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Say a close relative is having a wedding.... they will invite another less close relative to this wedding only with your approval due to some issues of a significant nature.  You really  in your heart would prefer to not have to deal with this other relative......what do you do?

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7 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

But we love each other an hope to speak again someday

 

For me, a wedding is a good place to start with this kind of situation. You can be polite, but there won’t be any opportunity to ‘get into’ the issues.  So you don’t have to worry about being ambushed or confronted. And even if it’s a small wedding, you can probably limit conversation to a quick greeting then just hang out with others.   

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So long as "significant issues" were not along the lines of there being a chance that someone was going to be harmed, I would say to the bride and groom to invite whomever they would like to have there.  I would not see that my level of comfort or discomfort with a situation would be more important than the bride and groom's wishes.  

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She wants both of you there, so she should invite both.  Full stop.  As you said, you can deal with it.  So can the other person.  And maybe you'll have the opportunity to smile and nod/wave, and maybe that will help break down the icy wall a bit.  

 

 

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11 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

To be clear I NEVER said, if you invite them I won’t come.  This is just my dear relative wanting me to be 100% comfortable. Her words, ‘. I Want you both, I want you more,’

She said that she wanted you both. The gracious response is “Invite us both.  We will be there for you on your special day.”  Then deal. 

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3 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

She said that she wanted you both. The gracious response is “Invite us both.  We will be there for you on your special day.”  Then deal. 

I said that. She still wants my definitive response.  I want to be honest . My honest answer is I would enjoy the wedding more without them there. 

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Person should invite whomever they want.

What is puzzling me is why she thought she should seek out your approval before extending an invitation to the troublesome relative.  What has the relative done that she is asking you before inviting relative?

I would expect adults to behave appropriately.  If I thought they couldn't or wouldn't, then they are not invited. 

Go if you wish.  Stay home if you prefer  Not sure why this is a quandary.

Edited by annandatje
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4 minutes ago, annandatje said:

Person should invite whomever they want.

What is puzzling me is why she thought she should seek out your approval before extending an invitation to the troublesome relative.  What has the relative done that she is asking you before inviting relative?

I would expect adults to behave appropriately.  If I thought they couldn't or wouldn't, then they are not invited. 

Go if you wish.  Stay home if you prefer  Not sure why this is a quandary.

Really? You can’t imagine any situation where the host as well as potential guest might be  in a qunadry?

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7 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I said that. She still wants my definitive response.  I want to be honest . My honest answer is I would enjoy the wedding more without them there. 

What exactly is the question that she wants an answer to?  Is the question really would you enjoy the wedding more or less if this person is there?

Personally, I would be much more troubled knowing that someone was not inviting another person to their wedding based on my enjoyment level.  I think an honest answer could be "I want you to invite the people it is important to you to invite.  It isn't about my level of enjoyment.  Any discomfort I might feel pales in comparison of my care, concern, and support for you." 

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13 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I said that. She still wants my definitive response.  I want to be honest . My honest answer is I would enjoy the wedding more without them there. 

Jean's response, “Invite us both.  We will be there for you on your special day.” can be 100% honest even if you would enjoy the wedding more without them there. 

Edited to add that you say you want to reconcile with the other guest in question. Knowing that, keep in mind that they are extremely likely to discover or assume that you are the reason they don't get invited. And, if they ask you, what are you going to say? 

Edited by katilac
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2 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

What exactly is the question that she wants an answer to?  Is the question really would you enjoy the wedding more or less if this person is there?

Personally, I would be much more troubled knowing that someone was not inviting another person to their wedding based on my enjoyment level.  I think an honest answer could be "I want you to invite the people it is important to you to invite.  It isn't about my level of enjoyment.  Any discomfort I might feel pales in comparison of my care, concern, and support for you." 

Well you are probably a bigger person than I am. 

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7 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Yes I tried this response. 

Then you've said all you need to say. If she presses, tell her you've already answered and pass the bean dip. "Jessie, I told you already to invite whoever you wish, and that I'll be there to celebrate your big day. There's really nothing more to say! Did you pick the menu for dinner yet?" 

Edited by katilac
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21 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Really? You can’t imagine any situation where the host as well as potential guest might be  in a qunadry?

No, based upon your description, I would not call this a quandary.  Implicit in that statement is that I expect adults to behave with grace and maturity.

 

Edited by annandatje
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In the end, she has to make the call. It's her wedding. From what you're saying, it almost sounds like she's pushing you until she gets a certain response she wants. This isn't so different from what others have said, but I'd just bluntly say, "Obviously I would rather not see X and I absolutely appreciate that you thought of me. But you and your decisions and wedding are up to you. I would feel terrible if you didn't have the wedding you wanted and needed. It seems like you want me to make this decision for you. But in the end, it's your call and I respect that." If pressed past that, honestly, I'm so blunt that I'd probably say that while it's hard, she can't put the responsibility for the decision and whatever consequences it has on you. You are managing your own relationships and want her to do the same.

 

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6 minutes ago, annandatje said:

No, based upon your description, I would not call this a quandary.  Honestly, if I felt that I should get your blessing to invite the relative, I probably would not invite either of you.  That may sound harsh, but life is short.  A few years ago I hosted periodic get-togethers with a group of women friends and acquaintances.  After A saying she did not want to attend if B did, and X didn't want to attend if Y came, I had had enough. I stopped inviting A, B, X and Y.  There were usually dozen or so people so it was not like you had only few people to talk with. 

You and another relative are not speaking.  If presence of relative would make you too uncomfortable to attend, bow out gracefully. 

Again to be very clear I NEVER said or suggested I would not come if this other person was invited.

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9 minutes ago, Farrar said:

In the end, she has to make the call. It's her wedding. From what you're saying, it almost sounds like she's pushing you until she gets a certain response she wants. This isn't so different from what others have said, but I'd just bluntly say, "Obviously I would rather not see X and I absolutely appreciate that you thought of me. But you and your decisions and wedding are up to you. I would feel terrible if you didn't have the wedding you wanted and needed. It seems like you want me to make this decision for you. But in the end, it's your call and I respect that." If pressed past that, honestly, I'm so blunt that I'd probably say that while it's hard, she can't put the responsibility for the decision and whatever consequences it has on you. You are managing your own relationships and want her to do the same.

 

Pretty much exactly what I:said.,

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19 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Again to be very clear I NEVER said or suggested I would not come if this other person was invited.

I know.  My example was another illustration of who-to-invite dilemma and how I decided to handle it.   In your original post, you stated that you would "prefer to not have to deal with this relative" which I interpreted as you would prefer not to deal with relative so bow out. 

Edited by annandatje
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A friend who had different parts of her family who simply could not share space eloped and only friends were allowed at the wedding in Vegas then held separate celebrations of the marriage for those folks. Seemed like a brilliant solution to me.

Scarlett, from what you're saying, you made it beyond clear that you are happy to abide by her decision and that it's genuinely her decision and you refuse to make it for her. I would stop responding to efforts to hash it out with you. Seconding the pass the bean dip advice if she tries. And good luck dealing with the person you're not speaking to. I have a fraught relationship with some family. I get it.

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You clearly want us to say, "Tell the bride that you would rather she didn't invite this other person."  But honestly, that's a terrible thing to say.  It just is, even if you don't like this other person.  

Not that anyone should be holding an indoor wedding now.  

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I would say that I was not going to make that decision for her.  I'd make it clear that I'd be in attendance no matter what she decided but I wasn't going to make the decision.  And then I wouldn't let her try to push the decision back on me.

If I were to somehow decide that me making the decision was appropriate and I was like you and wanted to speak with the person again someday , then I would tell the bride to invite them.  Then I would figure out if this wedding was the time to try to talk to them.

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Another way I would try to think about it is if I truly wanted reconciliation with this person and that was to happen;, how would I feel, say 5 years down the road if my friend had not invited someone she wanted to to her wedding because her wedding just happened to occur during the six months, two years, or whatever that the other person and I were not speaking?    But, if the wedding occurred before or after that time period, the bride would have invited the person.  

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1 hour ago, Bootsie said:

Another way I would try to think about it is if I truly wanted reconciliation with this person and that was to happen;, how would I feel, say 5 years down the road if my friend had not invited someone she wanted to to her wedding because her wedding just happened to occur during the six months, two years, or whatever that the other person and I were not speaking?    But, if the wedding occurred before or after that time period, the bride would have invited the person.  

I agree. Finding out that they weren't invited to a loved one's wedding because you gave the word isn't going to help and would most likely just contribute more hurt. I don't know what happened between you all though, so it's just really impossible to give responsible advice without knowing more details. 

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6 hours ago, Scarlett said:

 I want to be honest . My honest answer is I would enjoy the wedding more without them there. 

But the wedding is not about whether you enjoy it or not - it's about the couple. She clearly wants you both.

If you ever hope for reconciliation with the other person, having her uninvited because of your preference isn't going to make that likely. 

All that said, my WWYD is that I would not be attending any wedding at all in the forseeable future.

Edited by regentrude
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It’s a small world, and my cousin’s (now) wife was friends with my ex’s wife before any of us realized it. While our blended family has done our best over the years, we have MAJOR issues with each other that run deep and dark. When cousin’s then-fiancé mentioned struggling with whether to invite them to the wedding, I was 100% sincere when I told her to DO IT! It was her wedding, not mine!  None of the four of us would ever cause a scene at an event.

She still chose not to (unless she did and they declined and no one told me) and I feel awful about it to this day.  I shouldn’t have been any sort of source of discomfort on their wedding day.  My issues are my own, personal problem.

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I would encourage you to go beyond saying it's her choice (which seems to be quietly saying you don't want it) and actually encourage her. All the way to "I want you to have everyone at your wedding you want and I'll deal with my issues." And then hire a hunk and show up in a bright red dress or whatever it takes. Maybe not the bright red dress.

My parents hadn't spoken in 20 years and were both coming to my brother's wedding. I chose not to go because I was being expected to take care of my dad. I said I wouldn't choose sides like that, sitting with one and not the other, and asked his other close family to go as his support people instead.  I will say that they talked after 20 years and it was healing for my mother. It doesn't sound like you see an outcome where this is healing or strengthening or affirming for you. Is there a way to change that? It wasn't healing for my father, only destabilizing, because it made him sad. I think that's something only you can know.

Probably the person wants both people at the wedding. I think the only question is how you handle it, unfortunately. 

Btw, why are they even having a wedding like that??? We've had huge outbreaks in our state, with half the people infected at these "scaled down" weddings. It's crazy. If they have a wedding party and parents only, everyone stands back, no reception, then this is a nothing. You can put up with the person and their presence for 20 minutes. 

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8 hours ago, Farrar said:

while it's hard, she can't put the responsibility for the decision and whatever consequences it has on you. You are managing your own relationships and want her to do the same.

 

Putting emphasis on the fact that being around the other person would be extremely difficult for you, (and I can imagine situations where this would be true for someone) I agree with the quoted above. Your friend sounds like a caring friend, but it would be difficult (if I were in your place) to be put into this position. I guess I don’t have any good advice. Just maybe your friend doesn’t see that she’s making this hard for you?Of course it’s uncomfortable for you to be around said person. I guess I’m leaning toward the idea that it’s her choice to make, and you just gently need to let her know that. Maybe?

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11 hours ago, katilac said:

Jean's response, “Invite us both.  We will be there for you on your special day.” can be 100% honest even if you would enjoy the wedding more without them there. 

Edited to add that you say you want to reconcile with the other guest in question. Knowing that, keep in mind that they are extremely likely to discover or assume that you are the reason they don't get invited. And, if they ask you, what are you going to say? 

I decided to strongly encourage her to invite the other party.  Something happened to me while I was sleeping last night because I no longer care.  LOL....not to mention Dh and I probably won't be going anyway due to the virus.  She is begging me though.  This is the first event that has been difficult for me to not attend.  I feel really bad about it.  But none of them seem to take it seriously which makes them a dangerous bunch to be around.  

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19 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I decided to strongly encourage her to invite the other party.  Something happened to me while I was sleeping last night because I no longer care.  LOL....not to mention Dh and I probably won't be going anyway due to the virus.  She is begging me though.  This is the first event that has been difficult for me to not attend.  I feel really bad about it.  But none of them seem to take it seriously which makes them a dangerous bunch to be around.  

I agree with your decision not to go. Unless you go only long enough to see the ceremony (with mask on) and then head out immediately afterwards. 

When I read your OP, my first thought was, “No way would I be going to a wedding!” The only way I’d go is if the people hosting it were super serious about the virus and were going to be extremely careful about distancing all the guests. 

If I was having a wedding now, it would only be parents and maybe a couple of best friends, more as witnesses than anything else.

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3 minutes ago, Garga said:

I agree with your decision not to go. Unless you go only long enough to see the ceremony (with mask on) and then head out immediately afterwards. 

When I read your OP, my first thought was, “No way would I be going to a wedding!” The only way I’d go is if the people hosting it were super serious about the virus and were going to be extremely careful about distancing all the guests. 

If I was having a wedding now, it would only be parents and maybe a couple of best friends, more as witnesses than anything else.

I know right.  I feel so sorry for the bride....she is one of those girls who has dreamed of this big wedding her entire life....it was planned for last May and Covid ruined that PLUS her maid of honor committed suicide a month before the wedding was suppose to take place.  So now it is planned for January and who knows what things will be like by then.  

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1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

But none of them seem to take it seriously which makes them a dangerous bunch to be around.  

That seems like a great solution, if they actually hold the wedding, simply not to go. And if the bride is begging, just wow. She really does not get it. How will she feel when vulnerable people who attend get sick and have lifelong consequences because she just HAD to have that party?

 

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

So now it is planned for January and who knows what things will be like by then.  

It's going to be worse, not better. The vaccines will go to health care workers, but it's spreading like wildfire right now and going to get worse with holiday partying. What I'm hearing anecdotally from relatives in other states is that at least a percentage of people are going to go forward and do whatever they want. Our governor's orders are not going to make a difference either. So the numbers will still be high.

She could have a private ceremony now with just a very few people and an officiant and have a reception next spring, in May like she had intended. By then, especially if it's outdoors, it would probably be fine. They're saying the spreading is happening at the reception, so punting on that is wise. 

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1 minute ago, PeterPan said:

That seems like a great solution, if they actually hold the wedding, simply not to go. And if the bride is begging, just wow. She really does not get it. How will she feel when vulnerable people who attend get sick and have lifelong consequences because she just HAD to have that party?

 

It's going to be worse, not better. The vaccines will go to health care workers, but it's spreading like wildfire right now and going to get worse with holiday partying. What I'm hearing anecdotally from relatives in other states is that at least a percentage of people are going to go forward and do whatever they want. Our governor's orders are not going to make a difference either. So the numbers will still be high.

She could have a private ceremony now with just a very few people and an officiant and have a reception next spring, in May like she had intended. By then, especially if it's outdoors, it would probably be fine. They're saying the spreading is happening at the reception, so punting on that is wise. 

I tried to get her to have the wedding in her mother's back yard with just parents and siblings...but she is dead set on this big wedding.  I completely agree with you that it is going to be worse by January.  I doubt there is any way dh will agree to us going.  

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