaps OP is gently pushing son out to move.

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1 minute ago, Katy said:

Seriously?  This is the same guy whose mother took his room away.  He's probably never been taught to take care of anything, he's depressed, he's got a type-b personality, he likes to get distracted by the awful parts of his life with a quick bolt of dopamine from something online, from sugar, etc.  Not spend hours putting away stuff he doesn't know what to do with.  Help him learn to declutter and fold or try to ignore it.

He has lived with us since he was 15......and I don’t really think he is depressed.  And he has been taught by me repeatedly how to organize and clean and keep things neat.  I think he does still lack the skills to organize his room...I mentioned that to Dh tonight....that maybe he needs help organizing.  

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Just now, Dainty said:

We are know how this is gonna go.  OP knows how this thread is going to go.  

Is it really worth it to say something?  Vast majority say no if he's a great kid.  OP will disagree that it is.  

Perhaps OP is gently pushing son out to move.

I do vent here for sure.  
 

And most adults do eventually move out of their parents home.  He isn’t being pushed to do so, but it seems like he could be respectful enough of our home to keep his room reasonably clean and neat.   Honestly I imagine he would be happier in his own place where no one complains about his room.  

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6 minutes ago, Katy said:

Seriously?  This is the same guy whose mother took his room away.  He's probably never been taught to take care of anything, he's depressed, he's got a type-b personality, he likes to get distracted by the awful parts of his life with a quick bolt of dopamine from something online, from sugar, etc.  Not spend hours putting away stuff he doesn't know what to do with.  Help him learn to declutter and fold or try to ignore it.

What exactly is the awful part of his life?

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4 minutes ago, Dainty said:

We are know how this is gonna go.  OP knows how this thread is going to go.  

Is it really worth it to say something?  Vast majority say no if he's a great kid.  OP will disagree that it is.  

Perhaps OP is gently pushing son out to move.

And really if you are super great in a lot of areas is it ok to live like an animal? 

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I haven't lived with a lot of men, but I think a percentage do appreciate open shelving/bins, something they can just shove their things into. It's also a recommended strategy for EF issues. I have a unit in my closet made with open faced pull out drawers. I've seen similar things at IKEA. For my dh I got simple baskets and placed them on shelves on a short bookshelf.

So I think, rather than trying to *change* him you might explore how what he already does can be a fuzz tidier.

Also, fwiw, my OCD is not cool with seeing my dd's messes. So we had to hang curtains and she would *cover* her things when she left. Otherwise I would walk by her room and feel compelled to tidy it. So covering it from your view can be a strategy. If you want him at the house,  you could simply teach him to shut the door.

Edited by PeterPan
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For my dad, whose ability to tidy would make op's ds possibly look superior, I got large-ish baskets (11X15X12 maybe) and put them 3 across the dresser. The dresser is opposite his bed and he's not reliable for actually putting things INTO drawers, lol. So instead I gave up and put those open plastic woven baskets on top. They look fine, and he can put things from his laundry when he does it into those baskets. Now they might not be *sorted* correctly, and they certainly are not *folded*. However it gives them somewhere to go and is the level of organization he can maintain.

He used to be exceptionally organized btw. Medication side effects and disabilities have made their toll, sigh. But again, he's a guy. I don't care about folding and uber tidy. Just sorta ballpark. In baskets is better than on floor.

Another strategy is to *reduce* the number of items he owns so there's less to wash and maintain. As my ds' clothes are getting larger, I'm having to drop his amount of clothes, even if it means doing laundry 2X a week for him.

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4 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

I haven't lived with a lot of men, but I think a percentage do appreciate open shelving/bins, something they can just shove their things into. It's also a recommended strategy for EF issues. I have a unit in my closet made with open faced pull out drawers. I've seen similar things at IKEA. For my dh I got simple baskets and placed them on shelves on a short bookshelf.

So I think, rather than trying to *change* him you might explore how what he already does can be a fuzz tidier.

Also, fwiw, my OCD is not cool with seeing my dd's messes. So we had to hang curtains and she would *cover* her things when she left. Otherwise I would walk by her room and feel compelled to tidy it. So covering it from your view can be a strategy. If you want him at the house,  you could simply teach him to shut the door.

He shuts the door. He would definitely prefer I not look in there.  But I do sometimes for various reasons and them I am just insane with the level of messiness and uncleanliness in there.  He is the adult living in my home so I don’t know why I am the one who has to just get over it.  

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1 minute ago, PeterPan said:

For my dad, whose ability to tidy would make op's ds possibly look superior, I got large-ish baskets (11X15X12 maybe) and put them 3 across the dresser. The dresser is opposite his bed and he's not reliable for actually putting things INTO drawers, lol. So instead I gave up and put those open plastic woven baskets on top. They look fine, and he can put things from his laundry when he does it into those baskets. Now they might not be *sorted* correctly, and they certainly are not *folded*. However it gives them somewhere to go and is the level of organization he can maintain.

He used to be exceptionally organized btw. Medication side effects and disabilities have made their toll, sigh. But again, he's a guy. I don't care about folding and uber tidy. Just sorta ballpark. In baskets is better than on floor.

Another strategy is to *reduce* the number of items he owns so there's less to wash and maintain. As my ds' clothes are getting larger, I'm having to drop his amount of clothes, even if it means doing laundry 2X a week for him.

Dh and I mentioned to each other tonight this is part of the problem.,

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I have a child who is like this and I guess I view it completely different from you.  That room is his space.  He can do/keep it how ever he wants.  As long as basic sanitary conditions are met (ie no leaving food/dirty dishes), he can do whatever he wants.  If it bothers you, just keep the door closed.  It feels like overstepping/overcontrolling to tell an adult child how they need store their clothes in their dresser.

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Just now, cjzimmer1 said:

I have a child who is like this and I guess I view it completely different from you.  That room is his space.  He can do/keep it how ever he wants.  As long as basic sanitary conditions are met (ie no leaving food/dirty dishes), he can do whatever he wants.  If it bothers you, just keep the door closed.  It feels like overstepping/overcontrolling to tell an adult child how they need store their clothes in their dresser.

That last sentence made me Laugh.  I have two other adult children and I am not bothered by their housekeeping habits. You know whY? They live on their own, not in my house rent free. 

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1 hour ago, Katy said:

Seriously?  This is the same guy whose mother took his room away.  He's probably never been taught to take care of anything, he's depressed, he's got a type-b personality, he likes to get distracted by the awful parts of his life with a quick bolt of dopamine from something online, from sugar, etc.  Not spend hours putting away stuff he doesn't know what to do with.  Help him learn to declutter and fold or try to ignore it.

ETA: I'm sorry, that reads like I have an angry/sarcastic tone and I don't.  I just get it.  For someone who hasn't had a ton of emotional support in his life I think he's doing an amazing job.  He might need a bit of help (if he even wants it), or he might just be fine with it and be a bit of a slob by nature.  But I bet he doesn't know what to do about it and is a bit embarrassed that he doesn't know how to manage it either.

You could be right.  I dont know.  Before Dh and I married this was one of our ‘things’.  He was crazed by the way xw had clothes piled everywhere....he hated it for 21 years.  

Edited by Scarlett
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3 minutes ago, kand said:

Two of my kids are like this. It drives me nuts, but I’ve come to the point of accepting I simply can’t change it. Countless times as they’ve been growing up, I’ve helped them reorganize their rooms and put systems in place to try to make upkeep as easy as possible. It never sticks. One of them eventually got better on their own as they got older. The younger one is still a disaster. There are clearly executive function issues at play. They don’t do it just to be rude. It makes me crazy to walk into it, so I avoid doing so. I can’t recall, is your dss neurotypical or on the spectrum or with ADHD? My kids with the worst issues are neuro-quirky for sure (one with ADHD). Does he want to move out?

He is absolutely NT.  And yes I think he wants to move out.  He has a plan with a friend of his....but it is moving slower than they hoped.

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5 minutes ago, kand said:

Two of my kids are like this. It drives me nuts, but I’ve come to the point of accepting I simply can’t change it. Countless times as they’ve been growing up, I’ve helped them reorganize their rooms and put systems in place to try to make upkeep as easy as possible. It never sticks. One of them eventually got better on their own as they got older. The younger one is still a disaster. There are clearly executive function issues at play. They don’t do it just to be rude. It makes me crazy to walk into it, so I avoid doing so. I can’t recall, is your dss neurotypical or on the spectrum or with ADHD? My kids with the worst issues are neuro-quirky for sure (one with ADHD). Does he want to move out?

I also think accepting some of this for underage kids is different than grown kids.  Seriously, if you want to live this way, get your apartment .

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1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

That last sentence made me Laugh.  I have two other adult children and I am not bothered by their housekeeping habits. You know whY? They live on their own, not in my house rent free. 

Well that's new, because I remember a thread you started about how disgusted you were with your son and daughter in law for not keeping their stove clean enough.

Your house, your rules, but you have to live with the consequences.

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