If you've lost a close family member, and have a space to remember them in your house . . .

[Drama Llama]

We are moving back to the house we own this weekend, and I'd like to figure out what to do with the space that used to be my middle son's bedroom.  The room is basically 1/3 of the living room, that we closed off with a pair of barn style doors.

I think we're going to put all the legos that my two youngest kids built together in there, so that my youngest can have access and play with them when he wants, but also can close them off if other kids are in the house (post-covid), so there's not temptation for them to take them apart.  

Other than that I'm not sure.

I know that many people leave a child or other loved one's room as is, but right now, all his things are at my FIL's house where we were staying when he died. I want his things to come home with us, but of course that means I need to put them somewhere.  

Anyway, I'd love thoughts on what to do and what other people have done. 

 

[PrincessMommy]

9 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

We are moving back to the house we own this weekend, and I'd like to figure out what to do with the space that used to be my middle son's bedroom.  The room is basically 1/3 of the living room, that we closed off with a pair of barn style doors.

I think we're going to put all the legos that my two youngest kids built together in there, so that my youngest can have access and play with them when he wants, but also can close them off if other kids are in the house (post-covid), so there's not temptation for them to take them apart.  

Other than that I'm not sure.

I know that many people leave a child or other loved one's room as is, but right now, all his things are at my FIL's house where we were staying when he died. I want his things to come home with us, but of course that means I need to put them somewhere.  

Anyway, I'd love thoughts on what to do and what other people have done. 

 

First, I am so very sorry for your loss.  

Is it possible to have a special remembrance corner?   Maybe have his photo there with a little table with some of his things out.  You could rotate the things you have out - that way it doesn't become stagnant.    One possibility is that, instead of having in the main part of the house, have a special place elsehwere - if there's room obviously.  Maybe the dining room or some place like that.  Think of it as a quiet spot to remember your son rather than out where the hustle and bustle of everyday life gets in the way.   

My thinking is that it's something like a prayer/icon corner that many christians have.  Instead yours would be a remembrance corner.  

 

[Katy]

I think losing a close family member is different than losing a child. But generally I keep up 1 painting that is from my dad and a couple small framed pictures and the rest of the things I’ve kept from him are put away. 

[stephanier.1765]

You could make a shadow box of a few precious mementos, a special shirt, and picture and hang it in that area. Then I'd have plenty of pictures in smaller frames throughout the house so the house still feels full of him.

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.

[Dynamite5]

I am sorry for your loss. 

I think having a special place of remembrance in your home for your son is a lovely idea. Perhaps some photos, special toy or stuffed animal, anything meaningful to you. Please remember that there's no right or wrong. It's also not necessary to hold his bedroom as it was. Using it for your other children to play is a terrific use of space. You pay change your mind in the future and that's ok, too. 

[BlsdMama]

1 hour ago, BaseballandHockey said:

We are moving back to the house we own this weekend, and I'd like to figure out what to do with the space that used to be my middle son's bedroom.  The room is basically 1/3 of the living room, that we closed off with a pair of barn style doors.

I think we're going to put all the legos that my two youngest kids built together in there, so that my youngest can have access and play with them when he wants, but also can close them off if other kids are in the house (post-covid), so there's not temptation for them to take them apart.  

Other than that I'm not sure.

I know that many people leave a child or other loved one's room as is, but right now, all his things are at my FIL's house where we were staying when he died. I want his things to come home with us, but of course that means I need to put them somewhere.  

Anyway, I'd love thoughts on what to do and what other people have done. 

 

I am so, so sorry.  I think I'd give myself time and take any pressure off to "figure it out," first.  There's no time frame for mourning.  We lost a daughter, but she was a preemie and it was so long ago.  We don't have photos, etc.  I have a photo of my grandpa with our family framed, but that is hardly the same.  I think I would do what I needed to do to commemorate that life - whether that be a family name on the wall with his too, or whatever.  I remember after Hannah died getting her name made to hang with our names - You name family name on top, and each successive child beneath.  It was important to me to say, "Yes, gone, but her life existed, it mattered, she's gone before us, but she WAS here," in a very concrete way.

You have that right to declare, in your house, he was here, his life mattered, he's very much a part of our family, in whatever way you choose to celebrate and commemorate it. I don't have a lot of suggestions.  We do have special ornaments that go on the tree every year so we can pause and remember too as a family.
((((Hugs))) 

[prairiewindmomma]

Give this some time (the display angle) to think about. Initially I was so terrified to do anything with her things. I didn’t know how to handle any of it. And then I really hated dusting things...like the notion of non-progression. Because death is non-progression while the rest of life moves on. And then I hit a grasping phase where every little thing that had been hers became precious. 
 

My best advice is to expect to feel off-kilter on this point. No one warned me.

In the end we got two large Rubbermaid containers where things are safely stored. I pull them out from time to time. She has a kind of tabletop display in a private part of our house and each kid has a few of her things for their own. 

 

[Drama Llama]

5 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

I am so, so sorry.  I think I'd give myself time and take any pressure off to "figure it out," first.  There's no time frame for mourning.  We lost a daughter, but she was a preemie and it was so long ago.  We don't have photos, etc.  I have a photo of my grandpa with our family framed, but that is hardly the same.  I think I would do what I needed to do to commemorate that life - whether that be a family name on the wall with his too, or whatever.  I remember after Hannah died getting her name made to hang with our names - You name family name on top, and each successive child beneath.  It was important to me to say, "Yes, gone, but her life existed, it mattered, she's gone before us, but she WAS here," in a very concrete way.

You have that right to declare, in your house, he was here, his life mattered, he's very much a part of our family, in whatever way you choose to celebrate and commemorate it. I don't have a lot of suggestions.  We do have special ornaments that go on the tree every year so we can pause and remember too as a family.
((((Hugs))) 

I think the problem is that there has to be a decision, because of the move.  Even if we decide to leave the room bare, and put his stuff in boxes, that's still a decision.  Does that make sense?  I think if his room was still set up as his room, we'd just leave it that way, and deal with it much later, but it's just got one dresser and is otherwise empty.  

[Drama Llama]

4 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Give this some time (the display angle) to think about. Initially I was so terrified to do anything with her things. I didn’t know how to handle any of it. And then I really hated dusting things...like the notion of non-progression. Because death is non-progression while the rest of life moves on. And then I hit a grasping phase where every little thing that had been hers became precious. 
 

My best advice is to expect to feel off-kilter on this point. No one warned me.

In the end we got two large Rubbermaid containers where things are safely stored. I pull them out from time to time. She has a kind of tabletop display in a private part of our house and each kid has a few of her things for their own. 

 

I think anything we do is going to be painful, and I fully expect that everyone's feelings will change.  But I also don't think having a glaring empty space in the center of the house is going to work.  Like how it is now, with part of the living room having pictures and furniture, and part empty with just an empty dresser, pretty much screams that something is missing.   Plus when we were at my FIL (we're staying with my SIL for a little while) my youngest has clearly wanted to play with the legos, so getting them out of the boxes seems like a priority.

Sorry, I'm not really arguing or disagreeing.  Just thinking out loud. 

[ktgrok]

Another idea is if you don't want to put just photos or if some of the ideas normally said don't work, is to make it more of a sublte theme related to him. So if he was really into star wars, having a shelf or area dedicated to starwars stuff - that way you can continue to add to it if you find things that make you think of him? Or I know he loved being read to, so creating a small library/reading area in his honor, but not necessarily full of photos/his stuff?

Sort of like how a building or library can be dedicated to a person, due to an interest they had, but not be a shrine to them. For me I think a shrine type space would not work for me (but that doesn't mean it is wrong, and I really can't say for sure I wouldn't want it, but just a guess), but a memorial would, if that makes sense?

My aunt, when she lost her husband, created a space in her large yard dedicated as a memorial garden. He loved their view and the outdoors, so she chose an area with a great view of the mountains and put in a bench and a small plaque with a saying they both liked. It is THERE, and it is a space she can go sit and remember him, but not so in her face that when she was feeling fragile and didn't want to focus on him and the memories and loss she was forced to. I don't mean to say that there is ever a time you won't be thinking about him on some level, or feeling that loss, just that I imagine there are times you have more or less emotional energy to deal with it. Again, hopefully not offensive. 

So for me, remembering how much he liked being read to, I'd create a library or reading area in part of that room. Maybe have one shelf of his favorite books, and a framed photo of him. Maybe even have a shelf of favorites for each child. Maybe have a framed quote from a favorite book of his, or a framed prayer that was a favorite. And a family photo with him in it. Put in either the chair you sat in to read to him, or a brand new really comfy loveseat that you and the other kids can sit in, plus some floor cushions or whatever works for your family. so most of it wouldn't be his, but it would remind you of him, and be a way to include his memory in your future life - to sit there and read to the other kids, and think of him listening in as well. 

And then if you do have a family altar area - a nice idea with so much of church being done at home now - having his favorite rosary there, a prayer card from his funeral mass (is that still done?), something like that. 

 

[ktgrok]

7 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

I think anything we do is going to be painful, and I fully expect that everyone's feelings will change.  But I also don't think having a glaring empty space in the center of the house is going to work.  Like how it is now, with part of the living room having pictures and furniture, and part empty with just an empty dresser, pretty much screams that something is missing.   Plus when we were at my FIL (we're staying with my SIL for a little while) my youngest has clearly wanted to play with the legos, so getting them out of the boxes seems like a priority.

Sorry, I'm not really arguing or disagreeing.  Just thinking out loud. 

Agree. 

I'd create a sitting area or reading area, or a family altar area - not a shrine to HIM - but because he was so devout it would remind you of him.

[ktgrok]

I just realized - it depends, what things do you have? Are we talking clothes, books, toys, photos? 

[prairiewindmomma]

I think having a lego building space there makes sense.

[PeterPan]

26 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

I think the problem is that there has to be a decision, because of the move.  Even if we decide to leave the room bare, and put his stuff in boxes, that's still a decision.  Does that make sense?  I think if his room was still set up as his room, we'd just leave it that way, and deal with it much later, but it's just got one dresser and is otherwise empty.  

My inlaws lost their dd (my dh's sister) in a very tragic way. I can tell you that hanging onto things wasn't healthy. I wouldn't keep the bedroom as it was. Does it make you happy to be in there? You could repurpose it into something you enjoy being in if it makes you happy to be in there. My MIL turned their dd's room into a guest room with a writing desk and a sleeper sofa. So she could sit in there and write letters, look at her dd's pictures and books, but it also had use. So if you're asking, I would say create use. 

I will tell you that my MIL boxed up their dd's precious things (wedding gifts, figurines from growing up, all sorts of things) and stored them in the basement. She never went back to them because it hurt too much. I ended up cleaning out the boxes 20 years later. I think you should do anything that feels right to you, but allowing those things to move on, furniture to bless others, clothes to bless others, etc. is ok as you're ready. Holding onto them won't make you any happier. 

When my MIL passed, I was overwhelmed with grief. I had made a slideshow/video of pictures and put them on my screensaver on my computer. They were there and nice, but after a couple years I realized it was holding me back, that it was time to change that. But it could be something you like. I LOVE the people's suggestion to create a corner with pictures and momentos. 

The only wrong here would be doing something that keeps you sad. I think setting the room back up with his things, rather than moving on to new functions (as you're thinking, with a play room, guest room, homeschool office, whatever) would mean having to go back through it later. It's a clean break, so maybe let it be that. 

I watched a documentary that said we rush the grieving stage too much, that we need time (with the deceased) to come to peace. I didn't even get to see my MIL after she passed because I got sick with pneumonia. But I'm not sure holding onto *stuff* gives us that same feeling. A little is good. On the legos, I like the suggestion to let each dc pick the ones that meant something to them and take pictures of the rest. Or maybe have a shelf in there with some of them as you repurpose the room. 

 

[PeterPan]

29 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

I think anything we do is going to be painful, and I fully expect that everyone's feelings will change.  But I also don't think having a glaring empty space in the center of the house is going to work.  Like how it is now, with part of the living room having pictures and furniture, and part empty with just an empty dresser, pretty much screams that something is missing.   Plus when we were at my FIL (we're staying with my SIL for a little while) my youngest has clearly wanted to play with the legos, so getting them out of the boxes seems like a priority.

Sorry, I'm not really arguing or disagreeing.  Just thinking out loud. 

I think you're spot on. Create function, but FORWARD function. 

[PeterPan]

39 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

Even if we decide to leave the room bare, and put his stuff in boxes, that's still a decision.  Does that make sense?  I think if his room was still set up as his room, we'd just leave it that way, and deal with it much later, but it's just got one dresser and is otherwise empty.  

So I'll just make a suggestion, but I would *change* the function. Go buy a guest bed, a pretty desk, something you like. A yoga room with a mat and candles? Whatever would make it a space where you want to be a bit.

[TravelingChris]

37 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

My inlaws lost their dd (my dh's sister) in a very tragic way. I can tell you that hanging onto things wasn't healthy. I wouldn't keep the bedroom as it was. Does it make you happy to be in there? You could repurpose it into something you enjoy being in if it makes you happy to be in there. My MIL turned their dd's room into a guest room with a writing desk and a sleeper sofa. So she could sit in there and write letters, look at her dd's pictures and books, but it also had use. So if you're asking, I would say create use. 

I will tell you that my MIL boxed up their dd's precious things (wedding gifts, figurines from growing up, all sorts of things) and stored them in the basement. She never went back to them because it hurt too much. I ended up cleaning out the boxes 20 years later. I think you should do anything that feels right to you, but allowing those things to move on, furniture to bless others, clothes to bless others, etc. is ok as you're ready. Holding onto them won't make you any happier. 

When my MIL passed, I was overwhelmed with grief. I had made a slideshow/video of pictures and put them on my screensaver on my computer. They were there and nice, but after a couple years I realized it was holding me back, that it was time to change that. But it could be something you like. I LOVE the people's suggestion to create a corner with pictures and momentos. 

The only wrong here would be doing something that keeps you sad. I think setting the room back up with his things, rather than moving on to new functions (as you're thinking, with a play room, guest room, homeschool office, whatever) would mean having to go back through it later. It's a clean break, so maybe let it be that. 

I watched a documentary that said we rush the grieving stage too much, that we need time (with the deceased) to come to peace. I didn't even get to see my MIL after she passed because I got sick with pneumonia. But I'm not sure holding onto *stuff* gives us that same feeling. A little is good. On the legos, I like the suggestion to let each dc pick the ones that meant something to them and take pictures of the rest. Or maybe have a shelf in there with some of them as you repurpose the room. 

 

I think will be a bit different with a child but we not only gave a part of our photo wall dedicated to my family- both departed and so early photos of me too.  

But w regards to my mother and father, I have various m8mentos of theirs around and w my mom and sister, I have recipes written in their hands too.

Edited November 11, 2020 by TravelingChris

[Kanin]

I have no experience with this, so my answer is just hypothetical. But I love the idea of a lego building space. Maybe have a big table in there where kids can sit and build, bookshelves to display creations, hold lego bins, etc. Framed photos of your kids on the walls, or framed kid artwork. For me, I think using a space would help me remember and feel close to the person I lost, but having a closed-off, unused space dedicated to their memory would maybe make me feel even more sad. 

[katilac]

I love the Lego room idea; I agree that an empty, closed-off room would be very hard to deal with. I'd probably go with that and keeping his stuff in boxes while settling back in and just taking a breath. 

[East Coast Sue]

Not sure how you’d feel about this, but I’ll offer an idea... There’s a wonderful woman near Baltimore who takes clothing (from the family member who died) and makes it into a teddy bear as a way to remember a loved one. I did that once a few years ago for my kids when my mom died. I picked her favorite clothing with lots of color & special patterns so it clearly reminds my kids of their grandma. I don’t know if that would be helpful for you or your boys but thought I’d suggest it.
I’m very sorry for your loss. 

[Drama Llama]

I don't think I can do a "lego room" because there are two sets of legos to be kept separate.

One is the lego creations that my two youngest kids made together.  We have a whole bunch of Harry Potter legos, and a whole city they designed themselves which they call "London".  They have been at my FIL's, because we moved them with us, and when we've been there since my son's death, my youngest plays with them a fair amount.  He doesn't take them apart, but he rearranges the figures, or drives the Knight bus around, etc . . . I think it's been an important part of how he processes all this.  At the same time, while he wants to play with them, he is also very uncomfortable with the idea of other kids touching them.  When he heard that we were playing musical houses, and his cousins were going to Grandpa's, one of his first questions was whether they'd play with the legos.  Maybe one day that will change and he'll want to do something else with them, but right now, I think they need to be accessible to him, but also in a space we can sort of walk away from.  Right now they're in the middle of the common space of the house, where one would expect to walk, so clearly before we move in, they need to go somewhere else.  

And then we have a ton of other legos. Star wars legos, and super hero legos, and lego robots, that get played with normally and taken apart and rebuilt etc . . . . My guess is that those legos will return to and stay in the playroom where they were before we moved. 

But I don't think it's reasonable to expect that the two sets of legos will be in the same space, and that visiting kids will keep straight which legos they are allowed to touch, so I think having them in different rooms makes sense.  

[Drama Llama]

43 minutes ago, East Coast Sue said:

Not sure how you’d feel about this, but I’ll offer an idea... There’s a wonderful woman near Baltimore who takes clothing (from the family member who died) and makes it into a teddy bear as a way to remember a loved one. I did that once a few years ago for my kids when my mom died. I picked her favorite clothing with lots of color & special patterns so it clearly reminds my kids of their grandma. I don’t know if that would be helpful for you or your boys but thought I’d suggest it.
I’m very sorry for your loss. 

Eventually, I assume we'll sort through his clothing and decide what to do with it.  I've thought about whether we might want to make a t-shirt quilt, for example.  But that can wait.  

He loved home made stuffed animals, so we have a collection of those.  We buried a few with him, but we've still got a bunch.  

[Katy]

I would make the room a playroom for your other two, with or without a lego theme.  They've sacrificed a lot over the past few years and I bet it would make you all feel good to focus on them for a while, to give them the space.

Then I'd set the rest of the stuff in storage and deal with it later.  Maybe eventually let each of them choose one stuffed animal, and 1-2 for you, and donate the rest.

[J-rap]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  And I agree, the loss of a child isn't the same as the loss of just any loved one. 

Here are some random thoughts.  Since his room was part of the living room anyway, can you open it up and just merge it with the living room and make it a cozy, sunny (or well-lit) bright area?  It can be an area full of color and calm.  Maybe add a comfortable couch, some plants, etc?  

I have things of my mother's scattered throughout our house.  (She is still living, but we "lost" her suddenly -- cognitively, overnight due to a stroke.)  So every room I walk through, there are little things here and there that bring me warm thoughts of her:  a painting of hers in one room, her college graduation picture in another, a few of her favorite books on the living room coffee table, a lovely pitcher of hers (part of her pitcher collection) on our book case, several framed candid photos in many places throughout the house, etc.  

Perhaps you can for now store other things in bins and save them for a time when you want to put more thought into it.  There's no hurry.

Regarding the legos, can you keep the set that your sons worked on together in the bedroom of your son who still plays with it?  Or perhaps keep it on a small table in a corner of that living room space.  You could cover it up with a large plastic bin or wicker basket or something if other children come over, so it's off-limit.

 

 

[Hilltopmom]

When our son passed away we kept his bedroom (had also been part of our main living area, as is common for medically fragile kids, I think) as a living space for a short while. I cleaned out all the medical equipment right away though. After a few months we moved another child into that space so that they no longer needed to share a room with a sibling. 
We moved to a new home a year later, needed to be in town & more space.

Edited November 11, 2020 by Hilltopmom

[LinRTX]

Can you set up the sets your youngest plays with on a bookshelf in the living area. It would be a sort of display that your youngest can still touch and use, but would be off limits to visitors? Healing takes time and I think your youngest needs this connection to his brother right now.

[prairiewindmomma]

If you think you can't shut the doors to keep a public part of the home more private, then I think you've got to tackle that head on and either make that public space public again if you aren't comfortable leaving that empty.  We were in the same boat--a room off of the kitchen that was open to everyone and horribly empty afterwards.  

Is there a different space in your home that is private and can remain private where London can go? Would you want to move the play room into the living space and have the current play room become a quiet and private place?

[Melissa in Australia]

Hugs

 

I think setting up Lego London in that area is a good idea. 

 

 

 

When my grandmother died in July my brother and I split up her orchid collection between us. I am currantly making an orchid garden remembrance area.  I have bought some more orchids to add to it and talk in my mind to my grandmother about them.

[Drama Llama]

1 hour ago, prairiewindmomma said:

If you think you can't shut the doors to keep a public part of the home more private, then I think you've got to tackle that head on and either make that public space public again if you aren't comfortable leaving that empty.  We were in the same boat--a room off of the kitchen that was open to everyone and horribly empty afterwards.  

Is there a different space in your home that is private and can remain private where London can go? Would you want to move the play room into the living space and have the current play room become a quiet and private place?

The play room is in the space between the living room and the kitchen.  You need to walk through it to get from the front door to the kitchen or the bathroom or the back yard, so there's no way to make that space private.  DS's room, isn't in the traffic flow.  It's literally like 1/3 of the living room.  If the doors are open, it feels like a part of the the living room, but it can also be closed off visually, if that makes sense.  Although the living room is much more pleasant with the doors open, because most of the windows are there.  

I think I'm imagining it as mostly open, but closed off the kids want it, or something.  

Right now, the only people in our house are family, and I think I can tell the cousins it's off limits unless one of us is in there with them.  To me, that's a much easier limit to follow than expecting them to remember which exact legos they can touch in a room that they're playing in.   

I'm going to go over and spend some time there by myself tomorrow, maybe that will give me more clarity.  I've been there, but not since they moved out.  At this point, I'm leaning towards bringing down a futon couch we have upstairs, and hanging some of the pictures from his room back up, and adding the legos and then waiting to see what else we decide to do.  

[Drama Llama]

2 hours ago, Hilltopmom said:

When our son passed away we kept his bedroom (had also been part of our main living area, as is common for medically fragile kids, I think) as a living space for a short while. I cleaned out all the medical equipment right away though. After a few months we moved another child into that space so that they no longer needed to share a room with a sibling. 
We moved to a new home a year later, needed to be in town & more space.

The medical stuff all went to the other house with us.  A lot of it was rented, and has been picked up, and we donated a lot.  There's a local equipment closet that came through for us when we needed a chair that could accommodate the vent to get us home from the hospital, so knowing where to donate stuff back was easy.   

 

[Drama Llama]

2 hours ago, LinRTX said:

Can you set up the sets your youngest plays with on a bookshelf in the living area. It would be a sort of display that your youngest can still touch and use, but would be off limits to visitors? Healing takes time and I think your youngest needs this connection to his brother right now.

Yeah, he definitely needs it.  

If it's in DS's room, he can open the doors and spread out into the living room in his play if he wants, and have company.  That's part of why I don't want it up in his bedroom.  I think he does need to play with it, and he shouldn't have to isolate himself to do that.  He's always been my super social kid, who would prefer to be underfoot, so to speak, and if anything right now he's more needy of other people. 

[Drama Llama]

42 minutes ago, Patty Joanna said:

I suspect that this changes over time.  It might be that what helps and what you need now will be different in a year or five years.  I think you do something that feels right for now, but acknowledge that this might change and that's OK too.

A dumb example, but it happened to me this morning:  when my Dad died, I wanted a few of his things...it's all stuff that would fit in a shoebox...except for one sweater.  He always wore a sweater (Mr. RogersDad).  When he died I kept a sweater and wore it -- wayyyy too big -- around the house for a few months, at first almost every day.  Then I hung it up in my closet, but every day, I'd give it a little pat.  About a year and a half later, that changed...I'd look at it but I was detaching.  Just this morning, I realized that I want to give that away.  It's not keeping anyone warm, hanging in my closet, and my dad really was a "shirt off his back" kind of guy.  So that is going to happen next.  

I still have his college physics book, a few of his drafting tools--I have his, and his dad's T-squares--and his colored pencils.  I've got his bolo tie that made my mom crazy.  I've got a peacock feather he used to wear in his hard hat when he supervised the construction of CU-Boulder buildings.  I've got some cartoons and caricatures he drew.  That's enough.  The sweater will go to someone to help them stay warm.  

But that is after 5.5 years.  

 

I'm sure things will change, the first six weeks have certainly been a roller coaster of emotionss.  

I just need a plan for this weekend.  I think my kids will do better if things are put away and they're walking into a house that's got some sense of order.

[Spryte]

Not a child, but my foster son, after his mom and my BFF passed, wanted her things scattered through our home.  Just interspersed with, well, everything. 
 

I really like your thoughts about the Lego play area.  That seems like such a good idea, and you’ve really thought it through.

 

 

[Melissa in Australia]

We had a dining room table in our lounge room as a lego table for 5 years when my oldest 3 boys were young. They were seriously into lego

Edited November 12, 2020 by Melissa in Australia

[Drama Llama]

28 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

We had a dining room table in our lounge room as a lego table for 5 years when my oldest 3 boys were young. They were seriously into lego

Are my kids the only ones who play legos on the floor?  

They do lego robots at a table, but regular legos involve sprawling on the floor.

[Melissa in Australia]

18 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

Are my kids the only ones who play legos on the floor?  

They do lego robots at a table, but regular legos involve sprawling on the floor.

I strongly dislike standing on lego and have this thing where I have to have clean floors. I vacuum every day. Lego has to be up at all times

[PeterPan]

31 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

Are my kids the only ones who play legos on the floor?  

They do lego robots at a table, but regular legos involve sprawling on the floor.

LOL I suspect most kids do lego on the floor. I got a 5X7 rug for a corner and that keeps them (mostly) from skittering all over.

[*LC]

On 11/11/2020 at 9:27 AM, BaseballandHockey said:

We are moving back to the house we own this weekend, and I'd like to figure out what to do with the space that used to be my middle son's bedroom.  The room is basically 1/3 of the living room, that we closed off with a pair of barn style doors.

I think we're going to put all the legos that my two youngest kids built together in there, so that my youngest can have access and play with them when he wants, but also can close them off if other kids are in the house (post-covid), so there's not temptation for them to take them apart.  

Other than that I'm not sure.

I know that many people leave a child or other loved one's room as is, but right now, all his things are at my FIL's house where we were staying when he died. I want his things to come home with us, but of course that means I need to put them somewhere.  

Anyway, I'd love thoughts on what to do and what other people have done. 

 

 

On 11/11/2020 at 10:57 AM, prairiewindmomma said:

Give this some time (the display angle) to think about. Initially I was so terrified to do anything with her things. I didn’t know how to handle any of it. And then I really hated dusting things...like the notion of non-progression. Because death is non-progression while the rest of life moves on. And then I hit a grasping phase where every little thing that had been hers became precious. 
 

My best advice is to expect to feel off-kilter on this point. No one warned me.

In the end we got two large Rubbermaid containers where things are safely stored. I pull them out from time to time. She has a kind of tabletop display in a private part of our house and each kid has a few of her things for their own. 

 

 

On 11/11/2020 at 2:26 PM, BaseballandHockey said:

I don't think I can do a "lego room" because there are two sets of legos to be kept separate.

One is the lego creations that my two youngest kids made together.  We have a whole bunch of Harry Potter legos, and a whole city they designed themselves which they call "London".  They have been at my FIL's, because we moved them with us, and when we've been there since my son's death, my youngest plays with them a fair amount.  He doesn't take them apart, but he rearranges the figures, or drives the Knight bus around, etc . . . I think it's been an important part of how he processes all this.  At the same time, while he wants to play with them, he is also very uncomfortable with the idea of other kids touching them.  When he heard that we were playing musical houses, and his cousins were going to Grandpa's, one of his first questions was whether they'd play with the legos.  Maybe one day that will change and he'll want to do something else with them, but right now, I think they need to be accessible to him, but also in a space we can sort of walk away from.  Right now they're in the middle of the common space of the house, where one would expect to walk, so clearly before we move in, they need to go somewhere else.  

And then we have a ton of other legos. Star wars legos, and super hero legos, and lego robots, that get played with normally and taken apart and rebuilt etc . . . . My guess is that those legos will return to and stay in the playroom where they were before we moved. 

But I don't think it's reasonable to expect that the two sets of legos will be in the same space, and that visiting kids will keep straight which legos they are allowed to touch, so I think having them in different rooms makes sense.  

Since your youngest plays with London as is, could you use one of the “glues” that are sold to keep lego creations as they are? This would allow him to play with them and prevent anyone from taking them apart and messing them up. 
 

Another option would be to take lots of close-up pictures of all the pieces that make up London, so a piece can be put back together if it was accidentally taken apart. Or taken apart on purpose, your youngest may change how he plays with the London pieces. If he takes them apart while playing, that may bother someone else in family. Grief is complicated and different people grieve differently. This impacts how everyone sees things that are associated with the loved one. 
 

Praying for you as you move home without your son. 
 

 

 

 

[Drama Llama]

3 minutes ago, *LC said:

Since your youngest plays with London as is, could you use one of the “glues” that are sold to keep lego creations as they are? This would allow him to play with them and prevent anyone from taking them apart and messing them up. 
 

Another option would be to take lots of close-up pictures of all the pieces that make up London, so a piece can be put back together if it was accidentally taken apart. Or taken apart on purpose, your youngest may change how he plays with the London pieces. If he takes them apart while playing, that may bother someone else in family. Grief is complicated and different people grieve differently. This impacts how everyone sees things that are associated with the loved one. 
 

Praying for you as you move home without your son. 
 

I thought about glueing it, but from my point of view, London is DS10's, and whatever he does with it is OK. I love London, and i've love to glue it together and put it up on a shelf.  Some of my happiest memories of my son are of him playing with his brother, and if my youngest decided to take it apart, I'm sure I would be devastated, but I'd allow it. We do have a ton of pictures of it. We photographed each piece before each move, and we also took a lot of pictures and videos of the two boys building together.  

The reality is that we're all grieving really differently, and it's sort of a situation where we're all accidentally causing each other pain all the time, but there's only so much tiptoeing we can do. 

But while I feel that DS10 can do what he likes, I really don't want some other kid randomly playing with it, so a space with a door seems to make sense to me. DS10 can always open the door and invite friends in, and I'd allow that too. 

London is all set up. DS10 and i spent the morning at the house alone together, so he could arrange it just how he wants it.  We are going to start sleeping here on Monday. 

[matrips]

I like the idea of a welcoming spot.  Shelves for photos and LEGO structures.  Beanbag or other comfy chairs to hang out in.  A small bookcase with some special books.  Basically, child friendly-warm and welcoming, (but not a bedroom) with memories of your ds in the room reflected by the legos, photos, books, a favorite stuffed animal etc.  

[fairfarmhand]

On 11/11/2020 at 7:25 PM, Patty Joanna said:

I suspect that this changes over time.  It might be that what helps and what you need now will be different in a year or five years.  I think you do something that feels right for now, but acknowledge that this might change and that's OK too.

A dumb example, but it happened to me this morning:  when my Dad died, I wanted a few of his things...it's all stuff that would fit in a shoebox...except for one sweater.  He always wore a sweater (Mr. RogersDad).  When he died I kept a sweater and wore it -- wayyyy too big -- around the house for a few months, at first almost every day.  Then I hung it up in my closet, but every day, I'd give it a little pat.  About a year and a half later, that changed...I'd look at it but I was detaching.  Just this morning, I realized that I want to give that away.  It's not keeping anyone warm, hanging in my closet, and my dad really was a "shirt off his back" kind of guy.  So that is going to happen next.  

I still have his college physics book, a few of his drafting tools--I have his, and his dad's T-squares--and his colored pencils.  I've got his bolo tie that made my mom crazy.  I've got a peacock feather he used to wear in his hard hat when he supervised the construction of CU-Boulder buildings.  I've got some cartoons and caricatures he drew.  That's enough.  The sweater will go to someone to help them stay warm.  

But that is after 5.5 years.  

 

Goodness I love the idea of a guy in a hard hat with a peacock feather. Your dad sounds like he was wonderful and an interesting character. 

[fairfarmhand]

32 minutes ago, Patty Joanna said:

:0)

He really was.  Thank you for the comment--it made me smile.  This is his scratchboard self-portrait.

I love your dad! 💕 

[*LC]

10 hours ago, BaseballandHockey said:

I thought about glueing it, but from my point of view, London is DS10's, and whatever he does with it is OK. I love London, and i've love to glue it together and put it up on a shelf.  Some of my happiest memories of my son are of him playing with his brother, and if my youngest decided to take it apart, I'm sure I would be devastated, but I'd allow it. We do have a ton of pictures of it. We photographed each piece before each move, and we also took a lot of pictures and videos of the two boys building together.  

The reality is that we're all grieving really differently, and it's sort of a situation where we're all accidentally causing each other pain all the time, but there's only so much tiptoeing we can do. 

But while I feel that DS10 can do what he likes, I really don't want some other kid randomly playing with it, so a space with a door seems to make sense to me. DS10 can always open the door and invite friends in, and I'd allow that too. 

London is all set up. DS10 and i spent the morning at the house alone together, so he could arrange it just how he wants it.  We are going to start sleeping here on Monday. 

I understand. I almost wrote that what works for one family member will cause another person more grief, but I didn’t want to give you something else to worry about. 

I have a suggestion, but first I want to explain where I am coming from. My husband died when our kids were young. The oldest two were both about the same age as your youngest, who would have been right in the middle of them. So, in our grief journey,  a 10-year-old was a big kid.

So, I could easily see myself asking/telling a 10-year-old that I wanted to preserve “London” or at least my favorite parts of London. It is okay to tell him that the thought of losing London after losing his brother would be very hard for you. 
 

I would offer to replace, any of the London pieces that he wanted to take apart to build agiain. I might even put some of the London lego sets on the 10-year-old’s Christmas list, so he could rebuild some of/all of the glued pieces as often as he wanted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[KungFuPanda]

I’d let the kids use the space. Maybe put a table in there to be a Lego/school/dining/library area and maybe decorate with your DS’s things In a way that doesn’t use floor space. Letting it be a kid zone seems like the least abrupt transition. My son’s accessible bedroom is the dining room. I couldn’t imagine it just looking at it empty. I’d make living in that space a priority. 

[math teacher]

I am so sorry for your loss. 

I lost my sister, and for a few years kept a memory garden. It was just around my birdbath and contained a statuette that reminded me of her. Dh always tried to have purple flowers out there for me because purple is the lupus remembrance color. I need to consider getting another one started since we moved.

[*LC]

I hope the move home went okay today.