Presents for your children's friends for Christmas?

[Janeway]

All year long, I have funded presents for my son's friends. It was an awkward situation where he told me these friends gave him presents on his birthday so he needs to give them presents.  This son is 16 yrs old now. He is now coming up with lists of what he is getting these friends for Christmas. I told him to get a job. My husband and I have been telling him to get a job for a while now. He has several excuses as to why he cannot get a job. And then he says he is willing to work at a coffee house. He applied to Starbucks a few months ago and they never called him so he is going to wait for that. I told him no, you need to get a job, the money train is over. He has been told this before. This is not where he was suddenly told this. He was told this before he turned 16 yrs old a few months ago that he needed to get a job when he turns 16 yrs old. Now he tells me that ALL his friends will be giving him presents and he will have nothing to give them and it will be SOOO humiliating that he won't be able to face them. I told him to get a job, lots of places are hiring holiday help. 

My question is..is this the norm? Do teens usually suck their parents dry buying presents for their friends? The budget for his friends equals what we would spend on one child for Christmas. 

[regentrude]

None of my kids expected me to provide birthday or Christmas gifts for their friends as teens. They saved their allowance or used money they had earned at their job.

[marbel]

I don't know if this is typical or not, but we did not buy individual Christmas gifts for kids' friends. If we gave a gift to friends, it would be a family gift that all could enjoy. I would not expect to pay for gifts for my teen's friends.  If one of my kids wanted to give a gift to a friend, they would buy it.

Edited November 2, 2020 by marbel

[JustEm]

No way am I willing to fund gift giving for my children's friends.  When I was in middle school I'd exchange gifts with a few close friends but I'd fund it with my allowance money. And we would set like a $5 or $10 limit.

I would tell your son that he had plenty of time to consider how he was going to fund a gift exchange with his friends and that he still had time to find a job in order to do so.  If he didn't want to do that then he should let his friends know he wasn't going to participate in any gift exchange.

[Bootsie]

Once our kids were out of the elementary school/birthday party invitation phase, any presents they wanted to given their friends came from their allowance or from money they earned.   He should still have time to earn some money for Christmas gifts if he wants to give some to his friends.

[Momto6inIN]

None of my teens give gifts to their friends. I can maybe, kinda see girls doing it, but guys? That seems so far out of the norm around here that I can't quite picture it.

If they did, it would for sure come out of their own money.

[fairfarmhand]

If my kids want to bless their friends with gifts for Christmas that’s on them. I do have a standard $10 that I give my elementary aged kids for birthdays but by the time middle school comes around they can save the money they earn doing odd jobs around the house. And both adult my kids have had jobs by the time they were 16. My 15 yo is already campaigning for a job but her grades aren’t quite where they Need to be for that kind of a commitment. 
 

if I were feeling generous and your son was mine, I’d make a list of work he can do for $$$ for Christmas. Otherwise he can be embarrassed. He’s had plenty of time to plan.

[fairfarmhand]

I will say that many teens don’t really understand how getting a job works. Talking to the manager, following up, putting in applications at different places, networking wi th friends who already have jobs...all that is how teens get jobs. 

[EKS]

58 minutes ago, Janeway said:

Do teens usually suck their parents dry buying presents for their friends?

Never once did either of my teens ask me for money to buy a friend a present.

[marbel]

21 minutes ago, Momto6inIN said:

None of my teens give gifts to their friends. I can maybe, kinda see girls doing it, but guys? That seems so far out of the norm around here that I can't quite picture it.

If they did, it would for sure come out of their own money.

I was wondering about this. I know my daughter has exchanged gifts with friends since high school; my son has not. I asked my husband if he ever bought gifts for his friends as a teen... he did not. Of course two examples mean nothing, but thinking over my kids' friendships... gifts were just never a thing for the boys, other than for birthday parties (which ended before middle school age).  

[Jean in Newcastle]

Is he the Aspie?  Does he need the process of getting a job broken down into smaller tasks?  

[GoodGrief3]

Unusual for a teen guy, IME. My current 16 year old is a gift giver. Usually with her own money, though I occasionally get involved if it is a friend I have a relationship with too.

It's somewhat difficult for teens to find jobs around here right now. Might be different in your location. My daughter finally got in with Starbucks after a few months of putting in applications. I did/do pay her for doing various things for me. If you have a McDonalds, I'd check there. Good starter job.

[SKL]

Sounds new to me.

My girls do have a few friends who give them small gifts, and I tell them they need to reciprocate.  Last year I gave them a small budget and advised them to buy a few small things and some candy.  Then they assembled cute packages that were mostly candy but looked festive enough.  This was in line with what they received from their friends.  Sometimes they have given/received handmade items like friendship bracelets or a small painting.

[regentrude]

4 hours ago, Momto6inIN said:

None of my teens give gifts to their friends. I can maybe, kinda see girls doing it, but guys? That seems so far out of the norm around here that I can't quite picture it.

My DS and his friends exchanged gifts when they were teens. 

[Beth S]

There are many homemade gift options, esp. food and craft-type things. 
IMO, it's not a gift from him if you are funding it.
Also, you're wanting to Launch him as a young adult, which includes his growing in responsibility for things like this.

Edited November 2, 2020 by Beth S

[athena1277]

13 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

I will say that many teens don’t really understand how getting a job works. Talking to the manager, following up, putting in applications at different places, networking wi th friends who already have jobs...all that is how teens get jobs. 

This.  My dd applied to 3 places.  Two never called back, even after she followed up on the one she really wanted.  The 3rd place did not have an online application, so she went in person, dressed nicely with resume in hand, to apply.  She walked out an hour later with a job.  If she had waited for the first 2, she would never have gotten a job.

[Spryte]

My teen is in theater, and they have a tight group.  Most are girls.  Some give holiday gifts, but they are small, tiny really.  Like cool bracelets, lotion, or candy, or hair ties.  All in the $5 range.  None expect reciprocity.  DS makes gifts for them - small props inspired by shows or games, sculptures, altoid tin scenes, one year it was pillows.  
 

We also have two families with whom we are extremely close, like family.  DH and I buy gifts for them.  That’s 7 extra teens.  But even with us buying gifts, DS makes his own to give them as well, to be from him.  Those teens all do the same.  (And, man, they give each other some cool handmade stuff!  One year there was a working safe made entirely of cardboard, combination lock, too!)
 

 

[mom2scouts]

I funded gifts for friends for birthday parties and holidays when my children were elementary age. After that, if they wanted to give gifts, they were expected to buy it themselves. DD wanted to give a friend something for her 13th birthday, She made a few crafts (bookmark, friendship bracelet, card) and then used her own money to buy a few big candy boxes. She put it all together in a decorative gift bag. A 16 year old who expects his parents to buy all of his friends Christmas presents so he's not humiliated is acting a bit entitled and needs to get working.

[catz]

My kids have occasionally done small gifts.  But like my daughter has made treats, or stress balloons, or ornaments or friendship bracelets, etc.  My kids have a little spending money the might spend on it.  I have bought teen gifts at times but I'd hardly say it is the norm.

In our area, it's kind of a rough season for teens to be trying to find a job.  But I think saying he's on his own with these gifts is fine.   Does he have ways to earn money at home?  That might be a thought too.

Edited November 2, 2020 by FuzzyCatz

[alisoncooks]

12 hours ago, SKL said:

Sounds new to me.

My girls do have a few friends who give them small gifts, and I tell them they need to reciprocate.  Last year I gave them a small budget and advised them to buy a few small things and some candy.  Then they assembled cute packages that were mostly candy but looked festive enough.  This was in line with what they received from their friends.  Sometimes they have given/received handmade items like friendship bracelets or a small painting.

This is how we do it. My DDs have 3 friend-sibling groups that they exchange gifts with. Usually it's something handmade (tiny clay figurines, a sketch, a friendship bracelet) and/or a small purchased thing (character keychain, candy, cute socks). 

I can't imagine being expected to buy big presents for them. 

[stephanier.1765]

My son exchanged gifts with one male friend throughout his teen years. I wouldn't be surprised if they still do because they are close. Brotherly close. They've been friends since they were small boys. DS's friend even drove from Tampa to Jacksonville just to help my son and his GF move into a new home. They are tight. Because I also have fond memories of the friend, I did help my son buy gifts or gift cards for his friend is his young teen years but then he got a job and I was off the hook.

Is your son's friends mostly girls? I could see a group of friends with most of them bring girls exchanging gifts for birthdays and Christmas. But I agree 100% with you. At 16 and knowing he wants to buy gifts, he needs to get a job. Either a job or stop giving gifts would be the only options. 

Good luck guiding him down the road to employment. After 3 boys, I know how obstinate they can be. 

[Carol in Cal.]

Is it really reasonable to expect him to get a job right now in the middle of Covid?

Honestly asking because I know that this varies from place to place.

At that age DD gave her friends handmade gifts and some things that she bought with her own money, but we paid for the more formal occasion kind of stuff like presents for birthday parties and such.  I don't recall Christmas being a big thing in her circle, but we would have paid for those presents too, but up to a specific budgetted amount.  A lot of her friends were into natural, one of a kind found objects, so that was helpful as she could give a deer antler or a few pomegranates from our tree and people would LOVE that.  Plus I love to cook and spare treats were always fair game.  

Most of our Christmas shopping was family to family, and I did all of that.  

We did teach her how to get a job, but not until she came home after her freshman year in college.