Here's a WWYD?

[BlsdMama]

Thanksgiving.  
Four families.

Family A - 2 adults, 70yo.  One has had Covid, one has not.  Isolating largely but still going to stores in person on occasion, masked.
Family B - 2 adults, 1 child - 2 have had confirmed Covid, kiddo was not tested, has been attending school in person.
Family C - 2 adults - 1 has had Covid, 1 has not.  The one that has not has recently done battle (and won) over Cancer.  Not totally isolated, but largely. 1 just returned to work in person.
Family D - ours No positive Covid tests yet.  We pulled out of almost all activities except Mock.  Then four kids hit a positive.  Our 11yo had three confirmed exposures a week ago, but they were all from kids of the other team, so distant exposures.
The young adults: 1 has had Covid recently, 2 unknowns, my DD1 has had Covid recently, my DS lived with his roommate during 2 weeks of quarantine while roommate was positive, in a tiny apartment.  He never tested.  DD3 works in a nursing home so there is obvious risk of exposure.  She is tested twice per week and has had no known exposures.

I think *we* are the only ones uncomfortable with getting together.    
I assume the risk is crazy low because they've all gotten it recently -our niece was married a month ago at a small wedding with dinner/dance, hence all the positives.  How WE didn't get it, nine kids living at home, and some of them lick random things, I will NEVER understand, but thank you God.  

IF our hospitals weren't bad... I wouldn't give this a second thought.  My side isn't getting together but we never do Thanksgiving together.  
Normally, we'd just say no.  We did at Easter.  But, mil and fil are headed to Florida until spring.  I feel like such a jerk even considering keeping them away from their grandkids.

[Acorn]

For my family, we would not get together. I wish you all the best, and wish everyone good health. It is so hard to be facing these decisions.

[NorthwestMom]

Don't go. You are high risk.  Missing one Thanksgiving dinner this year will be a disappointment.  If you get covid and can't get the right medical care because the hospitals are full, you'll miss a lot more than one event. Your family needs you alive.  Please don't go. 

[Bambam]

I don't think grandparents rights to grandkids trumps health and safety of family.  I might be sad we couldn't all get together, but I would not feel like a jerk.  This is an unusual year, so different rules apply. There are risks to the grandparents if you all gather too. 

[Spryte]

Hospitals are full there?  My family would regretfully skip, and we would be sad, frustrated, and missing other family members.  

It’s a tough decision.  Happy Thanksgiving, whatever you do, and may you all stay healthy.

[catz]

Absolutely not.  If I wanted to see them before they left, I’d do a distanced masked driveway get together for less than an hour.

[caedmyn]

Did the adults in A and C who haven’t have COVID have negative tests, or not test?  To me it seems likely that they’ve had it, possibly with very mild symptoms, if they share a household with someone who has.  Seems very likely the kid got it when his/her parents had it.
 

In the end you have to do what you feel comfortable doing.  Is asking the adults who haven’t had it to isolate fully before the event, or test beforehand, a possibility?

[mlktwins]

We are not getting together this year.  My in-laws are 94 and will have dinner with my SIL who helps DH care for them.  I will take food to my dad and sit with him while he eats (I am masked the entire time I'm there).  The 4 of us will eat a nice meal at home just us this year.  I'm fine with it.  Quite frankly, I don't have the energy this year to do more than that.  All of us (my family) are still in phase 1 lock down mode though, except my dad lives in an apartment building and has risk there.  I'm exhausted by all of it.

ETA:  I know from your posts what your future holds, but I would want to be around for my kids as long as possible.  That would be my main goal.  Because of your high risk, I would not go.

Edited November 16, 2020 by mlktwins

[Starr]

I think reevaluating every decision is so wearying. Covid has not gone away and your hospitals are full. It's best practice to make a plan and stay with it. I like the outside, masked and distanced visit. 

[teachermom2834]

I would not consider it all or nothing. Skipping Thanksgiving doesn’t need to mean denying grandparents the opportunity to see their grandchildren.

I struggle with my dad on this. He is alone because my mom died and he is a very social person. He is very close to my children. It has been really hard on him. 
 

But I canceled the family Thanksgiving I traditionally host. I would not have been able to enjoy it because I would have been so concerned about all the families mixing from all over and being in my house for hours. My dad is very unhappy.

But I would see my dad with my kids in other circumstances. We have even met him out in a restaurant. I know indoor dining is too risky for some people but for us it seems less so. We go at slow times and we don’t hang around. So visiting across a table from him for an hour or so versus having him in my home all day long and having the kids climb up close to him, etc. 
 

I wouldn’t do the big Thanksgiving gathering but I would do something else to visit (distanced, masked, fewer people, shorter time). 

[Katy]

I’d skip it. Even if the hospital can get you in, you’ll get sub-par care with all the staff at their breaking point. 

[Matryoshka]

9 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

I would not consider it all or nothing. Skipping Thanksgiving doesn’t need to mean denying grandparents the opportunity to see their grandchildren.

I struggle with my dad on this. He is alone because my mom died and he is a very social person. He is very close to my children. It has been really hard on him. 
 

But I canceled the family Thanksgiving I traditionally host. I would not have been able to enjoy it because I would have been so concerned about all the families mixing from all over and being in my house for hours. My dad is very unhappy.

But I would see my dad with my kids in other circumstances. We have even met him out in a restaurant. I know indoor dining is too risky for some people but for us it seems less so. We go at slow times and we don’t hang around. So visiting across a table from him for an hour or so versus having him in my home all day long and having the kids climb up close to him, etc. 
 

I wouldn’t do the big Thanksgiving gathering but I would do something else to visit (distanced, masked, fewer people, shorter time). 

This. We're doing Thanksgiving itself with just our immediate family, but are going to try to get together outside, weather permitting (north here), just a few people at a time, and maybe bring our own leftovers and pie.  That may mean over a few weeks, even. But it isn't one large traditional gathering or nothing...

[JustEm]

Under those circumstances, no way would I do Thanksgiving.  If hospitals in my area were full my entire risk assessment process would be different.  We are celebrating Thanksgiving with some of my family members, the ones that are in our pod pretty much. But if hospitals were full in this area we'd be making our pod smaller.

[happi duck]

We normally host a family Halloween party and cancelled so at the same time we all agreed not to gather for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

From what I've read these are the sort of gatherings driving the spread. 

If my kids had grandparents or if I had parents we would amp up interaction by adding letters and zoom in addition to phone calls.

[mommyoffive]

Nope, nope, nope.  For so many reasons.  Your hospitals are full there.  I think you guys are just a little behind WI in regards to numbers.  You have high risk people.  You have people that are doing high risk things like working and having recent exposure to people with Covid.    And I am confused, I thought after the wedding a lot of your family  had covid.  In this post you said nobody in your family had a positive test.  But then you said one of your dd had covid.  

Your FIL and MIL just saw the kids at the wedding?  Or have seen them since March?   There are lots of safe ways for them to "see" them.  Zoom calls, calling, emails.  If you did some outdoor visit with them distanced and with masks, maybe.   But we are so bad right now, but yet so close to having great vaccines. Another one announced this morning that they have 95% efficacy and that it might be out by December.   

[mlktwins]

1 hour ago, teachermom2834 said:

I would not consider it all or nothing. Skipping Thanksgiving doesn’t need to mean denying grandparents the opportunity to see their grandchildren.

I struggle with my dad on this. He is alone because my mom died and he is a very social person. He is very close to my children. It has been really hard on him. 
 

But I canceled the family Thanksgiving I traditionally host. I would not have been able to enjoy it because I would have been so concerned about all the families mixing from all over and being in my house for hours. My dad is very unhappy.

But I would see my dad with my kids in other circumstances. We have even met him out in a restaurant. I know indoor dining is too risky for some people but for us it seems less so. We go at slow times and we don’t hang around. So visiting across a table from him for an hour or so versus having him in my home all day long and having the kids climb up close to him, etc. 
 

I wouldn’t do the big Thanksgiving gathering but I would do something else to visit (distanced, masked, fewer people, shorter time). 

My dad is alone too!  We do Zoom with him occasionally, but my boys started playing on-line chess with him 6 nights a week.  They talk on the phone while playing on their ipads.  Dad loves this and it keeps his mind going.  His short term memory is going, but he knows which day it is and which kid is going to be playing him that day.  I drive dad over to talk the kids in the driveway every so often.  Dad sees me a few times a week for groceries and cleaning.  Ironically enough, we moved him from his single family home to an apartment to keep him safe from the stairs, etc.  Now he isn't as safe in his apartment because of Covid.  Can't win for trying.

Edited November 16, 2020 by mlktwins

[BlsdMama]

1 hour ago, caedmyn said:

Did the adults in A and C who haven’t have COVID have negative tests, or not test?  To me it seems likely that they’ve had it, possibly with very mild symptoms, if they share a household with someone who has.  Seems very likely the kid got it when his/her parents had it.
 

In the end you have to do what you feel comfortable doing.  Is asking the adults who haven’t had it to isolate fully before the event, or test beforehand, a possibility?

So this is the discussion. Likely have had. 
This is death by 1,000 decisions. 
Pulled kids from classes - ✅ 
Pulled daughter from play - ✅ 

Mock practice now from home - ✅ 

Called mil about Thanksgiving - ✅ 

Ask DD4 to go off schedule at her job - ✅ 

Take away things my kids love - ✅ ✅ ✅

 

I. Hate. This.

 
 

We’ve decided to stick a fork in the family Thanksgiving.

 

Separately, I think we are also calling our family Thanksgiving but wavering. (Adult daughter tests twice a week for work, adult daughter had Covid last month but husband did not, adult son with the roommate scenario VERY likely had it.) 

1 hour ago, Starr said:

I think reevaluating every decision is so wearying. Covid has not gone away and your hospitals are full. It's best practice to make a plan and stay with it. I like the outside, masked and distanced visit. 

This. NE Iowa is not ideal for an outdoor Thanksgiving, but cheers to hoping for a freak 70 degree day, LOL! 
 

Currently we are planning a massive fudge bake-off and home deliveries to the young adults. Still hate this. No matter how much lipstick I put on the if, still a pig. We wouldn’t have cxl’d immediately family but my sil’s building has had eight positives and my daughter attended a large function the other night 🤦‍♀️ (masked) but then had breakfast with unmasked friends this AM who attended same function. Frustrated. Head hurts. 

[prairiewindmomma]

We’re setting up a Zoom Thanksgiving. Zoom has waived the 40 min free plan limit for Thanksgiving.

 

[Lecka]

I am pretty disappointed about what our Thanksgiving and Christmas are probably going to look like, too.  Really pretty disappointed.  I am scared about the hospital situation where I am, though, and I am really hoping that vaccines will be available soon and then things will be different.  

I am sorry for your situation!  I hate this and I hate disappointing other people and being the one to ruin things.  

[mlktwins]

4 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

So this is the discussion. Likely have had. 
This is death by 1,000 decisions. 
Pulled kids from classes - ✅ 
Pulled daughter from play - ✅ 

Mock practice now from home - ✅ 

Called mil about Thanksgiving - ✅ 

Ask DD4 to go off schedule at her job - ✅ 

Take away things my kids love - ✅ ✅ ✅

 

I. Hate. This.

 
 

We’ve decided to stick a fork in the family Thanksgiving.

 

Separately, I think we are also calling our family Thanksgiving but wavering. (Adult daughter tests twice a week for work, adult daughter had Covid last month but husband did not, adult son with the roommate scenario VERY likely had it.) 

This. NE Iowa is not ideal for an outdoor Thanksgiving, but cheers to hoping for a freak 70 degree day, LOL! 
 

Currently we are planning a massive fudge bake-off and home deliveries to the young adults. Still hate this. No matter how much lipstick I put on the if, still a pig. We wouldn’t have cxl’d immediately family but my sil’s building has had eight positives and my daughter attended a large function the other night 🤦‍♀️ (masked) but then had breakfast with unmasked friends this AM who attended same function. Frustrated. Head hurts. 

I'm so sorry!!!  No, it isn't the same despite the amount and color of the lipstick!!!  And...it is wearying to have to keep making these kinds of decisions. 

[prairiewindmomma]

I re-read your post.

It sounds like you are feeling guilty for “taking away things my kids love”.  Unless you are deity incarnate and personally afflicting the world with the plague, um, no. You are making rational decisions based on current circumstances that you did not cause or create. 

 

 

[BlsdMama]

13 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

I re-read your post.

It sounds like you are feeling guilty for “taking away things my kids love”.  Unless you are deity incarnate and personally afflicting the world with the plague, um, no. You are making rational decisions based on current circumstances that you did not cause or create. 

 

 

So guilty. And compounded by two people I genuinely respect that are “surprised” by my “ fearful” reaction. 
 

Perception doesn’t equal truth, but I’m still feeling really angry, really hurt, and yes, really guilty. 

[mlktwins]

13 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

I re-read your post.

It sounds like you are feeling guilty for “taking away things my kids love”.  Unless you are deity incarnate and personally afflicting the world with the plague, um, no. You are making rational decisions based on current circumstances that you did not cause or create. 

 

 

Thank you for writing this.  As my boys missed yet another swim meet this weekend with our year round swim team that they quit this year.  It is the right decision for us and our circumstances, but it totally breaks my heart.  Swim was their passion...

[Katy]

I’m sure your kids would rather have more time with you than any of those things you think you took away from them. Even if they don’t think that way *NOW* they definitely will as adults. You didn’t cause the pandemic. None of this is your fault. It’s not your fault. 

[barnwife]

I am sorry this is hard for you. As far as keeping grandparents form grandkids...I have you beat! MIL still hasn't met DS2 months because she has absolutely no caution re: the pandemic. She sent me an excited email not long ago about attending a large group gathering, some inside, with no masks. 

So, no, she can't see me, which means she isn't seeing the kids. (Which probably annoys her extra because she knows my mom has seen baby. The difference is that my mom stayed at home for weeks before coming to visit.)

As others have said, do not feel guilty. We are all trying to make the best choices in this horrid situation. In your place, I wouldn't join a gathering. Release any guilt for saying no to getting together. 

[NorthwestMom]

 I want to add my story, which heavily influences my own thinking:

My dad died of cancer when I was 8 years old, more than 40 years ago. I don't remember the last Thanksgiving or the last Christmas Eve or Christmas Day we spent together. I *DO* remember the exact day after Christmas when he and my mom left for the hospital so he could have the exploratory surgery that led to his diagnosis. I remember standing in the living room with the light blue carpet as they walked out the door. He never came home. If missing one of those holidays would have given me extra months or years with him, I would trade that in a heartbeat. I can't even remember his voice anymore. Don't overvalue Thanksgiving. Family time together is valuable, but risking your expected lifespan quantity of ongoing normal happy family time for a turkey dinner is not worth it. IMHO. The health and safety of family members is my top priority.

[TCB]

5 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

So guilty. And compounded by two people I genuinely respect that are “surprised” by my “ fearful” reaction. 
 

Perception doesn’t equal truth, but I’m still feeling really angry, really hurt, and yes, really guilty. 

I know it’s really hard when not everyone thinks the same way. But you really are doing the right thing by being careful. I work in an ICU looking after Covid patients and what they have to go through is horrible. This really is a terrible illness for those who get a severe case. If you can slow transmission and interrupt the chain of transmission by your actions you are doing the greatest thing you can for your loved ones, whether they realize it or not.

[katilac]

6 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

So guilty. And compounded by two people I genuinely respect that are “surprised” by my “ fearful” reaction. 

This would cause me to lose a lot of respect for them. 

[kbutton]

I don't know who this lady is outside of this article (immune compromised and trying to analyze data herself), but her interview was posted on a FB page that generally is devoted to following data. It's about Iowa, and it's not pretty. 

https://lyz.substack.com/p/screaming-into-the-void-a-conversation?fbclid=IwAR3sfbMbOSmZm4JBkAR1Lm0iGoMzXvwZkiV1xkuGhNda6PR3CX2oW4SzdMU

 

[Katy]

1 hour ago, kbutton said:

I don't know who this lady is outside of this article (immune compromised and trying to analyze data herself), but her interview was posted on a FB page that generally is devoted to following data. It's about Iowa, and it's not pretty. 

https://lyz.substack.com/p/screaming-into-the-void-a-conversation?fbclid=IwAR3sfbMbOSmZm4JBkAR1Lm0iGoMzXvwZkiV1xkuGhNda6PR3CX2oW4SzdMU

 

Iowa's governor finally put in some mandates yesterday, I think to start at noon today.  Including mask mandates and banning thanksgiving celebrations of more than 2 households I believe.  DH has family there and he was telling me about it last night.  He thinks the sudden change wasn't just overwhelmed hospitals, but political.