Jump to content

Menu

Dating/Online dating....how to meet someone when you are older


Ottakee
 Share

Recommended Posts

I am not sure I am ready (or ever will be ready) to venture back into the relationship world, but 2 of my friends have recently suggested I need to do this.

How do you find and meet people?  First of all, I am a Christian so would want a fellow believer.   Next, I am 50 with 3 special needs young adult kids.  Then there is COVID.   Obviously, if you read my blog, there is some history as well.

So, if I do venture this way, how do people find decent people to date?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The older women are, the more the ratios of male to female are tilted toward a guy shortage.  So the best advice is to start ASAP.

Also, what I have heard is to find an interest group and participate.  It's fun and you might meet someone.  I have a friend who found boyfriends in her 70s by joining Sierra Singles (the singles hiking and backpacking group in the Sierra Club) and going on their outings.  It was very educational for me to hear her stories.  

Something some other friends thought was that old guys often were looking for someone younger to fit into their lives and take care of them in their dotage.  This could get very complicated with kids from prior marriages.  The same lady I mentioned above had one experience like that, and it was really hard.  I think the guy actually liked her a lot, but he was much older and less healthy, and he lived out in the country.  He wanted her to sell her city house and move in with him, and was planning to leave her a life interest in the house--meaning that she would not inherit it, but could live there as long as she was alive.  But his adult kids didn't like her very much, and she pictured getting swallowed into this big family in which she was a bit of an interloper, losing all her city friends/associations/interests/church, and ending up alone in a house she never wanted with the family circling, waiting for her to leave so they could finally sell the big house.  She said no, but it was hard.

  • Sad 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I’d be wary of “Christian” sites, they tend to attract controlling fundamentalists IME.  And it’s best to meet someone for coffee ASAP.  Not only can you weed out weirdos that way, older women face a lot of catfish situations online. Do NOT get too involved with anyone without meeting them, and don’t give anyone money for any reason. 
 

Honestly you’ll likely have better results spending the next 6 months working on yourself and then joining clubs you’re interested in, church hopping, and having friends set you up. 

  • Like 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites

(My mom remarried in this age range.)

I second the join-a-club/be set up by friends suggestion. You sound like you are only really interested in meeting someone if it has the potential to be a serious relationship. You are better off putting yourself in the position to meet people who have similar interests to you at a club than just fishing around online (if you have the time for that). I met my husband online but in a different age bracket, so I’m not 100% opposed if you want to just have it going on in the background. Just quit if you get discouraged. My mom was widowed and single for several years. She met my stepdad—also widowed—while volunteering together at church in a children’s ministry. She was dealing with several kids, a small business and personal life stress, so she never dated around before him. For her the volunteering was just part of parenting and something she would have done anyway. Same for him. If you join a club you at least come away with the enjoyment of the club activity even if no dates come of it.  If you want to check out an over 50s singles group go ahead—just be aware that they may not be a great place to meet someone. My mom found them to be for people who like a good time (which she wasn’t up for given her life), people who for whatever reason never grew up or for people who weren’t ready to date for whatever reason (which is their right but limits the pool).  It helps to remember that being Christian is a faith, not a hobby or interest. Christians can be found out in public doing other things, but the small group of singles at your area church may or may not include a Christian who is interested in the same things you are otherwise. Maybe a special needs parenting group or an advocacy group for your child/ren’s needs would be a great place to find someone. I wish you the best in your search for someone new!  

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for the advice.  I do know people who have met through eHarmony and Christian mingle...and married.

The club/activity thing is great....but covid.   Our state is being hit hard and I am limiting myself to my kids that are in duplex but need support and very occasionally my mom.  Other than that it is all outdoor activities....hiking, walking, biking...and soon skiing, snowshoeing, etc.

Maybe a friend would go with me in a group hike, etc.  I am not doing something like that without back up.  Likely everything would be great and fine, but....going out into the wood with people you don't know....

And I don't know if I want serious, or just someone to do stuff with (more friend) or just stay with what I have.  I do know I don't want a hook up type thing.

I don't drink and while an occasional social drink is fine, I don't want a drinker or party person so bars, clubs, etc. Are out.

I don't even know if my friends know anyone to do the friend of a friend thing.   

This is just hard.   Mini mid life crisis here.

Edited by Ottakee
  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My sister met her dh (second marriages for both, after 50), at a local church singles group.  It was a large group at a large church, and it attracted singles from other churches too.  The church had a reputation for being really solid -- not extremist.  She met an absolutely wonderful guy.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

13 hours ago, Ottakee said:

This is just hard.   Mini mid life crisis here.

Somewhat off topic here...

It sounds like you are discouraged, and I get it. Please know that much of this discouragement is likely Covid-related. This is a discouraging time for many people, in general. I just wanted to pop in and encourage you that much of the "hard" is not you, but it is Covid wrecking our normal socializing and community-related activities. 

Now back to the topic. I hope you find healthy and happy companionship. You posts always sound as if you are an active, adventurous, and generous person. Those are all attractive qualities. 

  • Like 13
Link to comment
Share on other sites

25 minutes ago, Lisa R. said:

Somewhat off topic here...

It sounds like you are discouraged, and I get it. Please know that much of this discouragement is likely Covid-related. This is a discouraging time for many people, in general. I just wanted to pop in and encourage you that much of the "hard" is not you, but it is Covid wrecking our normal socializing and community-related activities. 

Now back to the topic. I hope you find healthy and happy companionship. You posts always sound as if you are an active, adventurous, and generous person. Those are all attractive qualities. 

Thanks.  COVID is hard.  I work with special needs young adults and parents 3 plus a son in law with special needs so I really miss adult level conversation where I can discuss thoughts and ideas, etc 

Thank you for your kind words about me too.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

15 hours ago, Ottakee said:

Thanks for the advice.  I do know people who have met through eHarmony and Christian mingle...and married.

The club/activity thing is great....but covid.   Our state is being hit hard and I am limiting myself to my kids that are in duplex but need support and very occasionally my mom.  Other than that it is all outdoor activities....hiking, walking, biking...and soon skiing, snowshoeing, etc.

Maybe a friend would go with me in a group hike, etc.  I am not doing something like that without back up.  Likely everything would be great and fine, but....going out into the wood with people you don't know....

And I don't know if I want serious, or just someone to do stuff with (more friend) or just stay with what I have.  I do know I don't want a hook up type thing.

I don't drink and while an occasional social drink is fine, I don't want a drinker or party person so bars, clubs, etc. Are out.

I don't even know if my friends know anyone to do the friend of a friend thing.   

This is just hard.   Mini mid life crisis here.

 

Yes, I hear you. Most of the local groups in my area have shut down. I do have female friends that I talk to a lot during the week, but I wouldn't mind having a more mixed group to do things with. I think if it ever happens for me, it will be because of a long, slow association. My young adults live with me, but I need my own friends and adult conversation. 

I also know people who have married through the apps, but I also know people who did it for awhile and said NEVER again. Too many weirdos and people trying to hide things!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Both of dh and my parents are divorced. The healthier half of each of those sets of parents (my mom and dh's dad) turned to online dating when they were ready to start dating again. Both met and married fantastic people and have been in these second marriages for 18 and 16 years respectively. All are Christians and were able to navigate that on normal dating sites. I also know a very solid couple who met on Christian Mingle. 

 

Don't feel pressured into doing anything. I know multiple divorced women who are completely happy on their own. Nothing is a permanent decision. 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My boyfriend is someone I was friends with from school before we started a relationship. I really needed for a relationship to develop from a friendship and not just start dating someone, as I had/have severe trust issues from my ex-dh. 

We have similar interests and lifestyles, so yes, I'd suggest church groups or other interest-based groups. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

14 minutes ago, elegantlion said:

My boyfriend is someone I was friends with from school before we started a relationship. I really needed for a relationship to develop from a friendship and not just start dating someone, as I had/have severe trust issues from my ex-dh. 

We have similar interests and lifestyles, so yes, I'd suggest church groups or other interest-based groups. 

Trust issues will be a huge thing, esp since I still have kids at home (even if they are young adults).

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 11/20/2020 at 8:56 PM, Ottakee said:

<snip>

Maybe a friend would go with me in a group hike, etc.  I am not doing something like that without back up.  Likely everything would be great and fine, but....going out into the wood with people you don't know....

<snip>

Just a quick note on this. I used to hike quite a bit with Sierra Singles (mentioned above); at that time I was in my early 30s and the group had a huge age range. The hikes had 2 leaders, and everyone stayed together.  It was extremely non-threatening. There are probably other organized groups which would be safe. (I don't know if Sierra Club has chapters/group everywhere.)  

I'm sorry you are struggling. This is a hard time for all but in particular people who want/need to connect and make new relationships.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

52 minutes ago, marbel said:

Just a quick note on this. I used to hike quite a bit with Sierra Singles (mentioned above); at that time I was in my early 30s and the group had a huge age range. The hikes had 2 leaders, and everyone stayed together.  It was extremely non-threatening. There are probably other organized groups which would be safe. (I don't know if Sierra Club has chapters/group everywhere.)  

I'm sorry you are struggling. This is a hard time for all but in particular people who want/need to connect and make new relationships.

A nice organized group for hiking would be fine.  I just don't want to solo join up with a FB post type group.

Hopefully by spring things will be better.   Relationship or no, group hikes sound fun...if they are in my ability level.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 months later...
On 11/20/2020 at 4:15 PM, Katy said:

I’d be wary of “Christian” sites, they tend to attract controlling fundamentalists IME.  And it’s best to meet someone for coffee ASAP.  Not only can you weed out weirdos that way, older women face a lot of catfish situations online. Do NOT get too involved with anyone without meeting them, and don’t give anyone money for any reason. 
 

Honestly you’ll likely have better results spending the next 6 months working on yourself and then joining clubs you’re interested in, church hopping, and having friends set you up. 

I don't advise christian forums, I've once discovered some forums with Christians there, however it was total nightmare, these people are too much in love with God and themselves. Although it sounds weird, it is true. I've found there some really caring and kind-hearted guys, but consequently they turned out to be narcissists... As far as I am concerned, if you feel like your partner is kinda narcissist type, I'd advise to escape and avoid such kind of relationship. No one loves manipulation and devaluation. You deserve to be loved, cared for and to have a real soul mate supporting all your desires and stopping you if it is needed!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Honestly, I'd just wait it out until Covid restrictions are lifted.

54yo here and I am not sure, but I think I'll be OK being single forever if that's how it works out.  But I'm open to other ideas.  There is an ex (nice guy) who got back in contact with me after a marriage and divorce.  He cares for his aged mom, so there will be no meeting until Covid is over (if ever).  I also don't know if I'm the only person he's contacting.  But my theme is, there's no hurry.  It's not like our biological clocks are ticking.

I've briefly met people at church and at kid-oriented things, but I've always been so busy thinking about work and kids that I don't even notice the opportunity until it's passed.  😛  All in good time / if it's meant to be, it will be.

Don't let people pressure you about this.  It's your life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, SKL said:

Oh haha, I just realized this is old ....

No worries.   I have same ideas as you.  I am fine with staying single but open to something if it come about.  

I am just hoping to get out more in my community as covid restrictions loosen and meet people....of all ages and stages of life.  I joined the community garden for this too.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 months later...

Revisiting this older post

Covid restrictions are way down.  I joined a local outdoor activity group for adults about my age.....and so far the only single guy has special needs (comes with his sister).   I will continue to join them on outings as it is fun but it won't be a source of any dates.

I am reading (ok re-reading) the book Matched and there are a lot of good ideas in there.  I don't agree with all of her stuff but enough to make the book worthwhile..... especially as I got it as a free Kindle download.

  • Like 9
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 7/24/2021 at 10:12 PM, Ottakee said:

Revisiting this older post

Covid restrictions are way down.  I joined a local outdoor activity group for adults about my age.....and so far the only single guy has special needs (comes with his sister).   I will continue to join them on outings as it is fun but it won't be a source of any dates.

I am reading (ok re-reading) the book Matched and there are a lot of good ideas in there.  I don't agree with all of her stuff but enough to make the book worthwhile..... especially as I got it as a free Kindle download.

Keep updating this post as you go. I am 48 and going to be divorcing my narcissist husband soon. I am devastated but I know I want to find a partner in the future. I have the exact same questions as you. I met my soon-to-be ex at my front door. I hired him to work on my house. It led to years of stress, and when we married extreme abuse. So I want to do this right this time. 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Michelle My Bell said:

Keep updating this post as you go. I am 48 and going to be divorcing my narcissist husband soon. I am devastated but I know I want to find a partner in the future. I have the exact same questions as you. I met my soon-to-be ex at my front door. I hired him to work on my house. It led to years of stress, and when we married extreme abuse. So I want to do this right this time. 

Well, my ex is in prison so I need to get it right next time.  I am still in the thinking stages.   I have second round job interview tomorrow and if I get that job it will mean more work....more pay, but more work.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

24 minutes ago, Ottakee said:

Well, my ex is in prison so I need to get it right next time.  I am still in the thinking stages.   I have second round job interview tomorrow and if I get that job it will mean more work....more pay, but more work.

Good luck with your interview tomorrow!!!

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Catwoman said:

Good luck with your interview tomorrow!!!

Thanks.   We have heavy storms headed our way so praying we don't have a power outage in the morning.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...