Here's an experience for you....

[BlsdMama]

Homework from a couple of weeks ago.  A professor asked that we approach three people that know us well, but in different relationships.  Ask them to choose three words to describe you - two can be positive aspects of your personality but ideally one would be a word that is ascribed to your perceived weakness or difficulty.  The former of the this (three words) was the actual assignment, the latter (one word describes perceived weakness) was a spin thanks to my husband.

My positive characteristics were what I expected.  My husband added the word "pleaser" and said it's what he disliked most about me.  I haven't been able to get it out of my head. It's true I'm very strong willed and to the point that I am abrasive to some, at least earlier in my life.  In an effort to understand and relate better to others, and in NO small part to this board, I've learned to talk less, listen more, and attempt to relate what another says to some understanding I personally have.

For example, a mother attempts to homeschool, but puts little actual effort into homeschooling.  Once upon a time, I would have outspokenly deemed it utterly unacceptable and said so.  Now, I have this tendency to excuse it (with other people's situations, maybe a decreased ability/intelligence, attribute to personal tribulations, etc.) and say nothing but encourage and help problem solve.  I'm not sure this is better.  I've discovered I struggle to pick a side and take a stand, which is not something I struggled with my first 35 or so years - it's a more recent acquisition.

I don't love this about myself.  Do I have strong feelings? Yes.  Do I guard them? Yes.  Do I volunteer for more than I can reasonably handle? Yes.  Do I see it as a necessity because too few people pitch in? Yes.

I'm not sure where I'm going with it except that I'd love to hear thoughts.  I'm struggling with bravery to make assertions as though they are TRUE, because I know them to be true, but also because taking a stand on things meaning sending the message to some, "You're wrong on this." I know that I believe in right/wrong and that it is not subjective, but I do not believe ALL things are objectively right or wrong, if that makes sense. And... as always, over-thinking.

[Katy]

Have you asked your DH what he meant, what examples he can give?  Because I bet it has less to do with your internal censoring of your judgments and more to do with something external that he can see.  Possibly over-volunteering, but more likely some sort of boundary issue or maybe reluctance to accept help.

[almondbutterandjelly]

I agree with PP.  I think pleaser probably has to do with you volunteering for more than you can reasonably handle.  I get it.  I used to be that person.  I had a really, really hard time saying no.

[SKL]

I agree with asking for examples.

It could be as simple as saying "no, I'm sorry I can't help with that" vs. feeing a duty to spread yourself thinner.

Often over-volunteering means feeling more stress, guilt, and resentment when you're at home, so I could see it being a concern of your DH if that happens for you.

[PeterPan]

17 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

It's true I'm very strong willed and to the point that I am abrasive to some, at least earlier in my life.  In an effort to understand and relate better to others, and in NO small part to this board, I've learned to talk less, listen more, and attempt to relate what another says to some understanding I personally have.

I think that's a normal progression/journey of growth/maturing. I find myself the same way. I think look at who you're trying to *become* not who you are now.

18 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

My husband added the word "pleaser" and said it's what he disliked most about me.

Why did you ask your dh to say negative things about you? I mean, of all people, he's the one where it ought be safe. He should have said sorry, I only think good, ask another person. To me, that's what grates, that he said it, not what he said. I mean, who cares if you're in a stage where you haven't quite figured out how to balance your wisdom and your wit? That's just a transition stage, not a problem. 

19 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

A professor

Apparently I'm not self reflective enough for his assignments, lol. At some point, it's just folly looking in like that. You're a christian, yes? So you already have a standard (the Bible, Jesus) and can look at that to see how you compare. 

 

21 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

I've discovered I struggle to pick a side and take a stand, which is not something I struggled with my first 35 or so years - it's a more recent acquisition.

I think this is really interesting. Again, if you're a christian reading Romans 8, the all things working together for *good* is actually a good of *sanctification*. In other words, what has changed in the last few years of your life (a lot, big stuff!) that made this change, this transition you're going through? And is it not good or not DONE? Is it not good or not complete? Where is it going? 

If suffering made you a more compassionate, reflective person who slows down in judgment, recognizing your own frailty, how is that bad? Are your physical struggles leading to anxiety or something else affecting how you interpret things?

And just for trivia, have you done the Meyers Briggs on yourself? I think sometimes those longstanding characteristics are things that are just how we were bent/wired/born. I'm not crazy up on it (don't have the brain for it, haha), but it might be doing a Meyers Briggs survey would put other words to what your dh is sensing. There might be a more kind way to phrase it. 

[HS Mom in NC]

Different pleasers are problematic in different ways.

Examples of over-extenders have been listed by other posters already. 

There are pleasers who lie in various ways: they say a form of yes when they really  mean no, they claim everything is fine when it isn't, or they refuse to give constructive criticism when explicitly asked for it, assuring the asker that there's nothing they can see/think of that needs to be improved on.  

Then there are those who can't stand up for something or someone when the time comes because they're afraid to not please the opposing forces in whatever form.

There are probably more categories.

Edited November 13, 2020 by Homeschool Mom in AZ

[Carrie12345]

Interesting, because I have similar characteristics to what you describe, but wouldn’t readily come up with the word “pleaser” to label them.

My sense of right and wrong has become more about what is right or wrong for MY circumstances, and not necessarily what’s right or wrong for someone else’s. I do have lines, but those exist more in the really high up things, like murder or all people deserving food.  Everything else evolves based on what I learn and what I experience, like how I taught my kids to read starting almost 20 years ago and wrapping up only a few years ago, with huge variations across the kids.

I don’t do a lot out of a need to please people, but as a way of getting things done.

”Pleaser” is more of a descriptor of motivation, imo, than it is one of specific actions.

[J-rap]

I wouldn't describe the example you gave as being a pleaser.  In fact, I'd consider that a positive... realizing that people do things differently because of who they are and their own experiences.  Of course your dh probably doesn't see all of the internal stuff going on in your brain!  From his perspective, he might only see that you're doing more than you have time for.  And maybe that's partly true, I don't know.

But I'm sure it would bug me too!  I'd probably want to discuss more with him.

It's weird to know that most of what goes on in our brains no one sees.  It seems like it should be obvious!  But a lot of times it isn't.

[wintermom]

What kind of a course was this? What do you think about the info your friends provided? Do you believe that one-word descriptions capture much about a person's character?  

I would not stress AT ALL about this. It was a curious task, and I don't think you are meant to lose sleep over it.

Edited November 13, 2020 by wintermom

[J-rap]

50 minutes ago, Dreamergal said:

I am the opposite. I find the older I get, I am more firm in my stand than as a young adult because I know more about the world and more important who I am.  But those are things like racism, gender bias, female education, church abuse and so on. I have added other areas like masking for example which would have been pretty impossible for me to contemplate 6 months ago.

 

I find that I take a much firmer stand (and still working on it!) on themes of racism, gender bias, etc.     I try and have a more gentle approach to people themselves, because they're often caught up in it through barely no fault of their own. 

[J-rap]

3 minutes ago, wintermom said:

What kind of a course was this? What do you think about the info your friends provided? Do you believe that one-word descriptions capture much about a person's character?  

I would not stress AT ALL about this. It was a curious task, and I don't think you are meant to lose sleep over it.

I think what was bothersome for her was that the person who knows her best described her as a pleaser.  I guess that would bug me a little too.

[Jean in Newcastle]

My husband isn't supposed to be honest with me?  I can see asking him not to be mean, but an honest assessment wouldn't bother me.  I would ask him what he meant though because I would want to be able to evaluate the comment accurately.  I might or might not end up accepting his comment as totally accurate - after all, even the opinion of a spouse, is still an opinion. 

As far as being a "pleaser"  - that isn't necessarily negative.  Sometimes we should please people.  And sometimes it's just nice to do so.  I guess the question would be whether you were compromising your standards in order to please someone or if you are ignoring your own needs all the time to please others or. . .   

[BlsdMama]

2 hours ago, PeterPan said:

I think that's a normal progression/journey of growth/maturing. I find myself the same way. I think look at who you're trying to *become* not who you are now.

Why did you ask your dh to say negative things about you? I mean, of all people, he's the one where it ought be safe. He should have said sorry, I only think good, ask another person. To me, that's what grates, that he said it, not what he said. I mean, who cares if you're in a stage where you haven't quite figured out how to balance your wisdom and your wit? That's just a transition stage, not a problem. 

Apparently I'm not self reflective enough for his assignments, lol. At some point, it's just folly looking in like that. You're a christian, yes? So you already have a standard (the Bible, Jesus) and can look at that to see how you compare. 

 

I think this is really interesting. Again, if you're a christian reading Romans 8, the all things working together for *good* is actually a good of *sanctification*. In other words, what has changed in the last few years of your life (a lot, big stuff!) that made this change, this transition you're going through? And is it not good or not DONE? Is it not good or not complete? Where is it going? 

If suffering made you a more compassionate, reflective person who slows down in judgment, recognizing your own frailty, how is that bad? Are your physical struggles leading to anxiety or something else affecting how you interpret things?

And just for trivia, have you done the Meyers Briggs on yourself? I think sometimes those longstanding characteristics are things that are just how we were bent/wired/born. I'm not crazy up on it (don't have the brain for it, haha), but it might be doing a Meyers Briggs survey would put other words to what your dh is sensing. There might be a more kind way to phrase it. 

You bring up interesting points - some of which I agree and some I do not.

I believe there is intrinsic value in understanding and seeking your weaknesses.  Sometimes we deny that which we will admit when faced with it.  (The heart is foolish.)  Sometimes we need another perspective to consider information that we have not previously considered.  I would *never* want a "safe" place where I am not allowed to be critiqued (vs. criticized) and held accountable.  (Prov. 27:5-6, Prov. 9:8,  Gal 6, the book of James.)  You know, I *love* Pleasing God (Sproul) and it's interesting, I'm working through it with my older kids right now at the same time going through Pilgrims Progress.  Christian is walking with Hopeful and says, "Hopeful, let's jump over the stile."  Hopeful was thinking, "Dude, pretty sure you're wrong here.  Let's not," but resisted in his correction and instead was agreeable.  It wasn't wise.  It nearly cost both of them their lives - one to persist in walking the wrong path, the other to fail to correct the wrong thinking to which he bore witness.

Why would my husband ever apologize if what he said wasn't said to hurt? If it was said to be helpful and was, indeed, helpful? Something helpful can be uncomfortable, cause pain, AND be true.  LM give you an instance - I had a dear friend come to me once and ask how I could be against an act that was meant to keep a woman from additional pain? I said, what if I believed the act itself would cause mental anguish?  It would be pain added to pain.  She was, in her kindness, in her love for another, seeking to not reprove someone in order to not cause pain.  But, by not acting or by not speaking, could miss the opportunity to help correct a misguided belief.  

Thinking on your thoughts -  I do not believe being more compassionate is wrong - but see the instance above.  Sometimes, what I'm finding, is that in my striving to love someone, I resist speaking a truth because it can be *perceived* as being self-righteous.  Maybe I'm being too abstract?

I think our transition and coming to Christ is not done unto death.

[katilac]

3 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

 
My positive characteristics were what I expected.  My husband added the word "pleaser" and said it's what he disliked most about me.  I haven't been able to get it out of my head. It's true I'm very strong willed and to the point that I am abrasive to some, at least earlier in my life.  In an effort to understand and relate better to others, and in NO small part to this board, I've learned to talk less, listen more, and attempt to relate what another says to some understanding I personally have.

For example, a mother attempts to homeschool, but puts little actual effort into homeschooling.  Once upon a time, I would have outspokenly deemed it utterly unacceptable and said so.  Now, I have this tendency to excuse it (with other people's situations, maybe a decreased ability/intelligence, attribute to personal tribulations, etc.) and say nothing but encourage and help problem solve.  I'm not sure this is better.  I've discovered I struggle to pick a side and take a stand, which is not something I struggled with my first 35 or so years - it's a more recent acquisition.

I don't love this about myself.  Do I have strong feelings? Yes.  Do I guard them? Yes.  Do I volunteer for more than I can reasonably handle? Yes.  Do I see it as a necessity because too few people pitch in? Yes.

I'm not sure where I'm going with it except that I'd love to hear thoughts.  I'm struggling with bravery to make assertions as though they are TRUE, because I know them to be true, but also because taking a stand on things meaning sending the message to some, "You're wrong on this." I know that I believe in right/wrong and that it is not subjective, but I do not believe ALL things are objectively right or wrong, if that makes sense. And... as always, over-thinking.

Okay, you give two really different examples here. 

Taking on too much volunteering: this is people pleasing, and what I would assume your dh is referring to. I would think long and hard about why you see it as an actual necessity. I organized and volunteered for the top things I wanted my kids to be able to do, and I by no means thought they needed to be able to do multiple things if I had to organize them all, lol. Of the things I organized, people of course always suggested improvements. I came into it with a background in volunteer recruitment and training, so I had an answer at the ready: "Sounds great, do you want to take that on?" Oh, you don't? Okay, I'll keep doing things my way and/or not doing that additional and time-consuming thing. 

What happens if you don't take something on? Somebody else takes it on after all, or the kids don't get to do that certain activity. That's a shame, but it's not tragic, kwim? There are other things they get to do, and having extra home and family time is valuable as well.  

The other example, of the parent not putting much effort into homeschooling, that's a different personality trait imo. I don't think any part of it is really people pleasing, unless they would ask for help and you felt obliged to continuously give it - that part would be people pleasing. But deeming it unacceptable? That's just being really opinionated, a trait I share 😄 

What is similar is that you seem to think you have to do something, when actually you don't. It's not a choice between declaring it unacceptable or being more understanding and trying to problem solve - it's not your family, you don't have to do either of those things. If they're just talking about how they do things, you don't need to say a word. If they're specifically saying they're struggling, you can emphasize and leave it at that. If they're specifically asking for advice, you can give them your quick thoughts if you wish, but you certainly don't have to. 

It's not a bad thing to struggle with your thoughts and feelings before taking a stand on something (which is really a third thing). 

 

2 hours ago, PeterPan said:

I think that's a normal progression/journey of growth/maturing. I find myself the same way. I think look at who you're trying to *become* not who you are now.

Why did you ask your dh to say negative things about you? I mean, of all people, he's the one where it ought be safe. He should have said sorry, I only think good, ask another person. To me, that's what grates, that he said it, not what he said. I mean, who cares if you're in a stage where you haven't quite figured out how to balance your wisdom and your wit? That's just a transition stage, not a problem. 

Apparently I'm not self reflective enough for his assignments, lol. At some point, it's just folly looking in like that. You're a christian, yes? So you already have a standard (the Bible, Jesus) and can look at that to see how you compare. 

I mean, he said it because she asked him, lol. And she asked him because it was an assignment. I mean, I may not have chosen my dh as one of the three people, but if I did, I'd roll my eyes pretty hard if he told me he only thinks good thinks good about me. It would annoy me to no end if he tried to pull that off in all seriousness, whereas I'm sure other spouses would be pleased to hear it, so there's just a wide variance in what people want and expect in their communication. 

I'm guessing the point of the assignment is that other people often see you differently than how you see yourself. If people never told me that I was overly opinionated, I might be rolling along thinking that they just can't wait to hear my next opinion 😄

[Not_a_Number]

Hmmm, that's interesting. Another vote for asking him what exactly he meant by "pleaser" -- it's pretty ambiguous. 

I wonder what DH would say? Probably my biggest issue is my temper. And sometimes I'm too abrasive myself 😄 . 

[KungFuPanda]

We all have positive and negative attributes. You’re spinning out because the person who knows you best admitted (when asked point blank) that he finds you overly concerned with pleasing people. If him knowing a negative thing about you stresses you out, that’s the most people pleaser reaction ever!