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15 hours ago, 4kiddies said:

Is the person you aren’t speaking to your son and that is why they are asking you what makes you comfortable?

Ah, this puts a quite different perspective on the original post if this is indeed the case.  My response is hold your breath, mask up and go.  Invite son to your home or out for coffee afterwards and approach a reconciliation.  By approach a reconciliation, I mean extend a sincere apology and, if necessary,  fall down on your knees and beg for forgiveness without regard to who was right, wrong or in-between.  Although I have no idea what source of estrangement was, it likely will all seem silly a decade or so from now. Of course, you can do this tomorrow instead of waiting until wedding.  Best of luck in restoring relationship with son whether or not he is the relative that you prefer not to be around.

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On 11/22/2020 at 10:17 PM, Scarlett said:

Significant.  As in we aren’t speaking.  But we love each other an hope to speak again someday

 

If this is your son - ask for his forgiveness. Ask him how to make it right. He is your child. There is nothing I would not do to find a way to repair it. I'd want him to be at the wedding simply to see his face. I can't imagine an estrangement this long from my son. 😞

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I'm confused. Exactly what is going on that this person doesn't believe you can be cordial - or at least civil - to whoever-it-is at their wedding? Either their perception is seriously flawed, or the relationship is a lot rockier than you're admitting to if they don't believe you when you say "Invite whomever you like, I don't have any objections".

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10 hours ago, hippiemamato3 said:

If this is your son - ask for his forgiveness. Ask him how to make it right. He is your child. There is nothing I would not do to find a way to repair it. I'd want him to be at the wedding simply to see his face. I can't imagine an estrangement this long from my son. 😞

I am not sure what you think I need forgiveness for.  I am doing everything in my power to get back to our normal relationship but there is only so much one person can do. 

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7 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

I'm confused. Exactly what is going on that this person doesn't believe you can be cordial - or at least civil - to whoever-it-is at their wedding? Either their perception is seriously flawed, or the relationship is a lot rockier than you're admitting to if they don't believe you when you say "Invite whomever you like, I don't have any objections".

I don’t believe I said anything about not being cordial or civil .

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7 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

At any rate, if this wedding is planned for January, egads, it may be best for you to bow out on health grounds right now. It's not going to be safe to have a big wedding in January. LOL, no.

Exactly. I am sure we won’t go because of that. 

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I didn't read other replies, but here is my opinion.

Tell the truth that you would rather not have to spend the time with that person.

The real question here is - will it ruin my wedding if I invite both of you?  If you being under the same roof is going to take away from the joy of the occasion / the focus on the newly wedded couple, then don't let that happen.

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1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

I don’t believe I said anything about not being cordial or civil .

 

You also didn't say it's your son. If you can be both cordial and civil, why is this person still arguing with you when you said it'd be cool if you were both there?

Like I said - either her perception is really out of whack with reality, or things are a lot rougher between you and him than you've been portraying here, because clearly she thinks this is going to be a big problem. I don't know which it is. Maybe he's the one she figures can't be either cordial or civil.

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1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

I am not sure what you think I need forgiveness for.  I am doing everything in my power to get back to our normal relationship but there is only so much one person can do. 

Everybody thinks you were wrong not to attend his wedding, but that's beside the point.

Sometimes you have to apologize even when you're sure you didn't do anything wrong, just to get things moving again. You can apologize for hurting his feelings, which you certainly did even if you didn't intend to. (And you know you did hurt his feelings, or else why isn't he talking to you?) Find some aspect of this rift you can sincerely say you're sorry for, that falls on your shoulders, and apologize.

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9 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

 

You also didn't say it's your son. If you can be both cordial and civil, why is this person still arguing with you when you said it'd be cool if you were both there?

Like I said - either her perception is really out of whack with reality, or things are a lot rougher between you and him than you've been portraying here, because clearly she thinks this is going to be a big problem. I don't know which it is. Maybe he's the one she figures can't be either cordial or civil.

She knows how upset I have been. She doesn’t want me to be upset.  She and I talked it out and he is invited. She was never worried about me or him being uncivil or not cordial. 

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1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

I am not sure what you think I need forgiveness for.  I am doing everything in my power to get back to our normal relationship but there is only so much one person can do. 

The reality is--and I'm sorry if this is harsh--but you are never going to get back to your normal relationship, that relationship has been ruined because you have a need to always be right BUT you can still have some sort of relationship in the future if you handle this correctly and apologize. You are his mother, is whatever you are mad about really worth NEVER speaking to your son or having a meaningful relationship with him again?  

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1 hour ago, hippiemamato3 said:

You did not go to his wedding. He is your ONLY son.  Isn't that enough? 

If he was one of 10 kids it would be different? I am not going to rehash this issue— I did what I believed and believe was right. I have done a large amount of begging and crying and there is really nothing more I can do. I was put in an impossible situation and now the ball is in his court. I continue to be kind and supportive and open. 

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48 minutes ago, 4kiddies said:

The reality is--and I'm sorry if this is harsh--but you are never going to get back to your normal relationship, that relationship has been ruined because you have a need to always be right BUT you can still have some sort of relationship in the future if you handle this correctly and apologize. You are his mother, is whatever you are mad about really worth NEVER speaking to your son or having a meaningful relationship with him again?  

You don’t know me and you don’t know all there is to this story including that I am not mad. And I don’t always have to be right, but I will do for myself what I believe is right for me.  

Edited by Scarlett
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1 hour ago, Tanaqui said:

Everybody thinks you were wrong not to attend his wedding, but that's beside the point.

Sometimes you have to apologize even when you're sure you didn't do anything wrong, just to get things moving again. You can apologize for hurting his feelings, which you certainly did even if you didn't intend to. (And you know you did hurt his feelings, or else why isn't he talking to you?) Find some aspect of this rift you can sincerely say you're sorry for, that falls on your shoulders, and apologize.

No not everyone thinks I am wrong but that is beside the point. I don’t make decisions like I was forced into based upon popular opinion. 
 

And I am not sure why you and others are under the impression I haven't done everything I possibly can inside the bounds of my conscience. 
SMH

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1 hour ago, SKL said:

I didn't read other replies, but here is my opinion.

Tell the truth that you would rather not have to spend the time with that person.

The real question here is - will it ruin my wedding if I invite both of you?  If you being under the same roof is going to take away from the joy of the occasion / the focus on the newly wedded couple, then don't let that happen.

Thanks.  It has been settled. And  I probably won’t be there anyway because of Covid.

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30 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

If he was one of 10 kids it would be different? I am not going to rehash this issue— I did what I believed and believe was right. I have done a large amount of begging and crying and there is really nothing more I can do. I was put in an impossible situation and now the ball is in his court. I continue to be kind and supportive and open. 

I think yes, it would be different. You have one child - and you don't speak. I can't imagine the pain you are in. Though, I guess, if you still feel you made the right decision, then you probably aren't the kind of mom I thought you were. So maybe I'll just bow out. 

Edited by hippiemamato3
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2 hours ago, hippiemamato3 said:

I think yes, it would be different. You have one child - and you don't speak. I can't imagine the pain you are in. Though, I guess, if you still feel you made the right decision, then you probably aren't the kind of mom I thought you were. So maybe I'll just bow out. 

You don't have enough information to know what kind of mother I am and why I made the decision I did.  And I am not going to share all of the details.  

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4 hours ago, Scarlett said:

She knows how upset I have been. She doesn’t want me to be upset.  She and I talked it out and he is invited. She was never worried about me or him being uncivil or not cordial. 

 

Scarlett, seriously, I think you need to sit with this a while. Why does she think you'd be upset at simply attending a wedding at the same time as your son, when both of you are important to the bride?

Either her perception is deeply, deeply flawed - or there's some truth there. What makes her think that you'd react badly to this?

And please - don't respond reiterating that you won't be upset. That's not what I'm talking about here. She clearly knows you better than we do. Why does she have this impression of you?

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Just now, Tanaqui said:

 

Scarlett, seriously, I think you need to sit with this a while. Why does she think you'd be upset at simply attending a wedding at the same time as your son, when both of you are important to the bride?

Either her perception is deeply, deeply flawed - or there's some truth there. What makes her think that you'd react badly to this?

Well, I don't know what to tell you other than what she told me.  She said she knows how upset I have been and she doesn't want me to feel bad at the wedding.  Which is apparently going to be a non issue thanks to Covid.

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Also, Scarlett, you're probably right. Somebody out there thinks you were right not to attend his wedding. When I said "everyone" I was thinking "everyone here", and I should've said that. It's possible there's a poster here who disagrees with me, but we'll allow a little wiggle room for hyperbole, shall we?

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Just now, Scarlett said:

Well, I don't know what to tell you other than what she told me.  She said she knows how upset I have been and she doesn't want me to feel bad at the wedding.  Which is apparently going to be a non issue thanks to Covid.

 

You don't need to tell me anything. You ought to do some serious introspection. Her opinion did not form in a vacuum. You can tell me I don't know the context, and you're right - but I'm betting she sure does.

I mean, listen. I don't care. If your son doesn't want to talk to you, that's his right. If you don't want to apologize, that's your right. But I think you'd benefit from really thinking about this, and thinking about why people who know you have these opinions of you.

You don't want to do that, that's also your business. No skin off my nose! But that doesn't change my opinion that this sort of introspection would help you a lot.

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20 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

 

You don't need to tell me anything. You ought to do some serious introspection. Her opinion did not form in a vacuum. You can tell me I don't know the context, and you're right - but I'm betting she sure does.

I mean, listen. I don't care. If your son doesn't want to talk to you, that's his right. If you don't want to apologize, that's your right. But I think you'd benefit from really thinking about this, and thinking about why people who know you have these opinions of you.

You don't want to do that, that's also your business. No skin off my nose! But that doesn't change my opinion that this sort of introspection would help you a lot.

I have done enough thinking about this in the past year to last me a lifetime.  I don't know what is so difficult to  believe about someone who knows me  knowing how upset I have been and wanting me to be happy at the wedding.  You really don't know anything about what is going on with my son and me and you as well as a lot of people here assume way more than you should.  I realize I bring some of that on  by sharing too much at times and then not sharing other things....but honestly I asked a simple question in this thread just wondering how others might handle it.  Some people are able to answer the question---others can't help themselves and use it as an opportunity to once again chastise me for my decisions and tell me what a lousy mother I am.  

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"Everybody believes" or "everyone here believes" are both inappropriate statements IMO.  Both sound to me more like bullying than advice.  It would be better to say "I believe," and even better still to say none of it.

We all have to act on our own conscience, regardless of whether we have 1 or 1 million allies.

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33 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

 

Scarlett, seriously, I think you need to sit with this a while. Why does she think you'd be upset at simply attending a wedding at the same time as your son, when both of you are important to the bride?

Either her perception is deeply, deeply flawed - or there's some truth there. What makes her think that you'd react badly to this?

And please - don't respond reiterating that you won't be upset. That's not what I'm talking about here. She clearly knows you better than we do. Why does she have this impression of you?

I think I have said this many times already in this thread alone.  She has the impression I would be upset because I have been upset and devastated for over a year.  I don't understand what is difficult to see about that.  She loves me and wants me to enjoy the wedding without the stress of the other relationship.  She really really insisted it be my decision because she cares about my feelings.  

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If someone asked me a question like that I would wonder what it is about me that makes me a personality to be "managed." Am I a person who has a talent for bringing palpable stress into a room?  It seems like the bride is trying to make her wedding drama-free and she's not sure she can do that by just sending invitations to people she wants to attend.  On the other hand, this bride may have questionable judgement if she's having a large, indoor Covid wedding.  She might actually be the immature personality in this scenario and the type who can't resist stirring a pot.  

My BIL and SIL had a small destination wedding, then held their big, local reception on their first anniversary.  I think this is a great model for Covid weddings and a way to make sure everyone can celebrate together without risking anyone's health.  

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29 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I think I have said this many times already in this thread alone.  She has the impression I would be upset because I have been upset and devastated for over a year.  I don't understand what is difficult to see about that.  She loves me and wants me to enjoy the wedding without the stress of the other relationship.  She really really insisted it be my decision because she cares about my feelings.  

 

But you're not going to not be upset because you're there and he isn't. Why would you specially be upset by him being there?

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27 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

If someone asked me a question like that I would wonder what it is about me that makes me a personality to be "managed." Am I a person who has a talent for bringing palpable stress into a room?  It seems like the bride is trying to make her wedding drama-free and she's not sure she can do that by just sending invitations to people she wants to attend.  On the other hand, this bride may have questionable judgement if she's having a large, indoor Covid wedding.  She might actually be the immature personality in this scenario and the type who can't resist stirring a pot.  

My BIL and SIL had a small destination wedding, then held their big, local reception on their first anniversary.  I think this is a great model for Covid weddings and a way to make sure everyone can celebrate together without risking anyone's health.  

It is the bride's mother...but yeah I do question the judgment of them having a big wedding right now.  

And no one is trying to 'manage' me.  They are just trying to make sure I am ok with it.  

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1 minute ago, Tanaqui said:

 

But you're not going to not be upset because you're there and he isn't. Why would you specially be upset by him being there?

I don't know that I would be.  I told her I didn't know.  I told her I wanted to think about it and not be rash.  And the next morning I told her she should absolutely invite him if she wants. She just knows I have had a very very bad year and wanted to be thoughtful toward me.  

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It sounds completely reasonable for someone making up the guest list to contact Scarlett about her son also being invited.

If my son was getting married, and I knew my friend and her son were on the outs, serious outs, and that it was achingly painful for the two of them, I would 100% ask my friend, “Are you ok with me inviting you both to the wedding?” I wouldn’t want to damage my friend more. I’d want her to have a heads up that he would be there so she could be mentally prepared. I wouldn’t want to make the situation between mother and son worse by inviting the both of them making them both miserable. 

This doesn’t make Scarlett someone to be “handled.”  It doesn’t mean I would expect the mother and son to start yelling or causing a scene.  It means that the friend is sensitive to the pain and hurt that Scarlett and her son are experiencing and doesn’t want to add to that.  

And once Scarlett answered, I’d go with it and wouldn’t keep rehashing it with Scarlett.

Edited by Garga
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2 hours ago, KungFuPanda said:

If someone asked me a question like that I would wonder what it is about me that makes me a personality to be "managed." Am I a person who has a talent for bringing palpable stress into a room?  It seems like the bride is trying to make her wedding drama-free and she's not sure she can do that by just sending invitations to people she wants to attend.  On the other hand, this bride may have questionable judgement if she's having a large, indoor Covid wedding.  She might actually be the immature personality in this scenario and the type who can't resist stirring a pot.  

My BIL and SIL had a small destination wedding, then held their big, local reception on their first anniversary.  I think this is a great model for Covid weddings and a way to make sure everyone can celebrate together without risking anyone's health.  

Bingo.  Have you ever been asked by a host if you condone person Y being invited to an event?  I have not, but as you said, bride-to-be may enjoy making drama.

Did original poster confirm that relative was indeed her estranged son or are we still assuming?

I do not know the details but find the whole thread confusing.  I naturally assumed the wedding was planned for post-covid spring or summer.  Covid was already a factor when Scarlett was invited to wedding but it was not mentioned as a reason to not attend until other posters pointed it out.     Now, the original poster is "probably" not attending wedding due to Covid. 

I hope the bride has wonderful wedding with no spreading of covid.

My BFF had a courthouse wedding yesterday.  On their one year anniversary, they plan to have a large party for family and friends assuming covid will no longer be an issue.

Time for me to bow out too.

 

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Scarlett, I don't find anything odd about your friend asking if you'd be comfortable at the wedding with him there. 

FWIW, I never had enough information to make a judgment on whether I believed you made the right decision a year+ ago. 

I do know that going against one's conscience is never advisable. "Blessed is the one who does not condemn himself by what he approves...everything that does not come from faith is sin."

Whatever the decision was based on, I don't envy you at all and know how hard this must be.

I will pray for reconciliation.

Edited by MercyA
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2 hours ago, MercyA said:

Scarlett, I don't find anything odd about your friend asking if you'd be comfortable at the wedding with him there. 

FWIW, I never had enough information to make a judgment on whether I believed you made the right decision a year+ ago. 

I do know that going against one's conscience is never advisable. "Blessed is the one who does not condemn himself by what he approves...everything that does not come from faith is sin."

Whatever the decision was based on, I don't envy you at all and know how hard this must be.

I will pray for reconciliation.

While I deeply respect your faith Mercy, I know that throughout history some people following their faith and conscience have done horrific things. So I do think it is advisable for people to also at least listen to others they respect who might have a different take on things and contemplate other perspectives.

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12 minutes ago, Frances said:

While I deeply respect your faith Mercy, I know that throughout history some people following their faith and conscience have done horrific things. So I do think it is advisable for people to also at least listen to others they respect who might have a different take on things and contemplate other perspectives.

As to your first point, I completely agree.

As to the second, I trust that Scarlett did that. 

Edited by MercyA
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Scarlett, I was away from the boards and do not know anything about why you and your son are having struggles in your relationship, but I have seen enough over many, many years to know how much you love him and how fiercely devoted to him you have always been. 
 

I’m just so sorry that you are both in this place. I can’t even imagine how much it hurts you. 
 

I am also praying for a future reconciliation and an even closer relationship in the future. 

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I find it bizarre that someone would even consider asking a guest anything of the sort.  Maybe it's because I come from an extremely complicated family dynamic, but of course, as 47 year old Gen Xer almost every peer I had had at least a tricky family dynamic because almost all of them had divorced at least once parents and other family estrangement and complicated situations.

If we actually applied the principle that we wouldn't invite people with difficult family dynamics to our weddings because another guest might not be OK with it, or allowed the "hurt" parties to decide who got invited, then those weddings would've involve no more than half a dozen guests total . I'm actually laughing out loud at the thought of it, and it's extremely rare for me to laugh out loud in an online conversation.  Yes, there will be wedding guests at most weddings with extended family and friends that feel negative emotions about one or more guests.  Imagine!  Emotional discomfort among a group of humans in social circles! Whatever shall we do!?!??!? We'll deal with it with civility and pleasantness is what we'll do.

Honey, I'm talking about the bio parent invited to the wedding of the adult child that his ex-spouse ABDUCTED at age 7 and disappeared with for their entire childhood.  He put his intense feelings aside and was there with her mental patient (I mean that clinically) parent sitting a few tables over.  I was there sitting next to the bio parent when a friend of the bride innocently asked us, "How do you guys know the bride?" My step-dad smiled and said, "Well, I'm her father." The lady's face went sheet white as she realized there was a potential powder keg and had no idea how to respond.   He smiled reassuringly and made charming chit chat, putting her at ease.

That's love....and being an adult.   Love for the bride recently reconnected with because she's of age and can find her dad if she *#^%@#$#*%* wants to. She was an innocent child who had nothing to do with the conflict between her guests, so she should feel free to invite them and expect them to behave regardless of how they happen to feel. She isn't responsible for their feelings and she she shouldn't feel limited by them.

And if the bride is asking how you feel about it trying to stir up drama?  Shut that $#!^ down immediately.  When she calls asking under the guise of fearing for the poor fragile feelings of such a delicate flower,  then sound a cross between confused and neutral and say, "Well of course you should invite them.  Why would inviting them be a problem? You're the bride, you invite whoever you want to be there to share your joy on your special day." If it really does stir up negative feelings for you, and it legitimately might, it's none of her business.  Interpersonal conflict and the related feelings are not for public consumption. Just because someone asks doesn't mean it's appropriate to answer. The only kinds of 3rd parties to discuss those feelings with is a spouse/close confidant and a licensed family counselor. If you engage in discussion about it with nosy bride, you're sending a signal that it's her place to ask about it. It's not.  Boundaries, people. Boundaries.

Either go and be pleasant with every soul there, or if you can't manage it, don't go. I understand not being able to pull it off. My former step-sister (from the other side of my divorced family, not the side in the above scenario) found me on FB and we reconnected.  Several weeks later she invited me to her granny's funeral. I really liked her granny and one of her aunts, but I didn't trust myself, so I made the very difficult decision (I really wanted to see step-sister, step-brother, and step-aunt and support them) but I didn't think I could be pleasant to their mother who was married to my father from the time I was 12-16. I wasn't even sure I could be civil.  And that's not what people at a funeral need from guests.  I said I was so very sorry to hear about Tess dying and that I hoped their memories of her would always remain vivid for the rest of their lives, but I couldn't make it.  I didn't dump on her why. I did it because I love them.

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Scarlett, I'm really, really sorry this is happening and that it's so painful.  I'm sure there's nothing more heart-breaking than being estranged from your own child.  (I guess we don't know for sure if this is the circumstance, but it sounds like it.)

I know it sounds mostly settled, but just to add a few thoughts.  It sounds like the host was planning to invite both the other person and you either way, but she wanted you to know that she still cared about your feelings.  

I do think it's odd to be planning a wedding now in the midst of a pandemic, but putting that aside...

This next part I'll describe more in faith terms, knowing you're a faithful person.  I'll say that I generally really trust my instinct, or my conscience or whatever you want to call it.  But I think as Christians, we're sometimes called to put that aside, no matter how hard it is (and I do know), and meet that person where they're at, no matter how messy and ugly and uncomfortable it feels.  Just as Christ does for us.  Even if it goes against how we know it should be.  Just as Christ does for us.  That doesn't mean it will feel good or happy or comfortable.  But let love be the guide.  You don't need to expect a certain outcome, or say the right thing.  Just be there, and be open to possibilities.

I read a book this past summer about how if love is truly Christ-like, it will at times feel like a huge sacrifice.  It might feel very hard sometimes.  (Obviously this isn't supportive of abuse.  That's a whole different ball or wax!)

I'd RSVP with a yes but who knows what January will bring.  

 

 

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31 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

I find it bizarre that someone would even consider asking a guest anything of the sort.  Maybe it's because I come from an extremely complicated family dynamic, but of course, as 47 year old Gen Xer almost every peer I had had at least a tricky family dynamic because almost all of them had divorced at least once parents and other family estrangement and complicated situations.

If we actually applied the principle that we wouldn't invite people with difficult family dynamics to our weddings because another guest might not be OK with it, or allowed the "hurt" parties to decide who got invited, then those weddings would've involve no more than half a dozen guests total . I'm actually laughing out loud at the thought of it, and it's extremely rare for me to laugh out loud in an online conversation.  Yes, there will be wedding guests at most weddings with extended family and friends that feel negative emotions about one or more guests.  Imagine!  Emotional discomfort among a group of humans in social circles! Whatever shall we do!?!??!? We'll deal with it with civility and pleasantness is what we'll do.

Honey, I'm talking about the bio parent invited to the wedding of the adult child that his ex-spouse ABDUCTED at age 7 and disappeared with for their entire childhood.  He put his intense feelings aside and was there with her mental patient (I mean that clinically) parent sitting a few tables over.  I was there sitting next to the bio parent when a friend of the bride innocently asked us, "How do you guys know the bride?" My step-dad smiled and said, "Well, I'm her father." The lady's face went sheet white as she realized there was a potential powder keg and had no idea how to respond.   He smiled reassuringly and made charming chit chat, putting her at ease.

That's love....and being an adult.   Love for the bride recently reconnected with because she's of age and can find her dad if she *#^%@#$#*%* wants to. She was an innocent child who had nothing to do with the conflict between her guests, so she should feel free to invite them and expect them to behave regardless of how they happen to feel. She isn't responsible for their feelings and she she shouldn't feel limited by them.

And if the bride is asking how you feel about it trying to stir up drama?  Shut that $#!^ down immediately.  When she calls asking under the guise of fearing for the poor fragile feelings of such a delicate flower,  then sound a cross between confused and neutral and say, "Well of course you should invite them.  Why would inviting them be a problem? You're the bride, you invite whoever you want to be there to share your joy on your special day." If it really does stir up negative feelings for you, and it legitimately might, it's none of her business.  Interpersonal conflict and the related feelings are not for public consumption. Just because someone asks doesn't mean it's appropriate to answer. The only kinds of 3rd parties to discuss those feelings with is a spouse/close confidant and a licensed family counselor. If you engage in discussion about it with nosy bride, you're sending a signal that it's her place to ask about it. It's not.  Boundaries, people. Boundaries.

Either go and be pleasant with every soul there, or if you can't manage it, don't go. I understand not being able to pull it off. My former step-sister (from the other side of my divorced family, not the side in the above scenario) found me on FB and we reconnected.  Several weeks later she invited me to her granny's funeral. I really liked her granny and one of her aunts, but I didn't trust myself, so I made the very difficult decision (I really wanted to see step-sister, step-brother, and step-aunt and support them) but I didn't think I could be pleasant to their mother who was married to my father from the time I was 12-16. I wasn't even sure I could be civil.  And that's not what people at a funeral need from guests.  I said I was so very sorry to hear about Tess dying and that I hoped their memories of her would always remain vivid for the rest of their lives, but I couldn't make it.  I didn't dump on her why. I did it because I love them.

No one is trying to stir up drama.At all.  

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