When you're always the only one

[regentrude]

to make an effort to connect and to keep social interactions going, it's exhausting and depressing.

I am the one who texts friends to check in on them. I am the one who invites folks for safe distanced outdoor socializing.
Since the beginning of the pandemic, I have been the one who initiated almost all of my social interactions.
It is disheartening to feel like nobody cares.
 

Edited October 20, 2020 by regentrude

[happi duck]

(hugs)

 

[Danae]

I wish we lived in the same town.  I’d invite you over to sit around the fire pit in the backyard drinking mulled cider and chatting.

[mommyoffive]

Sorry you are feeling like that.  I would be so grateful it you were my friend.   What you are doing matters. It is so important in normal times, but it is even more important now.  One day I hope your friends and family say thank you.  

Hugs.

[Liz CA]

I just wanted to say that I do appreciate people like you who reach out. I have a very busy schedule right now and I am exhausted at the end of every work day. My friend who is retired, frequently reaches out first and I am very thankful for this because I have often not enough fuel left or brainspace to even remember.

We have done things as well over the summer and will continue with modified get-togethers and I reciprocate invitations for weekends but during the week / weeks in between seeing each other, I rely on her to text / email me first.

[Garga]

I have two circles of friends.  

In circle one, only one woman reaches out to all of us and coordinates us getting together.  

For circle two, I’m the one who reaches out to each person and coordinates us getting together.

 

So, for half of my life, I’m the one dropping the ball.  But the other half, I’m the one carrying everyone.

I know that for the first group, I care a lot about that group and I enjoy their company just as much as group 2.  

Try not to take it personally.  I don’t know why it shakes out that often it’s just one person doing all the inviting.  But the invitees are usually very grateful that someone is taking the initiative.  

 

[Soror]

I have been in this place quite often. I've realized with too many people if I don't put in the effort they just don't care enough to bother.

[regentrude]

6 minutes ago, Garga said:

 But the invitees are usually very grateful that someone is taking the initiative.  

Sure they are. But not enough to think that maybe I would like to feel like someone ( aside from my family) cares about my existence without needing to be reminded.

[regentrude]

8 minutes ago, Soror said:

 if I don't put in the effort they just don't care enough to bother.

Yep. This sums it up.

The idea of community is a delusion. It's all separateness, and it's only getting worse 

Edited October 20, 2020 by regentrude

[SereneHome]

I stopped doing that. I heard it all - how the other person is busy, but glad when I reach out, how they just "don't call / text" but happy to connect, how blah blah blah blah.

Nope! The older I get, the more I am convinced that my dad is right - when people want to do something, they do it.  If they don't - they don't want to bad enough. It's not a bad thing, but it's a thing. And if reaching out is not a priority for someone, that's OK. But I am too old and tired to reach out to people for whom I am not a priority.

 

[regentrude]

5 minutes ago, SereneHome said:

I stopped doing that. I heard it all - how the other person is busy, but glad when I reach out, how they just "don't call / text" but happy to connect, how blah blah blah blah.

Nope! The older I get, the more I am convinced that my dad is right - when people want to do something, they do it.  If they don't - they don't want to bad enough. It's not a bad thing, but it's a thing. And if reaching out is not a priority for someone, that's OK. But I am too old and tired to reach out to people for whom I am not a priority.

 

I more and more come to feel this way.  But that also means the realization that I don't have any real friends to whom I am important. And that realization seriously sucks.

[G5052]

Just now, SereneHome said:

Nope! The older I get, the more I am convinced that my dad is right - when people want to do something, they do it.  If they don't - they don't want to bad enough. It's not a bad thing, but it's a thing. And if reaching out is not a priority for someone, that's OK. But I am too old and tired to reach out to people for whom I am not a priority.

 

Yes, I've gone through several reworks of my circle of friends in the last few years. Part was COVID, and part was other issues.

I decided to stop making the effort with certain people. Just not worth my efforts if I'm always having to check in and such. Right now one of my good friends has cancer for the third time, and it's weighing on me. At times we've gotten busy, but we always come back. I'm really trying to keep in touch with her right now and another friend who is homeschooling her grandchildren. They both are amazing 24/7 type friends despite the ups-and-downs of life. But there's a balance. Both have sought me out on a consistent basis as much or more than I have.  

[Guest]

I KWYM. And I’m introverted, but I do care about seeing people and I do start to doubt myself (quite a lot) if it always has to be me to initiate. I start to definitely wonder if the other person is brushing me off, or, as it is right now with the election approaching, they are just too worried? Maybe? That the election will be a topic of discussion. 

There are also people I specifically had food-related get-togethers with and now it just feels like, well, we can’t share food so it’s weird. I feel on alert that we are rapidly losing weather good enough to expect friends to sit outside. By Jan/Feb, in *ordinary* times, I am depressed, sick of the dark and cold, and feel disconnected from people I haven’t been seeing. 

[G5052]

Just now, regentrude said:

I more and more come to feel this way.  But that also means the realization that I don't have any real friends to whom I am important. And that realization seriously sucks.

Yes, it does. I'm sorry that you're going through that.

[EmilyGF]

My mom, one of the friendliest people I know, experiences this, too. 

One time she had a very wealthy couple over. The man had been in the Superbowl multiple times and was a successful real estate agent. They had a large, custom-built home with inground pool, professionally landscaped, etc. My parents lived in a small, ex-workers' cottage with a barely-living lawn.

The wife said, "Thanks so much for having us. I wish we had a nice enough house to have people over to."

What I'm trying to say is that there are a lot of issues with insecurity and expectations that I think drive people to not initiate socialization. Often their problem is with them and not with you.

[stephanier.1765]

My thought process on who reaches out has always been the one who is busiest is the one who lets others know when they are free. I hate feeling like I'm intruding on what little free time they might want to spend with their family or even just on their own. So I've always let them decide when a good time to hang out is. But now that I've read this thread, I'll have to rethink how to handle this going forward.

[itsheresomewhere]

I have been feeling the exact same way. I am always the one to check in, see how they are doing and stuff.  

Edited October 20, 2020 by itsheresomewhere

[stephanier.1765]

2 minutes ago, EmilyGF said:

My mom, one of the friendliest people I know, experiences this, too. 

One time she had a very wealthy couple over. The man had been in the Superbowl multiple times and was a successful real estate agent. They had a large, custom-built home with inground pool, professionally landscaped, etc. My parents lived in a small, ex-workers' cottage with a barely-living lawn.

The wife said, "Thanks so much for having us. I wish we had a nice enough house to have people over to."

What I'm trying to say is that there are a lot of issues with insecurity and expectations that I think drive people to not initiate socialization. Often their problem is with them and not with you.

That's me! I've never felt like I had a nice enough home to have people over so I always choose to go out somewhere as a way to spend time with friends. 

[Not_a_Number]

I've felt that way about DD8's friendships. I wound up having to run a class to make sure we stay in touch, because no one else bothers. 

Right now, I'm not doing a great job maintaining my friendships, though. But the only time people WERE maintaining them, it was me. And it'll have to be me again when I have the energy. I tend to resent it, too. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I culled my friendship list a number of years ago. (Ten years maybe?). I want reciprocal friendships. No one is keeping score but if one person is always reaching out (and that someone was me) then to me, it isn’t a close friendship. I am still really sad about a couple of people who never ever reached out to me after I stopped reaching out ten years ago. 
 

My circle of friends doesn’t always socialize though in person though. The interaction can be texts, phone calls, letters (I just got one yesterday and it made me so happy), as well as actual invitations to get together. 

[SereneHome]

1 hour ago, regentrude said:

I more and more come to feel this way.  But that also means the realization that I don't have any real friends to whom I am important. And that realization seriously sucks.

I am sorry, I so so am. Unfortunately, I know how you feel.

Interestingly enough, I feel like I have more friends now bc of the pandemic and people being less busy. But I am not getting too attached bc I want to see what happens "after".

[kbutton]

2 hours ago, regentrude said:

Sure they are. But not enough to think that maybe I would like to feel like someone ( aside from my family) cares about my existence without needing to be reminded.

I am sorry. Is there any friend you can voice this too? 

I am not usually the first to reach out, but with friends who are very intentional, there is often not a "chance" to reach out because about the time I think, "I haven't talked to so and so in a while," they text or call. I would have to put it on the calendar and then stick with it to be "first." If I have news, I try to text though--I want them to feel like they are someone I want to share important things with. If I have nothing to say, it definitely takes longer for me to check in. 

1 hour ago, stephanier.1765 said:

My thought process on who reaches out has always been the one who is busiest is the one who lets others know when they are free. I hate feeling like I'm intruding on what little free time they might want to spend with their family or even just on their own. So I've always let them decide when a good time to hang out is. But now that I've read this thread, I'll have to rethink how to handle this going forward.

This. Especially when those kinds of friends are calling me while driving or fitting me in between taking kids to events...I just feel like a disruption. 

Part of my problem is that I am not in the same rhythm or groove of life that the vast majority of my friends are in. I don't "get" when a good time to call is. I grew up in a small town with sidewalks everywhere and a very casual way of doing life. People bumped into each other a lot, and if they didn't, they dropped in. It was normal. Calling was something teenagers did, or something you did if you needed to verify information or set up something special. You didn't call just to talk--you called for utilitarian reasons. You talked when you dropped by or they dropped by or when you intentionally did something fun together.

I honestly have never gotten a feel for how socializing happens in other settings. 

Also, to be honest, I have very friends that I am their "point person." I am usually the incidental friend--the one that they are friends with only because we are both volunteering at x or y. We don't see each other outside of that even if we've known each other for years. I am well aware that they have their group, and I'm not it.

But anyway, it sounds like you have a more intentional group of friends, and I am getting off topic.

I think you should tell one of your group friends that you feel a little taken advantage of. If one of my friends said such a thing to me, I would probably do my best to say to the others, "Okay, let's all take a week (or month or whatever) to be the person that initiates events and check-ins." I wouldn't get into why other than to say, "Let's show regentrude that we value her friendship and her gift of reaching out by each taking a turn."

[regentrude]

1 hour ago, EmilyGF said:

My mom, one of the friendliest people I know, experiences this, too. 

One time she had a very wealthy couple over. The man had been in the Superbowl multiple times and was a successful real estate agent. They had a large, custom-built home with inground pool, professionally landscaped, etc. My parents lived in a small, ex-workers' cottage with a barely-living lawn.

The wife said, "Thanks so much for having us. I wish we had a nice enough house to have people over to."

What I'm trying to say is that there are a lot of issues with insecurity and expectations that I think drive people to not initiate socialization. Often their problem is with them and not with you.

But that doesn't explain why nobody calls, texts, or asks to go for a walk.

I am used to being the one who hosts almost everything. But even if you think you have a crummy house, that's no reason not to text, is it?

[teachermom2834]

1 hour ago, EmilyGF said:

 

What I'm trying to say is that there are a lot of issues with insecurity and expectations that I think drive people to not initiate socialization. Often their problem is with them and not with you.

I have this issue. I have rejection issues steming back to childhood and family issues. I have had some absolutely wonderful friends in my life but for some reason I have serious insecurity in friendship. I have friends that I love so dearly and miss and think about everyday. Yet, I don't reach out because there is a nagging part of me that feels like they don't really want to hear from me, I am just bothering them, etc. 

I have a friend who has loved me really well. She sat with me while my mother died and got me through the funeral, etc. She LOVES me and I know it. It still takes some serious positive self talk before I call or text or initiate a get together. I know it isn't rational but I really struggle.

Some of my best friends have been people that basically forced me into friendship. Like they called me and invited me to do things ten times before I initiated once. 

I know I need therapy. I'm not just a jerk even though I act like one. 

[regentrude]

2 hours ago, Heigh Ho said:

If you use the three circles of friendship concept..( inner being the handful you would share your innermost thoughts with, middle the ones you hang out with/share interests, outer the acquaintances you see often but don't have deep connections with), it sounds like your middle aren't appreciating your hosting? Is that correct?  Or are you wanting more in the inner circle?

All. It's not about hosting or reciprocating hosting. It's about feeling invisible to both close and middle friends.

[regentrude]

29 minutes ago, kbutton said:

This. Especially when those kinds of friends are calling me while driving or fitting me in between taking kids to events...I just feel like a disruption. 

Part of my problem is that I am not in the same rhythm or groove of life that the vast majority of my friends are in. I don't "get" when a good time to call is.

But that is the beauty of modern ways of communicating: the email or fb message can sit and won't disturb the recipient until they have time and are ready to read.
Calling is difficult, with everybody's schedules, but there are plenty of other ways one can connect. Just a message "hey, been thinking of you, how are you doing?" would make a difference.

[kbutton]

3 minutes ago, regentrude said:

But that is the beauty of modern ways of communicating: the email or fb message can sit and won't disturb the recipient until they have time and are ready to read.
Calling is difficult, with everybody's schedules, but there are plenty of other ways one can connect. Just a message "hey, been thinking of you, how are you doing?" would make a difference.

I was picturing more text or calls. That is different. My friends are text people, and they generally want to text back and forth when they text. Sometimes it's one or two, but many times, it's a LOT. 

I don't have many friends that e-mail unless it's "official communication" from a group. Some do FB message once in a while. The ones that do usually use FM messenger like the texting--the want to interact while typing. 

I miss when people used e-mail instead of text! 

[regentrude]

1 minute ago, kbutton said:

I was picturing more text or calls. That is different. My friends are text people, and they generally want to text back and forth when they text. Sometimes it's one or two, but many times, it's a LOT. 

I don't have many friends that e-mail unless it's "official communication" from a group. Some do FB message once in a while. The ones that do usually use FM messenger like the texting--the want to interact while typing.

My friends all work, and it is understood that messages and texts may sit unread for extended periods of time. Can't text when I'm teaching.
Messaging back and forth is nice, but not the only way. I also have some friends with whom I only email - a 7 hour time difference makes messaging impractical, and one doesn't have a phone. One of my dearest friends is completely off grid and only on a  computer every few weeks for a short time; I miss interacting with them very much.

[kbutton]

2 minutes ago, regentrude said:

My friends all work, and it is understood that messages and texts may sit unread for extended periods of time. Can't text when I'm teaching.
Messaging back and forth is nice, but not the only way. I also have some friends with whom I only email - a 7 hour time difference makes messaging impractical, and one doesn't have a phone. One of my dearest friends is completely off grid and only on a  computer every few weeks for a short time; I miss interacting with them very much.

I think I would still mention how you feel--it could be a lack of news.

I think one friendship of mine might deepen due to e-mail. We would send messages now and then, and see each other when we were in town, but they have always been out-of-town family friends that we'd get together with when we were around. We're e-mailing a bit more now that those events aren't happening; however, it kind of takes a little bit to get into the groove of, "I'd normally see them by now--maybe I should write." 

You deserve to be thought of, but I think it's okay to say so too. 

[Pam in CT]

(( regentrude ))  That sucks.

This is such a hard time. So many people feel both overwhelmed and simultaneously isolated.

And as hard trials go, it's sort of unusual in that this one is harder for extroverted / always-in-motion types to hold up; relatively more bearable for introverted / hunker down and endure types.

I wish I were close enough to meet up for a walk. I don't think I'm up for your level of endurance hiking, but a distanced stroll clutching a travel mug of mint tea would be just the ticket.

[cjzimmer1]

38 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

I have this issue. I have rejection issues steming back to childhood and family issues. I have had some absolutely wonderful friends in my life but for some reason I have serious insecurity in friendship. I have friends that I love so dearly and miss and think about everyday. Yet, I don't reach out because there is a nagging part of me that feels like they don't really want to hear from me, I am just bothering them, etc. 

I have a friend who has loved me really well. She sat with me while my mother died and got me through the funeral, etc. She LOVES me and I know it. It still takes some serious positive self talk before I call or text or initiate a get together. I know it isn't rational but I really struggle.

Some of my best friends have been people that basically forced me into friendship. Like they called me and invited me to do things ten times before I initiated once. 

I know I need therapy. I'm not just a jerk even though I act like one. 

I have different issues but I too find reaching out to be one of the most taxing things I do.  I mean it takes me days to work up the nerve to call the doctor/dentist/eye etc just to schedule an appointment.  There is no rational reason for this to be difficult but it is.  And when it comes to friends, for some reason it's even worse.  I mean I want to talk to them, I like spending time with them but initiating is just so mentally taxing that sometimes it takes week or months to make the attempt.  So yeah, I'm not intentially a jerk but I'm sure it doesn't feel that way to those who are always reaching out. I am very grateful for those in my life who don't give up even when they have to do all the work to get us together.

[Forget-Me-Not]

15 minutes ago, regentrude said:

All. It's not about hosting or reciprocating hosting. It's about feeling invisible to both close and middle friends.

(((Hugs))). I feel this down to my soul right now. 
 

My closest friend has stopped reaching out. We both have several kids in the same age ranges, so I still occasionally see her in person, and she’ll apologize for not contacting me and recount all the heavy stuff she has going on. But the thing is that I’ve had heavy stuff too that she doesn’t know about because it’s always me caring for her and offering to serve her—that sounds terrible, like I’m only caring/serving from a place of expecting reciprocation, but it’s not that. Just a phone call or a text saying she was thinking about me or wanted to genuinely know how I’m doing would be a game changer.
 

[caedmyn]

This is something I really struggle with too.  I started a thread on a similar topic not too long ago.  I have low self-esteem issues anyway and rarely having anyone contact me first doesn’t help. All my life I’ve been the initiator.  I’ve had one friend, ever, who initiated.  Actually two but one actually badgered me to the point where I had to ask her to back off, and the friendship didn’t last too long after that.  When my state shut down due to COVID, it was almost a month before anyone at my (small, fairly close-knit) church messaged me (about the time I thought, well nobody’s going to contact me so I guess I’ll start contacting people and asking how they’re doing).  People tend to be happy when I contact them and happy to get together if I ask, but I don’t always want to be the asker.  I’ve stopped putting as much effort into several friendships because of this.  We’re still friends though.  I do have one friend who always makes it clear that she’s really glad I asked her to get together, and though we rarely talk in between, I’m ok with it for this particular friendship.   

[Moonhawk]

{{{regentrude}}}

So, I'm an introvert. I hate reaching out to people. Truly. It's not that I don't like people, I just don't... feel the compulsion I guess.

But: in any relationship that has lasted, I am either the instigator or we are equal partners in reaching out. I'm sad that I've lost my best friend from high school, and my best friend from college, because I stopped reaching out to both of them after I realized that I had been the only one instigating for at least 5 years if not longer. I text on birthdays now but that's it (and they don't text on mine, as petty as it is to notice).

So, someone saying they are introverts and that's why they didn't reach out, it's half true.  I have no personal need to reach out. But I reach out anyway because I know it matters to the other person and I want them to know I care, so that's why I do it. 

 

3 hours ago, stephanier.1765 said:

My thought process on who reaches out has always been the one who is busiest is the one who lets others know when they are free. I hate feeling like I'm intruding on what little free time they might want to spend with their family or even just on their own. So I've always let them decide when a good time to hang out is. But now that I've read this thread, I'll have to rethink how to handle this going forward.

On this part: I have a good friendship with someone who is intensely busy. I've found sharing the load has worked well, where I figured out their rhythm for being available (once a week) and waited for them to contact me since they have more time constraints. If they didn't contact me by the end of the week, I'd reach out to them basically saying "hi, know it's probably a busy week, just wanted to check in and hope you're doing well! hope we talk soon, perhaps next week will be better for you 🙂" or something like that, I end with an out for them. Sometimes they didn't reply until the next week, but a lot of times it gives them an excuse just to take a break for a few minutes. It doesn't need to be me trying to initiate a full hang-out session, just a note to let them know they are a part of my life, I guess.

[regentrude]

5 minutes ago, Moonhawk said:

I'd reach out to them basically saying "hi, know it's probably a busy week, just wanted to check in and hope you're doing well! hope we talk soon, perhaps next week will be better for you 🙂" or something like that, I end with an out for them. ... It doesn't need to be me trying to initiate a full hang-out session, just a note to let them know they are a part of my life, I guess.

This. So much this.

[Bambam]

This is me. It is hard. 

Wait, I do have a couple of friends who do initiate contact with me. When they need something. 

[HS Mom in NC]

I sympathize.  It's like that even with my extended family members.  My parents and step-parent very rarely initiate contact and would never even consider coming to visit me (even with the time, money, and physical ability) because I chose to move across the country. My mother would go months without contacting me and my dad would never call me. My brother and I used to do things together a couple times a month at minimum when we lived 20 minutes away from each other.  He hasn't initiated contacting me either.  They all sound and say they're thrilled when I call and they happily chat for more than an hour, but I'm clearly the only one taking responsibility for maintaining contact.  

The "I don't initiate because I they might be busy" is a lame excuse. My dad uses it all the time.  We all have text messaging, voicemail, and email where people can respond at their convenience and they're all adults capable of saying they're not at a stage of life when they can engage in a relationship, which is of course, the rare exception, not the rule. You know that do unto others principle? Well, if recipients of contact like initiators of contact reaching out to them them in spite of the fact that recipients might be busy, then it's pretty obvious the vast majority of initiators would like to be reached out to.

Most Americans (I don't comment on cultures I'm not part of) don't think through and articulate to themselves what their responsibilities are in maintaining a relationship, they aren't proactive in general in their lives, and most have consumer rather than producer mindsets.  It's the perfect storm. 

[regentrude]

5 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

If you are close with immediate family, hold onto that. 

I am .I am very grateful that I have a good relationship with my DH and my adult kids. I talk to DD most days.
I also have a good relationship with my parents overseas. Right now, I talk to my mom daily, because we are going through a very difficult situation with my father. He had a stroke in May, was in rehab for two months, came home, had seizures and ended back in hospital, is now again in rehab... it's very difficult, there are many uncertainties, Covid makes it impossible for me to travel home.

My friends know about that, and it would be nice if somebody asked how he is and how I am doing with that. Alas, nobody does.

[lewelma]

3 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I culled my friendship list a number of years ago. (Ten years maybe?). I want reciprocal friendships. No one is keeping score but if one person is always reaching out (and that someone was me) then to me, it isn’t a close friendship.

This is me.  I've got 2 close friends. And yes, they do call.  The rest are now more like acquaintances.  However, one of these friends is a teacher, and each of us is just too busy during term time, so we talk and hang out during our school holidays 4 times a year.  We don't feel guilty when we don't chat for 10 weeks at a time.  This has been the case for 15 years now. 

I wish you lived close to me, Regentrude, because we have so much in common and could have some wonderful chats.  I'm so sorry your friends have failed you.

Edited October 20, 2020 by lewelma

[ScoutTN]

((Regentrude))

[wintermom]

Sorry you are feeling that way. It pretty much sucks. It's one thing if the other people pick up the ball occasionally when you are in an extra busy period, but if they never initiate the communication I'd simply stop unless you don't wish to. Just lower your expectations for these lucky individuals whom you decide to 'carry' through the relationship. 

 

Edited October 20, 2020 by wintermom

[regentrude]

10 minutes ago, wintermom said:

 but if they never initiate the communication I'd simply stop unless you don't wish to. Just lower your expectations for these lucky individuals whom you decide to 'carry' through the relationship. 

But I  can't just stop because I need people interaction. It was the thing in my life that gave me the greatest joy

[wintermom]

Just now, regentrude said:

But I  can't just stop because I need people interaction. It was the thing in my life that gave me the greatest joy

You can stop with those people. Or not, and just know that you'll be doing all the initiating. There are also other people in the world, and some of them may be better equipped to offer more time and energy in developing a relationship. 

[regentrude]

18 minutes ago, wintermom said:

You can stop with those people. Or not, and just know that you'll be doing all the initiating. There are also other people in the world, and some of them may be better equipped to offer more time and energy in developing a relationship. 

"Those" people are my colleagues and local friends. I am so hungry for meeting new people. Alas, there's only the internet for that... I yearn for in person connections, and they are impossible for the forseeable future 

[Kassia]

3 hours ago, regentrude said:

 

My friends know about that, and it would be nice if somebody asked how he is and how I am doing with that. Alas, nobody does.

I am sorry about the whole situation, but especially this.  I care very much how your dad is doing and how you are handling it.  I feel like real friends would care enough to ask and give you support and feel terrible that isn't happening.  As a PP said, please feel free to update or vent here.  ❤️

 

[TravelingChris]

8 hours ago, regentrude said:

Sure they are. But not enough to think that maybe I would like to feel like someone ( aside from my family) cares about my existence without needing to be reminded.

I totally agree. I have called a number of people during this Pandemic to see how they are doing.  No one has called me.

[TravelingChris]

8 hours ago, regentrude said:

I more and more come to feel this way.  But that also means the realization that I don't have any real friends to whom I am important. And that realization seriously sucks.

It sure does.  And I am coming to that realization too.  

[wintermom]

1 hour ago, regentrude said:

"Those" people are my colleagues and local friends. I am so hungry for meeting new people. Alas, there's only the internet for that... I yearn for in person connections, and they are impossible for the forseeable future 

Maybe a "friend-ing" website, kind of like a dating website, if they exist? You don't have to drop your colleagues and local friends, just tone down your expectations or your method of communication. My fil printed up hundreds of really fun postcards and sent them out to family, friends, new acquaintances, business associates. He wrote letters that were so heartwarming. He visited people all around the world at any and all opportunities he had. He was incredible. I have no idea whether he got back as much as he gave, but I don't think that was his goal. It was just his way. 

[regentrude]

48 minutes ago, Patty Joanna said:

Yes, it is.  But the feeling of it doesn't make it true.  So many people I know are afraid or depressed, both of which emotions have them curling into fetal position.  

Ironically it's my friends who struggle with mental illness who are the supportive ones to one another. Because they have been there with crippling depression and know what a difference it makes if someone reaches out.

I don't believe that my friends are all more depressed than I am and can't muster the energy to message or text.

What good is "caring" if the other person never notices?

[regentrude]

21 minutes ago, wintermom said:

Maybe a "friend-ing" website, kind of like a dating website, if they exist? You don't have to drop your colleagues and local friends, just tone down your expectations or your method of communication. My fil printed up hundreds of really fun postcards and sent them out to family, friends, new acquaintances, business associates. He wrote letters that were so heartwarming. He visited people all around the world at any and all opportunities he had. He was incredible. I have no idea whether he got back as much as he gave, but I don't think that was his goal. It was just his way. 

For years, I sent 40 handwritten letters at Christmas. Got maybe 2 cards back. I stopped,  because obviously nobody thought me worth it to take the time to respond. I tried keeping the connection to my friends back home, but only two people remain. I used to have a wide correspondence; as a teen, I sent  350+ pieces of mail each year. But it really gets old.